Serious Depression

If I was a flavor of coffee, it would be "Depresso"!

Heh.

bad pun. Okay so I am depressed and I'm making this thread in large part to ask people how they cope with depression they have or had, but also to provide a place for other depressed people to vent their feelings and /or just have someone to listen to them. So feel free to post in this thread.

As for me? Well looking back I think my depression started two years ago when my dad died:[ I really loved him a lot and apparently he died from sort of heart thing because he didn't check in with his doctor so he didn't know it was going to happen. We were going back from Modell's and everything with football gear when it happened, and found out at home. Utter devastation. I can remember most of the details even now. Not having a parent around to nurture you as a child is really harsh, i mean especially at adolescence when so much shit is happening anyway. My mom is usually at work too, so it's like, fuck. I've only begun to realize the extent of my depression yesterday, BUT its been there in some form since basically august 2014, when he died.

so yeah there's my story, feel free to post
 
Speaking from experience, people are the best "cure" for depression. Hanging out with friends is the best means of alleviating symptoms imo. For me, that means hanging out with the people up at work, as a lot of them I am good friends with, and on the plus side I don't have to go to the effort of organising anything. Also as part of my work I occasionally have to do reception, which means pasting a smile onto my face, which although it's hollow, does eventually make me feel less shitty.

Anyhow for me the biggest thing is that I suffer from severe anhedonia, as well as lacking motivation entirely. I have a whole bunch of my own projects that I can do, and also I normally attend uni, but no desire to do any of them, and when I try to work on them even simple stuff feels like a massive task and I usually get nothing done. Otherwise I do things to try and keep myself entertained, but it's ultimately unsuccessful. I get no enjoyment out of things and it's hard to bring myself to do even things I normally enjoy.

What's also really bad is that I've had very little success with medication. I've tried like half a dozen different antidepressants, often in conjunction with other drugs. Most of them did nothing or caused really bad insomnia, there's only been one that I've been able to take that's actually done anything for me, and even then it's been pretty shitty- I got through a year of uni on it, but kinda fell apart at the end, and I was forced to drop out of the only substantial course I've taken this year
 

RODAN

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as someone who has struggled with a lot of depression related issues in the past i can tell you it does get better, it always does. sometimes it takes a while and you have to really look at yourself and question your thoughts. but self reflection has really helped me out. in high school i was about ready to kill myself when my mom caught me and stopped it from happening. i dropped out of school for a year. im not nearly in that place anymore, i still get depressive thoughts from time to time. and i have been a NEET for a really long time (although thats more due to general anxieties) but i can firmly say im in a better headspace than i was.
 
I want to post usefully but tbh I'm too depressed today to really say much.. tw: suicide

a thing that does help me is structure routine and doing things, but it's one of those things where if you could do it, you would be. motivation, energy, etc. are all sucked into a black hole with depression. I have other mental illnesses that make my emotional swings and suicidal ideation more acute so I try to circumvent those by filling my life up with tasks and projects, not to distract me from thinking but to distract me from embracing death. I'm at a point where I'm so used to being depressed and suicidal that I can become suicidal over anything now because I'm so resigned to the idea of suicide (it's a learned pathway; you should try to avoid suicidal thoughts because they become more and more instinctive as reactions to things the more and more you entertain them... I entertained them a lot as a teen as my comfort thought and now for me my three thoughts are 'yes no commit suicide') that I perpetually feel like I'm moving in two lanes of life, the one where I kill myself inevitably and the one where I live and go on to pursue all the things I'm curious about and interested in. At any minute I can switch lane based on what's more available and emotionally appealing to me, which is probably why I'm alive; my attempts have not been premeditated.

I agree that the other cure is people, as much as they can be the inducer. Misanthropy is alienating and hurts so badly. the thing with depression is it's hard to relate to other people who aren't depressed, but opening up and being vulnerable is incredibly cathartic when you aren't hurt for it, and trying to get closer to people is healing. And a lot of people do hide their wounds so to speak so a common thought train with depression I think should be avoided is 'nobody gets it'. Liking other people and the world is a very good antidote to depression and those little sparks of 'I like the world' can be the only thing that can get you through.

another thing with depression is setting goals and things to look forward to. I deal with monotonous spells of depression by finding things to anticipate to break up the time like concerts or book releases or album releases or going out even just to the park. I also like to walk and get out of the house because I start to feel like I go crazy inside and it does help to keep your endorphins up.

