Serious Depression

ehT

:dog:
is a Contributor to Smogon
[TW: Suicide]

I've lived with depression in some capacity virtually all my life. It's been 2 years since I last had any sort of suicidal ideation, and 2 and a half since my last attempt. That streak ended this week. This last two nights I just laid in bed and stared into my closet and thought about locking myself in there with a belt and not coming out. I had to ask as many friends as I could to check on me and keep me accountable. I didn't do anything—every time I moved to get up, it felt like I was paralyzed—but I surprised myself with how quickly and how dramatically I fell into my old depressive rut.

They say living with mental illness gets easier the longer you deal with it, and I think that’s true in the sense that you learn how to cope. You also learn to sense when it's depression talking and when it's not; it was 100% my depression talking this week when I told myself I needed to die to protect the people I love. Having been through this many peaks and valleys has given me a sense of where I am in a given moment, and I can anticipate a wave of depression coming or going. When I start to get that feeling, I reach out to people now almost reflexively. I have a system to stay safe that I made myself, and I consider that an accomplishment.

That said, nothing I can do will make depression itself any less shit. I was totally prepared this week, but I still had a crisis and I still spiraled. It's humiliating knowing that no matter how much I prepare, depression will always be stronger than me, and it will have its way with me until it's done. No amount of self-awareness will make death any less alluring when I'm at my worst. No number of people asking if I'm OK will convince me in that moment that they care, let alone that they should. It's exhausting knowing that this is my life. My last depressive episode was 3 years. I don't know if I can take losing that much of my life to depression a second time. I don't know if I can stand living in constant anticipation of my next low point. I don’t know if I can stand not knowing how long it’ll be until I feel better again. I just want to be OK without living in fear of this ungodly thing I can mitigate, but never control.
 
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eht I don't know what exactly is going on with you and I won't pretend that I do. But please allow me to talk about myself because it sounds like that symptoms of the struggle you are going to are quite similar to mine. My emotional turbulence got particularly worse today and I was reminded of the existence of your post above.

I don't necessarily suffer from depression (or hell, I might be mildly suffering from it but I never got a chance to diagnose myself except looking up some online shit couple times). It all started from when I was 10 year old in elementary school. During lunch recess, I was one of the nonchalant, happy boy who enjoyed running around the field on a regular basis. I thought the happiness will last forever until I bumped into this guy who proceeded to bully me for next 5 years. He had a huge circlejerk behind himself that the school faculties were too untalented to get rid of, and after getting beaten up during lunch recess, the rest of the days in the elementary school was a torture. I was very talkative, or rather, a loud boy until that beatup happened. While I physically recovered quickly, the beating had too much damage left in my memory. Once in every few days, I woke up from my sleep from nightmare sweating. It always led to me bursting into tears for at least half an hour in the middle of the night. When I told my parents about this, they wouldn't believe me and they would rather reprimand me for doing something else in the middle of the night and trying to come up with excuses. I couldn't even tell on teachers because one, I was a coward, and two, there were some death threats from the bully that I won't even mention because of how unspeakable they were. Fortunately, he was arrested after going to middle school and he will hopefully spend the rest of his life under surveillance of whatever the institution that decided to take a punitive action.

The whole chain of events I had to go through in elementary school made me suffer from being unable to sleep for the 6 months in middle school, which got worse after I have moved to a different side of the Earth. I had to continue sticking with my unempathetic family with barely anyone who would ever understand my shitty English to ever give me a break from the general sadness and sleep deprivation. At some point, my older sibling pretty much replaced the bully I had to deal with in elementary school and started using me as a toy. Everyday I spent during middle school started with a prayer that I won't be beaten or be insulted when my parents were not in the house or during the night. I was too weak to bear with another ordeal and that led me to the point where I got less than 3 hours of sleep per day and I forgot how to smile.

This is where my questions about committing suicide came in. Within less than the first year I moved to US, I made about 4 attempts to end myself. This included drowning, intentionally avoiding to drink water for a day or two, and more. Every time my attempt failed, I fell into a deeper despair with a thought that I am too weak to be courageous enough to end myself quick by using something sharp instead of doing something that takes more than a few minutes, and moreso, I was too much of a weakling to deal with events that eventually pushed me to that point. Me around that time was a guy who struggled to get up from a chair on his own and needed about 5 hours of lying on bed to ever grow drowsy enough to fall asleep. In fact, I continuously waited for the next moment I could end myself because I was honestly curious about whether my attempt will be successful this time or not.

It was 1584th day of me being unable to sleep right when I heard that my grandmother, who is the only one in my family tree who actually treats me as a human being, almost died and ended up with Alzheimer, losing most of her memory. When I overheard the phone call in 2:47 AM in the middle of the night, I was terrified to the point where tears started rolling down from my eyes immediately and blood came out at the same time due to the wound next to my eye that was not yet healed from the beating that happened a few hours ago. I quickly ran to the restroom with a thought I should quietly cry so that I won't wake everyone up in my house. I thought it was perhaps the best chance that I can end myself if I could open the wound and let it bleed until I die of hemorrhage. I turned the light on to identify the exact spot of my wound. The light came out, and I suddenly saw myself in the mirror. It was just a 16 year old kid with a mixture of tear and blood rolling down from his face. It was nothing other than a teen who wanted to end himself because no one around him will ever understand what is going inside in his head and will rather mock him if he ever dares to talk about his suffering. I was rather mad at myself at that point because I never attempted to ever get out of the loop and was sitting in the toilet in the middle of the night, thinking I was in a struggle that I cannot overcome.

While that night didn't necessarily improve my overall situation, it at least forced me to move on and try being a more rational human being. The hatred I once had towards myself turned into a catalyst that got me out of the loop of sleep deprivation. Though it lessened problems with sleep deprivation, it ended up shaping me as a person who is very skeptical and overall quite pessimistic.

I still fear about the next 'strike' of a sudden surge of sadness that always gets me during the middle of the night, and I don't know if that will throw me back in the loop again. But I know that if I managed to survive this long cycle of stress, lack of sleep, and a few suicide attempts when I was even less mature than I am right now, I have a good chance to make it through.

