-
Welcome to Smogon! Take a moment to read the Introduction to Smogon for a run-down on everything Smogon, and make sure you take some time to read the global rules.
-
Congrats to the winners of the 2023 Smog Awards!
BF/GF--->friend status
- Thread starter Mike B
- Start date
Doesn't actually ever work right off the bat unless it's a mutual breakup. Being friends ins't a consolation prize, simple as that, and the "hooked" party just ends up still attached. It can work really well if the person with lingering feelings is given a few months in isolation from their ex.
I have had it work out exactly once. We got together in a kind of "wild romance" type way (or as much as you can when you are both still little kids about relationships), had a really fun month (courtship + three weeks of being on a sexual/"official" level), and then both realized it could not work. We both had other people interested in us that we liked, broke up, even almost got back together, and then decided mutually again to move on with our original plans. Still been casual friends ever since, probably helped that we were one grade part and did not have to commonly see each other right away.
Shroomisaur
Smogon's fantastical fun-guy.
I can state from personal experience that this is extremely true and well said
I once went through a breakup where I had lingering feelings for the girl who had decided to end our relationship. I was obviously hurt by it, but respected her decision. We went months with no contact between us, which allowed my feelings time to cool down and gave me time to get a level head. Then we slowly began talking again, and gradually, we became good friends again.
So in response to the OP, yes I've been through this. In my experience it takes a long time to "recover" from something like this, but it's definately worth it and I'm perfectly happy with how things turned out.
^ agreed, this always happens at my school :l
Yeah, I'm okay friends with one of my exes, the other ones I never talk to though. The only reason I still talk to the one ex is because I work with her, so to make it not completely awkward I tried to be buds with her. It worked cause now I have no romantic feelings for her anymore and it is not awkward at all when we talk so yeah it can happen people! Of course it did take a good while (6 months or so) but its all good.
gorgie
formerly Floppy, now Rock hard
I'm going through that as we speak actually. i'll report back on how it plays out this time around if the thread is still active then.
However, my "ex ex" (we'll call her "Jane") and I are still friends. She did the breaking up, and down to this day im not exactly sure WHY she had done it or WHAT i may have done/didnt do. She came on the phone one night and randomly proposed that we needed a break because "she's unsure/confused about some things" and "i shouldnt worry about it because i did nothing wrong." I was the type of guy who didnt ask questions no matter how dismal the situation may be, so i just sucked it up and was like "ok, alright then, bye." I was hurt, perplexed, and confused as fuck. We had a class together but never talked after that night for around 4 months. One day, however, a friend of both of us got us to sit at the same desk in class in hopes of getting us to discuss what happened that night. And well, she did succeed. The minute Jane was passed the mic she went on in this dreary, somber tone about how much of a fucked up decision she made, how sorry she was/is, how it was all too much to handle at the time yadi-yadi-yah. I just sat there and listened, because i had no intention of showing signs of sympathy. I was still severely hurting and upset. Minutes passed, and i realized i was starting to warm up to her as a friend again. I realized that as she talked, that's all i wanted from her all this time. A fucking explanation! I realized i actually wasnt as "in love" as i was led to believe as a matter of fact also. It seemed as if i was just love-happy and searching for someone to be there for me and my ronery self at the time.
By the end of the day, we were on cool terms, laughing with each other and whatnot, talking comfortably. It was obvious as hell though that she wanted me back veeeeerrry baaaaadly. I was well over her emotionally since that talk and most definitely did not see a round 2 between us in the near future. At one point i was thinking of abusing it as a means of "payback" but decided against it because i still had not gotten sexual with her over the 8 months we had been courting and i was still optimistic!
with all that said though, we still talk up to this day. 99% of the time its her who calls though and id call the remaining 1% on birthdays or w/e. We're cool and everything's alright. No hard feelings of any sort - maybe except on her part with her corny supposedly-flirtatious remarks pertaining to "what was" and "what she wishes could be" blah blah blah. The life of a G aint easy man......