A huge thing I found recently when I was virtually internet-free for a month and spending a lot of time with people and doing things out in the world was how happy I was and how often volatile that emotion felt but how much happiness sprung from my ability to be carefree around others and to be near them and to feel understood and to feel grounded in my senses and to be able to live in the moment for once in my life, so I'm trying to recreate that feeling more and more by trying things and trying to be a little more confident and trying to keep off the pc a ltitle bit (even tho it's a valuable support network, I work on it, and I have a lot of friends on here that are just as real to me)

I think depression in your case is very natural as a reaction to sudden grief, and I feel really bad for you. I can see how it would've just been present a long time and realising the extent of pain and loss and demotivation right now might be another stage for grief. In your case I urge you to talk to others (including getting counselling if you can) and to not hide away from life at all. I'm sorry that I can't speak a lot to that subject of parental loss and loneliness, and I imagine you probably want your mom a lot right now. If you can talk to her at times where you're both emotionally prepared to talk through adn process things that might be helpful, because you both probably need each other's support. I'm wishing you the best. Please don't bottle up your feelings.
 

OLD GREGG (im back baby)

old gregg for life
I grew up without a father because my dad loves drugs the most. My single parent mom had to work and accept welfare to raise me and my three sisters. Life can be hard but if you just find something to hold onto through tough times, it can be a life saver. In my darkest hours as a teenager I escaped into my music and video games that gave me a distraction from pain, as well as providing much needed pleasure. Everyone has different coping mechanisms.


How you cope isn't what's important, but coping itself is what is important. Enduring tough times can shape you into a very strong person, if you let it. Positivity can do a lot for your mind state. When I was younger my mantra was life goes on, that still holds true today. I know just how difficult positivity can be to find when you are surrounded by negativity.


The key for me was to withdraw from the negativity and latch onto to what happiness I could find with every bit of strength I had. Let what happiness you can find carry you through dark times. Life is an experience full of good/bad but mostly it is an opportunity to learn. Don't let bad thoughts take you away because we are all on this planet together to live with and help each other. There is always help if you wish to seek it.
 
I'm sure your father wants you to be fine and happy. You just have to want it, even if it's not so easy to do. I think you have to speak with your mom, she loves you without fail. I ask you, don't let it get you down...
 

Cam

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I have also lost a close family member in my mother. Although this was at a young age it has obviously affected me throughout my life. Through stages of what has never been diagnosed but what I would determine in my mind as depression. I found the only way I could get out of a bad mood was to stay around people and interact with others to take my mind off things that would upset me. I find being alone too much can be a cause of negativity, this may not be the case for everyone of course. But if I could offer one piece of advice it would be to find moments of happiness within friends and family by spending time with them. I wish you the best of luck and hope you're okay.
 
ur espresso pun reminded me of a story,

i was out for shopping one day and i stumbled upon a coffee brewing shop, they where selling espresso capsules on -80% off , i had no esspreso machine but i bought them anyway just to let them collect dust on some corner, now, me like most other coffee lovers do get a massive headache from caffeine deprivation , so one day i forgot to take coffee ,
i knew by experience than i only had couple of hours before the ugly nail of pain pierces my head, (its roughly 26 hours since dose coffee intake for me)
was too lazy to get out and get some so after a short search about caffeine overdose i decided to well, eat a espresso capsule whole, yep, just eat the whole shit, without the plastic tho that would be unhealthy , water wasnt enough to delude it, i had to open up the capsule and devour 10 grams of the italian poison dust known as espresso.

I dint feel much at the start so i decided to proceed on doing one of my programming assignments, i was a newbie coder back then, any type or mistake could piece me off really hard, the more i debugged and rebuilt my code the more pieced off i got and as a result my heart beat was rising, at some point my heartbeat got so strong i could feel it and hear it , it was then when i realized that i started losing control over my self, my heart was racing on its own , my body was sweating and shaking like hell and i was laying on the floor fearing that my heart will blow up in any moment, i then use my watch to check my heart-rate, to my surprise it was a 44 bps i was just hearing it too loud, not only i dint have a heart issue but i was actually on a state thats more chill than actual sleep, knowing i was healthy and chill af i decided to spend my the rest of my day with music and massage videos on yt, those vids always had a click on me, and with coffee, i enjoyed them ten times more, long story short seems like too much caffeine threw me into a zone where my feelings are amplified and my senses are blurry af, still have lots of those capsules, i just dont know when and where to use them , and with exdate approaching i think imma just throw them away,


tdlr: espprosso made me feed good once, try some and see if it helps ur depression
 
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My father beat the shit out of me quite regularly and pretends it didn't happen to this day. As you can imagine this made me pretty miserable and keeping a mask on is a lot easier for me than talking about it so I guess this post is a big deal for me.

I am trying to learn how to love myself again so I can move on and be able to properly help other people I care for instead of completely sacrificing my own wellbeing so I guess there's some hope!

(this post might be a bit flippant? sorry if it is)
 
Thanks for making this thread. I actually considered making one myself, but didn't have the guts.