It always seemed to me that life is you vs. the world. Whatever you are facing against, it will be stronger against you. Perhaps the short depression I had might have been stronger than myself. But I don't think you make through your life by necessarily be stronger than something. It is a matter of how many times you get up when you get wrecked. If you are inherently stronger than an obstacle that gets in your way, you are not struggling with it at all. I believe struggle comes from dueling anything that is stronger than myself, and the ultimate goal is to survive the duel instead of necessarily winning it. Perhaps me when I was 13 tried to force myself to win the duel, making me go ahead of myself and worsening the situation as a whole.


I don't know who you are. I have probably seen you the first time when you earned yourself a ladybug. I'm truly sorry if my wall of text didn't do any good, but I was rather feeling oddly familiar to see someone who is bright on the outside but has a deep dark things going on inside. If there are people who need / like / know you, and whether you get to see them in real life or here, that probably means you still have so many worthwhile things left to do. I tried to make myself actually able to go to sleep and when I tried to fill the void in the middle of the night when I know I can't really sleep, I found this website. Perhaps the community you currently dwell in can be a catalyst for your escape from the loop of depression.

It's 1 AM for me and I'm tired so I'll stop here before my writing becomes worse. I meant to vent here about my life after arguing with my parents for 3 hours and writing some profanities on the paper but I remembered that someone here is going through something similar. Anyways, know that at least one person you see in this website will be down to talk with you for an hour (longer if my schedule allows me to) with you about anything. I do this a lot with my high school friends who have as shitty life as I did years ago. I can share more experiences about how so many people threw me off. Lastly, I wish you luck.
 

Raidx

Banned deucer.
I just had a breakdown a little while ago for the first time, and as i write i still haven't fully calmed yet. For months i doubted me being depressed despite both my nurse practitioners and therapist agreeing I display symptoms of depression. Anyways, as petty and immature as it sounds, after reading a message "sarcastically" asking about my social issues (i have social anxiety which can potentially devastate my future), i immediately got emotional and broke down into tears. It's the first time I've cried in years and the fact that it's from some insignificant chat log makes me feel even worse. I vented with a friend shortly after and she gave good support as usual but i'm still in tears as im writing this. This is the point where i realized i most likely do have depression, and it's hitting me hard.

Sorry for such a long sob story, that's uncharacteristic of me but i couldnt help but get that out of me, and I hope for the best to all those who also suffer from depression since i realized how brutal this really is
 

ehT

:dog:
is a Contributor to Smogon
Hey Raidx. I don't know you, but for what it's worth, a lot of depressed people have impostor syndrome with regards to their illness, myself included. People can get used to anything, especially if it's something they've dealt with alone for a long time. When it first occurred to me that I was dealing with depression, it took so much work to reframe my experience in my mind as something that wasn't entirely my fault. Despite thinking constantly that I was a failure and unworthy of life, I thought of every possible rationalization to explain why this constant sadness wasn't really a big deal.

"I'm fine. If I just grow a spine and pull myself up by my bootstraps I'll be back to normal." Never mind that I hadn't felt "normal" for years.

"Everybody hurts and I'm the only one complaining. Why can't I just shut up and be like everyone else?" I was too busy blaming myself to make the connection that wanting to die isn't "like everyone else".

"I have all this wealth and support and privilege. I have no excuse to feel this way."

... Depression doesn't care who you are.

More than anything, people are scared of losing their sense of control, however fleeting and however fabricated. It lets them believe their problems aren't real. But the first step is admitting you have a problem. That it's OK to not be OK. You took that step today. Good on you.
 

Raidx

Banned deucer.
Well the impostor syndrome doesn't apply to me, i never even knew it existed. But before yesterday I never had any moments where i felt like i was sad or anything, but ever since my meltdown it's changed and now I'm still feeling down. The things which didn't bother me at all before are now all of a sudden killing me. Also i've been frustrated all day today and i can't even explain why, this depression shit is so weird and i don't understand what's really even going on anymore. I'm telling my np and therapist about all of this bcus im worried my depression might lead me to do some unwanted things in the future
 

ehT

:dog:
is a Contributor to Smogon
That makes sense. A lot of mental health problems won’t start to consciously bother you until you’ve shone a light on them, and it’ll feel like they came out of nowhere. Like you spilled a bottle of ink all over your brain. Depression doesn’t always manifest as sadness, either. You said you had anxiety. I do, too. Oftentimes my depression and my anxiety will stalemate and just create this general sense of frustrated detachment. All of this is normal. You've done well to tell professionals about this.
 
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Lift, take sports, anything that is physically strenuous.

You're spending too much time thinking and not using your God-given testosterone to do something so you feel weak and useless. We weren't meant to sit on desks all day, and (assuming you're not at work) if you are feeling depressed do 20 pushups. It also conditions your brain to do something when you're stressed/saddened and not cower down.

Growing into adolescence is rough especially without a father, but I know you can make something of yourself despite it. Sounds like some cheesy anime stuff but hey it's not wrong lol.
 
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UberSkitty

cuz I got banned from gen 8
is a Smogon Social Media Contributoris a Contributor to Smogon
Holy shit.

I always planned to post here eventually, but I imagined it would be the day my therapist told me "you're not depressed anymore, congratulations!", and I'd be able to tell my life story and give my advice on how I got over it. That day hasn't come, and probably won't come for a while, especially since depression isn't the kind of thing you can just get over. I honestly don't know why I'm posting this now or what I'm expecting to happen, but I guess I'm doing it.

I spent a good amount of my life trying to be this cool and funny guy who everyone loved, and didn't have a single care. If you knew me in my early days on Showdown and Smogon, you would've seen this. But somewhere around the end of 9th grade and beginning of 10th grade I realized something. I was a terrible person. My actions made others uncomfortable, annoyed, and just ruined their day, all so I could have fun and "be loved by everyone". And I can't say for sure that its only the depression talking, since there are people similar to that in my grade that everyone hates. I don't know if it was that realization that sparked the depression, alongside heritage from my dad's side of the family, or the depression that caused that realization, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was some connection.

As that previous sentence infers, that was around the time I started developing and realizing my depression. There were so many symptoms that I related to, including lack of motivation, difficulty concentrating, trouble sleeping and eating, insecurities, constant feelings of guilt, embarrassment, frustration, and hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts (albeit I've never gotten close to attempting it). I convinced myself it was only a teenage phase, it would go away, but it only got worse and more constant. I didn't tell anyone about it for 6 months, and within that time I realized I had anxiety too. It was a little after that that I finally told my mom about it. I started going to therapy soon after, but it continued to get worse, and it was eventually decided that I'd change to the therapist I'm with now. Even then nothing much changed, so about four weeks ago I was prescribed to anti-depressant medications. I've felt a little better on occasion, but they said it would take three to six weeks to come into full affect, so I have some hope more will kick in soon.

