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well i was able to fix up the place a bit. got rid of rats and all that. but currently working on trying to find a more stable place ; tho all this really puts a damper on things. making me rather worry about others than myself. ive become in a sense accepting life isnt perfect for me. and ive tried to make myself a better person from it. sometimes the realization that im not getting younger and missing out of things ill never get to experience at a young age takes its toll for sure
everyone's life will be unique to them! i empathize about feeling like you're missing out on certain events when you're younger, but i can tell you that you're not alone in that sentiment!! some of the events you might realize you enjoyed more doing them when you were older, because you weren't as caught up in the moment and could take more of it in for the memories.
what would a perfect life look like for you? i'm not sure if anyone has a perfect life--i think that's a lie that's sold to everyone, though. truthfully i think a perfect life is just the life that makes us happiest, but our version of happiness can be as complex as life itself if we let external forces dictate what that happiness looks like
everyone's life will be unique to them! i empathize about feeling like you're missing out on certain events when you're younger, but i can tell you that you're not alone in that sentiment!! some of the events you might realize you enjoyed more doing them when you were older, because you weren't as caught up in the moment and could take more of it in for the memories.
what would a perfect life look like for you? i'm not sure if anyone has a perfect life--i think that's a lie that's sold to everyone, though. truthfully i think a perfect life is just the life that makes us happiest, but our version of happiness can be as complex as life itself if we let external forces dictate what that happiness looks like
I just want have a stable life. Be able to fail and not have to worry that one mistake will ruin my life. To have people who support me and tell me its ok to be myself. Not sure if this explains much, but I just want to experience life and not suffer anymore
I just lost my dream school IT job today after 2 and 1/2 weeks of being a temp to hopefully be full hired and it was due to not catching quick on enough and came across to coworkers as standoffish (it takes me a bit to warm up to people to know how they will react to things) and childish and the latter I am still failing to understand. I also had an issue with ffxiv with clearing uwu (ultima wep ultimate) one of the hardest fights in the game due to not catching on mechs quick enough and had a group I got together abandon me. I feel like garbage and will never amount to anything in life or in my MMO ffxiv. I cant keep friends, I burn more bridges with people and cant figure out what has to change. I feel worthless and everything points to that I will never amount to anything and just am a waste of space. The only thing that I can say that is stable is my savage group for ffxiv and its sad to say I only live for them and is the only thing that is keeping me from shooting myself in the head and ending it all. I have no friends, no social skills, no lover, no work skills, and no family to lean on. Im so alone in this world right now, I am desperate to make friends but all of them leave me, eventually my savage group for ffxiv will leave me to. why cant I do anything right in my life, why cant I keep a job, why cant I catch on quick enough for anything that I want to do in my life. I so badly wanted to hold on to my school IT job and then lose it cuz I was not where they wanted me to be which was be able to go to schools and do repairs ucz to them I was not ready but to me I was. I just want the pain and suffering to end, is it is too much to ask for a stable job and be a good raider in ffxiv? I guess it is and there's something wrong with my personality if I cannot keep friends as they all abandon me for one thing or another. I am tired of being a failure but all I can see is the constant remainders of why I am a failure screaming in my head and I just want it to stop. I just want to be like everyone else I am 24 and cannot keep a job, its so fucking sad that I keep letting myself and my parents down cuz I'm a failure at keeping jobs and all I see is darkness in front of me, waiting for me to step in, and be gone forever. What good is someone who lost everything on smogon, lost all friends, cant keep a good rep here, cant be a good raider in ffxiv, have a bad relationship with family and cant keep a job that I have wanted for so long. I just want to die so I can finally have the peace and happiness I want. don't bother messaging me all you guys do is abandon me and never talk to me again, not asking for pity.
does anybody else here experience some form of cognitive decline with their depression? i feel like in the past two years of wallowing i've become less and less able to force myself through ideas that require more than a modicum of focused thought. i feel like i've been robbed of the opportunity to exercise talent and have been left behind by my former peers. maybe i should take a more active role in trying to stave this off, idk
does anybody else here experience some form of cognitive decline with their depression? i feel like in the past two years of wallowing i've become less and less able to force myself through ideas that require more than a modicum of focused thought. i feel like i've been robbed of the opportunity to exercise talent and have been left behind by my former peers. maybe i should take a more active role in trying to stave this off, idk
depression has a significant effect on memory, mainly short term (as it has to process through that stage fully before it can be 'stored' in long term memory) so it is also reversible! the brain maintains plasticity throughout life (if you take care of your brain!) which is a fancy way of saying that you can always learn something new and "branch" out new neuron paths!
however, cortisol fucks with this process too! any time our bodies are stressed we are essentially in "fight or flight" mode, and this impinges on anything that isn't relative to either of those tasks. so, memory isn't needed as much as "instinct" in those moments
one thing is certain, you have NOT been robbed of opportunities to exercise any talents. you get your whole entire life to do that pal, not just your youth!!!