I've had depression for a long time now. I was bullied a lot in elementary school, but I think the depression actually started in middle school. Although the bullying stopped, issues began to arise between my parents, issues that are still going on to this day. The relationship between them has been deteriorating, with fights becoming way more frequent, my father admitting to cheating on my mom multiple times, and accusations of abuse, but I'm not entirely sure about that last one. On top of that, my relationship with my mother began to fall apart as well. We get along sometimes, but there are times where she makes me feel absolutely worthless. I began to withdraw from my family, and I now no longer have particularly close relationships with any of them. I started cutting when I was in 7th grade, and although I've been trying to stop, every once in a while I find myself giving in to the urge again. I became unmotivated, and in general I just believed I wasn't smart enough for school. On top of that, I have a hard time staying focused. All of these things made my middle school experience tougher than it needed to be. Things really got worse in high school though. As the years went on, I just got sadder, and on top of that, I was beginning to experience anxiety. I came very close to failing several classes when I was in 11th grade, and I genuinely believed I wouldn't be able to graduate and go to college. I would often have panic attacks during school hours. I was stressed, unmotivated, anxious, and very suicidal. In fact, one time I scared someone into thinking I was gonna kill myself and he had the cops come over to my place. It had to have been about 3 in the morning. Luckily I had some very supportive teachers, and I also have a therapist, and with their help, I managed to pull through and graduate with around a 3.5 gpa. Now that it's summer, I also got some well needed rest. I've gotten better overall, in that I'm not nearly as negative as I used to be, and my opinion of myself has gone up. Though it's still a struggle, especially with the problems in my house still persisting.

My personal advice would be to seek professional help if you can. My therapist is great, though unfortunately, I don't get to see him as often as I like. (Though admittedly, my mom wants me to be the one to schedule an appointment with him now that I'm 18 and I haven't yet because I'm nervous.)

I have something I want to ask. I'm going to be a college freshman in a couple weeks from now. Does anyone have any advice on how to stay motivated? I really don't want to fall behind this time. I'm sure college is gonna be stressful in general, but I don't want to let things get out of hand and end up overwhelmed like I did in the past.
 

Cam

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Thanks for making this thread. I actually considered making one myself, but didn't have the guts.

I've had depression for a long time now. I was bullied a lot in elementary school, but I think the depression actually started in middle school. Although the bullying stopped, issues began to arise between my parents, issues that are still going on to this day. The relationship between them has been deteriorating, with fights becoming way more frequent, my father admitting to cheating on my mom multiple times, and accusations of abuse, but I'm not entirely sure about that last one. On top of that, my relationship with my mother began to fall apart as well. We get along sometimes, but there are times where she makes me feel absolutely worthless. I began to withdraw from my family, and I now no longer have particularly close relationships with any of them. I started cutting when I was in 7th grade, and although I've been trying to stop, every once in a while I find myself giving in to the urge again. I became unmotivated, and in general I just believed I wasn't smart enough for school. On top of that, I have a hard time staying focused. All of these things made my middle school experience tougher than it needed to be. Things really got worse in high school though. As the years went on, I just got sadder, and on top of that, I was beginning to experience anxiety. I came very close to failing several classes when I was in 11th grade, and I genuinely believed I wouldn't be able to graduate and go to college. I would often have panic attacks during school hours. I was stressed, unmotivated, anxious, and very suicidal. In fact, one time I scared someone into thinking I was gonna kill myself and he had the cops come over to my place. It had to have been about 3 in the morning. Luckily I had some very supportive teachers, and I also have a therapist, and with their help, I managed to pull through and graduate with around a 3.5 gpa. Now that it's summer, I also got some well needed rest. I've gotten better overall, in that I'm not nearly as negative as I used to be, and my opinion of myself has gone up. Though it's still a struggle, especially with the problems in my house still persisting.

My personal advice would be to seek professional help if you can. My therapist is great, though unfortunately, I don't get to see him as often as I like. (Though admittedly, my mom wants me to be the one to schedule an appointment with him now that I'm 18 and I haven't yet because I'm nervous.)

I have something I want to ask. I'm going to be a college freshman in a couple weeks from now. Does anyone have any advice on how to stay motivated? I really don't want to fall behind this time. I'm sure college is gonna be stressful in general, but I don't want to let things get out of hand and end up overwhelmed like I did in the past.
I'm glad to hear you've been getting better now that its summer. I suggest you try and book with your therapist, you'll get over the worry if you just do it :P. Stay safe.
 
Glad to see this has gotten so much attention over the last two days! Depression is a common and big issue in America and most places around the world so it's good to see people posting tips / venting. I'm realizing now that I think my depression is somewhat minor and I can get myself motivated to do most things, but when I'm alone / not hanging out with friends I realize that that's when I get sad. So I'm pretty sure my depression is situational and not a chemical imbalance or something like that. I'm starting to realize that if / when I do get sad it's often when I haven't run in a while (running gets endorphins going, etc etc) and also it's usually when there's not much to do. I usually need something to work on / occupy myself with otherwise I'll get sad / sometimes depressed. Actually something that really helps me is hanging out with my friend Jack. He's really cool and we play Mario Superstar Baseball and Madden 08 and Super Monkey Ball 2 together, and yesterday I actually told him about my depression btw. He thought I wasn't depressed which, I guess I'm not at the moment, I'm only mildly depressed which is definitely good and I hope I can keep it up. Yeah it's weird like my depression seems to come in waves and isn't very bad so I'm not even sure if it classifies as depression. But I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens, feeling good rn though, better than two days ago.