To most of you that know me, this is probably a complete shocker. Since 10th grade I've tried and hopefully improved on my actions and impact on others, while still remaining an upbeat person who jokes around a lot. I try to act carefree, but almost every single action I make I feel overwhelmed by guilt and stress from. How much of what I've presented myself as is really me? I have no idea, but that leads to another of the symptoms that has greatly affected me, self confidence. I struggle in believing in myself when it came to things like art, acting, singing, and even Pokemon-related things like teambuilding, battling, and writing analyses. However, going back to the whole "real me" thing, it also made me question a lot of things about myself.

Am I a vegetarian?
No, you probably eat things with meat in them every day and are just too oblivious to notice.

Do I have friends?
No, the people who talk to you are doing it out of pity and actually hate you.

Am I bisexual? (oh yeah that's also a thing I'm opening up to I guess)
No, you're just telling yourself that so you can feel unique and special.

And finally, is this guy who loves making puns and joking around really me?
No, you're just doing it so others will like you.

Earlier I mentioned my anxiety, and while it isn't uncommon for it to come alongside depression, the two really build off each other. Your anxiety tells you that you're just being annoying and everyone around you hates you, and then your depression tells you that it's all your fault and you should feel terrible about it. My anxiety has also led to really bad habits like biting my nails and lips, and again your depression kicks in to tell you that you're really disgusting for doing it. This is a side not, but it's also led to me constantly double tapping the space key followed by double tapping the delete key over and over again.

While I haven't overcome this yet, I'd still like to say some ways I've dealt with it.

Therapy: Yeah a pretty obvious one, and while it hasn't helped me too much so far, I know it can be a large step opening up and facing your depression head on. It has had some impact on it however, mainly my therapist telling me to "be easy on myself", which I do try to remember when I'm stressed out. They're also the ones that determined I should be on medications, so there's that.

Meditation: Its something that I've only started recently, but it's been pretty helpful so far. When you're alone, you don't have to worry about how you're making others feel and how they feel they feel about you, it allows you to really reflect on what's happened recently or in the past, and how you saying hello to someone in the hallway didn't ruin their life.

Opening up to it: Well this is the first time I've told people outside of my family about it, so I can't say what it will impact, but it still feels kinda relieving (and simultaneously nerve-racking as frik).

Being Social: As much as I enjoy and almost prefer socializing online, and am still working on this one, I can say from a few experiences socializing in real life is much more impactful.

Watching Bojack Horseman: Yeah, a pretty random one. But if there's one thing that's helped me get through some rough times, its this show. Even though its presented as a comedy, its representation of depression is amazing. Whenever suicidal thoughts come into my head I think "If this character who has made much worse actions than you can make it through, so can you". I've watched season 4 episode 6, "Stupid Piece of Shit", more times than I can count, because it is one of the most relateable things I've ever seen. Not going to go to in-depth about it and reach spoiler territories, but if you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about.

Crying: As someone who holds in their emotions all day and to tries to be this upbeat guy, crying is one of the most relieving things ever. While some people may see it as a bad thing, just letting out emotions can feel really good. I've noticed it happens most with me when meditating.

So yeah, I guess that's my story and stuff. Like I said before, I have no idea what I'm expecting to come out of posting this. But as Albert Einstein said, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results", so I might as well try something new, as terrifying as it is.
 
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So I stumbled across this thread about 2 weeks ago by searching a fellow staff member of a room's name into the search bar (you know who you are) and seeing some of the replies from PS! frens (Raidx deetah eht ) made me want to post my story.

I don't think I have depression, and neither does my therapist. But if i somehow do have depression, it is that kind that comes in small stints. this includes sometimes when i get bad grades on stuff (which is unfort usual) and i get yelled at by my parents.

Back in 5th grade they introduced this grade site called homeaccescenter which put our shitty grades online. the year before they did the paper report card and that was so much better. 5th grade was the year my life went to shit because of the new site where your parents could monitor your shit. it sucked.

starting middle school is when my grades started to get worse and i began to struggle. thats when i got yelled at all the time and eventually started to ask myself if it was time to end it all. i was so sick of thia bullshit where my parents cared too much and it was beginning to be too much to bear. in 7th grade shit wasnt any different except i got a dog i could love since i felt like my parents didnt love me as much as they said they did. i started to form a group of friends during 7th grade when i played baseball for the town. 8th grade was probably the best year of all since 5th grade since my grades werent too bad and i had a lot of friends.

then freshman year rolled around.


fresman year started off good but towards november it started getting bad. my grades fell and i started to get yelled at a lot again which made those depressed feelings start to come back. and then, the friend group split up because there's 2 high schools in the district so there's only half of us. the remaining friends ultimately kicked me out of the table because they thought i was annoying and i've sat alone at lunch ever since because i haven't really found friends i can sit down with a lunch. I started smoking weed with a couple of friends to help me relax and relieve the tensionsthere were at home. i still smoke to this day. The i created my PS acc in January of 2017 and proceeded to play it the rest of the year.

Sophmore year came and shit got even worse. i have a love for cooking and there's a program at my school for becoming a chef and going to college so i signed up for it. They had us do all these assignments and i failed a lot of them which resulted in me feeling like shit amd depressed again. In January of 2017, i started to play PS constantly and it affected my schoolwork. teachers would always catch me playing games and eventually put me on warning if i got caught again they would use the firewall to block everything on the computer except the school website. but i continued to play ps without getting caught but still effected my schoolwork. the suicidal thoughts came back and they were stronger than ever. every night before bed, i promised my dog i would see him in the morning so that i didn't end it at night. this got me through (ikr my dog? lol) until i got caught playing ps by my parents again and they threatened to tell the school. i actually got really scared since PS was my favorite thing. then the rest of the year went by with getting yelled at and grounded constantly. summer came and on the 7th day of summer i got my first roomauth in a public room (which later went private :[), scrabble. this helped my take my mind off of real life. beginning of this year rolled around and it started off fine. got 2 other roomauths and roomstaff in scrabble, life was good. then shit started to fall again because im a huge procrastinator and i put everything off until it's too late. tonight, roughly 4 hours ago, my parents found out that i hadn't been retaking my tests that i failed and they made them so pissed. i'm also a compulsive liar which makes it even worse the fact that i lie to get out of shit so i have more time but never do it. tonight actually made me cry and bring back the suicidal thoughts. i sat in the bathroom for a half hour thinking about what i should do. i ultimately made the desicion to post this so i can get this shit off my chest.

it feels soooooo much better now that i've said all this

If any of yall are having trouble don't hesitate to pm me on discord (TheJ3estPenguin#6590). I will not judge you and you can spill anything to me.

