The Perilous Pundit's Guide to Climbing the Ladder

Laddering, the act of climbing up the ladder on Pokémon Showdown!, can be confusing and difficult, especially if you're not a household name Pokémon player like...well, I don't really know any famous or well-known Pokémon battlers, but you can definitely be a celebrity if you follow our tips [citation needed].

Be Mentally Prepared

Make sure that you're in the right frame of mind. After all, laddering takes a lot of time and commitment, and it can be extremely frustrating when the tiniest thing goes awry. We recommend a quick hit of crystal meth to get yourself intensely focused. Instructions on obtaining this miracle drug will be given in the next Gossiper issue. You can also email haunter.admin@pokemonshowdown.com for a list of drug dealers in your immediate area, depending on where you live. The password is "salami pants." If this is Antemortem begging for more, I told you that you're not getting any more. Stop asking.

Making Your Team

You could look at the usage stats for your tier, Smogon's Pokédex, the viability rankings, or a team on the RMT forums, but you need to learn how to do this shit on your own without relying on outside help. Randomly pick six numbers from one to, like, a little over seven hundred. I think that's how many Pokémon there are. Multiply those six numbers by two, subtract them from your birth date, and then focus really hard on your first love. Yeah, her. What would she say? "You should stop playing Pokémon." Forget about her. Move on. God knows she doesn't respond to your texts anymore no matter how hard you pour your heart out. I mean, why is she so vicious? Can't she see how important Pokémon is? Just move on. God. You have to move on. Take a deep breath. Maybe have a beer. Or some crystal meth. Whatever works.

Right. Making the team? Just throw some Pokémon together. Who cares?

Getting Out Of Elo Hell

Elo Hell is the name Showdown users give to the lowest rung on the ladder, where people who think Pokémon is some kind of German automobile manufacturer, or maybe a Japanese politician, will lurk. They are ignorant, deluded souls who think that things like Fire Blast / Flare Blitz / Overheat / Fire Punch Mega Charizard X will make them win Final Jeopardy and take home the Shroud of Turin (I don't follow the actual Pokémon games very much, but I'm pretty sure this is what happens to League champions).

You'll be able to beat these poor, naive souls quite handily, unless one is someone carrying something stupid like Choice Scarf Absorb Goodra that manages to sweep your whole team. Silently plot the offender's execution in your mind, and...

Don't Lose Focus

Just like Nicolas Cage in that fine movie Taken, you will need to aggressively manhandle the competition. You will face the trials that all true athletes endure: sweaty palms, headaches, slight dizziness, and hunger pangs. You must not accidentally click Aqua Jet instead of Play Rough on the...that thing with Water Absorb. Or is it Storm Drain? One of those things.

Don't Battle DrBigBallz666

Seriously. This guy has like a whole team of paralysis and flinch abusers. Oh, and a lot of Prankster crap, too. Who the fuck does that? He's such a jerk and he gets so lucky. I bet he's not even a real doctor.

Check The Team

By now, you should have a halfway decent glimpse into your squad, or battalion, or whatever it's called. You know that Tyranitar brings sand and Excadrill goes fast in sand. Unless you gave it Mold Breaker by mistake. Did you? You better check. Right now, I mean it. Okay, just...hold on. You gave it Sand Force? Hey, wait a minute, this might work. Here, post it in the creative sets thread on the Smogon forums. Unlike most of the thread, you'll actually have used what you posted. Oh, your time ran out and you lost?

Dude, you should have been paying attention.

Don't Battle SwagManTheHedgehog, Too

Got three crits in a row with that stupid Keldeo. I swear he's hacking.

Get A Healthy Snack

It's at this point where you may need more meth. Also, you're probably hungry, so take a break from PS!, walk into the pantry, and just stare at the shelves blankly. Ignore statements like "What are you doing here?" or "This is a private residence" or "For God's sake, put some pants on." You'll find something eventually.

Just, Like, Keep Battling

You got this. I believe in you. You're managing to win, you're squeezing out of Elo Hell, and...wait a minute, you're trying to get to the top? Of the ladder? Like, number one? Oh, I was thinking of something else. Damn. You have to be really good for that. And really lucky. You know how many people are trying to get to number one? Don't bother. Just, like, solve a Rubik's Cube or something. Or do more meth.

We'll see you next time on The Perilous Pundit's Guide To Underage Drinking. Wait...I am being told this is illegal and we can't run it. Okay, fine, wait for The Perilous Pundit's Advice Shack & Burrito Bar.

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