Okay that paragraph was mostly me writing thoughts down / an update. I guess I'll reply to a few people. Whitewash Ortheore jumpluff I agree that people can definitely help heal depression. For me the three people that help the most are by far my babysitter, my mom, and the aforementioned friend Jack. Reason being is that Barbara is someone who's like usually happy and she babysits in the afternoon on weekdays so when I come home in a bad mood or something she's someone who I can tell I'm having a bad day and she'll prod further and keep helping me get more of the badness out and then offer multiple things about what to do from there. She's really great, and can whip up healthy delicious snacks and meals better than any other 59-year-old in my opinion. My mom hasn't been a reliable listener until recently but now she's kinda starting to see my, my sister's, and my brother's situation through the shield of work worries that was blocking her vision before. Now she knows about my possible depression and is trying to ring up a therapist which is great.

Jack is a great friend from maybe second grade, in middle school it was kinda off and on but now we've hung out several times over the past month and he is pretty fun to be with, someone you can spend a whole day with (which is what he usually does anyway). Incidentally, he is actually the only friend that when I invite over I am actually comfortable with. Other friends like x and y and z (not actual names), are okay to do stuff with but I'm not really comfortable with.

Right now I'm actually wondering if I even have depression o.o Like I was feeling really crappy 3 days ago and 2 days ago, and last school year wasn't a good year, but…am I really depressed? Making this thread and now looking at some of the responses I kind of feel like a kid with his hand in the metaphorical cookie jar, or like I'm keeping some dirty secret :( Maybe I just have problems interacting socially and occasionally get in bad moods. sigh. I'm not sure. I'll see I guess.

I do appreciate all of the support though! The Quasar SomewhatOddish Grey Knight Whitewash Old_Gregg jumpluff Ortheore thank you for offering ways to cope depression. At the moment I don't think I am exactly depressed, but..I'm not HAPPY necessarily so I've still got work to do there. Thank you to everyone who's posted so far! As before feel free to post about any depression you have or had, and especially tips with dealing with depressive feelings. My heart goes out to everyone who's posted, let's get well together!
 
For the record, imposter syndrome re: depression is ridiculously common, even amongst the most severely affected. The 'coming in waves' thing is a pretty common manifestation of how it works, and you don't have to be a sad sack every waking moment to qualify as depressed or to even be severely depressed. Everyone has good days! It doesn't mean you're a faker. Glad to hear you've got support and your mum is trying to help on the therapist front, that shit is super important.
 
The 'coming in waves' thing is a pretty common manifestation of how it works, and you don't have to be a sad sack every waking moment to qualify as depressed or to even be severely depressed
Yeah, depression most of the just feels like...emptiness, if that makes sense. I remember seeing a thing on Facebook where some chart said that a good chunk of the time, depression feels like the emotional equivalent of watching paint dry. I'd say that's pretty true for me.
 
Alot of depressed pokemon players hehe (bad joke i know)

Anyway, I have been struggling with depression for about a solid year and some change. I noticed something about mine, is that I have zero motivation unless it is something i can 100% distract myself with (making songs or playing pokes). I would say it all started when I went off to college, it was all kicks and giggles until out of nowhere i start having these flashbacks of some shit i did in the past that I had repressed. I dont know why, but seeing them so vividly made me want to withdrawl from everything and everyone. And slowly I started skipping classes and constantly was thinking of ending it all. And a thought in the back of my mind would always be "you have it made what is there to be depressed about" and that would make me even MORE depressed. So I would say after about 5 months of pure isolation and regret. I dropped out of college and decided enough was enough and asked for help, got a therapist, talked it out, she give me drugs and now I am coping with it, and will be going back to school this fall.

Now OP, I have no idea how it feels like to lose your father and Im sorry about that. But from my experience asking for help, trying to avoid isolating yourself, talk it out with someone, and trying anti-depressants may not solve the issue immediately but it sure as hell helps. Also having a hobby you are heavily interested in helps a ton as well, hope this helped!
 
My depression has been at an all-time high right now and this has probably been the worst week of my entire life. I haven't been able to sleep at all in like 4 or 5 days, every night that I'm awake I feel like I'm going crazy, my entire body hurts, my stomach/throat hurt, and I just can't simply stop thinking about my anxiety. It has gotten to the point that my anxiety as of now ltierally revolves around me having anxiety. The fact that I can't stop thinking about my depression never going away kills me. I don't know what to do. My parents are willing to help me but I'm scared that they might get too frustrated with me and that they start to worry about me. Also: I'm leaving with two other friends to another state of the country for 4 months to work in two weeks. I've been thinking about actually going (even if me not going fucks my entire career up) because I'm not actually sure if I can cope with my episodes of anxiety... I just honestly don't know what to do at this point.
 