Cheers

edit: i didn't realize how long this was o3o;
 
I'm suffering for severe depression associated to major anxieties since 2011.

I got a lot of medication and that's my point, about me i say.
It's so useless to give a long term medication to someone who already take those pills since 7 years! It's more about learning about the environment around me. I have a boyfriend, my gramma and my bro but i realized just yesterday that i was well educated but never got raised. I never got a father point of repair. So that explains my taste in older mens. And we can say what we want, but love, I mean equilibrate relationship HAVE AGE. Joel loves things he loves and I don't blame it, he got 50 yo and I can't change him, his past, his tastes, his projects!

But every night, i MEAN every night, i'm saying to myself: "Save me, please someone save me." Just writing this sentence almost brings me to tears.
It's not Joel faults, not my Gramma fault, it's my childhood, every doctor would say everything that builds you IS childhood, not young age. Young adult age I mean, is full of issues, problems you have to confront. But what can we do to affront something without waepons? Even basic weapons?

I absolutely have nothing.
I'm talented, smart, but clueless.

And that's not what Brintellix will give me: weapons.
 
TheJ3estPenguin thanks for sharing the story. Playing this stupid game was one of my endeavors to overcome the puberty days (that I am still somewhat going through) and helped me a lot when things got difficult. I am more moved by the fact that what you valued there is a relationship instead of the entertainment that comes from battling.

I did not start playing in online simulator because of loneliness, but it has more to do with nostalgic memories I had with playing DPP. The game ended up helping me feel better meeting friends there who share same interests and will listen to your vents. Most of the friends I have interacted with in PS are no longer in touch because they quit after getting banned or got bored. The big incident I had with them remain as one the scars I have today, but it is far from being unbearable because remembering the talks I had with the friends were enjoyable. For this reason I have to encourage you to focus on relationship with the community during the time here.

I don't exactly know your situation but one thing I would talk about is that especially in late teenager period, you will need something that you can fall back on when you are going through a hard time. If you keep telling yourself that "I am depressed and I feel suicidal" or try to evade the concern and go "I'll be fine", the inner stress will be stacked to the point where you can no longer hold it. Once you can't hold it anymore, destructive things will happen.

I have a long scar on my left arm. Looking back, I did it for a silly reason. I just thought my parents won't give a shit about what I would say and I felt too insulted to deal with myself who couldn't even step up to talk to people. That's how low my self-esteem was. What led me to the point where I cut myself is that I felt that no one is going to empathize me at all. Sometimes we really forget that how all we have to do is to find someone who can hear us out we let things out, and we often become too blind to do so. The scar on my arm is almost gone, but it still left me with an emotional pain to deal with for the rest of my life.

Keeping the inner pain to ourselves can be destructive for different reasons. One time I theorized that 'humans can't deal with their own pain and that's what keeps them weak and postpones the evolution'. But after this event, I realized that this can't happen:

4.0 GPA guy in high school. The tallest and the most robust teen boy in high school that girls literally line up to say hi. The guy that makes the whole gym shake with shouts by just standing up. I'm not bullshitting, I'm talking about a real person. At this point you may be wondering how the hell could someone live a good life like this. Here's the transition.

The phone rings the other day, and it's the "guy living the best possible life as a human being" that gave a call. Judging from the voice, he is crying, and when he heard 'what's wrong', he goes through the situation he is in. Ever since his mom passed away 4 years ago, he never had a single drop of tear. Instead he told himself that he will be okay. He forcefully kept himself smiling in school with a terrible pain inside, said hi to everyone, and always dressed up in school uniform during Halloween. From some point he couldn't deal with his own stress and started drinking, ending up getting kicked out of the varsity football team, breaking up with his girlfriend he had since the childhood, ruining the relationship with his father, suffering from insomnia, and having 128 scholarships from colleges cancelled. He now is sitting on his own bed, with a phone in his left hand and a loaded gun from his dad in his right hand.

No one can really go long enough getting away with the pain that we have to get rid of. I respect you for the choice you made to hang out with people here instead of simply getting into Pokemon.
 
If we're being honest, my story is similar to TheJ3estPenguin

I think I can basically trace the spiraling down of my life into one massive shitpile to 5th grade. I had come off a year where I had been one of the most popular people in my grade, yet 5th grade I had no friends, and was basically despised throughout most of my classmates. There wasn't a quantifiable reason for this; one day people decided that I didn't adhere to what people thought was cool, and cast me out like an empty soda can.

So when I went into 6th grade, I didn't have high hopes for the year. I stopped doing my work, and my grades fell off severely. I had two close friends, but I was bullied by the main clique. My parents yelled at me, hit me, but all it did was get worse. 6th grade was one of the worst years of my life.

Then came next year. My grades got worse, my friends were in different classes, and I was bullied incessantly. I got suspended during the later part of the year for a physical altercation. This was easily the worst time of my life. I had nothing keeping me going, and all I saw ahead was a black pit that sucked all my desires into it. This was the first time that it crossed my mind that I may be depressed. I hadn't been diagnosed, so I bluffed it off as nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

8th grade is the last time I remember feeling happy at school. I had gotten into a charter school, and as a result had like- minded individuals. I was once again popular, had genuine friends, and I actually looked forward to going to school. However, the bad habits I had picked up from the last two years weren't as easy to shake off as I thought they would be. My grades were better, but still not up to par with what my parents wanted, nothing short of perfection. So at the end of an incredible year, my parents withdrew me from the school to go back to public school.

I think it really dawned on me then how fucking terrible my life was. And let me tell you, things don't go up from here. This isn't some magical story that ends happily ever after. The only direction my life has known for the past 6 years is down.

