Walrus New Year, New 'Rus

Welcome to 2021, where we're going to learn to take chances, make mistakes, and get messy! My new year's resolution is to find someone to watch sappy romantic movies with, and you're going to help me out. Let's find love, with music!

For those who don't know what a walrus is, i'm gonna list off a couple categories. You're going to send me a grand total of [INSERT NUMBER HERE] songs to any combination of the categories, and i'll grade them subjectively on a scale from 0-10 on how much i like it, and then a scale of 0-2 on how much it fits the category. bonus points will be awarded for thresholds of 8 and 9 like-points, and i'll also award one point for sending in your own writeup with each song. that's a total of 16 possible points each submission, times [INSERT NUMBER HERE] for a grand total of [IM GAY AND DONT MATH]! But this is about love, and love is about looking past your mistakes. If you don't feel confident about a category or a submission, you can choose to skip it, and i'll just take your average score and pencil that in.

To kick off the hunt for love, let's start with some qualifiers.

1) Love has to be consensual, so send me a song that's old enough to legally vote in your country. In America, that's a song that's from this day on 2003 or earlier.

2) They have to be distinguishable in some way, and the easiest way to be distinguishable when online dating is your height. That being said, I don't discriminate, so either really long or really short songs will qualify here. Either more than 5 minutes, or less than 2, nothing in between.

8) I'm queer and this is the obligatory queer category. Any part of the song can be queer, from the lyrics to the video to the artist performing.

Now that we've made that initial connection, it's time to get to know you!

4) I'm looking for someone who isn't stuck in a monolingual world. Send me a song with multiple languages, or a song about another country.

5) While some people are incredibly possessive and controlling, I'd like for them to have friends beyond me. Go ahead and send me a song about friends, or that has a featuring artist singing along.

6) We might not be able to actually go anywhere right now, but that doesn't mean we've never been anywhere before. Tell me a story about that one time you did stuff!

Alright, at this point we're probably living together because things just move fast when you live the life i do. Let's stay domestic, shall we?

7) Waking up on a groggy morning is always better next to the love of your life. Even though the morning breath is awful, it's about the sleepy grin you get every time. Submit a song that'll get you up in the morning with a kiss on the forehead, or that works as a wakeup alarm.

8) I've always pictured myself making a midnight snack in the kitchen when my partner sneaks up behind me and starts tickling me, and we laugh and enjoy ourselves in the silliness of the moment. Find me a song that doesn't take itself too seriously, because i sure don't.

9) When you're getting to know someone, it's nice for them to talk your ear off and just go on and on about what they love. But after long enough, it's also nice to know when to just stop talking and enjoy the moment. Give me an instrumental that tells me more than words ever could.

And in any relationship, communication is key! Please reach out if you have any questions, my discord is shubaka17#3317
Submissions through DM there or on this forum work just fine.
Alright folks, deadline to submit for the first category is January the 20th, with the first reveal going down Friday, January 22nd when i find time (maybe lunch time PST)
Just like i want the love of my life to be, we've got a hunk of burning love as our header

Submission from Pisxel: “Stronger” by Britney Spears
Score: 6.7 + 2 + 0 + 0 = 8.7
This sure is Britney, but beyond that i’m kinda struggling to empathize with this. Idk, maybe i’m just a weak bitch, but there’s not much that stands out about this song beyond her name. The backtrack, the chords, i wish i could find something that stands out as Good here, but it all sorta meshes together into a Britney puddle.

Submission from MNIN “DJ Play It” by Sweet Female Attitude
Score: 7.3 + 2 + 0 + 0 = 9.3
Club music has been the same since eternity, try and convince me otherwise. This isn’t bad, but there are some times where i sit there and wonder if it really needed to be 5 minutes long.

Submission from BPS: “You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)” by Dead Or Alive
Score: 7.4 + 2 + 0 + 1 = 10.4
His voice is great for memes, and this song is incredibly campy, but in a way that i feel is overdone in my life now. The back track really is all 80s though, so credit where credit is due.

From BPS: The ace is trying to woo you, choose your response: 1) Sure, sounds fun.

Submission from Bloody “Flag Signalling” by Yuji Toriyama and Ken Morimura
Score: 7.6 + 2 + 0 + 1 = 10.6
Fun jingle that makes me feel like i’m playing retro wii sports. It has a few neat little solos, but the overall instrumentation does fall a little flat. I accidentally left this album playing and ended up in leg warmers and a sweatband though, so props on that!