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My depression has been at an all-time high right now and this has probably been the worst week of my entire life. I haven't been able to sleep at all in like 4 or 5 days, every night that I'm awake I feel like I'm going crazy, my entire body hurts, my stomach/throat hurt, and I just can't simply stop thinking about my anxiety. It has gotten to the point that my anxiety as of now ltierally revolves around me having anxiety. The fact that I can't stop thinking about my depression never going away kills me. I don't know what to do. My parents are willing to help me but I'm scared that they might get too frustrated with me and that they start to worry about me. Also: I'm leaving with two other friends to another state of the country for 4 months to work in two weeks. I've been thinking about actually going (even if me not going fucks my entire career up) because I'm not actually sure if I can cope with my episodes of anxiety... I just honestly don't know what to do at this point.
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I have anxiety as well, so I know how paralyzing it can be. Sometimes you just feel so helpless. The thing you said about your trip reminds me of how I actually quit my job because I would frequently have panic attacks on the job. However, I'm only 18 years old, and it was a pizza place, so the weight of my decision is not as big as yours. I wish I knew what to say there. Overall, my suggestion would honestly be to seek professional help. Things sound like they're getting really bad for you, so I feel like a therapist may be the best route. Medicine may or may not help. I'm currently not taking any, but if you feel you have to, go ahead. If you ever feel particularly bad, I would also recommend having some emergency numbers. I sincerely hope things get better for you.
 
Hey so I've been at my grandma's house for nearly a week rn and I've been really happy the whole time. Been going places like the park, to a relative's house close by (w/ a pool), met up with our grandpa, and also went to a ropes climbing place where they have seven different courses up in the trees. And in between places I've been playing ping pong with my older brother which is super competitive though I usually lose, and eating delicious food and playing board games like Qwirkle. So yeah it's been a pretty fun time and I hope I'll sat this happy for a while, really nice!

I still really want to help all of you out there who are depressed though, like I'll be completely honest that the main reason I made this thread was for people to post lol, not for me. Looking at my week so far I can say with certainty that being with a bunch of people and doing some really fun things will definitely cheer you up even a little bit when you're depressed. Yeah I think one of the keys is don't isolate yourself when you're depressed. Like if you need to be alone sometimes then only be with a couple people but usually spending some good quality time with people will cure you a bit. Oh and therapists too.

edit: btw don't pay too much attention to my ramblings I just like to write my thoughts out to myself every so often
 

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I've been dealing with some form of depression since the end of a rough relationship two years ago. While I didn't really notice it immediately it started to become clear over the course of time. I've had less energy, I've lost confidence in things I used to be comfortable doing, and I overall have trouble maintaining interest in things I love. While I get the occasional burst of energy to be creative and productive, it doesn't last long. I'm actually going to be staying with my parents for a long time starting soon because in the past few months I had a breakdown. I ended up quitting my job and shutting the world away for a while. I've been in piss poor moods way too often. I'm glad that I'm going to be getting help so I can actually start living a normal life again. I'm tired of feeling the way I do, so I accepted the help I was being offered. My only regret now is not reaching out when the time was right, but better late than never, I guess.
 

DEG

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I need to come out of the closet now :o. Been fighting with depression and anxiety for the past four or five years, it's been a really long ride for me. I've went through everything to deal with it. It really sucks, like wanting to try a feeling but all you get is feeling lost and empty. As for the causes it's most due to the voices that haunt me everyday and love. I really suck at love :^) but I got used to it but these damn voices keep reminding me well, they like to whisper you everytime, it doesn't matter whether you're alone or with some friends when you get depressed you do, I had many instance of depression while I'm outside with some friends, I just stay silent and listen until I get calmer and somehow cheer up. But when I'm alone, yea I can't cheer up unless I talk to someone and these nights are like the worst, I just sit in bed stare at these blank walls with tears in my eyes, crying does really have filling up that emptiness in my heart that I feel. Think and rethink every decision cry about the past and about the future. And the worse if it carries through the night and wakes up with in the morning, I just can't make up and get up and I pretty much know I won't have motivation that day.

I've tried many things to get rid of that feeling that I don't really do anymore but the thoughts are still like portraits on the wall, I used to cut and contemplate suicide, some years ago these feelings were really frequent. Wrestling away a knife or a bottle of pills was harder than cutting I just had no will to live, probably tried one or twice. Seventeen now, I haven't really harmed myself except probably once for the past two years which feels great and I'm glad I stopped. I get suicidal thoughts every now and then but they are easier to drown. I can also say I've used Alcohol mostly in these past two years which can sometimes help, I once drank and still felt empty and depressed but yea I'm trying to stay away from all these harmful things that doesn't really benefit me.

After all these periods of harming myself via cutting or drinking I made a resolution of never resorting to pain to fill my emptiness and now pour all my emotions and passion through poetry, I reflect myself in my writing. I haven't really talked to anyone about my situation or so, it's a long story and I don't really feel recalling up my past so that was a part of my story and how I used to cope with depression in an unhealthy way. I can say from a personal experience it does get better, I passed months not feeling depressed which was amazing probably because I was busy because doing something you like or keeping yourself busy drown out these voices making their screams turn into incomprehensible words.

