Hey, I want to get something off my chest. I never thought much about my sexuality as it was just not something that came to my mind very much. However, since the past few months I have been questioning it more frequently. To be honest, some of the thoughts I had recently have been a hot mess that doesn't make any sense. Not to me, anyway, probably because I'm not all too familiar with the LGBT community. I'm a cis-guy, and totally fine with that identity btw. I'm completely fine on the gender front, so this post isn't really about that, which I think is relevant to establish.
The tea is that I think I'm asexual, maybe...
I do experience some sexual attraction to other people (both men and woman, but in different kind of ways), but I'm really uncomfortable with the thought of having sex myself. I have never had a crush on someone before, and my feelings towards other people never go beyond: "that person is hot". That said, I do think I might not be aromantic. The idea of having a romantic relationship sounds pretty nice to me, it's just the body contact and sex part that turns me away. Like, my libido is just none-existant.
Because of all that, I feel like I'm in this weird limbo where it's impossible for me to truly find out my sexuality. I don't put any effort into getting into a relationship, even just to try it, because of my lack of a sexdrive (being a major introvert doesn't help). But then, I'll never know whether I like or dislike being in a relationship because I've never tried it. I have this feeling of having to try out having sex to know for sure if I really don't like it. But not having that drive is kind of the point of being ace, isn't it? What if I really haven't FoUnD ThE RIghT PeRsON? Are there other asexual or questioning people who feel something similar?
When I try to put a label on myself, there are two possibilties, neither of which really make sense to me. The first is that I'm a bisexual heteroromantic, who likes looking at others but doesn't actually want to have sex with them myself. Is this even a thing? Like, do you have to have some sort of personal sexual drive in order to be hetero-, homo- or bisexual, or does a lack of that drive automatically make you asexual? The second option is asexual heteroromantic, but with a bit of bisexual energy, I guess. I feel like ace heteroromantic doesn't really work for me either since it seemingly leaves out my physical attraction to men. Come to think of it, my attraction to men is almost like a sort of fetish. I enjoy the sight of the male body and all that, but I am really uncomfortable with the thought of being in a relationship with another man, even if it's just romantic.
So yeah, make it make sense, because it doesn't make sense to me. It's like the more I dwell on it, the further I get from knowing the answer to my sexuality mystery. Maybe I really just need some extra time to sort through my thoughts. Sorry for the ramble, but also thanks for reading.