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Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread
- Thread starter Rollout Shuckle
- Start date
I can explain this and it might take me a novel to do it but I've wanted a reason to talk about this for forever
I'll break this down bit by bit:
As you grow older, genuinely maintaining social connections can be very difficult even in the best of times. This has nothing to do with being introverted or extroverted but rather the fact that when we're younger we have all the excess free time in the world to socialize and we are encouraged to do so. When we get older though, we have to be more selective because we just have more responsibilities and things to do, making the act of actually hanging out together to be a much more intentional decision. Whether your friends are online or in person(because let's face it everyone communicates through their phones when they're not hanging out), turning on your phone or computer and being blitzed with like 500 different notifications is genuinely anxiety-inducing to the most calm, cool and collected of us because we feel pulled in so many directions. Because if you pick one "group" to engage with you are implicitly not choosing another, and that can feel cruel. I almost equate it to having 500 different shows you can watch on a streaming service.
One thing I feel it's important for anyone to internalize is that someone will always be upset with you in this life. Speaking in the abstract: if you do thing A, thing B, or neither thing at all, there will ALWAYS be a group pissed off at you for your decision. Especially if you run in multiple different circles like you say you do, your groups are based off different hobbies and personalities. But not to sound cliche, a real friend is someone who is able to understand that you are your own human being and you have to look out for yourself at the end of the day, and that's not always going to conflate with what they want for and from you.
Now to put it into an example with your situation. If you leave Discord and that affects a number of your friendships, then so be it. Even if you interact with those friends in a limited capacity going forward or not at all, I think those friends would be happier knowing that you're healthier for it overall and enjoy those more infrequent, but equally important hangouts. And if they don't understand, that's OK too, they were probably just acquaintances or friends of circumstance.
College is an environment where you learn how to transition from that early childhood to adulthood. If you hang out with your friends all the time(which college makes easy to do), then you have no time for yourself and the various needs you need to take care of. It is NOT a crime to choose to hang out by yourself for a while if that's what you feel you need to do. Spending every second with your friends sounds like an unhealthy attachment or lack of self-worth, and I can tell you this because I used to suffer from the same sort of feeling when I was younger.
That might be a personal problem where the girls either didn't want them to go out or the guys just wanted to include them for fear of upsetting them. Healthy boundaries are a necessity and honestly, if you're the "odd man out" without a relationship in a friend group, you WILL feel a little funny about it because it does impact the dynamic. All you can do for yourself is set and maintain your own boundaries as to what you feel is right though. Sorry about your friends though because that does sound lame.
I don't want to repeat myself but I think the sadness comes from the feeling that you are "obligated" to respond to people or be in environments when you may not actually want to. But if I can offer my sincere two cents: the healthiest people you WANT to talk to are the ones that understand if you don't respond instantaneously, or for a little bit. What you're feeling is the pull toward reasonable boundaries, and I really hope you explore what that feeling means to you. It's trying to help.
ADV Winter Seasonal is coming up and I'm nervous I'm not going to preform as well as I'd like.
It could be nerves, its also because I've had terrible experiences with the ADV scene, but I have this pit in my stomach about it being inevitable I'm going to lose and not do well.
I really want to be good at these games, good enough to say I am actually good, but I don't know if it'll ever happen.
It could be nerves, its also because I've had terrible experiences with the ADV scene, but I have this pit in my stomach about it being inevitable I'm going to lose and not do well.
I really want to be good at these games, good enough to say I am actually good, but I don't know if it'll ever happen.
TW: Mentions of suicide
About a month and a half ago I was sent to a mental facility in relations to suicidal thoughts. I had called the hotline in order to seek help. Yet in spite of my pleas not to, at least 7 cops came to my house. It was deemed largely unnecessary by everyone who knew of the incident, as I was calm, rational and easily explaining things to the officers there. My parents were on the verge of suing for negligence. I was brought to a facility where I stayed a night. I wasn’t able to contact my family, friends, or girlfriend outside of a silly phone on the wall.
It’s been almost 50 days since then, my life hasn’t really gotten much better. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, but there’s no push from my father (the insurance holder) to get any help from a therapist, with him more focused on trying to get me a job in some way when I’m clearly not mentally well. It’s irritating, especially considering he seems to view more as a burden who can’t help himself rather than his own son. It also doesn’t help that we have very different politics that constantly clash and that he seems to be growing distant from me when he knows I have at least one diagnosed mental illness that needs help.
About a month and a half ago I was sent to a mental facility in relations to suicidal thoughts. I had called the hotline in order to seek help. Yet in spite of my pleas not to, at least 7 cops came to my house. It was deemed largely unnecessary by everyone who knew of the incident, as I was calm, rational and easily explaining things to the officers there. My parents were on the verge of suing for negligence. I was brought to a facility where I stayed a night. I wasn’t able to contact my family, friends, or girlfriend outside of a silly phone on the wall.
It’s been almost 50 days since then, my life hasn’t really gotten much better. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, but there’s no push from my father (the insurance holder) to get any help from a therapist, with him more focused on trying to get me a job in some way when I’m clearly not mentally well. It’s irritating, especially considering he seems to view more as a burden who can’t help himself rather than his own son. It also doesn’t help that we have very different politics that constantly clash and that he seems to be growing distant from me when he knows I have at least one diagnosed mental illness that needs help.
My english is not good this post is made with the help of AI please bear with it
I was always a quiet kid. Genetics didn’t really work in my favor my dad has struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. I wasn’t athletic, I wasn’t particularly smart, and I just drifted through life until I failed high school and eventually dropped out.
Around that time before, during, and after lockdown. i became addicted to porn. I stayed at home constantly, didn’t care about what was happening in the world, and didn’t even bother getting vaccinated. Before dropping out, I was put on medication for bipolar disorder, but I later stopped taking it.
Things changed when I made some really good friends online through showdown. I had a lot of fun talking to them, and they meant a lot to me. Unfortunately, some of those friendships didn’t last because of my depressive behavior, but I’m genuinely grateful to them for everything they gave me especially WhoDatMan ihbst
This year, I took an IQ test and found out my IQ is 66, meaning I’ve had an intellectual disability all along. I can be childish and slow, and even though my age keeps increasing, my limitations are still there. There isn’t much I can do about that except accept it.
Still, I’m trying. I’ve started going outside, talking to people, and doing whatever I can within my capacity.
I was always a quiet kid. Genetics didn’t really work in my favor my dad has struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. I wasn’t athletic, I wasn’t particularly smart, and I just drifted through life until I failed high school and eventually dropped out.
