Serious or do You?

[Cereza]

Please listen to all the lyrics, because what I have to say is something I can't really describe on my own words. I would also appreciate honest responses and if you have nothing nice to say, just don't say anything. I would appreciate it.​

[youtube]r0U0AlLVqpk[/youtube]
or do you?
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Hello Smogon!

*sigh* This is a topic that I have been planning on posting for quite a while, but it is just so hard to bring it into words that I just haven't had the guts to do it. But today is the day. Smogon, do you understand mental illnesses?

I was diagnosed with depression at a very young age, I didn't take meds at the time because I was just so young. Though, I went to therapy for quite a while. A few months after stopping the visits with the therapist depression kicked in again. But I was tired. I hated therapy so much that I just pretended to be happy. I really was miserable inside though, and because of destiny...I began painting... well...

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After my mom found out that I was doing that I was sent to the hospital where I had to stay for a few weeks. I was going back to therapy and everything seemed to be doing great. I stopped cutting and I was getting my confidence back.


At the age of 16 I met this really nice guy and we soon started dating, everything was sweet and roses at first but then... if you don't know spanish just watch the video; you'll still get my point.

[youtube]B1RFNkdktpI[/youtube]​

After that incident I was diagnosed with Anxiety and EDNOS. The doctors decided I was old enough to start taking medication, so there I was. Taking anti-depressants at the age of 17. They worked for me, and soon again I was feeling better.

Fast forward 2 years now to 2012. I had been working as a waitress for a few months at a catering center and by March(iirc) of 2012 I was "promoted" to Bridal Attendant. The pay is good but dealing with bitchy brides can only stress you so much. So there I was, going to school and working. I was losing it. So it happened again...
[youtube]Ty0SF6jmDf8[/youtube]

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This time I was more careful about my cuts and would only do it in places where no one would find out. I started cutting again in May I believe, and kept everything to myself.

Everyone started to notice I wasn't the same anymore, how could I? I was no longer the person I was before; I was hiding a huge secret. I stopped taking my meds and the visits with my therapist were all cancelled. Cutting became my medicine.

NSFW

I reached bottom by the end of the year and in an effort to stop my cutting I decided to enroll in an Stress Management class. The problem was that I broke before classes even began and I told my parents about it. I was terrified about how they would react but they were really supportive. I was taken yet again to the hospital where I stood for about 3 weeks.


I just got out of the hospital 1 day before school started!! Anyways, things were supposed to change. But they didn't. I kept cutting until one of my professors saw my scars by accident and called me out to talk to me. I was sent to see a counselor and that same day I ended up again in the ER. This was a few weeks into the semester btw.

Anyways, I had to do inpatient again for another 3 weeks and have to go to therapy twice a week, but that's okay. I really feel much, much better now.

Anyways, because of the cutting and the suicide attempts-which I won't talk about because...- I was diagnosed with BPD.

I have been clean for a few weeks now and have to say I really don't want to go back to that life. So Smogon;
What are your thoughts on mental illnesses?
Do you or anyone that you know suffer from one?
How do you deal with? if you have one
What do you tell a friend who suffers from one or any other of these conditions?
[youtube]cjVQ36NhbMk[/youtube]

We're all old enough to talk about this topic, but please, lets be civilized! :)


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[Alice]

I can somehow relate to you except I haven't cut myself or taken drugs...

All i can say as to how to manage depression and anxiety for such a long time (15 years in my case) is just... survival instinct?

seriously... either that or just a strong will... but i'm leaning on the former because I haven't overcome it yet; most of my days are all grey... and i just keep on hating this world, but i just come through with routine (somehow).

EDIT: as for the suicide thing, a long time ago i met this girl who... uhm... let's say her hobby was to try different methods of suicide every day, to no avail -she once told me she was so useless "she couldn't kill herself efficiently"-. Last time i checked she was doing fine (the suicide stuff was 10 years ago), but i saw some chilly stuff when hanging around with her back in the day...

 

[inanimate blob]

Oh my god, what a heart-wrenching story. I'm glad you've stayed clean recently, that's such a great first step.