society often attempts to convince us that we should only engage in hobbies that can be monetized, but that's bullshit. happiness isn't about performing well, just BEING well. so however you achieve that state, it's valid and you should do iiiiit
I have felt like such shit for so long. I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. Pretty much every day of my life, I have horrible intrusive thoughts and delusional levels of paranoia about the people in my life. So many people have completely ruined my sense of trust. I feel demotivated as shit all the time. I feel embarrassed of myself as a person. I'm only getting older and I fucked up my only shot at college years ago and got screwed out of so much money. I've only ever worked shit retail jobs and that is probably all I'll ever do. None of my hobbies even make me happy anymore to make up for that. I really mean that, there is basically nothing that holds my interest enough to keep me happy and feeling like what I'm doing has a purpose. I'm just pointlessly living with absolutely no real goals or aspirations, and nothing distracts me or helps me escape. Every "guardian" that was ever in my life treated me like complete shit growing up. I'd rather not go too tremendously into detail about the specific sensitive moments of my life, but I've had to put up with so much trauma that I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to function like a normal person. I am not exaggerating when I say this, every second of every day, I am full of so much unbelievable anxiety it makes my head spin. I absolutely cannot relax, I am in a constant state of terror that just does not end. I just want to know what it feels like to be content and at peace. I just want to enjoy things again.
pretty much nothing has gotten better at all for me since this post. I still just wish I was gone. I genuinely, honestly wish I could just not wake up tomorrow. I feel like there's absolutely nothing good left for me in this life. I can't contribute anything meaningful whatsoever to the world, and I can't even enjoy my own stupid pointless free time. I'm such a fucking moron man. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing anymore. I don't think I can do this anymore.
pretty much nothing has gotten better at all for me since this post. I still just wish I was gone. I genuinely, honestly wish I could just not wake up tomorrow. I feel like there's absolutely nothing good left for me in this life. I can't contribute anything meaningful whatsoever to the world, and I can't even enjoy my own stupid pointless free time. I'm such a fucking moron man. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing anymore. I don't think I can do this anymore.
Hey Azure, you're one of the nicest person I met on PS!, very dedicated to helping people there and I really enjoy staffing with you. I'm sad to hear that things are not going better for you, but don't think that you are worthless cause you're not. I'm sure you are able to do incredible things, and yes motivation is hard to find when nothing goes well, but please don't give up. Finding your way in life is hard, but you will find it eventually. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me whenever you want. I really hope you'll be doing better soon my friend.
Hello everyone, I know I will surprise some people by senting a post in this thread, but I think it's important for me if I can share my experience on this subject (also, its explain that time where I deleted my discord's account and leave the game for several months). Before continuing, I have to present my genuine excuses for all the trouble I caused (esp for my teammates during ADPL, the friends I made on discord and for everyone I forgot).
I will try to be brief, recently, I def give up on engineering study. I was in my third year, but I was unable to sucess it. There are a lot of reason to explain this failure (and a lot of personnal that I will avoid to post them ofc), but, overall, one the main reason was how I was always alone. Because the school is too far away from my parents's home, I had to live alone. In the beginning, it was "fine", but, because of my shy personnality and the fact that I enter the third year without knowing anyone, I think I easily got weeks where I literraly speak to no one. So, unable to find enough motivation to have the graduation, just after hollydays, I stopped to go to school. Ofc, my parents were alerted from that and I have to return to school, where I someone manage to repeat the third year.
So, the "new" third year begin, I'm on a decent mood, but, unfortunately, the same issue was repeated, after six months, I stopped to go to school. Even worse, during this week of freetime, I try to kill myself (but I never passed the line ofc). Eventually, my parents came to pick me up, finally understanding that I was not made for this school and we all went home. However, the story was not over yet. The same day I wrote these words, I ran away from my house. Even if I know it was stupid to do that, I did it nevertheless. Eventually, I manage to convince myself to went home, and I hope this big issue of my life can be patched up with time.
Honestly, I dont think I will be able to write everything I learn from my personnal experience of depression (for example, I always knew this issue comes from long ago), but, even if I'm not sure of what I'm suppose to do now, I want to make sure that, if anyone is on the same boat than me, they can always contact me if the need it. I know I can't help too much (esp when I'm as sick as you), but, if you feel alone and can't find someone that can truly understand your pain, there is at least one person that is in the same shit than you. I hope that everyone can eventually find his own inner peace (and sorry for english's mistakes, I'm not in the mood to check them :) ).
Hello everyone so the past day and a half has been really hard. I lost someone very near and dear to my heart. She wasn’t blood related but she was family she was like a second mother to me. She showed me kind people still exist. She was there for my family when no one else was. She isn’t my mom but I took up most of my personality after her. This lady was an angel it hurts me she is gone. Unfortunately she had a fatal stroke she passed at the age of 60. My heart is hurting even more then my dad passed because this person has such a massive impact on me. Healing will be a long journey and imagining my future without her is hard but I will take it a day at a time.
