Jokes

[Samwise]

Not too sure if this is in the correct forum but it is classified as entertainment. I haven't seen one of these before and considering I have only recently started posting in Smogon, there may already be one. If there is I'm sorry. Anyway this is a joke thread and it's kind of self explanatory; you write jokes. I think if you submit you should keep the "haha that's a good one posts" to a minimum and rather just post a joke that you know. Here's mine.

How do you spot a blind person in a nude perade?
It's not hard!

 

[Glen]

on his way home from school, a little boy would always buy three candy bars and sit down on a bench to eat them. oftentimes a businessman would walk by him on his way home from work. eventually, the man felt it was his duty to help the little boy.
"you shouldn't eat so much candy, young man. it's really bad for you,' he said.
"my grandfather lived to be a hundred and three years old," the boy replied, munching a candy bar.
"well, did your grandfather eat three candy bars a day?" asked the man.
"no, he minded his own fucking business."

 

[Jackal]

can we do racist jokes pleaseeeee

What is the difference between a black man and a bench?


A bench can support a family

 

[Basics]

I tell it like
"What's the difference between a black man and a medium pizza?"
"One can feed a family of four."
"What's the difference between a jew and a medium pizza?"
"A medium pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven."
(Please don't warn me, I just got rid of my "I could be banned!" title. =/

I posted a good joke here a while ago; look for it.

Pourquoi un carré est-il comme un canard ? « Coin ! Coin ! Coin ! Coin » !

 

[Lawman]

on his way home from school, a little boy would always buy three candy bars and sit down on a bench to eat them. oftentimes a businessman would walk by him on his way home from work. eventually, the man felt it was his duty to help the little boy.
"you shouldn't eat so much candy, young man. it's really bad for you,' he said.
"my grandfather lived to be a hundred and three years old," the boy replied, munching a candy bar.
"well, did your grandfather eat three candy bars a day?" asked the man.
"no, he minded his own fucking business."

Win. I laughed so effing hard XD

 

[Doomsday]

This is probably one of the worst jokes i have ever heard, but it is so damn dumb it made me chuckle.

So, there's an English, a Portuguese and a French man by the pool, and they all decide to have a contest: the objective is to dive from the pool's springboard, but if you get your hair wet, you lose.
The first one is the French; he jumps, he dives, he gets his hair wet.
Next comes the English guy: he jumps, he dives, he gets his hair wet as well.
Finally it is the Portuguese's turn: he jumps, he dives, and he wins the contest. Why?????? Because he was bald.

ps. hey the___mantyke nice joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[GonE]

An English, a Canadian and an Australian are on a deserted island. One day, the English guy found a bottle in it. This was not a normal bottle, it had a genie in it who could fulfill 1 wish for each person.

The English guy found the bottle, so he could wish first. He wished he was home with his wife and children. And so he disappeared..

It then was the Canadian's turn and he wished he was in Las Vegas with 100 hot chicks. And so he disappeared..

The Australian looked around and said to the genie: It's so lonely here, I wish the other 2 guys came back!

 

[Dan Dan]

Basics do you mean the Nate the Snake one? I tried to tell my mates that one when we were super drunk and couldn't remember most of it...but I still made it last a good 15 mins! I kind of expanded some bits though, plus they kept asking dumbass questions about what was even going on.

anyway:

what do you call a man with a shovel on his head?

DOUG!

what do you call a man WITHOUT a shovel on his head?

DOUGLAS!

 

[Catamaran]

I think I bring myself closer and closer to hell every time i hear/tell this joke but it's great.


A young boy named Timmy approaches his dad with a huge smile and says.

"Dad I think i finally know what i want to be when i grow up!"

The dad says

"Shutup Timmy, you have cancer."

 

[Niraj]

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. Suddenly he takes the leash and starts spinning the dog around his head. The manager runs up and says "what the hell do you think you're doing?!" The blind man says "just looking around"

 

[Jackal]

I think I bring myself closer and closer to hell every time i hear/tell this joke but it's great.


A young boy named Timmy approaches his dad with a huge smile and says.

"Dad I think i finally know what i want to be what i grow up!"

The dad says

"Shutup Timmy, you have cancer."

this is brutal but i died laughing ahhaha

 

[Dragontamer]

can we do racist jokes pleaseeeee

What is the difference between a black man and a bench?


