i am kind of falling into a bit of a workaholic phase right now just because work seems like the only thing in my life i can actually control, or improve with effort. i am deeply unhappy with the rest of my life and nothing i ever do seems to move the needle any.
about a year and a half ago i moved around 300 miles from home for my first job after completing my masters degree. finishing graduate school was rough and my advisor was borderline abusive at times, accusing me of being a chronic liar or lazy which to some extent became a self-fulfilling prophecy. the more he passive aggressively tore me down, the less motivated i was even though i kept trying to fulfill my commitments. by the end of graduate school i was having horrible nightmares multiple times a week, by the last year of my grad school i couldn't force myself to work for more than an hour or two because it would just make me too anxious and i couldn't focus. i eventually kicked into high gear and worked nonstop for 2 months to finish my master's degree. i was completely mentally broken by the end like every part of me just said "no more" after finishing. it took almost 3 months after finishing before i even left the house. slowly i worked back up to be able to hold a job, by getting a shitty part time cleaning job, then worked for a few months in a factory, and then got an actually decent job in my field but i had to move to get it. its been good but very isolating socially.
ive always been isolated socially. i can only really blame myself because im not a very interesting or vivid person and i haven't done the work to change that. i was bullied and isolated as a kid. my grandparents were very protective, and wouldn't let me do clubs, sports, or go to other kids houses. i couldn't really do anything and i was raised by the internet to a large extent. really the only thing in my life that went well was i got good grades and people though i was a bright kid, but i always felt like a hollow person. i always only had one friend at a time, with a lot of acquaintances among the weird kids who didn't really like me and i didn't really like them but we got along because we were similar in our weirdness.
before i moved, i had two close friends. one friendship seems to have faded completely. the moment that hurt the most was when i was in the hospital last fall, scared i might have cancer, and he wouldn’t even talk to me on the phone. i stopped reaching out to see if he would contact me first, and he never did. my other close friend is married now, and his wife seems very uncomfortable with me being in his life. we still talk sometimes, but only under certain conditions, and it makes me feel ashamed that i’m willing to accept such a limited version of a friendship that used to mean a lot to me.
i’ve tried to make new connections, but it feels like nothing changes. in clubs or social settings, people seem to keep me at arm’s length. dating has been discouraging too. i rarely match with people i’m actually interested in, and even then i often get ghosted or stood up. the painful part is that connection has always mattered a lot to me, even though i’ve always felt alone. i think my biggest dream is to become someone other people genuinely value socially. even if that doesn’t happen, i’d at least like to become someone i can value while alone.
another unrelated, or maybe deeply related issue, is my sense of gender dysphoria. i know that im not a very feminine person in any sense but ive wished to be a woman since a was a child. idk to what extent it is that i really want to be a woman and to what degree it is that just every part of what i currently am feels contaminated and i yearn for a fresh start. and id be lying if i said it was purely an identity level thing. i mean, there is like a self-romanticizing aspect of it and a part of it where i envy women. but it doesn't change the fact that i think about how much i wish i was a woman, or imagine what life might be like if i were a woman, every single day.
and its getting harder to convince myself that things will ever get better. i mean i am 26 and i have limited life experiences, ability to socialize, i am more isolated than i have ever been, and i have never even had a girlfriend. when i try to imagine myself as a boyfriend, or a husband, or a father i can't even picture it. but for most people their romantic relationship is the most important relationship in their life. and i feel like i am completely unequipped in that area. when i ask myself "do you really want to be a boyfriend, with everything that entails" i can't really answer that question honestly. i can't really picture any future, even in the abstract, that i think would make me happy anymore.
so the past few months, i have been taking less and less care for myself. i no longer see any point in working out or anything like that. ive been eating worse. and ive been working way more than before, more than i should really. i let my coworkers push me into re-entering a phd program. really because thats the only thing i know to do. tryharding is the only lever i know how to press. the only areas where i have been accepted socially at all have been domains where i can supplement my character with sheer effort like playing mafia here on smogon, or working insane hours at work. its empty, and doesn't really benefit me in any material way. but nothing else i do does either.
It's hitting with a lot of intensity, but this is a normal phase of your life.
Your life is becoming more hard, complex, and self-directed, which puts more stress on your abilities like taking care of yourself and making connections. You don't need as much individual motivation to do these things in earlier phases of life, so your abilities and systems don't need to become as strong.
Now, you're in an intermediary, vulnerable period of adapting to bear that challenge, figuring out how to adapt, and strengthening your systems. You're growing into a fully-fledged adult. You're lacking motivation now, but you will learn how to build it back up, even under challenging circumstances like you face now. It's normal to not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it will imperfectly, gradually, but eventually, reveal itself as you continue to grow. (I can relate to a lot of how you're feeling here.)
I have two recommendations to help you strengthen your motivation.
First, try new social environments that help you feel valued and connected, without requiring workaholism and icebreaking / social skills to the same extent as your current environments. Volunteering jumps out to me. If you can find a cause or trade in there that particularly sparks you, all the better. A recreational sports league also comes to mind. Any healthy place where you have a clearer role and structure among other adults. (Note –
especially in these environments, it's very okay to be bad and unskilled at doing things! Having spent solid time volunteering / working for an NGO, showing up, caring up, trying to follow directions, and not hurting people goes so far.)
Second, try finding additional wellsprings of motivation and self-valuation, beyond connection and other people. It's always healthy and stabilizing to draw power from multiple sources. On that note,
im not a very interesting or vivid person and i haven't done the work to change that.
Start poking around inside. What do you like and dislike? What do you value? Why? What are your favorite things? What are your tastes? What makes them that way? What's something interesting to you that you enjoy thinking and learning about – go think and learn about them! What is your perspective on things? What are your skills and strengths and weaknesses? Try things, both concrete action things and self-conceptualizations / understandings / framings / representations things. Who are you? Answer the question, give an answer that has some true things but some incomplete or false things, go back, learn more, answer again, give an answer that has some true things but some incomplete or false things, gradually go and grow and get things wrong sometimes and learn about it. Collect data and look at it. Make plans and schemas and strategies. Collect emotional experiences and look at them. Do whatever thing I didn't think to mention that you think you should do, and figure out what that thing is. Don't do whatever thing I mentioned that you think you shouldn't do.
This process is hard and often starts slow. Don't be discouraged if it feels slow and if (when) you get things wrong and make mistakes. Like any thing people do, you get better at it and better able to do it over time. Your post clearly shows you can reflect. Try some more of that, and try some other things that aren't reflecting.
Everyone has a fascinating person inside of them, they just don't always see it, and it takes time to put the picture together.