Things have gotten slightly better. However, Mentally I’m still kinda in a dark place. Excitement for life in general is still kinda not there. It’s hard to smile sometimes I just wonder when these scars I have will ease up a bit. I have trouble letting my past go. It’s hard to smile sometimes now..as a person who love to laugh, it’s hard to do even that sometimes. Right now taking it very slowly, hope I’ll be able to smile and laugh genuinely again.
Yesterday was my 23rd birthday and today is Valentine’s Day. Every year I get these two terrible days side by side and I’m so tired of having to endure them. All I have as a result of either of them is a depressive episode, as usual. I don’t know how I’ll even make it to this time next year. Every day is worse than the last and I want my pain to end.
I won't get into details, because it's extremely embarrassing. Let's just say that someone I thought was a good friend of mine humiliated me immensely in public, out of nothing but malice in their hearts, to random strangers that made fun of me too. I won't get into details but I nearly cried on the spot.
And all of that person's friends, who were my friends before, all came and defended him. And they ganged up on me basically (verbally of course not physically else id have gotten some help).
These same people have been bullying me for years. And it's all i fucking go through. i go through it at home, i go through at school, i go through it socially, i went through it on this very website. I cut them all off, except my family because I can't really do that rn.
I've become incredibly jaded from people because of this. I have no fucking friends, no fucking family that loves me, no one. I'm alone in this world and that's just the way that it is. I'll never find love, I'll never find happiness, and even if I do succeed career-wise and academically I'll be incredibly bitter throughout it all.
I don't want to kill myself. I don't want to lose my life to the cruelty of others. I don't want to let them win. I also don't want to live life this incredibly bitter and jaded, though that's preferable to not living at all. So I have to do something about this. Therapy didn't work for me. Does anyone have any suggestions? Because frankly I'm all out of ideas, and I don't see this getting better ever.
Hey MagusZ, I'm sorry to hear that you went through all this especially from people you trusted beforehand. I think that it's good you cut them off because distancing yourself from toxic people will always be a net positive for life. I can try to offer advice based on personal experiences; sorry in advance if I make a wrong assumption.
People is definitely a huge part of what makes life worth living. Being around others that you life and enjoy makes the best memories in life that you can cherish later on. I think you should try to surround yourself with people that you love and want to share yourself with. If a person has a good heart, then they will naturally find others who are attracted to their presence, so the main thing would be to try and open doors for people to come into your life. There are genuinely good people out there that care about you, and the group of friends that were toxic to you are not some of them. A lot of the best relationships in life happen through coincidence because of this, but reaching out to people always helps to see if they reciprocate the kindness you show them in order to bring them into your life and yours into theirs. It's kind of hard to get the mentality right away but you have to try and live your own life and focus on doing whatever you enjoy but try and open up to people when the opportunity presents itself. Your "friends" before were really awful for humiliating then verbally abusing you, but that doesn't mean there aren't genuine people out there that you can share yourself with and vise versa. You should also try to take it easy; having people open up to you takes time as well as feeling comfortable when other people approach you. The best relationships develop over time so it's important to be patient. It takes time to recover from what your "friends" did to you as well; it sounds like emotional abuse and emotional abuse takes a long time to recover from if ever. It's natural to start trusting people less because of your experiences. I'm sure finding genuine people in your life to support you will help a ton with that though. And in the end,
you'll live a happy and fulfilling life with people you love while pursuing your passions. You'll find love in people that are attracted to you for who you are especially since you do seem like a genuinely nice person that's what draws people in. Like I said, a lot of the best people that come into a person's life are through coincidence, so you might meet someone very dear to you tomorrow or even the day after that. It's been a while since you initially posted about this but things will get better if they haven't already!
Since I don't post on Smogon a lot anymore I'll be on discord a lot as squishytaromochi#0719 if you want to talk about it further (and this goes for anyone who needs someone to talk to). Good luck with everything!
Ayo lads. My name is Tyler, and I've been feeling rather, down lately, or rather lost in my mindset. I have more of a fear of the future and it's sort of making my unsociable, awkward and down. I prefer not to use the word depressed, considering there are people in a far worse mind frame than myself, but it certainly isn't happiness if you guys know what I mean.
Thing is, I graduate from Sixth Form (British Junior and Senior year) next year, and after that I plan on going to University, getting a degree... and then I'm lost. The idea of having the same job or career scares me and 30 years flash before me or a boring cycle. I also fear that I'll be losing my lads in a year or so when we split up for Univeristy, and I don't know, going into the unknown is real scary for me innit. I've got so many options, and choosing just 1 makes me so uncomfortable thinking that these are my only opportunities to go into said careers. Teacher? Fun for a while I guess. Professor? Hard work will make the years pass quickly. Business Owner? It seems fulfilling. But I consider myself an educated mind who can enter a career of research, teaching or political involvement, and I want to leave an impact on people, you know? But, even just writing all of my options out is scary to me. It's kind of led me to walk into college like 'What's the point' and just not talk to anyone, and then I come home, hop online, and maybe act a little off I guess.