What are your thoughts on mental illnesses?: They deserve to be treated like physical illnesses because they can have terrible, harmful side effects too. I have the utmost respect for people able to admit they have illnesses.

Do you or anyone that you know suffer from one?: Let's see...a few of my friends cuts their wrists, a few of my friends tried to kill themselves, and one kid at my school actually did.

How do you deal with? if you have one: Mainly by telling people. Others are very important for helping you either get over your illness or recover.

What do you tell a friend who suffers from one or any other of these conditions?: Get help and don't lie. It'll save your life.

 

[Stratos]

i used to feel like you do, Cereza... or at least I think i did?

just thinking out loud here, why is it you didn't tell your parents or anyone else about your cutting? Did you prefer the times you spent with the therapist or in the hospital, but you thought it had gone on too long? Did you think you needed to deal with the problems yourself and stop being a little baby? Did you not want to burden your parents with the fact that their kid couldn't fend for themselves? Did you feel like an awful, undeserving wretch because all you were doing was draining other people's time and resources while you wallowed in your misery? Because I felt like all those things. I hated going to school but I would rush back into it because dammit that's where I was supposed to be, not at a counselor's office like some stupid manchild. I might be wildly off-base here, but if that's you or if anyone else in this thread is reading and it's you then all i can say is take all the fucking time in the world. You don't have to be strong. You may think you're annoying people with your weakness but it will hurt your parents or whoever a million measures more if they send you out into the world and you're not ready and you relapse, and there are people willing to deal with you until you really can do it by yourself.

And on the topic of not relapsing once you are out in the world, the best advice i can give is to join a club or a team who you feel comfortable with. I wouldn't start deep personal relationships if you're struggling, because if they're broken, it has the tendency to force you back into depression. But if you have a group of good friends who you are with multiple times a week, it'll help you a ton. I was lucky enough to join my school's cross country team, which is a group of the most entertaining, down-to-earth real guys I have ever met, and just being around them five times a week while we run has completely eliminated all my depression.

of course, I never actually had any disorders to do with my depression and while i'm sure that changes the ballgame, I find it hard to believe that my advice couldn't help anyway.

 

[scampy]

I'm glad you're feeling better about things, and I really hope stuff works out for you in future.

I'm lucky enough to have no mental illnesses to call my own, but I'm close friends with people who have pretty severe depression and OCD. To be honest I can't offer them advice as I've never "been there", so we just kinda talk about it. Talking will always help, I find. I also recommend to them to find others who have beaten depression, and listen to what they have to say. Role models are important. : )

 

[DM]

Yes, I have known people with mental illnesses, namely depression and anorexia. As ThatsMyLatios said, all you can really do is give them your love and remind them of how they affect your life. Ultimately, you cannot force them to get better; they must improve on their own, and sometimes they don't.

 

[Pernicious]

Did you feel like an awful, undeserving wretch because all you were doing was draining other people's time and resources while you wallowed in your misery? Because I felt like all those things. I hated going to school but I would rush back into it because dammit that's where I was supposed to be, not at a counselor's office like some stupid manchild.

ding!

you have a fantastically wise take on all of this pwnemon and i'm glad to hear you're doing better. i would give anyone else who is suffering the exact advice you gave: find a group of people or an activity that appeals to you and cultivate your relationship to them/it.

i have no idea if i have a legitimate mental illness -- probably not; i've never cut, attempted suicide, seen a professional therapist, but i have almost overwhelming anxiety and can feel quite depressed because of it (one of the ridiculous problems i have is that i worry my stress about being depressed/anxious is fucking up my brain chemistry even further -- a kind of obsessive mobius strip of obsessive thinking, if you will). sometimes i think that being very close friends with depressed/anxious people has exacerbated things, almost because i can be such a little chameleon sometimes and replicate their symptoms of being screwed up.

