Colress' Lab Reports

Art by LifeisDANK.

Smogleaks has uncovered internal documents from the defunct Team Plasma. Each of these is a choice selection of their head scientist, Colress. Below are some choice selections:

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« previous 11/18/10 next »

Today my old colleague, Ghetsis, was on the news. He's been on and off it for years, usually about his personal crusade to liberate Pokémon. He had never talked about it in his younger days, so I just assumed he had some sort of spiritual awakening.

Turns out he was in charge of some sort of thievery cult. Got busted after he and his son tried to stage a hostile coup against the League. I guess it's always the quiet ones.

Anyways, next month I make my presentation on my "Colress Machine" (Trademark pending). With the push of the button, I'll be able to increase the strength of every Pokémon! I'm basing it off the Shadow Pokémon of Orre and trying to find a humane way to increase their aggression so that they don't attack trainers. Unfortunately, I have no money and no prototype. Hopefully I'll have something by the end of next month.

« previous 11/18/10 next »

« previous 12/30/10 next »

I have nothing. Apparently the committee of scientists are unwilling to invest in my project out of concerns of "playing god," and "if this fell in the wrong hands". Is it so bad to want to bring out the best in Pokémon?

Saw on the news today that there's been another advancement in Pokémon resurrection. This has given me the idea to modify ancient Pokémon with modern technology. I don't have a name for it yet, but I want a prehistoric machine of destruction with sharp claws, a cannon, and the ability to fly.

Still got no money. Got a letter in my mailbox unstamped and with my address marked as the return address. It was signed by someone named Zinzolin (name sounds familiar, remember to look it up) and offered exciting new job opportunities. I just have to meet him in a dark alley next week. This might sound desperate, but I think I'll take his offer.

« previous 12/30/10 next »

« previous 1/15/11 next »

I took the offer. To my surprise, not only did Zinzolin meet me, but so did my old friend Ghetsis and his three bodyguards (I think they called themselves The Triad?). Ghetsis explained to me that his new Team Plasma needed a friendly face, one not associated with attempting to overthrow our system of government. I'm told for now that I'll be in the shadows but that I should expect some positive publicity coming my way sometime in the near future. Neither he nor Zinzolin were entirely clear on what their plan was, but they offered me funding for any of my projects in return for my help.

I explained The Colress Machine and my resurrection project. Zinzolin seemed interested by my machine, but Ghetsis perked up when I talked about the resurrection project. He talked at length about how he recovered a fossil recently that could be used. I really think this will go somewhere. Plus I have money now.

« previous 1/15/11 next »

« previous 2/20/11 next »

Alder has resigned from the Elite Four. A young child is his successor. Rejoice.

Next entry will provide more detail into "Genesect".

« previous 2/20/11 next »

« previous 3/5/11 next »

I handed the first proposal to Ghetsis. I was told that the proposal was too large in scale. I've decided to shrink the Genesect to 15 feet. Currently my plans are for a fleet of 300 with 18 cannons (one for each type). They shall be equipped with the sharpest claws known to man and Pokémon and will fly like jets.

They shall strike fear into the heart of the enemy, striking down Interpol agent after Interpol agent. If we were able to crush an Elite 4 and a Pokémon League champion with a single legendary Pokémon, imagine what we can do with 300 armored prehistoric monsters. One after another the greatest trainers will fall, and most importantly, I'll get to test my theory as to whether or not retrofitting a long extinct Pokémon with armor and the ability to fly is enough to unlock its hidden potential.

The Colress Machine is also coming along, I have most of the machine complete. Unfortunately when I use it, the Pokémon unleashes a sharp roar and then goes to sleep. Will have to try it on Zinzolin, might work as an off switch.

My idol, Ein, thought that the key was to seal away a Pokémon's heart. What if he was wrong? He did end up beaten by some no name thief. Maybe I'm the one on the right track to unlocking the true potential of every Pokémon!

Current Statistics:
Number of Genesect: 300
Height of Genesect: 15 feet
Number of Cannons: 18 (1 for every Pokémon type).
Sharp Claws?: Sharp Claws.
Flight?: Can fly, like a giant jet.
Current project status: Funds allocated for further research.