All in all, I'm just a bit lost in my mind about what to do with my life. Distract myself with helping people on smogon, and just hanging around here but, all in all, I'll have to decide at some point, and that scares me. But, I'll try and cope I suppose.
There have been some real lads on the site who make me real cheery though so, shoutout lads! You guys have helped me a lot in the past 7 months innit, so I wanted to say thanks!
Ayo lads. My name is Tyler, and I've been feeling rather, down lately, or rather lost in my mindset. I have more of a fear of the future and it's sort of making my unsociable, awkward and down. I prefer not to use the word depressed, considering there are people in a far worse mind frame than myself, but it certainly isn't happiness if you guys know what I mean.
Thing is, I graduate from Sixth Form (British Junior and Senior year) next year, and after that I plan on going to University, getting a degree... and then I'm lost. The idea of having the same job or career scares me and 30 years flash before me or a boring cycle. I also fear that I'll be losing my lads in a year or so when we split up for Univeristy, and I don't know, going into the unknown is real scary for me innit. I've got so many options, and choosing just 1 makes me so uncomfortable thinking that these are my only opportunities to go into said careers. Teacher? Fun for a while I guess. Professor? Hard work will make the years pass quickly. Business Owner? It seems fulfilling. But I consider myself an educated mind who can enter a career of research, teaching or political involvement, and I want to leave an impact on people, you know? But, even just writing all of my options out is scary to me. It's kind of led me to walk into college like 'What's the point' and just not talk to anyone, and then I come home, hop online, and maybe act a little off I guess.
All in all, I'm just a bit lost in my mind about what to do with my life. Distract myself with helping people on smogon, and just hanging around here but, all in all, I'll have to decide at some point, and that scares me. But, I'll try and cope I suppose.
There have been some real lads on the site who make me real cheery though so, shoutout lads! You guys have helped me a lot in the past 7 months innit, so I wanted to say thanks!
Ayo lads. My name is Tyler, and I've been feeling rather, down lately, or rather lost in my mindset. I have more of a fear of the future and it's sort of making my unsociable, awkward and down. I prefer not to use the word depressed, considering there are people in a far worse mind frame than myself, but it certainly isn't happiness if you guys know what I mean.
Thing is, I graduate from Sixth Form (British Junior and Senior year) next year, and after that I plan on going to University, getting a degree... and then I'm lost. The idea of having the same job or career scares me and 30 years flash before me or a boring cycle. I also fear that I'll be losing my lads in a year or so when we split up for Univeristy, and I don't know, going into the unknown is real scary for me innit. I've got so many options, and choosing just 1 makes me so uncomfortable thinking that these are my only opportunities to go into said careers. Teacher? Fun for a while I guess. Professor? Hard work will make the years pass quickly. Business Owner? It seems fulfilling. But I consider myself an educated mind who can enter a career of research, teaching or political involvement, and I want to leave an impact on people, you know? But, even just writing all of my options out is scary to me. It's kind of led me to walk into college like 'What's the point' and just not talk to anyone, and then I come home, hop online, and maybe act a little off I guess.
All in all, I'm just a bit lost in my mind about what to do with my life. Distract myself with helping people on smogon, and just hanging around here but, all in all, I'll have to decide at some point, and that scares me. But, I'll try and cope I suppose.
There have been some real lads on the site who make me real cheery though so, shoutout lads! You guys have helped me a lot in the past 7 months innit, so I wanted to say thanks!
i also feel the same about what should i do in the future and what could happen because of growing up. Despite being young i always had all sorts of negative thoughts which made every day a stressful one but im glad that not only i can be seen as someone who sort of helped despite how i am but also glad to meet all sorts of people who also helped me realize things and try to become a better person. Im still inmature, i keep making the same mistakes that bother people a lot and expressing things can be difficult from both putting it into words and remembering how much of a bad person i was compared to now (and even then i still think im not good even if people say it to me) but im really really thankful for everyone i have met and i hope we can all find a better future than what our mind keeps telling us.
My homie dont think too much about the future, you're just going to stress yourself and nothing else. Please just enjoy your present and just see where it goes bro. Ik its not the best period but depressing yourself wont help so just distract yourself for awhile and with time this phase will be over. Stay safe, much love
Ayo lads. My name is Tyler, and I've been feeling rather, down lately, or rather lost in my mindset. I have more of a fear of the future and it's sort of making my unsociable, awkward and down. I prefer not to use the word depressed, considering there are people in a far worse mind frame than myself, but it certainly isn't happiness if you guys know what I mean.