Around that time before, during, and after lockdown. i became addicted to porn. I stayed at home constantly, didn’t care about what was happening in the world, and didn’t even bother getting vaccinated. Before dropping out, I was put on medication for bipolar disorder, but I later stopped taking it.
Things changed when I made some really good friends online through showdown. I had a lot of fun talking to them, and they meant a lot to me. Unfortunately, some of those friendships didn’t last because of my depressive behavior, but I’m genuinely grateful to them for everything they gave me especially WhoDatMan ihbst
This year, I took an IQ test and found out my IQ is 66, meaning I’ve had an intellectual disability all along. I can be childish and slow, and even though my age keeps increasing, my limitations are still there. There isn’t much I can do about that except accept it.
Still, I’m trying. I’ve started going outside, talking to people, and doing whatever I can within my capacity.
Hey
i never imagined i would be here writing a post one day (because, you know, i would hope my mental wellness would be stable) but here we are.
Since i entered this new school (April 2025), i feel more…isolated and lonely. I miss my friends from my previous school who are in other institutions(i am very happy for them). But i just feel left out. In secondary, me and my friends just felt a genuine bond between each other. We laughed with each other at inside jokes, celebrated occasions together, and to this day still hang with one another every month or so. But without them closeby i can feel myself breaking apart.
I’ve been crying a lot more recently with no one to share it to, and the people that ive met just feel distant to me. They seemed friendly at first, but ive heard some of them talk behind my back about my insecurities and social akwardness. This is made even worse by every class in my course having group projects where we have to make our own groups, and i dont think anyone would say “hey bro, lets team up with…” willingly. I dont know what i can do to try to improve myself because no one will give me a straight answer, or they will treat me like im joking. Furthermore, my grades are slipping (i am trying to bring them back up, though it will be difficult). I’m also trying to be someone people can rely on, but i don’t think it’s working well and I dont think anyone would give the currently mentally fragile guy a chance (This is why i relate to a character like Twice from MHA but thats not important). I try not to show it, but the cracks are still there.
I’ve also just not been laughing as much recently. Most of my motivations are negatively rooted rather than positively (For example, a good motivation would be “So i can buy that new toy”, while a negative motivation would be “so i don’t become a burden”), and it makes it hard to just smile naturally. Most of my texts with my friends which have me saying stuff like “LOL” or “LMAO” are just artificial and forced (although i do definetly care about them. It’s just hard to show it).
I can feel myself breaking down typing this, feeling more emotionally strained and tired with not many people i can talk too. My showdown friends and secondary school friends are basically the only things keeping me rooted and preventing me from falling apart.
Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Bless you and have a nice day.
i never imagined i would be here writing a post one day (because, you know, i would hope my mental wellness would be stable) but here we are.
Since i entered this new school (April 2025), i feel more…isolated and lonely. I miss my friends from my previous school who are in other institutions(i am very happy for them). But i just feel left out. In secondary, me and my friends just felt a genuine bond between each other. We laughed with each other at inside jokes, celebrated occasions together, and to this day still hang with one another every month or so. But without them closeby i can feel myself breaking apart.
I’ve been crying a lot more recently with no one to share it to, and the people that ive met just feel distant to me. They seemed friendly at first, but ive heard some of them talk behind my back about my insecurities and social akwardness. This is made even worse by every class in my course having group projects where we have to make our own groups, and i dont think anyone would say “hey bro, lets team up with…” willingly. I dont know what i can do to try to improve myself because no one will give me a straight answer, or they will treat me like im joking. Furthermore, my grades are slipping (i am trying to bring them back up, though it will be difficult). I’m also trying to be someone people can rely on, but i don’t think it’s working well and I dont think anyone would give the currently mentally fragile guy a chance (This is why i relate to a character like Twice from MHA but thats not important). I try not to show it, but the cracks are still there.
I’ve also just not been laughing as much recently. Most of my motivations are negatively rooted rather than positively (For example, a good motivation would be “So i can buy that new toy”, while a negative motivation would be “so i don’t become a burden”), and it makes it hard to just smile naturally. Most of my texts with my friends which have me saying stuff like “LOL” or “LMAO” are just artificial and forced (although i do definetly care about them. It’s just hard to show it).
I can feel myself breaking down typing this, feeling more emotionally strained and tired with not many people i can talk too. My showdown friends and secondary school friends are basically the only things keeping me rooted and preventing me from falling apart.
Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Bless you and have a nice day.
This is a tough situation but totally natural. I went through a similar friend group separation going into secondary - a distancing of this type is mostly inevitable at some point from what I've seen (though of course the degree can vary).
As you're growing up, you are better finding out who you yourself are. While it's of course sad and sometimes scary to not be around your friends as much, some distance is healthy to give you space (and incentive) to grow into a person that can be more self stable without leaning on others.
To be absolutely clear, I'm not criticizing you here or saying you did a bad job by leaning on your friends. I did that too and went through that self-stabilizing process too, we all did. It's part of growing up.
What I mean by self stable also deserves clarification.
Self stability doesn't mean it becomes healthy to go alone in life, to go not interacting, making connections with, or getting help from people. Those things are always healthy and good. Self stable means that, when you better have foundation in who you are, you'll relate in a different way to people around you. These relationships will be less important for the sake of stabilizing, structuring, and understanding yourself, and more important for the sake of expressing yourself while interfacing with their uniquenesses on their and your shared terms.
Additionally, when situations and relationships around you go sour (whether from separation or situations and people turning out to be harmful), you'll crack less as you pursue new opportunities and bonds. You'll be less dependent on any one specific source of external support.
I can relate a lot to having felt this. It has been revealed to you that your positive motivations were not fully developed and strengthened enough to bring you through your whole life. This is a normal process. Now is a time to better understand and build up those positive motivations. What really drives you? What motivates you to learn and grow? How do you find depth and meaning in the world? What does your heart say, no matter what negative thoughts other people might have about those words?
I don't have in-depth advice for tackling those questions, because they're ultimately your questions dependent on your values and processes. Take care of yourself, try new things and take some risks, don't go super dangerous impulsive in a way that screws you up going forward. Remember you're not alone out there in this journey, we've done it or are on varying stages of it. Be yourself, and learn what that means, and learn how to do that. It'll be challenging sometimes but succeeding is worth everything.
A final note of practical advice. Consider asking your professor if you can be randomly assigned to a group, or get some other kind of workaround. You can mention you're not feeling great about the prospect of finding people, if you like. A lot of professors (and folks in the real world) are reasonable when you politely and fairly ask for something important to you, and don't want to see you miserable out there and will try and help if you bring the issue in front of them. Managed levels of vulnerability with others - whether in that form or another - is really good for expressing what's true to you, overcoming your obstacles, and building bonds.