« previous 3/5/11 next »

« previous 5/13/11 next »

More downsizing. We are now to only make 10 Genesect, apparently we don't have the budget for 300 flying death machines. All my other requisites remain the same though.

Unfortunately, Ghetsis has several warrants out for his arrest including: Kidnapping, Theft, Pokémon Abuse, Attempted Murder, Murder (will ask the Triad about this one later), Arson, and a few unpaid parking tickets. Hey, how can we afford ninjas and not a science project? I'll ask the on-staff Pokémon Nurse about this later.

The Colress Machine has entered Beta. It no longer makes Pokémon go to sleep immediately, but now they do attack a wall before they knock themselves out. I'll have to refocus their energies. Unfortunately, Zinzolin will no longer let me experiment on him. The one attempt I took on him ended with him curled in a ball and in tears. It was insightful.

Ghetsis is putting his mind to use thinking of ways to make his yacht fly, a very practical concern. Perhaps I should make a space suit. Anyways, I have officially become our new public face, and unfortunately this will take away from Project Genesect. I've had a few ideas, like trying to reframe us as a new public interest group researching new energy solutions. Or researching different Pokémon types. I haven't run it through Ghetsis yet, but I'm sure he would be receptive to a rebranding if it brought in money.

So we have downsized, but I got a fossil. It was a hard dig, but it has sharp claws so hopefully we can make those claws even sharper. Now let us go and unlock its true potential!

Current Statistics:
Number of Genesect: 10
Height of Genesect: 15 feet
Number of Cannons: 18
Sharp Claws?: Sharp Claws.
Flight?: Can fly, like a giant jet.
Current project status: Pending further funding.

« previous 5/13/11 next »

« previous 8/13/11 next »

So all this downsizing was getting me upset. Then I remembered what my old college professor taught me, to look at things from a different angle. What if I made Genesect smaller? I thought on this and soon realized my brilliance. By making smaller Genesect, I can make more of them and they can fly faster too.

Of course this means simplifying the design, but 100 Genesect with 6 cannons flying at supersonic speeds should bring the Unova region to heel quickly. I'm really enthusiastic about this, I'm sure Professor Oak would be proud!

Current Statistics:
Number of Genesect: 100
Height of Genesect: 10 feet
Number of Cannons: 6 (each able to fire attacks from three different Pokémon types)
Sharp Claws?: Sharp Claws.
Flight?: Can fly supersonic.
Current project status: Pending funds for cannon and flight research

« previous 8/13/11 next »

« previous 10/10/11 next »

Made good progress on the Colress Machine (Trademark still pending). My Pokémon still listen to me when I use it, but it leaves them tired afterwards. Can't take it out of beta quite yet.

Ordered some pizza tonight for the research assistants and me. I'm hoping to keep morale high in the face of budget cuts.

« previous 10/10/11 next »

« previous 11/27/11 next »

Ghetsis has informed me that due to a much-needed morale boost, we're going to discuss with him a project to build a full-scale replica of the old castle. The one we don't have the plans to anymore and is in the possession of the Pokémon League.

I tried to raise the issue with Zinzolin. "I only feel alive when I'm cold, I'm burning right now," was all he could say. I'm really hoping he doesn't concoct some insane scheme to turn our base into a freezer, turning down the air conditioner is low enough. Anyways, with the Genesect Project on hold, I've restructured the project. There will now be 50 Genesect, one supermassive cannon (I had to eject some non-vital organs to make room), and it will constantly levitate off the ground so that Ground-types won't touch it (had to dramatically decrease leg size there for that). I'm hoping I can get the cannon to fire 250-Base Power moves of any type. I understand there's a professor in a tropical region who studies move types. If I could ditch Zinzolin long enough, I'd go there and ask his advice on how that would be done.

In the meantime, Zinzolin and I are off to the store. To buy materials to build a massive castle that is the replica of another massive and now infamous castle. In one of the biggest cities in the world and probably under the nose of the five strongest trainers in that city.

While at a store, that freezing old man suggested I buy some hair conditioner, saying I've got a dreamcatcher stuck in my hair. He doesn't understand! It's the latest fashion from Lumiose! It's supposed to be like that! I paid more money for this hairdo then his absurd air conditioning bills. I took this job to pay for this hair! I'll maintain it however I want to maintain it! Just to spite him, I should put my hair on Project Genesect. Meanwhile the airconditioning is still on. It's the end of November! Snow is on the ground! How cold does one man need it?