From Bloody: So, I downloaded this album ages ago to upload it to somewhere else, listened to it once, and forgot it existed. Fortunately I found it again while looking for subs for this cat- goddamn it is funky. It's all kind of repetitive, sure, but if you're fine with that you get some sick tunes to groove to. This track in particular I find myself coming back to, it has this hyperactive energy and is one hell of an earworm. Also, background information if you're interested:

>Aerobics is the soundtrack to the 1980s TBS (Tokyo Broadcasting System) TV show of the same name, with music performed by guitarist Yuji Toriyama & keyboardist Ken Morimura. A majority of the songs were composed by Charles D. Fechter Jr., with the album being organized by the Aerobic Fitness Association of U.S.A. and the Nippon Aerobic Fitness Association of Japan. The album came with an insert detailing the stretches, poses, and exercises of aerobic fitness.

Submission from Schia: “Winter” by Tori Amos
Score: 7.7 + 2 + 0 + 1 = 10.7
Ain’t this a great little piano ballad. She feels like a 90s version of Florence Welch, and this is pleasant enough to keep me goin.

From Schia: I wanted to go with "Fire Island" by Fountains of Wayne ('We're old enough by now to take care of each other...'), but they were too late in the year, so instead you get Mother Tori. This is one of her earliest hits, and imo, easily one of the best coming-of-age ballads out there. A very touching reflection on what it means to grow up, and on accepting the changes that come with growing up.

Submission from Nutella: “Pounding” by Doves
Score: 7.9 + 2 + 0 + 0 = 9.9
You could’ve told me this was a coldplay song and you would’ve fooled me. But like, old coldplay, the coldplay that got famous for being pretty good. Not excellent, not great, but pretty good. This song is Pretty Good, and i like the fact that they’re really emphasizing their beat measures with the standard chords.

Submission from termi: “Nagare” by Azuma Kabuki
Score: 7.9 + 2 + 0 + 1 = 10.9
They’ve got some excellent strumming, but after listening to enough Wagakki Band, i find myself asking where the electric guitar is. Traditional music is good, there’s a reason they’ve stuck with us for so long. But at the end of the day, there’s like two instruments and not a whole lot going on. Note to shub: there will be flute at the start of the next song, skip then.

From termi: for this one i decided to go with one of the oldest recordings i listen to, because why not. this recording is a live recording of the first kabuki troupe to play in the USA, a pretty interesting piece of history in addition to being a great piece of music

Submission from Moose “wonderwall but maybeeeeeeeeeeeee” by wonderwall (maybe)
Score: 8.0 + 1 + 1 + 0 = 10.0
Only netting 1 point on age because this specific version cannot vote, we have maybe the epitome of a moose submission. It’s still good music! But probably nothing you’d’ve tried to find yourself. The song is good even with the constant e, and we’re going to have a fun little game of “how long can everyone stay un-deafened in call” because this is full plays all the way baby

Submission from Adam: “Rasputin” by Boney M
Score: 8.1 + 2 + 1 + 0 = 11.1
The Russian Love Machine himself makes an early appearance in our walrus, with some of those classic claps, strings, and the Ra-Ras. I’d feel bad if this beat anything above it, but i also would feel bad if anything below this beat it.

Submission from PTSD “Into The Mystic” by Van Morrison
Score: 8.4 + 2 + 1 + 1 = 12.4
Old people music kinda slaps sometimes. They still had pianists in their bands, the horns were usually genuine brass, and their singers were probably cracked out, which really allows them to open up the pipes. Good one this one, also has that mysticism of meeting new people, which is an overarching theme of the walrus.

From PTSD: This cat basically gave me free range on every song in my play list. But I decided to choose a song that means a lot to me. It a song I always used to listen to on car rides with my mom, since it’s her favorite song. It’s also just a nice and sentimental song that I like a lot.

Submission from Guillotina: “Ojos Así” by Shakira
Score: 8.5 + 2 + 1 + 0 = 11.5
Shakira shakira, her voice, her traditional instruments playing club bangers, the strings remind me of persian traditional music and i do vibe with that. The male chorus is :ok_hand: too

Submission from Egix: “The Game Of Love” by Santana ft Michelle Branch
Score: 8.5 + 2 + 1 + 1 = 12.5
Hey, good music is good music. Santana guitar work just puts most of the rest of the genre to shame tbqh, and her voice really matches their tone. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and you’ve got a chart topper!

This one goes out to all the people who've been unsuccessfully trying to find this song because they could only remember the first line of the chorus.

Submission from Aladyyn: “This Heart of Mine” by Pain of Salvation
Score: 8.7 + 2 + 1 + 0 = 11.7
This genre is incredibly hit or miss for me, so congrats on hitting this one! Really cruising through here with the drums and rhythm guitar, and his voice compliments it well. Ballads in general can either crush it or flub it, so i usually don’t look for them, but thanks.