A bench can support a family

Bah, why not.

Redneck: I'm part black
Guy #2: Really? I don't believe ya
Redneck: No really, I got a blacks hanging on my family tree since last week.

---

Q. Why are there little cotton balls inside medicine?
A. To remind blacks that they picked cotton before they started doing drugs.

Okay, before I get shot/infracted, I'll stop telling racist jokes >_>

 

[sam_vinetz]

what do you call a lesbian dinosaur? a lickalottapuss.

 

[Aeolus]

I have a very famous, hilarious, and fantastic joke that I told in a very old thread on Smogon... but I'll tell it again for all the wonderful new people. Also, only about 20% of people actually get it... so don't feel bad if you don't understand. I'd explain, but it ruins it.

What did the man who invented hotcakes say?

"These sales are unprecedented!!"

 

[Phoenix_21]

Lol Aeolus thats hilarious! I always liked this one:

The 'Ugly people of America Society' are a group of wonderfully kind generous types who go around America helping people, but as the name of their group suggests they are not the prettiest bunch.

One tragic day, their tour bus crashes and all 30 of them are killed! When they get to heaven, they find Jesus himself waiting to greet them. He tells them they because they endured the hardship of being ugly but were still excellent people on Earth, they were allowed one priveleged wish each for the afterlife.

The first guy says this: 'Lord, i have tried to lead a good life, but although i do not want to appear vain, i wish to be beautiful in Heaven please'.

Jesus says 'Of course my son, your God shall not deny you this simple wish'.

All down the line of people the wish is the same - the ugly people finally get to be beautiful. By the time Jesus reaches the middle of the line, however, the guy at the end of the line starts sniggering.

This man's laughter becomes more pronounced the closer Jesus gets to him - open laughter when there are only a couple of people left in line before him, and by the time Jesus gets there, the man is rolling on the floor in a fit a hysterical laughter.

Finally, Jesus says to the man 'And what is your wish, my son?'.

The guy manages to get a hold of himself and weakly says through his tears: 'Make 'em all ugly again!'.

 

[Chill Murray]

This is my favorite joke, and probably one of the more disgusting jokes you'll ever hear (bar The Aristocrats):

Three American GIs are stationed in Belgium in World War II. They know they're about to get shipped out to the front lines, so they decide to make the most of their lives while they still can. In this pursuit, they decide to go to a Belgian whorehouse.

They go up to the proprietor of the place and say "Look, Mac, we're about to get shipped out to the front lines. We're looking for the time of our lives before we go. Give us your best hooker, the price is no object." So, the proprietor tells them, "Ok, I know just what you are looking for. Go all the way down the hallway, last door on the right. The only thing is, you must go in one at a time." They agree and pay the man, and then make their way down the hallway.

The first GI goes in, and he sees a beautiful, buxom, bombshell blond lying on a bed with red satin sheets. It's the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, and the flattering red dress she's wearing helps. He gets hard just looking at her. The two of them get undressed, and she turns off the lights, so that it's pitch black in the room.

All of a sudden, the guy starts getting the best blowjob he's ever had in his life. I mean, there are fireworks going off in his head and everything, it's that good. It would be amazing enough if she was just giving him the blowjob, but while she was doing this, she was singing bits of opera in the most beautiful voice he'd ever heard. He would have been moved to tears by the voice if he hadn't been... somewhat occupied.

He finishes rather quickly, gets dressed, and leaves the room, telling the other two GIs, "That was definitely worth the money. I can't even describe it, you have to see for yourself."

So the second guy walks in, and same deal. The blond's lying on the bed, they take off their clothes, she turns off the lights, and she starts giving him the best blowjob he's ever heard while singing in the most beautiful voice he's ever heard.

He finishes and leaves the room, and tells the third guy, "Joe wasn't kidding, she's dynamite! I mean, you go in there, and she's the most beautiful woman you've ever seen! Then she turns off the lights, and she starts blowing you while singing opera! It's amazing!"

The third guy thinks something fishy is going on. He goes in, the two of them get undressed, and the whore turns off the lights. However, before she can start blowing him, the third GI walks over to the light and turns it on.



And there on the table is the glass eye.

 

[keloggsequent]

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?


Getting raped




Why did the clown fall off the ladder?


Because he got shot in the face



Why is the sky blue?



