Junichi Masuda likes this!!
Just saying. You are amazing for being on scholarship on a subject that you don't actually like.How do you guys deal? Besides pokemon I hate all of my shitty hobbies, which I only do so I don't look like a total deadbeat/loser. I've tried so many things and everything is pretty much just waiting until its over. I'm almost 20 years old and I literally haven't hugged a girl since high school (not that I deserve it lol). I hate uni, and miserable career path I have, but its the only thing that proves to myself I'm not a total oxygen thief and waste of space. There's no point dropping out because I'm on a scholarship so its at least a free room and free food and makes my relatives think I'm not entirely a useless sack of shit. I've tried changing things up but everything I try I hate as well. Now obviously this sounds like an attitude problem, but I genuinely try to keep an open mind. I'm capable of maybe being motivated for a few weeks but I inevitably get lazy/unmotivated and fizzle out and start hating my life again.
I'm in no danger of kms because I'm banking on the off chance something magical comes along and fixes my life but at this point I've pretty much given up all hope and agency to work towards a better future. I can't even imagine a better future. I'm tired of failing even though every time I fail it's always entirely my fault. If someone just gunned me down tomorrow I wouldn't care. I have tried doing my best to take small steps and set small goals but living day by day just wears me down so much over time. The looming dread and hatred just slowly boils up and up until it consumes everything.
Sorry if it sounds like an attention whore post, I just have a lot of venting because it's a new year and nothing has really gotten better despite the fact that I definitely have the power to change my life, at least in theory.
Thanks for reading and I hope everyone else is doing well, or at least is on the road to some form of improvement.
Edit: my family makes me see a psychiatrist, but its a waste of time and doesn't help at all. Not because she's not doing her job but because I'm not, and she really cant stop me from being a useless sack of shit
You don't have to study a subject you like.
Many people who chose a subject they "liked" end up realizing that the course is very different from what they imagined anyway.
(For example, many people choose biology because they like animals, but end up spending huge amount of time on... algae and fungi. Or even worse, splicing proteins with enzymes. That was so boring. )