the paradox of mental illness is that we all want to help everyone who has one but we don't think we deserve help ourselves. i can't count the number of times i've felt angry, frustrated, hopeless because i knew one of my friends was refusing to be honest about his/her problems, even when i desperately wanted to try to help. and yet i've often adopted the mindset of "just ignore it, fake it, bottle it up, they don't have to know." it's ... complicated, i think, because the impulse to wear a mask in order to escape social labeling is not a dishonest one and stems from genuine concern. like it or not, people look at you differently. i don't know -- as an artist-type, i have always empathized with people's life-holes more when i understood that they were making an effort to deal with that pain transformatively in some way, either through expression or wry understanding. we can't lie, but we can't stay here in this dead zone, either. cultivation, i think.

dm, you have had more life experience than me, but i wonder if that particular way of phrasing things isn't slightly pessimistic -- i am the type to smash his head through a brick wall, so it is possible that i am simply thinking i could do things that are not possible, but i wonder if i would ever feel comfortable stopping. everything is a decision, everything is some result of an arpeggio or a mental movement, even if genes for depression/addiction are in some way hard-wired ---- it frustrates me to consider anyone too far gone.

frankly, one thing i try to do for my friends is to make their lives better without them realizing it. kind of like a stealth pimping of their experience. because it can piss me off and them when they feel they are being given pity help. the trick is to not reach out your hand so far you seem like some cheery UNICEF ambassador, and to acknowledge ways in which you too are screwed up -- so it is not moses reaching down to the peasant from atop a cliff, but one blind man carrying another on his shoulder out of a pit.

 

[moonbound]

Two of the most friendly outgoing guys I have ever known killed themselves without any previous outward sign of depression. One of them i had seen the day before, and we had happily talked about our plans for summer and the next year. It was weird, almost surreal when someone told me the next day that he had shot himself. I guess the worst thing about this is how invisible it is, whether or not the person wants to hide it.

I have a pretty mild case of schizophrenia, it's never amounted to anything serious but I could describe it later when I have access to a computer.

Edit: Really busy today (Sunday), will have post completed tomorrow. Probably.

 

[Minwu]

just thinking out loud here, why is it you didn't tell your parents or anyone else about your cutting? Did you prefer the times you spent with the therapist or in the hospital, but you thought it had gone on too long? Did you think you needed to deal with the problems yourself and stop being a little baby? Did you not want to burden your parents with the fact that their kid couldn't fend for themselves? Did you feel like an awful, undeserving wretch because all you were doing was draining other people's time and resources while you wallowed in your misery? Because I felt like all those things. I hated going to school but I would rush back into it because dammit that's where I was supposed to be, not at a counselor's office like some stupid manchild. I might be wildly off-base here, but if that's you or if anyone else in this thread is reading and it's you then all i can say is take all the fucking time in the world. You don't have to be strong. You may think you're annoying people with your weakness but it will hurt your parents or whoever a million measures more if they send you out into the world and you're not ready and you relapse, and there are people willing to deal with you until you really can do it by yourself.

You're thinking out loud but it's perfect sense, I personally believe this is just uncompromisingly necessary for anyone to remember: mutually extending your hand is all of what good family and relationships are based on.






Anyways, it's you time, cereza, so keep caring about yourself.

From the onset I'm going to agree that any kind of mental dissonance is definitely physically debilitating. And it's an honest matter of legitimate challenges in life.

I definitely experience difficulty/self-weakness at times. I guess I have loving familial support from my parents ¬¬, but from my perspective there is undeniable dysfunction in the house, it's just a fact. My mom is a bit unhealthy and works purely because there's this thing called income that everyone in society needs (unfortunately) and aaa she's super and I'm always staying her friend, while my Dad does endless housework + home improvement and n e v e r leaves the house or expresses positive interest in those outside the family, though it's nothing I openly question him on too much since he's also ridiculously socially aggressive and challenges and angers (even towards his family) on all of the smallest of fucking things (I think he's an oaf sometimes ngl). I respect that he's avoidant about zilch though so maybe I owe it to ask him to talk to us more considerately about Things(tm), whether I think it will work or not.

~Six years ago, my younger sister was sent home from school with scars found on her wrist. Even at an age and in a school environment you'd think is carefree, when the sickness and often predatory nature of society gets to you, you kind of want someone to talk to. Unfortunately, it was a period of intense arguing between my parents, and I hold myself reasonably accountable for being a self-defensive prepubescent shitter that wasn't close enough to talk or find out either. We still don't really talk and I think about that a lot, I hope she's well.

