Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

as a teenager, i had the symptoms of an oncoming heart attack so i asked my mom to drive me to a hospital. she simply didn't feel like it, so i called emergency services and took an ambulance. i was treated and discharged without anybody in my family visiting and when i called to ask my mom for a ride home she was upset that i went to the hospital and refused to get me. i walked several miles home and was scolded upon return. i accrued thousands of dollars of preventable debt and saved my own life, but for what? i didn't have much of a life to save.
 
emptywisdom said:
as a teenager, i had the symptoms of an oncoming heart attack so i asked my mom to drive me to a hospital. she simply didn't feel like it, so i called emergency services and took an ambulance. i was treated and discharged without anybody in my family visiting and when i called to ask my mom for a ride home she was upset that i went to the hospital and refused to get me. i walked several miles home and was scolded upon return. i accrued thousands of dollars of preventable debt and saved my own life, but for what? i didn't have much of a life to save.
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real Q, was it an actual heart attack oncoming or just anxiety symptoms? exact thing has happened to me in the past, my anxiety response is chest pain and various other (perceived) heart attack symptoms. By all accounts a young person experiencing those symptoms is not actually at risk of a heart attack. (either way sorry ur family responded like that)
 
NDK said:
So this will be a large vent of many of my problems so here goes nothing:
Its Been over 3 years since I've started really posting on Smogon, and it has been a wild ride. I don't think I have done much on Smogon. Yes, I did do some small stuff here and there, but I have never really done anything that I consider big on Smogon. I want to achieve more, I want to have a bunch of badges to show off my hard work. But I am extremely lazy, and as a result I don't do that much, whether that be in both real life and in Smogon. Laddering, Preparing for tours, Writing Analyses/Spotlights takes a lot of energy, which I don't always have, so sometimes I reuse teams, or procrastinate on assignments. Part of this is because I feel like I am extremely lazy. Because of these things, I feel a great discontent with myself, as I don't believe in my own abilities. In addition to this, I am also extremely shy, and as a result I don't usually reach out to others first. I instead wait for someone to reach out to me instead. I think this is partly due to my neurodiversity, as I double and triple check to make sure I am not breaking some sort of unspoken rule. I find myself envying those that are in friend groups, and who have a lot of friends, and who have a lot of badges on Smogon. Obviously I am thinking a little too much about pixels on a Pokemon forum, but I just want to make friends, and I feel like I have a lot of trouble doing that. I also feel like I push people away sometimes, as my cold demeanor and not always being available might drive some people away
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i'm quite late to this but hope it's still valuable. bearing in mind that i'm no professional, a lot of what you post here echoes my experience with depression. lack of energy, lethargy, and being self-critical of these feelings can create a spiral that grows and expands to other facets of your life.

i'm a huge advocate for therapy but recognize that it is not necessarily easily accessible and that it has its limitations. what i would recommend to anyone in your position if you're open to advice is focusing on your physical wellness. eat healthy, unprocessed foods that nourish you. get adequate, consistent rest. practice some form of exercise each day, even if it's a 15 minute walk outdoors. particularly if you struggle with overweight or obesity, it's critical to move your body, and the intensity of that movement does not need to be substantial in order for it to be impactful. none of this will fix all of the things that you don't like about yourself or your life, but it will give you more energy and help put you in a better position to tackle everything else.

i won't steer you away from contributing here and trying to earn badges; doing so was very important to me at one time and brought me a lot of joy. just don't use it as an escapism to avoid the very real problems that are detracting from your wellness.

good luck friend
 
And here I am again. Despite everything, I'm facing a new spike in difficulty with my mental health. Following several issues with anxiety recently, I was given an increased treatment of sertralin. And since this change, I've been facing a constant anxiety, tiredness, and feeling of interior emptiness. I was assured by my psychiatrist that this is due to the treatment, and it's only temporary, yet this is terribly difficult to support. Especially given that, I'm basically forced to rest, yet I have so much duties to do with my studies, and it makes me feel extremely guilty of being lazy.
 
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Eledyr said:
And here I am again. Despite everything, I'm facing a new spike in difficulty with my mental health. Following several issues with anxiety recently, I was given an increased treatment of sertralin. And since this change, I've been facing a constant anxiety, tiredness, and feeling of interior emptiness. I was assured by my psychiatrist that this is due to the treatment, and it's only temporary, yet this is terribly difficult to support. Especially given that, I'm basically forced to rest, yet I have so much duties to do with my studies, and it makes me feel extremely guilty of being lazy.
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have you tried melatonin?

I take 5mg sometimes before I go to bed when I am stressed and struggle with sleeping. It usually doesn't do much but it helps a lot to calm my sleep and to keep it deep throughout the night when I feel anxious. And when I am able to rest well, I do much better with my anxiety

I hope you adjust soon. I struggled with ssri uptakes and reductions a lot too, the anxiety from that is wild
 
Anybody else have stomach issues?

(TW kinda gross)

I get stomach pain and sick and sometimes really bad diarrhea from my anxiety. I can deal with pain well usually but I freak out when it's something from my stomach, like I think I will die when I have pain there or get unconscious on the toilet and get bad panic attacks which makes a nasty cycle. I will go to my doctor and ask if I could have IBS

Anybody have ways to cope? I try to distract myself when I have these issues but it's though
 
Local Dog said:
Anybody else have stomach issues?