This is pretty dumb to me at least, and feels like I’m making a mountain out of a molehole, but tbh I just wanna put shit out there and see what advice I can get.
Growing up as a young kid I had always been decently smart, decently good at the things I do, adept academically, decent socially, loving mom, divorced parents but loving dad too. Largely untroubled upbringing really.
Shit was ok until I entered secondary school I guess. I had always been loud, pretty boisterous, I’d attribute that to mild ADHD that I think I’ve not entirely grown out of. Naturally this disposition carried over even in my new school, and long story short, I realised that not everyone appreciated me being that loud, high energy etc guy. This I would say, was the start of my downward spiral. On top of this, I had entered one of the most prestigious schools in my country, so everyone around me was incredibly smart, talented, or both. Much more so than me, who at that point felt I was quite “up there” with my skillsets. I simply got outshined in almost every area, often by many more than just one person, and therefore started to question my own worth. I would say I gradually developed some form of imposter syndrome, and felt the need to curate my personality to something more accepted by the general majority of people. Hence I grew much more quiet, scared to start a conversation topic about myself or my interests should it make others feel unwilling to interact with me. My social circle hence grew significantly smaller, and I started struggling to keep a hold on friendships I valued, and started to doubt if I myself as a person, was likeable at all.
This bit is more sensitive, I tend not to speak about it at length, but I think it has come to be a crucial aspect of how and why I feel how I feel about myself.
With all this came a strong desire to find something I was good at, that I really excelled in and could be the creme of the crop in. Thats where my toxic relationship with random battles came into my life. I would claim to be pretty good by layman standards at rands, I think most people who actively engage in the rands community would know my name. However, this relationship with rands started to grow toxic for me. I started to base my entire self worth upon how well I could perform in rands opens, or ladder results, and team tournaments. Whenever the progress slowed, I would feel genuinely horrendous, feel worthless, just feel stupid, cuz if thats the one thing I’m supposed to be good at, and I’m not being good at it, what even is the point of my life? Stupid as it seems, I’ve broken down over this question on multiple occasions, and coupled with my above addiction which had not been getting any better, I just felt like a pathetic waste of a person.
Fast forwarding to late 2025 to the start of this year, it has not been the easiest for me. I started questioning my identity as a whole. What even am I doing with this life? If I can’t even do anything well, if I cant even sort out one personal issue, am I not just a pathetic and disgusting person? I actively started hating myself and detesting every aspect of myself. By this stage I’d began to feel extremely emotionally dry for a while. None of my emotions felt real. The joy, sadness, anger etc. emotions all felt fabricated. When whatever emotion I felt faded off I just felt hollow. Devoid of any lingering emotion that tends to be the case even right after feeling extreme emotion. Everything I felt began to just seem to be a coordinated response to emotion triggering stimuli around me, and simply did not, and does not feel real anymore.
Enter 2026, where on the first weekend of the year, my closest friend, the only irl friend I felt like I had maintained thru all my changes and emotional turmoil, had a suicidal phase. After having him support me and still be my best friend thru phases of being a dick to everyone, phases of being overly clingy, phases of being way too loud and high energy toward people around me (which I all hated about myself by the way), I felt helpless. He told me about how he spent over an hour at a ledge on the 14th floor questioning about whether he should pitch himself over, about scratching himself to draw blood multiple times through that episode and more. Eventually he did snap out of that frame of mind, and he did say he was grateful to me being there to support him thru, but I couldnt help but feel like I was useless. I still feel so. I felt like I did absolutely nothing to help him, that he only snapped out due to his own rationalising of his situation. I felt that I had no answers to the questions he asked, and all I was able to do was beg for him to not do anything stupid. I couldnt even convince him to meet up with me till after the episode was over, I didnt have the courage to put down my foot and tell him thats what he needed, nothing. I did nothing right.
Hence I started to question if anything I do even matters. With or without my input, if things will still turn out a certain way, nothing I do matters at all. If I say mean things to people and they still choose to be around me and support me does what I actually do in a friendship actually matter at all. Granted then, if it doesn’t matter at all, and what matters is your emotions which define who you are as a person, I barely even feel anything either. My above problems used to be things I’d cry while telling people about, but while they still matter to me and are still unresolved, I dont feel anything at all while typing them out. It has really reached a point where I’m asking myself if there is even a point in me being around anymore. If my actions have no consequence, and emotions basically dont feel legit anymore, together with not achieving or doing anything that i excel in or helps others, what the hell is the purpose in my life then? Whether or not I improve as a person, I feel exactly the same way. whether I’m bantering with friends or arguing with them, whatever I feel just feels like a plastic template. The emptiness feels horrible as well, i dont quite know how to describe it, it just feels overwhelmingly horrible.
edit: I realised i completely forgot to talk about this, but I had something like an panic attack just a few days ago. everything just felt like it froze, I just felt gripped by something that would not let me operate regularly as a person. The only way I felt I could make it feel better was by biting my own arm. It was deeply unsettling. It was also from this point where I started to realise that my emotions barely felt like anything anymore. It was like after experiencing this all encompassing immobilising fear nothing else I felt carried any weight any longer.
This is really dumb honestly. I dont even know what I want or expect from this post.
Growing up as a young kid I had always been decently smart, decently good at the things I do, adept academically, decent socially, loving mom, divorced parents but loving dad too. Largely untroubled upbringing really.
Shit was ok until I entered secondary school I guess. I had always been loud, pretty boisterous, I’d attribute that to mild ADHD that I think I’ve not entirely grown out of. Naturally this disposition carried over even in my new school, and long story short, I realised that not everyone appreciated me being that loud, high energy etc guy. This I would say, was the start of my downward spiral. On top of this, I had entered one of the most prestigious schools in my country, so everyone around me was incredibly smart, talented, or both. Much more so than me, who at that point felt I was quite “up there” with my skillsets. I simply got outshined in almost every area, often by many more than just one person, and therefore started to question my own worth. I would say I gradually developed some form of imposter syndrome, and felt the need to curate my personality to something more accepted by the general majority of people. Hence I grew much more quiet, scared to start a conversation topic about myself or my interests should it make others feel unwilling to interact with me. My social circle hence grew significantly smaller, and I started struggling to keep a hold on friendships I valued, and started to doubt if I myself as a person, was likeable at all.
