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monter energy
- Thread starter Teh
- Start date
i need to investigate but i'm pretty sure we can't all be grape tylenol guys
They hate you for this, but you're right.
for many years, i had managed to avoid energy drinks. if i hadn't slept well, i would buy a coffee or simply try to push through the day, and either method would usually work.
that all changed in july this year. i had been really unwell the first week of the month. my physician Lasen told me i had the flu, which necessitates bedrest. unfortunately, sleeping so much during my time off completely wrecked any semblance of routine i had. so when i got back to work, i struggled to both get to sleep and stay asleep during weeknights. this resulted in me getting less than six hours of sleep a night for several nights in a row. eventually, i reached a point where coffee wasn't doing it anymore. i needed to pull out all the stops in order to stay awake and productive at work.
i had to buy an energy drink.
since 10 july, when i cracked open my first can of original monster energy, i have realised that it is a good option of last resort when i'm just that tired. i've had a few since then, and i've also branched out and tried a few different flavours. i'm not going to pretend i'm some connoisseur of monster energy or anything, but i think i am educated enough about how certain variants taste to make a reasonably informed post rating them. so, without further ado, here are my takes on the different types of monster i've had in the last two months.
original monster energy: B
it might be the original, but it's definitely not the best, as you'll read below. it's sweet enough, but that's probably a product of the added sugar. it tastes like a really bizarre lemonade. a big reason why this loses marks is that i can't help but think to myself "what would my dentist do if she knew what i was drinking right now?" every time i buy one of these. it got to the point by mid-august where i started to think about abandoning monster energy altogether and paying even more than i already do for coffee by asking for a double shot. god forbid.
java monster energy: F
i tried this one after my first couple of cans of original monster energy. i think this might be the single worst canned beverage i have ever had, if not one of the worst drinks i've ever had in my life full stop. i could barely get to the end of the sole can of this that i bought. i spent the entire time asking myself why i didn't fork out the extra $1.50 for an actual coffee. java monster energy tastes like instant coffee that got left outside for six weeks, brought back inside, and then mixed with milk that went off eight weeks ago. it is absolutely foul and something i will never willingly purchase or drink again.
zero sugar monster energy: A
one day near the end of last month, i was once again at work while in a state of severe sleep deprivation. back to the vending machine i go, i thought to myself, resigning myself to having to buy yet another can containing more milligrams of added sugar than the amount of words i say to my colleagues on a day-to-day basis. imagine my shock when i saw that all of the cans of original monster energy had been removed and replaced with zero sugar monster energy. "holy shit", i thought to myself. "this could be the answer to all my problems!" never mind the fact that zero sugar drinks have sweeteners in them that might be even worse than added sugar. all i could think about was how my teeth might now be in infinitesimally less danger on days like this. anyway, i ended up buying one of these, and i wasn't disappointed. this is one of the few zero sugar drinks i've had that are a genuine improvement over the original variant. if original monster energy was toy story, zero sugar monster energy would be toy story 2. it tastes better than original monster energy, and to top it all off, i only had to worry about the acid rotting my teeth and not the added sugar on top of that. the big thing holding this back from S is that the vending machine operator caught on to the fact that someone had started buying monster energy cans a few days after introducing these ones and ended up increasing the price of them by 50 cents. i'll never forgive them for this.
zero sugar ultra gold monster energy: C
a week or so ago, i was not only sleep-deprived, but also really drunk. i didn't want to spend money at the club i was going to on an espresso martini, and i happened to be walking past a convenience store, so i went in and looked at the energy drinks on offer. the one that caught my eye was zero sugar ultra gold monster energy. "ultra gold?!", i wondered to myself with a sense of childish and inebriated delight. maybe, i thought, this would be even better than zero sugar monster energy. after all, it had "ultra gold" on the can. unfortunately, even though i was about 8 standards in by this point, i knew i had made a mistake after the first few sips. this drink is the energy drink equivalent of putting pineapple on pizza, both because it literally tastes like pineapple - a flavour i have not been too fond of throughout my life - and because it takes zero sugar monster energy and makes it worse. i somehow managed to finish off the can before i got to my destination, which probably enabled me to continue my night for another six hours, but i made sure that the spite on my face was visible when i threw the can of this drink into the bin. "you finished it all!", said my friend. "yes", i said morosely, "i did. but at what cost?"