Current Statistics:
Number of Genesect: 100
Height of Genesect: 10 feet
Number of Cannons: 6 (prioritizing Steel, Bug, Electric, Water, Fire, and Ice attacks, with possibility for further expansion via Drives)
Sharp Claws?: Sharp Claws.
Flight?: Subsonic flight only.
Current project status: Cannon and flight research funds denied. Project pending further review.

« previous 11/27/11 next »

« previous 3/18/12 next »

Alright, we're back on some track. We're not rebuilding N's Castle anymore. Ghetsis realized that was a bad idea. Zinzolin and I actually got through to him on that. We're now planning on capturing a legendary, man-eating ice dragon. I won't lie, I am curious to see what will happen when I use my Colress Machine (Trademark finally approved!) on it. In the meantime, my assistants and I are celebrating the completion of the machine, our first real triumph. Hopefully now we can recenter on Genesect.

« previous 3/18/12 next »

« previous 6/30/12 next »

This project has gone nowhere. We still don't have a prototype, and the project is stalled while R&D labs are restructured. There is talk that Zinzolin has offered Ghetsis a specialized cane that would let him control Kyurem without having to catch it. At this point, I just want to know if I have to build it. The old fart doesn't even need a cane anyways.

The Triad keep watching me, I'm not sure why. We keep clashing with the same kid from some backwater town. They interest me. The idea that the true strength of a Pokémon is through bonding intrigues me, I just wish I could bond with Genesect already.

Where I stand personally though is screwed up. I know work as the public face of a secretive militant branch of a terrorist organization and they won't let me finish my research. Professor Oak wouldn't be proud.

Current Statistics:
Number of Genesect: 50
Height of Genesect: 10 feet
Number of Cannons: 1, able to fire 250-Base Power attacks of any Pokémon type.
Sharp Claws?: Sharp Claws.
Flight?: Subsonic flight, granting unparallelled speed and immunity to Ground-type moves in combat.
Current project status: Pending restructuring of Pokémon R&D lab.

« previous 6/30/12 next »

« previous 7/20/12 next »

I made the cane. Turns out Zinzolin isn't very good at making canes. Or making science. So I had to make the cane he offered Ghetsis. It was a bit hasty, I didn't mention that, but I almost hope it breaks on the guy and he has to stare down a giant ice dragon. The only caveat is that I worked in my Colress Machine (Trademark) so that I can see how it affects the dragon.

Zinzolin managed to convince Ghetsis to turn our boat into a large, herculean aircraft all so he could stay cool. It is now harder for me to order delivery. I despise him.

Now that Ghetsis doesn't really care about the Genesect project, I'm going to try to sneak in more funding. A hundred of them at ten feet a piece with that giant cannon with built in Steel-, Bug-, Electric-, Water-, Fire-, and Ice-type attacks. I can install the rest with drives or disks.

So while I'm installing engines, I'll also create the first prototype. Five feet tall, with a smaller cannon and the ability to change the cannon's type with some premade Fire, Ice, Water, and Electric expansions will do for now. The cannon's a bit weak, but that's what prototypes are for.

Now excuse me, jet turbines don't install themselves on the bottom of frigates.

Current Statistics:
Number of Genesect: 100
Height of Genesect: 10 feet
Number of Cannons: 1, firing 250-Base Power attacks of the following Pokémon types: Steel, Bug, Electric, Water, Fire, and Ice. Further move types to be installed later via Drives.
Sharp Claws?: Sharp Claws.
Flight?: None negotiable
Current project status: Awaiting further developments of other projects.

« previous 7/20/12 next »

« previous 8/13/12 next »

There is no more purpose. I've released the prototype Genesect so that it may find a Ditto to hopefully create Genesect eggs with. At least, I hope it works that way.

Our Frigate is now airborne and we have captured Kyurem. It's in a relatively tiny box and the ship is freezing. Zinzolin keeps complaining about it. I just despair that I have failed to unlock the true potential in Pokémon.