I haven't quite. I felt pretty gloomy when I was 16, and I pricked myself in a spot and backed the fuck away really fast. For me the state of mind was everything I observed just meant little and everything seemed trifle and my adult life wouldn't be much. What I think is that society is honestly terrible lmao, just the existence of nukes and military fleets at the ready is all you need to know to understand that civility and understanding is a work in progress in everyone and plenty are uncaring assholes to eachother. Even with zero compromise on that value though I can 180 my thoughts about the future, because I know I never want to be a mar on things myself and there are a few people I admire. My preferredly few friends and my education and hobbies get me my positive thoughts, because even though I can't perfectly meet my ambitions sometimes, holding onto them makes me happy with myself.

That being said, for the first time in my education I'm going to take a semester's long break atm. Calc II is a clever bitch and I'm stepping away from it and going to try to nab my first job and save up money in the meantime. I'm lucky enough to live at home at 18 so I'm going to try to put every cent I can away, and go back to school when I feel good about it. Today I'm going to draft my first resume :3. My best friend is caught up in more serious life things too so we've less time recently, but they're the most important person to me so hopefully things come back in time.


edit: pernicious you are smart

 

[Lanturn314]

First of all, Cereza, I'd like to thank you for being brave enough to make this thread-- putting yourself out there like that couldn't have been easy, but ultimately threads like this are important because the more people with mental illness who speak up, the more people will be aware that it is something that deserves attention. I guess what I was about to say next pretty much falls under the category of your first question, so I'll continue there.

What are your thoughts on mental illnesses?
There is far too much stigma placed on mental illness in our society right now, which is extremely unfortunate because it keeps a lot of people from getting the help they need. If it weren't so stigmatized, then it wouldn't be so difficult for people to reach out for help. The more people talk about it though, and who come forward with their own stories about mental illness, the less foreign the concept of it will seem to the general population.

Really, I think it should be given the same status as physical illness, because it can easily be just as debilitating. Also, mental illnesses are often at least partially a result of chemical imbalances in the brain, and the brain is a physical organ too!

Just like physical illnesses, though, some are easier to treat than others. Some people might just need a few meetings with a therapist and get better... while others might take years to heal. And those who take longer to heal shouldn't be judged for taking "too long" or told to "just snap out of it" because it really isn't that easy.

Do you or anyone that you know suffer from one?
Well, I might as well come out with it-- I've been struggling with depression and social anxiety disorder for awhile now, and I'm on leave from university because of it. I'm officially returning this fall though-- yay!!

And having been through many facets of the mental health system, I definitely know a lot of people who also suffer from mental illnesses, many of whom have the same sorts of things I do. I've actually retained friendships with a lot of these people, which has been wonderful, because it's really helpful to have people you can feel safe reaching out to. I've got their back and they've got mine.

I also know a few people from just the regular world who also have mental illnesses of some sort. I know people who have been diagnosed at some point with depression, OCD, social anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, anorexia, bulemia, borderline personality disorder, probably some others... it's more common than you might think, and you actually probably wouldn't be able to figure out that most of these people have anything "wrong" with them. I only know about them having these disorders because I've been relatively open about my struggles and they've consequently opened up to me about theirs.

How do you deal with? if you have one
I wish I could give you an answer that could solve everything... but there isn't one. When my life started to spiral out of control, I took what little control I had left and sought out therapy. I started to see a therapist and psychiatrist while still at college, but ultimately that wasn't enough. I stayed in a psych ward for a couple of weeks during winter break, hoping I could get my shit together before the next semester started. I actually went back for part of that semester, continuing with meds and therapy while also putting in an honest effort when it came to my studies... but ultimately it was too much for me, so I went on medical leave so that I could concentrate on working on my issues full-time without having to also deal with a full course load.

I've been on medical leave for three semesters now. During those three semesters, I've been diligently going to therapy and taking my meds, and I was also in an intensive program for people with anxiety disorders. I really think it has helped, and I actually have made a lot of what I think might turn into lifelong friends from said anxiety program.