I'm not going to go over 9th, 10th, and the start of this year, because they're more of the same shit in 6th and 7th grade. I'm also not going to share the stuff my dad says, because most of it isn't appropriate. I'll just say that the more he talks, the worse I feel.

You know that old saying, "Spare the rod, spoil the child?" There isn't a bigger load of crap I can think of. I can't think of one situation where beating someone, constantly cursing at them, and telling them they'll amount to nothing has actually HELPED said person.

Then my sister died. I actively considered suicide soon after, because I felt I truly had nothing to live for. I got help from some close friends and family, but those thoughts are still there, and it's driving me insane. All of the shit I've been through has hollowed me out inside. I don't really feel attached to the world, I just feel like a ship lost in the backend of our Solar System, where every direction is no direction, and the crewmen have long since given up finding their way back to Earth, because they've been off the ground for so goddamn long. I don't have any desires, any dreams, any aspirations. I feel completely and utterly alone, helpless, and scared. I feel like a bitch for not having the guts to end it, like I'm just taking the way that requires me not to do anything, the way that keeps me making terrible decisions.

That's about it. Sorry if this sounded cheesy, just needed to get it off my chest.
 

Reisen

Octogone
is a Site Staff Alumnusis a Forum Moderator Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnusis a Battle Simulator Moderator Alumnus
Hey guys,

I have read the posts in the last page, I guess the other posts are quite similar, and I really wanted to ask something to you guys. I've read something that I really can't understand and it also makes me a bit mad against those who thinks like that. Some of you say that they thought about suicide and about the fact that it would protect the people they love. How can you say that ? I mean I have lost a very close friend when I was in high school, she killed herself because she was depressed and she didn't know how to escape from it. After that it made so much damage to her family and our group of friends, her old brother just stopped his studies, her parents divorced because they blamed each others for her death and I've known few years after that her mother started drinking.

I will be 25yo next year and it has been 10 years that our friend's group just disbanded, we aren't in contact anymore because we just couldn't stay together without thinking about her and two of my friends failed their first year in med school because of that. Thinking about committing a suicide is the most selfish thing you can do because you just think that it would be better for yourself and you just don't care about the damages you could make to the people around you. There will always be someone that cares about you, friends or family and that's only what really matters.

Getting bullied at school is a "thing" that is being considered now (which is a shame because it exists since a long time ago) but the teachers and the parents are more aware of the danger of harassment, you need to voice up and even if you feel it's a shame to talk about it, you should be more ashamed to think about suicide.
 

ehT

:dog:
is a Contributor to Smogon
Reisen

OK, there's a lot to unpack here.

I've been suicidal on and off since I was 15. Believe me when I say I recognize the damage I would do if I died and I really don't want to do this to people. If there was a button that would make me simply stop existing without destroying myself and my family, I'd press that shit in an instant. Facing my loved ones after my past suicide attempts were among the most awkward and painful moments of my life. Depression feels like my body's full of poison that'll spill all over everyone else unless I stay alive. Holding that poison inside me is the only reason I have to exist. We genuinely think about how other people would feel, because we aren't monsters. What I ask is that you do the same for a minute.

Suicidal thinking isn't entirely rational and isn't entirely voluntary. I had my first suicidal thoughts when I was 9. I didn't understand the permanent nonexistence that is the result of death, and I realize now that no one can, but I did understand its offer of permanent peace. Being dead means you get to feel how you felt in the year 1782 for the rest of time. That appealed to me then, and it still does now. Later in my life, and for the same reasons, it's how I've responded of years and years of seemingly insurmountable pain. Of fighting and fighting and getting nowhere and, I think, quite logically concluding there was no way out.

Over the years my thoughts have become more nuanced than "I'm awful and the world is awful and there's nothing we can do about it so let's all die". I recognize that things can and do get better. I've had good days. But I don't want to be better; I want to be cured. I never want to be as low as I am now ever again. But unless someone somewhere knows something that I don't, mental illness isn't something you can just snap your fingers and make go away. I've done more work than you will ever know to get myself out of this place, and that still hasn't been enough to make me happy. Show me why that isn't a valid reason to want to die, and I'll show you someone who feels entitled to make my life decisions for me.

This is where I get mad. I've carried this weight since childhood pretty much constantly, and when neurotypical folk see me getting sick of this shit they judge me as though they wouldn't give up too if they were in my shoes. Most people have never actually taken a moment to question whether living is worth it, albeit understandably. Not to be actively suicidal, mind you, but merely to ask questions. Independent of my mental illness, I think pondering that question sincerely has made me a better person, since it caused me to reflect on what is actually good about life. But to those who haven't thought about this, life is unquestionably worth living, regardless of context. Life for life's sake. Frankly, that mindset is inane to me, and makes people's accusations of selfishness that much more inane in turn. Not because I expect people to agree with me, but because the anger behind those accusations is so uncritical, unempathetic, and non-conducive to healing (that is your goal, right?) that I can't help but wonder what you're trying to accomplish.

I can't relate to your pain of losing someone to suicide. As far as I can tell, you can't relate to my pain of wanting to die. You aren't selfish for wishing your friend was still here, despite that meaning you wish she lived through her pain. My mom wouldn't be selfish for grieving in the event of my death. I'm not selfish for looking at the state of my life and the state of my future and deciding that all this isn't worth the trouble. These are all logical responses to the circumstances within our lives. What's selfish is demanding that I hold this poison inside of me for you until I collapse then blaming me for it. This is why people frame suicide as a tragedy. Yes, it ultimately comes down to an active decision, but that decision is informed by countless awful circumstances beyond anyone's control. I'm not doing this to anyone. I'm doing this to end my pain. Don't you want that?

I was the one that said I felt like I had to kill myself to protect my family. I recognize that isn't rational. That's because depression isn't rational, and guess what, it's not my fault, either. It's an illness. This is why people who work in suicide prevention don't call it "committing" suicide, as though it's some sort of crime, but rather dying by suicide. More shame just makes people want to die more. More stigma prevents us from having this conversation. It's only because I've learned over years to reign my depression in that I didn't internalize your post as even more reason to kill myself. Please stop thinking this way. Please listen.
 