(TW kinda gross)

I get stomach pain and sick and sometimes really bad diarrhea from my anxiety. I can deal with pain well usually but I freak out when it's something from my stomach, like I think I will die when I have pain there or get unconscious on the toilet and get bad panic attacks which makes a nasty cycle. I will go to my doctor and ask if I could have IBS

Anybody have ways to cope? I try to distract myself when I have these issues but it's though
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How's your general health in terms of what you eat, how much you sleep and work out per week? Anything within your reach that you can slightly adjust and monitor how it affects you over time?


As for me, yeah I'm usually upset because of the consequences of life and what it presents to me, but I just do different things to get my mind off of it as I build for a better tomorrow. Eat healthy with local grocery items, exercise every other day, plan for my future weeks of game (on an entertainment break), keep trying to build future income with jobs, tutorials and other content.

I control my perspective now. The suffering doesn't stop but I simply redirect to something else or choose to suffer. But it's under my terms.
 
I never really wanted to admit this

But i may have a problem with alcohol.

A couple days ago in school, all i was thinking of for a while was beer. I wanted that feeling of comfort that day i guess. I think its probably something stress related. I havent been doing as well in school as last semester, and im just unhappy with my grades in general. SAT prep and summer camp arent helping me as well. Im not sure what to do right now honestly
 
PKMNSyndicate said:
How's your general health in terms of what you eat, how much you sleep and work out per week? Anything within your reach that you can slightly adjust and monitor how it affects you over time?
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my general, physical health is excellent. Blood pressure of 115/75 with a resting pulse of 55, blood work is wonderful, hormones look good, around 3 hours of strength and 1.5-2 hours of cardio per week with 10k steps daily, no highly processed foods, no tobacco, no alcohol... My biggest issue would be sleep, I don't get a lot of that. Beyond that, I have some premature ventricular contractions, but I am on a low dose of beta blockers and didn't have heartracing once since a started taking them. Will have a 24 ECG in May to clear up where it comes from, my MRI, ultrasound, etc were all alright

I don't know, I guess it's just how my stomach and brain work together? I get heartburn from stress and anxiety too. But it's getting better. When my stomach acts up, I go to the toilet with my phone and I calm myself with that if something happens, I have immediate access to an ambulance with my phone. And I learnt that it usually gets much better after drinking some hot water

That's a really good mindset you have. I try to do the same
 
mcribs said:
I never really wanted to admit this

But i may have a problem with alcohol.

A couple days ago in school, all i was thinking of for a while was beer. I wanted that feeling of comfort that day i guess. I think its probably something stress related. I havent been doing as well in school as last semester, and im just unhappy with my grades in general. SAT prep and summer camp arent helping me as well. Im not sure what to do right now honestly
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Honestly it's great that you realize that at age 16. I've met people who only realized their issues in the 30s, 40s, 50s, when their bodies were already messed up and the dependency went very deep

Are there resources that can help you? Anonymous alcoholics, support institutions, therapy? I didn't have issues with substances myself but I did some social work in an asylum and the people there with addictions reported very very positively about these places
 
Kitty died earlier and I feel really sad
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It's so hard to stay motivated through my last 3 weeks of high school, I've been constantly drained and exhausted, I'm falling asleep in most of my classes, which is abnormal for me, and my grades are slipping, I've never had anything below a B before, now I have an F, D and 2 C's.. senioritis is real and kicking my butt, I hate it so much, I'm missing almost half of all my assignments this quarter in two of my classes and I just don't have the motivation to do any of it.
 
NDK said:
So this will be a large vent of many of my problems so here goes nothing:
Its Been over 3 years since I've started really posting on Smogon, and it has been a wild ride. I don't think I have done much on Smogon. Yes, I did do some small stuff here and there, but I have never really done anything that I consider big on Smogon. I want to achieve more, I want to have a bunch of badges to show off my hard work. But I am extremely lazy, and as a result I don't do that much, whether that be in both real life and in Smogon. Laddering, Preparing for tours, Writing Analyses/Spotlights takes a lot of energy, which I don't always have, so sometimes I reuse teams, or procrastinate on assignments. Part of this is because I feel like I am extremely lazy. Because of these things, I feel a great discontent with myself, as I don't believe in my own abilities. In addition to this, I am also extremely shy, and as a result I don't usually reach out to others first. I instead wait for someone to reach out to me instead. I think this is partly due to my neurodiversity, as I double and triple check to make sure I am not breaking some sort of unspoken rule. I find myself envying those that are in friend groups, and who have a lot of friends, and who have a lot of badges on Smogon. Obviously I am thinking a little too much about pixels on a Pokemon forum, but I just want to make friends, and I feel like I have a lot of trouble doing that. I also feel like I push people away sometimes, as my cold demeanor and not always being available might drive some people away
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About the wanting friends to reach out to me, literally me
 
I got the final confirmation today that my heart is good :blobthumbsup:

I had something that felt very very similar to a heart attack in November and when I was brought to the hospital by the EMS, my blood work was indicative of something going on. Had some heart palpitations, trouble breathing, some kind of attacks that felt like heart attacks and passed out couple of times since. But my MRI was clean, my 24 hour ECG was perfect, my load ECG was perfect (the doc said that my heart looks several years younger than it is) and it seems like my conditions are a mix of upper back and spinal issues combined with anxiety and some stomach issues (probably IBS but I have to get that checked out). My heightened Troponin was most likely just a result of physical exercise and heart racing from a panic attack, it's also perfectly fine now