Light is made up of electromagnetic waves. The distance between 2 crests in this wave is called the wavelength. White light contains all the colors of the rainbow. The amount of light scattered for any given colour depends on the wavelength of that colour. All the colors in white light have different wavelengths. Red light has the longest wavelength. The wavelength of blue light is about half that of red light. This difference in wavelength causes blue light to be scattered nearly ten times more than red light. Lord Rayleigh studied this phenomena in detail. It is caused the Tyndall effect or Rayleigh scattering. Lord Rayleigh also calculated that even without smoke and dust in the atmosphere, the oxygen and nitrogen molecules would still cause the sky to appear blue because of scattering. When blue light waves try to go straight through an oxygen and nitrogen molecules, its light is scattered in all directions because of this collision. This scattered blue light is what makes the sky blue. All other colors (with longer wavelengths than blue light) are scattered too. Blue light's short wavelength causes it to be scattered the most. (The shorther the wavelength of the color, the more that color gets scattered by the atmosphere). Actually, violet has the shortest wavelength of all colors. Violet is scattered even more than blue light. However, our eyes are much more sensitive to see blue than violet, therefore we see the sky as blue. Very little visible light is absorbed by the atmosphere.

oo

 

[Chill Murray]

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?

I prefer the alternate answers "the Holocaust" or "9/11", depending on who you're trying to offend. :justin:

Anyway, on a lighter note:

Did you guys hear the one about the circus? It's in tents!

A dog walks into a bar in the Old West. He walks up to the bar and says, "I'm looking fer the man who shot mah paw."

A man walks into a bar with a salamander on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, that's a nice little lizard you got there, what's his name?" The man says, "Tiny." The bartender stares at him quizzically for a moment, and says, "Why the hell'd you name him Tiny?" The man replied, "Because he's my newt."

 

[KOB354]

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

a golfer goes: whack......oh shit.
a skydiver goes: OH SHIT.....WHACK!

 

[Doomsday]

A duck goes into a pet shop. He asks the store attendant, "Hello! Do you have any duck food?" to which the store attendant responds with a "no". The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes back to the pet shop and asks the same question as before: "Hi! Do you have any duck food?", and the attendant answers with a "no" once again. The duck leaves.
The next day, same exact thing happens. "Hello! Do you have any duck food?" A slightly frustrated attendant answers, yet again, with "no." The duck leaves.
The NEXT day, the duck is back - "Heya! Do you have any duck food?"
All the rage stored inside the store attendant flew out - "NO! NO WE DON'T HAVE ANY DUCK FOOD. IF YOU COME BACK TOMORROW, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE GROUND". The duck leaves.

In the following day, the duck is back. The attendant feels flustered. The duck asks, "Hiya there! Do you have any nails?"
"...no"
"Well, how about duck food?"

 

[Niraj]

These two old men in a nursing home who are friends always have to one up each other. They're talking to each one morning, and the first one says "Getting old is terrible. My hands shake so bad, that when I was shaving this morning I cut myself four times." His friend responds "That's nothing! MY hands shake so bad, that this morning while I was taking a piss, I came three times"

 

[Leechy]

Chuck Norris was venturing through the jungle one day, when he got bit by a cobra. He quickly called home, and had his assistant arange a helicopter flight to the nearest hospital.

After three days of agonizing struggle, the cobra finally succumbed and died.

 

[gorm]

A duck goes into a pet shop. He asks the store attendant, "Hello! Do you have any duck food?" to which the store attendant responds with a "no". The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes back to the pet shop and asks the same question as before: "Hi! Do you have any duck food?", and the attendant answers with a "no" once again. The duck leaves.
The next day, same exact thing happens. "Hello! Do you have any duck food?" A slightly frustrated attendant answers, yet again, with "no." The duck leaves.
The NEXT day, the duck is back - "Heya! Do you have any duck food?"
All the rage stored inside the store attendant flew out - "NO! NO WE DON'T HAVE ANY DUCK FOOD. IF YOU COME BACK TOMORROW, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL NAIL YOUR FEET TO THE GROUND". The duck leaves.

In the following day, the duck is back. The attendant feels flustered. The duck asks, "Hiya there! Do you have any nails?"
"...no"
"Well, how about duck food?"

Doomsday I swear to god this is my mothers favorite joke.

 

[Basics]

Lol Gormenghast it is also my dad's.

 

[gorm]

CUZ'??