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Getting bullied at school is a "thing" that is being considered now (which is a shame because it exists since a long time ago) but the teachers and the parents are more aware of the danger of harassment, you need to voice up and even if you feel it's a shame to talk about it, you should be more ashamed to think about suicide.
I'm not going to respond to the other parts because that's not my role. However, I did speak up about bullying. Multiple times. And every time I did, NOTHING changed. It's not like people are UNWILLING to help; they either don't know how, or would prefer to believe something else. Case in point: when I was suspended 4 years ago, I explained what happened, and how the other kids were bullying me. But, they ended up not believing me because the other guy had his friends lie for him. In all honesty, people just say "Get help" yet they have no idea how one could actually "get help". They suggest ideas because they'd rather have it be someone else's problem.

And if we're being honest, I think it's more cowardly to call people cowards because you can't relate to them. That demonstrates a lack of an ability to feel sympathy.

EDIT: Another thing I'd like to point out is that you seem to think people want to feel this way; not that they want to commit suicide (Because unfortunately, that is what happens a lot of times) but that people wanted to feel all those things that led them down that dark path, and that they're selfish for allowing themselves to feel that way. Losing someone close to you is hard, and it makes you feel shit. In my situation, it wasn't a time where I started to feel better because life is short and we need to enjoy it; it made me feel that life is random and bullshit, and that terrible stuff happen to people who don't deserve it at all. You're asking people with a mental illness to be rational and think about how selfish they are. If this actually worked, there would be no suicide cases. Unfortunately, life doesn't determine itself by what people say. I sincerely hope you don't say this to people who are depressed, because if you have, please be aware that that makes people feel much, much worse.
 
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Reisen

Octogone
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More shame just makes people want to die more. More stigma prevents us from having this conversation. It's only because I've learned over years to reign my depression in that I didn't internalize your post as even more reason to kill myself. Please stop thinking this way. Please listen.
Frankly, that's inane to me, and makes people's accusations of selfishness that much more inane to me in turn. Not because I expect people to agree with me, but because the anger behind those accusations is so uncritical, unempathetic, and non-conducive to healing (that is your goal, right?) that it's just like what are you trying to accomplish?
I was the one that said I felt like I had to kill myself to protect my family. I recognize that isn't rational. That's because depression isn't rational, and guess what, not my fault, either. It's an illness.
And if we're being honest, I think it's more cowardly to call people cowards because you can't relate to them. That demonstrates a lack of an ability to feel sympathy.
Are you guys waiting for people to feel sympathy for you on this topic ? Your situations saddens me, but I think you misunderstand something, you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. When I'm reading you it's like there is no way to get out of depression. But as you said eht, it's a mental illness, the effort has to come from your side if you want to get out of it.

eht i've stalked you (sounds weird yea), you're only 23 girl, have you discovered everything in your life ? There would certainly be something that would make you happy to be alive and to live for it

I'm not going to respond to the other parts because that's not my role. However, I did speak up about bullying. Multiple times. And every time I did, NOTHING changed. It's not like people are UNWILLING to help; they either don't know how, or would prefer to believe something else. Case in point: when I was suspended 4 years ago, I explained what happened, and how the other kids were bullying me.
And you, as I said school bullying is a thing now there are official phone numbers just like for beaten childs, there are forums, associations, right now you're just in a situation in which you want people to feel sorry for you (i'm not saying that your situation is normal), but have you at least tried these alternatives ?

I will not be sorry if I've seemed harsh to you because I'm honest and I genuinely think that if me (or someone else) would help you in real life by giving you a hand, this is your work to grab and hold it. I am just not a defeatist and you can tell me "yeah but you're not in depression you cannot understand how hard it is" well ok then what ? it is definitely hard, I get that, but as I said if you want to get out of it, it's up to you and no one else.
 

Rabia

POGGAROO
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Thinking about committing a suicide is the most selfish thing you can do because you just think that it would be better for yourself and you just don't care about the damages you could make to the people around you. There will always be someone that cares about you, friends or family and that's only what really matters.

Getting bullied at school is a "thing" that is being considered now (which is a shame because it exists since a long time ago) but the teachers and the parents are more aware of the danger of harassment, you need to voice up and even if you feel it's a shame to talk about it, you should be more ashamed to think about suicide.
Are you guys waiting for people to feel sympathy for you on this topic ? Your situations saddens me, but I think you misunderstand something, you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. When I'm reading you it's like there is no way to get out of depression. But as you said eht, it's a mental illness, the effort has to come from your side if you want to get out of it.

And you, as I said school bullying is a thing now there are official phone numbers just like for beaten childs, there are forums, associations, right now you're just in a situation in which you want people to feel sorry for you (i'm not saying that your situation is normal), but have you at least tried these alternatives ?

I will not be sorry if I've seemed harsh to you because I'm honest and I genuinely think that if me (or someone else) would help you in real life by giving you a hand, this is your work to grab and hold it. I am just not a defeatist and you can tell me "yeah but you're not in depression you cannot understand how hard it is" well ok then what ? it is definitely hard, I get that, but as I said if you want to get out of it, it's up to you and no one else.
I'm not going to touch on the fact you have lost a close friend to suicide because I am far from qualified enough to deal with that topic.

HOWEVER

What I can talk about is the fact you come across as dismissive and honestly condescending towards all who are dealing with personal struggles, be it anxiety, depression, or any other problem. You call suicide (not even the act itself, literally just thinking about it) "the most selfish thing you can do because you just think that it would be better for yourself" and claim that people "don't care about the damages you could make to the people around you". Do you get the hypocrisy with your statements here? You claim it's unfair for people struggling to want to off themselves because of the issues it would cause others close to them, but you evidently show little regard for the feelings of the person struggling. Is it not unfair to say to someone "no, don't do that because it would disrupt my life"?

People struggling with depression and the like most of the time do reach out. I can speak for myself when I say I have constantly sought help for the last 5+ years. I have gone to multiple therapists; I have talked to multiple friends of mine. I do literally everything I can to keep my depression and anxiety from literally being the end of me. People end up being driven to suicide because of all the effort they put in not working.

What you're doing with your posts is "victim blaming" in a way; you're saying the person under duress is the one at fault, and you are holding them accountable to an unreasonable degree.

I do appreciate that you seem relatively open to helping others out, but I believe you need to look back at what you've said and understand why it comes across as just flat-out mean in some regards.
 