Thing is, I graduate from Sixth Form (British Junior and Senior year) next year, and after that I plan on going to University, getting a degree... and then I'm lost. The idea of having the same job or career scares me and 30 years flash before me or a boring cycle. I also fear that I'll be losing my lads in a year or so when we split up for Univeristy, and I don't know, going into the unknown is real scary for me innit. I've got so many options, and choosing just 1 makes me so uncomfortable thinking that these are my only opportunities to go into said careers. Teacher? Fun for a while I guess. Professor? Hard work will make the years pass quickly. Business Owner? It seems fulfilling. But I consider myself an educated mind who can enter a career of research, teaching or political involvement, and I want to leave an impact on people, you know? But, even just writing all of my options out is scary to me. It's kind of led me to walk into college like 'What's the point' and just not talk to anyone, and then I come home, hop online, and maybe act a little off I guess.
All in all, I'm just a bit lost in my mind about what to do with my life. Distract myself with helping people on smogon, and just hanging around here but, all in all, I'll have to decide at some point, and that scares me. But, I'll try and cope I suppose.
There have been some real lads on the site who make me real cheery though so, shoutout lads! You guys have helped me a lot in the past 7 months innit, so I wanted to say thanks!
Don't worry Tyler, if Im being honest with u I dont even know what I wanna do as a job atm and Im in second year of university.
Think about that sort of stuff when it comes up, and dont be afraid to ask if u need anything.
Ayo lads. My name is Tyler, and I've been feeling rather, down lately, or rather lost in my mindset. I have more of a fear of the future and it's sort of making my unsociable, awkward and down. I prefer not to use the word depressed, considering there are people in a far worse mind frame than myself, but it certainly isn't happiness if you guys know what I mean.
Thing is, I graduate from Sixth Form (British Junior and Senior year) next year, and after that I plan on going to University, getting a degree... and then I'm lost. The idea of having the same job or career scares me and 30 years flash before me or a boring cycle. I also fear that I'll be losing my lads in a year or so when we split up for Univeristy, and I don't know, going into the unknown is real scary for me innit. I've got so many options, and choosing just 1 makes me so uncomfortable thinking that these are my only opportunities to go into said careers. Teacher? Fun for a while I guess. Professor? Hard work will make the years pass quickly. Business Owner? It seems fulfilling. But I consider myself an educated mind who can enter a career of research, teaching or political involvement, and I want to leave an impact on people, you know? But, even just writing all of my options out is scary to me. It's kind of led me to walk into college like 'What's the point' and just not talk to anyone, and then I come home, hop online, and maybe act a little off I guess.
All in all, I'm just a bit lost in my mind about what to do with my life. Distract myself with helping people on smogon, and just hanging around here but, all in all, I'll have to decide at some point, and that scares me. But, I'll try and cope I suppose.
Hey Tyler, I figured as someone who went to a UK Sixth Form and a British uni i can kind of relate at least on some level. Don't worry about losing your mates. The ones that mean a lot will stick around and you'll see them when you're all back from uni. Furthermore, you'll make great friends there! I met friends at uni and even work after uni that I would say I'm as close to as my friends from school or sixth form. University isn't an unknown that should be frightening, but rather exciting! I thought I'd feel out of place but within a week I was loving it!
You're probably 16-18 rn so knowing exactly what you want to do would be surprising. I always tell people (mostly my sisters) to try to get insights in as many things as you can, even things you might think you won't like, so you'll have a better idea later down the line. if you're already doing that and have too many options, just make sure you're good at stuff. You'll find your way in due time, just keep looking for and grabbing opportunities. A friend of mine studied aeronautical engineering, decided he wanted to be a teacher, then moved into finance. Nothing is binding. Careers change all the time.
This thread since its inception has been for one very specific talking point, one that doesn’t really lend itself to discussion. The narrative around mental health and wellness has evolved a lot in the past handful of years, so this thread should reflect that through upward mobility and positivity.
Please feel open to share feelings concerning your mental wellness journeys, stories from therapy (both successes and works-in-progress), your relationships to self-love/love languages, coping mechanisms during high stress life changes such as gradations, new jobs, moving, etc. Refer to the updated rules in the OP if you’re not sure what to avoid posting.
One thing to remember is that it takes time for things to work...
If you have trouble sleeping often, it might take years of work on sleep habits to find the sleep routine that works for you. When you find the right sleep routine it may take months of practicing them before they actually give you results. Same thing with meditation/ breathing techniques, at first they may not 'work' the way you want them too, over time and with practice you will likely notice a greater effect. It usually takes a long period of time to work out the best techniques for coping with mental health challenges. Exercising a few times is not going to help address the root of your depression, but establishing a routine where you work out 3-5x week and sticking to it for 2 months may lessen your physical symptoms.