Had me tweaking for the last couple of months, spent too much time at the doctor's and at the hospital. I'll probably get some physical therapy for my back and meditation seems to help quite well with my stomach
 
sorry this is super disorganized and not in my normal forum cadence

i stopped taking care of myself a few months ago i think, definitely had some physical health things (dw i will be 100% ok and am almost there already) and personal stuff i could have resolved and instead ignored until they became an actual issue. i am like a fully fledged adult at this point, too, so i know this is bad and i know people see how much i do on here, so they are probably questioning what is wrong with me. and yea, i get it. i feel bad and am kind of furious at myself, but not even so much for/at myself as i am the people i failed to get to this point. probably should be me first, but not sure i am there yet. my goal is to get there as this year goes on, so that's a step at least.

it's really tough because i am surrounded by amazing people who i care about and love so much -- i never, EVER would want to let them down, but sometimes i cannot get out of my own fucking way when it comes to failing them or doing right by myself. i think i had a bit of a reckoning recently -- it came to my attention from someone i am close with pretty suddenly directly to me that i was doing a lackluster job taking care of myself and i was getting too angry/annoyed at things outside of my control. and like i aspire to be an involved family member, caring husband when i get married next year, leader at work (kinda similar to on here i guess, but not entirely the same) professionally, and a generally good, involved person, but sometimes i lose sight of my goals and aspirations for myself, instead deriving self-worth and value out of others or things outside of my control or silly things that should not hold as much weight to me.

it was a really hard time for me to accept this, start making changes, and just admit to my own apathy, but we got there the hard way. i wish i made it easy or i wish i did not even force the confrontation to begin with, but yea, i am better for it than continuing a decline into who knows what. i have not had this happen since 2020 when i fell into a really awful position after IRL shit went up in flames --> COVID -- i am sure some of you know about how miserable a person i was back then or have read my old post from 2019/2020 in this same thread, but this spiral is entirely self-manufactured and i got nobody to blame or work to be better for than myself it seems.

in the end, i am one of the most fortunate people out there with everything i have going for me and the people i surround myself with. i know i complain a ton on here and not just about pokemon, but sports and irl happenings and other dumb shit. i really am one of the luckiest people though and am a bit worried i exhausted some good graces from people though. i guess the i just need to do a better job taking care of myself for me so that they do not have to worry about me, but at the same time deriving it back to them feels like it defeats the whole point, so i am working on rewiring my own thinking to just focus on me and letting everything/everyone else just fit into place from there.

thankfully, i do deep down think all will be ok in some time and i do think i will get better with my own view of myself, my own habits, and my own ability to evaluate things as an individual, but it has been really exhausting the last week or two just confronting some of the mental blocks i have set on my own accord. undoing bad habits is not easy, nor fun, but it is definitely for the best and will hopefully teach me how to avoid these habits next time around.

it feels nice to just talk about it as i have begun to open up a lot more to people close to me and now some of my coworkers, people on here, and even this thread now. hopefully in a month or two i am in a better spot. i am not sure i am even too unhappy, which tbh is great as being happy is the whole point after all, as things stand, but i am now more hungry to break through the inertia and apathy to get myself in a better spot. just need to do so for myself and not others, then i will be even better off.
 
Hello Smogon,

I didn't think I'd ever feel like opening up/venting publicly but I felt like creating a post for myself to look back on in a few months or years time to see how things in my life have changed (hopefully for the better). I don't expect anyone to read too deeply into this post but apologies if my writing is all over the place if you do decide to read everything. Trigger Warning: I will be mentioning bad family relationships, domestic abuse and honor abuse as well as suicidal thoughts in some of these spoilers.

I'll begin by saying I finally got a part time job at a popular retailer in the UK in May 2022 when I was still in university. I was severely struggling to keep on top of my studies and pass my courses let alone achieve good grades and I ended up studying 1st and 2nd year of my Bachelors degree twice instead of progressing through each year naturally. I threw myself into work because I at the time enjoyed it and it was a good distraction from the stress and anxiety I was experiencing.

September 2022 arrives and my 2nd year uni grades were well below the passing grade. As a result I couldn't progress onto third year and was excluded from further study. This of course brought great despair upon me after working what felt like the hardest I could during high school to primarily please my parents and to hopefully set myself up for a good career and happy life. I wasn't sure what to do so I just put on a brave expression and bottled up my worries, telling myself I would be okay and things would work out in the end.

Jumping back in time to explain the source of my pain, my parents knew I was struggling during the end of my first attempt of 1st year back in 2019. Rather than supporting me, they instead beat me, threatened me, and intimidated me stating they would destroy my property, kick me out of my home, and disown me if I were to not progress onto second year. This is when I first developed negative thoughts about wanting to end my life. When exams arrived that year I ended up failing them and did not meet the minimum requirements to progress however, I barely met the requirements to resit the year.

And so I accepted my fate and hid the truth from my parents out of fear. I managed to improve my grades significantly and progressed to 2nd year in September 2020. My first attempt of 2nd year (my third year overall at university) felt really difficult since this was during the global pandemic and subsequently I didn't progress into 3rd year. I spoke to my advisor of studies and the director of progression and they both permitted me to attempt second year again because of the pandemic and giving them a brief description of my family trauma. And the events following this were mentioned in the above spoiler. In order to keep myself and my precious belongings safe, I pretending that I was progressing through each year with no problems to my parents.

Between May 2022 and November 2023 I weirdly felt like I could enjoy life now that I wasn't studying at university. I didn't want to and I wasn't ready to tell my parents the truth so I lied even further and pretended I was studying for a Masters degree digging myself into a deeper pit of guilt.