This bit is more sensitive, I tend not to speak about it at length, but I think it has come to be a crucial aspect of how and why I feel how I feel about myself.
I was exposed to this overarching concept of porn when I was pretty young, I’d say when I was 9? and frankly it was not good for me at all. Initially it was just this thing I knew was taboo (in asian society at least) so found some classic ways to avoid detection (incognito tabs and clearing search history groundbreaking I know.) Thing about curiosity however, is that it really does kill the cat if left unchecked. Then came that age where somehow, someway, masturbation found its way into yet another curious teen’s life. Initially it didn’t feel that morally wrong, just an extension of the taboo that I would not want my parents or peers finding out about. Then I started having feelings for some girl I knew, hence started questioning the moral aspect of it. Am I letting this person down if I continue engaging in masturbation to porn? Is it not just lusting over some person I don’t even know or even a fictional character while claiming to have feelings for someone I DO know? So there came guilt, together with the recognition that I was stuck in a cycle of addiction. I absolutely hated it. It started affecting my self esteem, it started causing me to become desperate for affection from others, and I felt the massive need for validation from others, cuz I was, and still am, unable to find it from myself. With every time I found myself masturbating again, I felt angry, or just really disappointed with myself and the thing is it happened so much that by this current day, I just felt numb to this disappointment and anger as a whole. I think this kinda prefaces the shit i feel later down the road.
With all this came a strong desire to find something I was good at, that I really excelled in and could be the creme of the crop in. Thats where my toxic relationship with random battles came into my life. I would claim to be pretty good by layman standards at rands, I think most people who actively engage in the rands community would know my name. However, this relationship with rands started to grow toxic for me. I started to base my entire self worth upon how well I could perform in rands opens, or ladder results, and team tournaments. Whenever the progress slowed, I would feel genuinely horrendous, feel worthless, just feel stupid, cuz if thats the one thing I’m supposed to be good at, and I’m not being good at it, what even is the point of my life? Stupid as it seems, I’ve broken down over this question on multiple occasions, and coupled with my above addiction which had not been getting any better, I just felt like a pathetic waste of a person.
Fast forwarding to late 2025 to the start of this year, it has not been the easiest for me. I started questioning my identity as a whole. What even am I doing with this life? If I can’t even do anything well, if I cant even sort out one personal issue, am I not just a pathetic and disgusting person? I actively started hating myself and detesting every aspect of myself. By this stage I’d began to feel extremely emotionally dry for a while. None of my emotions felt real. The joy, sadness, anger etc. emotions all felt fabricated. When whatever emotion I felt faded off I just felt hollow. Devoid of any lingering emotion that tends to be the case even right after feeling extreme emotion. Everything I felt began to just seem to be a coordinated response to emotion triggering stimuli around me, and simply did not, and does not feel real anymore.
Enter 2026, where on the first weekend of the year, my closest friend, the only irl friend I felt like I had maintained thru all my changes and emotional turmoil, had a suicidal phase. After having him support me and still be my best friend thru phases of being a dick to everyone, phases of being overly clingy, phases of being way too loud and high energy toward people around me (which I all hated about myself by the way), I felt helpless. He told me about how he spent over an hour at a ledge on the 14th floor questioning about whether he should pitch himself over, about scratching himself to draw blood multiple times through that episode and more. Eventually he did snap out of that frame of mind, and he did say he was grateful to me being there to support him thru, but I couldnt help but feel like I was useless. I still feel so. I felt like I did absolutely nothing to help him, that he only snapped out due to his own rationalising of his situation. I felt that I had no answers to the questions he asked, and all I was able to do was beg for him to not do anything stupid. I couldnt even convince him to meet up with me till after the episode was over, I didnt have the courage to put down my foot and tell him thats what he needed, nothing. I did nothing right.
Hence I started to question if anything I do even matters. With or without my input, if things will still turn out a certain way, nothing I do matters at all. If I say mean things to people and they still choose to be around me and support me does what I actually do in a friendship actually matter at all. Granted then, if it doesn’t matter at all, and what matters is your emotions which define who you are as a person, I barely even feel anything either. My above problems used to be things I’d cry while telling people about, but while they still matter to me and are still unresolved, I dont feel anything at all while typing them out. It has really reached a point where I’m asking myself if there is even a point in me being around anymore. If my actions have no consequence, and emotions basically dont feel legit anymore, together with not achieving or doing anything that i excel in or helps others, what the hell is the purpose in my life then? Whether or not I improve as a person, I feel exactly the same way. whether I’m bantering with friends or arguing with them, whatever I feel just feels like a plastic template. The emptiness feels horrible as well, i dont quite know how to describe it, it just feels overwhelmingly horrible.
edit: I realised i completely forgot to talk about this, but I had something like an panic attack just a few days ago. everything just felt like it froze, I just felt gripped by something that would not let me operate regularly as a person. The only way I felt I could make it feel better was by biting my own arm. It was deeply unsettling. It was also from this point where I started to realise that my emotions barely felt like anything anymore. It was like after experiencing this all encompassing immobilising fear nothing else I felt carried any weight any longer.
This is really dumb honestly. I dont even know what I want or expect from this post.
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You're having trouble evaluating what success is and what failure is. (I somewhat relate to having felt that way.) This is creating excessively strong and pervasive shame and anxiety, which may be boxing out your other emotional experiences. (I heavily relate to having felt that way.)
Part of what you're going through is the normal process of growing up, having your prior connections and strengths challenged, and receiving the opportunity to develop stronger connections and strengths. Far from a dumb reaction, it's a perfectly natural one that we've been through too. You've shown a lot of insight and clarity in assessing the ways you're taking on pain, and made a good choice to express that pain and uncertainty, and to seek help for challenging issues you're not sure how to face. It's indeed scary to feel like there might not be a point in you being around, but that doesn't mean you've done something wrong. We've been there too. It means it's time to start figuring out your purpose, a purpose that is rooted in you. The parts of you that feel like a template will develop if you develop them, and you can develop them. In these ways, your experience has some similarities with that of the poster above. Check out my response to them - it may have useful information for you.
Since part of what you have to do is figure out what is important for you, that's something I can't know or do for you. But here is some advice that will help you on your path.
- Evaluating your fulfillment or shame in relation to the people around you is inherently arbitrary. In anything you can do, you could be adjacent to the worst people on earth at it, and feel like you're doing well, or adjacent to the best people at it, and feel like you're doing awful in comparison. It can be healthy and great to use other strong people as inspiration to try harder, but being better than those around you is inherently unsustainable as an internal source of worth. To keep growing better, you'll have to enter bigger and bigger ponds of more and more skilled people, and eventually you will be on the lower half of that pond, which is fine and normal and a great opportunity to learn, but will cause shame if you depend on exceeding those around you for worth. Even if you literally become best in the world, eventually someone will overtake you.