Mental health is really hard, so try to be compassionate to yourself.
hiya. i am posting against my better judgement but i didnt want to rant to anyone in dms and felt like just typing into the void. been really down today and the past few days in general.
sorry to post this after the optimistic posting above but i just couldnt really help it, if its off topic or w.e feel free to delete obvi
after typing this all out i realized its super scattered and makes no sense, just turned my brain off and typed, sry about that
i turned 20 and i feel like i have nothing to show for it. i get that 20 is still really young but idk, i just feel like im missing something in my life constantly. ive always felt way more behind than my peers and in general i just feel really stupid. it takes me a realllyyy long time to get really simple things and im not particularly good at anything really. i dont strive to be the best at anything or something like that but i just feel like everything i do is mediocre even when i put effort into it. im going to college and getting my degree but life just feels so stagnant. i wake up, get on my pc or phone, and do basically nothing unless i have to work or do homework. ill go out occasionally if my friends want to but i just feel like theres more to life but i cant go out there and explore. the only other time ive posted in this thread i highlighted some undiagnosed issue i was going through and it still has not been resolved after almost 2 years and that plays a huge part in a lot of things that i cant go and experience in the world but i suppose but im mostly over it. ever since i came out as trans i have thoroughly enjoyed being a girl socially but i also have to wake up every day and look in the mirror and look at a boy, sound like one, etc. i cant start hrt because i still live with my parents and even if i did, i would have to cut my parents off. my dad is pretty lgbtq+phobic due to culture and my mom is just religious and doesnt care about me being gay but would probably lose it if she found out i was trans. my cousins mom (formerly father) is trans and my mom came into my room and talked to me about how weird and bad and etc etc it was. i love my parents but its just not something they can handle but i also couldnt live with myself knowing the pain it would cause them to just disappear without word in order to become a version of myself that i can love, so i just feel like im being pulled in two directions like a tug-of-war rope lol. being trans also has come with a lot of confusion and other negative feelings, i get jealous of good looking females or people who are trans and pass easily, not in like a malicious way its just more like a "aw dang i wish that was me" way. its created newfound anxiety for me in terms of idk how i will look if i transition, will i be ugly? will people be willing to date me? etc. i dont really know where im going with this post but i guess the bottom line is that i very consistently feel worthless. im not really good at anything, i cant live up to the identity i want to flourish in, im constantly told im a loser by my dad for being on my pc all the time (school is online anyway....and i work..). and i try not to take those words to heart because they shouldnt effect me but man after a while it just gets tiring. i dont really want to be all woe is me but its just how i feel currently and im sure ill be better in a few days maybe but it just sucks. i mean lol even dating just fucking sucks a lot of the guys i talk to it starts off nice then just goes steers towards nsfw things and it just ruins it. it feels like thats all people care about nowadays and im always given the whole "theres someone out there for you" spiel but its just corny and idk ive always hated it. even other guys ive talked to who gave me super mixed signals i just straight up asked them if they were lgbtq at all and i get some sort of slur as a response to me and it just feels awful. i dont really even feel wanted by my friends and it just feels like im here for nothing ig, just a little ghost floating around. anyway, tried not to be woe is me but like idk i couldnt help it although thats not how i wanted to come across. the past year despite my medical obstacles ive had to deal with ive tried really hard to break out of my shell and be outgoing and which i think i have done a good job at but i can feel myself kind of slowly regressing into a slump and i hate it
hey, i also literally just turned 20 and am feeling relatively the same way. my birthday was the worst day of my life in a long time. in fact i wrote a post but deleted it with basically the first few sentences you put. im extremely closed off from my parents and refuse to talk to them as i dont necessarily like how they respond when i tell them details of my personal life. heres the thing, like you said us being 20, its still really young but you also feel like youre running out of time. young adulthood is basically what people tell you your teens is suppose to be, its the real time for self discovery as this is when youre truly just thrown out into the world and told to deal with it. realizing that theres more to life really is the first step in all of this. even though it might be hard as you seem pretty reclusive (im pretty introverted nowadays myself despite being a extrovert in the past) you got to just, do shit. it doesnt have to be anything crazy to start but breaking the routine and just doing something different is where it all starts. you talk about jealously of females/other lgbt and while im pretty confident im not lgbt at all so i cant understand fully let me tell you this. i recently lost a girl in my life who i got along really well with and had a lot in common with, why? it doesnt make sense right, we had a connection and everything was good. the shitshow that caused her not wanting to date me in the end had to do with this exact issue you opened with. i do not have my life together at the moment, im unemployed, im not doing much other than going to the gym, i currently cannot drive, and im having family problems. she lost feelings for me when i went in a bad slump and began to be clingy because i burden myself with a lot. people are naturally attracted to people who are put together and have direction, it doesnt have to be a life plan but just direction to keep things interesting cause predictable people are boring. when my home life got really bad earlier in feburary she was generally supportive when i came to her telling her i havent been feeling well recently, while i didnt tell her what was up exactly to not push my shit onto her, she still tried to help a bit. but when i didnt show signs of getting better and got more clingy she got annoyed and eventually began to move on. in hindsight i regret my decision to be completely closed off