Submission from DLE “Bay City 7247 DNC” by Junko Yagami
Score: 8.8 + 2 + 1 + 1 = 12.8
Drums, synths, bass, god i love city pop. Junko Yagami doesn’t have quite the same croning sound as Junko Ohashi, but she still can sing just fine. I’ve heard this one in many a city pop playlist on youtube, but never picked it out for its greatness til now. Thanks Jan

From DLE: City Pop epitimizes this 80s style that is more than old enough to vote

Submission from C7: Pollyanna (I Believe In You) by Catherine Warwick
Score: 8.9 + 2 + 1 + 1 = 12.9
This is the kind of feel good song that i need more of in my life, and i appreciate this. I believe in you too, C7 :)

From C7: I love this song and wishes it was intrumental to put it in there instead.

Submission from Logic: “DECEPTION” by The Crüxadows
Score: 9.1 + 2 + 2 + 1 = 14.1
Techno Vampire Murder Dance Music. That’s it. That’s the write up.

From Logic: Deception by Cruxshadows is pretty much unknown if you are NOT one of the following:
•A fan of Vampire the Masquerade
•A Romani
•A hipster emo

and that was it! tune in next friday for the shortest longest reveal of the walrus! any latecomers are welcome, submissions due by wednesday at 11:59 pm
A few weeks late, but here's Category 2!

Size matters, except for when it doesn’t

Submission from Aladyyn: “Dead Weight” by Ampere
Score: 5.0 + 2 + 0 + 0 = 7.0
This does nothing for me, and it’s 9 seconds long. I realize that I asked for this, there’s just not enough?

Submission from DLE: “Highly Evolved” by The Vines
Score: 6.0 + 2 + 0 + 1 = 9.0
This isn’t that great, i just haven’t enjoyed generic brit pop in years. Genre miss here, sorry mate.

From DLE: Wanted to challenge myself and send a short song. My dad has always had an eclectic taste in music and had this album, playing it every so often on drives to school. Not sure how it'll go over, but fuck it.

Submission from PTSD: “Pigs On The Wing (Part One)” by Pink Floyd
Score: 6.5 + 2 + 0 + 1 = 9.5
Bold choice sending me pink floyd, i’ll be the first to say that i don’t much enjoy a lot of their music as a single song. Full album or nothing tbqh. This suffers from that symptom like many others on the short end do, it’s simply part of a fuller image that i can’t see.

From PTSD: I almost subbed a 7 minute long DMB song that built up nicely, but I assumed you’d be getting a lot of long songs, and I’d be subbing long songs elsewhere. So I decided to sub a short and sweet song, only about 1:30 long. It’s the closest Pink Floyd ever got to a sappy love song, and it works really nicely. I also think that part 1 is better than part 2 in most ways even though both parts are similar ( so that’s why I subbed part 1)

Submission from Logic: “Light the Sky on Fire” by Jefferson Starship
Score: 6.9 + 2 + 0 + 1 = 9.9
You said this is from the notorious star wars holiday special, and it honestly sounds like it, because this is uh... notorious.

From Logic: This was Originally written for, and performed on, the now Infamous Star Wars Holiday Special

Jefferson Starship played in the special as a rising human band seeking to make their fame.

Other than on their Greatest hits album, this track was never released commercially.

Submission from C7: “Choice” by Jack Stauber’s Micropop
Score: 7.0 + 2 + 0 + 1 = 10.0
Alright, yeah that happened too. A lot of these short songs suffer from Not Accomplishing anything with their platform. Like, you only have me for so long, you can’t really do a progression like you normally could.


Submission from Adam: “I Am The Highway” by Audioslave
Score: 7.1 + 2 + 0 + 1 = 10.1
This isn’t a necessarily bad song, i just don’t like this guy’s voice. It’s similar enough to other voices that i do like, and there’s plenty going right with the song, but that one quirk is enough for me to just,, arbitrarily not enjoy it.

From Adam: Hoping you receive an entry to this category half as special as I did:
That song was something like 3 minutes and 30 seconds long…

Submission from Lord Quas: “burds of paradise” by Wilma Vritra
Score: 7.2 + 2 + 0 + 0 = 9.2
This song comes in, does its thing, and leaves. Just a smidgen under 2 minutes of airtime to give you 10 seconds of thought and the rest is just head empty. Good, quaint, but no meat

Submission from pisxel: “HEAVEN” by Ava Max
Score: 7.4 + 2 + 0 + 1 = 10.4
Short, simple, synth, the three Ss of a Solid Song.

From pisxel: Ava Max, legend. Even though this song is only 1 minute and 46 seconds, it's great. I genuinely couldn't find any other song that really fit as well as this one did using the rules I set with the only female artists + love-related.

