Serious Depression

I don't think I'm that awful to talk to
Matthew

For real though, I've gone down a similar road, albeit in Australia which has a much better healthcare system than USA as far as I know. First thing, I would ask your university about counselling services- hopefully they should be free. Maybe you might need to go to to a psych or something, your posts in this thread have been red flags to me but yeah, I can't stress that you seek counselling and see what they have to say.

The second is why are you at uni? If you're there because you want to be, all the more power to you but if you're just there because 'people go to uni after high school', especially considering you have problems underlying college, I'd rec taking a break. I think if you're forcing it on top of preexisiting issues you are going to have a bad time. That being said though, first week is pretty much a meet and greet - you havent really scratched surface of what the course is about. In Australia we have a system where if you drop out of anything before census date (beginning of the 5th week), you don't pay for it. If the USA has something similiar, i think its reasonable to wait a little. I think this also gives you a bunch of time to adjust and talk to people, who knows. Maybe it will get better.

Also I've found people are generally just as awkward as you are and really appreciate it if you just say hello to them. It actually makes a difference and can at least give you some people to hang with in classes so you dont feel alone. You start to see the same people over and over again, so you get a little more comfortable with it. Often at times I'd have to force myself but I was usually pretty happy with it. Also I can't stress the rec of going to groups or social events or whatever - anything you're interested in, really reduces the stress levels. With a sports or arts group it also that helps that you have something to communicate to people with besides words.

Finally, if you have someone to talk to that you trust, venting helps a ton. At the very least I'm here - we're not that close but I'm willing to listen and type TriHard 7.

This post is a mess but hopefully it helps, wishing you the best.
 
I literally can't imagine not having friends, ppl always say it but I have assumed hyperbole. like, dont u just make friends by being in classes with ppl or seeing the same ppl on the quad or in clubs? what about ur roommate, i bet they are a member of a social group you could wheedle your way into. idk, freshman year of college is like the easiest time in the world to make friends so if you cant do it there, you might just be screwed, dude.
I remember reading in a recent survey that close to 1/4 of people considered themselves to have no real close friends

it doesn't bother me personally, I've been that way for so long that it's hard to imagine otherwise, though I'm lucky to have coworkers I can have pretty chill conversations with, I feel like having some in-person social interaction is a lot better than none compared to basically none some of the time back when I was in college. Been more worried about physical health issues, in particular I have something that seems like listening fatigue (ie my ears start to hurt after listening to pretty much anything for awhile, which is usually a symptom of hearing loss but that doesn't seem to be the case and doctors/tests haven't been able to come up with much thus far) which makes it really difficult to enjoy a lot of basic recreation like music/videos/games.
 
I literally can't imagine not having friends, ppl always say it but I have assumed hyperbole. like, dont u just make friends by being in classes with ppl or seeing the same ppl on the quad or in clubs? what about ur roommate, i bet they are a member of a social group you could wheedle your way into. idk, freshman year of college is like the easiest time in the world to make friends so if you cant do it there, you might just be screwed, dude.
I've only had two actual friends ever, and that was over 14 years ago. That doesn't mean I can't get along with my classmates or co-workers, I do, fairly well I think, but I simply don't know how to start a friendship by myself. My first two years of college were hell because of that, a couple of months in I had failed to adapt to the higher standards of effort that uni demanded and to make any sort of acquaintance.
 
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Ashaebi

formerly Mighty Rising Ace
I've only had two actual friends ever, and that was over 14 years ago. That doesn't mean I can't get along with my classmates or co-workers, I do, fairly well I think, but I simply don't know how to start a friendship by myself. My first two years of college were hell because of that, a couple of months in I had failed to adapt to the higher standards of effort that uni demanded and to make any sort of acquaintance.
I'm sorry to hear that :( Maybe you can find and seek opportunities to meet people you feel like you can get along easier? Or maybe have the bravery to talk to anyone? Good luck to ya anyway!
 

eht

UU Tier Mom
is a Pre-Contributor
[TW: Suicide]

I've lived with depression in some capacity virtually all my life. It's been 2 years since I last had any sort of suicidal ideation, and 2 and a half since my last attempt. That streak ended this week. This last two nights I just laid in bed and stared into my closet and thought about locking myself in there with a belt and not coming out. I had to ask as many friends as I could to check on me and keep me accountable. I didn't do anything—every time I moved to get up, it felt like I was paralyzed—but I surprised myself with how quickly and how dramatically I fell into my old depressive rut.

They say living with mental illness gets easier the longer you deal with it, and it's gotten easier for me in the sense that I've learned how to cope. I've also learned to sense when it's my depression talking and when it's not; it was 100% my depression talking this week when I told myself I needed to die to protect the people I love. Having been through this many peaks and valleys has also given me a sense of where I am in a given moment, and I can anticipate a wave of depression coming or going. I have a system now to stay safe that I made myself, and I consider that an accomplishment.

But none of that makes depression itself any less shit. I was totally prepared this week, but I still had a crisis and I still spiraled. It's humiliating knowing that no matter how much I prepare, depression will always be stronger than me, and it will have its way with me until its done. I just want to be OK without living in fear of this ungodly thing I can mitigate, but never control. No amount of self-awareness will make death any less alluring when I'm at my worst. No number of people asking if I'm OK will convince me in that moment that they care, let alone that they should. It's exhausting knowing that this is my life. My last depressive episode was 3 years. I don't know if I can take losing that much of my life to depression a second time. I don't know if I can stand living in constant anticipation of my next low point. I don’t know if I can stand not knowing how long it’ll be until I feel better again.
 
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