- In time, you'll gain fulfillment instead from doing things that are inherently important to you, regardless of whether you're doing them better or worse than others.
- One way to learn what's important to you is to try on different perspectives and try different things. For example, do you really love pets and animals and taking care of them? Maybe providing for, taking care of, and being responsible for other beings is important to you. That's just one possibility among many.
- When you talk about your friend, it sounds like your perception of uselessness is coming from your shame - an excessive shame, rooted in an inherently arbitrary framework - not reality. I totally understand how consuming that shame can feel, and that saying the following is easier than internalizing it in belief. But, saying this in a kind spirit, your friend probably knows better than you who helped them. There's lots of ways people can help without knowing it or understanding why. Knowing that people in your life care about you is hugely helpful. There's someone that comes to mind that has immensely helped me in my life, but would be surprised to hear that, and would expect it to be the other way around, that I was the one who helped her. (As is often the case, it went both ways – we greatly helped each other.)
- One part of learning and taking in what's important to you is vulnerability, which can be challenging to navigate with shame. For example, you could mess up taking care of a pet. If creative expression is a need for you, that's pretty vulnerable in its own right. If you feel a need to be appreciated and cared about by others, you have to open yourself up to the possibility of their rejection, and part of forming those bonds is showing some degree of vulnerability to other people in interactions along the way.
- Vulnerability and finding important things to you have a positive feedback loop, since that importance gives you personal power to accept the vulnerability more and grow, and trying to flee it less. This positive feedback loop helps you get stronger over time.
Today was a good day, but there’s one thing about today that definitely was not. Well, okay. I don’t want to be too dramatic. But at the same I feel the need to get this off my chest. First, some background information. I’ve never been much of a competitive gamer, usually only preferring to play the games I enjoy by myself without the need to “worry” about who’s online, when they’re online, so on and so forth. The only times I play games with other people is in person is if it’s with my brother or my closest friends.
…is what I would say if I didn’t also play the occasional PvP on my phone when I get bored enough. Somewhat embarrassingly, I’ve always enjoyed Clash Royale despite the atrocity of a company that is Supercell… existing, and for the sake of this post I want to address me seemingly never being able to grow in Pokémon Showdown like I would anything else. As bad as Clash Royale’s ladder is, there is at least the excuse of pay-to-win and overleveling, but for some reason I can never seem to get good at competitive Pokémon beyond the low ladder, and it’s taken until today for me to realize I’m probably going to give up on this entirely. Not necessarily because I can’t learn and get better, but because of what competitive gaming does to my psyche.
The one thing I ever thought I was good at within the span of competitive gaming would be Time Trials in Mario Kart and other racing games because, to me, it’s like I am my own opponent, if that makes sense. I am my own teacher, and I can actually afford to push myself and grow as a player at my own pace. I went to a Mario Kart 8 Deluxe LAN tournament and underperformed in racing so badly I actually started to hide some tears for a little bit there. That should have been my sign, but even in more casual settings like Time Trials I eventually hit my performance ceiling because of things like reaction time and controller input time. So, let’s recap. I suck at Mario Kart, I suck at Pokémon, evidently, I don’t exactly have the motivation to practice these or anything else, and even more casual games that don’t necessarily revolve around competition make me upset if I don’t take extended breaks.
I’ve decided that moving on from any and all forms of competitive gaming is what’s best for me when I also have far more important things on my plate that also stress me out. Real life things. There is no fulfillment I get out of playing games against other people, and if I’m being honest, we’re getting to the point where I don’t get anything out of playing with other people either, nor do I want to play the games some of my friends have recommended me. The last thing my already chatted psyche needs in the gaming world is to get invested in these horrible “rage games” as I like to call them- think your Souls-likes, various harder RPGs, some rogue-likes, stuff like that. None of it means anything to me.
…is what I would say if I didn’t also play the occasional PvP on my phone when I get bored enough. Somewhat embarrassingly, I’ve always enjoyed Clash Royale despite the atrocity of a company that is Supercell… existing, and for the sake of this post I want to address me seemingly never being able to grow in Pokémon Showdown like I would anything else. As bad as Clash Royale’s ladder is, there is at least the excuse of pay-to-win and overleveling, but for some reason I can never seem to get good at competitive Pokémon beyond the low ladder, and it’s taken until today for me to realize I’m probably going to give up on this entirely. Not necessarily because I can’t learn and get better, but because of what competitive gaming does to my psyche.
The one thing I ever thought I was good at within the span of competitive gaming would be Time Trials in Mario Kart and other racing games because, to me, it’s like I am my own opponent, if that makes sense. I am my own teacher, and I can actually afford to push myself and grow as a player at my own pace. I went to a Mario Kart 8 Deluxe LAN tournament and underperformed in racing so badly I actually started to hide some tears for a little bit there. That should have been my sign, but even in more casual settings like Time Trials I eventually hit my performance ceiling because of things like reaction time and controller input time. So, let’s recap. I suck at Mario Kart, I suck at Pokémon, evidently, I don’t exactly have the motivation to practice these or anything else, and even more casual games that don’t necessarily revolve around competition make me upset if I don’t take extended breaks.
I’ve decided that moving on from any and all forms of competitive gaming is what’s best for me when I also have far more important things on my plate that also stress me out. Real life things. There is no fulfillment I get out of playing games against other people, and if I’m being honest, we’re getting to the point where I don’t get anything out of playing with other people either, nor do I want to play the games some of my friends have recommended me. The last thing my already chatted psyche needs in the gaming world is to get invested in these horrible “rage games” as I like to call them- think your Souls-likes, various harder RPGs, some rogue-likes, stuff like that. None of it means anything to me.
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I don't wanna get overly political but when you have to scale the options of either continuing to live in your completely rotten apartment surrounded by addicts that do not give you the chance to sleep, to continue living at your parents in your mid 20s or moving in to another completely rotten, moldy, disgusting place because it's the only place affordable after searching for a place for almost a year, you just have to really wonder if the people responsible for this around cackling about your misery
My own opinions on politics have been changing a lot recently too. At the ripe age of 23 I feel like I’m just stepping in to that phase of life where “adulting” just… isn’t fun, but in super-large part because my social anxiety unironically saves me from going out and wasting most of my money I’d like to think I’ve actually handled this pretty well so far, given the circumstances. And yet, the clear neglect towards people in my line of work cannot be ignored any longer. It really only hit me just the other day that I don’t think there’s ever been anything that’s actually helped me coming from the work of people in political authority; the success I have had in life can be almost entirely attributed to my family’s work ethic and (ironically) being told at one point I wasn’t allowed to drop out of college or at the very least take a gap year like I had wanted to in 2022.