All things come to an end and by now the cat was out of the bag. After hiding the truth for so long my parents were expecting me to graduate and that is not something I could fake. As I expected, they blew up at me and my Dad severely beat me. I don't particularly want to record nor recall all the details of what happened but following that scaring experience, my parents refused to acknowledge me when they eventually calmed down.

I felt the lowest I had ever felt before. I felt like my life was over and wanted to end it all. I thankfully found the courage to keep going though. My Mum forgave me first and said she would do her best to be a good mother to me meanwhile my Dad never changed. He blamed my part time job and hobbies for causing me to fail but he never saw it was actually the pressure from him I have been experiencing ever since high school.

Thankfully my dad eventually returned to speaking terms with me but he gave me an ultimatum, I now had to find a way to continue my studies or find a good paying full time job otherwise I truly would be on my own. I just the former and attempted to study a degree with the Open University. The course was going okay but I started to feel the stress of studying again and began to struggle to keep om top of my work.

My Dad was not happy with how slow I was making progress with my studies so last month he blew up again at me again making terrifying threats. He even went as far to say things such as "If you can't get a real job and are not making good contributions to society, you might as well kill yourself". While he did not beat me this time, the threats and his words were so bad I became fearful to return home everyday after work. I consulted with friends to try to help me remain calm as I was dreading stepping into my home.

My Dad now is still reluctant to talk to me after blowing up again although he isn't completely mute around me. I am still too scared to directly speak to him but I do know he now wants me to have a deep think about what I should be doing with my life. My mum has tried to help me a little by suggesting I should focus on getting into shape as well as looking into aviation jobs or trying to follow a passion that isn't related to my hobbies.

So when I look back on this in a few months or years time, I hope things will have improved. Maybe I will be on a pilot training course or somehow have found a path into a teaching career like I dreamed of when I was younger.

If you have read this entire post, thank you for allowing me to vent about my life. I always feel like I've missed important details to me when I fully explain the mental trauma I've experienced so I'll probably edit this post in future.

If you are a friend of mine and want to check in with me or talk about any of the trauma I've experienced, feel free to! My dms are always open on Discord.

I hope you have a good day/evening and thanks again for allowing me to vent here.
 
Finchinator said:
sorry this is super disorganized and not in my normal forum cadence

i stopped taking care of myself a few months ago i think, definitely had some physical health things (dw i will be 100% ok and am almost there already) and personal stuff i could have resolved and instead ignored until they became an actual issue. i am like a fully fledged adult at this point, too, so i know this is bad and i know people see how much i do on here, so they are probably questioning what is wrong with me. and yea, i get it. i feel bad and am kind of furious at myself, but not even so much for/at myself as i am the people i failed to get to this point. probably should be me first, but not sure i am there yet. my goal is to get there as this year goes on, so that's a step at least.

it's really tough because i am surrounded by amazing people who i care about and love so much -- i never, EVER would want to let them down, but sometimes i cannot get out of my own fucking way when it comes to failing them or doing right by myself. i think i had a bit of a reckoning recently -- it came to my attention from someone i am close with pretty suddenly directly to me that i was doing a lackluster job taking care of myself and i was getting too angry/annoyed at things outside of my control. and like i aspire to be an involved family member, caring husband when i get married next year, leader at work (kinda similar to on here i guess, but not entirely the same) professionally, and a generally good, involved person, but sometimes i lose sight of my goals and aspirations for myself, instead deriving self-worth and value out of others or things outside of my control or silly things that should not hold as much weight to me.

it was a really hard time for me to accept this, start making changes, and just admit to my own apathy, but we got there the hard way. i wish i made it easy or i wish i did not even force the confrontation to begin with, but yea, i am better for it than continuing a decline into who knows what. i have not had this happen since 2020 when i fell into a really awful position after IRL shit went up in flames --> COVID -- i am sure some of you know about how miserable a person i was back then or have read my old post from 2019/2020 in this same thread, but this spiral is entirely self-manufactured and i got nobody to blame or work to be better for than myself it seems.

in the end, i am one of the most fortunate people out there with everything i have going for me and the people i surround myself with. i know i complain a ton on here and not just about pokemon, but sports and irl happenings and other dumb shit. i really am one of the luckiest people though and am a bit worried i exhausted some good graces from people though. i guess the i just need to do a better job taking care of myself for me so that they do not have to worry about me, but at the same time deriving it back to them feels like it defeats the whole point, so i am working on rewiring my own thinking to just focus on me and letting everything/everyone else just fit into place from there.

thankfully, i do deep down think all will be ok in some time and i do think i will get better with my own view of myself, my own habits, and my own ability to evaluate things as an individual, but it has been really exhausting the last week or two just confronting some of the mental blocks i have set on my own accord. undoing bad habits is not easy, nor fun, but it is definitely for the best and will hopefully teach me how to avoid these habits next time around.

it feels nice to just talk about it as i have begun to open up a lot more to people close to me and now some of my coworkers, people on here, and even this thread now. hopefully in a month or two i am in a better spot. i am not sure i am even too unhappy, which tbh is great as being happy is the whole point after all, as things stand, but i am now more hungry to break through the inertia and apathy to get myself in a better spot. just need to do so for myself and not others, then i will be even better off.
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Sounds like you constantly work hard and give your all. Maybe take a little time for yourself here and there to help refresh? Something that helps me is to remind myself of how much I have to be thankful for in thought/prayer. We love you Finch.
 