about this but i didnt feel i had much of a option, really feel i couldve done something different to retain our connection if i flat out told her what was up, what i needed and asked her what she needed of me but thats way in the past now and ive already fucked up. ive had horrible anxiety over missing her for a while now on top of everything else that was going on as due to my closed off nature i wasnt able to get over it. what im saying is you need to make choices for you so you can get to the point where you can date, let me tell first hand, part of the thing i found so attractive about this girl was how much she had her shit together. its honestly worth it to find your worth as a person first as if shit doesnt work out youre going to hurt somebody else or yourself even more. break your routine, find yourself and a direction in life you want to head in, people will come into your life that appreciate whatever youre doing. youre not going to meet people being in the house, despite how harsh that sounds im saying it because thats exactly what im going through right now. that whole theres somebody out there for you is technically bullshit yes, but you attract what you put out there. You do you and be proud doing then people with the same values will come around, whether youre looking for them or they come to you, youll know when youre ready. as for your parents its a tricky thing for me to say really. i personally dont tell my parents much as in the past theyve given me reasons not to. however, parents are people too and theyre going to get shit wrong, nobody has all the answers. just because how my parents responded to my situations pissed me off it doesnt mean they dont care, they just dont get it. when ive never had to come out to anybody as im very much straight so i dont really know how hard it is, it comes back to you making decisions for yourself. if you feel like this is a burden preventing you from evolving as a person then do it, regardless of their response its better to have it out there then hide it. i can live with hiding some stuff from parents but being trans seems like a pretty big part of your identity and i dont think you can move forward if you keep hiding it. like theyre your parents, they should care even if they dont get it. just some food for thought, im not going to urge you to do it as i dont really know what your home life is like nor do i understand the coming out process but it seems like figuring that part of your life out can help. tldr: finding and embracing your identity, building confidence in yourself and making moves towards the future = profit. nothing happens overnight and its going to be a process but you got to put yourself out there into new situations, new experiences even if its just small things at a time. nothing right now needs to be a life plan but breaking your routine will help make you more interesting other people and more importantly yourself. im not a therapist or anything so take a lot of this with a grain of salt if you want, i just really feel for the i just turned 20 and feel worthless type mentality at the moment. that also means im giant hypocrite because i have yet to apply any of this to myself and im just thinking about it at the moment lol. hopefully some of this helped you though and thank you for helping me vent a bit to somebody with a similar ish situation.
Once again seeing positive vibes to everyone this thread. I hope you will find peace, love and happiness. What ever challenge you are facing i pray you get through it.
Went to the gym yesterday, as the mask mandate in my area was lifted last weekend. This was a big goal for me cause I had really slacked on exercise throughout the pandemic, just doing the minimum for stress relief and not anything more. So basically, after a year and a half of no real HIIT type exercise, I am today finding out I have sore muscles in places that I had forgot existed. I also did not injure myself the first time back to the gym, which isn't that impressive at my age, but it was something I was anxious to avoid.
its currently 3am and Im being kept awake by my neighbours very loudly having breakup sex, which isnt relevant but is pretty funny imo.
a lot has happened recently. As I've mentioned here before, my boyfriend is doing a semester abroad. Its actually been going okay. I miss him tons, and the no sex part is p hard but we've been keeping in touch lots, we've been communicating, and we've been doing e-sex, which isnt my favorite thing but its something. I trust him a lot, more than I've ever trusted a partner before, but even then those old insecurities come creeping back up on me. Sometimes I genuinely dont understand why hes putting so much effort into this relationship. I dont feel like anything special, I dont see what I give him that any other girl couldnt. Im so glad he is btw, this is not a criticism of him obviously, but Im just overwhelmed by sadness and loneliness a lot, and its worse these past few weeks because I had to change therapists and I havent been able to find a new one yet and hes just been so loving and caring and supportive even though hes an entire continent away and Im just overwhelmed by love for him. But Im also overwhelmed by guilt. I've stopped as far as music is concerned. I dont want to do bands anymore, I dont want to have to deal with lead singers or petty fights or having a show go wrong because the drummer drank too much. Just before I quit my last band, we played a show in brooklyn, and it was one of the best nights of my life, but also just opened my eyes to how much I love playing live in spite of my band members, and not because of them. That said, I wanted to put out a solo album. But thats going slow, and its halted altogether recently as my depression has gotten worse. Adding to this, Im unemployed at the moment, living off savings and some money I scrap together by doing odd jobs and stuff. I've got stuff lined up in the future, as Im going to beginning working as a coder for a crypto firm in a couple weeks, but I dont know. It just makes me feel so guilty that my boyfriend is so amazing, and hes going to come back to a girlfriend who has no motivation or career prospects. It makes me feel awful to do that to him. But I genuinely cant seem to change on my own, and with the whole therapist fiasco I dont know what to do. I want to get better, but I dont know how, and I just seem to keep on getting worse. I dont even have a friend irl to talk to about this anymore. I've drifted apart from all my friends, or theyve drifted apart from me. It is my fault, for letting depression do that to me, but it doesnt make it any easier to bear, and Im just. so lonely sometimes. And I keep counting down the days until my boyfriend comes back, but dreading what he's gonna think of me when he does come back.