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Reisen im sorry for your loss and I'd like to believe that your anger and misguided feelings come from this negative experience. There are a couple of things I'd like to clear up though regarding mental illness / suicide

Depression isn't about feeling sorry for yourself at all. I'm gonna speak from my personal experience and say that the hardest part for me is the divide between the logical part of my brain and the emotional part. When I understand that a certain thing shouldn't upset me this much or that I really need to get on a task but my emotions disagree. Despite knowing and understanding something doesn't make it any easier to deal with. It took me 3 years to begin therapy despite knowing for a long time that it's the first step to healing.

Suicide isn't something that a person does when in a rational state of mind. I remember promising my best friend years ago that I would never hurt myself. But when your mind is clouded with suicidal thoughts, the pain of living is so great that you really just go into this trancelike state and the best cure is suicide. While, on a good day, I'm confident that i wouldn't hurt myself, its something I can never be sure of because I might reach a point again where everything is too painful and the only thing that makes sense is suicide.

Let this be a message in general too. Don't fully trust a person that says they'll never harm themselves and pay attention to the signs. Also, a reminder that if anyone is going through some hardship, seek help! Easier said than done I know. But you dont need to run out and make a therapy appointment immediately. Talk to your friends, maybe some good people on here, or even feel free to message me (obii#3532 on discord). I got a lot of help and confidence from my buddies on this site and I can proudly say that I havent had severe suicidal tendencies since December 2017.

Good luck to those in the process of healing.
 

GL Volkner

[12:15:34] @Thinkerino: You're an animal
is a Tiering Contributor
I can't ever explain to you how fortunate you are that you have never experienced this, because no matter what I try to say, do or write in order to prove what depression or mental illness as a whole does to a person, I just can't. It's not something you can communicate over text, in words, or actions - The scars you see on a loved one and the suffering it causes you yourself can't ever dare to hold a candle to the inner turmoil that person is going through. And, for your sake, I genuinely do hope you never experience the feeling of depression, because that's not something you can just snap back from, forget and leave behind. Regardless of if you're cured, like me (thankfully) or you're still suffering like the countless other individuals, depression is something that will never leave you. It will have a lasting effect on who you are as a person, and you will never be able to forget how it feels. It's not the kind of thing you can synthesize inside your mind, and it's not the kind of thing you logic your way through. But until you've felt it, you won't ever understand any of that.

I'm not going to go into my story, or anything - Mainly because I don't want Smogon to see that part of me, since there are some people who I know would love to have something to mock me with. Not that I'm ashamed of having gone through it, at all. It's made me stronger as a person, and it's taught me that I'm not weak. Neither is anybody going through this. But it's also influenced years in my life, years which I really wish I could take back but I'll never be able to. It's the kind of thing that I just don't want to be brought up, other than from select few people. I didn't even plan on posting here, but when I saw the previous chain of posts, I knew I didn't want to stay silent and I wouldn't stay silent. Not when I've been suffering in silence for so long. Not when, whenever I've attempted to communicate how I've felt towards other people, I was told things like "You're not depressed," "You don't know what depression is," "Just get undepressed," or "Your depression isn't real."

In reply to your question, Reisen, suicide isn't something you can just logic your way out of, and a large part of that is because it's not something you can just jump into, in my experience. I have never jumped up and been like, "Oh hey, suicide seems like the solution." It was a series of questions that I asked myself which led to it, questions which, at the time, I couldn't answer. "Would anyone miss me?" "Do I have a point in going forward?" "How much longer can I keep this up?" "Why do people keep telling me 'just be patient'?" "Will I ever be okay?" These are all questions I have asked myself, and all of those had zero positive answers at the time I was struggling through it. So no, I never had any reason that could simply be made invalid by simply saying "My family and friends would miss me." Because at the time, I really did feel as though they'd get over it. I felt as though they'd forget me, and that I was disposable.

I'd just like to say that this doesn't apply to everyone. Everyone has their own reasons for suicide. Not everyone has asked the same questions that I have, and not everyone will answer them in the same way that I had. So it's not worth an attempt to generalize everyone's reasons for suicide, just like it isn't worth an attempt to generalize a solution. And above all, having the gall to tell people who have considered suicide that they haven't considered their family, for a lack of a better expression, takes a new level of entitlement. You will never have the right to tell us that we've never considered our family or friends, never. You can't dare to tell me that I didn't consider everything a while back, because at the time, I did. And it seemed hopeless as hell. Suicide is a big decision, but the ones who are suffering from it realize that just as much as people who don't consider suicide do, if not more.

I'm not suffering anymore. I have a lot of people to thank for that, but mainly E4 Flint as he helped me find a purpose in life and he helped me find reasons to live. He's the positivity in my life that I need, and I can't be more grateful to him. He's never left me whenever things got bleak. He had no reason to stay with me when I was having one of my outbursts of anger, pent up frustration, jealousy and insecurity. He's seen the ugliest side of me and been here with me through it all. Let me tell you, nothing has ever made me feel happier in my life than the few months or so where I realized I was cured, and I really was feeling better. What I needed was someone to love, and that someone to love me back (platonically in this case). I needed someone that accepted me for who I was, and that enjoyed me for who I was. I needed someone to make me feel valued, important, and show me that life really was worth it. And I'm happy I've gotten to a point where I can truly say it is. I'm not that 4.0 GPA Mr. Popular with 99 scholarships being thrown at him for free by every university and their mother. I didn't crawl out of this hellhole to be that guy. I crawled out of it to be me, and what I truly needed was to understand that being me is perfectly fine.

But not everyone is so lucky. So I ask you just one thing - The next time you see someone suffering, please don't try to tell them to rationalize their way out of it. As I'd like to think has been made clear, not just by this post but by the many other brave people who put forth their stories, reasons and perspectives, depression and being suicidal just isn't something you can logic your way out of and it isn't something people choose to be in. Nobody chooses to be suicidal. You can't choose to be suicidal. And more than anything, you can't say that suicidal people haven't considered everything. Because, honestly? Chances are they've considered everything much, much more than you can ever imagine.
 

Reisen

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My point here is that depression is a state of mind as it has been said, the only way for you guys to get out of it is to want it. When I see a thread like that it's nice you give your stories but you should know that there are also people who aren't in depression that will read them and they might give their opinions too. I guess i'm probably stupid because I don't understand something that isn't logical and rational but I can't let you say that I have no capacity of empathy just because I'm not expressing the way you want to read it.

