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Greenlandic language
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This article is about the Eskimo–Aleut language. For the extinct North Germanic language, see Greenlandic Norse.
Greenlandic
kalaallisut
Native toGreenland, Denmark
EthnicityGreenlandic Inuit
Native speakers
56,200, 88% of ethnic population (2007)[1]
Language family
Eskimo–Aleut
Eskimo
Inuit
Greenlandic
Early forms
Old Greenlandic
Middle Greenlandic
Dialects
Kalaallisut
Tunumiit oraasiat
Inuktun
Writing system
Latin
Scandinavian Braille
Official status
Official language in
Greenland[2]
Recognised minority
language in
Denmark
Regulated byThe Greenland Language Secretariat Oqaasileriffik
Language codes
ISO 639-1kl
ISO 639-2kal
ISO 639-3kal
GlottologNone
kala1399[3]
Idioma groenlandés.png
This article contains IPA phonetic symbols. Without proper rendering support, you may see question marks, boxes, or other symbols instead of Unicode characters. For an introductory guide on IPA symbols, see Help:IPA.
Greenlandic is an Eskimo–Aleut language spoken by about 56,000 Greenlandic Inuit in Greenland. It is closely related to the Inuit languages in Canada such as Inuktitut. The main variety, Kalaallisut or West Greenlandic, has been the official language of the Greenlandic autonomous territory since June 2009; this is a move by the Naalakkersuisut (government of Greenland) to strengthen the language in its competition with the colonial language, Danish. The second variety is Tunumiit oraasiat or East Greenlandic. The Thule Inuit of Greenland, Inuktun or Polar Eskimo, is a recent arrival and a dialect of Inuktitut.
Greenlandic is a polysynthetic language that allows the creation of long words by stringing together roots and suffixes. Its morphosyntactic alignment is ergative, meaning that it treats (i.e. case-marks) the argument ("subject") of an intransitive verb like the object of a transitive verb, but distinctly from the agent ("subject") of a transitive verb.
Nouns are inflected for one of the eight cases and for possession. Verbs are inflected for one of the eight moods and for the number and person of its subject and object. Both nouns and verbs have complex derivational morphology. Basic word order in transitive clauses is subject–object–verb. Subordination of clauses is done by the use of special subordinate moods. A so-called fourth-person category enables switch-reference between main clauses and subordinate clauses with different subjects. Greenlandic is notable for its lack of a system of grammatical tense, as temporal relations are normally expressed through context, through the use of temporal particles such as "yesterday" or "now" or sometimes through the use of derivational suffixes or the combination of affixes with aspectual meanings with the semantic aktionsart of different verbs. However, some linguists have suggested that Greenlandic does mark future tense obligatorily. Another question is whether the language has noun incorporation, or whether the processes that create complex predicates that include nominal roots are derivational in nature.
When adopting new concepts or technologies, Greenlandic usually constructs new words made from Greenlandic roots, but modern Greenlandic has also taken many loans from Danish and English. The language has been written in the Latin script since Danish colonization began in the 1700s. The first orthography was developed by Samuel Kleinschmidt in 1851, but within a hundred years already differed substantially from the spoken language because of a number of sound changes. An extensive orthographic reform undertaken in 1973 that made the script easier to learn resulted in a boost in Greenlandic literacy, which is now among the highest in the world.
Contents
1History
2Classification
3Phonology
3.1Vowels
3.2Consonants
3.3Phonotactics
3.4Prosody
3.5Morphophonology
4Grammar
4.1Syntax
4.1.1Morphosyntactic alignment
4.1.2Word order
4.1.3Coordination and subordination
4.1.4Obviation and switch-reference
4.1.5Indefiniteness construction
4.2Verbs
4.2.1Inflection
4.2.1.1Indicative and interrogative moods
4.2.1.2Imperative and optative moods
4.2.1.3Conditional mood
4.2.1.4Causative mood
4.2.1.5Contemporative mood
4.2.1.6Participial mood
4.2.2Derivation
4.2.3Time reference and aspect
4.2.4Noun incorporation
4.3Nouns
4.3.1Pronouns
4.3.2Case
4.3.3Possession
5Vocabulary
6Orthography
6.1Sample text
7See also
8Notes
9References
10Cited literature
11Further reading
12External links
History
The Greenlandic language was brought to Greenland with the arrival of the Thule people in the 1200s. It is unknown which languages were spoken by the earlier Saqqaq and Dorset cultures in Greenland.
The first descriptions of Greenlandic date from the 1600s, and with the arrival of Danish missionaries in the early 1700s, and the beginning of Danish colonialism in Greenland, the compilation of dictionaries and description of grammar began. The missionary Paul Egede wrote the first Greenlandic dictionary in 1750, and the first grammar in 1760.[4]
Illustration 1: Distribution of Inuit language variants across the Arctic.
From the Danish colonization in the 1700s to the beginning of Greenlandic home rule in 1979, Greenlandic experienced increasing pressure from the Danish language. In the 1950s, Denmark's linguistic policies were directed at strengthening Danish. Of primary significance was that post-primary education and official functions were conducted in Danish.[5]
From 1851 to 1973, Greenlandic was written in a complicated orthography devised by the missionary linguist Samuel Kleinschmidt. In 1973, a new orthography was introduced, intended to bring the written language closer to the spoken standard, which had changed considerably since Kleinschmidt's time. The reform was effective and in the years following it, Greenlandic literacy received a boost.[5]
Another development that strengthened the Greenlandic language has been the policy of "greenlandization" of Greenlandic society which began with the homerule agreement of 1979. This policy has worked to reverse the former trend towards marginalization of the Greenlandic language by making it the official language of education. The fact that Greenlandic has become the only language used in primary schooling has meant that today monolingual Danish-speaking parents in Greenland are raising children bilingual in Danish and Greenlandic.[6] Today Greenlandic has several dedicated news media: the Greenlandic National Radio, Kalaallit Nunaata Radioa, which provides television and radio programming in Greenlandic. The newspaper Sermitsiaq, has been published since 1958, and in 2010 merged with the other newspaper Atuagagdliutit/Grønlandsposten, which was established already in 1861 to form a single large Greenlandic language publishing house.[7][8]
Before June 2009, Greenlandic shared its status as the official language in Greenland with Danish.[note 1] Since then, Greenlandic has become the sole official language.[2] This has made Greenlandic a unique example of an indigenous language of the Americas that is recognized by law as the only official language of a semi-independent country. Nevertheless, it is still considered to be in a "vulnerable" state by the UNESCO Red Book of Language Endangerment.[9] The country has a 100% literacy rate.[10] As the Western Greenlandic standard has become dominant, a UNESCO report has labelled the other dialects as endangered, and measures are now being considered to protect the Eastern Greenlandic dialect.[11]
Classification
Kalaallisut and the other Greenlandic dialects belong to the Eskimo–Aleut family and are closely related to the Inuit languages of Canada and Alaska. Illustration 1 shows the locations of the different Eskimoan languages, among them the three main dialects of Greenlandic.
Example of differences between the 3 main dialects
EnglishKalaallisutInuktunTunumiisut
humansinuitinughuit[12]iivit[13]
The most prominent Greenlandic dialect is West Greenlandic (Kalaallisut), which is the official language of Greenland. The name Kalaallisut is often used as a cover term for all of Greenlandic. The northern dialect, Inuktun (Avanersuarmiutut), spoken in the vicinity of the city of Qaanaaq (Thule), is particularly closely related to Canadian Inuktitut. The eastern dialect (Tunumiit oraasiat), spoken in the vicinity of Ammassalik Island and Ittoqqortoormiit, is the most innovative of the Greenlandic dialects, having assimilated consonant clusters and vowel sequences to a greater extent than West Greenlandic.[14] Kalaallisut is further divided into four subdialects. One that is spoken around Upernavik has certain similarities to East Greenlandic, possibly because of a previous migration from eastern Greenland. A second dialect is spoken in the region of Uummannaq and the Disko Bay. The standard language is based on the central Kalaallisut dialect spoken in Sisimiut in the north, around Nuuk and as far south as Maniitsoq. Southern Kalaallisut is spoken around Narsaq and Qaqortoq in the south.[4] Table 1 shows the differences in the pronunciation of the word for "humans" in the three main dialects. It can be seen that Inuktun is the most conservative, maintaining the "gh" which has been elided in Kalaallisut, and Tunumiisut is the most innovative, having further simplified the structure by eliding the /n/.
Phonology
See also: Inuit phonology
Letters between slashes / / indicate phonemic transcription, letters in square brackets [ ] indicate phonetic transcription and letters in triangular brackets ⟨ ⟩ indicate standard Greenlandic orthography.
Vowels
Ranges of West Greenlandic monophthongs on a vowel chart.[15]
The Greenlandic three vowel system, composed of /i/, /u/, and /a/, is typical for an Eskimo–Aleut language. Double vowels are analyzed as two morae, so they are phonologically a vowel sequence and not a long vowel; they are also written as two vowels in the orthography.[16][17] The only diphthong in the language is /ai/, which occurs only at the ends of words.[18] Before a uvular consonant ([q] or [ʁ]), /i/ is realized allophonically as [e], [ɛ] or [ɐ], and /u/ is realized allophonically as [o] or [ɔ], and the two vowels are written e, o respectively (as in some orthographies used for Quechua and Aymara).[19] /a/ becomes retracted to [ɑ] in the same environment. /i/ is rounded to [y] before labial consonants.[19] /u/ is fronted to [ʉ] between two coronal consonants.[19]
The allophonic lowering of /i/ and /u/ before uvular consonants is shown in the modern orthography by writing /i/ and /u/ as ⟨e⟩ and ⟨o⟩ respectively before uvulars ⟨q⟩ and ⟨r⟩. For example:
/ui/ "husband" pronounced [ui].
/uiqarpuq/ "she has a husband" pronounced [ueqɑʁpɔq] and written ⟨ueqarpoq⟩.
/illu/ "house" pronounced [iɬːu].
/illuqarpuq/ "he has a house" pronounced [iɬːoqɑʁpɔq] and written ⟨illoqarpoq⟩.
Consonants
Greenlandic has consonants at five points of articulation: labial, alveolar, palatal, velar and uvular. It does not have phonemic voicing contrast, but rather distinguishes stops from fricatives. It distinguishes stops, fricatives, and nasals at the labial, alveolar, velar, and uvular points of articulation.[note 2] The earlier palatal sibilant [ʃ] has merged with in all but a few dialects.[20] The labiodental fricative [f] is only contrastive in loanwords. The alveolar stop [t] is pronounced as an affricate [t͡s] before the high front vowel /i/. Often, Danish loanwords containing ⟨b d g⟩ preserve these, although this does not imply a change in pronunciation, for example ⟨baaja⟩ [paːja] "beer" and ⟨Guuti⟩ [kuːtˢi] "God"; these are pronounced exactly as /p t k/.[4]
2. Consonants of Kalaallisut
LabialAlveolarPalatalVelarUvular
Stops/p/ ⟨p⟩/t/ ⟨t⟩/k/ ⟨k⟩/q/ ⟨q⟩
Fricatives/v/ ⟨v⟩[note 3]/s/ ⟨s⟩(/ʃ/)[note 4]/ɣ/ ⟨g⟩/ʁ/ ⟨r⟩
Nasals/m/ ⟨m⟩/n/ ⟨n⟩/ŋ/ ⟨ng⟩/ɴ/ ⟨rn⟩
Liquids/l/ ⟨l⟩ ⁓ [ɬ] ⟨ll⟩/R/ ⟨r⟩
Semivowel/j/ ⟨j⟩/Ø/ ⟨Ø⟩
Phonotactics
The Kalaallisut syllable is simple, allowing syllables of (C)(V)V(C), where C is a consonant and V is a vowel and VV is a double vowel or word-final /ai/.[21] Native words may only begin with a vowel or /p, t, k, q, s, m, n/; they may end only in /p, t, k, q/ or rarely /n/. Consonant clusters only occur over syllable boundaries and their pronunciation is subject to regressive assimilations that convert them into geminates. All non-nasal consonants in a cluster are voiceless.[22]
Prosody
Greenlandic prosody does not include stress as an autonomous category; instead, prosody is determined by tonal and durational parameters.[17] Intonation is influenced by syllable weight: heavy syllables are pronounced in a way that may be perceived as stress. Heavy syllables include syllables with long vowels and syllables before consonant clusters. The last syllable is stressed in words with fewer than four syllables and without long vowels or consonant clusters. The antepenultimate syllable is stressed in words with more than four syllables that are all light. In words with many heavy syllables, syllables with long vowels are considered heavier than syllables before a consonant cluster.[23]
Geminate consonants are pronounced long, almost exactly with the double duration of a single consonant.[24]
Intonation in indicative clauses usually rises on the antepenultimate syllable, falls on the penult and rises on the last syllable. Interrogative intonation rises on the penultimate and falls on the last syllable.[23][25]
Morphophonology
Greenlandic phonology distinguishes itself phonologically from the other Inuit languages by a series of assimilations.
Greenlandic phonology allows clusters, but it does not allow clusters of two different consonants unless the first one is /ʁ/. In all other cases the first consonant in a cluster is assimilated to the second one resulting in a geminate consonant. Geminate /tt/ is pronounced [ts] and written ⟨ts⟩. Geminate /ll/ is pronounced [ɬː]. Geminate /ɣɣ/ is pronounced [çː] but is written ⟨gg⟩. Geminate /ʁʁ/ is pronounced [χː]. Geminate /vv/ is pronounced [fː] and written ⟨ff⟩. /v/ is also pronounced and written [f] after /ʁ/.[26]
These assimilations mean that one of the most recognizable Inuktitut words, iglu ("house"), is illu in Greenlandic, where the /ɡl/ consonant cluster of Inuktitut is assimilated into a voiceless alveolar lateral fricative. And the word Inuktitut itself, when translated into Kalaallisut, becomes Inuttut. The Old Greenlandic diphthong /au/ has assimilated to /aa/.
The consonant /v/ has disappeared when between /u/ and /i/ or /a/. This means that affixes beginning with -va or -vi have forms without [v] when suffixed to stems ending in /u/.
The vowel /i/ of modern Greenlandic is the result of a historic merger of the Proto-Eskimo–Aleut vowels *i and *ɪ. The fourth vowel was still present in Old Greenlandic as attested by Hans Egede.[27] In modern West Greenlandic the difference between the two original vowels can only be discerned morphophonologically in certain environments. The vowel that was originally *ɪ has the variant [a] when preceding another vowel and sometimes disappears before certain suffixes.[28]
The degree to which the assimilation of consonant clusters has taken place is an important dialectal feature separating Polar Eskimo, Inuktun, which still allows some ungeminated consonant clusters, from West and East Greenlandic. East Greenlandic (Tunumiit oraasiat) has shifted some geminate consonants, e.g. [ɬː] to [tː]. Thus, for example, the East Greenlandic name of a particular town is Ittoqqortoormiit, which would appear as Illoqqortoormiut in Kalaallisut.[13][14]
Grammar
A bilingual sign in Nuuk, showing the contrast between Danish and Kalaallisut. The sign translates to "parking forbidden for all vehicles".
The morphology of Greenlandic is highly synthetic and exclusively suffixing,[29] with the exception of a single highly limited and fossilized demonstrative prefix. It creates very long words by means of adding strings of suffixes to a stem.[note 5] In principle there is no limit to the length of a Greenlandic word, but in practice words with more than half a dozen derivational suffixes are not so frequent, and the average number of morphemes per word is 3 to 5.[30][note 6] The language employs around 318 inflectional suffixes and between four and five hundred derivational ones.[31]
There are few compound words, but lots of derivations.[32] The grammar employs a mixture of head and dependent marking: both agent and patient are marked on the predicate and the possessor is marked on nouns, while dependent noun phrases inflect for case. The morphosyntactic alignment of Kalaallisut is ergative.
The language distinguishes four persons (1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th or 3rd reflexive (see Obviation and switch-reference), two numbers (singular and plural; no dual as in Inuktitut), eight moods (indicative, participial, imperative/optative, interrogative, past subjunctive, future subjunctive and habitual subjunctive) and eight cases (absolutive, ergative, equative, instrumental, locative, allative, ablative and prolative). Verbs carry a bipersonal inflection for subject and object. Possessive noun phrases inflect for their possessor, as well as for case.[33]
In this section the examples are written in Greenlandic standard orthography except that morpheme boundaries are indicated by a hyphen.
Syntax
Greenlandic distinguishes three open word classes: nouns, verbs and particles. Verbs inflect for person and number of subject and object as well as for mood. Nouns inflect for possession and for case. Particles do not inflect.[34]
VerbNounParticle
WordOqar-poq "he says"Angut "A man"Naamik "No"
Glosssay-3p/ind[note 7]man.absNo
The verb is the only word required to build a sentence. Since verbs inflect for number and person of both subject and object, the verb is in fact a clause itself. Therefore, clauses where all participants are expressed as free-standing noun phrases are rather rare.[34] The following examples show the possibilities of leaving out these verbal arguments:
Intransitive clause with no subject noun phrase:
Sini-ppoq "(S)he sleeps"
sleep-3p/ind[note 8]
Intransitive clause with subject noun phrase:
Angut sinippoq "the man sleeps"
man.abs sleep-3p/ind
Transitive clause with no overt arguments:
Asa-vaa "(S)he loves him/her/it"
love-3p/3p
Transitive clause with agent noun phrase:
Angut-ip asa-vaa "the man loves him/her/it"
man-erg love-3p/3p
Transitive clause with patient noun phrase:
Arnaq asa-vaa "(S)he loves the woman"
woman.abs love-3p/3p
Morphosyntactic alignment
The Greenlandic language uses case to express grammatical relations between participants in a sentence. Nouns are inflected with one of the two core cases or one of the six oblique cases.[35]
Greenlandic is an ergative language. This means that, instead of treating the grammatical relations as in most European languages where grammatical subjects are marked with nominative case and objects with accusative, the grammatical roles are defined differently. In Greenlandic the ergative case is used for agents of transitive verbs and for possessors. Absolutive case is used for patients of transitive verbs and subjects of intransitive verbs.[36] Research into Greenlandic as used by the younger generation has shown that the use of ergative alignment in Kalaallisut may be becoming obsolete, converting the language into a nominative–accusative language.[37]
Intransitive:
Anda sini-ppoq "Anda sleeps"
Anda.abs sleep-3p/ind
Transitive with agent and object:
Anda-p nanoq taku-aa "Anda sees a bear"
Anda.erg bear-abs see-3p/3p
Word order
In transitive clauses where both object and subject are expressed as free noun phrases, basic, pragmatically neutral word order is AOXV / SXV, where X is a noun phrase in one of the oblique cases. This order is fairly free, though. Topical noun phrases occur at the beginning of a clause whereas new or emphasized information generally come last. This is usually the verb, but it can also be a focal subject or object as well. In spoken language also "afterthought" material or clarifications may follow the verb, usually in a lowered pitch.[38]
On the other hand, the noun phrase is characterized by a rigid order where the head of the phrase precedes any modifiers and the possessor precedes the possessum.[39]
In copula clauses the order is usually Subject-Copula-Complement.
Andap tujuuluk pisiaraa "Anda bought the sweater"
Anda sweater bought
A O V
An attribute appears after its head noun.
Andap tujuuluk tungujortoq pisiaraa "Anda bought the blue sweater"
Anda sweater blue bought
A O X V
An attribute of an incorporated noun appears after the verb:
Anda sanasuuvoq pikkorissoq "Anda is a skilled carpenter"
Anda carpenter.IS skilled
S V APP
Coordination and subordination
Syntactic coordination and subordination is done by combining predicates in the superordinate moods (indicative, interrogative, imperative, optative) with predicates in the subordinate moods (conditional, causative, contemporative and participial). The contemporative has both coordinative and subordinative functions depending on context.[40] The relative order of the main clause and its coordinate or subordinate clauses is relatively free, and mostly subject to pragmatic concerns.[41]
Obviation and switch-reference
The Greenlandic pronominal system includes a distinction known as obviation[42] or switch-reference.[43] There is a special so-called fourth person[44] used to denote a third person subject of a subordinate verb or the possessor of a noun that is coreferent with the third person subject of the matrix clause.[45] Below are examples of the difference between third and fourth person:
illu-a taku-aa "he saw his (the other man's) house"
house-3poss see-3p/3p
illu-ni taku-aa "he saw his own house"
house-4poss see-3p/3p
Ole oqar-poq tillu-kkiga "Ole said I had hit him (the other man)"
Ole say-3p hit-I/3p
Ole oqar-poq tillu-kkini "Ole said I had hit him (Ole)"
Ole say-3p hit-I/4p[note 9]
Eva iser-uni sini-ssaa-q "When Eva comes in she'll sleep"
Eva come.in-4p sleep-expect-3p
Eva iser-pat sini-ssaa-q When Eva comes in (s)he'll sleep (someone else).
Eva come.in-3p sleep-expect-3p
Indefiniteness construction
There is no category of definiteness in Greenlandic, so the information whether participants are already known to the listener or new in the discourse is encoded by other means. According to some authors, morphology related to transitivity such as the use of the construction sometimes called antipassive[46][47] or intransitive object[48] conveys such meaning, along with strategies of noun incorporation of non-topical noun phrases.[49][50] This view, however, is controversial.[51]
Active:
Piitap arfeq takuaa "Peter saw the whale"
Peter-erg whale see
Antipassive/intransitive object:
Piitaq arfermik takuvoq "Peter saw (a) whale"
Peter-abs whale-instr see
Verbs
The morphology of Greenlandic verbs is enormously complex. The two main processes are inflection and derivation. Inflectional morphology includes the processes of obligatory inflection for mood, person, and voice (tense/aspect is not an inflectional category in Kalaallisut).[52][53][54] Derivational morphology modifies the meaning of verbs in a way similar to that expressed by adverbs in English. Derivational suffixes of this kind number in the hundreds. Many of these suffixes are so semantically salient that they are often referred to as postbases rather than suffixes, particularly in the American tradition of Eskimo grammar.[55] Such semantically "heavy" suffixes may express concepts such as "to have", "to be", "to say", or "to think". The Greenlandic verb word consists of a root + derivational suffixes/postbases + inflectional suffixes. Tense and aspect is marked by optional suffixes that appear between the derivational and inflectional suffixes.
Inflection
Greenlandic verbs inflect for agreement with agent and patient, for mood and for voice. There are eight moods, of which four are used in independent clauses and four in subordinate clauses. The four independent moods are: indicative, interrogative, imperative, optative. The four dependent moods are causative, conditional, contemporative, and participial. Verbal roots can take transitive, intransitive or negative inflections, so that all eight mood suffixes have these three forms.[56] The inflectional system is further complicated by the fact that transitive suffixes encode both agent and patient in a single morpheme, requiring up to 48 different suffixes to cover all possible combinations of agent and patient for each of the eight transitive paradigms. As some moods do not have forms for all persons (imperative only has 2nd person, optative only 1st and 3rd person, participial mood has no 4th person and contemporative has no 3rd person), the total number of verbal inflectional suffixes is about 318.[57]
Indicative and interrogative moods
The indicative mood is used in all independent expository clauses. The interrogative mood is used for posing questions. Questions with the question particle immaqa "maybe" cannot use the interrogative mood.[58]
napparsima-vit? "Are you sick?" (interrogative mood)
be.sick-YOU/interr
naamik, napparsima-nngila-nga. "No, I am not sick" (indicative mood)
no, be.sick-neg-I/ind
Table 5 shows the intransitive indicative inflection for patient person and number of the verb neri- "to eat" in the indicative and interrogative moods (question marks mark interrogative intonation—questions have falling intonation on the last syllable as opposed to most Indo-European languages in which questions are marked by rising intonation). The indicative and the interrogative mood each have a transitive and an intransitive inflection, but here only the intransitive inflection is given. Interestingly, consonant gradation like that in Finnish appears to show up in the verb conjugation (with strengthening to pp in the 3rd person plural and weakening to v elsewhere).
5. Indicative and interrogative intransitive moods
indicativeinterrogative
nerivunga "I am eating"nerivunga? "Am I eating?"
nerivutit "You are eating"nerivit? "Are you eating?"
nerivoq "He/she/it eats"neriva? "Is he/she/it eating?"
nerivugut "We are eating"nerivugut? "Are we eating?"
nerivusi "You are eating (pl.)"nerivisi? "Are you eating? (pl.)"
neripput "They are eating"nerippat? "Are they eating?"
Table 6 shows the transitive indicative inflection for patient person and number of the verb asa- "to love" (an asterisk means that this form does not occur as such but would have to use a different reflexive inflection).
6. Transitive indicative mood
First person subjectSecond person subjectThird person subject
*asavarma "You love me"asavaanga "He/she/it loves me"
asavakkit "I love you"*asavaatit "He/she/it loves you"
asavara "I love him/her/it"asavat "You love her/him/it"asavaa "He/she/it loves him/her/it"
*asavatsigut "You love us"asavaatigut "He/she/it loves us"
asavassi "I love you (pl.)"*asavaasi "He/she/it loves you (pl.)"
asavakka "I love them"asavatit "You love them"asavai "He/she/it loves them"
Imperative and optative moods
The imperative mood is used to issue orders. It is always combined with the second person. The optative is used to express wishes or exhortations and is never used with the second person. There is a negative imperative form used to issue prohibitions. Both optative and imperative have transitive and intransitive paradigms. There are two transitive positive imperative paradigms: a standard one, and one that is considered rude and is usually used to address children.[59]
sini-git! "Sleep!"
sleep-imp
sini-llanga "Let me sleep!"
sleep-1p.opt
sini-nnak! "Don't sleep!"
sleep-neg.imp
Conditional mood
The conditional mood is used to construct subordinate clauses with the meaning "if" or "when".[60]
seqinner-pat Eva ani-ssaa-q "If the sun shines, Eva will go out"
Sunshine-cond Eva go.out-expect/3p
Causative mood
The causative mood (sometimes called the conjunctive) is used to construct subordinate clauses with the meaning "because", "since" or "when"; it is also sometimes used with the meaning of "that". The causative is also used in main clauses to imply some underlying cause.[61]
qasu-gami innar-poq "He went to bed because he was tired"
be.tired-cau/3p go.to.bed-3p
matta-ttor-ama "I've eaten blubber (that's why I'm not hungry)"
blubber-eat-cau/I
ani-guit eqqaama-ssa-vat teriannia-qar-mat "If you go out, remember that there are foxes"
go.out-cond/you remember-fut-imp fox-are-caus
Contemporative mood
The contemporative mood is used to construct subordinate clauses with the meaning of simultaneity. It is only used if the subject of the subordinate clause and of the main clause are identical. If they differ, the participial mood or causative mood are used. The contemporative can also be used to form complement clauses for verbs of speaking or thinking.[62]
qasu-llunga angerlar-punga "Being tired, I went home"
be.tired-cont.i go.home-I
98-inik ukio-qar-luni toqu-voq "Being 98 years old, he/she died", "he/she was 98 when he/she died"
98-instr.pl year-have-cont.4p.sg die-3p
Eva oqar-poq kami-it akiler-lugit "Eva said she had paid for the boots"
Eva say-3p boot-pl pay-cont.3p.pl
Participial mood
The participial mood is used to construct a subordinate clause describing its subject in the state of carrying out an activity. It is used when the matrix clause and the subordinate clause have different subjects. It is often used in appositional phrases such as relative clauses.[63]
atuar-toq taku-ara "I saw her read/i saw that she read"
read-part/3p see-I/3p
neriu-ppunga tiki-ssa-soq "I hope he is coming/i hope he'll come"
hope-i come-expect-part/3p
Derivation
Verbal derivation is extremely productive, and Greenlandic employs many hundreds of derivational suffixes. Often a single verb will use more than one derivational suffix, resulting in very long words. Below are given some examples of how derivational suffixes can change the meaning of verbs.
-katap- "be tired of"
taku-katap-para "I am tired of seeing it/him/her"
see-tired.of-I/3p
-ler- "begin to/be about to"
neri-ler-pugut "We are about to eat"
eat-begin-WE
-llaqqip- "be proficient at"
erinar-su-llaqqip-poq "She is good at singing"
sing-hab-proficiently-3p
-niar- "plans to/wants to"
aallar-niar-poq "He plans to travel"
travel-plan-3p
angerlar-niar-aluar-punga "I was planning to go home though"
go.home-plan-though-I
-ngajap- "almost"
sini-ngajap-punga "I had almost fallen asleep"
sleep-almost-I
-nikuu-nngila- "has never"
taku-nikuu-nngila-ra "I have never seen it"
see-never-neg-I/3p
-nngitsoor- "not anyway/afterall"
tiki-nngitsoor-poq "He hasn't arrived after all"
arrive-not.afterall-3p
Time reference and aspect
Greenlandic grammar has morphological devices to mark a distinction between, for example, recent and distant past, but the use of these is not obligatory,[64] and they should therefore rather be understood as parts of Greenlandic's extensive derivational system than as a system of tense markers. Rather than by morphological marking, fixed temporal distance is expressed by temporal adverbials:[65]
toqo-riikatap-poq "He died long ago"[66]
die-long.ago-3p/ind
nere-qqammer-punga "I ate recently"[66]
eat-recently-I/ind
ippassaq Piitaq arpap-poq "Yesterday Peter was running."[67]
yesterday Peter-abs run-3p/ind
All other things being equal and in the absence of any explicit adverbials, the indicative mood will be interpreted as complete or incomplete depending on the verbal aktionsart.[67]
Piitaq arpap-poq "Peter runs"[67]
Peter-abs run-3p/ind
Piitaq ani-voq "Peter was gone out"[67]
Peter-abs go.out-3p/ind
But if a sentence containing an atelic verbal phrase is embedded within the context of a past time narrative, it would be interpreted as past.[68]
Greenlandic has several purely derivational devices of expressing meaning related to aspect and aktionsart, e.g. sar expressing "habituality" and ssaar expressing "stop to".[69] Next to these, there are at least two major perfect markers: sima and nikuu. sima can occur in several positions with obviously different function[70] Rightmost position indicates evidential meaning, but this can be determined only if a number of suffixes are present.
tiki(t)-nikuu-sima-voq "Apparently, she had arrived"[71]
arrive-NIKUU-SIMA-3p/int
With atelic verbs, there is a regular contrast between indirective evidentiality marked by sima and witnessed evidentiality marked by nikuu.[72] Due to its evidential meaning, the combination of first person and sima sometimes is marked.[73]
qia-sima-voq "He cried (his eyes are swollen)"
cry-SIMA-3p/ind
qia-nikuu-voq "He cried (I was there)"
cry-NIKUU-3p/ind[72]
In the written language[66] and more recently also in the spoken language especially of younger speakers, sima and nikuu can be used together with adverbials referring to a particular time in the past.[74] That is, they might arguably mark time reference, but not yet systematically.
Just as Greenlandic does not systematically mark past tense, the language also does not have a future tense. Rather, it employs three different strategies to express future meaning:
suffixes denoting cognitive states that show an attitude about prospective actions.
e.g. Ilimaga-ara aasaq manna Dudley qujanar-tor-si-ffigi-ssa-llugu "I expect to get some fun out of Dudley this summer."
expect-I/3p/ind summer this Dudley be.fun-cn-get.from-expect-CONTEMPORATIVE/3p
inchoative suffixes creating telic actions which can then be understood as already having begun by virtue of the indicative mood.
e.g. Aggiuti-ler-para "I've started to bring him."
bring-begin-I/3p/ind
moods that mark the speech act as a request or wish.[75]
e.g. Qimmi-t nirukkar-niar-nigik "Let us feed the dogs, ok?"[76]
dog-pl feed-please-we/them/imp
While the status of the perfect markers as aspect is not very controversial, some scholars have claimed that Greenlandic has a basic temporal distinction between future and non-future. Especially, the suffix -ssa and handful of other suffixes have been claimed to be obligatory future markers.[77][78] However, at least for literary Greenlandic, these suffixes have been shown to have other semantics that can be used to refer to the future via the strategies just described.[79]
Noun incorporation
There is also a debate in the linguistic literature whether Greenlandic has noun incorporation. This is because Greenlandic does not allow the kind of incorporation common in many languages in which a noun root can be incorporated into almost any verb to form a verb with a new meaning. On the other hand, Greenlandic does often form verbs that include noun roots. The question then becomes whether to analyse these verb formations as incorporation or as denominal derivation of verbs. Greenlandic has a number of morphemes that require a noun root as their host and which form complex predicates that correspond closely in meaning to what is often seen in languages that have canonical noun incorporation. Linguists who propose that Greenlandic does have incorporation argue that these morphemes are in fact verbal roots that must obligatorily incorporate nouns to form grammatical clauses.[47][80][81][82][83][84] This argument is supported by the fact that many of the derivational morphemes that form denominal verbs work almost identically to canonical noun incorporation. They allow the formation of words with a semantic content corresponding to an entire English clause with verb, subject and object. Another argument is that the morphemes used to derive denominal verbs come from historical noun incorporating constructions that have become fossilized.[85] Other linguists maintain that the morphemes in question are simply derivational morphemes that allow the formation of denominal verbs. This argument is supported by the fact that the morphemes cannot occur without being latched on to a nominal element.[86][87][88] The examples below illustrate how Greenlandic forms complex predicates including nominal roots.
qimmeq "dog" + -qar- "have" (+ -poq "3p")
qimme-qar-poq "She has a dog"
illu "house" + -'lior- "make"
illu-lior-poq "She builds a house"
kaffi "coffee" + -sor- "drink/eat"
kaffi-sor-poq "She drinks coffee"
puisi "seal" + -nniar- "hunt"
puisi-nniar-poq "She hunts seal"
allagaq "letter" + -si- "receive"
allagar-si-voq "She has received a letter"
anaana "mother" + -a- "to be"
anaana-a-voq "She is a mother"
Nouns
Nouns are obligatorily inflected for case and number and optionally for number and person of possessor. Singular and plural are distinguished and 8 cases used: absolutive, ergative (relative), instrumental, allative, locative, ablative, prosecutive (also called vialis or prolative), and equative.[89] Case and number are marked by a single suffix. Nouns can be derived from verbs or from other nouns by a number of suffixes, e.g. atuar- "to read" + -fik "place" becomes atuarfik "school" and atuarfik + -tsialak "something good" becomes atuarfitsialak "good school".
The fact that the possessive agreement suffixes on nouns and the transitive agreement suffixes on verbs in a number of instances have similar or identical shapes has even resulted in the theory that Greenlandic has a distinction between transitive and intransitive nouns, parallel to the same distinction in the verbs.[90][note 10]
Pronouns
There are personal pronouns for first-, second-, and third-person singular and plural. These pronouns are optional as subjects or objects, but only when the verbal inflection refers to such arguments.[91]
Personal pronouns
SingularPlural
First personuangauagut
Second personillitilissi
Third personunauku
Personal pronouns are, however, necessary in the oblique case:
ilin-nut niri-qu-aa
thou all. eat tell-to 3s-3s-indic.