had a date on thursday and I think one of the reasons why I struggle to navigate social situations is that I feel like I have to understand several cultures and societies in a way

like I offer to pay for the first date, I offer to walk girls home and I usually bring some little thing with me (usually baked goods I made the day before). That's usually received positively and gentlemanly but the girl I was on a date with was very far left. That's fine by me, I am too, but she seemed kinda rejective about me wanting to pay the bill and felt uncomfortable with me gifting her brownies. Which, okay, I get that it can be much, but I genuinely don't know where it ends to be gentlemanly, cause it differs from person to person and the community that the person belongs to

I went on dates with exchange students from far away countries and very different cultures and it was honestly easier because I understood that there was a cultural difference that I could talk about with the girl. The girl I went on a date with, we grew up in the same country, in essentially the same culture, but I never really dipped into very political communities IRL and whilst she studied social sciences, I studied economics. It made for a genuine divide that I could understand somewhat but idk

I feel really guilty when I make people uncomfortable but I genuinely think it's kinda impossible to have people always under all circumstances comfortable. I can be genuine, well-intentioned and try to be as considerate as I can be, but I guess that some natures just can have friction and again, I can listen as much as I can and still find struggles in some social situations
 
My mental health has taken a nose dive in the last year, and playing Pokemon games is my personal escape from the other issues.

The big issue though has been Gaza, a humanitarian issue where I have physically taken on local government and councils and am doing so as part of a wider group of like minded citizens, to the extent where I’ve been asked by my MP on several occasions now to provide evidence towards her participation in select committees and urgent questions.

But the truth of the matter is that the more I see of what is happening in Gaza, and the West Bank, the more I know that I failed all our future children, collectively, and myself, and the innocent people of Palestine. Because it’s never “enough”.

Back to Colosseum it is, and a few hours of mindlessness exchanged for thoughtfulness.
 
I have a close friend who's working the same job he had when he finished university, a retail one he does not enjoy. He got promoted a couple of years back, then demoted again and for a brief time did charity work for the company, but that stopped. He's living 10 minutes from the house he grew up in. His free time is spent either in the pub or at home playing Xbox. He's never shown any desire to improve his station, even though I know he's not happy. He never wants to talk about anything real, it's always stuff in films/TV show/video games whatever else. When we're playing video games together, if it's not going his way he will always rant about how the game screws him and only him. I've talked to him about learning new skills, doing volunteer work (since he really enjoyed the time his company had him doing charity stuff), maybe even talking to a therapist. He's always said no.

I am really worried about him, but you can't help someone who refuses to be helped.
 
I'm in a mix, weird state right now.

My continuous effort to get to therapy is working well, and I can say without a doubt that I've grown a lot as a human ever since I started it, 4 years ago. I've learned to understand my emotions, to not feel them as a weakness nor something to hid, but something I must connect and accept as they are.

And yet.

And yet, I've been struggling recently with what's possibly the most vicious illness I've been afflicted to for the last couple of years.

I've been in a very stressful environment this year, with a lot of personal and induced pressure in order to succeed in my studies. This led to me generating a generalized anxiety disorder. I've always been on a nervous side, with an anxious personality. But this year, it has reached a level that I've never reached before. This is the reason why I posted recently about my change of medication. However, it appears that the issue is much worse than expected,and the change of medication only barely helped. The anxiety is strong. So much so, it has triggered past illnesses that I had, including a period of depression that lasted for a few weeks, with general feeling of emptiness and suicidal thoughts, and now I'm also struggling with ressurging psychotic symptoms, such as inserted thoughts. These thoughts are often about telling me that people hate me, that I'm a terrible person, and generally things to isolate me. Distinguishing what are my inserted thoughts from my own real feelings can sometimes be difficult for me when I engage conversations with people, and it's a struggle on an everyday basis.

Despite everything, I will NOT forfeit.
My mental health is terrible at the moment, I can't deny that. Yet, I'll do my best.

I wish everyone a good day/night. Take care of yourself, and of the people you love.
 