On one hand, I agree that the people in charge could not care less about the needs of the individual people, but I also feel like our generation’s over-exposure to politics plays a factor here too. Generally speaking, at least here in the U.S., most people have gradually and slowly become less trusting of the government for decades now- from what I’ve looked into this really started in and around the ‘60s with the hostile political environment and economic volatility during the succeeding two decades after this. This volatility has always existed in generational cycles- there’s a reason I’ve told my family I call Gen Z the second iteration of the Baby Boomers- but the main difference here is the influence of the Internet and wireless communication making information more valuable than ever before. In fact, maybe it’s a little too available, since by nature this would also make misinformation far easier to spread as we’ve seen so many times.
Late january 2026 update
i've deleted all online-based mental health support groups from my life, including HealthyGamerGG, Reddit, and all Discord groups not related to Smogon.
Smogon is without any doubt the final online community I will take part in. Anything else will be in real life - I'm currently learning German and I spoke in public in German last week, i want to learn theater, do a professional reconversion, and possibly add another language like Spanish.
If/when I quit competitive Pokemon, I won't sign up on other forums, engage in conversations, and so on. It's just no longer safe for me, and if I need to find out info from a forum or something, I will lurk instead.
I have been left behind, and until last year (honestly, around the same time I came back to Smogon), I've been an incel in denial. Maybe that's when I went to a pragmatic mindset and eased on the "I give up" mentality. Of course I continue to go through negative mind spiraling and I could do better financially wise, but I cannot afford to expose myself to negative communities anymore, it's not good for my mental health.
And I also found some rl people i could actually relate to, so we can go from there. I knew them for quite a bit, but last week I had pretty profound discussions and i figured out that if others can live life so can i.
edit feb 11th: yea i'm not feeling well anymore. because i cut off the internet, i can't talk to ppl anymore and open up there. i'm now pretty much alone, by myself - before this, i had some illusion of understanding and online friendships, but i've made the decision to pretty much wipe out all places of mental support, because i'm a puer aeternus that needs something completely different rather than just surviving.
these are the consequences - mental health issues, mind spiraling, headaches, and worries for the future. They appear especially during evenings when I'm by myself, so basically when I'm at work more or less and doing evening shifts.
now I'm like Roman Reigns at WrestleMania 41, with his ula fala and no one else by his side.
update Feb 19: i sold my soul to the internet. I'm trying to get it back. The first way that came to mind is to just open up irl.
i've deleted all online-based mental health support groups from my life, including HealthyGamerGG, Reddit, and all Discord groups not related to Smogon.
Smogon is without any doubt the final online community I will take part in. Anything else will be in real life - I'm currently learning German and I spoke in public in German last week, i want to learn theater, do a professional reconversion, and possibly add another language like Spanish.
If/when I quit competitive Pokemon, I won't sign up on other forums, engage in conversations, and so on. It's just no longer safe for me, and if I need to find out info from a forum or something, I will lurk instead.
I have been left behind, and until last year (honestly, around the same time I came back to Smogon), I've been an incel in denial. Maybe that's when I went to a pragmatic mindset and eased on the "I give up" mentality. Of course I continue to go through negative mind spiraling and I could do better financially wise, but I cannot afford to expose myself to negative communities anymore, it's not good for my mental health.
And I also found some rl people i could actually relate to, so we can go from there. I knew them for quite a bit, but last week I had pretty profound discussions and i figured out that if others can live life so can i.
edit feb 11th: yea i'm not feeling well anymore. because i cut off the internet, i can't talk to ppl anymore and open up there. i'm now pretty much alone, by myself - before this, i had some illusion of understanding and online friendships, but i've made the decision to pretty much wipe out all places of mental support, because i'm a puer aeternus that needs something completely different rather than just surviving.
these are the consequences - mental health issues, mind spiraling, headaches, and worries for the future. They appear especially during evenings when I'm by myself, so basically when I'm at work more or less and doing evening shifts.
now I'm like Roman Reigns at WrestleMania 41, with his ula fala and no one else by his side.
update Feb 19: i sold my soul to the internet. I'm trying to get it back. The first way that came to mind is to just open up irl.
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i am coming out on the other side of a lengthy tumultuous period. my mother took her own life when i was two years old, and my father was an abusive alcoholic. i have no siblings. i did not understand the depths of my trauma for most of my life, as i had been conditioned by my father to accept life as it was and to not expect things to ever get better. as i do not remember my mother i had become convinced that there was simply an absence in my life, not genuine tragedy and loss. this led to crippling self-loathing for my numerous failures to acclimate to the world around me. why was everything so difficult? it must be a problem with me.
my father passed away when i was in my twenties, almost exactly a decade ago. i was working as a stylist in tokyo at the time, but was able to return to my home country in time to watch him die. this engendered a confusing mix of emotions: relief, guilt, sadness. he was the only thing i had in this world other than my own self, and when i lost him i was left untethered and deracinated. his passing afforded me some theretofore unseen financial freedom, and suddenly i could do almost anything. there is a scene in an early simpsons episode where a colony of ants is kept on a space shuttle, and when the glass breaks one of the ants says 'freedom! horrible, horrible freedom.' this was my perspective.
i went back to tokyo and tried to persevere, but nothing felt right. i was no longer accountable to anyone, so i just played path of exile and shirked my responsibilities and my nascent career. the world had always terrified me, hence my running away to japan to avoid having to become an actual adult, and i saw no real reason to engage with it beyond the bare minimum. eventually i had to return to my home country to handle something with my father's estate, and then covid happened. i was adrift, and so i turned to cannabis. this, as you can imagine, was a mistake. it was my first experience with the drug, and my copious consumption of it triggered a psychotic break and my first ever manic episode. i am not able ot articulate the depth of feeling that that this experience triggered; i did not realize that i had been depressed my whole life, and this manic episode was my first experience with happiness. it was like thirty years of unfelt joy bursting from my being. everything felt real for the first time. my delusions quickly escalated, and by the end of it i was convinced that i was an alien bodhisattva sending myself messages through time.