After all that time I can say, it's been a hella ride depression I'm really eager to see which kind of weapon you're bringing in our next encounter.
Love, DEG.

PS: If anyone needs someone to talk privately to I'm always available, just hit me up with a message on Smogon.

e: mfw 600th post.
 
I've always depressed to an extent and kind of cope....somehow. I either really dedicate myself to things, or give absolutely no effort. I can't really bring myself to study too hard, because I always wonder whether anything'll actually come of it or not; so I try to put in just enough effort, so that if I'm doing well its fine, and if I'm doing badly I always have a stupid excuse like "I didn't even really try". I've lost motivation to even really play pokemon or smash and stuff, and instead just spend a lot of time talking with my friends. It really feels like I have no ambition, and no motivation at times; and for the life of me I can't figure out what is wrong.

I've always been really academically pushed, from when I was a kid and along the way something just broke. I literally lost the ability to do things out of self-motivation. I'm not studying because I want to, or for my future, or for anything real goals I have. I kind of lost all motivation around the 8th grade, and started just coasting along taking things as they came. And it's really impacted my life for the worse, and the last time I really saw it fit to apply myself was for my SATs nearly two years ago. I see my friends enjoying themselves, and I really feel like somethings wrong with me, that I can't just "let go" and enjoy myself. I've never been suicidal, but I sometimes used to just stare into the open skies above on my back and cry. Because there were times I'd feel like I had no real purpose. When I left my parents for boarding school, things just got worse basically, because it was even harder for me to cope with all the anxiety and pressure I was feeling. I don't know if any of you dudes have ever had to do an entrance exam, but for those 2 years entrance exams basically consumed me. I was in a terrible situation, not of my choice, because of circumstance. Where in spite of being an american citizen, I was in India, and had to study for entrance exams to an indian engineering college, merely because it was the most convinient option at the time. It literally broke me. I had classmates leave by the dozen, and at the end I did decently and somehow got through the first set of exams but I already knew, that I had no intention of studying there. So basically two years of my life, with nothing but mindless coaching manuals, and routines to live by took their toll on me, and I didn't even get anything in return.I basically spent two years with no extracurricular activites married to my books; and by the end I hated the enviroment, my teachers, my classmates and came out of everything with a really bitter experience to the point where I have very little if any meaningful contact with my classmates. The fact that I'd actually done well in the first round of engineering exams, where 90% of students in the country got eliminated, only made my classmates hate me even more thanks to the toxic,extremely competitve enviroment that a coaching centre fosters.

Once I finished up with school, my parents(my dad anyway) decided that since I couldn't/wouldn't finish engineering exams, I should be sent to a coaching center for repeaters. mind this was immediately after bombing my second paper, but for the first time I put my foot down, and my mom supported me.

I've always basically been this super timid person, who's really scared to put his opinions forward, and I really feel like this one of the rarer times where I had my say. So I basically had to ace my SATs to study in the states, since I had no extracurriculars worth noting, thanks to my going to a boarding school I didn't want to attend, for coaching for admission to a set of colleges I had zero interest in attending. That basically made me depressed for the longest time, but I somehow managed to actually push myself and ended doing well and got a 2290. It still felt hollow, fast forward 2 years later; I'm done with my first year of college, and I go through bouts of extreme emotion and apathy. I'm on the honors list, but feel nothing. If my GPA dropped below 3.5, or I lost the scholarship I had, I'm sure I'd fall into depression again. Like nothing seems to hold any significance or bring happiness to me; but there a large number of things that will negatively affect my mood, to the point where some people think I'm unsociable. PS is basically one of the few places, where I feel unencumbered by the weight of everything, and I try to unwind; but even here I find people are the same to an extent. I find some "friends" don't even respect you enough, to have a proper meaningful conversation with you, and instead spend entire conversations putting you down. Everything just feels "empty" to me at times, and I wonder how or even why i bother at that point. Its probably my destiny, to be alone in the corner of a room with my books with no close friends to help me through anything. Its like this terrible wave of apathy that comes and goes. It feels terrible to deal with, and frankly having only the internet as an outlet is probably a gigantic problem for me as well.

There are rare times I'm able to let go, but I honestly feel depressed/burnt out to an extent. I agree though that having close friends, family helps to an extent, and I definitely identify with sometimes the day feeling like one gigantic routine with no greater meaning/purpose behind it. I find that as the days go by though, things are getting a little better. Opening up to someone about things, always makes me feel like this gigantic weight has been lifted off of my chest, and I feel a little better just writing this.

I wonder how you guys cope?
 
Genuinely glad you guys are getting better / have got better. I can particularly relate to PHP's post as it very closely portrays what happened to me; the only difference being I was totally unaware of it. I'll try to keep my story short since it's rather similar and not the focal point of my post.