'He told you to eat it'
Case
The two grammatical core cases ergative and absolutive are used to express grammatical and syntactical roles of participant noun phrases. The oblique cases express information related to movement and manner.
3. Kalaallisut
case endings
casesingularplural
Absolutive-q/-t/-k/-Ø-(i)t
Ergative-(u)p-(i)t
Instrumental-mik-nik
Allative-mut-nut
Locative-mi-ni
Ablative-mit-nit
Prosecutive-kkut-tigut
Equative-tut-tut
angu-t neri-voq "The man eats"
man-abs eat-3p
angu-tip puisi neri-vaa "The man eats the seal"
man-erg seal-abs eat-3p/3p
The instrumental case is versatile. It is used for the instrument with which an action is carried out, for oblique objects of intransitive verbs (also called antipassive verbs)[47][92][93] and for secondary objects of transitive verbs.[94]
nano-q savim-mi-nik kapi-vaa "He stabbed the bear with his knife"
polar bear-abs knife-his.own-instr stab-3p/3p
kaffimik tor-tar-poq "She usually drinks coffee"
coffee-instr drink-usually-3p
Piitaq savim-mik tuni-vara "I gave Peter a knife"
Peter-abs knife-instr give-I/3p
It is also used to express the meaning of "give me" and for forming adverbs from nouns:
imer-mik! "(give me) water"
water-instr
sivisuu-mik sinip-poq "He slept late"
late-instr sleep-3p
The allative case describes movement towards something.[95]
illu-mut "towards the house"
It is also used with numerals and the question word qassit to express the time of the clock, and in the meaning "amount per unit":
qassi-nut? – pingasu-nut. "When?" – "At three o'clock"
when-all three-all
kiilu-mut tivi krone-qar-poq "It costs 20 crowns per kilo"
kilo-all twenty crown-have-3p
The locative case describes spatial location:[95]
illu-mi "in the house"
The ablative case describes movement away from something or the source of something:[95]
Rasmussi-mit allagarsi-voq "He got a letter from Rasmus"
Rasmus-abl receive.letter-3p
tuttu-mit nassuk " (antler)horn from a rein-deer"
rein.deer-abl horn
The prosecutive case describes movement through something as well as the medium of writing or a location on the body. It is also used to describe a group of people such as a family as belonging to the modified noun.[96]
matu-kkut iser-poq "He entered through the door"
door-pros enter-3p
su-kkut tillup-paatit? "Where (on the body) did he hit you?"
where-pros hit-3p/YOU
palasi-kkut "the priest and his family"
priest-pros
The equative case describes similarity of manner or quality. It is also used for deriving language names from nouns denoting nationalities, i.e. "like a person of x nationality [speaks]".[96]
nakorsatut suli-sar-poq "he works as a doctor"
doctor-equ work-hab-3p
Qallunaa-tut "Danish language (like a Dane)"
dane-equ
Possession
4. Absolutive possessive inflection for weak nouns
PossessorSingularPlural
1st person Sg.illora "my house"illukka "my houses"
2nd person Sg.illut "your house"illutit "your houses"
3rd person Sg.illua "his house"illui "his houses"
4th person Sg.illuni "his own house"illuni "his own houses"
1st person Pl.illorput "our house"illuvut "our houses"
2nd person Pl.illorsi "your (pl) house"illusi "your (pl) houses"
3rd Person Pl.illuat "their house"illui "their houses"
4th person Pl.illortik "their own house"illutik "their own houses"
In Greenlandic possession is marked on the noun which agrees with the person and number of its possessor. The possessor is in the ergative case. There are different possessive paradigms for all of the different cases.[97] Table 4 gives the possessive paradigm for the absolutive case of illu "house". Below are given examples of the use of the possessive inflection, the use of the ergative case for possessors and the use of fourth person possessors.
Anda-p illu-a "Anda's house"
Anda-erg house-3p/poss
Anda-p illu-ni taku-aa "Anda sees his own house"
Anda-erg house-4p/poss see-3p/3p
Anda-p illu-a taku-aa "Anda sees his (the other man's) house"
Anda-erg house-3p/poss see-3p/3p
Vocabulary
The orthography and vocabulary of the Greenlandic language is governed by Oqaasileriffik, the Greenlandic language secretariat, located in the Ilimmarfik university campus in Nuuk.
Greenlandic vocabulary is mostly inherited from Proto-Eskimo–Aleut, but it has also taken a large number of loans from other languages, especially from Danish. Early loans from Danish have often become acculturated to the Greenlandic phonological system, for example the Greenlandic word palasi "priest" is a loan from the Danish "præst". But since Greenlandic has an enormous potential for the derivation of new words from existing roots, many modern concepts have Greenlandic names that have been invented rather than borrowed, e.g. qarasaasiaq "computer" which literally means "artificial brain". This potential for complex derivations also means that Greenlandic vocabulary is built on very few roots which combined with affixes come to form large word families.[4] For example the root for "tongue" oqaq is used to derive the following words:
oqarpoq 'says'
oqaaseq 'word'
oqaluppoq 'speaks'
oqaasilerisoq 'linguist'
oqaasilerissutit 'grammar'
oqaluttualiortoq 'author'
oqaasipiluuppaa 'harangues him'
oqaloqatigiinneq 'conversation'
oqaatiginerluppaa 'speaks badly about him'
Lexical differences between dialects are often considerable. This is due to the earlier cultural practice of imposing taboo on words which had served as names for a deceased person. Since people were often named after everyday objects, many of these have changed their name several times because of taboo rules, causing dialectal vocabulary to diverge further.[4]
Orthography
ĸ in a Greenlandic–Danish dictionary from 1926
Greenlandic is written with the Latin script. The alphabet:
A E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V
To spell loanwords from other languages, especially from Danish and English, the additional letters B, C, D, X, Y, Z, W, Æ, Ø and Å are used.[98][99] Greenlandic uses the symbols "..." and »...« as quotation marks.
From 1851 until 1973, Greenlandic was written in the alphabet invented by Samuel Kleinschmidt. This alphabet employed the special character kra (Κʼ / ĸ) which was replaced by q in the 1973 reform.[100] In the Kleinschmidt alphabet, long vowels and geminate consonants were indicated by means of diacritics on the vowels (in the case of consonant gemination, the diacritics were placed on the vowel preceding the affected consonant). For example, the name Kalaallit Nunaat was spelled Kalâdlit Nunât. This scheme uses a circumflex accent ( ˆ ) to indicate a long vowel (e.g., ât/ît/ût, modern: aat, iit, uut), an acute accent ( ´ ) to indicate gemination of the following consonant: (i.e., á, í, ú modern: a(kk), i(kk), u(kk))] and, finally, a tilde ( ˜ ) or a grave accent ( ` ), depending on the author, indicates vowel length and gemination of the following consonant (e.g., ãt, ĩt, ũt or àt, ìt, ùt, modern: aatt, iitt, uutt). The letters ê and ô, used only before r and q, are now written ee and oo in Greenlandic. The spelling system of Nunatsiavummiutut, spoken in Nunatsiavut in northeastern Labrador, is derived from the old Greenlandic system.
Technically, the Kleinschmidt orthography focused upon morphology: the same derivational affix would be written in the same way in different contexts, despite its being pronounced differently in different contexts. The 1973 reform replaced this with a phonological system: Here, there was a clear link from written form to pronunciation, and the same suffix is now written differently in different contexts. The differences are due to phonological changes. It is therefore easy to go from the old orthography to the new (cf. the online converter)[101] whereas going the other direction would require a full lexical analysis.
Sample text
Inuit tamarmik inunngorput nammineersinnaassuseqarlutik assigiimmillu ataqqinassuseqarlutillu pisinnaatitaaffeqarlutik. Silaqassusermik tarnillu nalunngissusianik pilersugaapput, imminnullu iliorfigeqatigiittariaqaraluarput qatanngutigiittut peqatigiinnerup anersaavani.
"All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood." (Article 1 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights)
Greenlandic language
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This article is about the Eskimo–Aleut language. For the extinct North Germanic language, see Greenlandic Norse.
Greenlandic
kalaallisut
Native toGreenland, Denmark
EthnicityGreenlandic Inuit
Native speakers
56,200, 88% of ethnic population (2007)[1]
Language family
Eskimo–Aleut
Eskimo
Inuit
Greenlandic
Early forms
Old Greenlandic
Middle Greenlandic
Dialects
Kalaallisut
Tunumiit oraasiat
Inuktun
Writing system
Latin
Scandinavian Braille
Official status
Official language in
Greenland[2]
Recognised minority
language in
Denmark
Regulated byThe Greenland Language Secretariat Oqaasileriffik
Language codes
ISO 639-1kl
ISO 639-2kal
ISO 639-3kal
GlottologNone
kala1399[3]
Idioma groenlandés.png
This article contains IPA phonetic symbols. Without proper rendering support, you may see question marks, boxes, or other symbols instead of Unicode characters. For an introductory guide on IPA symbols, see Help:IPA.
Greenlandic is an Eskimo–Aleut language spoken by about 56,000 Greenlandic Inuit in Greenland. It is closely related to the Inuit languages in Canada such as Inuktitut. The main variety, Kalaallisut or West Greenlandic, has been the official language of the Greenlandic autonomous territory since June 2009; this is a move by the Naalakkersuisut (government of Greenland) to strengthen the language in its competition with the colonial language, Danish. The second variety is Tunumiit oraasiat or East Greenlandic. The Thule Inuit of Greenland, Inuktun or Polar Eskimo, is a recent arrival and a dialect of Inuktitut.
Greenlandic is a polysynthetic language that allows the creation of long words by stringing together roots and suffixes. Its morphosyntactic alignment is ergative, meaning that it treats (i.e. case-marks) the argument ("subject") of an intransitive verb like the object of a transitive verb, but distinctly from the agent ("subject") of a transitive verb.
Nouns are inflected for one of the eight cases and for possession. Verbs are inflected for one of the eight moods and for the number and person of its subject and object. Both nouns and verbs have complex derivational morphology. Basic word order in transitive clauses is subject–object–verb. Subordination of clauses is done by the use of special subordinate moods. A so-called fourth-person category enables switch-reference between main clauses and subordinate clauses with different subjects. Greenlandic is notable for its lack of a system of grammatical tense, as temporal relations are normally expressed through context, through the use of temporal particles such as "yesterday" or "now" or sometimes through the use of derivational suffixes or the combination of affixes with aspectual meanings with the semantic aktionsart of different verbs. However, some linguists have suggested that Greenlandic does mark future tense obligatorily. Another question is whether the language has noun incorporation, or whether the processes that create complex predicates that include nominal roots are derivational in nature.
When adopting new concepts or technologies, Greenlandic usually constructs new words made from Greenlandic roots, but modern Greenlandic has also taken many loans from Danish and English. The language has been written in the Latin script since Danish colonization began in the 1700s. The first orthography was developed by Samuel Kleinschmidt in 1851, but within a hundred years already differed substantially from the spoken language because of a number of sound changes. An extensive orthographic reform undertaken in 1973 that made the script easier to learn resulted in a boost in Greenlandic literacy, which is now among the highest in the world.
Contents
1History
2Classification
3Phonology
3.1Vowels
3.2Consonants
3.3Phonotactics
3.4Prosody
3.5Morphophonology
4Grammar
4.1Syntax
4.1.1Morphosyntactic alignment
4.1.2Word order
4.1.3Coordination and subordination
4.1.4Obviation and switch-reference
4.1.5Indefiniteness construction
4.2Verbs
4.2.1Inflection
4.2.1.1Indicative and interrogative moods
4.2.1.2Imperative and optative moods
4.2.1.3Conditional mood
4.2.1.4Causative mood
4.2.1.5Contemporative mood
4.2.1.6Participial mood
4.2.2Derivation
4.2.3Time reference and aspect
4.2.4Noun incorporation
4.3Nouns
4.3.1Pronouns
4.3.2Case
4.3.3Possession
5Vocabulary
6Orthography
6.1Sample text
7See also
8Notes
9References
10Cited literature
11Further reading
12External links
History
The Greenlandic language was brought to Greenland with the arrival of the Thule people in the 1200s. It is unknown which languages were spoken by the earlier Saqqaq and Dorset cultures in Greenland.
The first descriptions of Greenlandic date from the 1600s, and with the arrival of Danish missionaries in the early 1700s, and the beginning of Danish colonialism in Greenland, the compilation of dictionaries and description of grammar began. The missionary Paul Egede wrote the first Greenlandic dictionary in 1750, and the first grammar in 1760.[4]
Illustration 1: Distribution of Inuit language variants across the Arctic.
From the Danish colonization in the 1700s to the beginning of Greenlandic home rule in 1979, Greenlandic experienced increasing pressure from the Danish language. In the 1950s, Denmark's linguistic policies were directed at strengthening Danish. Of primary significance was that post-primary education and official functions were conducted in Danish.[5]
From 1851 to 1973, Greenlandic was written in a complicated orthography devised by the missionary linguist Samuel Kleinschmidt. In 1973, a new orthography was introduced, intended to bring the written language closer to the spoken standard, which had changed considerably since Kleinschmidt's time. The reform was effective and in the years following it, Greenlandic literacy received a boost.[5]
Another development that strengthened the Greenlandic language has been the policy of "greenlandization" of Greenlandic society which began with the homerule agreement of 1979. This policy has worked to reverse the former trend towards marginalization of the Greenlandic language by making it the official language of education. The fact that Greenlandic has become the only language used in primary schooling has meant that today monolingual Danish-speaking parents in Greenland are raising children bilingual in Danish and Greenlandic.[6] Today Greenlandic has several dedicated news media: the Greenlandic National Radio, Kalaallit Nunaata Radioa, which provides television and radio programming in Greenlandic. The newspaper Sermitsiaq, has been published since 1958, and in 2010 merged with the other newspaper Atuagagdliutit/Grønlandsposten, which was established already in 1861 to form a single large Greenlandic language publishing house.[7][8]
Before June 2009, Greenlandic shared its status as the official language in Greenland with Danish.[note 1] Since then, Greenlandic has become the sole official language.[2] This has made Greenlandic a unique example of an indigenous language of the Americas that is recognized by law as the only official language of a semi-independent country. Nevertheless, it is still considered to be in a "vulnerable" state by the UNESCO Red Book of Language Endangerment.[9] The country has a 100% literacy rate.[10] As the Western Greenlandic standard has become dominant, a UNESCO report has labelled the other dialects as endangered, and measures are now being considered to protect the Eastern Greenlandic dialect.[11]
Classification
Kalaallisut and the other Greenlandic dialects belong to the Eskimo–Aleut family and are closely related to the Inuit languages of Canada and Alaska. Illustration 1 shows the locations of the different Eskimoan languages, among them the three main dialects of Greenlandic.
Example of differences between the 3 main dialects
EnglishKalaallisutInuktunTunumiisut
humansinuitinughuit[12]iivit[13]
The most prominent Greenlandic dialect is West Greenlandic (Kalaallisut), which is the official language of Greenland. The name Kalaallisut is often used as a cover term for all of Greenlandic. The northern dialect, Inuktun (Avanersuarmiutut), spoken in the vicinity of the city of Qaanaaq (Thule), is particularly closely related to Canadian Inuktitut. The eastern dialect (Tunumiit oraasiat), spoken in the vicinity of Ammassalik Island and Ittoqqortoormiit, is the most innovative of the Greenlandic dialects, having assimilated consonant clusters and vowel sequences to a greater extent than West Greenlandic.[14] Kalaallisut is further divided into four subdialects. One that is spoken around Upernavik has certain similarities to East Greenlandic, possibly because of a previous migration from eastern Greenland. A second dialect is spoken in the region of Uummannaq and the Disko Bay. The standard language is based on the central Kalaallisut dialect spoken in Sisimiut in the north, around Nuuk and as far south as Maniitsoq. Southern Kalaallisut is spoken around Narsaq and Qaqortoq in the south.[4] Table 1 shows the differences in the pronunciation of the word for "humans" in the three main dialects. It can be seen that Inuktun is the most conservative, maintaining the "gh" which has been elided in Kalaallisut, and Tunumiisut is the most innovative, having further simplified the structure by eliding the /n/.
Phonology
See also: Inuit phonology
Letters between slashes / / indicate phonemic transcription, letters in square brackets [ ] indicate phonetic transcription and letters in triangular brackets ⟨ ⟩ indicate standard Greenlandic orthography.
Vowels
Ranges of West Greenlandic monophthongs on a vowel chart.[15]
The Greenlandic three vowel system, composed of /i/, /u/, and /a/, is typical for an Eskimo–Aleut language. Double vowels are analyzed as two morae, so they are phonologically a vowel sequence and not a long vowel; they are also written as two vowels in the orthography.[16][17] The only diphthong in the language is /ai/, which occurs only at the ends of words.[18] Before a uvular consonant ([q] or [ʁ]), /i/ is realized allophonically as [e], [ɛ] or [ɐ], and /u/ is realized allophonically as [o] or [ɔ], and the two vowels are written e, o respectively (as in some orthographies used for Quechua and Aymara).[19] /a/ becomes retracted to [ɑ] in the same environment. /i/ is rounded to [y] before labial consonants.[19] /u/ is fronted to [ʉ] between two coronal consonants.[19]
The allophonic lowering of /i/ and /u/ before uvular consonants is shown in the modern orthography by writing /i/ and /u/ as ⟨e⟩ and ⟨o⟩ respectively before uvulars ⟨q⟩ and ⟨r⟩. For example:
/ui/ "husband" pronounced [ui].
/uiqarpuq/ "she has a husband" pronounced [ueqɑʁpɔq] and written ⟨ueqarpoq⟩.
/illu/ "house" pronounced [iɬːu].
/illuqarpuq/ "he has a house" pronounced [iɬːoqɑʁpɔq] and written ⟨illoqarpoq⟩.
Consonants
Greenlandic has consonants at five points of articulation: labial, alveolar, palatal, velar and uvular. It does not have phonemic voicing contrast, but rather distinguishes stops from fricatives. It distinguishes stops, fricatives, and nasals at the labial, alveolar, velar, and uvular points of articulation.[note 2] The earlier palatal sibilant [ʃ] has merged with
2. Consonants of Kalaallisut
LabialAlveolarPalatalVelarUvular
Stops/p/ ⟨p⟩/t/ ⟨t⟩/k/ ⟨k⟩/q/ ⟨q⟩
Fricatives/v/ ⟨v⟩[note 3]/s/ ⟨s⟩(/ʃ/)[note 4]/ɣ/ ⟨g⟩/ʁ/ ⟨r⟩
Nasals/m/ ⟨m⟩/n/ ⟨n⟩/ŋ/ ⟨ng⟩/ɴ/ ⟨rn⟩
Liquids/l/ ⟨l⟩ ⁓ [ɬ] ⟨ll⟩/R/ ⟨r⟩
Semivowel/j/ ⟨j⟩/Ø/ ⟨Ø⟩
Phonotactics
The Kalaallisut syllable is simple, allowing syllables of (C)(V)V(C), where C is a consonant and V is a vowel and VV is a double vowel or word-final /ai/.[21] Native words may only begin with a vowel or /p, t, k, q, s, m, n/; they may end only in /p, t, k, q/ or rarely /n/. Consonant clusters only occur over syllable boundaries and their pronunciation is subject to regressive assimilations that convert them into geminates. All non-nasal consonants in a cluster are voiceless.[22]
Prosody
Greenlandic prosody does not include stress as an autonomous category; instead, prosody is determined by tonal and durational parameters.[17] Intonation is influenced by syllable weight: heavy syllables are pronounced in a way that may be perceived as stress. Heavy syllables include syllables with long vowels and syllables before consonant clusters. The last syllable is stressed in words with fewer than four syllables and without long vowels or consonant clusters. The antepenultimate syllable is stressed in words with more than four syllables that are all light. In words with many heavy syllables, syllables with long vowels are considered heavier than syllables before a consonant cluster.[23]
Geminate consonants are pronounced long, almost exactly with the double duration of a single consonant.[24]
Intonation in indicative clauses usually rises on the antepenultimate syllable, falls on the penult and rises on the last syllable. Interrogative intonation rises on the penultimate and falls on the last syllable.[23][25]
Morphophonology
Greenlandic phonology distinguishes itself phonologically from the other Inuit languages by a series of assimilations.
Greenlandic phonology allows clusters, but it does not allow clusters of two different consonants unless the first one is /ʁ/. In all other cases the first consonant in a cluster is assimilated to the second one resulting in a geminate consonant. Geminate /tt/ is pronounced [ts] and written ⟨ts⟩. Geminate /ll/ is pronounced [ɬː]. Geminate /ɣɣ/ is pronounced [çː] but is written ⟨gg⟩. Geminate /ʁʁ/ is pronounced [χː]. Geminate /vv/ is pronounced [fː] and written ⟨ff⟩. /v/ is also pronounced and written [f] after /ʁ/.[26]
These assimilations mean that one of the most recognizable Inuktitut words, iglu ("house"), is illu in Greenlandic, where the /ɡl/ consonant cluster of Inuktitut is assimilated into a voiceless alveolar lateral fricative. And the word Inuktitut itself, when translated into Kalaallisut, becomes Inuttut. The Old Greenlandic diphthong /au/ has assimilated to /aa/.
The consonant /v/ has disappeared when between /u/ and /i/ or /a/. This means that affixes beginning with -va or -vi have forms without [v] when suffixed to stems ending in /u/.
The vowel /i/ of modern Greenlandic is the result of a historic merger of the Proto-Eskimo–Aleut vowels *i and *ɪ. The fourth vowel was still present in Old Greenlandic as attested by Hans Egede.[27] In modern West Greenlandic the difference between the two original vowels can only be discerned morphophonologically in certain environments. The vowel that was originally *ɪ has the variant [a] when preceding another vowel and sometimes disappears before certain suffixes.[28]
The degree to which the assimilation of consonant clusters has taken place is an important dialectal feature separating Polar Eskimo, Inuktun, which still allows some ungeminated consonant clusters, from West and East Greenlandic. East Greenlandic (Tunumiit oraasiat) has shifted some geminate consonants, e.g. [ɬː] to [tː]. Thus, for example, the East Greenlandic name of a particular town is Ittoqqortoormiit, which would appear as Illoqqortoormiut in Kalaallisut.[13][14]
Grammar
A bilingual sign in Nuuk, showing the contrast between Danish and Kalaallisut. The sign translates to "parking forbidden for all vehicles".
The morphology of Greenlandic is highly synthetic and exclusively suffixing,[29] with the exception of a single highly limited and fossilized demonstrative prefix. It creates very long words by means of adding strings of suffixes to a stem.[note 5] In principle there is no limit to the length of a Greenlandic word, but in practice words with more than half a dozen derivational suffixes are not so frequent, and the average number of morphemes per word is 3 to 5.[30][note 6] The language employs around 318 inflectional suffixes and between four and five hundred derivational ones.[31]
There are few compound words, but lots of derivations.[32] The grammar employs a mixture of head and dependent marking: both agent and patient are marked on the predicate and the possessor is marked on nouns, while dependent noun phrases inflect for case. The morphosyntactic alignment of Kalaallisut is ergative.
The language distinguishes four persons (1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th or 3rd reflexive (see Obviation and switch-reference), two numbers (singular and plural; no dual as in Inuktitut), eight moods (indicative, participial, imperative/optative, interrogative, past subjunctive, future subjunctive and habitual subjunctive) and eight cases (absolutive, ergative, equative, instrumental, locative, allative, ablative and prolative). Verbs carry a bipersonal inflection for subject and object. Possessive noun phrases inflect for their possessor, as well as for case.[33]
In this section the examples are written in Greenlandic standard orthography except that morpheme boundaries are indicated by a hyphen.
Syntax
Greenlandic distinguishes three open word classes: nouns, verbs and particles. Verbs inflect for person and number of subject and object as well as for mood. Nouns inflect for possession and for case. Particles do not inflect.[34]
VerbNounParticle
WordOqar-poq "he says"Angut "A man"Naamik "No"
Glosssay-3p/ind[note 7]man.absNo
The verb is the only word required to build a sentence. Since verbs inflect for number and person of both subject and object, the verb is in fact a clause itself. Therefore, clauses where all participants are expressed as free-standing noun phrases are rather rare.[34] The following examples show the possibilities of leaving out these verbal arguments:
Intransitive clause with no subject noun phrase:
Sini-ppoq "(S)he sleeps"
sleep-3p/ind[note 8]
Intransitive clause with subject noun phrase:
Angut sinippoq "the man sleeps"
man.abs sleep-3p/ind
Transitive clause with no overt arguments:
Asa-vaa "(S)he loves him/her/it"
love-3p/3p
Transitive clause with agent noun phrase:
Angut-ip asa-vaa "the man loves him/her/it"
man-erg love-3p/3p
Transitive clause with patient noun phrase:
Arnaq asa-vaa "(S)he loves the woman"
woman.abs love-3p/3p
Morphosyntactic alignment
The Greenlandic language uses case to express grammatical relations between participants in a sentence. Nouns are inflected with one of the two core cases or one of the six oblique cases.[35]
Greenlandic is an ergative language. This means that, instead of treating the grammatical relations as in most European languages where grammatical subjects are marked with nominative case and objects with accusative, the grammatical roles are defined differently. In Greenlandic the ergative case is used for agents of transitive verbs and for possessors. Absolutive case is used for patients of transitive verbs and subjects of intransitive verbs.[36] Research into Greenlandic as used by the younger generation has shown that the use of ergative alignment in Kalaallisut may be becoming obsolete, converting the language into a nominative–accusative language.[37]
Intransitive:
Anda sini-ppoq "Anda sleeps"
Anda.abs sleep-3p/ind
Transitive with agent and object:
Anda-p nanoq taku-aa "Anda sees a bear"
Anda.erg bear-abs see-3p/3p
Word order
In transitive clauses where both object and subject are expressed as free noun phrases, basic, pragmatically neutral word order is AOXV / SXV, where X is a noun phrase in one of the oblique cases. This order is fairly free, though. Topical noun phrases occur at the beginning of a clause whereas new or emphasized information generally come last. This is usually the verb, but it can also be a focal subject or object as well. In spoken language also "afterthought" material or clarifications may follow the verb, usually in a lowered pitch.[38]
On the other hand, the noun phrase is characterized by a rigid order where the head of the phrase precedes any modifiers and the possessor precedes the possessum.[39]
In copula clauses the order is usually Subject-Copula-Complement.
Andap tujuuluk pisiaraa "Anda bought the sweater"
Anda sweater bought
A O V
An attribute appears after its head noun.
Andap tujuuluk tungujortoq pisiaraa "Anda bought the blue sweater"
Anda sweater blue bought
A O X V
An attribute of an incorporated noun appears after the verb:
Anda sanasuuvoq pikkorissoq "Anda is a skilled carpenter"
Anda carpenter.IS skilled
S V APP
Coordination and subordination
Syntactic coordination and subordination is done by combining predicates in the superordinate moods (indicative, interrogative, imperative, optative) with predicates in the subordinate moods (conditional, causative, contemporative and participial). The contemporative has both coordinative and subordinative functions depending on context.[40] The relative order of the main clause and its coordinate or subordinate clauses is relatively free, and mostly subject to pragmatic concerns.[41]
Obviation and switch-reference
The Greenlandic pronominal system includes a distinction known as obviation[42] or switch-reference.[43] There is a special so-called fourth person[44] used to denote a third person subject of a subordinate verb or the possessor of a noun that is coreferent with the third person subject of the matrix clause.[45] Below are examples of the difference between third and fourth person:
illu-a taku-aa "he saw his (the other man's) house"
house-3poss see-3p/3p
illu-ni taku-aa "he saw his own house"
house-4poss see-3p/3p
Ole oqar-poq tillu-kkiga "Ole said I had hit him (the other man)"
Ole say-3p hit-I/3p
Ole oqar-poq tillu-kkini "Ole said I had hit him (Ole)"
Ole say-3p hit-I/4p[note 9]
Eva iser-uni sini-ssaa-q "When Eva comes in she'll sleep"
Eva come.in-4p sleep-expect-3p
Eva iser-pat sini-ssaa-q When Eva comes in (s)he'll sleep (someone else).
Eva come.in-3p sleep-expect-3p
Indefiniteness construction
There is no category of definiteness in Greenlandic, so the information whether participants are already known to the listener or new in the discourse is encoded by other means. According to some authors, morphology related to transitivity such as the use of the construction sometimes called antipassive[46][47] or intransitive object[48] conveys such meaning, along with strategies of noun incorporation of non-topical noun phrases.[49][50] This view, however, is controversial.[51]
Active:
Piitap arfeq takuaa "Peter saw the whale"
Peter-erg whale see
Antipassive/intransitive object:
Piitaq arfermik takuvoq "Peter saw (a) whale"
Peter-abs whale-instr see
Verbs
The morphology of Greenlandic verbs is enormously complex. The two main processes are inflection and derivation. Inflectional morphology includes the processes of obligatory inflection for mood, person, and voice (tense/aspect is not an inflectional category in Kalaallisut).[52][53][54] Derivational morphology modifies the meaning of verbs in a way similar to that expressed by adverbs in English. Derivational suffixes of this kind number in the hundreds. Many of these suffixes are so semantically salient that they are often referred to as postbases rather than suffixes, particularly in the American tradition of Eskimo grammar.[55] Such semantically "heavy" suffixes may express concepts such as "to have", "to be", "to say", or "to think". The Greenlandic verb word consists of a root + derivational suffixes/postbases + inflectional suffixes. Tense and aspect is marked by optional suffixes that appear between the derivational and inflectional suffixes.
Inflection
Greenlandic verbs inflect for agreement with agent and patient, for mood and for voice. There are eight moods, of which four are used in independent clauses and four in subordinate clauses. The four independent moods are: indicative, interrogative, imperative, optative. The four dependent moods are causative, conditional, contemporative, and participial. Verbal roots can take transitive, intransitive or negative inflections, so that all eight mood suffixes have these three forms.[56] The inflectional system is further complicated by the fact that transitive suffixes encode both agent and patient in a single morpheme, requiring up to 48 different suffixes to cover all possible combinations of agent and patient for each of the eight transitive paradigms. As some moods do not have forms for all persons (imperative only has 2nd person, optative only 1st and 3rd person, participial mood has no 4th person and contemporative has no 3rd person), the total number of verbal inflectional suffixes is about 318.[57]
Indicative and interrogative moods
The indicative mood is used in all independent expository clauses. The interrogative mood is used for posing questions. Questions with the question particle immaqa "maybe" cannot use the interrogative mood.[58]
napparsima-vit? "Are you sick?" (interrogative mood)
be.sick-YOU/interr
naamik, napparsima-nngila-nga. "No, I am not sick" (indicative mood)
no, be.sick-neg-I/ind
Table 5 shows the intransitive indicative inflection for patient person and number of the verb neri- "to eat" in the indicative and interrogative moods (question marks mark interrogative intonation—questions have falling intonation on the last syllable as opposed to most Indo-European languages in which questions are marked by rising intonation). The indicative and the interrogative mood each have a transitive and an intransitive inflection, but here only the intransitive inflection is given. Interestingly, consonant gradation like that in Finnish appears to show up in the verb conjugation (with strengthening to pp in the 3rd person plural and weakening to v elsewhere).
5. Indicative and interrogative intransitive moods
indicativeinterrogative
nerivunga "I am eating"nerivunga? "Am I eating?"
nerivutit "You are eating"nerivit? "Are you eating?"
nerivoq "He/she/it eats"neriva? "Is he/she/it eating?"
nerivugut "We are eating"nerivugut? "Are we eating?"
nerivusi "You are eating (pl.)"nerivisi? "Are you eating? (pl.)"
neripput "They are eating"nerippat? "Are they eating?"
Table 6 shows the transitive indicative inflection for patient person and number of the verb asa- "to love" (an asterisk means that this form does not occur as such but would have to use a different reflexive inflection).
6. Transitive indicative mood
First person subjectSecond person subjectThird person subject
*asavarma "You love me"asavaanga "He/she/it loves me"
asavakkit "I love you"*asavaatit "He/she/it loves you"
asavara "I love him/her/it"asavat "You love her/him/it"asavaa "He/she/it loves him/her/it"
*asavatsigut "You love us"asavaatigut "He/she/it loves us"
asavassi "I love you (pl.)"*asavaasi "He/she/it loves you (pl.)"
asavakka "I love them"asavatit "You love them"asavai "He/she/it loves them"
Imperative and optative moods
The imperative mood is used to issue orders. It is always combined with the second person. The optative is used to express wishes or exhortations and is never used with the second person. There is a negative imperative form used to issue prohibitions. Both optative and imperative have transitive and intransitive paradigms. There are two transitive positive imperative paradigms: a standard one, and one that is considered rude and is usually used to address children.[59]
sini-git! "Sleep!"
sleep-imp
sini-llanga "Let me sleep!"
sleep-1p.opt
sini-nnak! "Don't sleep!"
sleep-neg.imp
Conditional mood
The conditional mood is used to construct subordinate clauses with the meaning "if" or "when".[60]
seqinner-pat Eva ani-ssaa-q "If the sun shines, Eva will go out"
Sunshine-cond Eva go.out-expect/3p
Causative mood
The causative mood (sometimes called the conjunctive) is used to construct subordinate clauses with the meaning "because", "since" or "when"; it is also sometimes used with the meaning of "that". The causative is also used in main clauses to imply some underlying cause.[61]
qasu-gami innar-poq "He went to bed because he was tired"
be.tired-cau/3p go.to.bed-3p
matta-ttor-ama "I've eaten blubber (that's why I'm not hungry)"
blubber-eat-cau/I
ani-guit eqqaama-ssa-vat teriannia-qar-mat "If you go out, remember that there are foxes"
go.out-cond/you remember-fut-imp fox-are-caus
Contemporative mood
The contemporative mood is used to construct subordinate clauses with the meaning of simultaneity. It is only used if the subject of the subordinate clause and of the main clause are identical. If they differ, the participial mood or causative mood are used. The contemporative can also be used to form complement clauses for verbs of speaking or thinking.[62]
qasu-llunga angerlar-punga "Being tired, I went home"
be.tired-cont.i go.home-I
98-inik ukio-qar-luni toqu-voq "Being 98 years old, he/she died", "he/she was 98 when he/she died"
98-instr.pl year-have-cont.4p.sg die-3p
Eva oqar-poq kami-it akiler-lugit "Eva said she had paid for the boots"
Eva say-3p boot-pl pay-cont.3p.pl
Participial mood
The participial mood is used to construct a subordinate clause describing its subject in the state of carrying out an activity. It is used when the matrix clause and the subordinate clause have different subjects. It is often used in appositional phrases such as relative clauses.[63]
atuar-toq taku-ara "I saw her read/i saw that she read"
read-part/3p see-I/3p
neriu-ppunga tiki-ssa-soq "I hope he is coming/i hope he'll come"
hope-i come-expect-part/3p
Derivation
Verbal derivation is extremely productive, and Greenlandic employs many hundreds of derivational suffixes. Often a single verb will use more than one derivational suffix, resulting in very long words. Below are given some examples of how derivational suffixes can change the meaning of verbs.