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WARNING: TRIGGER WARNING / TMI
I want everyone to know that I am doing great. Things have improved drastically since these events. Many believe it is too much information, however, it is mainly memories mixed with experiences I've had leading to the mental breakdown. To those that read this, know that I'm still growing, and I appreciate you for reading this even if you don't know me.
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Hello everyone.
To those that know me, I'm MattC (Banned). To those that don't, I often play VGC and 1v1. I'm decently popular in those communities, and I've been pretty okay playing mons. The one thing I haven't been good with, however, is my mental health.
My journey really starts after I leave the hospital. Apparently, my Mom cried when she realized I wasn’t a girl being born, but not because she hated me. It’s because all of her friends gave birth to daughters, and she wanted one as well. But either way, Mom ran away with me to her godmother’s in Virginia to get away from my Dad. An interesting thing about this is that my Mom had previously given birth to my only older sibling (my older brother) 2 years prior, and he was living with my Grandma on my Mom’s side. I lived in Virginia for 5 years without really knowing my older brother or Dad for those years.
  • The earliest memory I had was getting a haircut at 1.5 years old. I cried so damn much that I fell asleep.
  • Mom and my Godmother had a pet husky named Kiara, Kira, I don’t know. It had tannish yellow fur, and the 1 thing I remember about it was when I was 2, I was outside the house and on the floor. The husky licked my face, and I didn’t understand what that meant. Because of this, I screamed at it, and then it bit my arm out of fear. I ran inside the house crying, my arm was bleeding profusely, and this was the first fear I ever attained.
  • My mother gave birth to my oldest younger sister in 2011. Allegedly, I punched her in the face when she was a few months old.
  • It was in Virginia that I read my first book. It was Curious George. I was 4 years old when this happened.
  • I had a random memory of going on a car ride to Golden Corral. The song playing in the car was “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. My cousins were in the car as well, as was my godmother and siblings. This is the earliest memory I have of my cousins.
  • My Mother gave birth to my third sibling and her fourth child—a girl—in 2013. My Mom now had 2 sons and 2 daughters.
  • Something else that’s interesting is that my Mom had 2 tattoos on her arm. Her left arm was one for her first son, and my older brother. It had his name with a heart that had a knife stabbed through it. Cool tat indeed. My tattoo was a tiger—nothing too crazy, but I think it’s kinda funny that this is the case.
  • I have images in my memory of Yo Gabba Gabba!, Pocoyo, and The Backyardigans. These were the shows baby me grew up with.
Some time in 2014, I moved back to Framingham. While I was in Framingham, everything was amazing. My family was happy, we had money, we had fun. We could actually do things. This was when I developed some really bad habits stemming from being spoiled and not really having responsibilities. But it was during this time that I had a lot more moments and memories that meant something, specifically during school.
  • When I was 5, I couldn’t solve 1 + 1. But I could solve a word problem that equaled 24 +14.
  • I was a little more needy than most of the other kids, so I had an IEP. This meant I got double food portions at breakfast/lunch, and I had therapy over at Wayside.
  • From Kindergarten to 2nd Grade, I had 1 friend that was there throughout it all. A short, bald Black kid who was honestly pretty damn funny. We did everything at school together, and even had this lunch period… thing. Pretty sure it was like something with the teachers and us just talking or whatever.
  • In 2nd Grade, I developed my first crush, and my first genuine love. My crush had a gap in her buck teeth but still had a nice smile, and was really kind to everyone. I didn’t think much of this girl at the time, but later on, I realized how much she meant to me.
  • I had a pretty expansive friend group. Basically everyone in class was my friend. Everyone loved my company.
  • Sometime in this era, one of my teachers had a baby. She came to school one day with her child, and everyone was so stoked about it. Me, meanwhile, was no longer the center of attention, and I cried about it. I had a long talk with her about this, but it ended up leading to an existing problem I still have of wanting attention.
  • I got into a fight with the only friend I had, and ended up stabbing him with a pencil that pierced his coat, shirt, and went into his skin. This was my first and only encounter with the police.
I also went to an afterschool program called Suburban. It doesn’t exist anymore, but while I was there, I had a lot of fun memories.
  • In 2014, someone showed me something that became one of my passions: Pokemon.
  • I tried swimming, but I ended up almost drowning.
  • There was this weird ass White kid that I bashed upside the head with a large wooden building block because he tried to attack me.
  • I ate a purple Skittle off the floor and threw up after. This would soon become a REALLY bad habit of mine with eating food out of the trash and floor.
  • I watched Sharkboy and Lavagirl with one of the many counselors here. This was the earliest memory I had of a movie.
  • There was this one female staff member that once kissed me on the forehead and rubbed her hand down my arm. I didn’t think much of it, but I’m fairly certain she was a pedophile. Or just really loved people.
  • Someone once made a self portrait of me! It kinda sucked, but I loved it so much.
  • Whenever Mom would pick me up from Suburban, she’d always have me give her a piggyback ride down the stairs. She was 500 pounds, and surprisingly? I actually managed to give her piggyback rides nearly everyday (with her own aid, of course).
As for life at home,
  • I had this cousin that would always do viral dances and shit with me. I was a VERY good dancer at the time. This stopped when my family kinda forced me into dancing, and the nail in the coffin was when I was dancing to “Bet You Can’t Do It Like Me” by iAmDLOW when it gets to the twerking part. Even though I could indeed twerk like a pro (sob emoji), that was the last time I ever danced with passion.
  • One time when my cousins were over at my house, they forced me to kiss my oldest younger sister. I did, and I hated it. They all laughed at me for actually listening to them, despite them pressuring me into doing this.
  • In 2015, Mom gave birth to her 5th child: a boy. I was in the car when he got picked up from the hospital, and everyone thought he was so cute and adorable except for me. Again, center of attention.
  • On one of my younger sisters' birthdays (the 2013 one), I blew out her candles. Everyone called me a dickhead for that, and I don’t know why I did. Maybe I thought she needed help or something. This was one of 2 birthdays I completely ruined for my siblings.
  • My cousins were jumping on the top bunk bed I was under and it fell on me. Shit hurt like a motherfucker and my older brother got blamed for it because he’s the oldest.
  • Me and my older brother didn’t really get beat much, but my siblings did. We told this to DSS (now DCF) and they had a talk with Mom. She got super angry. First time I ever seen her genuinely pissed off.
  • Before I had the bottom bunk, I fell off the top bunk of my bed. Ow.
  • When I was 5 and even today, I fell asleep by praying to God every night that I’d survive. Mind you, I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT THAT GUY. And on top of that, I would… masturbate myself to sleep.
  • Last thing I remember is that I saw Captain America’s Civil War AND Suicide Squad when they came out.
The Framingham era ends in March - May of 2017 where, a little after DSS visited my home, I moved. Mom says it's because Grandma didn’t pay the bills when she had the money, but I think it’s because of DSS. “I would never leave my friends” was the last thing I ever said to them. I miss those rascals so much. Especially my crush and only friend.