that all changed in july this year. i had been really unwell the first week of the month. my physician Lasen told me i had the flu, which necessitates bedrest. unfortunately, sleeping so much during my time off completely wrecked any semblance of routine i had. so when i got back to work, i struggled to both get to sleep and stay asleep during weeknights. this resulted in me getting less than six hours of sleep a night for several nights in a row. eventually, i reached a point where coffee wasn't doing it anymore. i needed to pull out all the stops in order to stay awake and productive at work.
i had to buy an energy drink.
since 10 july, when i cracked open my first can of original monster energy, i have realised that it is a good option of last resort when i'm just that tired. i've had a few since then, and i've also branched out and tried a few different flavours. i'm not going to pretend i'm some connoisseur of monster energy or anything, but i think i am educated enough about how certain variants taste to make a reasonably informed post rating them. so, without further ado, here are my takes on the different types of monster i've had in the last two months.
original monster energy: B
it might be the original, but it's definitely not the best, as you'll read below. it's sweet enough, but that's probably a product of the added sugar. it tastes like a really bizarre lemonade. a big reason why this loses marks is that i can't help but think to myself "what would my dentist do if she knew what i was drinking right now?" every time i buy one of these. it got to the point by mid-august where i started to think about abandoning monster energy altogether and paying even more than i already do for coffee by asking for a double shot. god forbid.
java monster energy: F
i tried this one after my first couple of cans of original monster energy. i think this might be the single worst canned beverage i have ever had, if not one of the worst drinks i've ever had in my life full stop. i could barely get to the end of the sole can of this that i bought. i spent the entire time asking myself why i didn't fork out the extra $1.50 for an actual coffee. java monster energy tastes like instant coffee that got left outside for six weeks, brought back inside, and then mixed with milk that went off eight weeks ago. it is absolutely foul and something i will never willingly purchase or drink again.
zero sugar monster energy: A
one day near the end of last month, i was once again at work while in a state of severe sleep deprivation. back to the vending machine i go, i thought to myself, resigning myself to having to buy yet another can containing more milligrams of added sugar than the amount of words i say to my colleagues on a day-to-day basis. imagine my shock when i saw that all of the cans of original monster energy had been removed and replaced with zero sugar monster energy. "holy shit", i thought to myself. "this could be the answer to all my problems!" never mind the fact that zero sugar drinks have sweeteners in them that might be even worse than added sugar. all i could think about was how my teeth might now be in infinitesimally less danger on days like this. anyway, i ended up buying one of these, and i wasn't disappointed. this is one of the few zero sugar drinks i've had that are a genuine improvement over the original variant. if original monster energy was toy story, zero sugar monster energy would be toy story 2. it tastes better than original monster energy, and to top it all off, i only had to worry about the acid rotting my teeth and not the added sugar on top of that. the big thing holding this back from S is that the vending machine operator caught on to the fact that someone had started buying monster energy cans a few days after introducing these ones and ended up increasing the price of them by 50 cents. i'll never forgive them for this.
zero sugar ultra gold monster energy: C
a week or so ago, i was not only sleep-deprived, but also really drunk. i didn't want to spend money at the club i was going to on an espresso martini, and i happened to be walking past a convenience store, so i went in and looked at the energy drinks on offer. the one that caught my eye was zero sugar ultra gold monster energy. "ultra gold?!", i wondered to myself with a sense of childish and inebriated delight. maybe, i thought, this would be even better than zero sugar monster energy. after all, it had "ultra gold" on the can. unfortunately, even though i was about 8 standards in by this point, i knew i had made a mistake after the first few sips. this drink is the energy drink equivalent of putting pineapple on pizza, both because it literally tastes like pineapple - a flavour i have not been too fond of throughout my life - and because it takes zero sugar monster energy and makes it worse. i somehow managed to finish off the can before i got to my destination, which probably enabled me to continue my night for another six hours, but i made sure that the spite on my face was visible when i threw the can of this drink into the bin. "you finished it all!", said my friend. "yes", i said morosely, "i did. but at what cost?"
Khaos (the original shit in the black and orange can from like 15 years ago, not the dog piss in the all-orange can they sell now) was the only acceptable monster flavor and I have never and will never forgive them for discontinuing it.