-katap- "be tired of"
taku-katap-para "I am tired of seeing it/him/her"
see-tired.of-I/3p
-ler- "begin to/be about to"
neri-ler-pugut "We are about to eat"
eat-begin-WE
-llaqqip- "be proficient at"
erinar-su-llaqqip-poq "She is good at singing"
sing-hab-proficiently-3p
-niar- "plans to/wants to"
aallar-niar-poq "He plans to travel"
travel-plan-3p
angerlar-niar-aluar-punga "I was planning to go home though"
go.home-plan-though-I
-ngajap- "almost"
sini-ngajap-punga "I had almost fallen asleep"
sleep-almost-I
-nikuu-nngila- "has never"
taku-nikuu-nngila-ra "I have never seen it"
see-never-neg-I/3p
-nngitsoor- "not anyway/afterall"
tiki-nngitsoor-poq "He hasn't arrived after all"
arrive-not.afterall-3p
Time reference and aspect
Greenlandic grammar has morphological devices to mark a distinction between, for example, recent and distant past, but the use of these is not obligatory,[64] and they should therefore rather be understood as parts of Greenlandic's extensive derivational system than as a system of tense markers. Rather than by morphological marking, fixed temporal distance is expressed by temporal adverbials:[65]
toqo-riikatap-poq "He died long ago"[66]
die-long.ago-3p/ind
nere-qqammer-punga "I ate recently"[66]
eat-recently-I/ind
ippassaq Piitaq arpap-poq "Yesterday Peter was running."[67]
yesterday Peter-abs run-3p/ind
All other things being equal and in the absence of any explicit adverbials, the indicative mood will be interpreted as complete or incomplete depending on the verbal aktionsart.[67]
Piitaq arpap-poq "Peter runs"[67]
Peter-abs run-3p/ind
Piitaq ani-voq "Peter was gone out"[67]
Peter-abs go.out-3p/ind
But if a sentence containing an atelic verbal phrase is embedded within the context of a past time narrative, it would be interpreted as past.[68]
Greenlandic has several purely derivational devices of expressing meaning related to aspect and aktionsart, e.g. sar expressing "habituality" and ssaar expressing "stop to".[69] Next to these, there are at least two major perfect markers: sima and nikuu. sima can occur in several positions with obviously different function[70] Rightmost position indicates evidential meaning, but this can be determined only if a number of suffixes are present.
tiki(t)-nikuu-sima-voq "Apparently, she had arrived"[71]
arrive-NIKUU-SIMA-3p/int
With atelic verbs, there is a regular contrast between indirective evidentiality marked by sima and witnessed evidentiality marked by nikuu.[72] Due to its evidential meaning, the combination of first person and sima sometimes is marked.[73]
qia-sima-voq "He cried (his eyes are swollen)"
cry-SIMA-3p/ind
qia-nikuu-voq "He cried (I was there)"
cry-NIKUU-3p/ind[72]
In the written language[66] and more recently also in the spoken language especially of younger speakers, sima and nikuu can be used together with adverbials referring to a particular time in the past.[74] That is, they might arguably mark time reference, but not yet systematically.
Just as Greenlandic does not systematically mark past tense, the language also does not have a future tense. Rather, it employs three different strategies to express future meaning:
suffixes denoting cognitive states that show an attitude about prospective actions.
e.g. Ilimaga-ara aasaq manna Dudley qujanar-tor-si-ffigi-ssa-llugu "I expect to get some fun out of Dudley this summer."
expect-I/3p/ind summer this Dudley be.fun-cn-get.from-expect-CONTEMPORATIVE/3p
inchoative suffixes creating telic actions which can then be understood as already having begun by virtue of the indicative mood.
e.g. Aggiuti-ler-para "I've started to bring him."
bring-begin-I/3p/ind
moods that mark the speech act as a request or wish.[75]
e.g. Qimmi-t nirukkar-niar-nigik "Let us feed the dogs, ok?"[76]
dog-pl feed-please-we/them/imp
While the status of the perfect markers as aspect is not very controversial, some scholars have claimed that Greenlandic has a basic temporal distinction between future and non-future. Especially, the suffix -ssa and handful of other suffixes have been claimed to be obligatory future markers.[77][78] However, at least for literary Greenlandic, these suffixes have been shown to have other semantics that can be used to refer to the future via the strategies just described.[79]
Noun incorporation
There is also a debate in the linguistic literature whether Greenlandic has noun incorporation. This is because Greenlandic does not allow the kind of incorporation common in many languages in which a noun root can be incorporated into almost any verb to form a verb with a new meaning. On the other hand, Greenlandic does often form verbs that include noun roots. The question then becomes whether to analyse these verb formations as incorporation or as denominal derivation of verbs. Greenlandic has a number of morphemes that require a noun root as their host and which form complex predicates that correspond closely in meaning to what is often seen in languages that have canonical noun incorporation. Linguists who propose that Greenlandic does have incorporation argue that these morphemes are in fact verbal roots that must obligatorily incorporate nouns to form grammatical clauses.[47][80][81][82][83][84] This argument is supported by the fact that many of the derivational morphemes that form denominal verbs work almost identically to canonical noun incorporation. They allow the formation of words with a semantic content corresponding to an entire English clause with verb, subject and object. Another argument is that the morphemes used to derive denominal verbs come from historical noun incorporating constructions that have become fossilized.[85] Other linguists maintain that the morphemes in question are simply derivational morphemes that allow the formation of denominal verbs. This argument is supported by the fact that the morphemes cannot occur without being latched on to a nominal element.[86][87][88] The examples below illustrate how Greenlandic forms complex predicates including nominal roots.
qimmeq "dog" + -qar- "have" (+ -poq "3p")
qimme-qar-poq "She has a dog"
illu "house" + -'lior- "make"
illu-lior-poq "She builds a house"
kaffi "coffee" + -sor- "drink/eat"
kaffi-sor-poq "She drinks coffee"
puisi "seal" + -nniar- "hunt"
puisi-nniar-poq "She hunts seal"
allagaq "letter" + -si- "receive"
allagar-si-voq "She has received a letter"
anaana "mother" + -a- "to be"
anaana-a-voq "She is a mother"
Nouns
Nouns are obligatorily inflected for case and number and optionally for number and person of possessor. Singular and plural are distinguished and 8 cases used: absolutive, ergative (relative), instrumental, allative, locative, ablative, prosecutive (also called vialis or prolative), and equative.[89] Case and number are marked by a single suffix. Nouns can be derived from verbs or from other nouns by a number of suffixes, e.g. atuar- "to read" + -fik "place" becomes atuarfik "school" and atuarfik + -tsialak "something good" becomes atuarfitsialak "good school".
The fact that the possessive agreement suffixes on nouns and the transitive agreement suffixes on verbs in a number of instances have similar or identical shapes has even resulted in the theory that Greenlandic has a distinction between transitive and intransitive nouns, parallel to the same distinction in the verbs.[90][note 10]
Pronouns
There are personal pronouns for first-, second-, and third-person singular and plural. These pronouns are optional as subjects or objects, but only when the verbal inflection refers to such arguments.[91]
Personal pronouns
SingularPlural
First personuangauagut
Second personillitilissi
Third personunauku
Personal pronouns are, however, necessary in the oblique case:
ilin-nut niri-qu-aa
thou all. eat tell-to 3s-3s-indic.
'He told you to eat it'
Case
The two grammatical core cases ergative and absolutive are used to express grammatical and syntactical roles of participant noun phrases. The oblique cases express information related to movement and manner.
3. Kalaallisut
case endings
casesingularplural
Absolutive-q/-t/-k/-Ø-(i)t
Ergative-(u)p-(i)t
Instrumental-mik-nik
Allative-mut-nut
Locative-mi-ni
Ablative-mit-nit
Prosecutive-kkut-tigut
Equative-tut-tut
angu-t neri-voq "The man eats"
man-abs eat-3p
angu-tip puisi neri-vaa "The man eats the seal"
man-erg seal-abs eat-3p/3p
The instrumental case is versatile. It is used for the instrument with which an action is carried out, for oblique objects of intransitive verbs (also called antipassive verbs)[47][92][93] and for secondary objects of transitive verbs.[94]
nano-q savim-mi-nik kapi-vaa "He stabbed the bear with his knife"
polar bear-abs knife-his.own-instr stab-3p/3p
kaffimik tor-tar-poq "She usually drinks coffee"
coffee-instr drink-usually-3p
Piitaq savim-mik tuni-vara "I gave Peter a knife"
Peter-abs knife-instr give-I/3p
It is also used to express the meaning of "give me" and for forming adverbs from nouns:
imer-mik! "(give me) water"
water-instr
sivisuu-mik sinip-poq "He slept late"
late-instr sleep-3p
The allative case describes movement towards something.[95]
illu-mut "towards the house"
It is also used with numerals and the question word qassit to express the time of the clock, and in the meaning "amount per unit":
qassi-nut? – pingasu-nut. "When?" – "At three o'clock"
when-all three-all
kiilu-mut tivi krone-qar-poq "It costs 20 crowns per kilo"
kilo-all twenty crown-have-3p
The locative case describes spatial location:[95]
illu-mi "in the house"
The ablative case describes movement away from something or the source of something:[95]
Rasmussi-mit allagarsi-voq "He got a letter from Rasmus"
Rasmus-abl receive.letter-3p
tuttu-mit nassuk " (antler)horn from a rein-deer"
rein.deer-abl horn
The prosecutive case describes movement through something as well as the medium of writing or a location on the body. It is also used to describe a group of people such as a family as belonging to the modified noun.[96]
matu-kkut iser-poq "He entered through the door"
door-pros enter-3p
su-kkut tillup-paatit? "Where (on the body) did he hit you?"
where-pros hit-3p/YOU
palasi-kkut "the priest and his family"
priest-pros
The equative case describes similarity of manner or quality. It is also used for deriving language names from nouns denoting nationalities, i.e. "like a person of x nationality [speaks]".[96]
nakorsatut suli-sar-poq "he works as a doctor"
doctor-equ work-hab-3p
Qallunaa-tut "Danish language (like a Dane)"
dane-equ
Possession
4. Absolutive possessive inflection for weak nouns
PossessorSingularPlural
1st person Sg.illora "my house"illukka "my houses"
2nd person Sg.illut "your house"illutit "your houses"
3rd person Sg.illua "his house"illui "his houses"
4th person Sg.illuni "his own house"illuni "his own houses"
1st person Pl.illorput "our house"illuvut "our houses"
2nd person Pl.illorsi "your (pl) house"illusi "your (pl) houses"
3rd Person Pl.illuat "their house"illui "their houses"
4th person Pl.illortik "their own house"illutik "their own houses"
In Greenlandic possession is marked on the noun which agrees with the person and number of its possessor. The possessor is in the ergative case. There are different possessive paradigms for all of the different cases.[97] Table 4 gives the possessive paradigm for the absolutive case of illu "house". Below are given examples of the use of the possessive inflection, the use of the ergative case for possessors and the use of fourth person possessors.
Anda-p illu-a "Anda's house"
Anda-erg house-3p/poss
Anda-p illu-ni taku-aa "Anda sees his own house"
Anda-erg house-4p/poss see-3p/3p
Anda-p illu-a taku-aa "Anda sees his (the other man's) house"
Anda-erg house-3p/poss see-3p/3p
Vocabulary
The orthography and vocabulary of the Greenlandic language is governed by Oqaasileriffik, the Greenlandic language secretariat, located in the Ilimmarfik university campus in Nuuk.
Greenlandic vocabulary is mostly inherited from Proto-Eskimo–Aleut, but it has also taken a large number of loans from other languages, especially from Danish. Early loans from Danish have often become acculturated to the Greenlandic phonological system, for example the Greenlandic word palasi "priest" is a loan from the Danish "præst". But since Greenlandic has an enormous potential for the derivation of new words from existing roots, many modern concepts have Greenlandic names that have been invented rather than borrowed, e.g. qarasaasiaq "computer" which literally means "artificial brain". This potential for complex derivations also means that Greenlandic vocabulary is built on very few roots which combined with affixes come to form large word families.[4] For example the root for "tongue" oqaq is used to derive the following words:
oqarpoq 'says'
oqaaseq 'word'
oqaluppoq 'speaks'
oqaasilerisoq 'linguist'
oqaasilerissutit 'grammar'
oqaluttualiortoq 'author'
oqaasipiluuppaa 'harangues him'
oqaloqatigiinneq 'conversation'
oqaatiginerluppaa 'speaks badly about him'
Lexical differences between dialects are often considerable. This is due to the earlier cultural practice of imposing taboo on words which had served as names for a deceased person. Since people were often named after everyday objects, many of these have changed their name several times because of taboo rules, causing dialectal vocabulary to diverge further.[4]
Orthography
ĸ in a Greenlandic–Danish dictionary from 1926
Greenlandic is written with the Latin script. The alphabet:
A E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V
To spell loanwords from other languages, especially from Danish and English, the additional letters B, C, D, X, Y, Z, W, Æ, Ø and Å are used.[98][99] Greenlandic uses the symbols "..." and »...« as quotation marks.
From 1851 until 1973, Greenlandic was written in the alphabet invented by Samuel Kleinschmidt. This alphabet employed the special character kra (Κʼ / ĸ) which was replaced by q in the 1973 reform.[100] In the Kleinschmidt alphabet, long vowels and geminate consonants were indicated by means of diacritics on the vowels (in the case of consonant gemination, the diacritics were placed on the vowel preceding the affected consonant). For example, the name Kalaallit Nunaat was spelled Kalâdlit Nunât. This scheme uses a circumflex accent ( ˆ ) to indicate a long vowel (e.g., ât/ît/ût, modern: aat, iit, uut), an acute accent ( ´ ) to indicate gemination of the following consonant: (i.e., á, í, ú modern: a(kk), i(kk), u(kk))] and, finally, a tilde ( ˜ ) or a grave accent ( ` ), depending on the author, indicates vowel length and gemination of the following consonant (e.g., ãt, ĩt, ũt or àt, ìt, ùt, modern: aatt, iitt, uutt). The letters ê and ô, used only before r and q, are now written ee and oo in Greenlandic. The spelling system of Nunatsiavummiutut, spoken in Nunatsiavut in northeastern Labrador, is derived from the old Greenlandic system.
Technically, the Kleinschmidt orthography focused upon morphology: the same derivational affix would be written in the same way in different contexts, despite its being pronounced differently in different contexts. The 1973 reform replaced this with a phonological system: Here, there was a clear link from written form to pronunciation, and the same suffix is now written differently in different contexts. The differences are due to phonological changes. It is therefore easy to go from the old orthography to the new (cf. the online converter)[101] whereas going the other direction would require a full lexical analysis.
Sample text
Inuit tamarmik inunngorput nammineersinnaassuseqarlutik assigiimmillu ataqqinassuseqarlutillu pisinnaatitaaffeqarlutik. Silaqassusermik tarnillu nalunngissusianik pilersugaapput, imminnullu iliorfigeqatigiittariaqaraluarput qatanngutigiittut peqatigiinnerup anersaavani.
"All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood." (Article 1 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights)
I have no clue why it crossed out everything after a certain point, but whatever.
gotcha
Greenlandic grammar is actually pretty cool though, that Wikipedia article is a good read.
gotcha
Greenlandic grammar is actually pretty cool though, that Wikipedia article is a good read.
Wiseau Films logo
Opening credits play against generic footage of Johnny stalking about San Francisco
Exterior shot of Johnny’s car pulling up outside his house
Johnny enters the living room
Johnny: Hi babe! I have something for you.
Lisa: What is it?
Johnny: Just a little something.
He playfully hides the package, then presents it to Lisa. She opens it to find a red dress.
Lisa: Johnny, it’s beautiful. Thank you. Can I try it on now?
Johnny: Sure, it’s yours.
Lisa: Wait right here. (she grabs Johnny’s tie and kisses him) I’ll try it on right now.
Johnny sits down. Cut to Lisa reemerging from the stairs in the red dress.
Johnny: Wow, you look so sexy, Lisa.
Lisa: Isn’t it fabulous?
Johnny: I would do anything for my girl.
Enter Denny
Denny: Oh hey, guys.
Johnny: Oh hi, Denny.
Denny: Wow! Look at you!
Lisa: It’s from Johnny.
Johnny: Anything for my princess! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Denny: How much was it?
Lisa: Denny, don’t ask a question like that!
Johnny: Nice to see you, Denny. I’m going to take a nap.
Denny: Can I go upstairs too?
Johnny: Ha-ha!
Lisa: Denny, I think I’m gonna join him.
Johnny: A-ha-ha.
They exit upstairs, speaking barely audibly
Lisa: I’ve got some candles upstairs.
Johnny: You always think. A-ha-ha. Alright, I’m ready.
Lisa: This is so pretty, I can’t wait for you to get it off of me.
Johnny: Oh, yeahhh.
Denny takes a bite of an apple, then follows them upstairs.
In the bedroom, Johnny and Lisa start a pillow fight.
Johnny: A-ha-ha! (incomprehensible gibberish) Ha-ha-ha! Ouch!
Denny joins in and gets clobbered as everyone laughs.
Denny: No, stop!
Johnny: Denny, do you have something else to do?
Denny: I just like to watch you guys.
Lisa: Oh, Denny, Denny, Denny boy!
Johnny: Denny, two’s great, but three’s a crowd, ha-ha.
Denny: I get it. You guys want to be alone.
Johnny: That’s the idea!
Denny: Fine. I have homework to do anyway. Bye, lovebirds!
Johnny: Bye, Denny.
Lisa: Bye, Denny.
Denny exits, and a three-minute love scene commences, scored to terrible R&B. There’s a lot of water and rose petals and naked boobs. Johnny fucks Lisa’s belly button. Afterwards they lie awkwardly in bed together, and Lisa seems bored with Johnny as he sleeps.
The alarm clock goes off at :28. Johnny gets up, smells a rose, and bares his ass to the camera. He emerges from the bathroom dressed for work and greets Lisa.
Johnny: Did you like last night?
Lisa: Yes I did.
Johnny: Ha-ha-ha.
Lisa: Can I get you anything?
Johnny: Unh-unh. I have to go now.
Lisa: Okay, bye.
Johnny: Bye.
Johnny exits. Cut to an exterior daytime shot of the house, then to the living room. Lisa answers the door, and Claudette enters.
Lisa: Hi mom, how are you?
Claudette: I’m fine, how are you? Hmmm? Okay, let’s go to the couch, and we will sit down. Now, what’s happening with you? Hmmm?
Lisa: Nothing much. Do you want some coffee?
Claudette: What’s wrong? Tell me.
Lisa: I’m not feeling good today.
Claudette: Well, why not?
Lisa: I don’t love him anymore.
Claudette: Why don’t you love him anymore? Tell me.
Lisa: He’s so boring.
Claudette: You’ve known him for over five years. You’re engaged. You said you loved him. He supports you, he provides for you, and darling, you can’t support yourself. He’s a wonderful man, and he loves you very much. And his position is very secure. And he told me he plans to buy you a house.
Lisa: That’s why he’s so boring!
Claudette: Well, what are you going to do?
Lisa: I don’t know. I don’t mind living with him.
Claudette: Well, you can’t do that. Have you talked to him about it?
Lisa: No. I don’t know what to do.
Claudette: Well, he’s a wonderful person. And he’s getting a promotion very soon. Now he bought you a car, he bought you a ring, clothes, whatever you wanted, and now you want to dump him. That’s not right. I’ve always thought of him as my son-in-law. You should marry Johnny, he would be good for you.
Lisa: I guess you’re right about that.
Claudette: Well, of course I’m right. I know men! I wasn’t born yesterday. I’m glad you’re listening to your mother. Nobody else listens to me.
Lisa: You’re probably right about that, mom.
Claudette: Well, I’m glad you’re listening to your mother. Listen, I’ve gotta go. But you remember what I told you, okay? M-hm. Bye bye now.
Claudette exits
Lisa: (sarcastically) Thanks, mom.
The same room, later in the day. Lisa picks up the phone and Mark answers on the other end.
Mark: Hello?
Lisa: Hey baby, how are you doing?
Mark: Oh hey, how you doing? Yeah, I’m very busy, what’s going on?
Lisa: I just finished talking to my mom. She gave me this big lecture about Johnny.
Mark: Look, we’ll talk about it later. I told you, I’m very busy.
Lisa: We’ll talk about it now! Whenever you say we’ll talk about it later, we never do. I can’t wait till later. I want to talk right now. You owe me one anyway.
Mark: Okay. Alright, what do you want to talk about?
Lisa: She’s a stupid bitch. She wants to control my life. I’m not going to put up with that. I’m going to do what I want to do, and that’s it. What do you think I should do?
Mark: I mean, why do you ask me? You know, you’ve been very happy with Johnny. What do you want me to say? I mean, you should enjoy your life. What’s the problem?
Lisa: Maybe, you’re right. Can I see you tomorrow?
Mark: Okay. Alright, how about noon?
Lisa: I’ll be waiting for you. Bye.
Mark: Alright, see you.
Cut to gratuitous footage of a cable car in downtown San Francisco.
Back in the room, Lisa answers the door. Mark enters.
Mark: Hi. How you doing?
Lisa: I’m fine, come in. Have a seat. (they are silent while she pours wine and offers it)
Mark: Thank you.
Lisa: It’s hot in here. (she unbuttons the top of her blouse) Do you mind?
Mark: No.
Lisa approaches Mark in her strapless black dress.
Mark: I mean the candles, the music, the sexy dress, I mean, what’s going on here?
Lisa: I like you very much, loverboy.
Mark: What are you doing this for?
Lisa: What’s the matter? Don’t you like me? I’m your girl?
Mark: Johnny’s my best friend. You’re going to be married next month. Come on.
Lisa: Forget about Johnny. This is between you and me.
Mark: I don’t think so. I’m leaving now.
Lisa: Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave. I need you. I love you. I don’t want to get married anymore. I don’t love Johnny. I dream about you. I need you to make love to me.
Mark: I don’t think so. Everything’s going to be fine, I promise.
They proceed to kiss, then have fully clothed three-minute sex on the spiral stairs to the tune of terrible R&B (“you are my rose”).
Mark: Why did you do this to me? Why? Johnny’s my best friend.
Lisa: Didn’t you enjoy it?
Mark: That’s not the point.
Lisa: I love you, Mark.
Mark: Look, you’re very attractive, alright? You’re beautiful. But we can’t do this anymore. I can’t hurt Johnny.
Lisa: I know. He’s your best friend.
Mark: Hey. This will be our secret.
They kiss.
Cut to exterior shot of a hilly San Francisco street. Johnny’s car pulls up to a flower shop.
Johnny enters the flower shop.
Johnny: Hi.
Florist: Can I help you?
Johnny: (removing sunglasses) Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses, please?
Florist: Oh hi, Johnny, I didn’t know it was you. Here you go.
Johnny: That’s me! How much is it?
Florist: It’ll be eighteen dollars.
Johnny: Here you go, keep the change. Hi doggy!
Florist: You’re my favorite customer.
Johnny: Thanks a lot, bye!
Florist: Bye bye!
Johnny exits with the roses and gets in his car.
Cut to Lisa in the room, talking on the phone.
Lisa: Yeah, delivery. 555-4828. Half Canadian bacon with pineapple, half artichoke with pesto and light on the cheese. Thanks.
She hangs up, and the doorbell rings.
Lisa: Who is it?
Denny: Denny!
Lisa: Hey Denny, how are you doing?
Denny: I’m fine. What’s new?
Lisa: Actually I’m really busy. Do you want something to drink?
Denny: No thanks. I just want to talk to Johnny. You look beautiful today. Can I kiss you?
Lisa: You are such a little brat!
Denny: I’m just kidding! I love you and Johnny.
Lisa: Okay, okay. Johnny’s going to be here any minute. You can wait if you want.
Denny: I gotta go. You’ll tell him I stopped by.
Lisa: Of course.
Denny: Bye.
Lisa: Bye, Denny.
Denny exits.
Cut to exterior shot of the house. Johnny’s car pulls up.
Johnny enters the room.
Johnny: Hi babe. These are for you. (he presents a bouquet of roses)
Lisa: Thanks honey, they’re beautiful. Did you get your promotion?
Johnny: Nah.
Lisa: You didn’t get it, did you?
Johnny: That son of a bitch told me that I would get it within three months. I save them bundles. They’re crazy. I don’t think I will ever get it. They betray me, they didn’t keep their promise, they tricked me, and I don’t care anymore.
Lisa: Did you tell them how much you save them?
Johnny: Of course, what do you think? They already put my ideas into practice. The bank saves money, and they are using me, and I am the fool.
Lisa: I still love you.
Johnny: You’re the only one who does.
Lisa: At least you have friends. I didn’t get any calls today. You’re right. The computer business is too competitive. Do you want me to order a pizza?
Johnny: Whatever, I don’t care.
Lisa: I already ordered a pizza.
Johnny: You think about everything, ha-ha.
Lisa: What’s the matter? Are you alright? It’s just a lousy promotion. You know what you need? You need a drink.
Johnny: I don’t drink, you know that!
Cut to Lisa emerging from the kitchen with, it seems, scotch and vodka.
Johnny: Ha-ha-ha-ha.
She mixes them to form scotchka.
Lisa: Don’t worry about it. It’s good for you.
Johnny: You must be crazy. I cannot drink this.
Lisa: If you love me, you’ll drink this.
She raises his glass to his mouth and he drinks.
Johnny: You’re right, it tastes good. A-ha.
Lisa: I know. I am right. Don’t worry about those fuckers. You’re a good man. Drink and let’s have some fun.
They drink. Cut to later, when they have had quite a bit to drink and Lisa is now wearing Johnny’s tie as a headband.
Johnny: Ha-ha-ha. A-ha-ha-ha. Mmm.
Lisa laughs hysterically. Johnny drops and shatters a glass.
Johnny: You have nice legs, Lisa. Ha-ha.
Lisa: (laughing) You have nice pecs.
Johnny: A-ha-ha. I’m tired, I’m wasted, I love you darling!
zorbees shoots at Tribe Rufflet.
Lisa: Come on, make love to me.
Johnny: Unhhh…
Lisa: Come on, you owe me one.
Johnny: I love you, Lisa.
Lisa: I love you, Johnny. (she rips open his shirt)
They make out on the couch, and then we cut to the bedroom for a lovemaking sequence that seems to be recut from their previous lovemaking sequence, but with a different terrible R&B song. Mercifully, it only lasts for about a minute.
Cut to the famous “painted ladies” of San Francisco.
Cut to the room.
Lisa: So I’m organizing the party for Johnny’s birthday. Can you come?
Claudette: When is it?
Lisa: Next Friday at six. It’s a surprise.
Claudette: Oh.
Lisa: You can bring someone if you want.
Claudette: Well, sure, I can come. But I don’t know if I’ll bring anybody. Oh! That jerk Harold. He wants me to give him a share of my house. That house belongs to me. He has no right. I’m not giving him a penny. Who does he think he is?
Lisa: He’s your brother!
Claudette: He’s always bugging me about my house. Fifteen years ago, we agreed, that house belongs to me. Now the value of the house is going up and he’s seeing dollar signs. Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me, and I’m dying.
Lisa: You’re not dying, mom.
Claudette: I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.
Lisa: Look, don’t worry about it. Everything will be fine. They’re curing lots of people every day.
Claudette: I’m sure I’ll be alright. Oh! I heard Edward is talking about me. He is a hateful man. Oh, I’m so glad I divorced him.
Lisa: Don’t worry about it. You just concentrate on getting well.
Claudette: Well at least you have a good man.
Lisa: You’re wrong! Mom, he’s not what you think he is. He didn’t get his promotion. And he got drunk last night. And he hit me.
Claudette: Johnny doesn’t drink! What are you talking about?
Lisa: He did last night. And I don’t love him anymore.
Claudette: Johnny is your financial security. You can’t afford to ignore this.
Lisa: Yeah, okay mom. Can I just talk to you later?
Claudette: You don’t want to talk to me.
Lisa: I just got done talking with a client, and I have to get ready to meet him. Can I just talk to you later?
Claudette: Okay. I will see you later. Bye bye.
Claudette exits. Cut to an exterior shot of the house.
Cut to the room. Michelle and Mike enter, nervously.
Michelle: How much time do we have?
Mike: I dunno, uh, a couple hours? At least.
Michelle: Well, let’s have some fun.
They sit on the couch and Mike opens a box of chocolates.
Mike: Did you, uh, know, that chocolate is the symbol of love?
Michelle: (laughing) Feed me.
Mike puts a chocolate in Michelle’s mouth and then makes out with her. He puts a chocolate on her chest and eats it off of her.
Michelle: Yum!
Mike: It’s delicious!
Michelle: Arms up! (she takes off Mike’s shirt) Chocolate is a symbol of love.
Michelle places a chocolate in Mike’s mouth and then makes out with him. She starts to go down on him, although he begins reacting with comically exaggerated orgasm faces before she’s in position to do anything.
Cut to an exterior shot of the painted ladies.
Cut to the room, where Mike and Michelle are startled by Lisa and Claudette entering.
Claudette: Hello? What are these characters doing here?
Lisa: They like to come here to do their… homework.
Claudette: What homework?
Lisa: Mom, this is Michelle’s boyfriend Mike. Mike, this is my mother.
Mike: It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Claudette: Mm.
Michelle: Uh-huh.
Mike and Michelle exit.
Claudette: Unh. Oh, all that shopping wore me out.
Denny enters.
Denny: Hi Lisa.
Lisa: Hey Denny. Denny, this is my mom. Mom, this is Denny.
Claudette: How many people come in and out of this apartment every day? This is worse than Grand Central Station!
Denny: I just need to borrow some sugar.
Lisa: Help yourself, Denny.
Denny: I also need a cup of flour and half a stick of butter.
Claudette: Doesn’t your home have a kitchen?
Denny: I’ll come back later.
Denny exits.
Claudette: Tell me, what does Denny do?
Lisa: Johnny wanted to adopt Denny. It’s really a tragedy how many kids out there don’t have parents. When Denny turned eighteen, Johnny found him a little apartment here in this building and he’s paying for it until he graduates from school. Johnny really loves Denny even though he doesn’t say it much. He’s like a father figure to him. I told you, mom, Johnny is very caring about the people in his life. And he gave Denny his own set of keys to our place.
Claudette: Please, don’t hurt Johnny. Now if you really don’t love him, so be it, but you should tell him.
Mike enters.
Mike: I forgot my, uh, book.
He grabs a book but somehow this leads to Claudette holding his underwear.
Claudette: What’s this?
Everyone laughs.
Mike: That’s nothing!
Mike takes the underwear and exits as everyone continues to laugh.
Claudette: Homework!
Lisa: (laughing) Don’t worry about it.
Claudette: If I were a burglar, you would be my best friend.
Lisa: Look, I don’t want to talk about it.
Claudette: You know I worry about you. I have to go home.
Lisa: Okay, mom.
Claudette: Bye bye.
Claudette exits.
Lisa: (sighing) Oh my god.
Cut to exterior shot of the San Francisco skyline.
Cut to the roof, where Denny is dribbling a basketball. This scene is in HD for some reason. Chris-R enters.
Chris-R: Hey, Denny.
Denny: Chris-R. I’ve been looking for you.
Chris-R: Yeah, sure you have. You have my money, right?
Denny: Yeah. It’s coming. It’ll be here in a few minutes.
Chris-R: What do you mean it’s coming, Denny? Where’s my money?
Denny: Okay. Just give me five minutes. Just give me five!
Chris-R: Five minutes? You want five fucking minutes, Denny? You know what? I haven’t got five fucking minutes! (he pulls a gun on Denny) I’m going to ask you again, Denny. Where’s my money?
Denny: I don’t have anything.
Chris-R: Where’s my money, Denny? Where’s my fucking money, Denny? What’d you do with my fucking money?
Denny: I swear to god, it’s coming!
Chris-R: Where’s my fucking money, Denny?
Denny: Put the gun down.
Mark and Johnny enter.
Chris-R: My fucking money! Where’s my fucking money, Denny?
Johnny and Mark grab Chris-R and disarm him. Lisa and Claudette enter, or rather, they are suddenly in the scene without explanation.
Lisa: What’s going on?!
Johnny and Mark haul Chris-R away amid indecipherable commotion.
Johnny: Let’s take him to the police.
Lisa: Denny, are you okay? What did that man want from you?
Denny: Nothing.
Claudette: Oh, that was not nothing!
Lisa: Tell me everything!
Claudette: You have no idea what kind of trouble you’re in here, do you?
Denny: I owe him some money.
Lisa: What kind of money?
Denny: I owe him some money.
Lisa: What kind of money?
Denny: Everything is okay, he’s gone!
Claudette: Everything is not okay. Denny, that is a dangerous man!
Denny: Calm down, he’s going to jail!
Lisa: Denny, what kind of money, just tell me!
Claudette: What do you need money for?
Lisa: Mom, please, Denny’s with me and Johnny!
Claudette: A man like that, with a gun! My god!
Lisa: Denny, look at me in the eyes and tell me the truth. We’re your friends.
Denny: I bought some drugs off of him. Things got mixed up. I didn’t mean for this to happen.
Lisa: (sobbing) Denny…
Denny: But I don’t have them anymore.
Lisa: What kind of drugs, Denny?
Denny: It doesn’t matter, I don’t have them anymore.
Claudette: It doesn’t matter? How in the hell did you get involved with drugs? What are you, giving them to him, selling them to him? Where the hell did you meet that man?
Lisa: What kind of drugs do you take?!
Denny: It’s nothing like that!
Lisa: What the hell is wrong with you?!
Denny: I just needed some money to pay off some stuff.
Lisa: How much do you have to give him?
Claudette: This is not the way you make money!
Lisa: How much?!
Denny: Stop ganging up on me!
Claudette: Well it is time somebody ganged up on you, for god’s sake! A man like that! Where in the hell did you meet a man like that?
Denny: It doesn’t matter!
Claudette: It matters a great deal! A man holds a gun on you, you almost got killed, you expect me to forget that happened?
Denny: You’re not my fucking mother!
Claudette: You listen to me, boy!
Lisa: No!
Claudette: Somebody had better do something around here.
Lisa hugs and comforts Denny. Johnny enters.
Johnny: Are you okay, Denny?
Denny: I’m okay.
Johnny: Are you okay?
Denny: I’m okay!
Mark has materialized behind Claudette and Lisa.
Claudette: What’s okay? He’s taking drugs.
Mark: Come on, stop, it was a mistake.
Claudette: A mistake, that he takes drugs.
Johnny: Let’s go home.
Mark: Come on, it’s clear.