What do you tell a friend who suffers from one or any other of these conditions?
Hang in there. It'll get better eventually as long as you stick with treatment. Really, with any treatment program, what you get out of it is directly proportional to the work you put in. Stay on your meds, unless there are realllllyyyy bad side effects, in which case you should still stay on them until your next appointment with your psychiatrist, when you can discuss switching. It does take awhile for most meds to really take effect, so be patient. In fact, be patient with everything, because change doesn't happen overnight. A combination of meds and therapy are the best way to go, so don't cop out by only doing one of those.

Also, do your research. Find out what forms of therapy are generally the most effective at treating your condition. For depression, CBT is usually a good route to go. For anxiety, CBT is also good, especially when you do ERP in addition (if you're anxious about specific types of things, that is.) Borderline Personality Disorder used to be thought to be difficult to treat, but it's not as bad as previously thought-- studies have shown that Dialectical Behavior Therapy in addition to meds is the best way to treat it. Etc, Etc. Don't be afraid to ask questions, and don't be afraid to switch care providers if it seems like they don't know what they're doing.

And don't forget to reach out to people! People are usually more supportive than you think they'll be... and if they're not, screw them! They suck anyway! But definitely surround yourself with the people you love, and do at least one thing for yourself every day. It sounds corny, but it definitely helps :) That said, I'm a reach-out-able person if you really need to talk to someone on the outside of everything that's going on!

 

[junior]

What people don't understand is there is a HUGE difference between being depressed and being sad. When you're sad, you look sad. When you're depressed, you look happy.

I've gone through depression on multiple occasions in my life, and it's really tough. Just be aware that there will be lapses even as you get better, but they get much easier to cope with I promise.

I have a really soft spot for cutters because I love someone who cuts, and as I said, I went through multiple depression phases in my life as well and it went to the point that I had consistent nightmares about suicide.

It's hard talking to people when you're depressed, because it just feels like you against the world and nobody understands and you're all alone. It's tough to open up but things are so much easier when you find people who accept you no matter what you may do or what you may suffer from, but of course that is a MASSIVE leap in itself and I totally empathise with that. It definitely makes things easier though.

Right now, I cope with my depression by just dreaming about the world out there. Sydney doesn’t hold nice memories for me, and it’s my dream one day to live life on the road with nothing holding me back. Or if not, at least move myself to a more rural/remote area and start over.

Before, I used to indulge myself in books and music and blogging, and honestly there is nothing better than crying yourself to sleep. I always get a good nights rest crying before sleeping.

One day I think you will realise that life is beautiful and there’s so much to live for. So much to do, so much to explore. There’s a whole world out there. Find yourself, dream, inspire yourself, find your inspirations, work on yourself to become the best possible you for the people around you and for you.

Also, just know that there are good people out there who love you no matter your appearance, past, scars or no scars. You have a purpose in this world, and as tough it is to believe this, "it gets better". It sounds so cliché, but its true once you find yourself and find your place in this world.

In the meantime, just keep trudging on, darling. You’ve made it to another day, your story isn’t over. It won’t be over until you’re better and until you’ve lived a long and fulfilled life. Fuck the haters. Fuck the people who never believed in you. Believe in yourself!

And just to share a song, Marina & The Diamonds’ Teen Idle really brings me back to the days where I felt so alone (although she wasn’t an artist I’d listen to back then), particularly these lines

"Adolescence didn't make sense
A little loss of innocence
The ugly years of being a fool
Ain't youth meant to be beautiful?"

pretty much cried as I was typing all this lol :/

 

[ryan]

I think it's great that this thread was made. Just thought I'd throw that out there before posting.

It's already been mentioned that as a society, we often stigmatize mental illness. It's something that a lot of people don't feel comfortable talking about, and for many, it's just a huge gray area unless they have experienced it, either themselves or through those they know. I remember in high school, we got a new counselor (our old one retired after 500 years of working there--barely exaggerating here, this man was old). She was really focused on trying to bring light to this topic. I feel like the earlier we educate people about these issues, the better. Mental illnesses are a harsh reality that are easier to handle if we face them early on.