However, my "ex ex" (we'll call her "Jane") and I are still friends. She did the breaking up, and down to this day im not exactly sure WHY she had done it or WHAT i may have done/didnt do. She came on the phone one night and randomly proposed that we needed a break because "she's unsure/confused about some things" and "i shouldnt worry about it because i did nothing wrong." I was the type of guy who didnt ask questions no matter how dismal the situation may be, so i just sucked it up and was like "ok, alright then, bye." I was hurt, perplexed, and confused as fuck. We had a class together but never talked after that night for around 4 months. One day, however, a friend of both of us got us to sit at the same desk in class in hopes of getting us to discuss what happened that night. And well, she did succeed. The minute Jane was passed the mic she went on in this dreary, somber tone about how much of a fucked up decision she made, how sorry she was/is, how it was all too much to handle at the time yadi-yadi-yah. I just sat there and listened, because i had no intention of showing signs of sympathy. I was still severely hurting and upset. Minutes passed, and i realized i was starting to warm up to her as a friend again. I realized that as she talked, that's all i wanted from her all this time. A fucking explanation! I realized i actually wasnt as "in love" as i was led to believe as a matter of fact also. It seemed as if i was just love-happy and searching for someone to be there for me and my ronery self at the time.
By the end of the day, we were on cool terms, laughing with each other and whatnot, talking comfortably. It was obvious as hell though that she wanted me back veeeeerrry baaaaadly. I was well over her emotionally since that talk and most definitely did not see a round 2 between us in the near future. At one point i was thinking of abusing it as a means of "payback" but decided against it because i still had not gotten sexual with her over the 8 months we had been courting and i was still optimistic!
with all that said though, we still talk up to this day. 99% of the time its her who calls though and id call the remaining 1% on birthdays or w/e. We're cool and everything's alright. No hard feelings of any sort - maybe except on her part with her corny supposedly-flirtatious remarks pertaining to "what was" and "what she wishes could be" blah blah blah. The life of a G aint easy man......
AJers
Your typical e-wench
I haven't really had any success with trying to be friends after a break-up; although, for this purpose I'm definitely making an assumption that we're talking about serious relationships. Don't get me wrong, I've really tried... but it usually ends up burning in flames.
At the end of the day, I think it's hard to be friends with someone who you were in a serious relationship. For me, there's a reason why I was attracted to that person, and there was a reason why I dated them. There's also a reason (or reasons) why we're no longer a couple. Once certain boundaries in a relationship are crossed, it's hard to re-establish them, whether you read that as "sex" or "arguments" or merely "passion", it doesn't really matter.
And, when the other party starts dating again... there's always the "what if's..." that come along with watching him/her find a life without you playing a major part in it.
Yes, I'm totally friendly with a number of my exes... but we're not friends, we're in some weird other-world category of "people I care about but don't really know if I want to know about it... but I hope they're doing well!" I am in the circle of friends with a number of exes, and we live in the same town. Yes, we run into each other, yes, we're okay with that. We even smile and introduce each others parties and might sit down for a drink before parting ways. It's rarely awkward; however, it's definitely not a "wow, I'm going to call him and tell him all about that <insert funny story here>." relationship.
I don't know if that makes any sense, and yes, I know people who have managed to do it (although I know for a fact that the two people who I am speaking of have some relationship holdups and have yet to settle back into ANY normal relationship because a lot of their needs are being filled by their 'ex'; so the only thing they look for elsewhere is whatever is missing in their current weird-friendship-ex-relationship); however, I don't think I'm either at the maturity or at the point in my life where being friends with an ex is a good idea. And yes, I'm a slow learner. I still crash and burn with one of my exes on a regular basis.
At the end of the day, I think it's hard to be friends with someone who you were in a serious relationship. For me, there's a reason why I was attracted to that person, and there was a reason why I dated them. There's also a reason (or reasons) why we're no longer a couple. Once certain boundaries in a relationship are crossed, it's hard to re-establish them, whether you read that as "sex" or "arguments" or merely "passion", it doesn't really matter.
And, when the other party starts dating again... there's always the "what if's..." that come along with watching him/her find a life without you playing a major part in it.