In reply to your question, Reisen, suicide isn't something you can just logic your way out of, and a large part of that is because it's not something you can just jump into, in my experience. I have never jumped up and been like, "Oh hey, suicide seems like the solution." It was a series of questions that I asked myself which led to it, questions which, at the time, I couldn't answer. "Would anyone miss me?" "Do I have a point in going forward?" "How much longer can I keep this up?" "Why do people keep telling me 'just be patient'?" "Will I ever be okay?" These are all questions I have asked myself, and all of those had zero positive answers at the time I was struggling through it. So no, I never had any reason that could simply be made invalid by simply saying "My family and friends would miss me." Because at the time, I really did feel as though they'd get over it. I felt as though they'd forget me, and that I was disposable.
The witnesses on this thread are almost (and probably all) coming from people between 14 and 22yo. Of course when someone tells you to be patient it is for a reason, when you will grow up you will have more responsabilities, you will certainly have a work, meet someone you will love, build a family, build a business and those things will certainly make you happy. Right know you've just discovered the immature part of life and it touches you more emotionally than some other people, I get that, but life isn't just about that.

That's why when I read that you have suicidal tendencies and some of you clearly don't want to be alive anymore I feel that you just want to take the quickest and easiest way to escape life. But life is easy for anyone, it will be for sure even more difficult for people struggling with depression and anxiety, but we all need to fight for it.

What I can talk about is the fact you come across as dismissive and honestly condescending towards all who are dealing with personal struggles, be it anxiety, depression, or any other problem. You call suicide (not even the act itself, literally just thinking about it) "the most selfish thing you can do because you just think that it would be better for yourself" and claim that people "don't care about the damages you could make to the people around you". Do you get the hypocrisy with your statements here? You claim it's unfair for people struggling to want to off themselves because of the issues it would cause others close to them, but you evidently show little regard for the feelings of the person struggling. Is it not unfair to say to someone "no, don't do that because it would disrupt my life"?
No it isn't unfair to think like that especially when you are personally fine in your life and you've never asked to get it disrupted by someone else. Of course you're not going to say that to a friend, or someone you know, who wants to die but that's exactly the way I felt when my friend killed herself. My friends and her family were here for her, we weren't disrupting her life, so why did she decide to disrupt ours by doing that ?

I really don't know why you feel it's condescending when I'm expressing the fact that you guys need to fight no matter what, even if it's a really hard time for you that me, and some other people can't understand. As I said, you're experiencing the immature part of life right now, try to find a little bit of positiveness in it and fight the negativity. In my opinion, you have friends and family, which are two essential rocks in life; it's a little bit of something already.
 
The witnesses on this thread are almost (and probably all) coming from people between 14 and 22yo. Of course when someone tells you to be patient it is for a reason, when you will grow up you will have more responsabilities, you will certainly have a work, meet someone you will love, build a family, build a business and those things will certainly make you happy.
This is 100% correct. All storms, no matter what size or destructive ability, pass in due time. I can speak on this topic from personal experience. I used to self harm in middle school and high school because i felt like I was drowning. I had plenty of friends and I was popular because of my many successes in wrestling, track, and football (briefly). The things I felt were undescribable, and they only got worse my junior and senior year of highschool. I was begginning to be bullied by my wrestling team. Of course they didnt mean to make me feel like shit but they did. I've since moved on and now im a freshman in college. Im meeting lots of people and im having lots of fun. Reisen is not being condescending or even dismissive. All he's trying to say is give it time.

I'm currently studying psychology and theres a certain way that I like to look at depression since I was diagnosed with it. I like to look at depression through Erik Erikson's 8 stage theory on psychosocial development. Depending on what you are going through it can adress your issues in an indirect way. Completely disregard the age portion and just focus on what you feel is wrong. If you can't really describe it try looking at James Marzia's 4 identity statuses and try to figure out where you are at. Again, I promise all things will pass if you give them time. Don't rush things or jump to conclusions. Try to find hope or faith in your self or other people. If you're religous try to develop a better understanding of your faith.

EDIT: One thing that really made me feel happy and let me breathe when I was diagnosed was weight Lifting. It actually kind of changed my life because of how much it helped me.
 

ehT

:dog:
is a Contributor to Smogon
I get that This Too Shall Pass. Believe me, I do. I'm not new to this. Reisen seems to have this idea that we just don't want to do the work and that we're weak for that. We're working round the clock, dude. I've been in therapy for nearly a decade. I can count on both hands now the number of medications I've tried that just made me feel more dead inside. This is what I find condescending: the assumption that we simply refuse to see that things can be better as though we consciously chose this all-consuming pain over a good life, when in reality we work harder than you will ever know. Author David Foster Wallace described suicidal depression like this:

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling."
Wallace hanged himself in 2008. He was 46, to your point about age.

When I'm at my worst, I face this dilemma virtually every day. Continuing the burning building metaphor, I've screamed for help, I've kicked at the door, and I've burnt the flesh off my hands trying to turn the knob. That 10th story window feels more and more like the only option with each dead end I reach. In that moment, it doesn't matter how many people love me. Bottom line, reality doesn't matter to an illness. I'm not sure how else to get this across. The only reason I have this sense of self-awareness about my illness is that I've been wrestling with it every moment of every day for over half my life. That's the type of work I've had to do just to function like everybody else. My life right now is the closest I've ever come to sense of control over my fate, and I'm fucking proud of that. If your response to that is still some hollow "it gets better" bullshit I don't know what to say to you.
 
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your response to that is still some hollow "it gets better" bullshit I don't know what to say to you.
It's not bullshit because I assure you it does get better. I'm not going to ignore your personal experiences but I don't think how you feel really matters at all. Maybe you have tried everything, maybe you are trapped in a burning building, but what keeps you from laying down and dying? You've been wrestling with this mental illness for half your life. I've only wrestled with mine for 7 years. Sure you may have been wrestling with yours for longer but what I learned about hope and having "faith" in what I believe has made me a happier person. The meds I tried didnt work. It was time and my own intrapersonal reflections that helped me overcome what I was feeling.

EDIT: your refuse to acknowledge the "its gets better" arguement because you've been wrestling with depression so long that you believe it doesn't.
 

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