In my younger years during high school, life was great. I was happy, doing well in most things and very social. I got top grades in school because I had motivation and actually studied. I was very outgoing as well, being involved in productive things like sport on a daily basis. This continued into my first year of college (UK college that is), which is during the ages 16-17. In my first year of college I spent a lot time with friends or making new friends, as well as studying a sufficient amount. Basically, it went well.

However, in the second year of college things took a complete u-turn. I was like the complete opposite of my younger self; to the point that family members and friends sometimes said "you've changed" and "are you depressed or something?" I became very anti-social and spent the vast majority of my time camped in my room on the internet, where I just chilled on PS as it was an escape from real life. Motivation was completely out of the window. I literally did no studying for my exams, the only reason I ended up passing was because the grades from my first year salvaged me, as it brought my weighted average for the 2 years just enough to pass. I barely exercised or ate, and most of what I ate was pure junk food. This had effects on my health and I became quite skinny and weak.

I had literally zero idea what was wrong with me. I used to wonder myself why I've changed so much, but I just kept telling my self "oh you're just a lazy shit, you need to fix up." This is what I kept telling myself and I repeatedly convinced myself I'll change tomorrow, but that tomorrow never came. I ended up hating myself. I'd have never considered myself depressed, because in truth I had no idea exactly what it was. My idea of depression was some kind of constant state of sadness. Since I wasn't exactly FEELING sad, I thought there's no way I'm depressed, which is why I was convinced it was simply me being a lazy shit. But that was obviously not the case. I figured later you don't just suddenly become so lazy like that, especially when you were so productive and motivated before.

I can't really pinpoint what it was that put me into depression, but my best guess would be that rather than one event, it was a combination of things which were:

- Shit ton of family issues, some which continue today. The rest kinda went away because I cut off contact with them.
- Things not working out between me and this girl I eventually developed a crush on.
- Loss of a really close girl mate due to some shitty circumstances.
- Mild financial issues.
- Some other things that were going in my life that are a bit too personal.

This state continued a year after college, where I was completing my first year of university (what you Americans call college). I did well for the year but that wasn't because of being motivated and studying, but rather it was me already knowing most of the content they were teaching as I learned it during college, so the year was more of a recap. I still spent my days camped in my room, being anti-social and not being healthy. No eating healthy and very little exercise. Communication with friends and family was minimal, mostly limited to "hi" and "bye" and that's being generous. I became quite lonely too as most of my former friends were separated due to heading off to different universities. It's like I was just going through the motions in life. I had no real plan, ambition and long-term view. My days were like "oh I have university today, guess I'll go." "Oh university finished, welp time to go home and camp in my room." Routine was something like: wake up, eat little, go to university, come home, eat little or none at all, chill in my room, have dinner, go back to my room and chill on my computer 'til I fall tired and sleep. Repeat. I never asked myself questions like "what do I plan to do today / tomorrow," "why am I doing this," so it becomes clear how empty my life felt.

Fortunately, this story has a happy ending as I feel better than ever now. I've become significantly more productive, social and healthier. I started hitting the gym and am stronger than ever. I'm no longer skinny, I'm actually quite built now. I eat very healthy and significantly more than I used to, mainly because I was on a bulking program. I'm way more social with my family and friends, talking to them on a daily basis as opposed to hardly ever like before. My days are no longer spent camped in my room. Now I spend 3 hours exercising everyday with a couple more being social, by either chilling with friends or spending time with family. I semi-quit PS, I no longer spend 4-5 hours a day on it. Now it's barely 1, and at times I go a whole week without even logging on. I just play RandomBattles here and there with my elo currently at 2100+ (flex). I've also made new friends or caught up with a lot of ones through social media and it feels really good. I've been getting comments like "you look better / bigger," "you've changed for the better," and "you're a lot more talkative now." I pretend to just brush them off but really they make me extremely happy as it shows I've made progress.

Getting out of depression was a slow process. It started with faith, closeness to God. I know some of you are atheists so you'll brush this off laughing, but I personally am a believer. Praying to help me get better in life was key. I felt an indescribable feeling in my heart, like a special kind of connection. Gradually, hope grew, then came motivation and a will to get better, then came actually getting better. My habits during this time of praying remained the same, so when the will to get better hit me, it really felt like my prayers were being answered. This is what kickstarted the recovery. What furthered it was hitting the gym and becoming healthier. After that I noticed myself slowly becoming more social. I started using social media again and really put myself out there and now I've become more popular than I've ever been in the previous 4 years of my life. Now I'm happy again, my days are spent productively, I'm healthy as ever and social as ever.