Claudette: What’s clear? I am going to call the police.
Lisa: Mom, stop, it was Denny’s mistake, just stop!
Mark: Let’s go.
Mark and Claudette exit.
Johnny: Why did you do this? You know better, right? Why?!
Denny: I’m sorry.
Johnny: You know better, Denny, you almost got killed.
Denny: I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, I promise.
Lisa: Denny, you know that Johnny’s like your father. And we’re your friends. We’re going to help you.
Johnny: Let’s go home.
Everyone exits.
Cut to Mark on the phone with Lisa.
Lisa: I miss you.
Mark: I just saw you! What are you talking about?
Lisa: I’m just wanting to hear your sexy voice. I keep thinking about your strong hands around my body. It excites me so much. I love you.
Mark: Is Johnny there?
Lisa: He’s in the shower.
Mark: I don’t understand you. Why do you do things like this?
Lisa: Because I love you. You just don’t care, do you?
Mark: I do care. But we agreed, it’s over between us.
Lisa: I understand, it’s our secret. But I still have feelings for you. You just don’t care.
Mark: I do care!
Lisa: I have to go now. I’ll see you later, darling.
Mark: Don’t call me that.
Lisa: Okay, bye.
They hang up.
Cut to the roof. Johnny enters, mid-sentence.
Johnny: I did not hit her! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not hit her! I did not! (he throws a water bottle to the floor) Oh, hi Mark.
Opening credits play against generic footage of Johnny stalking about San Francisco
Exterior shot of Johnny’s car pulling up outside his house
Johnny enters the living room
Johnny: Hi babe! I have something for you.
Lisa: What is it?
Johnny: Just a little something.
He playfully hides the package, then presents it to Lisa. She opens it to find a red dress.
Lisa: Johnny, it’s beautiful. Thank you. Can I try it on now?
Johnny: Sure, it’s yours.
Lisa: Wait right here. (she grabs Johnny’s tie and kisses him) I’ll try it on right now.
Johnny sits down. Cut to Lisa reemerging from the stairs in the red dress.
Johnny: Wow, you look so sexy, Lisa.
Lisa: Isn’t it fabulous?
Johnny: I would do anything for my girl.
Enter Denny
Denny: Oh hey, guys.
Johnny: Oh hi, Denny.
Denny: Wow! Look at you!
Lisa: It’s from Johnny.
Johnny: Anything for my princess! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Denny: How much was it?
Lisa: Denny, don’t ask a question like that!
Johnny: Nice to see you, Denny. I’m going to take a nap.
Denny: Can I go upstairs too?
Johnny: Ha-ha!
Lisa: Denny, I think I’m gonna join him.
Johnny: A-ha-ha.
They exit upstairs, speaking barely audibly
Lisa: I’ve got some candles upstairs.
Johnny: You always think. A-ha-ha. Alright, I’m ready.
Lisa: This is so pretty, I can’t wait for you to get it off of me.
Johnny: Oh, yeahhh.
Denny takes a bite of an apple, then follows them upstairs.
In the bedroom, Johnny and Lisa start a pillow fight.
Johnny: A-ha-ha! (incomprehensible gibberish) Ha-ha-ha! Ouch!
Denny joins in and gets clobbered as everyone laughs.
Denny: No, stop!
Johnny: Denny, do you have something else to do?
Denny: I just like to watch you guys.
Lisa: Oh, Denny, Denny, Denny boy!
Johnny: Denny, two’s great, but three’s a crowd, ha-ha.
Denny: I get it. You guys want to be alone.
Johnny: That’s the idea!
Denny: Fine. I have homework to do anyway. Bye, lovebirds!
Johnny: Bye, Denny.
Lisa: Bye, Denny.
Denny exits, and a three-minute love scene commences, scored to terrible R&B. There’s a lot of water and rose petals and naked boobs. Johnny fucks Lisa’s belly button. Afterwards they lie awkwardly in bed together, and Lisa seems bored with Johnny as he sleeps.
The alarm clock goes off at :28. Johnny gets up, smells a rose, and bares his ass to the camera. He emerges from the bathroom dressed for work and greets Lisa.
Johnny: Did you like last night?
Lisa: Yes I did.
Johnny: Ha-ha-ha.
Lisa: Can I get you anything?
Johnny: Unh-unh. I have to go now.
Lisa: Okay, bye.
Johnny: Bye.
Johnny exits. Cut to an exterior daytime shot of the house, then to the living room. Lisa answers the door, and Claudette enters.
Lisa: Hi mom, how are you?
Claudette: I’m fine, how are you? Hmmm? Okay, let’s go to the couch, and we will sit down. Now, what’s happening with you? Hmmm?
Lisa: Nothing much. Do you want some coffee?
Claudette: What’s wrong? Tell me.
Lisa: I’m not feeling good today.
Claudette: Well, why not?
Lisa: I don’t love him anymore.
Claudette: Why don’t you love him anymore? Tell me.
Lisa: He’s so boring.
Claudette: You’ve known him for over five years. You’re engaged. You said you loved him. He supports you, he provides for you, and darling, you can’t support yourself. He’s a wonderful man, and he loves you very much. And his position is very secure. And he told me he plans to buy you a house.
Lisa: That’s why he’s so boring!
Claudette: Well, what are you going to do?
Lisa: I don’t know. I don’t mind living with him.
Claudette: Well, you can’t do that. Have you talked to him about it?
Lisa: No. I don’t know what to do.
Claudette: Well, he’s a wonderful person. And he’s getting a promotion very soon. Now he bought you a car, he bought you a ring, clothes, whatever you wanted, and now you want to dump him. That’s not right. I’ve always thought of him as my son-in-law. You should marry Johnny, he would be good for you.
Lisa: I guess you’re right about that.
Claudette: Well, of course I’m right. I know men! I wasn’t born yesterday. I’m glad you’re listening to your mother. Nobody else listens to me.
Lisa: You’re probably right about that, mom.
Claudette: Well, I’m glad you’re listening to your mother. Listen, I’ve gotta go. But you remember what I told you, okay? M-hm. Bye bye now.
Claudette exits
Lisa: (sarcastically) Thanks, mom.
The same room, later in the day. Lisa picks up the phone and Mark answers on the other end.
Mark: Hello?
Lisa: Hey baby, how are you doing?
Mark: Oh hey, how you doing? Yeah, I’m very busy, what’s going on?
Lisa: I just finished talking to my mom. She gave me this big lecture about Johnny.
Mark: Look, we’ll talk about it later. I told you, I’m very busy.
Lisa: We’ll talk about it now! Whenever you say we’ll talk about it later, we never do. I can’t wait till later. I want to talk right now. You owe me one anyway.
Mark: Okay. Alright, what do you want to talk about?
Lisa: She’s a stupid bitch. She wants to control my life. I’m not going to put up with that. I’m going to do what I want to do, and that’s it. What do you think I should do?
Mark: I mean, why do you ask me? You know, you’ve been very happy with Johnny. What do you want me to say? I mean, you should enjoy your life. What’s the problem?
Lisa: Maybe, you’re right. Can I see you tomorrow?
Mark: Okay. Alright, how about noon?
Lisa: I’ll be waiting for you. Bye.
Mark: Alright, see you.
Cut to gratuitous footage of a cable car in downtown San Francisco.
Back in the room, Lisa answers the door. Mark enters.
Mark: Hi. How you doing?
Lisa: I’m fine, come in. Have a seat. (they are silent while she pours wine and offers it)
Mark: Thank you.
Lisa: It’s hot in here. (she unbuttons the top of her blouse) Do you mind?
Mark: No.
Lisa approaches Mark in her strapless black dress.
Mark: I mean the candles, the music, the sexy dress, I mean, what’s going on here?
Lisa: I like you very much, loverboy.
Mark: What are you doing this for?
Lisa: What’s the matter? Don’t you like me? I’m your girl?
Mark: Johnny’s my best friend. You’re going to be married next month. Come on.
Lisa: Forget about Johnny. This is between you and me.
Mark: I don’t think so. I’m leaving now.
Lisa: Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave. I need you. I love you. I don’t want to get married anymore. I don’t love Johnny. I dream about you. I need you to make love to me.
Mark: I don’t think so. Everything’s going to be fine, I promise.
They proceed to kiss, then have fully clothed three-minute sex on the spiral stairs to the tune of terrible R&B (“you are my rose”).
Mark: Why did you do this to me? Why? Johnny’s my best friend.
Lisa: Didn’t you enjoy it?
Mark: That’s not the point.
Lisa: I love you, Mark.
Mark: Look, you’re very attractive, alright? You’re beautiful. But we can’t do this anymore. I can’t hurt Johnny.
Lisa: I know. He’s your best friend.
Mark: Hey. This will be our secret.
They kiss.
Cut to exterior shot of a hilly San Francisco street. Johnny’s car pulls up to a flower shop.
Johnny enters the flower shop.
Johnny: Hi.
Florist: Can I help you?
Johnny: (removing sunglasses) Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses, please?
Florist: Oh hi, Johnny, I didn’t know it was you. Here you go.
Johnny: That’s me! How much is it?
Florist: It’ll be eighteen dollars.
Johnny: Here you go, keep the change. Hi doggy!
Florist: You’re my favorite customer.
Johnny: Thanks a lot, bye!
Florist: Bye bye!
Johnny exits with the roses and gets in his car.
Cut to Lisa in the room, talking on the phone.
Lisa: Yeah, delivery. 555-4828. Half Canadian bacon with pineapple, half artichoke with pesto and light on the cheese. Thanks.
She hangs up, and the doorbell rings.
Lisa: Who is it?
Denny: Denny!
Lisa: Hey Denny, how are you doing?
Denny: I’m fine. What’s new?
Lisa: Actually I’m really busy. Do you want something to drink?
Denny: No thanks. I just want to talk to Johnny. You look beautiful today. Can I kiss you?
Lisa: You are such a little brat!
Denny: I’m just kidding! I love you and Johnny.
Lisa: Okay, okay. Johnny’s going to be here any minute. You can wait if you want.
Denny: I gotta go. You’ll tell him I stopped by.
Lisa: Of course.
Denny: Bye.
Lisa: Bye, Denny.
Denny exits.
Cut to exterior shot of the house. Johnny’s car pulls up.
Johnny enters the room.
Johnny: Hi babe. These are for you. (he presents a bouquet of roses)
Lisa: Thanks honey, they’re beautiful. Did you get your promotion?
Johnny: Nah.
Lisa: You didn’t get it, did you?
Johnny: That son of a bitch told me that I would get it within three months. I save them bundles. They’re crazy. I don’t think I will ever get it. They betray me, they didn’t keep their promise, they tricked me, and I don’t care anymore.
Lisa: Did you tell them how much you save them?
Johnny: Of course, what do you think? They already put my ideas into practice. The bank saves money, and they are using me, and I am the fool.
Lisa: I still love you.
Johnny: You’re the only one who does.
Lisa: At least you have friends. I didn’t get any calls today. You’re right. The computer business is too competitive. Do you want me to order a pizza?
Johnny: Whatever, I don’t care.
Lisa: I already ordered a pizza.
Johnny: You think about everything, ha-ha.
Lisa: What’s the matter? Are you alright? It’s just a lousy promotion. You know what you need? You need a drink.
Johnny: I don’t drink, you know that!
Cut to Lisa emerging from the kitchen with, it seems, scotch and vodka.
Johnny: Ha-ha-ha-ha.
She mixes them to form scotchka.
Lisa: Don’t worry about it. It’s good for you.
Johnny: You must be crazy. I cannot drink this.
Lisa: If you love me, you’ll drink this.
She raises his glass to his mouth and he drinks.
Johnny: You’re right, it tastes good. A-ha.
Lisa: I know. I am right. Don’t worry about those fuckers. You’re a good man. Drink and let’s have some fun.
They drink. Cut to later, when they have had quite a bit to drink and Lisa is now wearing Johnny’s tie as a headband.
Johnny: Ha-ha-ha. A-ha-ha-ha. Mmm.
Lisa laughs hysterically. Johnny drops and shatters a glass.
Johnny: You have nice legs, Lisa. Ha-ha.
Lisa: (laughing) You have nice pecs.
Johnny: A-ha-ha. I’m tired, I’m wasted, I love you darling!
zorbees shoots at Tribe Rufflet.
Lisa: Come on, make love to me.
Johnny: Unhhh…
Lisa: Come on, you owe me one.
Johnny: I love you, Lisa.
Lisa: I love you, Johnny. (she rips open his shirt)
They make out on the couch, and then we cut to the bedroom for a lovemaking sequence that seems to be recut from their previous lovemaking sequence, but with a different terrible R&B song. Mercifully, it only lasts for about a minute.
Cut to the famous “painted ladies” of San Francisco.
Cut to the room.
Lisa: So I’m organizing the party for Johnny’s birthday. Can you come?
Claudette: When is it?
Lisa: Next Friday at six. It’s a surprise.
Claudette: Oh.
Lisa: You can bring someone if you want.
Claudette: Well, sure, I can come. But I don’t know if I’ll bring anybody. Oh! That jerk Harold. He wants me to give him a share of my house. That house belongs to me. He has no right. I’m not giving him a penny. Who does he think he is?
Lisa: He’s your brother!
Claudette: He’s always bugging me about my house. Fifteen years ago, we agreed, that house belongs to me. Now the value of the house is going up and he’s seeing dollar signs. Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me, and I’m dying.
Lisa: You’re not dying, mom.
Claudette: I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.
Lisa: Look, don’t worry about it. Everything will be fine. They’re curing lots of people every day.
Claudette: I’m sure I’ll be alright. Oh! I heard Edward is talking about me. He is a hateful man. Oh, I’m so glad I divorced him.
Lisa: Don’t worry about it. You just concentrate on getting well.
Claudette: Well at least you have a good man.
Lisa: You’re wrong! Mom, he’s not what you think he is. He didn’t get his promotion. And he got drunk last night. And he hit me.
Claudette: Johnny doesn’t drink! What are you talking about?
Lisa: He did last night. And I don’t love him anymore.
Claudette: Johnny is your financial security. You can’t afford to ignore this.
Lisa: Yeah, okay mom. Can I just talk to you later?
Claudette: You don’t want to talk to me.
Lisa: I just got done talking with a client, and I have to get ready to meet him. Can I just talk to you later?
Claudette: Okay. I will see you later. Bye bye.
Claudette exits. Cut to an exterior shot of the house.
Cut to the room. Michelle and Mike enter, nervously.
Michelle: How much time do we have?
Mike: I dunno, uh, a couple hours? At least.
Michelle: Well, let’s have some fun.
They sit on the couch and Mike opens a box of chocolates.
Mike: Did you, uh, know, that chocolate is the symbol of love?
Michelle: (laughing) Feed me.
Mike puts a chocolate in Michelle’s mouth and then makes out with her. He puts a chocolate on her chest and eats it off of her.
Michelle: Yum!
Mike: It’s delicious!
Michelle: Arms up! (she takes off Mike’s shirt) Chocolate is a symbol of love.
Michelle places a chocolate in Mike’s mouth and then makes out with him. She starts to go down on him, although he begins reacting with comically exaggerated orgasm faces before she’s in position to do anything.
Cut to an exterior shot of the painted ladies.
Cut to the room, where Mike and Michelle are startled by Lisa and Claudette entering.
Claudette: Hello? What are these characters doing here?
Lisa: They like to come here to do their… homework.
Claudette: What homework?
Lisa: Mom, this is Michelle’s boyfriend Mike. Mike, this is my mother.
Mike: It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Claudette: Mm.
Michelle: Uh-huh.
Mike and Michelle exit.
Claudette: Unh. Oh, all that shopping wore me out.
Denny enters.
Denny: Hi Lisa.
Lisa: Hey Denny. Denny, this is my mom. Mom, this is Denny.
Claudette: How many people come in and out of this apartment every day? This is worse than Grand Central Station!
Denny: I just need to borrow some sugar.
Lisa: Help yourself, Denny.
Denny: I also need a cup of flour and half a stick of butter.
Claudette: Doesn’t your home have a kitchen?
Denny: I’ll come back later.
Denny exits.
Claudette: Tell me, what does Denny do?
Lisa: Johnny wanted to adopt Denny. It’s really a tragedy how many kids out there don’t have parents. When Denny turned eighteen, Johnny found him a little apartment here in this building and he’s paying for it until he graduates from school. Johnny really loves Denny even though he doesn’t say it much. He’s like a father figure to him. I told you, mom, Johnny is very caring about the people in his life. And he gave Denny his own set of keys to our place.
Claudette: Please, don’t hurt Johnny. Now if you really don’t love him, so be it, but you should tell him.
Mike enters.
Mike: I forgot my, uh, book.
He grabs a book but somehow this leads to Claudette holding his underwear.
Claudette: What’s this?
Everyone laughs.
Mike: That’s nothing!
Mike takes the underwear and exits as everyone continues to laugh.
Claudette: Homework!
Lisa: (laughing) Don’t worry about it.
Claudette: If I were a burglar, you would be my best friend.
Lisa: Look, I don’t want to talk about it.
Claudette: You know I worry about you. I have to go home.
Lisa: Okay, mom.
Claudette: Bye bye.
Claudette exits.
Lisa: (sighing) Oh my god.
Cut to exterior shot of the San Francisco skyline.
Cut to the roof, where Denny is dribbling a basketball. This scene is in HD for some reason. Chris-R enters.
Chris-R: Hey, Denny.
Denny: Chris-R. I’ve been looking for you.
Chris-R: Yeah, sure you have. You have my money, right?
Denny: Yeah. It’s coming. It’ll be here in a few minutes.
Chris-R: What do you mean it’s coming, Denny? Where’s my money?
Denny: Okay. Just give me five minutes. Just give me five!
Chris-R: Five minutes? You want five fucking minutes, Denny? You know what? I haven’t got five fucking minutes! (he pulls a gun on Denny) I’m going to ask you again, Denny. Where’s my money?
Denny: I don’t have anything.
Chris-R: Where’s my money, Denny? Where’s my fucking money, Denny? What’d you do with my fucking money?
Denny: I swear to god, it’s coming!
Chris-R: Where’s my fucking money, Denny?
Denny: Put the gun down.
Mark and Johnny enter.
Chris-R: My fucking money! Where’s my fucking money, Denny?
Johnny and Mark grab Chris-R and disarm him. Lisa and Claudette enter, or rather, they are suddenly in the scene without explanation.
Lisa: What’s going on?!
Johnny and Mark haul Chris-R away amid indecipherable commotion.
Johnny: Let’s take him to the police.
Lisa: Denny, are you okay? What did that man want from you?
Denny: Nothing.
Claudette: Oh, that was not nothing!
Lisa: Tell me everything!
Claudette: You have no idea what kind of trouble you’re in here, do you?
Denny: I owe him some money.
Lisa: What kind of money?
Denny: I owe him some money.
Lisa: What kind of money?
Denny: Everything is okay, he’s gone!
Claudette: Everything is not okay. Denny, that is a dangerous man!
Denny: Calm down, he’s going to jail!
Lisa: Denny, what kind of money, just tell me!
Claudette: What do you need money for?
Lisa: Mom, please, Denny’s with me and Johnny!
Claudette: A man like that, with a gun! My god!
Lisa: Denny, look at me in the eyes and tell me the truth. We’re your friends.
Denny: I bought some drugs off of him. Things got mixed up. I didn’t mean for this to happen.
Lisa: (sobbing) Denny…
Denny: But I don’t have them anymore.
Lisa: What kind of drugs, Denny?
Denny: It doesn’t matter, I don’t have them anymore.
Claudette: It doesn’t matter? How in the hell did you get involved with drugs? What are you, giving them to him, selling them to him? Where the hell did you meet that man?
Lisa: What kind of drugs do you take?!
Denny: It’s nothing like that!
Lisa: What the hell is wrong with you?!
Denny: I just needed some money to pay off some stuff.
Lisa: How much do you have to give him?
Claudette: This is not the way you make money!
Lisa: How much?!
Denny: Stop ganging up on me!
Claudette: Well it is time somebody ganged up on you, for god’s sake! A man like that! Where in the hell did you meet a man like that?
Denny: It doesn’t matter!
Claudette: It matters a great deal! A man holds a gun on you, you almost got killed, you expect me to forget that happened?
Denny: You’re not my fucking mother!
Claudette: You listen to me, boy!
Lisa: No!
Claudette: Somebody had better do something around here.
Lisa hugs and comforts Denny. Johnny enters.
Johnny: Are you okay, Denny?
Denny: I’m okay.
Johnny: Are you okay?
Denny: I’m okay!
Mark has materialized behind Claudette and Lisa.
Claudette: What’s okay? He’s taking drugs.
Mark: Come on, stop, it was a mistake.
Claudette: A mistake, that he takes drugs.
Johnny: Let’s go home.
Mark: Come on, it’s clear.
Claudette: What’s clear? I am going to call the police.
Lisa: Mom, stop, it was Denny’s mistake, just stop!
Mark: Let’s go.
Mark and Claudette exit.
Johnny: Why did you do this? You know better, right? Why?!
Denny: I’m sorry.
Johnny: You know better, Denny, you almost got killed.
Denny: I’m sorry. It won’t happen again, I promise.
Lisa: Denny, you know that Johnny’s like your father. And we’re your friends. We’re going to help you.
Johnny: Let’s go home.
Everyone exits.
Cut to Mark on the phone with Lisa.
Lisa: I miss you.
Mark: I just saw you! What are you talking about?
Lisa: I’m just wanting to hear your sexy voice. I keep thinking about your strong hands around my body. It excites me so much. I love you.
Mark: Is Johnny there?
Lisa: He’s in the shower.
Mark: I don’t understand you. Why do you do things like this?
Lisa: Because I love you. You just don’t care, do you?
Mark: I do care. But we agreed, it’s over between us.
Lisa: I understand, it’s our secret. But I still have feelings for you. You just don’t care.
Mark: I do care!
Lisa: I have to go now. I’ll see you later, darling.
Mark: Don’t call me that.
Lisa: Okay, bye.
They hang up.
Cut to the roof. Johnny enters, mid-sentence.
Johnny: I did not hit her! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not hit her! I did not! (he throws a water bottle to the floor) Oh, hi Mark.
I swear between this and Genius me getting voted out is a bad omen for these games' health X_X
HOW FAR I'LL GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
BY THE WAY:
I want to talk to you about life.
It’s just too difficult to be alive, isn’t it, and try to function?
There are all these people to deal with.
I tried to buy a can of tuna fish in the supermarket, and there was this person standing right in front of where I wanted to reach out to get the tuna fish, and I waited a while, to see if they’d move, and they didn’t—they were
looking at tuna fish too, but they were taking a real long time on it, reading the ingredients on each can like they were a book, a pretty boring book if you ask me, but nobody has; so I waited a long while, Hannahh shoots at Tribe Rufflet. and they didn’t move, and I couldn’t get to the tuna fish cans; and I thought about asking them to move, but then they seemed so stupid not to have sensed that I needed to get by them that I had this awful fear that it would do no good, no good at all, to ask them, they’d probably say something like,
“We’ll move when we’re goddam ready you nagging bitch”
Hannahg shoots at Tribe RuffIet.
and then what would I do? And so then I started to cry out of frustration, quietly, so as not to disturb anyone, and still, even though I was softly sobbing, this stupid person didn’t grasp that I needed to get by the
m, and so I reached over with my fist, and I brought it down real hard on his head and screamed: “Would you kindly move asshole!!!”
And the person fell to the ground, and looked totally st
artled, and some child nearby started to cry, and I was still crying, and I couldn’t imagine making use of the tuna fish now anyway, and so I shouted at the chil
d to stop crying—I mean, it was drawing too much
attention to me—and I ran out of the supermarket, and I thought, I’ll take a taxi to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, I need to be surrounded with culture right now, not tuna fish.
Goodnight have fun with my random spaces and shit and the monologue I did for theatre last year :]
BY THE WAY:
I want to talk to you about life.
It’s just too difficult to be alive, isn’t it, and try to function?
There are all these people to deal with.
I tried to buy a can of tuna fish in the supermarket, and there was this person standing right in front of where I wanted to reach out to get the tuna fish, and I waited a while, to see if they’d move, and they didn’t—they were
looking at tuna fish too, but they were taking a real long time on it, reading the ingredients on each can like they were a book, a pretty boring book if you ask me, but nobody has; so I waited a long while, Hannahh shoots at Tribe Rufflet. and they didn’t move, and I couldn’t get to the tuna fish cans; and I thought about asking them to move, but then they seemed so stupid not to have sensed that I needed to get by them that I had this awful fear that it would do no good, no good at all, to ask them, they’d probably say something like,
“We’ll move when we’re goddam ready you nagging bitch”
Hannahg shoots at Tribe RuffIet.
and then what would I do? And so then I started to cry out of frustration, quietly, so as not to disturb anyone, and still, even though I was softly sobbing, this stupid person didn’t grasp that I needed to get by the
m, and so I reached over with my fist, and I brought it down real hard on his head and screamed: “Would you kindly move asshole!!!”
And the person fell to the ground, and looked totally st
artled, and some child nearby started to cry, and I was still crying, and I couldn’t imagine making use of the tuna fish now anyway, and so I shouted at the chil
d to stop crying—I mean, it was drawing too much
attention to me—and I ran out of the supermarket, and I thought, I’ll take a taxi to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, I need to be surrounded with culture right now, not tuna fish.
Goodnight have fun with my random spaces and shit and the monologue I did for theatre last year :]
these young bucks don't know. You gotta remember a lot of these NBA players aren't even old enough to drink when they get in the league; they're still babies. They've been coddled their entire life, all through school and college, and now they get out in the real world with a pocket full of cash and every type of girl you could imagine trying to pull your sweatpants off. See, before you got that contract, while you were in school, you were just a prospect. You probably got a lot of attention from women, but your success wasn't a guarantee. Once you start pulling in them bucks, the type of women you encounter drastically change. Straight up jaw droppers wherever you turn. That's not an accident.
These kids don't understand that once you're in the real world, sex becomes a business move, for both parties. Even for us mortals, money is a big factor in your sex life. I don't care who you are, you know that shit is important. (Protip from Uncle Snuggie: if you got money, just don't fuck broke bitches. Just don't, change your phone number if you have to. Move to the other side of the country to somewhere broke bitches cant afford to go. They will ruin everything I don't care how pretty they are get a bitch with some capital. That's real shit. Get a Kim Kardashian. She stupid and probably can't read but she got money and won't take that much from you in divorce proceedings because of that. Be with someone who can throw in the pot too.)
Da Letter EI shoots at Tribe Rufflet.
The Dwight Howard's of the world don't understand that there's a price tag hanging off his nutsack. Dwight Howard is easily shelling out 6 figures a year per baby mama. (The fuck you need 100k a year to raise a baby? I could raise my whole hood 6 times with that kind of paper all babies need is somethin to rattle and someone to wipe they ass) That's more money than most of us will ever make in our lives, even those of us with professional and graduate degrees. 18 years, 18 years, she got one of yo kids, got you for 18 years.
I think every citizen, NBA or not, should know how divorce/family laws work, especially if you ever fuck around and get paid. You find out how much Uncle Sam will take out of your pocket cause you wanted to fuck raw and it'll turn you into a nun; keep your dick on a leash kid.
Da Letter El shoots at Tribe Rufflet.
When you're young and naive if you believe in shit like the purity of "love" and all that other liberal hippie crap Disney shoves down your throat as a child you can fall victim to a big butt and a smile quite easily.
Da Letter El shoots at Team Rufflets.
That's real shit
edit: I see this post got crossposted to /r/bestof, but more disturbingly /r/theredpill, and let me tell you trenchcoat wearing neckbeards something before yall try to crown me the king of you dry dick mother fuckers. For all the colossal shitting I just did on hoes in this post, this is not in any way representative of the female population at large. I'm simply speaking on a small, super super small, minority subculture. I would never imply or suggest that all women, not even a majority, are out here throwin the pussy like a boomerang hoping to catch some rich dude sperm. I still put ladies above everything. That's still your mama, that's still your sister, that's still the mother of your children. This post is not meant to be critical of women; rather, its meant to be critical of money and the economy (created by dudes) that women are forced to live in. It's not because women are manipulative, its because men are fucking retarded, I stated that from the jump. Cons come in all genders, if men could get a cozy 18 year stipend from fucking Hillary Clinton there would be a line of thirst wrapped around the white house. Even though I shits on these hoes, I still respect them like they my own family, because they are. I'm familiar with TRP, yall the most salty, confused, sexually depraved group of misogynistic no pussy gettin dudes I ever seen, that's real. Ain't no need to start a war on women cause you ugly and you ain't got no money and you fell for the sweet smell of that vaginal lining. That's on you dude; blaming the pussy for this is like blaming video games for school violence. At some point you took the stupidity into your own hands. That ain't the wave yall
These kids don't understand that once you're in the real world, sex becomes a business move, for both parties. Even for us mortals, money is a big factor in your sex life. I don't care who you are, you know that shit is important. (Protip from Uncle Snuggie: if you got money, just don't fuck broke bitches. Just don't, change your phone number if you have to. Move to the other side of the country to somewhere broke bitches cant afford to go. They will ruin everything I don't care how pretty they are get a bitch with some capital. That's real shit. Get a Kim Kardashian. She stupid and probably can't read but she got money and won't take that much from you in divorce proceedings because of that. Be with someone who can throw in the pot too.)
Da Letter EI shoots at Tribe Rufflet.
The Dwight Howard's of the world don't understand that there's a price tag hanging off his nutsack. Dwight Howard is easily shelling out 6 figures a year per baby mama. (The fuck you need 100k a year to raise a baby? I could raise my whole hood 6 times with that kind of paper all babies need is somethin to rattle and someone to wipe they ass) That's more money than most of us will ever make in our lives, even those of us with professional and graduate degrees. 18 years, 18 years, she got one of yo kids, got you for 18 years.
I think every citizen, NBA or not, should know how divorce/family laws work, especially if you ever fuck around and get paid. You find out how much Uncle Sam will take out of your pocket cause you wanted to fuck raw and it'll turn you into a nun; keep your dick on a leash kid.
Da Letter El shoots at Tribe Rufflet.
When you're young and naive if you believe in shit like the purity of "love" and all that other liberal hippie crap Disney shoves down your throat as a child you can fall victim to a big butt and a smile quite easily.
Da Letter El shoots at Team Rufflets.
That's real shit
edit: I see this post got crossposted to /r/bestof, but more disturbingly /r/theredpill, and let me tell you trenchcoat wearing neckbeards something before yall try to crown me the king of you dry dick mother fuckers. For all the colossal shitting I just did on hoes in this post, this is not in any way representative of the female population at large. I'm simply speaking on a small, super super small, minority subculture. I would never imply or suggest that all women, not even a majority, are out here throwin the pussy like a boomerang hoping to catch some rich dude sperm. I still put ladies above everything. That's still your mama, that's still your sister, that's still the mother of your children. This post is not meant to be critical of women; rather, its meant to be critical of money and the economy (created by dudes) that women are forced to live in. It's not because women are manipulative, its because men are fucking retarded, I stated that from the jump. Cons come in all genders, if men could get a cozy 18 year stipend from fucking Hillary Clinton there would be a line of thirst wrapped around the white house. Even though I shits on these hoes, I still respect them like they my own family, because they are. I'm familiar with TRP, yall the most salty, confused, sexually depraved group of misogynistic no pussy gettin dudes I ever seen, that's real. Ain't no need to start a war on women cause you ugly and you ain't got no money and you fell for the sweet smell of that vaginal lining. That's on you dude; blaming the pussy for this is like blaming video games for school violence. At some point you took the stupidity into your own hands. That ain't the wave yall
There are some comments I need to make regarding Hal Apricity. Rather than attempting a representative sampling or making any pretense to comprehensiveness, this letter will focus primarily on the subset of Hal's conceits that cheat on taxes. A nation concerned about the economic, public-health, and security consequences of atmospheric pollution, climate change, sea-level rise, and diminishing supplies of fresh water can do all sorts of things to instill a sense of responsibility and maturity in those who paint pictures of peremptory worlds inhabited by iniquitous gilly-gaupuses. Alas, such efforts will be for naught without universal acknowledgment that Hal has certainly never given evidence of thinking extensively. Or at all, for that matter. Although brevity is the soul of wit I do need to say quite a bit more about how when given the chance to attack his detractors and be absolutely dirty, he seldom disappoints. For example, Hal called some of his critics “debauched blatherers” simply because they happened to observe that Hal's sense of humor runs the gamut from rude and crude to voluble and odious. That's too big of a subject to get into here so let me instead discuss how it's common to hear satanic, merciless heresiarchs conflate two basic arguments when trying to make a point about parasitism. The first argument, with which I strongly disagree, is that Hal should be allowed to sow the seeds of discord. The second argument, which I, speaking as someone who is not a batty doryphore, enjoy but which Hal and company are sure to find offensive, is that Hal accuses his foes of being huffy, garrulous moonbats. As I always say, it takes one to know one. To state that a bit less childishly, it is hardly surprising that Hal wants to shout direct personal insults and invitations to exchange fisticuffs. After all, this is the same egotistical New Age coward whose wicked prattle informed us that criminals are merely social rebels.
Hal used to be a major proponent of desperadoism. Nowadays, he's putting all of his support behind pharisaism. As they say, plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose. His behavior is totally out of line. It's also true that Hal demonstrates a terrible, inaccurate, even cullionly, misuse of history with his clumsy viewpoints, but that'll have to be a subject for another letter. After reading everything I could find on this subject I was forced to conclude that we must indubitably find new pathways out of the traps that he has laid for us. Does that sound extremist? Is it too cacodemonic for you? I'm sorry if it seems that way, but that's life.
Hal's apologists believe that Hal was chosen by God as the trustee of His wishes and desires. It should not be surprising that they believe this, however. As we all know, minds that have been so maimed that they believe that Hal's demands enhance performance standards, productivity, and competitiveness can believe anything, especially if it's false. He is more than merely thoughtless. He's über-thoughtless. In fact, Hal is so thoughtless that someone once said to me, “I know in my heart of hearts that the downward spiral of society and the concomitant growing threat of exhibitionism are the natural results of Hal's unpatriotic taunts.” This phrase struck me so forcefully that I have often used it since. Make special note of that point because Hal plans to thrust all of us into scenarios rife with personal animosities and petty resentments. He has instructed his dupes, who are legion, not to discuss this or even admit to his plan's existence. Obviously, Hal knows he has something to hide.
