The Gossiper: Volume 6

Chat Rooms to Be Abolished Completely, Replaced with Forum

For years, Showdown has provided instant-message-based chatrooms as a way for users to socialize with each other. However, partially due to the success of the forums on Smogon, the Showdown staff is finishing discussions on converting to a forum. Each existing chatroom will have its own subforum. These subforums will be grouped into categories such as Language subforums, official tier subforums, and general conversation subforums.

Similar to other forum-based websites, each user will have to register an account with an e-mail address, which is a much longer process than the quick registration that Showdown currently has. According to the staff, this is being done because ban evaders are a problem, so by forcing each account to be linked to an e-mail address, those who are banned will have to exert much more effort to evade and come back online, which acts as a deterrent.

"This is clearly the best way to stop evaders," says Showdown Moderator innovamania. "We'll show them! Yeah! I'm really cool."

There have been some concerns that there will be redundancies between the forums on Showdown and Smogon. "Showdown's totally cooler," explained Showdown Driver Aelita. "You can type posts on a forum and battle on the same tab. That's so rad, yo." Additionally, Smogon is a purely English-based forum, whereas Showdown's forums will not be.

The transition between chatrooms and subforums will be quite smooth, say the staff. Global staff will retain global moderation power, while room staff will be given Moderator status in their respective subforums. You can also apply to be a moderator for just five US dollars. The fee exists because a portion goes as royalties to The Gossiper. We at The Gossiper need monetary assistance because we're being sued for libel.

"Gusts of Wind" and "Collapse" Added to Simulate an Actual Ladder

It is common knowledge that "The Ladder" is not a physical ladder, but a ranking system that players climb and descend similarly to how they would a ladder. Showdown has prided itself on accurately simulating the official Pokémon games. In a similar vein, Showdown wishes to accurately simulate the feature that is named "The Ladder" based on real-world physics.

The first addition to the new ladder are "gusts of wind." A tall ladder outside on a windy day is very dangerous. Therefore, every hour, there will be a 1% chance of a gust of wind occurring. If there is a gust of wind, one metagame's ladder will be chosen at random. The players on said chosen ladder are then subject to the gust of wind. The higher the player is on that ladder, the higher the chance that the player will be blown off the ladder by the gust of wind, which will immediately change that person's Elo rating on that ladder to the default of 1000 points.

The second feature, collapse, simulates the real-world qualities of weight and structural strength. Ladders are sturdy, but cannot withstand an infinite amount of weight. On a tall enough ladder, too many people standing on the ladder poses structural issues. The weight limit of each of Showdown's ladders is approximately 3000 players. If there 3000 or fewer people who have played a ladder match in a certain metagame, causing said players to be on that metagame's ladder, then there are no issues. However, for every player on the ladder after the 3000th player, the probability that the ladder will collapse over time increases. If the ladder collapses, then everyone's Elo scores for that metagame will be reset to 1000 points.

Remember that although Showdown shows only the top 500 players on the ladder, there are actually many more than that on any given ladder.

"Laddering can get dull after a while," says Showdown Moderator Relados. "These features make it so much more exiting. Nothing make me happier than seeing someone's dreams and hard work ruined. I am such a good person. You should invite me to your wedding."

Showdown Partnering with US Government to Accelerate Development

Those who write code and improve Showdown in the technical space do so voluntarily. Therefore, Showdown's developers have limited time to improve the site. In an effort to speed up development, Showdown is partnering with the United States Government.

Government advertisements will now appear very frequently on Showdown, and each time a new user registers on Showdown, they will be asked if they would like to donate to the US government. In return, government employees who are well-versed in code will work for Showdown, rapidly implementing updates and features.

"I have two immediate goals," said President Obama in a recent press conference. "First, I want to make sure implementation of the Affordable Care Act continues smoothly. And second, I want to make sure all of the users of pokemonshowdown.com receive beneficial updates at an unheard-of rate." A thunderous applause followed.

Showdown's staff members allegedly did not approach the US government to seek this partnership. "Vice President Joe Biden messaged me on Showdown one day. He messaged Goddess Briyella too, but apparently she was away at the time," recounts Showdown Moderator Electrolyte. "I was in the Lobby and didn't believe it was him until a letter came to my house shortly afterwards."

President Obama will be visiting Showdown in order to help him decide whether or not he will finalize the decision to partner with Showdown. Showdown's partnership could be in jeopardy if the president is not pleased.

Therefore, you better watch out, you better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why. Obama is coming to Showdown. He's entering rooms, checking them twice. Gonna find out who's naughty or nice. Obama is coming to Showdown. He sees you in the battles. He knows when you're AFK. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness' sake. Oh, you better watch out, you better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why. Obama is coming to Showdown!

MattL Leaves the Pokémon Community

Showdown Moderator, Overused Room Owner, and The Gossiper writer MattL has announced that he is departing from the competitive Pokémon community. "I've enjoyed being here so much. I've met a ton of amazing people and am glad to have been able to contribute. But lately I've been pretty inactive because I'm just too busy in real life, and when I'm able to be online, I'm almost always doing other things, so I don't want to go into rooms and then be afk when people need me. I don't see that changing anytime in the near future," MattL says.

MattL has stated that this also means that The Gossiper will no longer be a series that produces issues. "In each issue, I tried to make it very apparent that The Gossiper was purely satirical. I had so much fun writing it and am glad it got to be part of such a great web magazine. Now that I think about it, this article that you'’re reading now is one of the few The Gossiper articles to have any truth in it. I lie a lot in The Gossiper for satirical purposes, but unfortunately everything in this subarticle is 100% true."

Reporters asked MattL why he chose to only write a satirical series for The Player. "You won't know this unless you've been 'behind the scenes,' but I take policy pretty seriously compared to other staff. I could've written an article about promotion standards or one entitled 'Foundations of Theoretical Policy,' but that's what everyone expects out of me. That's exactly why I did a 180 and chose to write only comedy. I really appreciate everyone who complimented me on the articles!"

"To everyone I've met on Showdown and Smogon, you guys have made this whole experience so rewarding and memorable," MattL says. "I regret not getting to know a lot of you better, but even if I never said it, I'm so thankful to have been a member of all of these awesome communities. To all of my friends here, I love you all; you've been great to me. I also really appreciate those who entrusted me in leadership positions and those who've listened to and respected my decisions. Hopefully I did a good job and did well for the community."

MattL then went onto talk about Twitter. "With all the hashtags going around these days, there's one you should remember: #MattL. Was it necessary to throw in one silly comment amidst all the sentiment in this The Gossiper article? I'm not sure, but regardless, I can't say enough how great this all has been and how awesome all the people I've met are, including you," MattL says, pointing to the camera. "Take care everyone. It was a pleasure. Keep doing well in and for the community, and best of luck to all of you wherever you go. Thanks, and farewell."