Thank you all for listening, goodnight and i love u
its currently 3am and Im being kept awake by my neighbours very loudly having breakup sex, which isnt relevant but is pretty funny imo.
a lot has happened recently. As I've mentioned here before, my boyfriend is doing a semester abroad. Its actually been going okay. I miss him tons, and the no sex part is p hard but we've been keeping in touch lots, we've been communicating, and we've been doing e-sex, which isnt my favorite thing but its something. I trust him a lot, more than I've ever trusted a partner before, but even then those old insecurities come creeping back up on me. Sometimes I genuinely dont understand why hes putting so much effort into this relationship. I dont feel like anything special, I dont see what I give him that any other girl couldnt. Im so glad he is btw, this is not a criticism of him obviously, but Im just overwhelmed by sadness and loneliness a lot, and its worse these past few weeks because I had to change therapists and I havent been able to find a new one yet and hes just been so loving and caring and supportive even though hes an entire continent away and Im just overwhelmed by love for him. But Im also overwhelmed by guilt. I've stopped as far as music is concerned. I dont want to do bands anymore, I dont want to have to deal with lead singers or petty fights or having a show go wrong because the drummer drank too much. Just before I quit my last band, we played a show in brooklyn, and it was one of the best nights of my life, but also just opened my eyes to how much I love playing live in spite of my band members, and not because of them. That said, I wanted to put out a solo album. But thats going slow, and its halted altogether recently as my depression has gotten worse. Adding to this, Im unemployed at the moment, living off savings and some money I scrap together by doing odd jobs and stuff. I've got stuff lined up in the future, as Im going to beginning working as a coder for a crypto firm in a couple weeks, but I dont know. It just makes me feel so guilty that my boyfriend is so amazing, and hes going to come back to a girlfriend who has no motivation or career prospects. It makes me feel awful to do that to him. But I genuinely cant seem to change on my own, and with the whole therapist fiasco I dont know what to do. I want to get better, but I dont know how, and I just seem to keep on getting worse. I dont even have a friend irl to talk to about this anymore. I've drifted apart from all my friends, or theyve drifted apart from me. It is my fault, for letting depression do that to me, but it doesnt make it any easier to bear, and Im just. so lonely sometimes. And I keep counting down the days until my boyfriend comes back, but dreading what he's gonna think of me when he does come back.
Thank you all for listening, goodnight and i love u
I gotta say I have a roommate, an upstairs neighbor, and a next door neighbor that all have loud, rhythmic sex at sporadic times most days of the week, so I know what it’s like to not be able to focus or sleep lmao
Also glad you’re talking about this and I think it’s important. I’m not sure if this aligns perfectly with your relationship since my partner and I are open, but I’m in a long distance relationship of nearly 2 years and still have random waves of anxiety/paranoia about why they’re still with me, if I’m satisfying them enough emotionally, etc. Never-ending “what-ifs.” I usually talk myself away from that space by reminding myself how much I bring to a relationship—that goes for platonic relationships and familial btw—and if someone isn’t satisfied with me, they’ll me know. Or I can quite simply ask if my anxiety is that possessing.
You mention you don’t have a lot of motivation/career prospects, but let me blow your mind:
being an artist doesn’t fucking work like that
artists don’t always have prescribed schedules
artists don’t always know what your career outlook is on a long-term basis
your artistic inspiration comes in seasons and it’s probably better to embrace that rather than reject the reality of it
Obviously none of those ideas shake hands with capitalism and call it a day… I have to grind to make it in my city, so please don’t think I’m being tone deaf. All I’m trying to say is you deserve to be patient with yourself because you are an artist, and an artist that does want to drop a solo album, and an artist that will drop a solo album, but not if you think you’re a failure for not releasing it according to someone else’s expectations.
Just do that shit and if your boyfriend is worth anything, he’ll help you get there rather than anchor you to your insecurities.
Went to the gym yesterday, as the mask mandate in my area was lifted last weekend. This was a big goal for me cause I had really slacked on exercise throughout the pandemic, just doing the minimum for stress relief and not anything more. So basically, after a year and a half of no real HIIT type exercise, I am today finding out I have sore muscles in places that I had forgot existed. I also did not injure myself the first time back to the gym, which isn't that impressive at my age, but it was something I was anxious to avoid.
Welcome back to the gym, I gotta ask if it was nerve-wracking throwing yourself back into what’s usually a confined space with a lot of people you don’t know exerting? I’ve steered clear for the last couple of years for the same reasons as you and can still barely bring myself to being okay with entering one now, let alone spending an extended period of time.