I wish I knew when Hal was planning on unleashing his next volley of unbalanced tirades. Alas, I'm no Nostradamus. Nevertheless, some of my predictions have come true in spades. For instance, I predicted ages ago that Hal would concoct labels for people, objects, and behaviors in order to manipulate the public's opinion of them, and look what happened. Even scarier, I predicted that Hal would convince people that their peers are already riding the Hal Apricity bandwagon and will think ill of them if they don't climb aboard, too. Although most people doubted that prediction when I made it, they neglected to consider that Hal says that there is an international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids. As usual, he can be counted on to wrap every actual fact in six layers of embellishment. The truth is that Hal thinks it's good that his modes of thought use scapegoating as a foil to draw anger away from more accurate targets. It is difficult to know how to respond to such monumentally misplaced values, but let's try this: He has a talent for inventing fantasy worlds in which the ideas of “freedom” and “corporatism” are Siamese twins. Then again, just because Hal is a prolific fantasist doesn't mean that the rules don't apply to him.
Despite what you may have been taught in school, when I was growing up, we were taught that one should always try to stand up and fight for our heritage, traditions, and values. Nowadays, it seems that more and more kids are being taught that the majority of uppish Hal Apricity clones are heroes, if not saints. You can thank Hal for this putrid pedagogical viewpoint, especially given that he wants to heat the cauldron of terror until it boils over into our daily lives. Personally, I don't want that. Personally, I prefer freedom. If you also prefer freedom then you should be working with me to ring the bells of truth.
Hal is utterly versipellous. When he's among plebeians, Hal warms the cockles of their hearts by remonstrating against obscurantism. But when Hal is safely surrounded by his grunts, he instructs them to plague our minds. That type of cunning two-sidedness tells us that it strikes me as amusing that Hal complains about people who do nothing but complain. Well, news flash! He does nothing but complain. He has brainwashed a large number of people into believing that the only way to expand one's mind is with drugs—or maybe even chocolate. Alas, we can't change people's minds overnight, and we can't instantly and totally dispel the delusions implanted by Hal's disingenuous lies, but we can debunk the nonsense spouted by Hal's aides-de-camp. That might help a few brainwashees see that thanks to Hal's manipulative smears, crime and lawlessness among jejune, impertinent lobcocks is now far more rife than ever before. Now let us consider a more concrete example of his desire to place our children at imminent risk of serious harm. In particular, think about the way that whenever I hear Hal's drudges witter on about how Hal's hypnopompic insights provide a liberating insight into life, the universe, and everything, I interpret this poppycock as an implicit request for chemical treatment of their rampant (and generally unacknowledged) Asperger syndrome.
Unfortunately, randy loblollies who open new avenues for the expression of hate make no effort to contend with the inevitable consequences of that action. Hal's ability to capitalize on the economic chaos, racial tensions, and social discontent of the current historical moment can be explained in large part by the following. Hal's sallies are petty by any measure. Given that they're intended to rifle, pillage, plunder, and loot, they come close to being a crime. Hal's efforts to increase subservience to his monolithic engine of nosism are the reason we have so many problems today with alienation, drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and aimlessness on the part of our young people. If you don't believe me, see for yourself. Hal does not want to organize a troika of dimwitted, brazen philologasters, costive mountebanks, and sinister attercops with the sole purpose of poking and prying into every facet of our lives because he is insincere, subhuman, moonstruck, and linguacious (though, granted, Hal is all of the aforementioned) but rather because Hal insists that lots of people want him to prop up corrupt despots around the world. I don't know about you, but I have never met such people. I don’t even know who they are. But I do know that when people see detestable sybarites behaving like detestable sybarites they begin to realize that almost every day, Hal outreaches himself in setting new records for arrogance, deceit, and greed. It's undoubtedly breathtaking to watch him.
Hal's cold, analytical approach to ruffianism doesn't take into account the human element. In particular, those who have been hurt by ruffianism know that Hal likes to brag about how the members of his peuplade are ideologically diverse. Perhaps that means that some of them prefer Stalin over Hitler. In any case, only vain, squalid libertines are capable of imagining that students should be molded into “change agents” to promote Hal's jackbooted agenda. Now I could go off on that point alone, but I think I know why he's so intent on cementing the foundation of our currently metastasizing police state into the law of the land. Hal uses such behavior as a hollow, saccharine palliative for a soul wrenched by serious internal contradictions. This explains why he likes to seem smarter than he really is. It therefore always amuses me whenever Hal cracks open a thesaurus, aims for intellectualism, misses, and lands squarely in a puddle of loathsome frippery.
In conscientious deference to truth, let it be made known and acknowledged that those who have most injured and oppressed humanity, who have most deeply sinned against it, are, according to Hal's standards and conscience, good people. Apparently, bad people are those who have noticed that bitterness seeps out of Hal like blood from an underdone ribeye steak. That extreme bitterness is, as far as I can tell, what leads him to sidetrack us so we can't lay the groundwork for an upcoming attempt to make a cause célèbre out of exposing his allegations for what they really are. THE_SCIATIC_NERVE shoots at Tribe Rufflets.
So what are the facts and what is the truth about Hal? The most important fact is that he insists that drug money is being used to pay for the construction of huge underground cities intended to house both humans and aliens who serve a secret, transnational shadow government. I'd like to explain to Hal how he's wrong, but I fear he wouldn't be capable of understanding what I said. Sad. As a result, I'll merely tell Hal in the simplest terms possible that many people think of his militant, chippy bunco games as a joke, as something only half-serious. In fact, they're deadly serious. They're the tool by which intolerant testy-types will undermine the intellectual purpose of higher education in the immediate years ahead. A second all-too-serious item is that we need to bring elitism to its knees. Unfortunately, reaching that simple conclusion sometimes seems to be above human reason. But there is a wisdom above human, and to that we must look if we are ever to cross-examine Hal's rash asseverations. Let me close by reminding you that Hal Apricity's long-term stratagems of infiltration and mass propaganda have been so successful that Hal can now plunge us into the vortex of warlordism.
<Jerry and Kramer in an alley>
JERRY: Why were you making gravel?
KRAMER: Well ... I like the sound it makes when you walk on it.
Hey, those look familiar.
JERRY: Of course. It's garbage.
KRAMER: No, no, no, no. These brown things. The chairs. Jerry, this is the set from the old Merv Griffin
Show! They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian!
JERRY: Yeah, at least in the dumpster behind the Smithsonian.
KRAMER: Look at this. Boy, one minute Elliot Gold is sitting on you and the next thing -
you're yesterday's trash.
JERRY: Come on, Kramer, get out of there.
KRAMER: No, no, no. You go on ahead. I'm not finished taking this in.
Oh, Jerry look ... Merv Griffin's cigar.
JERRY: <moans>
<In George's car>
GEORGE: You know I uh, spilled a yohgurt smoothie in here two days ago. Can't smell anything, can
y'a?
MIRANDA: Banana?
GEORGE: Right.
MIRANDA: George watch out for those pigeons.
GEORGE: Oh they'll get out of the way. You really smell banana?
<George hits the pigeons.>
MIRANDA: Oh my God. Oh.
GEORGE: So uh where are we eating?
<Celia's apartment>
JERRY: And it was his idea to put a sprig of parsley on the plate.
CELIA: You're making this up. There was never a Joseph Garnish.
JERRY: Wow!
CELIA: Oh yeah the toys.
JERRY: Where did you get all these?
CELIA: My dad was a collector. I inherited them after he died from a long and painful bout ...
JERRY: Super bowl! Hey, an original G. I. Joe. With a full frogman suit.
CELIA: Jerry, what are you doing?
JERRY: I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink.
CELIA: No Jerry. They're priceless. They've never been played with.
JERRY: I just want to touch them a little.
CELIA: I said no. Now come here.
<Peterman's>
LOU: Hi I'm Lou Filerman. I'm new here.
ELAINE: Hey Walter what is the deal with that guy?
WALTER: Oh he's Lou Filerman. He's new here. Hey your coffee stain looks like Fidel Castro.
ELAINE: You've been an enormous help.
<Monk's>
JERRY: You ran over some pigeons? How many?
GEORGE: What ever they had. Miranda thinks I'm a butcher but it's not my fault is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?
JERRY: Of course. We have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue defecation.
GEORGE: Right! And these pigeons broke the deal. I will not accept the blame for this.
JERRY: So Maranda's cooled on y'a?
GEORGE: I'm getting nothing.
JERRY: Yeah, me neither.
GEORGE: Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together?
JERRY: Oh, the sex is wild but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it!
<Elaine enters>
GEORGE: I don't understand women.
JERRY: Here comes one.
ELAINE: Hey. What's going on?
GEORGE: Hey <sees coffee marks> Art Garfunkle?
ELAINE: No, Castro.
GEORGE: Right.
ELAINE: All because of this creepy new guy at work. He just - he just comes out of nowhere and he's right
next to you!
JERRY: So he just sidles up?
ELAINE: That's right! He's a real sidler.
JERRY: Maybe you didn't see him.
ELAINE: You never see him. He sidled me again in my office. I was sitting there making a cup of soup
singing that song from "The Lion King".
JERRY: Hakuna Matata?
ELAINE: I thought I was alone.
JERRY: That doesn't make it right.
<Outside Jerry's apartment door>
JERRY: See, to me, the Hakuna Matata is not nearly as embarrassing as the cup of soup ...
ELAINE: Would you just let it go?
KRAMER: Hey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey!
JERRY: Oh my God!
KRAMER: It's the Merv Griffin set
JERRY: How did you get this in here?
KRAMER: Oh, you just bring it in sideways and hook it.
JERRY: So where are you gonna sleep?
KRAMER: Yeah ... backstage.
ELAINE: Phew! This chair smells like garbage.
KRAMER: Oh, well a lot of the stars from the 70's - they were not as hygienic as they appeared on TV
yeah, you can take Mannix for example.
<phone rings>
JERRY: I'm gonna get that.
KRAMER: All right. Well, Jerry, we'd love to have you back anytime< Jerry exits> Well, Elaine Benes!
Well, it's great to have you! <Elaine suts down> Why, is it possible that you are even more
beautiful than the last time I saw you?
ELAINE: <giggles>
< Central Park>
<George runs at pigeons. They don't move for him>
GEORGE: We had a deal!
< Peterman's Office>
ELAINE: Mr. Peterman, here are these pages that you wanted.
PETERMAN: One moment. I'm reading the most fascinating article on the most fascinating people of the
year. Annnnnd done. Oh, yes. I'm sorry I needed this so quickly. It must have been an
awful lot of work. Thank you very much, you two.
ELAINE: What?
<Lou Filerman is standing behind her>
< Kramer's Apartment>
JERRY: So three dates and she still won't let me play with her toys.
KRAMER: That's interesting. You know someone mentioned to me you were not very happy with your toys growing up.
JERRY: Yeah, that was me.
KRAMER: Oh, that's right, right, right. And uh you mentioned that uh, you didn't get a G.I. Joe. You had.
JERRY: An Army Pete.
KRAMER: Right.
JERRY: He was made of wood and in the rain he would swell up and then split.
KRAMER: And we all know how painful that can be.
<Elaine enters>
ELAINE: Jerry
KRAMER: Oh, Elaine Benes. Well, this is quite a thrill, yes. Come on sit down. Yes.
ELAINE: Well, I'll tell ya, this sidler guy is really chapping my hide.
KRAMER: Excuse me yeah. We're talking ... this way.
ELAINE: Well, he's getting credit for work I did! He's gonna sidle me right out of a job.
KRAMER: Now, for those of us who don't know, uh, sidling is what?
ELAINE: Kramer, what is wrong with you?
KRAMER: What do you mean?
ELAINE: Well, for starters, you're looking at note cards <to Jerry> I'm gonna have to give that guy a taste
of his own medicine, so, I'm going to sidle the sidler.
JERRY: You, sidle? You ... you stomp around like a Clydesdale!
ELAINE: Not with these honeys. ... Wrestling shoes!
KRAMER: Only in New York. ... ha ha
GEORGE: Jerry?
<George enters>
KRAMER: Oh! Well, ladies and gentlemen! It's our good friend, George Costanza! What a surprise!
Yeah, sit, sit, sit.. Weeell!
GEORGE: Well, it happened again.
JERRY: What happened?
KRAMER: tut tut , I'll ask the questions. What happened?
GEORGE: Well, I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They - they didn't move.
KRAMER: All right, let's change the subject. Now, uh you and Jerry dated for a while. Tell us ... what
was that like? That was the wrong card.
zorbees shoots at Tribe Rufflets
GEORGE: I I don't get these birds! They're breaking the deal. It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me!
JERRY: So they're like everyone else.
KRAMER: <laughs too loudly> All right, let's take a short break. .... Okay! We're back!
<George's Car>
GEORGE: Boy that bank clock is eight minutes off.
MIRANDA: Then why don't you just run IT over too?
GEORGE: Zing.
MIRANDA: George, what are you doing?
GEORGE: Did you see that? That-that pigeon didn't move! I had to swerve to get out of the way! I saved
that pigeons life!
MIRANDA: What pigeon? You drove right onto that squirrel. <leaves the car>
GEORGE: Squirrel? Well, we have no deal with THEM!
< Celia's Apartment>
<Jerry tries to play with the toys>
CELIA: Jerry! Those hands! They never stop!
JERRY: I'm sorry. You got any booze? Let's say you and I get ripped!
CELIA: No thanks. I have a headache. Can you just get me an aspirin?
JERRY: All right. <Jerry checking in the medicine cabinet for bottles that say "cause drowsiness">
< Peterman's office>
LOU: Here's the new copy you wanted.
PETERMAN: Ah, yes. Well this certainly looks like a lot of words. In record time. I'm very impressed ...
with both of you.
ELAINE: <quietly standing behind Lou> Thank you. ha ha
PETERMAN: Unfortunately, I am also disgusted. This is incoherent dribble! This is a total redo and I'm
assuming I need it right away.
ELAINE: Well, I guess we'll just <Lou has left> Hey, just gimme that.
< Celia's apartment>
JERRY: <playing with the toys while Celia is sleeping> Mission accomplished! Back to base, Joe.
<Veterinarian's office>
MIRANDA: Doctor, is the squirrel going to live?
DOCTOR: There's been massive trauma. We could of course try to save him but it would be costly,
difficult and we'd have to send away for some special really tiny instruments.
GEORGE: Well, uh, are there any other options?
DOCTOR: We could put him to sleep.
GEORGE: What might that cost?
DOCTOR: Well, it's by the pound. So ... about 80 cents.
GEORGE: Well? <Miranda hits George> I was just - I'm curious, that's all. We, uh. we'd like you to do
everything possible.
DOCTOR: He, um. he's not going to be the same, you know?
GEORGE: yeah. yeah. I know.
< Kramer's apartment>
GEORGE: So they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.
KRAMER: El Paso? I spent a month there one night.
NEWMAN: <laughs>El Paso!
JERRY: What's he here for?
KRAMER: To take some of the pressure off of me. So, Jerry, what's going on with you? I understand
there's a young lady in your life. mmm
JERRY: Well, actually, it's kind of a funny story because she has this amazing toy collection and last night
I finally got to play with them.
KRAMER: Well. It sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear wedding bells?
NEWMAN: Are you married right now?
JERRY: Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and
I guess she passed out!
KRAMER: What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?
JERRY: She's even got that old Matel football game that we love!
GEORGE: Oh, come on! You gotta get me over there!
KRAMER: Wait a minute, wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take
advantage of her toys? Let's pause a moment. Jerry, now, what you do with your personal
life is your business, but when you're on my set - you clean it up, mister!
NEWMAN: I told you he was a risk.
JERRY: Oh, like he's not just carrying you! And has been for years!
NEWMAN: Yeah? Well, you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs!
KRAMER: Smile, everyone! We're back!
< Elaine's office>
LOU: You wanted to see me, Elaine?
ELAINE: Yes, Lou. you've got a lot going for you. You're, ... um ... you're spontaneous. You're
symmetrical. You're, uh, ... you're very quick, aren't y'a?. It's just that your...
LOU: My dead tooth?
ELAINE: No. Your. <breathes>
LOU: My breath?
ELAINE: Eechh.
LOU: What can I do?
ELAINE: Well, you should never ever go anywhere without these. <Tic Tacs>
LOU: Thanks, Elaine. You're such a super lady! <he clicks ans clicks now when he walks>
< Celia's apartment>
GEORGE: More wine and turkey? <Pours Celia more wine>
JERRY: So when I saw George on the street with an 18 pound turkey and a giant box of wine, I thought:
... What a coincidence. We're just about to eat.
CELIA: What is that stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy?
JERRY and GEORGE: Triptaphen.
JERRY: ... I think. Have some more wine.
CELIA: What video did you get?
JERRY: Oh, George brought home movies of his boyhood trip to Michigan.
GEORGE: Four hours.
JERRY: More heavy gravy?
<Celia is sleeping >
GEORGE: <playing with toys> Yes! Touch down! Your turn, Jerry.
< Kramer's apartment>
NEWMAN: Lately, though, I've been, uh, - I've been buying the generic brand of waxed beans. you know.
I rip of the label. I can hardly tell the difference.
KRAMER: Well, we've officially bottomed out. Who's our next guest?
NEWMAN: We've got no one!
KRAMER: We need a new foreman. We should shut down and re-tool.
<pulls the plug and the show goes dark>
NEWMAN: What about a guest-host?
KRAMER: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
< Veterinarian's office>
MIRANDA: Doctor, how's the squirrel?
GEORGE: Is he dead?
DOCTOR: No. Fortunately, the special tiny instruments arrived just in time. Would you like to visit him?
MIRANDA: Yes he would.
DOCTOR: You have 30 minutes. <exits>
GOERGE: So ... uh, squirrel.
<Doctor enters>
DOCTOR: One more thing Mister Costanza, we just need to know what time you'll be picking him up
tomorrow.
GEORGE: What's that?
DOCTOR: Oh, we're discharging the squirrel. We think he'll be better off at home.
GEORGE: He has no home. He's a squirrel.
DOCTOR: Your home, Mister Costanza. Just make sure he gets his medicine six times a day and keep his
tail elevated. <exits>
<Monk's>
JERRY: Maybe it'll be fun having a pet.
GEORGE: It's not a pet! It's a wild invalid! And it knows that I tried to kill it. As soon as it gets better, it's
gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep!
<Kramer enters>
KRAMER: Jerry, what are you doin' tomorrow? I want you to come by the set.
JERRY: What about my "questionable material"?
KRAMER: Nope, we got a whole new format. Edgy, youthful, plus ... we got Jim Fowler!
JERRY: Jim Fowler? The animal guy from "Wild Kingdom" is coming to your apartment?
KRAMER: Well, I practically raised his kids.
GEORGE: That's perfect! He's a zoo guy! He take's care of animals. Can I bring the squirrel by?
KRAMER: What? Two animal acts on the same show? What is this, amateur hour? Look, George, I'm
sorry, but maybe another time, all right? <exits>
GEORGE: I gotta get to Fowler. I know that he would take this squirrel off my hands. It's practically
bionic!
<Elaine enters>
ELAINE: Hey! ha ha Nice sidle, huh? Speaking of which I think I got that problem solved.
JERRY: Tic-Tacs worked?
ELAINE: He's a human maraca.
GEORGE: Boy, my knuckles are still cramped from that football game.
ELAINE: You took him over to Celia's?
JERRY: What? It's a victimless crime.
ELAINE: What about the woman who's been drugged and taken advantage of?
JERRY: Okay, one victim.
ELAINE: I think it's unconscionable.
GEORGE: Hey, last night, I found a whole Weeble Village right behind the EZ Bake oven.
ELAINE: EZ Bake oven?
<Celia's apartment>
ELAINE: Who wants cupcake?
GEORGE: Oh, me, me, me, me, me!
JERRY: You know, that batter is, like, 30 years old.
FRANK: <on TV> You step on it and it flushes.
ELAINE: Why is your father giving a tour of a rest stop?
ESTELLE: <on TV> Stop squirming.
GEORGE: Oh, don't look. This is the part where they change me.
JERRY: You're like eight years old.
ESTELLE: <on TV> Georgie.
GEORGE: I was seven and a half.
< Elaine's office>
PETERMAN: That noise. that's the noise.
ELAINE: What?
PETERMAN: That inferno rattling sound that has plagued me these past two days - and I could not find the
source. In my office, in the hallway. even in the men's room! Shame on you, Elaine!
ELAINE: No, no, Mr. Peterman that wasn't me!
PETERMAN: That reminds me of the Hatian Voodoo rattle torture! You haven't gone over to their side
have you?
ELAINE: No Mister Peterman.
PETERMAN: Because, if I hear one more rattle - just one - your out on your can And if you are undead -
I'll find out about that too. <Exits>
<Coffee room>
ELAINE: Lou! In here! We have to talk.
LOU: Oh, right.
ELAINE: <Takes the Tic Tacs away from Lou> No, stop it! Bad voodoo. You gotta stop using these.
LOU: Why?
ELAINE: Because they're turning your teeth green?
LOU: I only buy the white ones.
ELAINE: Okay ... well then your teeth are green for a different reason. Just stop carrying these, okay?
Just ... just mouth wash.
LOU: I can't. It burns my cankers.
ELAINE: Binacca?
LOU: Again.
ELAINE: Right, right, cankers. Um, I got it! Chew gum!
LOU: I hate gum. The only guy I ever liked came with the Mickey Mouse gumball machine. They stopped
making that about 20 years ago.
ELAINE: Well, stinky, this is your lucky day.
< Kramer's apartment>
KRAMER: Okay. a little later, we're gonna be talking with animal expert Jim Fowler.
FOWLER: Where are the cameras?
KRAMER: But first, we're talking with Jerry. Okay, Jerry, uh, you drugged a woman in order to play with
her toy collection. How do you feel about that?
JERRY: It was great! I've done it a few more time since then.
KRAMER: And she doesn't know anything about this?
JERRY: No, not a thing.
Newman: laughs
KRAMER: Well, Jerry, we have a little surprise for you! Come on out, Celia!
CELIA: What kind of a sick twisted creep are you?
NEWMAN and KRAMER: Woah.
JERRY: What is this? What is she doing here?
KRAMER: It's the new format. Scandals and Animals. Go with it.
CELIA: If you think you can drug me and play with my toys, you got another thing coming, buddy!
NEWMAN: Go girl!
JERRY: Well, what kind of woman drinks a whole box of wine?
NEWMAN and KRAMER: Ohhh!
<George enters with the squirrel>
GEORGE: Mister Fowler, I have a squirrel here that is a miracle of modern science!
KRAMER: George I told you we're booked!
FOWLER: Careful. Hawks and squirrels don't get along together.
KRAMER: Ohhh. another interesting confrontation. This could be spicy. Yeah, George bring him over.
FOWLER: No, you idiot! Hawks eat squirrels!
KRAMER: Are we getting this?
<Monk's>
JERRY: So the whole set was destroyed?
KRAMER: Well, the squirrel kept scurrying and the hawk kept clawing.
GEORGE: Well, at least we know the prosthetic squirrel hips work ... sorry about the set.
KRAMER: I tell y'a it was a grind trying to fill 10 hours a week. I'm not sure I was ready to have my own
talk show set.
MIRANDA: I got the nut bread, George. Let's go. <exits>
JERRY: So the squirrel's gonna make it?
GEORGE: Yeah, he's in my bed. I'm sleeping on the couch.
JERRY: Sleeping on the couch? So you're...
GEORGE: Still getting nothing! So go ahead pigeons. Laugh it up. I'm getting in my car now and the last
think I heard ... we have NO DEAL!
< Celia's >
CELIA: I'm glad you called, Elaine. I really needed to talk to someone.
ELAINE: Oh well, hey, I dated Jerry too. I know what a monster he can be. More wine and turkey?
CELIA: Who's he? <Lou>
ELAINE: Oh, he's nobody. Hey, listen, ... let me top that off for y'a.
The End
JERRY: Why were you making gravel?
KRAMER: Well ... I like the sound it makes when you walk on it.
Hey, those look familiar.
JERRY: Of course. It's garbage.
KRAMER: No, no, no, no. These brown things. The chairs. Jerry, this is the set from the old Merv Griffin
Show! They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian!
JERRY: Yeah, at least in the dumpster behind the Smithsonian.
KRAMER: Look at this. Boy, one minute Elliot Gold is sitting on you and the next thing -
you're yesterday's trash.
JERRY: Come on, Kramer, get out of there.
KRAMER: No, no, no. You go on ahead. I'm not finished taking this in.
Oh, Jerry look ... Merv Griffin's cigar.
JERRY: <moans>
<In George's car>
GEORGE: You know I uh, spilled a yohgurt smoothie in here two days ago. Can't smell anything, can
y'a?
MIRANDA: Banana?
GEORGE: Right.
MIRANDA: George watch out for those pigeons.
GEORGE: Oh they'll get out of the way. You really smell banana?
<George hits the pigeons.>
MIRANDA: Oh my God. Oh.
GEORGE: So uh where are we eating?
<Celia's apartment>
JERRY: And it was his idea to put a sprig of parsley on the plate.
CELIA: You're making this up. There was never a Joseph Garnish.
JERRY: Wow!
CELIA: Oh yeah the toys.
JERRY: Where did you get all these?
CELIA: My dad was a collector. I inherited them after he died from a long and painful bout ...
JERRY: Super bowl! Hey, an original G. I. Joe. With a full frogman suit.
CELIA: Jerry, what are you doing?
JERRY: I'm putting this on him and we're going to the sink.
CELIA: No Jerry. They're priceless. They've never been played with.
JERRY: I just want to touch them a little.
CELIA: I said no. Now come here.
<Peterman's>
LOU: Hi I'm Lou Filerman. I'm new here.
ELAINE: Hey Walter what is the deal with that guy?
WALTER: Oh he's Lou Filerman. He's new here. Hey your coffee stain looks like Fidel Castro.
ELAINE: You've been an enormous help.
<Monk's>
JERRY: You ran over some pigeons? How many?
GEORGE: What ever they had. Miranda thinks I'm a butcher but it's not my fault is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?
JERRY: Of course. We have a deal. They get out of the way of our cars, we look the other way on the statue defecation.
GEORGE: Right! And these pigeons broke the deal. I will not accept the blame for this.
JERRY: So Maranda's cooled on y'a?
GEORGE: I'm getting nothing.
JERRY: Yeah, me neither.
GEORGE: Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together?
JERRY: Oh, the sex is wild but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it!
<Elaine enters>
GEORGE: I don't understand women.
JERRY: Here comes one.
ELAINE: Hey. What's going on?
GEORGE: Hey <sees coffee marks> Art Garfunkle?
ELAINE: No, Castro.
GEORGE: Right.
ELAINE: All because of this creepy new guy at work. He just - he just comes out of nowhere and he's right
next to you!
JERRY: So he just sidles up?
ELAINE: That's right! He's a real sidler.
JERRY: Maybe you didn't see him.
ELAINE: You never see him. He sidled me again in my office. I was sitting there making a cup of soup
singing that song from "The Lion King".
JERRY: Hakuna Matata?
ELAINE: I thought I was alone.
JERRY: That doesn't make it right.
<Outside Jerry's apartment door>
JERRY: See, to me, the Hakuna Matata is not nearly as embarrassing as the cup of soup ...
ELAINE: Would you just let it go?
KRAMER: Hey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey!
JERRY: Oh my God!
KRAMER: It's the Merv Griffin set
JERRY: How did you get this in here?
KRAMER: Oh, you just bring it in sideways and hook it.
JERRY: So where are you gonna sleep?
KRAMER: Yeah ... backstage.
ELAINE: Phew! This chair smells like garbage.
KRAMER: Oh, well a lot of the stars from the 70's - they were not as hygienic as they appeared on TV
yeah, you can take Mannix for example.
<phone rings>
JERRY: I'm gonna get that.
KRAMER: All right. Well, Jerry, we'd love to have you back anytime< Jerry exits> Well, Elaine Benes!
Well, it's great to have you! <Elaine suts down> Why, is it possible that you are even more
beautiful than the last time I saw you?
ELAINE: <giggles>
< Central Park>
<George runs at pigeons. They don't move for him>
GEORGE: We had a deal!
< Peterman's Office>
ELAINE: Mr. Peterman, here are these pages that you wanted.
PETERMAN: One moment. I'm reading the most fascinating article on the most fascinating people of the
year. Annnnnd done. Oh, yes. I'm sorry I needed this so quickly. It must have been an
awful lot of work. Thank you very much, you two.
ELAINE: What?
<Lou Filerman is standing behind her>
< Kramer's Apartment>
JERRY: So three dates and she still won't let me play with her toys.
KRAMER: That's interesting. You know someone mentioned to me you were not very happy with your toys growing up.
JERRY: Yeah, that was me.
KRAMER: Oh, that's right, right, right. And uh you mentioned that uh, you didn't get a G.I. Joe. You had.
JERRY: An Army Pete.
KRAMER: Right.
JERRY: He was made of wood and in the rain he would swell up and then split.
KRAMER: And we all know how painful that can be.
<Elaine enters>
ELAINE: Jerry
KRAMER: Oh, Elaine Benes. Well, this is quite a thrill, yes. Come on sit down. Yes.
ELAINE: Well, I'll tell ya, this sidler guy is really chapping my hide.
KRAMER: Excuse me yeah. We're talking ... this way.
ELAINE: Well, he's getting credit for work I did! He's gonna sidle me right out of a job.
KRAMER: Now, for those of us who don't know, uh, sidling is what?
ELAINE: Kramer, what is wrong with you?
KRAMER: What do you mean?
ELAINE: Well, for starters, you're looking at note cards <to Jerry> I'm gonna have to give that guy a taste
of his own medicine, so, I'm going to sidle the sidler.
JERRY: You, sidle? You ... you stomp around like a Clydesdale!
ELAINE: Not with these honeys. ... Wrestling shoes!
KRAMER: Only in New York. ... ha ha
GEORGE: Jerry?
<George enters>
KRAMER: Oh! Well, ladies and gentlemen! It's our good friend, George Costanza! What a surprise!
Yeah, sit, sit, sit.. Weeell!
GEORGE: Well, it happened again.
JERRY: What happened?
KRAMER: tut tut , I'll ask the questions. What happened?
GEORGE: Well, I just stomped some pigeons in the park. They - they didn't move.
KRAMER: All right, let's change the subject. Now, uh you and Jerry dated for a while. Tell us ... what
was that like? That was the wrong card.
zorbees shoots at Tribe Rufflets
GEORGE: I I don't get these birds! They're breaking the deal. It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me!
JERRY: So they're like everyone else.
KRAMER: <laughs too loudly> All right, let's take a short break. .... Okay! We're back!
<George's Car>
GEORGE: Boy that bank clock is eight minutes off.
MIRANDA: Then why don't you just run IT over too?
GEORGE: Zing.
MIRANDA: George, what are you doing?
GEORGE: Did you see that? That-that pigeon didn't move! I had to swerve to get out of the way! I saved
that pigeons life!
MIRANDA: What pigeon? You drove right onto that squirrel. <leaves the car>
GEORGE: Squirrel? Well, we have no deal with THEM!
< Celia's Apartment>
<Jerry tries to play with the toys>
CELIA: Jerry! Those hands! They never stop!
JERRY: I'm sorry. You got any booze? Let's say you and I get ripped!
CELIA: No thanks. I have a headache. Can you just get me an aspirin?
JERRY: All right. <Jerry checking in the medicine cabinet for bottles that say "cause drowsiness">
< Peterman's office>
LOU: Here's the new copy you wanted.
PETERMAN: Ah, yes. Well this certainly looks like a lot of words. In record time. I'm very impressed ...
with both of you.
ELAINE: <quietly standing behind Lou> Thank you. ha ha
PETERMAN: Unfortunately, I am also disgusted. This is incoherent dribble! This is a total redo and I'm
assuming I need it right away.
ELAINE: Well, I guess we'll just <Lou has left> Hey, just gimme that.
< Celia's apartment>
JERRY: <playing with the toys while Celia is sleeping> Mission accomplished! Back to base, Joe.
<Veterinarian's office>
MIRANDA: Doctor, is the squirrel going to live?
DOCTOR: There's been massive trauma. We could of course try to save him but it would be costly,
difficult and we'd have to send away for some special really tiny instruments.
GEORGE: Well, uh, are there any other options?
DOCTOR: We could put him to sleep.
GEORGE: What might that cost?
DOCTOR: Well, it's by the pound. So ... about 80 cents.
GEORGE: Well? <Miranda hits George> I was just - I'm curious, that's all. We, uh. we'd like you to do
everything possible.
DOCTOR: He, um. he's not going to be the same, you know?
GEORGE: yeah. yeah. I know.
< Kramer's apartment>
GEORGE: So they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.
KRAMER: El Paso? I spent a month there one night.
NEWMAN: <laughs>El Paso!
JERRY: What's he here for?
KRAMER: To take some of the pressure off of me. So, Jerry, what's going on with you? I understand
there's a young lady in your life. mmm
JERRY: Well, actually, it's kind of a funny story because she has this amazing toy collection and last night
I finally got to play with them.
KRAMER: Well. It sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear wedding bells?
NEWMAN: Are you married right now?
JERRY: Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and
I guess she passed out!
KRAMER: What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?
JERRY: She's even got that old Matel football game that we love!
GEORGE: Oh, come on! You gotta get me over there!
KRAMER: Wait a minute, wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take
advantage of her toys? Let's pause a moment. Jerry, now, what you do with your personal
life is your business, but when you're on my set - you clean it up, mister!
NEWMAN: I told you he was a risk.
JERRY: Oh, like he's not just carrying you! And has been for years!
NEWMAN: Yeah? Well, you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs!
KRAMER: Smile, everyone! We're back!
< Elaine's office>
LOU: You wanted to see me, Elaine?
ELAINE: Yes, Lou. you've got a lot going for you. You're, ... um ... you're spontaneous. You're
symmetrical. You're, uh, ... you're very quick, aren't y'a?. It's just that your...
LOU: My dead tooth?
ELAINE: No. Your. <breathes>
LOU: My breath?
ELAINE: Eechh.
LOU: What can I do?
ELAINE: Well, you should never ever go anywhere without these. <Tic Tacs>
LOU: Thanks, Elaine. You're such a super lady! <he clicks ans clicks now when he walks>
< Celia's apartment>
GEORGE: More wine and turkey? <Pours Celia more wine>
JERRY: So when I saw George on the street with an 18 pound turkey and a giant box of wine, I thought:
... What a coincidence. We're just about to eat.
CELIA: What is that stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy?
JERRY and GEORGE: Triptaphen.
JERRY: ... I think. Have some more wine.
CELIA: What video did you get?
JERRY: Oh, George brought home movies of his boyhood trip to Michigan.
GEORGE: Four hours.
JERRY: More heavy gravy?
<Celia is sleeping >
GEORGE: <playing with toys> Yes! Touch down! Your turn, Jerry.
< Kramer's apartment>
NEWMAN: Lately, though, I've been, uh, - I've been buying the generic brand of waxed beans. you know.
I rip of the label. I can hardly tell the difference.
KRAMER: Well, we've officially bottomed out. Who's our next guest?
NEWMAN: We've got no one!
KRAMER: We need a new foreman. We should shut down and re-tool.
<pulls the plug and the show goes dark>
NEWMAN: What about a guest-host?
