Leadership (I need your help)

[Bologo]

Hello guys, I have been pondering on making a thread like this for a long time, but I never thought that the problem would get this irritating. However, it has. I thought I might post this thread in case anyone else has the same kind of general problems.

You may have noticed that my activity on the site has been going down a lot, and it's partly due to some of the stuff I'm going to mention. Basically, I'm someone who gets intimidated very easily by others due to really bad shyness, hell a lot of you are even pretty intimidating to me. I'm also very dependent on others a lot of the time, because unfortunately, I'm really lazy (I'm talking no motivation whatsoever). But, I'm also really awful at asking people for help, so often, it just results in nothing getting done. If people don't come up and talk to me first, even if I do want to talk to them, there's almost no way I'm talking to them (unless they're really close friends or family). Hell, even random chit-chat can be difficult with people I don't know too well.

Honestly, this is becoming a very bad problem for me, and I really want to improve some of these qualities. This shit is going to prevent me from fulfilling my teaching dream, or hell, even getting into a good relationship.

The thing is, I'm not really sure how to overcome some of these things. I basically generalized the title of the thread as "Leadership", because I think that overcoming this stuff generally will lead to being a leader type.

Ok, so guys and gals, can you please help me? How can I become less intimidated by others? How do you all ask people for help without being totally afraid of it? How do you all do the same, but with just random conversation with someone you don't know too well?

Lastly, what do you feel are the qualities of a leader, and what are some ways of satisfying these qualities?

Thanks in advance for all of your advice. It's greatly appreciated. I hope I can improve on myself from this thread!

 

[Solidus]

I don't have a severe case of shyness or anything but I have a tendency to isolate myself from other people so you could say I'm a bit shy like you. Whenever I find myself in situations where I need to ask someone who I don't know all too well a question, I end up not even asking it most of the time. Heck, half the time I need to ask someone a question, I don't ask it, even if it's someone I know very well like one of my close friends or family members, for example. Whenever I have problems going on in my life I try to stay away from everyone and I try to solve the problem myself, which I know is socially unhealthy for me.

Anyways I think a good way for you not to be intimidated by other people is to get to know them better. Find something that you have in common with them and talk about that certain thing with them, and slowly ask them questions about who they acutally are, or what their hobby is or something like that. That way you'll have a better understanding about them, which enables you to comfortably talk with them, thusly making it easier to ask them questions without much hesitation.

Whenever I'm in a random conversation with someone I'm not too fond of, I try to make the convo with them as brief as possible. For example, if it's like the first time I've ever talked to that person, then I may feel a bit uncomfortable chatting due to my unfamiliarity of them. In social situations like at school I act the opposite of how I act when I'm alone; talkative and somewhat loud. When I'm with my friends I don't mind talking, but it really just depends on the situation.

Lastly I believe the main qualities of a good leader is someone who works hard, get's along with people well and is confident, kind of like how a boss at a job is, or an administrator.

This may be a little quick since I'm tired but I hope this gives some insight!

 

[Lexite]

A job actually helps a lot. My job has made me a lot more vocal with people and made me step out more and talk to random people.

 

[McGrrr]

How can I become less intimidated by others? How do you all ask people for help without being totally afraid of it? How do you all do the same, but with just random conversation with someone you don't know too well?

It is a confidence thing. I think the best way for becoming more confident is by seeking responsibility. By achieving (or even failing) to meet personal targets, you will develop a better understanding of your strengths and limits. Another idea is to join a club so you can be in a social situation where you already have a talking point.

Lastly, what do you feel are the qualities of a leader, and what are some ways of satisfying these qualities?

A leader needs to balance empathy with an objective focus on getting things done. Communication is extremely important; you must be aware of the relative qualities of your subordinates and try to optimize their performance by allocating/delegating accordingly. Decision making is also key, and a good leader will be able to separate him/herself to make a tough or unpopular decision that is ultimately beneficial in the long run. It is not vital to be liked, but it is vital to be respected.

 

[DM]

Good stuff, McGraw.

Lexite is right about getting a job. Putting yourself in a situation that forces you to be social basically puts you into a "sink or swim" situation: you either succeed or you lose your job. Obviously not all jobs will have this stipulation, but find one that does.

I overcame my shyness at college. I know you're close, so if you can't seem to overcome your problem now there is an option waiting around the corner. After everything, I can singularly point to two things that helped me become the outgoing, social man that I am today:

1. Living in a dorm room with a roommate I'd never met before, on a floor of 20 other people I'd never met before.
2. Joining a fraternity. This opened me up in ways that no other social setting could have.

Be patient, it will come to you, but you do have to make an effort.

 

[CaptainKishimoto]

I actually have the same problem as you. As Lexite has stated, getting a job will help. I took a job at the CNE (Bologo should know what this is, but to the rest it's basically a carnival) as a game attendant (carny lol). Of course, the main thing I had to do was bring people into the game. So if you don't bring people in, you're bored as fuck.

 

[Bologo]

Awesome, I really appreciate these posts so far. I've never actually had a job before, since I don't have much to put on my resume, but after grade 12 is done, I'm going to try my best to find one.

The leadership qualities mentioned in the thread so far are very helpful as well, it's good to have qualities to shoot for.

Thanks a lot so far guys and gals!

 

[Goodbar]

Like mentioned, jobs and clubs are great. Just a general tip - often your first thought about something is right, so act on it. I'd bet often you think about saying something than wait and consider what you're saying, only to refrain from saying it. Yea there's times where you should definitely consider what you're about to say, but it's not that necessary on a regular basis. Sometimes not thinking can be good!

 

[Annhialator Zero]

I was actually already thinking confidence before McGraw said it. I used to have slight problems with shyness (Not anything as bad as yours) and the way I fixed this was by learning to play music, if you can get really good at any instrument it does give your confidence quite a boost (Obviously I didn't start playing anything to improve my confidence, it was a kind of side-effect).

 

[Blue Kirby]

I can't emphasize enough how much getting a job that puts you on the spot helps. I've been working at a local electronics store for just over half a year now, and despite what I thought at first, it has really helped my confidence in that I am very well aware of my own limits now. When you can have someone yell at you for a good 20 minutes and send them on their way with a grin on their face, you know you're doing something right. Getting a job where you deal with people will boost your confidence greatly once you know what works and what doesn't, and can do it well as a result.

That said, I'm still not the most outgoing guy around - it takes me a little while to become comfortable with someone before I lower any barriers, but now I'm not afraid to take the first step. Just don't expect some "magic solution", as it's still going to take work on your part too.

 

[akuchi]

The thing that helped me the most was probably my job. If it's possible, get a telephone-based customer service role; you have all the shit to deal with and have to get pretty good at conversing with none of the physical unpleasantness that often comes with pissed-off people.

That said, you'll never be as fluid as some people, making small talk might be a little out of your reach, I don't know. But it definitely helps.
With the current economic climate and given your school situation, it might be worth volunteering for a while. You'll get to choose your own hours, will be doing something worthwhile that will help you both meet new people and improve yourself in the way that you want to - and it looks great on your resume.

 

[X-Act]

How can I become less intimidated by others?

You do this by having more faith in yourself.

Also, about being a leader, there are people who are natural leaders, and others who can never be leaders no matter what they do. I know of head of schools and managers that are not leaders, and other people who have much less flashy stuff in their job description but are big leaders. Being a leader doesn't have anything to do with your job description (though it helps a bit).