Throughout my time in Boston, it was highlighted by me wanting to go back to Framingham. I hated it here so much. Mom moved with my sisters and younger brother to Texas with her boyfriend at the time (who also birthed all 3 of these kids) and some other kid we lived with that was the half-sibling of my sisters and younger brother, because me and my older brother didn’t share their collective father. I actually hated that guy. He was just annoying. My older brother and I, on the other hand, moved with Grandma to her older sister’s house.
  • Now in a new 2nd Grade, I thought everything would be decent. I got jumped Day 1 of 2nd… 2nd Grade.
  • I had 2 friends now. Our names all started with the same letter, and we were all weird. We picked worms out of the ground and kept them as pets for like, 30 minutes. We were super close. Then one of them left to Arizona the following year, and the other separated from me soon after.
  • I was bullied for being the new kid. No one liked me that much. I started questioning my skinny build for a little while, and I was the youngest one there.
  • To cope with this, I frequently went to adults for guidance. They really enjoyed my company, and I picked up the current, adult-geared personality I have today. None of the kids at school really wanted to be my friend so it didn’t matter to me.
  • I developed depression, anxiety, and a lot of other mental stuff while in Boston.
  • My family was operating on government funds and homeless shelters, and things there sucked. No one wanted to be there. We all wanted to go back home to Framingham, but we all knew deep down we wouldn’t.
  • Bullying just got worse 3rd to 5th Grade, and I became super sensitive.
  • My family started getting more physically abusive, and I began flinching when people would get close to me. I wasn’t hit nearly as much as some of my other siblings, but… I still was.
  • Randomly at 9 years old, I decided my career path of game designer, being part of movie/TV shows, or an author. I was always super focused on the future and not the present, so this didn’t bother me at all, but this just made my anxiety worse.
  • My family started going out more, and everytime we did, I’d end up in trouble. I hated my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I hated my younger siblings. They always got me into so much trouble and I just… hated them. Not to mention I was the youngest in my Grade all the time, so I genuinely wanted to hurt my siblings. This is also in part because of strict parenting.
  • Mom started dating someone else, and had a boy in 2018. We called him “Bean”. He was super smart when he was young, but got lead poisoning that permanently fucked up his… everything. He could barely talk, was very violent, and just… hated us. He only got away with his bullshit because his Dad was home to protect him. He never thought he was doing anything wrong.
It was during COVID that I caught a break from all the bullying. No more trauma from people. No more bad things would happen. Everything would get better from here… is what I thought, until I realized home still fucking sucked. We were in one homeless shelter to the next, and everything at home just felt so… terrible.
  • I failed online school in 5th and 6th Grade. I can’t work properly on a computer, even today.
  • I became super bored of a lot of things in life. Everything just felt… dim. Void of like, everything passionate.
  • I had antenna Internet during this time, and was only allowed to watch PBS Kids. Not even Nick Jr or Disney Jr, ONLY PBS Kids. This meant I was watching Arthur, Wild Kratts, WordGirl, and Super Why type shows and thought they were good. A 10 year old shouldn’t be watching this stuff.
  • When we got proper WiFi, I was introduced to the concept of parental locks. Shit sucked. When I found out the code, I tried to watch Cartoon Network and stuff on my own time, but I got caught and beat for it.
  • I would be super hungry all the time and steal food a lot. I ate from garbage bins and shit. I never got sick from it, but I was always so hungry. I soon learned this is because I had a tapeworm in my stomach that I eventually shat out. It was awful.
  • I got in trouble more and more, and was punished by standing in a corner for hours on end. My legs grew sore from the amount of time I spent standing. This was the new punishment, and if it wasn’t enough, your ass got beat.
  • In 2020, I got my first device that I can remember. It was a tablet and I adored it. I became addicted to it. Because of this, it often got taken away from me, which led to me crashing out over having no technology.
When I was 12, I decided that enough was enough. I rebelled against the injustice that was my life, only to realize it didn’t do anything. And things only got worse for school and home life.
  • I became super mentally unstable at school and began losing my temper a lot.
  • Everytime I had friends, I managed to lose them within a week.
  • Everyone hated me yet again, and even with counseling, I couldn’t redeem school relationships.
  • Home got worse, but eventually settled. No one got beat. Instead, they were sent to bed, and I was the ass beating. Just goes to show how much I hate children.
  • As Mom became more relaxed to a tolerable point, I enjoyed myself. Shit wasn’t perfect, but I now understood most of why this was the case. The economy just kinda sucks. Life just kinda sucks also. Sometimes, you can’t do anything about that.
  • Somehow, I managed to get a friend group of about 7 people in 7th and 8th Grade. We had our ups and downs, but we all genuinely cared about each other. I loved these guys.
  • I was introduced to porn at 12, and soon became addicted to it.
  • I graduated 7th and 8th Grade with As and Bs, not the best grades, but I was considered the kid with the most potential in school. I was the smartest kid in 7th Grade, smarter than the 8th Grade, and in 8th Grade this continued.
  • In 9th Grade, I could’ve chosen to be with my friends, but I chose my future instead of my friends… and I went through the worst depression ever. Everything just felt so difficult.
  • I became less and less independent and couldn’t take care of myself properly. My house was always a mess and I didn't help clean it at all.
At this point, I had enough. I genuinely hated everything about my life, and truly planned to kill myself. I was at an afterschool program that was a group of guys that hung out essentially, and I told the people there I was through with life. Everything sucked. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. That’s when an ambulance came to pick me up, and it slowly got better from there for the first time since 2017.
  • I went to 3 programs and I loved each of them. They sucked. But it wasn’t home. Finally, I am now guaranteed improvement and can move on from my stupid home.
10th Grade happens, and everyone's so happy to see me again. I’m happier than ever, and I remember someone from last year that said hi to me. I knew she liked me, but she was fat as fuck, blind, and short. I didn’t want her at all; not my type. But to be fair, my type was literally a porn model, so… I was cooked. I gave her my social and we talked a bit. I made some jokes here and there, and Valentine’s Day happened. She asked to be my Valentine, and I agreed as a joke. But this was my now girlfriend, so I had to either break up with her, or keep her. I chose to keep her. Then she showed me a photo of her, and she was beautiful. Not perfect, but perfect enough to work with. I lowkey wanted to use her for sex, have her be my human flesh light. I didn’t think of women as anything more than annoying sex toys. But then I found out that… they aren’t that. They are more valuable than men, because they are often more beautiful. I thought I was fucking ugly, but my girlfriend said otherwise. And I slowly but surely grew to like her more and more. Now I don’t want her to leave me. As much as I hate to admit it, I love her. I thought I was never going to have anyone in my life, but now, I have someone. And I won’t ever use them. I won’t hurt them. And I’ll help them anyway I can.

