FOR THE GUYS which way do you wipe your ass

which way

  • Total voters
    39
MAMP

MAMP

MAMP!
is a Metagame Resource Contributor Alumnus
At the pub last night I was telling the boys that I felt older than I ever had before after I had hurt my back wiping my ass earlier in the day. As I did so, I mimed my wiping technique, to demonstrate the motion that had caused the back pain. Immediately, one of my nearest and dearest friends said "what? you wipe from the back?" and two other young men whom I would trust with my life chimed in with similar expressions of surprise. Needless to say, my gob was smacked. Never in my life have I even considered wiping from the front (Gotta move the D and Bs out the way? What if you wipe poop onto your nuts?), and when I expressed this to the fellas they were equally confused, insisting that wiping from the front was the most natural and intuitive way to go about it. We all left the beer garden that night mystified, and less assured of our capacity to understand our fellow men.

So I bring this question to you, fine individuals of Smog Off. Are you wiping frontways, or scraping it up from behind? Or is there a secret third option ("freaky style" or "silly mode") hitherto unknown to science (science here meaning me and my boys at the pub)?
 
I’d like to clarify that I’m not a freak when I said from the front, I just misread the question.

I wipe from the back, but in a front to back motion. I know people that wipe from the back, but in a back to front motion (this is a separate convo that I’ve had before).

I don’t know of anyone that fully wipes from the front, that’s crazy
 
^when people ask me what my hobbies are I make sure to tell them that I play competitive pokemon, sure, but I’m the “leader” of the subsection where we have intellectual conversations like these. This makes me very popular among my peers
 
phoopes said:
^when people ask me what my hobbies are I make sure to tell them that I play competitive pokemon, sure, but I’m the “leader” of the subsection where we have intellectual conversations like these. This makes me very popular among my peers
Click to expand...
the de jure leader, sure

ev'ryone knows the real trendsetter around these parts is PokeKids2
 
Adeleine said:
Which way will you wipe, western man?
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i'm no western man but...
1753457983253.png
 
also, top to bottom is the best option, but it’s not on here for some reason
 
The real question is do you wipe sitting or standing - i was a stander my whole life til i learned of the sitters, then i changed my ways when presented with new information.
 
while pondering this I realize that there are actually many variables to consider when describing deuce taking technique
  • whether you move your arm around back or front of body
  • front to back vs back to front wipe direction
  • bidet or tp
  • standing or sitting
  • facing forwards or facing backwards so you can rest your computer on the cistern and play stardew valley
  • normal bristol stool scale output

I have come to the conclusion that we need a complete classification system to effectively communicate all these details.
I recommend that we just adapt myers briggs, which is already a proven system for classifying meaningless information about people, for our own purposes.
When it comes to shitting I am an INTJ. This myers shitts classification will be going on my CV
 
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