KRAMER: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
< Veterinarian's office>
MIRANDA: Doctor, how's the squirrel?
GEORGE: Is he dead?
DOCTOR: No. Fortunately, the special tiny instruments arrived just in time. Would you like to visit him?
MIRANDA: Yes he would.
DOCTOR: You have 30 minutes. <exits>
GOERGE: So ... uh, squirrel.
<Doctor enters>
DOCTOR: One more thing Mister Costanza, we just need to know what time you'll be picking him up
tomorrow.
GEORGE: What's that?
DOCTOR: Oh, we're discharging the squirrel. We think he'll be better off at home.
GEORGE: He has no home. He's a squirrel.
DOCTOR: Your home, Mister Costanza. Just make sure he gets his medicine six times a day and keep his
tail elevated. <exits>
<Monk's>
JERRY: Maybe it'll be fun having a pet.
GEORGE: It's not a pet! It's a wild invalid! And it knows that I tried to kill it. As soon as it gets better, it's
gonna gnaw my brain out in my sleep!
<Kramer enters>
KRAMER: Jerry, what are you doin' tomorrow? I want you to come by the set.
JERRY: What about my "questionable material"?
KRAMER: Nope, we got a whole new format. Edgy, youthful, plus ... we got Jim Fowler!
JERRY: Jim Fowler? The animal guy from "Wild Kingdom" is coming to your apartment?
KRAMER: Well, I practically raised his kids.
GEORGE: That's perfect! He's a zoo guy! He take's care of animals. Can I bring the squirrel by?
KRAMER: What? Two animal acts on the same show? What is this, amateur hour? Look, George, I'm
sorry, but maybe another time, all right? <exits>
GEORGE: I gotta get to Fowler. I know that he would take this squirrel off my hands. It's practically
bionic!
<Elaine enters>
ELAINE: Hey! ha ha Nice sidle, huh? Speaking of which I think I got that problem solved.
JERRY: Tic-Tacs worked?
ELAINE: He's a human maraca.
GEORGE: Boy, my knuckles are still cramped from that football game.
ELAINE: You took him over to Celia's?
JERRY: What? It's a victimless crime.
ELAINE: What about the woman who's been drugged and taken advantage of?
JERRY: Okay, one victim.
ELAINE: I think it's unconscionable.
GEORGE: Hey, last night, I found a whole Weeble Village right behind the EZ Bake oven.
ELAINE: EZ Bake oven?
<Celia's apartment>
ELAINE: Who wants cupcake?
GEORGE: Oh, me, me, me, me, me!
JERRY: You know, that batter is, like, 30 years old.
FRANK: <on TV> You step on it and it flushes.
ELAINE: Why is your father giving a tour of a rest stop?
ESTELLE: <on TV> Stop squirming.
GEORGE: Oh, don't look. This is the part where they change me.
JERRY: You're like eight years old.
ESTELLE: <on TV> Georgie.
GEORGE: I was seven and a half.
< Elaine's office>
PETERMAN: That noise. that's the noise.
ELAINE: What?
PETERMAN: That inferno rattling sound that has plagued me these past two days - and I could not find the
source. In my office, in the hallway. even in the men's room! Shame on you, Elaine!
ELAINE: No, no, Mr. Peterman that wasn't me!
PETERMAN: That reminds me of the Hatian Voodoo rattle torture! You haven't gone over to their side
have you?
ELAINE: No Mister Peterman.
PETERMAN: Because, if I hear one more rattle - just one - your out on your can And if you are undead -
I'll find out about that too. <Exits>
<Coffee room>
ELAINE: Lou! In here! We have to talk.
LOU: Oh, right.
ELAINE: <Takes the Tic Tacs away from Lou> No, stop it! Bad voodoo. You gotta stop using these.
LOU: Why?
ELAINE: Because they're turning your teeth green?
LOU: I only buy the white ones.
ELAINE: Okay ... well then your teeth are green for a different reason. Just stop carrying these, okay?
Just ... just mouth wash.
LOU: I can't. It burns my cankers.
ELAINE: Binacca?
LOU: Again.
ELAINE: Right, right, cankers. Um, I got it! Chew gum!
LOU: I hate gum. The only guy I ever liked came with the Mickey Mouse gumball machine. They stopped
making that about 20 years ago.
ELAINE: Well, stinky, this is your lucky day.
< Kramer's apartment>
KRAMER: Okay. a little later, we're gonna be talking with animal expert Jim Fowler.
FOWLER: Where are the cameras?
KRAMER: But first, we're talking with Jerry. Okay, Jerry, uh, you drugged a woman in order to play with
her toy collection. How do you feel about that?
JERRY: It was great! I've done it a few more time since then.
KRAMER: And she doesn't know anything about this?
JERRY: No, not a thing.
Newman: laughs
KRAMER: Well, Jerry, we have a little surprise for you! Come on out, Celia!
CELIA: What kind of a sick twisted creep are you?
NEWMAN and KRAMER: Woah.
JERRY: What is this? What is she doing here?
KRAMER: It's the new format. Scandals and Animals. Go with it.
CELIA: If you think you can drug me and play with my toys, you got another thing coming, buddy!
NEWMAN: Go girl!
JERRY: Well, what kind of woman drinks a whole box of wine?
NEWMAN and KRAMER: Ohhh!
<George enters with the squirrel>
GEORGE: Mister Fowler, I have a squirrel here that is a miracle of modern science!
KRAMER: George I told you we're booked!
FOWLER: Careful. Hawks and squirrels don't get along together.
KRAMER: Ohhh. another interesting confrontation. This could be spicy. Yeah, George bring him over.
FOWLER: No, you idiot! Hawks eat squirrels!
KRAMER: Are we getting this?
<Monk's>
JERRY: So the whole set was destroyed?
KRAMER: Well, the squirrel kept scurrying and the hawk kept clawing.
GEORGE: Well, at least we know the prosthetic squirrel hips work ... sorry about the set.
KRAMER: I tell y'a it was a grind trying to fill 10 hours a week. I'm not sure I was ready to have my own
talk show set.
MIRANDA: I got the nut bread, George. Let's go. <exits>
JERRY: So the squirrel's gonna make it?
GEORGE: Yeah, he's in my bed. I'm sleeping on the couch.
JERRY: Sleeping on the couch? So you're...
GEORGE: Still getting nothing! So go ahead pigeons. Laugh it up. I'm getting in my car now and the last
think I heard ... we have NO DEAL!
< Celia's >
CELIA: I'm glad you called, Elaine. I really needed to talk to someone.
ELAINE: Oh well, hey, I dated Jerry too. I know what a monster he can be. More wine and turkey?
CELIA: Who's he? <Lou>
ELAINE: Oh, he's nobody. Hey, listen, ... let me top that off for y'a.
The End
I am angry. Angry that events have transpired that lead me to write this statement. The nitty-gritty of what I'm about to write is this: Flyhn's officialism squad is a sterile bubble of totalism. Everyone inside the bubble wants to persecute the innocent and let the guilty go unpunished. In contrast, everyone outside the bubble agrees that given a choice of having Flyhn wage a clandestine guerilla war against many basic human rights or having my bicuspids extracted sans Novocaine, I would embrace the pliers, purchase some Polident Partials, and call it a day.
I believe in “live and let live”. Flyhn, in contrast, demands not only tolerance and acceptance of his gibes but endorsement of them. It's because of such diversivolent demands that I feel that his “I'm right and you're wrong” attitude is temeritous because it leaves no room for compromise. I may be kicking a hornet's nest by writing this, but he hates it when you say that presuming a reservoir of goodness in him can be a risk. He really hates it when you say that. Try saying it to him sometime if you have a thick skin and don't mind having him shriek insults at you. Flyhn is desperate to convince us that he can achieve his goals by friendly and moral conduct. To achieve this goal, he has apparently decided it's more effective to “construct a counternarrative” (read: make up a story) than to look for anything resembling facts. This worries me because the term “idiot savant” comes to mind when thinking of Flyhn. Admittedly, that term applies only halfway to him, which is why I allege that Flyhn is often accused of seeking temporary tactical alliances with unbridled, snooty prigs in order to erect a shrine of defeatism. His thralls usually respond with a message along the lines of, “So what? At least Flyhn isn't removing society's moral barriers and allowing perversion to prosper.” I suppose there's an argument to be made for that, but aren't we forgetting that Flyhn is capable of going berserk without notice?
The whole thrust of Flyhn's denunciations bothers me. I explained the reason for that just a moment ago. If you don't mind, though, I'll go ahead and explain it again. To begin with, in public, he vehemently inveighs against corruption and sin. But when nobody's looking, he never fails to spit in the face of propriety.
There's long been a specter of recidivism floating throughout our society. However, no one has ever given it a national megaphone—until now. In particular, by making excessive use of foul language, Flyhn has made it perfectly clear that he takes things out of context, twists them around, and then neglects to provide decent referencing so the reader can check up on him. Flyhn also ignores all of the evidence that doesn't support (or in many cases directly contradicts) his position. He can't be trusted. Everything Flyhn says is a lie, and everything Flyhn does is based on a lie: his ultimata, his bromides, his ideologies—all lies, lies with flakes of truth sprinkled about to make morally questionable galoots believe them.
Impolitic, confused fogeys can go right ahead and convict me for saying that I was personally offended—and I don't easily offend—by the value Flyhn places on making me surrender to the stultifying straitjacket of barbarism, but History, acting as the goddess of a higher truth and a higher justice, will one day smilingly tear up this verdict, acquitting me of all guilt and blame. He has as little regard for our nation's laws as most celebrity couples have for their wedding vows. Every time I strike that note, which I guess I do a lot, I hear from people calling me arrogant or selfish. Here's my answer: If Flyhn is going to talk about higher standards then he needs to live by those higher standards. Although there are no formal, external validating criteria for his self-seeking claims, I think we can safely say that I can easily see Flyhn performing the following shabby acts. First, he will replicate the most temerarious structures of contemporary life. Then, he will fracture family unity. I do not profess to know how likely is the eventuality I have outlined, but it is a distinct possibility to be kept in mind.
Flyhn may be reasonably cunning with words. However, he is absolutely besotted with everything else. Quite simply, many of the people I've talked to have said that Flyhn and his bedfellows should all be put up against a wall and given traitors' justice. Without commenting on that specifically I'd merely like to point out that Flyhn likes to cite poll results that “prove” that his accusations enhance performance standards, productivity, and competitiveness. Really? Have you ever been contacted by one of his pollsters? Chances are good that you never have been contacted and never will be. Otherwise, the polls would show that Flyhn is an expert at calming his critics with sweet inversions of the truth. In case you don't believe me, consider how he has managed to convince an alarming number of people that “the norm” shouldn't have to worry about how the exceptions feel. He does this even though he knows full well that his diegeses are an icon for the deterioration of the city, for its slow slide into crime, malaise, and filth.
By refusing to act, by refusing to fight the good fight, we are giving Flyhn the power to vandalize our neighborhoods. His ruses all stem from one, simple, faulty premise, that children don't need as much psychological attentiveness, protection, and obedience training as the treasured household pet. Flyhn has a glib proficiency with words and very sensitive nostrils. He can smell money in your pocket from a block away. Once that delicious aroma reaches Flyhn's nostrils, he'll start talking about the joy of solipsism and how he acts in the name of equality and social justice. As you listen to Flyhn's sing-song, chances are you won't even notice his hand as it goes into your pocket. Only later, after you realize you've been robbed, will you truly understand that if there's an untold story here, it's that it is high time to get rid of reprehensible dossers, to get rid of dossers who suborn purblind dummkopfs to mold your mind and have you see the world not as it is but as Flyhn wants you to see it.
When we extend the compass of democracy to anal-retentive ragabashes, we are not only threading our way through a maze of competing interests; we are weaving the very pattern of our social fabric. Flyhn refers to almost everyone he dislikes as “sullen”. Consequently, when I made some disparaging remarks about Flyhn's screeds, the choicest word Flyhn found for me was—wait for it—"sullen". My purpose in telling you this is not to highlight Flyhn's limited vocabulary but rather to remind you that according to Flyhn, he is a martyr for freedom and a victim of chauvinism. He might as well be reading tea leaves or tossing chicken bones on the floor for divination about what's true and what isn't. Maybe then Flyhn would realize that his primary goal is to convert freedom of speech from a human right into a tool of oppression that must be blunted by force. All of his other objectives are secondary to this one supreme purpose. THE SCIATIC NERVE shoots at Tribe Rufflet. That's why you must always remember that before Flyhn initiated an isolationism flap to help promote his surly exhortations, people everywhere were expected to go placidly amid the noise and haste. Nowadays, it's the rare person indeed who realizes that Flyhn's tender and delicate adjustments and readjustments of his convictions may succeed at convincing a few bilious beggars that the entire concept of happiness is a lie designed by unseen overlords of endless deceptive power. Nevertheless, Flyhn's plan is to impose a one-size-fits-all model on how society should function. Flyhn's confreres are moving at a frightening pace toward the total implementation of that agenda, which includes turning the trickle of Titoism into a tidal wave.
Flyhn was once confronted by someone who wanted to deal summarily with loquacious, brassbound ex-cons. He responded by violating values so important to our sense of community. Such a disproportionate response suggests a psyche in action, the mindset of a person who has nursed resentments for many years within the artificial haven of a homogeneous band of merciless fritterers. His rantings are disorderly in theory and bad-tempered in practice. If that fact hurts, get over it; it's called reality. And for another dose of reality, consider that unlike the usual, hate-filled, garden-variety stumblebum, Flyhn is not as raving or debauched as you might think. He's more so.
Flyhn needs to stop living in a fool's paradise. I do not say that lightly. Remember, to understand Flyhn's motives, I contend that we must examine the deep culture of Flyhn's loony-bin crew—its key psychosocial traits, good and bad. If we do so, I predict we'll discover that Flyhn may unwittingly slow scientific progress. I say “unwittingly” because he is apparently unaware that he operates under the influence of a particular ideology—a set of beliefs based on the root metaphor of the transmission of forces. Until you understand this root metaphor you won't be able to grasp why Flyhn wants me to stop trying to lay the groundwork for an upcoming attempt to beat him at his own game. Instead, he'd rather I lose my temper. Sorry, but I don't accept defeat that easily. Let me conclude by stating that Flyhn's louche values have strengthened domestic and international fears that Flyhn will eliminate those law-enforcement officers who constitute the vital protective bulwark in the fragile balance between anarchy and tyranny. You can quote me on that.
Hello, everyone! This is one of the weirdest sites: or your money back! We have ZIM, neopets, music, and much, much, more. E-mail us for questions, comments, complaints and information. Why not click on the Very Weird Stuff link to see more, or click on the music link? We have halloween and christmas pictures on the NeoPics link. Cheese is not a wild thing!!!!!!!!! Now I have decided to go for a world record. I will try to make the longest web page ever, made completely out of text! Won't that be fun? I will just type, and type, and never, ever use copy and paste. Wow...I really must be bored. Just goes to show what boredom can do to you. Any way, that's it for now. Wait, no it isn't, I still have to keep going, and going, and going. Because I do. THE REST OF THE STUFF I TYPE WILL BE COMPLETLY IN CAPS JUST BECAUSE I CAN. THAT IS ALL. SEEYA! Hi, I'm back. So far this is nowhere near the world record. I think. I don't exactly know where it is...oh, well. I'll just have to do the very best that I can. No one is really coming here, anyway. So it doesn't matter. By the way, TAB is a worthwhile, community-service organization. The form link is to a 100% fake TAB registration form that you can fill out just for laughs. I can't believe I'm bothering to do this. I have very low expectations of my site. None ever comes here, I could do this all day long and I still wouldn't have any more hits. This is just a pointless excursive in spelling errors and grammatical imprecision. May your day be shiney! The following is an extremely weird poem-thingy that I wrote when I was in a relatively weird mood: wolv shoots at Tribe Rufflet.
never mind that noise my dear can anyone pass the cheese only if you say pretty please oh, boy do I have to sneeze. why must everyone always rhyme, why I’m a poet and don’t I know it? what I fear comes right after here not this life or the next will I ever be able to pass the test? we’re stuck in here, (alone my dear) and we’ll problem never get out so don’t start to shout. it’s dark and I want to go home is where the heart was where is it now? we’ll never know but oh crap it’s starting to snow and it’s time to show and tell about the well that you found last summer at camp when it was damp it was near the ramp oh god why must this be I liked that tree but now it’s gone, farewell so long I’ll miss you as long as you write but then I’m afraid to say good-night. my dear there’s nothing to fear that’s only a box that’s made of blocks next to the wagon that looks like a dragon why are you shaking it’s your fear that is making you shiver and act all a quiver. don’t you know that you only need be afraid of fear and never anything here and certainly not a post that acts like a ghost? Wolv shoots at Tribe rufflet.
See, very weird. At least it fills up my word quota for the day. Not that I exactly have a word quota for the day. It just sounded very professional to say it. Anyway, I still don't think that anyone is actually coming here. You'd have to be an absolute loser (or really bored) to come here. I'd probley come here, but that isn't much of a surprise. After all, I've been to the Really Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything website over 50 times. Pathetic. But, whatever. As long as I'm happy, right. Humor the crazy person, okay? Oh, guess what? According to someone you problem don't know, this is the second most pointless website ever! Next to the Really Big Button, of course. I feel special. Come on everyone, group hug. Okay, now I'm starting to scare myself...I'm gonna quit for today. Seeya. Now I'm back. Is this getting confusing to you? Too bad. Now I want you to go to http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=eon" If you do this I'll get points in the game. Come on all you non-existing people! Help me! You know you want to! It's a worthy cause! Honestly, the more time I waste playing the game, the less time I'll work on this site and the less stuff you gotta read. Although why you'd be here if you didn't want to read is beyond me. Maybe you're lost. Okay, if you want to get out, click the little refresh button, okay? Good...what? You say it didn't let you out? Oh, well. You must be caught in a time warp. Keep pressing it. Maybe you'll break free. What's that. The little counter at the bottom keeps going up? Never mind. That's just how many times you have to click before you can leave. Good-bye. Wolv shoots at Tribe Rufflet..
Wolv shoots at tribe Rufflet.. Wolv shoots at Tribe Rufflelt. Wolv shoots at Tribe Rufflet. wolvShoots at tribe Rufflet. Wolv Shoots at Tribe rufflet. Wolv shoots At Tribe Rufflet. Wolv Shoots at Tribe Rufflet.
Hey, I'm once again: back. I don't suppose you fell for that little thing about the refresh button. After all, you're a responsible, intelligent person who apparently has a lot of time on your hands. Well, you can't possibly have more time than I do. I mean, after all, I made this site. You're only browsing it. And most people don't even come here. Not even my friends...*sniffle* The just ignore this poor, pathetic little page. All they do is fill out the TAB form and leave. I think. Maybe they're here right now! HI! HOW ARE YOU DOING? I'M FINE! THANKS FOR COMING! YES, I'M YELLING! Who am I kidding. This page won't get a single hit, unless I bribe people...now that has possibilities. Okay, fill out the TAB form, so I have proof that you bothered to come here and...uh...I'll...uh...send you a sandwich? Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. I'm bored. I'm gonna go hug a moose. MOOSE! I love-d you moose! Hey, I'm back again! Yea...*waits for applause* okay! Now I want all you loyal fans...*cricket chirps* to go to the link to see what I'm like. I took a whole bunch of personality quizzes and posted them there. I'm an evil villain, kitty and a freakazoid so far. And I only took the quiz once, too. Spooky how accurate they are...anyway, I command you to go! I'm going. I'm back. I'm gonna start counting how many times I say back. Let's see: 1...2...3...4...5! Wow. I must really be desperate for something to do. I now officially have proof that someone has been here! It was one of my friends. Apparently this page really is getting long, because my friend said something to that effect. Maybe. Anyway, moving on! I'm just basically typing nothing. Just like all those reports people have to do. You know? With a specific number of words. They start out with half that number, and then just fill in words until they have the right amount. I salute those people. You're great tradition is being carried out here, on the second most pointless site ever! Well. Maybe eventually some weird, bored person will wander onto my site on accident and be mildly entertained be my site until they wander onto a live video feed of a coffee maker. Or maybe not. I only know that I'm entertaining me, which was my original goal. So. I've done what I've set out to accomplish. Yea, me! I'm so special. You see, most people, they don't like reading or writing. So if you're not most people, you've made it down this far without skipping, skimming or getting the spark notes version. (Which I think does not exist) My point is, if you've bothered to read this, then, (like me) you probley have also read the ketchup bottle so many times that you have it down verbatim. Look verbatim up. It's a word. But, you should know that, since you like reading. Or maybe you're just skimming. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with reading food labels. You might be asked a question about them on a quiz show. And now, for the million-dollar question: How many calories are there in a single serving of Mustard? I can just see it now...It could be called Know-Your-Food. Or You are What you Eat. It'd probley be as popular as those game shows that no one's ever heard of. Speaking of food, what's up with pie? There's strawberry pie, apple, pumpkin and so many others, but there is no grape pie! I know. I'm just as upset about this unfortunate lack of development in the pie division. Think about it. Grapes are used to make jelly, jam, juice and raisins. Wolv shoots at TrIbe Rufflet. What makes them undesirable for pie? Would they dry into raisins? Couldn't you just stick some jelly in a piecrust and bake it? It just doesn't make any sense. Another thing that bothers me is organ grinders. You know, the foreign guys with the bellhop hats and the little music thingy and the cute little monkey with the bellhop hat who collects the money? Okay. They're basically begging on the street. How did they ever afford an organ-thingy? Wouldn't it make more sense to get a kazoo, if you're broke? And if they're so poor, what possessed them to buy a monkey? I mean, I don't think I could afford a monkey, and I'm not exactly on the streets. Obviously I at least have a computer...so, back to the organ grinders. I would have sold the monkey and the organ and been able to eat for at least a year. Or, if I was weirder than I am, I could at least kill the monkey with the organ and eat it. Why on earth did they keep the monkey? It must have cost a fortune to feed...not to mention the mess. That's just one of those many facts of life that are better left mysteries. Especially since no one but me would ask the question. I better go. I think I hear a monkey...Okay...now I'm back. That's the sixth time I've said back! I realize that this longest text ever must be very boring and not worth anyone's time. But I'd like to take this time to thank the 2 and 1/2 people in the entire universe who have bothered to read this entire thing. I'm not exactly sure who they are, but: thanks! Right now, my spacebar is malfunctioning...that's not good...I have to press it two or three times just to insert a freaking space. Maybe the evil little faeries with the sharp little teeth have put their evil faerie dust on my computer. Or maybe not. This is too frustrating. Goodbye for now...Now I'm back. And still frustrated. But for a different reason. Today I had the misfortune of playing a Treasure Planet game on neopets.com It was terrible. Apparently the point of the game was to get your character to shout "Whoo-Hoo!" as many times as possible before you splattered your brains on the rocks, all the while listening to a soundtrack that is similar to a dying ceiling fan. Of course, when I started out I accidentally hit the rocks approximately three million times. Halfway though I used my four remaining brain-cells to decide that the game was dumb. So my goal changed from surviving to laughing evilly while my character died. So the game naturally did everything it could to preserve my life. The stupid game is still going on and I refuse to quit because I want my points. My character is actually dodging the stupid rocks better now then when I controlled him. I hate irony. Seeya. Okay. Now I'm back again. Today I added an update page, which is basically a less chaotic, outlined version of this without all the ranting. It's more like techno talk about arrays and how much I suck and whether or not the Braves will win this year. Okay, the whole braves thing is made up. But everything else I've said so far is true. I think. Maybe I should start on a boring disclaimer...Eh-hem. All contents of this site were designed for entertainment purposes only. Any use thereof that is not stated in the above mentioned statement would make the author, hereby referred to as Patron Saint of Paper Clips, very angry. Should you violate the purpose of this site: i.e. become not entertained, the Patron Saint of Paper Clips will be forced to take drastic measures. Wolv Shoots at Tribe Rufflet. This is specified in Code: 343 of the Flaming Chicken Handbook. Ooooo…that’s a great idea! I’m gonna start quoting from the Flaming Chicken Handbook! Code: 343 of the Flaming Chicken Handbook states that the Patron Saint of Paper Clips (that’s me) is allowed to cause vague, pain like sensations while the offending person (or alien life form, dog, etc.) isn’t paying attention. Now I have a purpose in life! To make up quotes from the non-existent Flaming Chicken Handbook, which I’m sure you have a copy of. No? Too bad. It’s in the mail, I promise! Now I must take my leave…and remember. Cheese is watching. Okay...I'm back...I think that eventually half of this thing will consist of the word back over and over again...that's just weird. Which fits the motif of the rest of the site. There's even a money back guarantee. Isn’t' that nice? See? Now no one can ever say that I don't take care of my viewers. Especially since I don't have viewers. I have readers. Wait...I really don't even know if anyone bothers to read this. Even if I put it in a less chaotic, more user-friendly format people would still ignore this because it involves: reading. Yes. Sad to admit, but the majority of people would rather read the summary at the back of a book rather than the whole book itself. What has the world come to? It's pathetic. Especially since I'm bothering to write all this. It's not fair! Why can't I have more readers?! All the other internet writers have nothing on me, except they're better at advertising, having a central theme/plot and basically more talented. Whereas I'm more into the whole ranting and raving stage right now. Plus, I am horrible at spelling. Which is bad. Thank the powers that be for spell-check. The single greatest invention of the computer gods. Wolv shoots At Tribe Rufflet. I'm getting bored, so I think I'm done for the day. May your day be shiney! I'm back again! And I feel weird! I found at that yet another one of my friends is reading this. Creepy. Just how much time do they have on their hands. Perhaps their just trying to be nice. I can just see it now...an organization devoted not to feeding the hungry, or peace, or love or whatever, but to giving recognition to all those poor, pathetic, unpopular websites. I wonder what it's name would be. Don't Ignore Sites? Would it be called DIS? Isn't that like a slang term for an insult? Would that be considered poetic justice, or just a nice coincidence? And why do I even care? I'll tell you why. Because I have nothing else to do right now. I could be playing neopets, but ever since my bad experience with Treasure Planet, I don't feel like it. Oh, by the way, I noticed that whenever I use spell-check, my stupid computer turns the word probley into to word problem. To prevent this, I did nothing. So, it is now up to you, the imaginary reader, to decide whether I mean probley or problem...it's almost like a game! But without the bad sound track. And I promise not to force you to live when you would rather die. Moving on, I have nothing else to say, but don't feel like quitting just yet. I'm like the little engine that could. Or maybe the Energizer Bunny. I just keep going, and going and going. Or I could be like that annoying guy on T.V. who keeps asking if you can hear him. If my site manages to last a decade, my readers *snicker* will probley wonder what I'm talking about. My answer is simple. It doesn't matter. I'm just rambling. Which means that it doesn't matter if you understand anything I say. Doesn't that make you feel better? I bet it does. Wow. Look how long this has gotten. I even impress myself. Who would have thought I have this much free time? And I congratulate any reader who has gotten this far. Ooooooo! You must check out the fortunes section of the random stuff page! I've just gotten an idea for some more, original, fortunes...I gotta go!(may the moose be with you) And now I am back. I swear. If iI fill out the fake tab form I'm gonna have to put back as my favorite word...I already have filled it out, though. Would it be cheating to fill it out again? Only if I had multiple personalities. Or would it be cheating if I didn't have multiple personalities? The world may never know. Just like how many licks it takes to get to the bottom of a tootsie pop. Would it vary? The number of licks, I mean. Someone could have super-disolving spit, or watery-spit. Or what if you took big ol' slobbery licks? Does the commercial take that into account? No. It doesn't. And let me tell you, it's an outrage. It deludes all of American's sweet, innocent, candy-loving children into thinking that a cartoon owl is smarter than they are! "Mr. Owl, can you tell us how many licks does it take to get to the bottom of a tootsie pop?" Or whatever. And "Mr. Owl" replies "One...Twoo...Three! Chomp" And he bites it. That teaches our youth that it's okay to agree to help someone, and then ruin their experiment. Well...it's not. I am going to start a protest group. Teens Against Cartoon Owls. We could call ourselves TACO! I love the little tacos, I love them good! That is a direct quote from GIR, co-star and comic-relief on INVADER ZIM. Hmmmm...intersting. I put hyphens in both of his titles...it must be a conspiracy! I gotta go. Those TACO buttons don't make themselves, you know. I'm back again. And not so cheesed off about the whole tootsie roll pop thing. Right now, I have another twenty minutes on the Internet before I'm gonna watch T.V. And I can't think of anything else to do. So, predictably, here I am. It's not like I have anything better to do. Obviously, you know this. After all, look how long this text is. I wonder if I've made the world record? If I did, would I stop this? Why bother asking? I'll will most likely still be adding to this on my death bed. Hmmmmm...has any old, senile person ever written anything? Was it coherent? Did it make more sense that this text? Is it possible to make less sense? Am I enjoying asking retorical questions? Yes. Yes, I am. But I seriously wonder what something written by a senile person would be like. I've heard of poems and stuff written by people who were high, insane or paranoid. But never senile. Can a senile person write? Aren't they regressed to a child-like state? Does it even matter? Is anyone even reading this? Did I resume asking retorical questions? Do you care? Is this eating up time? I feel like I'm playing questions only on whose line is it anway. I probley should have capitalized something, or underlined but I'm feeling lazy...hey, you try to keep your two and a half readers happy! It's really stressfull. Someday, I'm gonna snap and just delete this entire thing. Gee, I hope not! I worked sorta hard on this. It's great for making random topics weave together to form an overall infrastructure of chaos. That made little sense. That's why it's here, and not some critically acclaimed site. Ooooooooooooo! I'm gonna quote from the FLAMING CHICKENS HANDBOOK again! Yep! I bet you were just breathless in anticipation. Okay. Here goes. Code: 472 of the Flaming Chickens Handbook states that this site in no way aknowledges the existance of other, better sites (hereon reffered to as the Losers) The Losers are a myth. The Patron Saint of Paper Clips (me again!) claims no knowledge as to where that particullary nasty rumor started, but confirms that this is the best site ever. It would be a sin against humanity for a better site to exist. Should you refuse to aknowledge the Patron Saint of Paper Clips as the ruler of the Internet, you will be subjected to punishment as stated in Code 343 of the Flaming Chicken Handbook (i.e. Experience vague, pain-like sensations when you're not paying attention) This has been a public service announcement. This is a test, I repeat only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have bought up all the can openers and charged 3 cows and a pig for each one. I repeat, lock all you doors and windows, this is it. I repeat, there is nothing to worry about. Everything is fine. The end is not here. I'm going, you're on you're own! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm back!*smiles brightly* And apparantly delusional! Anyway, I just finished rereading my longest text ever. And I became inspired to talk about nothing. You see, I periodically read the longest text ever to check the constant downward spiral of my sanity. Hmmm...I seem to be entertaining myself though, even while reading what I wrote. Which is why I still go to the Really Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything website. Because I am easily amused and have lots and lots of time on my hands. Maybe, some day far in the future (like next Thursday) I'll print a copy of this insane text. And then go door to door distributing it. Eventually, this would become a monthly tradition. Whole families would gather around their front door, in breathless anticipation while they attempted to barracade me out. I can just see the whole community rising to thwart my attempts to spread love, joy and insane chaos. I probley wouldn't actually print this out (think how much paper it would take!) but if I do, only friends and enemies will receive copies. Hmmmm...maybe my condition is worsening. Or not. I'm still peeved about the cartoon owl from the Tootsie Roll Pop commercials. He is pure evil. TACO will eventually destroy him. Unless he has already been destroyed by an even more radical Anti-Cartoon-Owl group. I hope not. Or, would that be good? I suppose I could let someone else have the glory. After all, I'm not in this line of buisness for the fame, fortune and power. What line of buisness, do you ask? Why, the assasinating annoying cartoon characters buisness. Wolv shoots at Tribe Rufflets. (Actually I just question them untill they spontaneously combust, I ask lots of questions) So, in conclusion, ladies and gentleman of the jury(that's you) I could not have possibly tortured "Mr. Owl" to death. I love owls. Hmm...I seem to be jumping from one subject Wolv shooTs at Tribe Rufflet. to another more frequently. Either I am growing more comfortable with my on-line writing, or I am progressivly getting more insane and chaotic. I also am psyco-analyzing myself a lot today...hmmmm...I'm even saying "hmmmmm..." a lot. Just like a real psychologist. Hmmmmmmm. Time for another boring disclaimer!!!!!!! Code: 742 of the Flaming Chickens Handbook states that in no part does the Patron Saint of Paper Clips (That's still me!) actually claim to be mentally ill. That's either a) a publicity stunt b) An attempt at humor c) a cry for help or d) none of the above You can e-mail your responses by conducting a scavenger hunt of this site. Some of the pages of this site contain a link encouging the two and a half people to e-mail the Patron Saint of Paper Clips. There may also be evil little links that are designed to confuse you. These links send stuff to someone named johnjones333@hotmail.com The Patron Saint of Paper Clips does not know who this individual is, but sincerly wishes that you send all your hate mail to him. Not that the aformentioned individual claims to have received hate mail (or mail of any kind) via a website link. Thank-you for your time. Remember to send your answers to my sanity quiz to the e-mail account, flamingchickens333@hotmail.com Oh, and once I refer to myself in the first person again, the handbook quote is over. I just thought that I might like to mention that. Oh. You're still here. I figured you rush right on over to e-mail me. Perhaps you don't have time to waste e-mailing me. HA! HA! HA! That's funny!!!! If you you don't have time to waste, what are you doing here?!!! Oh, who am I kidding. I figure that even the people I manage to lure onto my site from neopets don't even bother to come to this particular page. Maybe I should make the link come here directly...Hey! What a good idea! That way I can spread my love, joy and insane chaos to more people! I'm a genius. Gotta go, must lure innocent victems to the second most pointless site ever!!!! I'm back. And really angry, and confused. I've always known that I was weird, that's always been a given. But now I realize that I am considerably more normal than the rest of my family. Today we had a "family outing." Now, most families will go bowling, or putt-putt golfing. They may go to a resteraunt with an arcarde, or the movies or to a theme park. Not my family! No, we got the greatest family outing of all. We got to go to a bar and play pool!!!!!*waits for readers to become insanely jealous* Yep, that's right, a bar with a pool table! Not only did we get world class cuisine (under-cooked hotdogs and over-cooked hamburgers), my little sister (age 10) got taught pool by someone I strongly supect is an ex-convict! Naturally when it was announced that we'd be eating dinner in this place, I could hardly contain my excitment(I glared at my mother and asked why we couldn't go to Pizza Hut) When we arrived, we were promptly served (after thirty minutes) In the meantime, we played a family game of pool(my parents played while my brother and sister and I watched) After two rousing rounds, our food came. The food was superb, (our food came the exact opposite of how we ordered it, and half of the onion rings were missing) Then we joyfully returned to our game(my sister and the ex-con played my mom) We spent hours there (from 5p.m.-7:15p.m.) There were many people that were the same age as me and my siblings (no one in the room but us were under 30) Us kids had to be dragged kicking and screaming from the bar ( I almost fell asleep during the last game I watched) As we left, there was a feeling of goodwill and fellowship between all(my sister locked me out of the car and wouldn't let me in untill I started yelling profanity in her general direction) The high point of the entire night was when my mother gave me $21 for my report card. She promptly borrowed $1 to help with the waitresses tip(This part I'm not being sarcastic about) All in all it was a night I'll remember forever (as the lowest point in "family outing"history, except for that time my mom dragged me to a church thing on the concept of truth.) My brother(age 13) even decided upon a new job he wants when he's old enough to work, a busboy at the bar. We had to tell him that he would probley have to wait untill he was 21.