thankfully i never tested my limits while manic, as many tend to do. over the course of my recovery i have met multiple people in wheelchairs who jumped off balconies and bridges while convinced that they were immortal. the manic episode lasted about three months, and it was quite thrilling. of course, i eventually learned that the crash is always commensurate with the rise. when i crashed, it felt like the end of the world. i was in and out of the hospital, pleading with the staff to protect me from my suicidal ideations, which were ramping considerably. they eventually diagnosed me with schizoaffective (schizophrenia with bipolar) and threw me in a group home. for the next few years i basically did not exist.
eventually, i had a chance encounter with a former friend from high school. she took one look at my situation and told me that i did not deserve to be there. something in her kindness triggered a sort of self-love that had been missing from my life, and i decided to try to make some changes. i entered into the schizophrenia recovery program at the mental health hospital in my city, sorted my shit out, and eventually got my own apartment. i am now a peer support worker, helping other crazies along their often arduous journeys.
i have two pieces of advice for anyone struggling:
1. you cannot get out of this by self-medicating
2. you cannot get out of this alone
i understand that i am luckier than most in terms of the friends i have been able to make. if you are less fortunate, you are going to have to rely on the system to an extent. you are also going to have to find a community of like-minded people, in person if possible, but online groups can help a lot as well. if you are in this thread, then your brain is your worst enemy. do not believe everything you think. you are probably not as alone as you think you are, and if you actually are, then you simply must try to effect changes in your social environment. i spent most of my life completely alone, thinking that because it was safe that it was also healthy. you must understand that 'comfort zone' vs 'danger zone' is a false dichotomy. between the two exists the 'growth zone,' and you must endeavour to spend as much of your time there as possible. i promise that you deserve it.
my father passed away when i was in my twenties, almost exactly a decade ago. i was working as a stylist in tokyo at the time, but was able to return to my home country in time to watch him die. this engendered a confusing mix of emotions: relief, guilt, sadness. he was the only thing i had in this world other than my own self, and when i lost him i was left untethered and deracinated. his passing afforded me some theretofore unseen financial freedom, and suddenly i could do almost anything. there is a scene in an early simpsons episode where a colony of ants is kept on a space shuttle, and when the glass breaks one of the ants says 'freedom! horrible, horrible freedom.' this was my perspective.
i went back to tokyo and tried to persevere, but nothing felt right. i was no longer accountable to anyone, so i just played path of exile and shirked my responsibilities and my nascent career. the world had always terrified me, hence my running away to japan to avoid having to become an actual adult, and i saw no real reason to engage with it beyond the bare minimum. eventually i had to return to my home country to handle something with my father's estate, and then covid happened. i was adrift, and so i turned to cannabis. this, as you can imagine, was a mistake. it was my first experience with the drug, and my copious consumption of it triggered a psychotic break and my first ever manic episode. i am not able ot articulate the depth of feeling that that this experience triggered; i did not realize that i had been depressed my whole life, and this manic episode was my first experience with happiness. it was like thirty years of unfelt joy bursting from my being. everything felt real for the first time. my delusions quickly escalated, and by the end of it i was convinced that i was an alien bodhisattva sending myself messages through time.
thankfully i never tested my limits while manic, as many tend to do. over the course of my recovery i have met multiple people in wheelchairs who jumped off balconies and bridges while convinced that they were immortal. the manic episode lasted about three months, and it was quite thrilling. of course, i eventually learned that the crash is always commensurate with the rise. when i crashed, it felt like the end of the world. i was in and out of the hospital, pleading with the staff to protect me from my suicidal ideations, which were ramping considerably. they eventually diagnosed me with schizoaffective (schizophrenia with bipolar) and threw me in a group home. for the next few years i basically did not exist.
eventually, i had a chance encounter with a former friend from high school. she took one look at my situation and told me that i did not deserve to be there. something in her kindness triggered a sort of self-love that had been missing from my life, and i decided to try to make some changes. i entered into the schizophrenia recovery program at the mental health hospital in my city, sorted my shit out, and eventually got my own apartment. i am now a peer support worker, helping other crazies along their often arduous journeys.
i have two pieces of advice for anyone struggling:
1. you cannot get out of this by self-medicating
2. you cannot get out of this alone
i understand that i am luckier than most in terms of the friends i have been able to make. if you are less fortunate, you are going to have to rely on the system to an extent. you are also going to have to find a community of like-minded people, in person if possible, but online groups can help a lot as well. if you are in this thread, then your brain is your worst enemy. do not believe everything you think. you are probably not as alone as you think you are, and if you actually are, then you simply must try to effect changes in your social environment. i spent most of my life completely alone, thinking that because it was safe that it was also healthy. you must understand that 'comfort zone' vs 'danger zone' is a false dichotomy. between the two exists the 'growth zone,' and you must endeavour to spend as much of your time there as possible. i promise that you deserve it.
So you guys know that earlier post I made where I said I was going to basically quit competitive gaming? Yeah, well, I lied. But don't worry, it's good news? I've recently started trying to look at a handful of games in a new light, since I find that I have much more enjoyment with these games when I'm not necessarily competing at a high level but still have the ability to innovate in my own, unique ways and analyze a competitive environment's development over time. That's half the reason I find myself coming back, anyway. Sometimes I enjoy analyzing competition more than actually playing in it. What can I say? I've always had a knack for the numbers.
In other positive news, me and my family have started developing a new morning routine I've been slowly implementing to help myself feel better and more productive during the day. My current job search is still ongoing but I'm at a point now where all of my thoughts are much more organized as far as what I'd like to do and I'm slowly getting back into the habits of a better meal schedule, more physical activity, and a better sleep schedule, among other things. I also decided to see if I can make my posts shorter and more to-the-point from now on, for what that's worth. Overall, things are going very well!
In other positive news, me and my family have started developing a new morning routine I've been slowly implementing to help myself feel better and more productive during the day. My current job search is still ongoing but I'm at a point now where all of my thoughts are much more organized as far as what I'd like to do and I'm slowly getting back into the habits of a better meal schedule, more physical activity, and a better sleep schedule, among other things. I also decided to see if I can make my posts shorter and more to-the-point from now on, for what that's worth. Overall, things are going very well!
I’ve been banned from the Discord server for going on about my problems. Here I am instead.
I’m getting mixed messages. People say I should have an opinion and not worry about others. In the meantime, Internet personalities keep threatening those who disagree with their criticisms.
Maybe I should take a break from YouTube and TV Tropes. That said, I’m still scared that my likes and opinions are going to piss someone off.
I’m getting mixed messages. People say I should have an opinion and not worry about others. In the meantime, Internet personalities keep threatening those who disagree with their criticisms.