Submission from Rainshaft: “My P Name Shone” by Utsu-P
Score: 7.4 + 2 + 0 + 1 = 10.4
You gave me context and this song still means nothing to me, but it’s fun and freaky and so i enjoyed it :)

From Rainshaft: This song requires some context to fully appreciate, so here it is. A while back, someone made a song of which the lyrics were the names of more than 500 Vocaloid producers, accompanied by a video with their written names. The person who made it added flashy effects to some names but not others, and this leading Vocametal producer Utsu-P got a bright yellow shining name in the middle of a bunch of normal names. This song is a response to that event XD I figured that I'd continue the train of absurdity that's already showing in my other subs, so I chose this one in particular.

Submission from Guillotina: “All Night Long” by Der Mystik
Score: 7.5 + 2 + 0 + 0 = 9.5
Club music that makes me think i’m at columbus with the monsters and things haven’t gone awful yet but i’m just waiting for that one message that says they found a body in a bathroom stall and it doesn’t look like an OD. Yea

Submission from Nutella: “Where Will You Be?” by CunninLynguists
Score: 7.6 + 2 + 0 + 0 = 9.6
This is about what i was expecting from the cat, just enough to be like, “yeah that’s solid” but not enough for me to actually get invested in the song.

Submission from BPS: “The Whole “Being Dead” Thing” from the Beetlejuice Musical
Score: 7.6 + 2 + 0 + 1 = 10.6
This is far from the first time i’ve heard the beetlejuice musical, but it falls strongly into the “Broadway Musical” genre of music, which doesn’t have a very wide range in my opinion. Still fun, but nothing new here.

From BPS: The ace is trying to woo you, choose your response: 2) flirt awkwardly

Submission from Moose: El Bombito
Score: 7.7 + 2 + 0 + 0 = 9.7
Yknow, it leans into itself. Little bomb indeed.

Submission from Bloody: “IMAGE -MATERIAL- (Version 0)” by Tatsh
Score: 7.8 + 2 + 0 + 1 = 10.8
I do like me some choral vocals, and they shred a moderate amount here. I think mili has spoiled me on this genre though, and the song doesn’t sound the same without the clicks (i watched the gameplay video before the actual sub oops)

From Bloody: I've known Image Material for a long time, it was super popular in osu! about half a decade ago, dunno if new players would recognize it or not but it's certainly a thing. Of course we stole it from another rhythm game but whatever, that's literally every song, we just beat up the other rhythm games and call the songs ours because there's a bigger community. Apparently it was made for Reflec Beat, I have zero idea how it's played, but here's gameplay if you're interested.
Anyways, hope you enjoy it, it is certainly epic if nothing else.

Submission from Schiavetto: “Dead Oaks” by Now, Now
Score: 8.0 + 2 + 1 + 1 = 12.0
Honestly your writeup is better than mine is so

From Schia: "What's the shortest, gayest twee shit I can find? Oh, I know." Pour one out for my boy Sufjan, who missed the cut by 15 seconds.

Submission from termi: “Gay Guerilla” by Julius Eastman
Score: 8.2 + 2 + 1 + 1 = 12.2
Piano compositions have to try and stay with me, or leave an impression. This one struggles to keep me the entire way, but damn if it doesn’t have rises and falls like you’d expect a piece to.

From termi: if you say long i'll make it long i'll make it long. julius eastman by the way was a black gay composer who let his revolutionary politics speak through his music (i could just as easily have submitted this piece for the next category, lol). he has explained that he titled this piece as such because he found there to be a lack of "gay guerrillas," that is to say, people who are willing to give their life and blood for a point of view, and he hoped that through putting this term out there he would inspire more people to identify as "gay guerrillas." personally i am on the same page as him here

Submission from MP7: “Slumlord Rising” by Neon Indian
Score: 8.3 + 2 + 1 + 0 = 11.3
God i love these instruments. They’re funky, retro, and just all around sexy. With songs like this, longer is better, and they entertain the whole way. His voice keeps this from slamming it out of the park, i think if they had a better vocalist then this would’ve topped a 9 even, but this is a good song

Submission from Egix: “Just Be Good To Me” by S.O.S. Band
Score: 8.9 + 2 + 1 + 1 = 12.9
This hits that funky rhythm that just makes me groove, it might be 9 minutes long, but you barely even notice while vibing along with it. The instrumentation, her voice, the chorus, it’s just fun!

From Egix: This is actually one of my overall favourite songs; just so happens to be plenty over the required length.

Submission from MNIN: “Bracer” by Katie Gately
Score: 9.3 + 2 + 2 + 1 = 14.3
Oh. Yes. Yes. I worry for it’s audio quality on the bot, but Yes.

From MNIN: i sent a few tracks that were among my favorites of last year to this walrus, this being the first of those! (technically a 2019 track but the album is from 2020 so :man_shrugging: ) its a bit of a slow burn at first, but once it gets going it REALLLY gets going and really takes advantage of its 10 minute runtime.

here's a scoreboard that's updated through cat 6, which just wrapped up revealing in the Pinniped Emporium! DM me if you're still interested in joining, it's never too late to find love or new music

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