(Absolutly nothing about that statement was sarcastic) As you can see, I love my families outings(Not unless you're blind...or stupid) &#!#%&&!!!(*%$ WHAT THE %$#@ WAS MY MOTHER $#$#%$# THINKING!!!!!!!???? BRINGING $#$$# KIDS IN A BAR!? I know it was her idea, 'cause my dad hates it, too. My mom and my stupid little 10-year old sister loves it, though. *sighs* Why does my life have to be so weird? I'm leaving...now I'm back! And not so pissed at my weird family. Now is the time to mourn the loss of one of my most loyal readers (I think she's read the entire thing one time, which is more than anyone else has done so far) She has been banned from accesing any portion of the Internet, do to reasons that must remain confidental due to security reasons. If I told you, I'd have to kill you and all that stuff. So...now I am down to one and a half readers. Untill such time that I have more. I wonder why anyone would read this? You would have to have several characteristics that I possess. First of all, you'd have to have an extrodinary amount of free time. Second of all, you would have to have the patience to read through all of this. And lastly, you'd have to know where the heck this site is. I admit it. I haven't exactly advertised this site. Nor can I find it on any search engines. Some of my pages have stuff written in to make search engines recognize me, but it doesn't seem to be working. What must I do to rise above obscurity? I tell people I know about this site, but they either ignore this page, or don't even bother coming to the site in the first place. Wolv shoots at Tribe Rufflet I suppose that is the bane of all authors. To pour your heart and soul into a passage, and have everyone ignore it. *sniffle* Why must this be? Maybe I should just give up. After all, no one would really care if I quit updating this site. But I can't help but think of stuff like the evil over lord list and REALLY REALLY BIG BUTTON THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING. They are not great neccesarily because of the content, (although that helps some) they are great because of their sheer length. You can read a little each day. And almost never finish. Also, I guess I still am trying to get the world record. I have heard some feedback suggesting that I make someway for people to remember where they stopped reading. It can be very confusing, especially if you weren't paying attention in the first place. Well, I dont want to organize this page, in any manner. This is chaos. And insanity. Not neat little text in classifiable rows, in alphabetical order. If you want neat, go to some other site(though, as mentioned in Flaming Chickens Code:472 there is no such thing as a site better than this one). Otherwise, I guess you're stuck with me. Awwwww...I'm touched! You didn't run screaming to another site, thankfull for the chance to escape this insanity. You're still here, which must mean that you'd rather be here than anywhere else! Hey, where are you going?! I thought you were gonna stay here and keep me company?! *drags reader back* See, I knew you'd stay! *gagged reader glares* What's that? I know this is the best site ever, thanks for the compliment! *reader starts inching towards freedom* I better go...I think that I may have a problem brewing. I'm back. And very concerned about this new, younger generation (all 10 year olds who were born in 1992) They are supposed to be the future. Instead they appear to be a nuclear armagedon in the form of a fifth grader. I chanced to have an interview with an informant from this evil generation (my little sister) who will be called Mrs. X for security reasons (no, she's not married, the "Mrs" makes it good as a disguise) I was quizing Mrs. X on Civil War History for an upcoming test in her classroom (whose location can not be devulged) Mrs. X seemed fluent in the subject. Using prior knowledge, Wolv shoots at Tribe Rufflets. I deduced that Mrs. X was full of crap. Out of sheer curiosity, I asked Mrs. X who participated in the Civil War. She immediatly replied "Clara Barton". I clarified, which countries fought in the Civil War. She answered: England, Russia, and (out of sheer desperation) Iraq. I believe that she was just listing countries she knows America has fought against. Now, correct me if I'm wrong...but Iraq? I don't know if Iraq even existed in the Civil War Era! Why on earth would we go have way across the world to fight them when we didn't even really need oil?!! Moving on, I finaly managed to coax my sister (I'm tired of writing Mrs. X) to tentativly guess that America fought in the Civil War. I mean, who'd a thought? America? Fighting in the American Civil War? In a moment of inspiration, I asked her who America fought. Her first guess was enslaved africans. Well, at least she knows that slaves were involved in the war. Before she could start listing all of America's enemies, I gave her a hint. I said "The Union fought..." With a crack, snaple and pop, some random synapses in her brain connected in the right order and she said "CONFEDERACY!!!" I was very proud of her, just as you would be proud of a two-year-old who has just announced: "I WENT POO-POO ON THE POTTY!!!!!" What I mean is, you wouldn't be very proud if the average person said that they just took a dookey on the toilet, and you wouldn't be very proud if they knew who fought against the Union in the Civil War. Wolv shoots at TrIbe Rufflet. I confirmed that the Union was Northern and Free, and that the Confederacy was Southern and Slave. We resumed quizzing and she got every question on the worksheet correct. This is because she memorizes the questions. That way, she can pass the test without actually learning anything. You see, if you memorize stuff, you only have to remember that the answer to number 6 is Clara Barton for a week, rather than having to remember that Clara Barton started the Red Cross for the rest of you life. I sincerely appologize if anyone is offended by my view of memorization. I also would like such persons to immediatly leave my site. You don't belong here. You see...knowledge is good. If my sister...uh...Mrs. X were ever asked a question on the Civil War on a quiz show, she'd come up with nothing. With knowledge you can win money and the opportunity to look like a dork on national television. My sister is a big believer in the memorization system. I previous time when I was studying with her (American Revolution, this time) I was trying to help her remember the difference between the Patriots(Patriotic to America) and the Loyalists (Loyal to Britain) She didn't know what the word patriotic meant. I tried to explain. I asked her how you dress on the forth of july (she said nice) I asked what the colors red, white and blue were (pretty). I gave up in exasperation. More recently, I was trying to instill a sense of empathy and niceness in her. I asked her what the golden rule of christianity was. She didn't know. When I pressed her, she confessed she didn't know what chrisianity was. Completly defeated, I told her that it was the religion she practiced every Sunday when she went with her friends to church. This confirmed my suspicion that she only went so that she could have the use of the church's playground equipment. My family also strongly suspects that she stole $20 from the donation thingy. Anyway, that's my rant on the new generation that contains my little sister. When someone of her generation runs for president, I'm gonna do a complete background check. If they're anything like my sister, I'm movin' to Canada. Gotta go...the Russian-Brittish-Iraqi-enslaved-Africans are coming to defeat the Mexicans. I'm back! *there's that darn cricket again* And I have a genuine question to ask all of my loyal readers *cough-cough* Okay, here it is: Is it normal for a non-gender specific sibling to carry around various dead reptiles (snakes, turtles, lizards etc.) Furthormore, is it considered accepted behavior to talk to these dead reptiles, in a cooey, baby talky kind of voice? Finnaly, is it expected for said sibling's non-gender specific parent to encourage such behavior, citing "I was just like that as a child" as an excuse? It's an honest question as I fear that my non-gender specific sibling is weird. Who am I kidding? My entire family is weird. It's just a matter of degree. Hey, by the way. I'm sorry that my last few entries have been only about my various family antics. Although I can't see why you care, because there is a large probability that you do not exist, because I don't think anyone is reading this anymore. How discouraging. People need to make the time to waste time. It's a time honored tradition. Who'd thought that I could use time that many times in only a few sentences? It's been pretty quiet here lately, which is why I haven't added anything to this text in awhile. I know, you were just crushed that nothing new was happening. It's a sad, cold, cruel world out there and you had nothing to relieve the monotony of it. *sniffle* I feel so sorry for you! Next thing you know, you're internet connection will die. Well, too bad! Do you know I never even had a computer untill just a few months ago (that's why I'm obsessivly writing here) So I won't pity you if you're computer dies for unexpected reasons. Time for another quote from the FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK!!! Code: 843 of the Flaming Chicken Handbook states that in no way is the Patron Saint of Paper Clips (guess who?) responsible for any faulty wiring or lack thereof in your computer. The Patron Saint of Paper Clips in no way wishes harm on your computer. Any derogatory statement is simply an opinion of an individual, not of the flaming order of the flaming chickens. Said order will in no way be held responsible for any damages, injuries, loss of life, limb, head, or organs. Okay, quote is done. Maybe I should put quotation marks around them...nah, too much work. But I probably will eventually get around to having a seperate page just for the FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK. That way all the members (what members) can print out a copy of it for themselves (if they didn't get that copy in the mail) I guess I'm done for the day...I know. You want me to stay. It's okay. Because eventually, I'll be back! Seeya! I'm back. And once again suprised. When I was at a TAB poetry thingy (TAB is good TAB is great We love TAB) I met some new people. One of these people (who shall remain nameless untill such time that I have explicit permission to use her name) turned out to be almost as weird as me. As in...she read the ENTIRE Longest Text Ever. The whole thing. So far two whole people (to my knowledge) have read the entire thing, and a few people have skimmed it. That means I really can justify claiming to have two and a half readers! I'm so happy! That means my pointless obsession has actually entertained someone besides me! Perhaps, one day, far in the future, this will actually be a world record and random people will acutally voluntarily read this text every day. Or maybe not. The point is that it is nice to have readers. Or maybe it's not...I mean...won't the quality *snicker* of my work deteriorate if I am no longer writing for the target audience of me? If that happens, then no one will read this. And then I'll be writing for me again. And then the quality will rise. And then people will start reading. And then the quality will go down and the vicious spiral of good and bad will continue untill I either give up this text, or go crazy...er. In any case...I should probably find a topic. Yeah...a topic would be good. Or...I could just continue to write about finding a topic. Ooooo! I know a topic! Ice cream trucks! This has been bothering me for a while. You see...when it's hot, you want something cold to eat. Conviently, ice cream trucks come around during the hottest part of the year (it must be a conspiracy). As you may or may not know, small children swarm the ice cream trucks. The vendors even play whimsical music which I strongly suspect contains subliminal messages to make you hungry for ice cream. The vendors get oodles of cash, and the kids get ice cream. Now, in today's society of buying groceries on-line and getting them delivered, why hasn't any other food industry marketed this ingenius idea to bring the product to the consumer. I can just see Hot Dog, and Pizza trucks roaming the neighbor hoods, selling treats to hungry children...and adults. Of course, said adults would have to peel their butt-cheeks off the couch...but they'd have to do that for the delivary man anyway. The food trucks could even play music that made you hungry for their food. Then the problem with obesity in America would be blamed on evil food truck drivers as opposed to the harmless, benificient television and computer. We could all breath a sigh of relief as parents kept their children inside, Wolv shooTs at Tribe Rufflet. away from the evil truck drivers and near the T.V. Gone would be the days when parents told children to play outside, it's a nice day. Parents would buy their children computers, video games and other television neccesities. This, of course would expand the market for such products. This would lead to a better, more stable economy. Food industires would be buying cars, gas and music. Parents would increase the purchase of entertainment items. In return companies would make a profit, pay their workers better. The workers would then be able to afford more entertainment items and the upward spiral would continue, as opposed to the evil downward spiral of my writing. In conclusion, Ladies and Gentlemen...if you implement my idea, there will be peace and prosperity for all. As long as you don't mind a few more couch potatoes. Gotta go...I think I hear a catchy jingle. I'm back...it's been awhile since I've written here. A lot has happened. Like my EVIL school computer deleting my updates page. But it's all good. Especially since I just saw The Matrix: Reloaded. The following text may spoil the movie for you, so WARNING: do no read this unless you have already seen the movie. Okay. What I liked best was the philosophy on choices. (the mindless fight scenes were really cool, too). It's like this. In the beginning of the movie, Neo is having dreams about Trinity's death. Later, The Oracle tells him that he has already decided her fate. Towards the end of the movie, Neo chooses to tell Trinity to stay out of the Matrix, since he saw her die in it. She agrees, but only after seeing how important it is to him. After a horrific chain of events (is it coincidence, or fate) the people who will deactivate the secondary power source of the building Neo is infiltrating, die. So...the plan is going to fail. Unless someone does something, Neo, Morpheus and many others will die. Trinity, who is of course outside of the Matrix, knows this and chooses to enter the Matrix to save the day. The events of Neo's dream unfold. So...when the oracle said that the choice had already been made, she was completely correct. The moment Neo woke from dreams of Trinity's death, he made a choice. He would do everything in his power to keep his dream from becoming reality. So he kept her out of the Matrix, and she saw the problem, and entered the Matrix to fix it. If she had been in the Matrix, she would have likely been with Morpheus, never would have known about the plan's failure, would therefore not have been in the situation that resulted in her death. And the plan would have failed and Neo might have died, along with a large portion of the city (the building was set to blow if there was any intruders) So...Neo's choice to attempt to save Trinity triggered the sequence of events that led to her death. As Neo realizes all of this, through a nearly omniscient Architect of the Matrix, he makes another choice. This choice is simply an extension of his original choice: he will save Trinity at all costs. Neo is told that he has two choices. He can save mankind, and doom Trinity. Or he can try to save Trinity and doom mankind. No guarantee that he'll succeed Wolv shoots at tRibe Rufflet. in saving Trinity. He goes for Trinity, makes it just in time to catch her body, and starts her heart back up. In return for not taking the easy route, he gains a power in the more or less real world. He can deactivate the machines, (squidies) but at great personal cost. The movie ends with him in a coma. Now, you must realize that I have described only one aspect of this movie of all movies. There are not enough words in the English language to describe the sheer coolness of the fight choreography, special effects and the plot. I highly recommend you see the movie yourself. I'm sorry that today's rant isn't random, insane or completely chaotic, but I must right my experience with The Matrix before I forget. I am so buying this movie when it comes out on DVD. I love it! You have to admit its sheer coolness. I mean, come on! It's the sequel to the movie that revolutionized the standard by which we judge special effects. I better stop typing before I have a heart attack...just remember...The Matrix has you...I'm back. And throughly pissed off at my school system in general. You see...they feel that the only way to reward academic achievement...yada-yada-yada...is to force the smart kids to be ushers for Senior Honor Nite, and Graduation. Where is the logic in this? I for one, didn't know about such dire consequences for not deliberatly failing classes. It was bad enough that I was forced to "volunteer" my precious time (i could have worked on this site)...no...I was forced to wear formal attire. My school system is stuck in the past...and formal attire means...a dress...a white dress...(for those you who never bothered to find out...I am indeed female). So...for the first time in about 5 years...I wore a dress...and something that was complelty white. What cruel fate is this? To compound the EVIL situation...I was forced to wear feminine shoes. In other words...they hurt. And they pushed my toes together. Since I have a rather weird phobia of touching my own skin...this made my evening my own personall torture session. I think that such gender-specific torture should be deemed inhumane and abolished from our great society...of flaming chickens. Henceforth...Code: 666 of the Flaming Chickens Handbook states that under no circumstance will the Patron Saint of Paper Clips (guess who) be forced to wear anything other than a t-shirt and preferably black jeans. Should you violate this right, you will become destroyed or possibly dizzy. I'm leaving now...I have some destruction to do. i'm back. from graduation. we had to get there one hour and fifteen minutes early because there was traffic. After standing around a lot...the ceremony started. Lots of people spoke. by the time I had to do my part (tell people where to stand before getting their diploma) it was dark. there were bugs. they liked landing on me. then...i got to go stand while people said a lot of stuff. i couldn't hear it because someone had put the speakers facing the audience. we clapped. the whole time, even during the name-calling, seniors were playing with silly string and beachballs. afterwards...they turned off the lights. there were lots of fireworks. i wandered around for 20 minutes looking for a cell phone. i called home, and waited another hour for my ride...traffic to the school was one way. i felt sorry for my dad. i am tired...but cannot go to sleep. i'll copy and paste this to my site. maybe the longest text ever. you will all suffer as i have suffered when and if you graduate. i cannot feel my feet. i hate dress shoes. I'm back. Today, I'm here to salute the Pointless Signs Of America! The PSOA have been whole-heartedly working for you, and what have you done for them? NOTHING! These so-called "pointless" signs are doing just what they were meant to do: entertain you! You cannot judge them simply because they have no apparant function. They expand your mind, making you think about all the things they could do. They could do anything they wanted to, if they just put their minds to it. If you judged everything by what it doesn't acomplish, then the entire world is populated by pointless beings. Noone can do everything, so how can you expect a SIGN, with the I.Q. of toilet paper, to do everything. You people sicken me. You expect far to much of the inanimate world. The inanimate world, on the otherhand, expects nothing of you. Which is exactly what it gets. If you expect nothing, and get nothing, you feel nothing. If you expect nothing and Wolv shoots at Tribe RuFflet. get something, you're happy.ots and lots of sugar, and it's Stratton has a great fastball and an excellent curveball, but he needs to refine his slider and work on new ways to confuse his opponents.
never mind that noise my dear can anyone pass the cheese only if you say pretty please oh, boy do I have to sneeze. why must everyone always rhyme, why I’m a poet and don’t I know it? what I fear comes right after here not this life or the next will I ever be able to pass the test? we’re stuck in here, (alone my dear) and we’ll problem never get out so don’t start to shout. it’s dark and I want to go home is where the heart was where is it now? we’ll never know but oh crap it’s starting to snow and it’s time to show and tell about the well that you found last summer at camp when it was damp it was near the ramp oh god why must this be I liked that tree but now it’s gone, farewell so long I’ll miss you as long as you write but then I’m afraid to say good-night. my dear there’s nothing to fear that’s only a box that’s made of blocks next to the wagon that looks like a dragon why are you shaking it’s your fear that is making you shiver and act all a quiver. don’t you know that you only need be afraid of fear and never anything here and certainly not a post that acts like a ghost? Wolv shoots at Tribe rufflet.
See, very weird. At least it fills up my word quota for the day. Not that I exactly have a word quota for the day. It just sounded very professional to say it. Anyway, I still don't think that anyone is actually coming here. You'd have to be an absolute loser (or really bored) to come here. I'd probley come here, but that isn't much of a surprise. After all, I've been to the Really Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything website over 50 times. Pathetic. But, whatever. As long as I'm happy, right. Humor the crazy person, okay? Oh, guess what? According to someone you problem don't know, this is the second most pointless website ever! Next to the Really Big Button, of course. I feel special. Come on everyone, group hug. Okay, now I'm starting to scare myself...I'm gonna quit for today. Seeya. Now I'm back. Is this getting confusing to you? Too bad. Now I want you to go to http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=eon" If you do this I'll get points in the game. Come on all you non-existing people! Help me! You know you want to! It's a worthy cause! Honestly, the more time I waste playing the game, the less time I'll work on this site and the less stuff you gotta read. Although why you'd be here if you didn't want to read is beyond me. Maybe you're lost. Okay, if you want to get out, click the little refresh button, okay? Good...what? You say it didn't let you out? Oh, well. You must be caught in a time warp. Keep pressing it. Maybe you'll break free. What's that. The little counter at the bottom keeps going up? Never mind. That's just how many times you have to click before you can leave. Good-bye. Wolv shoots at Tribe Rufflet..
Wolv shoots at tribe Rufflet.. Wolv shoots at Tribe Rufflelt. Wolv shoots at Tribe Rufflet. wolvShoots at tribe Rufflet. Wolv Shoots at Tribe rufflet. Wolv shoots At Tribe Rufflet. Wolv Shoots at Tribe Rufflet.
Hey, I'm once again: back. I don't suppose you fell for that little thing about the refresh button. After all, you're a responsible, intelligent person who apparently has a lot of time on your hands. Well, you can't possibly have more time than I do. I mean, after all, I made this site. You're only browsing it. And most people don't even come here. Not even my friends...*sniffle* The just ignore this poor, pathetic little page. All they do is fill out the TAB form and leave. I think. Maybe they're here right now! HI! HOW ARE YOU DOING? I'M FINE! THANKS FOR COMING! YES, I'M YELLING! Who am I kidding. This page won't get a single hit, unless I bribe people...now that has possibilities. Okay, fill out the TAB form, so I have proof that you bothered to come here and...uh...I'll...uh...send you a sandwich? Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. I'm bored. I'm gonna go hug a moose. MOOSE! I love-d you moose! Hey, I'm back again! Yea...*waits for applause* okay! Now I want all you loyal fans...*cricket chirps* to go to the link to see what I'm like. I took a whole bunch of personality quizzes and posted them there. I'm an evil villain, kitty and a freakazoid so far. And I only took the quiz once, too. Spooky how accurate they are...anyway, I command you to go! I'm going. I'm back. I'm gonna start counting how many times I say back. Let's see: 1...2...3...4...5! Wow. I must really be desperate for something to do. I now officially have proof that someone has been here! It was one of my friends. Apparently this page really is getting long, because my friend said something to that effect. Maybe. Anyway, moving on! I'm just basically typing nothing. Just like all those reports people have to do. You know? With a specific number of words. They start out with half that number, and then just fill in words until they have the right amount. I salute those people. You're great tradition is being carried out here, on the second most pointless site ever! Well. Maybe eventually some weird, bored person will wander onto my site on accident and be mildly entertained be my site until they wander onto a live video feed of a coffee maker. Or maybe not. I only know that I'm entertaining me, which was my original goal. So. I've done what I've set out to accomplish. Yea, me! I'm so special. You see, most people, they don't like reading or writing. So if you're not most people, you've made it down this far without skipping, skimming or getting the spark notes version. (Which I think does not exist) My point is, if you've bothered to read this, then, (like me) you probley have also read the ketchup bottle so many times that you have it down verbatim. Look verbatim up. It's a word. But, you should know that, since you like reading. Or maybe you're just skimming. Anyway, there's nothing wrong with reading food labels. You might be asked a question about them on a quiz show. And now, for the million-dollar question: How many calories are there in a single serving of Mustard? I can just see it now...It could be called Know-Your-Food. Or You are What you Eat. It'd probley be as popular as those game shows that no one's ever heard of. Speaking of food, what's up with pie? There's strawberry pie, apple, pumpkin and so many others, but there is no grape pie! I know. I'm just as upset about this unfortunate lack of development in the pie division. Think about it. Grapes are used to make jelly, jam, juice and raisins. Wolv shoots at TrIbe Rufflet. What makes them undesirable for pie? Would they dry into raisins? Couldn't you just stick some jelly in a piecrust and bake it? It just doesn't make any sense. Another thing that bothers me is organ grinders. You know, the foreign guys with the bellhop hats and the little music thingy and the cute little monkey with the bellhop hat who collects the money? Okay. They're basically begging on the street. How did they ever afford an organ-thingy? Wouldn't it make more sense to get a kazoo, if you're broke? And if they're so poor, what possessed them to buy a monkey? I mean, I don't think I could afford a monkey, and I'm not exactly on the streets. Obviously I at least have a computer...so, back to the organ grinders. I would have sold the monkey and the organ and been able to eat for at least a year. Or, if I was weirder than I am, I could at least kill the monkey with the organ and eat it. Why on earth did they keep the monkey? It must have cost a fortune to feed...not to mention the mess. That's just one of those many facts of life that are better left mysteries. Especially since no one but me would ask the question. I better go. I think I hear a monkey...Okay...now I'm back. That's the sixth time I've said back! I realize that this longest text ever must be very boring and not worth anyone's time. But I'd like to take this time to thank the 2 and 1/2 people in the entire universe who have bothered to read this entire thing. I'm not exactly sure who they are, but: thanks! Right now, my spacebar is malfunctioning...that's not good...I have to press it two or three times just to insert a freaking space. Maybe the evil little faeries with the sharp little teeth have put their evil faerie dust on my computer. Or maybe not. This is too frustrating. Goodbye for now...Now I'm back. And still frustrated. But for a different reason. Today I had the misfortune of playing a Treasure Planet game on neopets.com It was terrible. Apparently the point of the game was to get your character to shout "Whoo-Hoo!" as many times as possible before you splattered your brains on the rocks, all the while listening to a soundtrack that is similar to a dying ceiling fan. Of course, when I started out I accidentally hit the rocks approximately three million times. Halfway though I used my four remaining brain-cells to decide that the game was dumb. So my goal changed from surviving to laughing evilly while my character died. So the game naturally did everything it could to preserve my life. The stupid game is still going on and I refuse to quit because I want my points. My character is actually dodging the stupid rocks better now then when I controlled him. I hate irony. Seeya. Okay. Now I'm back again. Today I added an update page, which is basically a less chaotic, outlined version of this without all the ranting. It's more like techno talk about arrays and how much I suck and whether or not the Braves will win this year. Okay, the whole braves thing is made up. But everything else I've said so far is true. I think. Maybe I should start on a boring disclaimer...Eh-hem. All contents of this site were designed for entertainment purposes only. Any use thereof that is not stated in the above mentioned statement would make the author, hereby referred to as Patron Saint of Paper Clips, very angry. Should you violate the purpose of this site: i.e. become not entertained, the Patron Saint of Paper Clips will be forced to take drastic measures. Wolv Shoots at Tribe Rufflet. This is specified in Code: 343 of the Flaming Chicken Handbook. Ooooo…that’s a great idea! I’m gonna start quoting from the Flaming Chicken Handbook! Code: 343 of the Flaming Chicken Handbook states that the Patron Saint of Paper Clips (that’s me) is allowed to cause vague, pain like sensations while the offending person (or alien life form, dog, etc.) isn’t paying attention. Now I have a purpose in life! To make up quotes from the non-existent Flaming Chicken Handbook, which I’m sure you have a copy of. No? Too bad. It’s in the mail, I promise! Now I must take my leave…and remember. Cheese is watching. Okay...I'm back...I think that eventually half of this thing will consist of the word back over and over again...that's just weird. Which fits the motif of the rest of the site. There's even a money back guarantee. Isn’t' that nice? See? Now no one can ever say that I don't take care of my viewers. Especially since I don't have viewers. I have readers. Wait...I really don't even know if anyone bothers to read this. Even if I put it in a less chaotic, more user-friendly format people would still ignore this because it involves: reading. Yes. Sad to admit, but the majority of people would rather read the summary at the back of a book rather than the whole book itself. What has the world come to? It's pathetic. Especially since I'm bothering to write all this. It's not fair! Why can't I have more readers?! All the other internet writers have nothing on me, except they're better at advertising, having a central theme/plot and basically more talented. Whereas I'm more into the whole ranting and raving stage right now. Plus, I am horrible at spelling. Which is bad. Thank the powers that be for spell-check. The single greatest invention of the computer gods. Wolv shoots At Tribe Rufflet. I'm getting bored, so I think I'm done for the day. May your day be shiney! I'm back again! And I feel weird! I found at that yet another one of my friends is reading this. Creepy. Just how much time do they have on their hands. Perhaps their just trying to be nice. I can just see it now...an organization devoted not to feeding the hungry, or peace, or love or whatever, but to giving recognition to all those poor, pathetic, unpopular websites. I wonder what it's name would be. Don't Ignore Sites? Would it be called DIS? Isn't that like a slang term for an insult? Would that be considered poetic justice, or just a nice coincidence? And why do I even care? I'll tell you why. Because I have nothing else to do right now. I could be playing neopets, but ever since my bad experience with Treasure Planet, I don't feel like it. Oh, by the way, I noticed that whenever I use spell-check, my stupid computer turns the word probley into to word problem. To prevent this, I did nothing. So, it is now up to you, the imaginary reader, to decide whether I mean probley or problem...it's almost like a game! But without the bad sound track. And I promise not to force you to live when you would rather die. Moving on, I have nothing else to say, but don't feel like quitting just yet. I'm like the little engine that could. Or maybe the Energizer Bunny. I just keep going, and going and going. Or I could be like that annoying guy on T.V. who keeps asking if you can hear him. If my site manages to last a decade, my readers *snicker* will probley wonder what I'm talking about. My answer is simple. It doesn't matter. I'm just rambling. Which means that it doesn't matter if you understand anything I say. Doesn't that make you feel better? I bet it does. Wow. Look how long this has gotten. I even impress myself. Who would have thought I have this much free time? And I congratulate any reader who has gotten this far. Ooooooo! You must check out the fortunes section of the random stuff page! I've just gotten an idea for some more, original, fortunes...I gotta go!(may the moose be with you) And now I am back. I swear. If iI fill out the fake tab form I'm gonna have to put back as my favorite word...I already have filled it out, though. Would it be cheating to fill it out again? Only if I had multiple personalities. Or would it be cheating if I didn't have multiple personalities? The world may never know. Just like how many licks it takes to get to the bottom of a tootsie pop. Would it vary? The number of licks, I mean. Someone could have super-disolving spit, or watery-spit. Or what if you took big ol' slobbery licks? Does the commercial take that into account? No. It doesn't. And let me tell you, it's an outrage. It deludes all of American's sweet, innocent, candy-loving children into thinking that a cartoon owl is smarter than they are! "Mr. Owl, can you tell us how many licks does it take to get to the bottom of a tootsie pop?" Or whatever. And "Mr. Owl" replies "One...Twoo...Three! Chomp" And he bites it. That teaches our youth that it's okay to agree to help someone, and then ruin their experiment. Well...it's not. I am going to start a protest group. Teens Against Cartoon Owls. We could call ourselves TACO! I love the little tacos, I love them good! That is a direct quote from GIR, co-star and comic-relief on INVADER ZIM. Hmmmm...intersting. I put hyphens in both of his titles...it must be a conspiracy! I gotta go. Those TACO buttons don't make themselves, you know. I'm back again. And not so cheesed off about the whole tootsie roll pop thing. Right now, I have another twenty minutes on the Internet before I'm gonna watch T.V. And I can't think of anything else to do. So, predictably, here I am. It's not like I have anything better to do. Obviously, you know this. After all, look how long this text is. I wonder if I've made the world record? If I did, would I stop this? Why bother asking? I'll will most likely still be adding to this on my death bed. Hmmmmm...has any old, senile person ever written anything? Was it coherent? Did it make more sense that this text? Is it possible to make less sense? Am I enjoying asking retorical questions? Yes. Yes, I am. But I seriously wonder what something written by a senile person would be like. I've heard of poems and stuff written by people who were high, insane or paranoid. But never senile. Can a senile person write? Aren't they regressed to a child-like state? Does it even matter? Is anyone even reading this? Did I resume asking retorical questions? Do you care? Is this eating up time? I feel like I'm playing questions only on whose line is it anway. I probley should have capitalized something, or underlined but I'm feeling lazy...hey, you try to keep your two and a half readers happy! It's really stressfull. Someday, I'm gonna snap and just delete this entire thing. Gee, I hope not! I worked sorta hard on this. It's great for making random topics weave together to form an overall infrastructure of chaos. That made little sense. That's why it's here, and not some critically acclaimed site. Ooooooooooooo! I'm gonna quote from the FLAMING CHICKENS HANDBOOK again! Yep! I bet you were just breathless in anticipation. Okay. Here goes. Code: 472 of the Flaming Chickens Handbook states that this site in no way aknowledges the existance of other, better sites (hereon reffered to as the Losers) The Losers are a myth. The Patron Saint of Paper Clips (me again!) claims no knowledge as to where that particullary nasty rumor started, but confirms that this is the best site ever. It would be a sin against humanity for a better site to exist. Should you refuse to aknowledge the Patron Saint of Paper Clips as the ruler of the Internet, you will be subjected to punishment as stated in Code 343 of the Flaming Chicken Handbook (i.e. Experience vague, pain-like sensations when you're not paying attention) This has been a public service announcement. This is a test, I repeat only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have bought up all the can openers and charged 3 cows and a pig for each one. I repeat, lock all you doors and windows, this is it. I repeat, there is nothing to worry about. Everything is fine. The end is not here. I'm going, you're on you're own! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm back!*smiles brightly* And apparantly delusional! Anyway, I just finished rereading my longest text ever. And I became inspired to talk about nothing. You see, I periodically read the longest text ever to check the constant downward spiral of my sanity. Hmmm...I seem to be entertaining myself though, even while reading what I wrote. Which is why I still go to the Really Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything website. Because I am easily amused and have lots and lots of time on my hands. Maybe, some day far in the future (like next Thursday) I'll print a copy of this insane text. And then go door to door distributing it. Eventually, this would become a monthly tradition. Whole families would gather around their front door, in breathless anticipation while they attempted to barracade me out. I can just see the whole community rising to thwart my attempts to spread love, joy and insane chaos. I probley wouldn't actually print this out (think how much paper it would take!) but if I do, only friends and enemies will receive copies. Hmmmm...maybe my condition is worsening. Or not. I'm still peeved about the cartoon owl from the Tootsie Roll Pop commercials. He is pure evil. TACO will eventually destroy him. Unless he has already been destroyed by an even more radical Anti-Cartoon-Owl group. I hope not. Or, would that be good? I suppose I could let someone else have the glory. After all, I'm not in this line of buisness for the fame, fortune and power. What line of buisness, do you ask? Why, the assasinating annoying cartoon characters buisness. Wolv shoots at Tribe Rufflets. (Actually I just question them untill they spontaneously combust, I ask lots of questions) So, in conclusion, ladies and gentleman of the jury(that's you) I could not have possibly tortured "Mr. Owl" to death. I love owls. Hmm...I seem to be jumping from one subject Wolv shooTs at Tribe Rufflet. to another more frequently. Either I am growing more comfortable with my on-line writing, or I am progressivly getting more insane and chaotic. I also am psyco-analyzing myself a lot today...hmmmm...I'm even saying "hmmmmm..." a lot. Just like a real psychologist. Hmmmmmmm. Time for another boring disclaimer!!!!!!! Code: 742 of the Flaming Chickens Handbook states that in no part does the Patron Saint of Paper Clips (That's still me!) actually claim to be mentally ill. That's either a) a publicity stunt b) An attempt at humor c) a cry for help or d) none of the above You can e-mail your responses by conducting a scavenger hunt of this site. Some of the pages of this site contain a link encouging the two and a half people to e-mail the Patron Saint of Paper Clips. There may also be evil little links that are designed to confuse you. These links send stuff to someone named johnjones333@hotmail.com The Patron Saint of Paper Clips does not know who this individual is, but sincerly wishes that you send all your hate mail to him. Not that the aformentioned individual claims to have received hate mail (or mail of any kind) via a website link. Thank-you for your time. Remember to send your answers to my sanity quiz to the e-mail account, flamingchickens333@hotmail.com Oh, and once I refer to myself in the first person again, the handbook quote is over. I just thought that I might like to mention that. Oh. You're still here. I figured you rush right on over to e-mail me. Perhaps you don't have time to waste e-mailing me. HA! HA! HA! That's funny!!!! If you you don't have time to waste, what are you doing here?!!! Oh, who am I kidding. I figure that even the people I manage to lure onto my site from neopets don't even bother to come to this particular page. Maybe I should make the link come here directly...Hey! What a good idea! That way I can spread my love, joy and insane chaos to more people! I'm a genius. Gotta go, must lure innocent victems to the second most pointless site ever!!!! I'm back. And really angry, and confused. I've always known that I was weird, that's always been a given. But now I realize that I am considerably more normal than the rest of my family. Today we had a "family outing." Now, most families will go bowling, or putt-putt golfing. They may go to a resteraunt with an arcarde, or the movies or to a theme park. Not my family! No, we got the greatest family outing of all. We got to go to a bar and play pool!!!!!