Looking back at my years of being in high school, now that I've been out of it for a couple of years, I can honestly say that I feel I struggled with mental illness. The issue here is that my family never had the means to help me seek help, so I couldn't tell you if I has depression, manic depressive disorder, OCD, what have you. I do know that I went through hell. I came out when I was a freshman in high school. I was 14. I had a lot of issues at home with my family. I had friends who were constantly relying on me for help while I was trying to help myself. For all of these reasons, I was constantly distracted and in a constant state of "when will this be over?" I contemplated suicide, but I (thankfully) never went through with it. And I self-harmed for upwards of seven years, whether I was hitting myself, cutting myself, burning myself, whatever. I was always looking for some kind of reprieve, and at the time, I felt like self-harm was the easiest way to find this. Typically, if I wasn't harming myself, I was drinking (which I guess you can kind of lump with self-harming).

As for how I got over all of this, one of the biggest things that helped me out was moving away from my hometown. I had nothing but bad memories there, and I had made a name for myself as sort of a stuck-up kid who always had to be right. To be fair, I kind of did act that way, but it wasn't how I wanted to be known. Moving out and getting a chance at a fresh start really helped me more than words can describe. Another thing that helped me out was surrounding myself with positive people. A lot of my friends in school were friends out of convenience; we didn't actually like each other all that much, but in a town with less than 15,000 people, your options are fairly limited. Once I started hanging around a better crowd, I started feeling better about myself as well. Probably the most important thing though was realizing that I was meant to do so much more than what high school allows someone to do. I realized that I could leave an impact on the world, and the only thing really stopping me from doing that was myself. Once I accepted that to be true, I accepted myself as the way I am as well.

The best advice I could give anyone struggling with a mental illness or just outright feeling bad is to allow yourself to be you without worrying how other people feel about you. Focus on bettering yourself before you worry about other things in your life. Whatever else might be going on can wait. Have some sort of aspirations or goals. There's nothing that feels better than progress. And don't just think that time heals all wounds because to me, that's just not the case. Pretty much any time I opened up to someone and looked to him/her for help, the response I got was always that it will all get better in time. I feel like proactively bettering yourself is always going to be superior to waiting for the pain to subside. Find out what it is in your life that is making you feel bad. Once you have pinpointed this, work to change it. If you feel like it's something you can't change, keep trying to find a way. At least this way you are occupying your time to try and help yourself rather than feeling bad about yourself. And if you are unable to do this, try and find help. Talk to someone you trust. Open up. The more you talk about the things that are bothering you, the less they will bother you. If you feel like there is no one you can talk to, find some way to express your thoughts. For me, a lot of the time, this was through writing. For a lot of people, it can mean different things. Find something you love to do, and do it.

Anyways, all of the rambling aside, I just thought I would share this. I stopped self-harming altogether almost three years ago. I used to know the date, but I don't even remember anymore; that's how long it's been. It's a really great feeling actually. I remember trying to quit, and I would remember how many days it had been since I last self-harmed. And then days turned into weeks, into months, and now, into years. Whatever the day it was when it had been exactly a year since I last self-harmed, I got this tattooed on my wrist where I used to cut myself. It's in my own handwriting. It's sort of just my way of expressing that something that once held me back so much in my life is now a thing in the past. I've grown so much from my past, and now I can openly and freely talk about it. Most importantly, I can always look back and smile for overcoming such a huge obstacle in my life.

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[DM]

dm, you have had more life experience than me, but i wonder if that particular way of phrasing things isn't slightly pessimistic -- i am the type to smash his head through a brick wall, so it is possible that i am simply thinking i could do things that are not possible, but i wonder if i would ever feel comfortable stopping. everything is a decision, everything is some result of an arpeggio or a mental movement, even if genes for depression/addiction are in some way hard-wired ---- it frustrates me to consider anyone too far gone.

I apologize if I came off as a debbie downer, but I guess with a subject such as this, there is an inherent helplessness that comes with it. I suppose I am a bit jaded from my experiences, so I shouldn't vocalize it to others who face such difficulties.