That's my story. Some points I'd really like to make are:

- If you feel you are depressed, try something called "non-zero" days. Non-zero days are basically days where you spend any amount of time doing something productive. It could be 5 minutes, it could be a few hours, it doesn't matter. Just finishing the day knowing you did something productive, so that you've made progress as a person is a great feeling. As for what's productive, it could simply be anything that helps you reach your goals. Non-zero days are a really effective way of gradually becoming better, because how much time you spend being productive is totally up to you, there's no pressure and therefore it is easier to do it. Generally, depressed people hate themselves for how they have spent / are spending their time, so non-zero days is a great counter measure to feel good about yourself.

- Getting healthier goes a long way in jumping out of depression. Spending time exercising and then enjoying that good rest makes you not only feel physically better, but mentally too. This has great short-term effects which then can reap long-term benefits.

- Re-evaluate properly whether you're depressed, or if you're just lying to yourself. I think a big reason a lot of people are unaware they're depressed is because they don't know what it is. I'm an example of this. If you're spending your days glued to PS, being anti-social, camped in your room, procrastinating school and lacking motivation to do anything, ask yourself what's wrong with you. If this is your habits you probably are depressed.

Since this is a COMPETITIVE POKEMON website and seeing how much time some users spend on it, I imagine a good portion of the user-base has the same habits I did. It's not hard to guess someone spending 4-5 hours a day on PS is procrastinating school, staying camped in their room being anti-social and being unhealthy in general, and let's be honest the majority of users here do exactly that. So, I feel the above points are relate-able to the userbase on this site. Last point I'd like to make is just because you don't necessarily feel sad, doesn't mean you aren't depressed. I never particularly felt SAD during my depression; but I learned now depression is a broad topic which also describes things like absolute lack of motivation to do anything, which summarizes my second year of college and first year of university.

Huge shoutouts to user php who has been a fantastic friend for me during this time. We have a really funny friendship. You live across the world so we've never met and probably never will, but somehow you're one of my closest friends. I've told you things which I haven't even told family members and closest irl friends. I like how we push each other to do good and monitor each others progress, while giving each other shit when we slip up. We've still got one key thing to work on and you know what that is. RnD jokes will prevail though. Also Starmei and Daenys for also being really good internet friends and always there to offer some good advice.

Peace.
 
It's really good to see a thread like this.

Talking about your problems isn't always easy (especially given the personal nature of making oneself vulnerable to others), but in my experience NOT talking about how you feel/what's bothering you only leads to a cycle that puts you further and further into the pit, so to speak (this doesn't even have to be specifically related to depression).

I'm rapidly approaching 30 and for most of my life (and in particular being a gay man born/living in the Southeastern U.S./Bible Belt) depression has always been a shadow that lingers overhead. For me it's a fight that I have to choose to fight everyday. Sometimes I let it get the best of me and sometimes I'm able to push it away. Regardless, the amount of support being shown here is amazing and I commend everyone for being brave enough to face this issue head on (APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!).

As others have stated, if anyone here ever needs someone to talk to, my PM box is always open. I can't guarantee that I can help, but I CAN guarantee that I'll listen and give you the best advice I can.

YOU'RE NOT ALONE AND HAVING PEOPLE TO TALK TO IS ONE OF THE BEST DEFENSES YOU CAN HAVE!

Keep being brave, being strong (even when it feels overwhelming), and keep supporting each other. It's often overlooked, but you never quite know how you impact someone's life by just being there for them and listening.

(As an aside if you use the sim, the room The Happy Place is specifically designed for these kinds of issues to be discussed in real time and there are resources available on the room's website if you need immediate anonymous professional assistance.)
 
After reading all these stories I feel like I am extremely fortunate to
A: Have 2 parents still together
B: Not have an alcohol/drug problem in the family and
C: Not have a loved one pass away(well my grandmother died when I was 5 but have only vague memories with her. My other grandparents passed away before I was born)
But I would say that I was depressed(albeit never diagnosed). Up until I was a freshman in high school, I was homeschooled. My parents are Christian and thought that public schools would "brainwash" me into not believing in God. While I myself am a Christian, this sheltering is part of why I was depressed. For 10 years(2004-2014. Kindergarten till high school) I was isolated from other kids my age and by 13, I was pretty lonely. I had friends at my church youth group but they lived too far away from where I lived to be with them other than Sundays so it didn't help much. I have come to realize that I am an extrovert but because of my upbringing, I'm very shy and it's hard for me to make friends to this day. I'd say my depression started when I was around 13. The fact that I had next to no friends gave me the feeling that I didn't matter, no one would miss me if I killed myself etc. I had a strong desire to have friends but ,again, was extremely difficult to make friends because I was sheltered. The only ways I had to cope was by joining Pokémon Showdown among other sites to make friends online with people of similar interests. But what I've come to realize is that while at first it fills the gap but after a while, that doesn't help me feel like I had friends. Eventually, I was forced out of my home to move to a completely new and different part of the country so I had to start at square one. This would actually help me ,despite my anxiety of moving to a completely different town out of my state. Because I was forced to come out of my shell, it was easier for me because I had no choice. Thankfully, I have friends IRL now.
Not sure what advice to give for people struggling with depression but you can message me at any time and I WILL listen
 

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