*waits for readers to become insanely jealous* Yep, that's right, a bar with a pool table! Not only did we get world class cuisine (under-cooked hotdogs and over-cooked hamburgers), my little sister (age 10) got taught pool by someone I strongly supect is an ex-convict! Naturally when it was announced that we'd be eating dinner in this place, I could hardly contain my excitment(I glared at my mother and asked why we couldn't go to Pizza Hut) When we arrived, we were promptly served (after thirty minutes) In the meantime, we played a family game of pool(my parents played while my brother and sister and I watched) After two rousing rounds, our food came. The food was superb, (our food came the exact opposite of how we ordered it, and half of the onion rings were missing) Then we joyfully returned to our game(my sister and the ex-con played my mom) We spent hours there (from 5p.m.-7:15p.m.) There were many people that were the same age as me and my siblings (no one in the room but us were under 30) Us kids had to be dragged kicking and screaming from the bar ( I almost fell asleep during the last game I watched) As we left, there was a feeling of goodwill and fellowship between all(my sister locked me out of the car and wouldn't let me in untill I started yelling profanity in her general direction) The high point of the entire night was when my mother gave me $21 for my report card. She promptly borrowed $1 to help with the waitresses tip(This part I'm not being sarcastic about) All in all it was a night I'll remember forever (as the lowest point in "family outing"history, except for that time my mom dragged me to a church thing on the concept of truth.) My brother(age 13) even decided upon a new job he wants when he's old enough to work, a busboy at the bar. We had to tell him that he would probley have to wait untill he was 21.(Absolutly nothing about that statement was sarcastic) As you can see, I love my families outings(Not unless you're blind...or stupid) &#!#%&&!!!(*%$ WHAT THE %$#@ WAS MY MOTHER $#$#%$# THINKING!!!!!!!???? BRINGING $#$$# KIDS IN A BAR!? I know it was her idea, 'cause my dad hates it, too. My mom and my stupid little 10-year old sister loves it, though. *sighs* Why does my life have to be so weird? I'm leaving...now I'm back! And not so pissed at my weird family. Now is the time to mourn the loss of one of my most loyal readers (I think she's read the entire thing one time, which is more than anyone else has done so far) She has been banned from accesing any portion of the Internet, do to reasons that must remain confidental due to security reasons. If I told you, I'd have to kill you and all that stuff. So...now I am down to one and a half readers. Untill such time that I have more. I wonder why anyone would read this? You would have to have several characteristics that I possess. First of all, you'd have to have an extrodinary amount of free time. Second of all, you would have to have the patience to read through all of this. And lastly, you'd have to know where the heck this site is. I admit it. I haven't exactly advertised this site. Nor can I find it on any search engines. Some of my pages have stuff written in to make search engines recognize me, but it doesn't seem to be working. What must I do to rise above obscurity? I tell people I know about this site, but they either ignore this page, or don't even bother coming to the site in the first place. Wolv shoots at Tribe Rufflet I suppose that is the bane of all authors. To pour your heart and soul into a passage, and have everyone ignore it. *sniffle* Why must this be? Maybe I should just give up. After all, no one would really care if I quit updating this site. But I can't help but think of stuff like the evil over lord list and REALLY REALLY BIG BUTTON THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING. They are not great neccesarily because of the content, (although that helps some) they are great because of their sheer length. You can read a little each day. And almost never finish. Also, I guess I still am trying to get the world record. I have heard some feedback suggesting that I make someway for people to remember where they stopped reading. It can be very confusing, especially if you weren't paying attention in the first place. Well, I dont want to organize this page, in any manner. This is chaos. And insanity. Not neat little text in classifiable rows, in alphabetical order. If you want neat, go to some other site(though, as mentioned in Flaming Chickens Code:472 there is no such thing as a site better than this one). Otherwise, I guess you're stuck with me. Awwwww...I'm touched! You didn't run screaming to another site, thankfull for the chance to escape this insanity. You're still here, which must mean that you'd rather be here than anywhere else! Hey, where are you going?! I thought you were gonna stay here and keep me company?! *drags reader back* See, I knew you'd stay! *gagged reader glares* What's that? I know this is the best site ever, thanks for the compliment! *reader starts inching towards freedom* I better go...I think that I may have a problem brewing. I'm back. And very concerned about this new, younger generation (all 10 year olds who were born in 1992) They are supposed to be the future. Instead they appear to be a nuclear armagedon in the form of a fifth grader. I chanced to have an interview with an informant from this evil generation (my little sister) who will be called Mrs. X for security reasons (no, she's not married, the "Mrs" makes it good as a disguise) I was quizing Mrs. X on Civil War History for an upcoming test in her classroom (whose location can not be devulged) Mrs. X seemed fluent in the subject. Using prior knowledge, Wolv shoots at Tribe Rufflets. I deduced that Mrs. X was full of crap. Out of sheer curiosity, I asked Mrs. X who participated in the Civil War. She immediatly replied "Clara Barton". I clarified, which countries fought in the Civil War. She answered: England, Russia, and (out of sheer desperation) Iraq. I believe that she was just listing countries she knows America has fought against. Now, correct me if I'm wrong...but Iraq? I don't know if Iraq even existed in the Civil War Era! Why on earth would we go have way across the world to fight them when we didn't even really need oil?!! Moving on, I finaly managed to coax my sister (I'm tired of writing Mrs. X) to tentativly guess that America fought in the Civil War. I mean, who'd a thought? America? Fighting in the American Civil War? In a moment of inspiration, I asked her who America fought. Her first guess was enslaved africans. Well, at least she knows that slaves were involved in the war. Before she could start listing all of America's enemies, I gave her a hint. I said "The Union fought..." With a crack, snaple and pop, some random synapses in her brain connected in the right order and she said "CONFEDERACY!!!" I was very proud of her, just as you would be proud of a two-year-old who has just announced: "I WENT POO-POO ON THE POTTY!!!!!" What I mean is, you wouldn't be very proud if the average person said that they just took a dookey on the toilet, and you wouldn't be very proud if they knew who fought against the Union in the Civil War. Wolv shoots at TrIbe Rufflet. I confirmed that the Union was Northern and Free, and that the Confederacy was Southern and Slave. We resumed quizzing and she got every question on the worksheet correct. This is because she memorizes the questions. That way, she can pass the test without actually learning anything. You see, if you memorize stuff, you only have to remember that the answer to number 6 is Clara Barton for a week, rather than having to remember that Clara Barton started the Red Cross for the rest of you life. I sincerely appologize if anyone is offended by my view of memorization. I also would like such persons to immediatly leave my site. You don't belong here. You see...knowledge is good. If my sister...uh...Mrs. X were ever asked a question on the Civil War on a quiz show, she'd come up with nothing. With knowledge you can win money and the opportunity to look like a dork on national television. My sister is a big believer in the memorization system. I previous time when I was studying with her (American Revolution, this time) I was trying to help her remember the difference between the Patriots(Patriotic to America) and the Loyalists (Loyal to Britain) She didn't know what the word patriotic meant. I tried to explain. I asked her how you dress on the forth of july (she said nice) I asked what the colors red, white and blue were (pretty). I gave up in exasperation. More recently, I was trying to instill a sense of empathy and niceness in her. I asked her what the golden rule of christianity was. She didn't know. When I pressed her, she confessed she didn't know what chrisianity was. Completly defeated, I told her that it was the religion she practiced every Sunday when she went with her friends to church. This confirmed my suspicion that she only went so that she could have the use of the church's playground equipment. My family also strongly suspects that she stole $20 from the donation thingy. Anyway, that's my rant on the new generation that contains my little sister. When someone of her generation runs for president, I'm gonna do a complete background check. If they're anything like my sister, I'm movin' to Canada. Gotta go...the Russian-Brittish-Iraqi-enslaved-Africans are coming to defeat the Mexicans. I'm back! *there's that darn cricket again* And I have a genuine question to ask all of my loyal readers *cough-cough* Okay, here it is: Is it normal for a non-gender specific sibling to carry around various dead reptiles (snakes, turtles, lizards etc.) Furthormore, is it considered accepted behavior to talk to these dead reptiles, in a cooey, baby talky kind of voice? Finnaly, is it expected for said sibling's non-gender specific parent to encourage such behavior, citing "I was just like that as a child" as an excuse? It's an honest question as I fear that my non-gender specific sibling is weird. Who am I kidding? My entire family is weird. It's just a matter of degree. Hey, by the way. I'm sorry that my last few entries have been only about my various family antics. Although I can't see why you care, because there is a large probability that you do not exist, because I don't think anyone is reading this anymore. How discouraging. People need to make the time to waste time. It's a time honored tradition. Who'd thought that I could use time that many times in only a few sentences? It's been pretty quiet here lately, which is why I haven't added anything to this text in awhile. I know, you were just crushed that nothing new was happening. It's a sad, cold, cruel world out there and you had nothing to relieve the monotony of it. *sniffle* I feel so sorry for you! Next thing you know, you're internet connection will die. Well, too bad! Do you know I never even had a computer untill just a few months ago (that's why I'm obsessivly writing here) So I won't pity you if you're computer dies for unexpected reasons. Time for another quote from the FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK!!! Code: 843 of the Flaming Chicken Handbook states that in no way is the Patron Saint of Paper Clips (guess who?) responsible for any faulty wiring or lack thereof in your computer. The Patron Saint of Paper Clips in no way wishes harm on your computer. Any derogatory statement is simply an opinion of an individual, not of the flaming order of the flaming chickens. Said order will in no way be held responsible for any damages, injuries, loss of life, limb, head, or organs. Okay, quote is done. Maybe I should put quotation marks around them...nah, too much work. But I probably will eventually get around to having a seperate page just for the FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK. That way all the members (what members) can print out a copy of it for themselves (if they didn't get that copy in the mail) I guess I'm done for the day...I know. You want me to stay. It's okay. Because eventually, I'll be back! Seeya! I'm back. And once again suprised. When I was at a TAB poetry thingy (TAB is good TAB is great We love TAB) I met some new people. One of these people (who shall remain nameless untill such time that I have explicit permission to use her name) turned out to be almost as weird as me. As in...she read the ENTIRE Longest Text Ever. The whole thing. So far two whole people (to my knowledge) have read the entire thing, and a few people have skimmed it. That means I really can justify claiming to have two and a half readers! I'm so happy! That means my pointless obsession has actually entertained someone besides me! Perhaps, one day, far in the future, this will actually be a world record and random people will acutally voluntarily read this text every day. Or maybe not. The point is that it is nice to have readers. Or maybe it's not...I mean...won't the quality *snicker* of my work deteriorate if I am no longer writing for the target audience of me? If that happens, then no one will read this. And then I'll be writing for me again. And then the quality will rise. And then people will start reading. And then the quality will go down and the vicious spiral of good and bad will continue untill I either give up this text, or go crazy...er. In any case...I should probably find a topic. Yeah...a topic would be good. Or...I could just continue to write about finding a topic. Ooooo! I know a topic! Ice cream trucks! This has been bothering me for a while. You see...when it's hot, you want something cold to eat. Conviently, ice cream trucks come around during the hottest part of the year (it must be a conspiracy). As you may or may not know, small children swarm the ice cream trucks. The vendors even play whimsical music which I strongly suspect contains subliminal messages to make you hungry for ice cream. The vendors get oodles of cash, and the kids get ice cream. Now, in today's society of buying groceries on-line and getting them delivered, why hasn't any other food industry marketed this ingenius idea to bring the product to the consumer. I can just see Hot Dog, and Pizza trucks roaming the neighbor hoods, selling treats to hungry children...and adults. Of course, said adults would have to peel their butt-cheeks off the couch...but they'd have to do that for the delivary man anyway. The food trucks could even play music that made you hungry for their food. Then the problem with obesity in America would be blamed on evil food truck drivers as opposed to the harmless, benificient television and computer. We could all breath a sigh of relief as parents kept their children inside, Wolv shooTs at Tribe Rufflet. away from the evil truck drivers and near the T.V. Gone would be the days when parents told children to play outside, it's a nice day. Parents would buy their children computers, video games and other television neccesities. This, of course would expand the market for such products. This would lead to a better, more stable economy. Food industires would be buying cars, gas and music. Parents would increase the purchase of entertainment items. In return companies would make a profit, pay their workers better. The workers would then be able to afford more entertainment items and the upward spiral would continue, as opposed to the evil downward spiral of my writing. In conclusion, Ladies and Gentlemen...if you implement my idea, there will be peace and prosperity for all. As long as you don't mind a few more couch potatoes. Gotta go...I think I hear a catchy jingle. I'm back...it's been awhile since I've written here. A lot has happened. Like my EVIL school computer deleting my updates page. But it's all good. Especially since I just saw The Matrix: Reloaded. The following text may spoil the movie for you, so WARNING: do no read this unless you have already seen the movie. Okay. What I liked best was the philosophy on choices. (the mindless fight scenes were really cool, too). It's like this. In the beginning of the movie, Neo is having dreams about Trinity's death. Later, The Oracle tells him that he has already decided her fate. Towards the end of the movie, Neo chooses to tell Trinity to stay out of the Matrix, since he saw her die in it. She agrees, but only after seeing how important it is to him. After a horrific chain of events (is it coincidence, or fate) the people who will deactivate the secondary power source of the building Neo is infiltrating, die. So...the plan is going to fail. Unless someone does something, Neo, Morpheus and many others will die. Trinity, who is of course outside of the Matrix, knows this and chooses to enter the Matrix to save the day. The events of Neo's dream unfold. So...when the oracle said that the choice had already been made, she was completely correct. The moment Neo woke from dreams of Trinity's death, he made a choice. He would do everything in his power to keep his dream from becoming reality. So he kept her out of the Matrix, and she saw the problem, and entered the Matrix to fix it. If she had been in the Matrix, she would have likely been with Morpheus, never would have known about the plan's failure, would therefore not have been in the situation that resulted in her death. And the plan would have failed and Neo might have died, along with a large portion of the city (the building was set to blow if there was any intruders) So...Neo's choice to attempt to save Trinity triggered the sequence of events that led to her death. As Neo realizes all of this, through a nearly omniscient Architect of the Matrix, he makes another choice. This choice is simply an extension of his original choice: he will save Trinity at all costs. Neo is told that he has two choices. He can save mankind, and doom Trinity. Or he can try to save Trinity and doom mankind. No guarantee that he'll succeed Wolv shoots at tRibe Rufflet. in saving Trinity. He goes for Trinity, makes it just in time to catch her body, and starts her heart back up. In return for not taking the easy route, he gains a power in the more or less real world. He can deactivate the machines, (squidies) but at great personal cost. The movie ends with him in a coma. Now, you must realize that I have described only one aspect of this movie of all movies. There are not enough words in the English language to describe the sheer coolness of the fight choreography, special effects and the plot. I highly recommend you see the movie yourself. I'm sorry that today's rant isn't random, insane or completely chaotic, but I must right my experience with The Matrix before I forget. I am so buying this movie when it comes out on DVD. I love it! You have to admit its sheer coolness. I mean, come on! It's the sequel to the movie that revolutionized the standard by which we judge special effects. I better stop typing before I have a heart attack...just remember...The Matrix has you...I'm back. And throughly pissed off at my school system in general. You see...they feel that the only way to reward academic achievement...yada-yada-yada...is to force the smart kids to be ushers for Senior Honor Nite, and Graduation. Where is the logic in this? I for one, didn't know about such dire consequences for not deliberatly failing classes. It was bad enough that I was forced to "volunteer" my precious time (i could have worked on this site)...no...I was forced to wear formal attire. My school system is stuck in the past...and formal attire means...a dress...a white dress...(for those you who never bothered to find out...I am indeed female). So...for the first time in about 5 years...I wore a dress...and something that was complelty white. What cruel fate is this? To compound the EVIL situation...I was forced to wear feminine shoes. In other words...they hurt. And they pushed my toes together. Since I have a rather weird phobia of touching my own skin...this made my evening my own personall torture session. I think that such gender-specific torture should be deemed inhumane and abolished from our great society...of flaming chickens. Henceforth...Code: 666 of the Flaming Chickens Handbook states that under no circumstance will the Patron Saint of Paper Clips (guess who) be forced to wear anything other than a t-shirt and preferably black jeans. Should you violate this right, you will become destroyed or possibly dizzy. I'm leaving now...I have some destruction to do. i'm back. from graduation. we had to get there one hour and fifteen minutes early because there was traffic. After standing around a lot...the ceremony started. Lots of people spoke. by the time I had to do my part (tell people where to stand before getting their diploma) it was dark. there were bugs. they liked landing on me. then...i got to go stand while people said a lot of stuff. i couldn't hear it because someone had put the speakers facing the audience. we clapped. the whole time, even during the name-calling, seniors were playing with silly string and beachballs. afterwards...they turned off the lights. there were lots of fireworks. i wandered around for 20 minutes looking for a cell phone. i called home, and waited another hour for my ride...traffic to the school was one way. i felt sorry for my dad. i am tired...but cannot go to sleep. i'll copy and paste this to my site. maybe the longest text ever. you will all suffer as i have suffered when and if you graduate. i cannot feel my feet. i hate dress shoes. I'm back. Today, I'm here to salute the Pointless Signs Of America! The PSOA have been whole-heartedly working for you, and what have you done for them? NOTHING! These so-called "pointless" signs are doing just what they were meant to do: entertain you! You cannot judge them simply because they have no apparant function. They expand your mind, making you think about all the things they could do. They could do anything they wanted to, if they just put their minds to it. If you judged everything by what it doesn't acomplish, then the entire world is populated by pointless beings. Noone can do everything, so how can you expect a SIGN, with the I.Q. of toilet paper, to do everything. You people sicken me. You expect far to much of the inanimate world. The inanimate world, on the otherhand, expects nothing of you. Which is exactly what it gets. If you expect nothing, and get nothing, you feel nothing. If you expect nothing and Wolv shoots at Tribe RuFflet. get something, you're happy.ots and lots of sugar, and it's Stratton has a great fastball and an excellent curveball, but he needs to refine his slider and work on new ways to confuse his opponents.
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Hey Guys! Check out the Tournaments Room's new Room Tournament called the Best Leaderboarders Tournament, it is a Tournament in which players who have won Tournaments in Tournaments will then go on to get drafted for fake money of which I have a lot, yes I am rich, to play in a Team Tournament to see which Team is best in the Team Tournament by competing against another Team in the Team Tournament and then another Team in the Team Tournament and then another Team in the Team Tournament and then another Team in the Team Tournament and then another Team in the Team Tournament and then another Team in the Team Tournament and then another Team in the Team Tournament and then another Team in the Team Tournament, but wait I have listed too many other Teams in this Team Tournament so maybe Alone shoots at Team Vullaby as there are only Eight Teams in this Team Tournament which means that only Eight Teams will Tournament in the Team Tournament until there are only one Team Tournament is left in the Team Tournament. The winner of The Team Tournament is crowned Team Tournament, the managers of the winning Tournament become the Team Tournament and therefore win the Team outside of the Team Tournament in the Team Tournament in the Torment of a Team Tournament for the Tournaments Room.
So yeah sign-ups are herefor the Team Tournament, if you have any questions don't ask: https://www.smogon.com/forums/threads/blt-v-best-leaderboarders-tournament.3633002/
GXS thanks for the video and coversation topic
So yeah sign-ups are herefor the Team Tournament, if you have any questions don't ask: https://www.smogon.com/forums/threads/blt-v-best-leaderboarders-tournament.3633002/
GXS thanks for the video and coversation topic
Don't move nothin', statue
Shooter 'bout to go nuts, cashew
Need cash off the books, past due
Real cheese for the cooks, rat food
He got drums for that ass, get fucked
Get your face rearranged, Nip/Tuck
Do heavy in the streets, big truck
Give money, get money, that's a stick up
Wallet or your life, choose one
Come up off the lettuce, crouton
You been sleepin' on the shooters, futon
No donation on computers, move on
Clerk's shittin' in his drawers, skid row
Thought shit was just a hood game, skip rope
Shooter read the face real quick, CliffsNotes
Kissed the shoe with the .45, mistletoe
Shoot
[Hook]
Shooter, shooter, shooter, shooter
You don't want it with a shooter
Shooter, shooter, shooter
Cause he got guns and the shit gon' bang
Yeah, the shooter brought guns and the shit go bang, hands up
Got guns in this bitch, go bang
Motherfucker better run when this shit go
Shoot
[Verse 2]
Hangin' off the rooftop, King Kong
Bullets serenade the streets, theme song
Ain't takin' no hits, clean bong
Just need it in an outlet, three-prong
Tired of puttin' in work, weekend
Now we gettin' it shine, sequin
Silence on the gun barrel cause he's sneakin'
Found a spot the pigs can't get to him, vegan
Look at all the folk runnin', marathon
Like they ain't got baggage, carry-ons
Killin' is the best medicine, diagnosis
Got death on his breath, halitosis
[Lyrics from: https:/lyrics.az/clipping/wriggle/shooter.html]
Choppin' people like they veggies, Top Chef
Like a game at a carnival, Wyclef
Think you're playing? Just watch, Timex
Cameras roll cause he hot now, Pyrex
ImmaFirinMahLazer Shoots at Tribe Vullaby
[Hook]
Shooter, shooter, shooter, shooter
You don't want it with a shooter
Shooter, shooter, shooter
Cause he got guns and that shit gon' bang
Yeah, the shooter brought guns and the shit go bang, hands up
Got guns in this bitch, go bang
Motherfucker better run when this shit go
Shoot Shoot Shoot Shoot Shoot
[Verse 3]
Got a towel on his face, mophead
Gettin' money in the desert, hot bread
Wish he had a way home, bread crumbs
Drink himself into a coma, red rum
Solider's eyes playin' tricks, sandwich
Need to get more info, bandwidth
Bunch of signs there to read, pamphlets
But that was not to be, Hamlet
Enemy jumped on his back, monkey
Wasn't leavin' no scraps, junkie
He was wavin' his hands, krumping
Whole body like soup, dumplings
Wavin' AKs at him, step team
Finna blow his ass away, jet stream
Leave his brain in the sand, head trips
Caught his ass on demand, Netflix
[Hook]
Shooter, shooter, shooter, shooter
You don't want it with a shooter
Shooter, shooter, shooter
Cause he got guns and that shit gon' bang
Yeah, the shooter brought guns and the shit go bang, hands up
Got guns in this bitch, go bang
Motherfucker better run when this shit go
Shooter 'bout to go nuts, cashew
Need cash off the books, past due
Real cheese for the cooks, rat food
He got drums for that ass, get fucked
Get your face rearranged, Nip/Tuck
Do heavy in the streets, big truck
Give money, get money, that's a stick up
Wallet or your life, choose one
Come up off the lettuce, crouton
You been sleepin' on the shooters, futon
No donation on computers, move on
Clerk's shittin' in his drawers, skid row
Thought shit was just a hood game, skip rope
Shooter read the face real quick, CliffsNotes
Kissed the shoe with the .45, mistletoe
Shoot
[Hook]
Shooter, shooter, shooter, shooter
You don't want it with a shooter
Shooter, shooter, shooter
Cause he got guns and the shit gon' bang
Yeah, the shooter brought guns and the shit go bang, hands up
Got guns in this bitch, go bang
Motherfucker better run when this shit go
Shoot
[Verse 2]
Hangin' off the rooftop, King Kong
Bullets serenade the streets, theme song
Ain't takin' no hits, clean bong
Just need it in an outlet, three-prong
Tired of puttin' in work, weekend
Now we gettin' it shine, sequin
Silence on the gun barrel cause he's sneakin'
Found a spot the pigs can't get to him, vegan
Look at all the folk runnin', marathon
Like they ain't got baggage, carry-ons
Killin' is the best medicine, diagnosis
Got death on his breath, halitosis
[Lyrics from: https:/lyrics.az/clipping/wriggle/shooter.html]
Choppin' people like they veggies, Top Chef
Like a game at a carnival, Wyclef
Think you're playing? Just watch, Timex
Cameras roll cause he hot now, Pyrex
ImmaFirinMahLazer Shoots at Tribe Vullaby
[Hook]
Shooter, shooter, shooter, shooter
You don't want it with a shooter
Shooter, shooter, shooter
Cause he got guns and that shit gon' bang
Yeah, the shooter brought guns and the shit go bang, hands up
Got guns in this bitch, go bang
Motherfucker better run when this shit go
Shoot Shoot Shoot Shoot Shoot
[Verse 3]
Got a towel on his face, mophead
Gettin' money in the desert, hot bread
Wish he had a way home, bread crumbs
Drink himself into a coma, red rum
Solider's eyes playin' tricks, sandwich
Need to get more info, bandwidth
Bunch of signs there to read, pamphlets
But that was not to be, Hamlet
Enemy jumped on his back, monkey
Wasn't leavin' no scraps, junkie
He was wavin' his hands, krumping
Whole body like soup, dumplings
Wavin' AKs at him, step team
Finna blow his ass away, jet stream
Leave his brain in the sand, head trips
Caught his ass on demand, Netflix
[Hook]
Shooter, shooter, shooter, shooter
You don't want it with a shooter
Shooter, shooter, shooter
Cause he got guns and that shit gon' bang
Yeah, the shooter brought guns and the shit go bang, hands up
Got guns in this bitch, go bang
Motherfucker better run when this shit go
"Prom Night" - All usage of the N-word has been hand redacted by Alore as he tries to disguise his shot as best he can, let's see if the other team can find it!
[Verse 1:]
Charlie Bartlett, John Bender
Class Switcher, Time Bender
Chance Bennett a peculiar name
Graduation night teachers Ferris Bueller'd my name
You made a mixtape? Good job, I hope you get a good job
We was all outcasts only listened to Good Mob
I performed at fun fair
Fun fact, I'm never going back to school
Been there, done that
They see my little 10 Day tape and my dumb raps
Don't call it impossible, if you really want that
They send my ass to summer school, don't call it a comeback
I just came to beat a bully's ass and get my lunch back
Chano y tequila you know you know you don't want that
I rap my songs in Spanglish I wrap my weed in blunt wraps
Wrapped up in this one line I hope that shit get unwrapped
As if REDACTED was getting signed off of a line off one rap
Yo Vic, remember when they called us some freshmen REDACTED rapping?
Now I ain't gonna be a freshman and I'm rapping
I should've learned a lesson from all of this shit happening
I just look over to Justin for refreshments of the Captain
It's sipping when it's weak sauce, it's shots if it's cracking
Sip it when we tear up, and chug it if we laughing
Fuck it if we're fucked up I never thought of Chatham
Until the day they said I would have to chat without em
And I'm just in the studio hoping that it sounds right
Here's a brighter bulb for your limelight
And this is your night, homie, shine bright
This for everybody's fucking prom night
[Hook: x2]
And it's alright
And it's ok
And we're all good
We're with homies
Any problems, you can call us
It's all love, it's all love
[Verse 2:]
Uh, yo this prom shit feel like the Grammy's yo
These pictures Granny took gonna make me ask where'd Granny go
So pass the Sanyo to Auntie Jo and snap a couple candid's of the family
Get some cameos
You can change the clocks but you can't change hours
I'm waiting on the day, Spring can't bring flowers
Let me ask for minutes from dad for those campaign hours
And pour these thirsty hoes a couple champagne showers
And hop up in that limo, the hood going dummy
The hood fucking love me, alore shoots at team vullaby!
So go and pop some bubbly, this right here's to loyalty
This to a moment's glimpse at royalty
This is for my momma Jan who spoiled me
Look what we've accomplished
Time flies, watches look like magnets on a compass
Before we dip, Gladys said a prayer over the limo
Bumping 10 Day with the Angels with Jesus shopping my demo
And rode up out of Chatham, the whole hood clapping
And damn it would be crazy if any of this shit had happened
But it didn't, I missed prom, I missed it to spin
I did a show at AKIN and I would do it again
[Hook]
[Verse 3:]
Look at, look at your business tux, all night airplane
Go and get your racist on, all white everything
I'm on my paper now, put that on my heading
I ain't even write this down I don't write errthing
I know y'all don't like everything
She want a night she can call her wedding
Giving Eskimo kisses, with some Eskimo bitches
Nose diving, going all night sledding
Coked out like "Don't change when you grow up
I hope you get some change when you blow up"
Cause honestly I've always loved the way you could throw up
Rest up on my shoulder, float up flying lotus
"You deserve a warm towel, you deserve a soda
You deserve a quiet room, you deserve a sofa
You deserve a Ferrari and a matching tiara
And a hand to wipe away all that running mascara"
But I, I want to thank you for this prom night
Thank you for this prom night
Thank you for this prom night
I really enjoyed my prom night
[Hook]
[Outro:]
So good, So right
Hey baby, so good, so right
You know it feels so good
So good, so right
To be with you tonight
So good, so right
To be with you tonight
So good, so right
To be with you tonight
[Verse 1:]
Charlie Bartlett, John Bender
Class Switcher, Time Bender
Chance Bennett a peculiar name
Graduation night teachers Ferris Bueller'd my name
You made a mixtape? Good job, I hope you get a good job
We was all outcasts only listened to Good Mob
I performed at fun fair
Fun fact, I'm never going back to school
Been there, done that
They see my little 10 Day tape and my dumb raps
Don't call it impossible, if you really want that
They send my ass to summer school, don't call it a comeback
I just came to beat a bully's ass and get my lunch back
Chano y tequila you know you know you don't want that
I rap my songs in Spanglish I wrap my weed in blunt wraps
Wrapped up in this one line I hope that shit get unwrapped
As if REDACTED was getting signed off of a line off one rap
Yo Vic, remember when they called us some freshmen REDACTED rapping?
Now I ain't gonna be a freshman and I'm rapping
I should've learned a lesson from all of this shit happening
I just look over to Justin for refreshments of the Captain
It's sipping when it's weak sauce, it's shots if it's cracking
Sip it when we tear up, and chug it if we laughing
Fuck it if we're fucked up I never thought of Chatham
Until the day they said I would have to chat without em
And I'm just in the studio hoping that it sounds right
Here's a brighter bulb for your limelight
And this is your night, homie, shine bright
This for everybody's fucking prom night
[Hook: x2]
And it's alright
And it's ok
And we're all good
We're with homies
Any problems, you can call us
It's all love, it's all love
[Verse 2:]
Uh, yo this prom shit feel like the Grammy's yo
These pictures Granny took gonna make me ask where'd Granny go
So pass the Sanyo to Auntie Jo and snap a couple candid's of the family
Get some cameos
You can change the clocks but you can't change hours
I'm waiting on the day, Spring can't bring flowers
Let me ask for minutes from dad for those campaign hours
And pour these thirsty hoes a couple champagne showers
And hop up in that limo, the hood going dummy
The hood fucking love me, alore shoots at team vullaby!
So go and pop some bubbly, this right here's to loyalty
This to a moment's glimpse at royalty
This is for my momma Jan who spoiled me
Look what we've accomplished
Time flies, watches look like magnets on a compass
Before we dip, Gladys said a prayer over the limo
Bumping 10 Day with the Angels with Jesus shopping my demo
And rode up out of Chatham, the whole hood clapping
And damn it would be crazy if any of this shit had happened
But it didn't, I missed prom, I missed it to spin
I did a show at AKIN and I would do it again
[Hook]
[Verse 3:]
Look at, look at your business tux, all night airplane
Go and get your racist on, all white everything
I'm on my paper now, put that on my heading
I ain't even write this down I don't write errthing
I know y'all don't like everything
She want a night she can call her wedding
Giving Eskimo kisses, with some Eskimo bitches
Nose diving, going all night sledding
Coked out like "Don't change when you grow up
I hope you get some change when you blow up"
Cause honestly I've always loved the way you could throw up
Rest up on my shoulder, float up flying lotus
"You deserve a warm towel, you deserve a soda
You deserve a quiet room, you deserve a sofa
You deserve a Ferrari and a matching tiara
And a hand to wipe away all that running mascara"
But I, I want to thank you for this prom night
Thank you for this prom night
Thank you for this prom night
I really enjoyed my prom night
[Hook]
[Outro:]
So good, So right
Hey baby, so good, so right
You know it feels so good
So good, so right
To be with you tonight
So good, so right
To be with you tonight
So good, so right
To be with you tonight
Unicode is a character encoding standard that has widespread acceptance. Microsoft software uses Unicode at its core. Whether you realize it or not, you are using Unicode already! Basically, “computers just deal with numbers. They store letters and other characters by assigning a number for each one. Before Unicode was invented, there were hundreds of different encoding systems for assigning these numbers. No single encoding could contain enough characters.1” This has been the problem we, in SIL, have often run into. If you are using a legacy encoding your font conflicts with the font someone in another area of the world uses. You might have an in your font while someplace else s
For reference on shots:
Hannah shot: https://www.smogon.com/forums/threa...ason-iv-shitshow-f14-lol.3635298/post-7803644
Da Letter El shot: https://www.smogon.com/forums/threa...ason-iv-shitshow-f14-lol.3635298/post-7803647
jalmont shot: https://www.smogon.com/forums/threa...-shitshow-f14-lol.3635298/page-9#post-7803663
zorbees shot: https://www.smogon.com/forums/threa...ason-iv-shitshow-f14-lol.3635298/post-7803655
Wolv shot: https://www.smogon.com/forums/threa...-shitshow-f14-lol.3635298/page-9#post-7803675
Trace shot: https://www.smogon.com/forums/threa...-shitshow-f14-lol.3635298/page-9#post-7803679
Hannah shot: https://www.smogon.com/forums/threa...ason-iv-shitshow-f14-lol.3635298/post-7803644
Da Letter El shot: https://www.smogon.com/forums/threa...ason-iv-shitshow-f14-lol.3635298/post-7803647
jalmont shot: https://www.smogon.com/forums/threa...-shitshow-f14-lol.3635298/page-9#post-7803663
zorbees shot: https://www.smogon.com/forums/threa...ason-iv-shitshow-f14-lol.3635298/post-7803655
Wolv shot: https://www.smogon.com/forums/threa...-shitshow-f14-lol.3635298/page-9#post-7803675
Trace shot: https://www.smogon.com/forums/threa...-shitshow-f14-lol.3635298/page-9#post-7803679