I came into this project thinking that only through the depraved desires and machinations of man could I unlock their true power. A terrifying machine of war, capable of vast destruction. Of course the best partner would be Ghetsis, a man so terrifying he's become Unova's most wanted. Now he just haunts his own halls, a ghost to his own plans. His Triad blindly following him and him strung along by Zinzolin. Who just wanted better air conditioner.

If I knew it would come to this, I'd have left long ago. I have crossed the Rubicon. I'm not sure exactly when that moment was, but it was probably from the day I said yes to Ghetsis. Or perhaps it was the day I first focused on the idea that I would be the one to draw out the true potential of Pokémon.

I'd have had much more success as a Klinklang than a man.

I now steer this ship and aim its giant gun. For some reason, we still keep the Triad on staff. Ghetsis has become unstable enough that I'm scared to say the wrong thing to them and end up disappearing. And me? I've unleashed what may well be a killing machine upon the world, have ruined any chance of a proper institution ever accepting my work, and have had the trust I held with an old friend destroyed. For what? Freezing myself half to death on the bridge of a large flying boat.

Current Statistics: Number of Genesect: 100
Height of Genesect: 5 feet
Number of Cannons: 1, firing 120-Base Power Normal-type attacks, to be changed by installing expansion Drives. Funding currently granted for Electric, Water, Fire and Ice expansion drives.
Sharp Claws?: Sharp Claws.
Flight?: To be implemented at a later date.
Current project status: Awaiting executive decision.

« previous 8/13/12 next »

« previous 12/31/12 next »

That kid keeps coming to this ship to fight me. He keeps beating me. I'm stuck in a nowhere place off Nuvema Town. No one goes to Nuvema Town. Twenty four/seven, I babysit a bunch of people who thought it was a good idea to trust someone who dressed like a castle. Middle managers took all my funds before leaving the team and now I have no money to do any work with. I want a vacation.

There is now a Genesect patch on the Internet. I have permanently nerfed it. Claws are dull, cannon is weaker. Zinzolin will be happy, he thought Genesect looked happier without the claws. Now it's "cuddly". Also it has to be connected to the Internet at all times.

I think I need to take some vacations. Find myself. I got a few regions in mind.

Current Statistics:
Number of Genesect: 1
Height of Genesect: 5 feet
Number of Cannons: 1, firing 85-Base Power Normal-type attacks. Electric, Water, Fire, and Ice drives are completed, funding denied for further drives.
Sharp Claws?: Blunt claws, due to ethics concerns.
Flight?: No.
Current project status: Terminated. One prototype specimen roaming, specimen status: unknown.

« previous 12/31/12 next »

« previous 11/20/16 next »

Returned from my Kalos trip three months ago. The kid who used to beat me is an adult now, we drink and eat together sometimes. I've been granted amnesty thanks to my efforts to rehabilitate members of Team Plasma. The Colress Machine has been buried, I don't want someone like Ghetsis to have one.

On my last discussion with my friend, he gave me a ticket to the Alola region. I'm here now and it's astounding. I've been raising an Alolan Grimer and studying how its strengths are different from the usual forme of Grimer. I think its intermingling with man-made garbage here has much improved its power. Definitely a unique way of drawing out its full power.

Learned about Z-Moves the other day from a young trainer I met on the road. I noticed his bracelet, and I'd like to one day compare a Z-Crystal and a Mega Stone side by side. Both bring out dormant power in a Pokémon for a short period of time, but how do they compare? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious.

I gave the man a TM and I hope he can put it to good use. The weather agrees with me here, and I think I'll stay a while longer. Maybe this will be my fresh start on research that I've wanted so badly.

Current Statistics:
Number of Genesect: Unknown
Height of Genesect: 5 feet
Number of Cannons: 1, firing 85-Base Power Normal-type attacks. Electric, Water, Fire and Ice drives, no more drives being produced.
Sharp Claws?: Unknown
Flight?: No
Current project status: Disbanded. Unknown number of specimen roaming, specimen status: constantly trying to connect to the Internet.

« previous 11/20/16 next »

« previous Conclusion

You heard it here first folks! Colress is in Alola and he likes pizza. This is unprecedented news! But don't you worry, we here at Smogleaks promise even bigger news soon.

« previous Conclusion