Maybe I should take a break from YouTube and TV Tropes. That said, I’m still scared that my likes and opinions are going to piss someone off.
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Recently I’ve been begrudgingly forcing myself to strictly adhere to some form of a routine or schedule throughout the week. It’s nothing serious, really. It’s easy for me to me to call it a list of chores, but it’s really just things that I normally do anyway and, supposedly, is going to help make me and keep me as a more productive person.
The problem starts when I look around at my friend groups online, because that’s where they do well over 90% of literally anything with each other which cannot be healthy. Turns out, young adults do in fact need reminders sometimes to do things and while it hurts my pride a bit to admit I need some kind of elementary school style chart to remember if I did things like clean my room or check my emails, what bothers me more is that my so-called “friends” aren’t taking me seriously when I try and have more important conversations with them. I have a hunch that they’re either lying or on denial when they brush off the importance of getting off of Discord for once in their lives and actually trying to stay useful around the house.
Am I venting about Discord and my friends simultaneously? …yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m conflicted about both of these things and while I keep trying to give my old friends more chances, people bragging to me that they don’t need a schedule chart isn’t a good look. Someone else gave me something to tell them: “But you’re not autistic. You don’t know what this is like.” But I’ve already decided I’m going to be the better person and not pull that card. I tend to be happier when I explain things to myself in context and see the positive sides of awkward moments like that do what they’re worth. Besides, I’m already probably thinking too hard into this anyway. That unnecessary aggression at the end of the second paragraph of this post was honestly more directed at Discord as a company than it was at my friends… what that platform does to people, man. Brutal.
The problem starts when I look around at my friend groups online, because that’s where they do well over 90% of literally anything with each other which cannot be healthy. Turns out, young adults do in fact need reminders sometimes to do things and while it hurts my pride a bit to admit I need some kind of elementary school style chart to remember if I did things like clean my room or check my emails, what bothers me more is that my so-called “friends” aren’t taking me seriously when I try and have more important conversations with them. I have a hunch that they’re either lying or on denial when they brush off the importance of getting off of Discord for once in their lives and actually trying to stay useful around the house.
Am I venting about Discord and my friends simultaneously? …yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m conflicted about both of these things and while I keep trying to give my old friends more chances, people bragging to me that they don’t need a schedule chart isn’t a good look. Someone else gave me something to tell them: “But you’re not autistic. You don’t know what this is like.” But I’ve already decided I’m going to be the better person and not pull that card. I tend to be happier when I explain things to myself in context and see the positive sides of awkward moments like that do what they’re worth. Besides, I’m already probably thinking too hard into this anyway. That unnecessary aggression at the end of the second paragraph of this post was honestly more directed at Discord as a company than it was at my friends… what that platform does to people, man. Brutal.
I’ve been getting up at a good time recently and it feels great spending my time outside of social media. That doesn’t mean I’m any less scared but I feel comfortable being around actual people.
I’m going to take this one step further. I actually feel more comfortable around actual people than I do being online these days. Whenever I am online, it’s out of guilt, spite, obligation, or some combination of the three. Real life feels more authentic positive in general, and as much crap as I give some of my friends, at least 90 percent of those problems can be traced back to Discord itself…
Hi all I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder back in 2019 and never posted here but if anyone else has it I’m here for you (seriously I do mean that)
I had been out of work for almost a year due to my ~condition~ but I just accepted a job offer yesterday so that’s a big win can I get a hell yeah in the chat
I had been out of work for almost a year due to my ~condition~ but I just accepted a job offer yesterday so that’s a big win can I get a hell yeah in the chat
you can get several hell yeahs, smogon's proud of you!!
hell yeah
Feb 2026 update, likely the last one
I'm never going to find community on the internet. I knew something was up since last year, since I said Smogon is gonna be my last community on the internet, which I remain committed to. I still come to HealthyGamerGG whenever I need quick emotional support but I'm not considering myself part of that community anymore like last year.
I'm a very misanthropic person, because of bad experiences with people growing up that never fully went away despite therapy, meditation and trying to be better, more productive. Everything I've tried to make friends and connect with people failed, and I'm really doubting myself at this point. I worry I will just cause a new cycle of going to a new place irl and try to make friends there and fail and eventually swim for a bit because I'm technically providing something but in actuality I'm just thrown away to the sides.
I'm never going to find community on the internet. I knew something was up since last year, since I said Smogon is gonna be my last community on the internet, which I remain committed to. I still come to HealthyGamerGG whenever I need quick emotional support but I'm not considering myself part of that community anymore like last year.
I'm a very misanthropic person, because of bad experiences with people growing up that never fully went away despite therapy, meditation and trying to be better, more productive. Everything I've tried to make friends and connect with people failed, and I'm really doubting myself at this point. I worry I will just cause a new cycle of going to a new place irl and try to make friends there and fail and eventually swim for a bit because I'm technically providing something but in actuality I'm just thrown away to the sides.
I would encourage you to look at online communities as fast food. A nice treat, not terrible if you use it as one, but downright unhealthy and unsustainable if it's all you live on(and never a true substitute for the real thing).
Nobody gets out of life unscathed and I want to be clear that the above shouldn't be read as a way of saying "touch grass lol"(but it's funny because your name is Tapu Bulu w grassy surge but I digress). But I do think that online communities, while a good band-aid for social connection, are not long-term fixes and cannot be the only thing you have going on for you. The COVID era really made that the case for a lot of people, including myself during the peak of it in 2020 since everyone was so isolated due to lockdowns, and it's really unhealthy.
The truth is that all friendships are based on "providing something" as you call it, but your goal is to try and find friendships where you feel like there's give and take, even if it isn't a perfect 50-50 split(spoiler alert: it never is). It sounds like you've dealt with more of the latter than the former recently, and I'm sorry for that.
I don't have a quick fix for you, but I would suggest acknowledging yourself a bit for even coming as far as you have. The kid you describe yourself as having been many years ago probably couldn't even imagine the spot you're in right now. As far as as how you could get even farther, the only thing I can say is that you should never go somewhere with the sole goal of making friends. Go to an activity because you find it interesting, not because you're desperate to find a friend. You can, and definitely should, be sociable while you're there, but forcing anything will only lead to friendships(and/or romantic relationships) that would not work without you trying to overcompensate for their otherwise lack of effort. In other words, you'd have friendships that would only exist because you are going above and beyond to maintain your place in their lives meanwhile they wouldn't lift much of a finger for you.
I can write a little more on this if it helps but this is what came to mind.