Yes, I'm totally friendly with a number of my exes... but we're not friends, we're in some weird other-world category of "people I care about but don't really know if I want to know about it... but I hope they're doing well!" I am in the circle of friends with a number of exes, and we live in the same town. Yes, we run into each other, yes, we're okay with that. We even smile and introduce each others parties and might sit down for a drink before parting ways. It's rarely awkward; however, it's definitely not a "wow, I'm going to call him and tell him all about that <insert funny story here>." relationship.
I don't know if that makes any sense, and yes, I know people who have managed to do it (although I know for a fact that the two people who I am speaking of have some relationship holdups and have yet to settle back into ANY normal relationship because a lot of their needs are being filled by their 'ex'; so the only thing they look for elsewhere is whatever is missing in their current weird-friendship-ex-relationship); however, I don't think I'm either at the maturity or at the point in my life where being friends with an ex is a good idea. And yes, I'm a slow learner. I still crash and burn with one of my exes on a regular basis.
Once my gf broke up with me, she felt bad, because we haven't talked since we were bf and gf, so like a month ago she said lets promise to hang out again as just friends and she broke it and kept saying next day, next day. Now she just gets me pissed by giving a hug to my best friend and that I still like her and shit.
Yeah thats happened to me. We still see each other though and we are good friends. There was also a kinda pressure to get more intimate with each other when we were in that deeper relationship. We both decided (which imo I think that was the reason we can still be good friends) that it just would not work out. So like I said we are both friends and are happy that things are that way.
Chris hit it on the head a few posts back. Reminds me of when my present gf randomly wanted to break up with me and yet still be good friends. I flat out said no. She chewed on it a bit and decided to keep dating me.... Go figure.
I HOPE that's not the reason she's still dating me. I wrote that night off as hormones gone out of whack...
I HOPE that's not the reason she's still dating me. I wrote that night off as hormones gone out of whack...
You shouldn't hang out with her until you're over her, then. You will pretty much stay that jealous until you do.
...Why don't you just ask her? I never got why people with insecurities about their relationships don't just ask their partners about it. If their relationship isnt secure enough for that... they've got bigger problems.
Fishy
tits McGee (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)
My second ex boyfriend and I are friends, mostly because we didn't see each other at all for months after we broke up, nor did we really speak, but we met again when I started going to the same university as him, and it wasn't that awkward. I just know that he's a horrible boyfriend and so only being friends with him is all right. ^_^
Ah, that's not exactly the issue. I've asked her, we've discussed it, everything's cool. And then her hormones flare up again, like clockwork, every 4 weeks or so. She gets bitchy and it all gets taken out on me.
This is exactly what happened to me. She broke up with me, (first) girlfriend, and she said we should be friends, then a couple months later we started talking again, then she said that she "thought" she liked me. After that I invited over my house a couple of times, then foolishly kissed her, and that wreaked the friendship, and possibly the eventual re-relationship. Now I try to talk to her, but since she doesn't care to try to start conversations with me, I'v given up on her.
When I was in high school I dated a girl from my inner circle of friends. When we eventually broke up (read: she dumped me) things were really tense and we had a period of fighting and hostility that lasted nearly as long as our relationship. Thankfully, our friends gave us enough grief that we were civil to each other and eventually we did become friends again.
I believe that the only reason we were able to rekindle our friendship was our, essentially, forced time together because of our many mutual friends. The girls I have dated since then, no matter who ended the relationship, were not around anymore (even if they were, I might have driven them away) and the opportunity to be friends again never arose with any of them.
When you break up, not matter how mutual it feels or seems one of you will have lingering feelings. Those feelings will keep you from being friends. The best you can usually hope for is behaving civilly until those feelings disappear forever.
I believe that the only reason we were able to rekindle our friendship was our, essentially, forced time together because of our many mutual friends. The girls I have dated since then, no matter who ended the relationship, were not around anymore (even if they were, I might have driven them away) and the opportunity to be friends again never arose with any of them.
When you break up, not matter how mutual it feels or seems one of you will have lingering feelings. Those feelings will keep you from being friends. The best you can usually hope for is behaving civilly until those feelings disappear forever.