But even apart from that, there’s a lot I gotta work on.
  • I fear people
  • I fear leaving people
  • I hate the world and everything in it
  • I want everything to die
  • I have random mood swings and personality shifts
  • People say I’m mentally ill and a murderer in the making
  • I’m addicted to technology and sex
  • I need to find a new career path because gaming isn’t working
  • I hate being alone
  • I don’t feel loved in the world and I want to be loved so badly
  • I want to feel someone’s touch because I haven’t felt care or love in what feels like forever
  • I think to an extreme
  • My humor is fucked
  • My attention span is cooked
  • I’m rude to a lot of people
  • Everytime I touch something, I want it dead
  • I have so many polar opposites to everything
  • And like so much more shit that I gotta redeem and get over
I need help. Fortunately, I got help, and as of now, I'm doing very well at the program I'm at. I'm actually leaving to a more permanent placement that helps focus on my independence tomorrow! Super happy for that. But I will be taking a break from mons for a little while. Hopefully, things will get better in the future, and I'm glad that they did in the first place.
 
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I'm a young man of 26 who's never had a girlfriend, and who's been extremely resistant to ideas such as "working on yourself" for many years, because I thought it's just a nicer term for "selling your soul to the world". Based on childhood experiences I never wanted to build my character, and although I knew i was wrong in the back of my mind, I was way too afraid of ultimately looking like an imbecile if I started "working on myself". I did not want to be just another asset for others just because I'd be rewarded with a beer now and then.

Somewhere around March 2025 it all came to a head, and I think I know what caused all of this, an addiction to misery. Even now, I still get urges to look for ragebait content, argue with people online, and complain about what I don't have. Meanwhile I couldn't socialize well and had poor self-confidence, constant head pressures, and setting objectives just to say I'm not slowly rotting my life away.

I know it's very tempting to write the entire story of my life, but I think I'll leave that for another day. Either way, I decided to slowly open up in real life, and see how it goes. I think it's gonna be okay and I might be much more loved and worthy of love than I thought.

The self-help industry and social media are two of the greatest disasters to happen in the past twenty years. The amount of grifters is through the roof, too much red pill tiktok brainrot, podcast clown shows, politicians hiding behind the bible, 25 year olds speaking for everyone, using premium words to appear smart, and so on. Or one of my personal favourites, hiding behind philosophy to sell you courses (especially Stoicism)
 
I'm Tapu Bulu said:
I'm a young man of 26 who's never had a girlfriend, and who's been extremely resistant to ideas such as "working on yourself" for many years, because I thought it's just a nicer term for "selling your soul to the world". Based on childhood experiences I never wanted to build my character, and although I knew i was wrong in the back of my mind, I was way too afraid of ultimately looking like an imbecile if I started "working on myself". I did not want to be just another asset for others just because I'd be rewarded with a beer now and then.

Somewhere around March 2025 it all came to a head, and I think I know what caused all of this, an addiction to misery. Even now, I still get urges to look for ragebait content, argue with people online, and complain about what I don't have. Meanwhile I couldn't socialize well and had poor self-confidence, constant head pressures, and setting objectives just to say I'm not slowly rotting my life away.

I know it's very tempting to write the entire story of my life, but I think I'll leave that for another day. Either way, I decided to slowly open up in real life, and see how it goes. I think it's gonna be okay and I might be much more loved and worthy of love than I thought.

The self-help industry and social media are two of the greatest disasters to happen in the past twenty years. The amount of grifters is through the roof, too much red pill tiktok brainrot, podcast clown shows, politicians hiding behind the bible, 25 year olds speaking for everyone, using premium words to appear smart, and so on. Or one of my personal favourites, hiding behind philosophy to sell you courses (especially Stoicism)
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As someone who's also had to go through the struggle of separating self-improvement from abnegation, props. It's not easy to get past that and start opening up, and there will come a time that you'll look back on that day, being so glad that you did it.
 
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