i am coming out on the other side of a lengthy tumultuous period. my mother took her own life when i was two years old, and my father was an abusive alcoholic. i have no siblings. i did not understand the depths of my trauma for most of my life, as i had been conditioned by my father to accept life as it was and to not expect things to ever get better. as i do not remember my mother i had become convinced that there was simply an absence in my life, not genuine tragedy and loss. this led to crippling self-loathing for my numerous failures to acclimate to the world around me. why was everything so difficult? it must be a problem with me.
my father passed away when i was in my twenties, almost exactly a decade ago. i was working as a stylist in tokyo at the time, but was able to return to my home country in time to watch him die. this engendered a confusing mix of emotions: relief, guilt, sadness. he was the only thing i had in this world other than my own self, and when i lost him i was left untethered and deracinated. his passing afforded me some theretofore unseen financial freedom, and suddenly i could do almost anything. there is a scene in an early simpsons episode where a colony of ants is kept on a space shuttle, and when the glass breaks one of the ants says 'freedom! horrible, horrible freedom.' this was my perspective.
i went back to tokyo and tried to persevere, but nothing felt right. i was no longer accountable to anyone, so i just played path of exile and shirked my responsibilities and my nascent career. the world had always terrified me, hence my running away to japan to avoid having to become an actual adult, and i saw no real reason to engage with it beyond the bare minimum. eventually i had to return to my home country to handle something with my father's estate, and then covid happened. i was adrift, and so i turned to cannabis. this, as you can imagine, was a mistake. it was my first experience with the drug, and my copious consumption of it triggered a psychotic break and my first ever manic episode. i am not able ot articulate the depth of feeling that that this experience triggered; i did not realize that i had been depressed my whole life, and this manic episode was my first experience with happiness. it was like thirty years of unfelt joy bursting from my being. everything felt real for the first time. my delusions quickly escalated, and by the end of it i was convinced that i was an alien bodhisattva sending myself messages through time.
thankfully i never tested my limits while manic, as many tend to do. over the course of my recovery i have met multiple people in wheelchairs who jumped off balconies and bridges while convinced that they were immortal. the manic episode lasted about three months, and it was quite thrilling. of course, i eventually learned that the crash is always commensurate with the rise. when i crashed, it felt like the end of the world. i was in and out of the hospital, pleading with the staff to protect me from my suicidal ideations, which were ramping considerably. they eventually diagnosed me with schizoaffective (schizophrenia with bipolar) and threw me in a group home. for the next few years i basically did not exist.
eventually, i had a chance encounter with a former friend from high school. she took one look at my situation and told me that i did not deserve to be there. something in her kindness triggered a sort of self-love that had been missing from my life, and i decided to try to make some changes. i entered into the schizophrenia recovery program at the mental health hospital in my city, sorted my shit out, and eventually got my own apartment. i am now a peer support worker, helping other crazies along their often arduous journeys.
i have two pieces of advice for anyone struggling:
1. you cannot get out of this by self-medicating
2. you cannot get out of this alone
i understand that i am luckier than most in terms of the friends i have been able to make. if you are less fortunate, you are going to have to rely on the system to an extent. you are also going to have to find a community of like-minded people, in person if possible, but online groups can help a lot as well. if you are in this thread, then your brain is your worst enemy. do not believe everything you think. you are probably not as alone as you think you are, and if you actually are, then you simply must try to effect changes in your social environment. i spent most of my life completely alone, thinking that because it was safe that it was also healthy. you must understand that 'comfort zone' vs 'danger zone' is a false dichotomy. between the two exists the 'growth zone,' and you must endeavour to spend as much of your time there as possible. i promise that you deserve it.
my father passed away when i was in my twenties, almost exactly a decade ago. i was working as a stylist in tokyo at the time, but was able to return to my home country in time to watch him die. this engendered a confusing mix of emotions: relief, guilt, sadness. he was the only thing i had in this world other than my own self, and when i lost him i was left untethered and deracinated. his passing afforded me some theretofore unseen financial freedom, and suddenly i could do almost anything. there is a scene in an early simpsons episode where a colony of ants is kept on a space shuttle, and when the glass breaks one of the ants says 'freedom! horrible, horrible freedom.' this was my perspective.
i went back to tokyo and tried to persevere, but nothing felt right. i was no longer accountable to anyone, so i just played path of exile and shirked my responsibilities and my nascent career. the world had always terrified me, hence my running away to japan to avoid having to become an actual adult, and i saw no real reason to engage with it beyond the bare minimum. eventually i had to return to my home country to handle something with my father's estate, and then covid happened. i was adrift, and so i turned to cannabis. this, as you can imagine, was a mistake. it was my first experience with the drug, and my copious consumption of it triggered a psychotic break and my first ever manic episode. i am not able ot articulate the depth of feeling that that this experience triggered; i did not realize that i had been depressed my whole life, and this manic episode was my first experience with happiness. it was like thirty years of unfelt joy bursting from my being. everything felt real for the first time. my delusions quickly escalated, and by the end of it i was convinced that i was an alien bodhisattva sending myself messages through time.
thankfully i never tested my limits while manic, as many tend to do. over the course of my recovery i have met multiple people in wheelchairs who jumped off balconies and bridges while convinced that they were immortal. the manic episode lasted about three months, and it was quite thrilling. of course, i eventually learned that the crash is always commensurate with the rise. when i crashed, it felt like the end of the world. i was in and out of the hospital, pleading with the staff to protect me from my suicidal ideations, which were ramping considerably. they eventually diagnosed me with schizoaffective (schizophrenia with bipolar) and threw me in a group home. for the next few years i basically did not exist.
eventually, i had a chance encounter with a former friend from high school. she took one look at my situation and told me that i did not deserve to be there. something in her kindness triggered a sort of self-love that had been missing from my life, and i decided to try to make some changes. i entered into the schizophrenia recovery program at the mental health hospital in my city, sorted my shit out, and eventually got my own apartment. i am now a peer support worker, helping other crazies along their often arduous journeys.
i have two pieces of advice for anyone struggling:
1. you cannot get out of this by self-medicating
2. you cannot get out of this alone
i understand that i am luckier than most in terms of the friends i have been able to make. if you are less fortunate, you are going to have to rely on the system to an extent. you are also going to have to find a community of like-minded people, in person if possible, but online groups can help a lot as well. if you are in this thread, then your brain is your worst enemy. do not believe everything you think. you are probably not as alone as you think you are, and if you actually are, then you simply must try to effect changes in your social environment. i spent most of my life completely alone, thinking that because it was safe that it was also healthy. you must understand that 'comfort zone' vs 'danger zone' is a false dichotomy. between the two exists the 'growth zone,' and you must endeavour to spend as much of your time there as possible. i promise that you deserve it.
