It's Not Easy Owning an Eevee

By Th!nkPi. Art by Bummer.
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Every morning I wake up my Eevee is right by my side, ready to welcome me into my dull reality. As much as I enjoy the Dream World, her rambunctious nature entices me to get up and start my day. My Eevee is perfect. Her creamy brown and snow white fur overlap in sequential sexiness. Her baby-doll face and giddy smile leaves people breathless in her presence. When people call her name, her ears perk up as though she has an innate instinct to have the cutest frickin' reaction to a rather mundane lifestyle. She's such a heartstopper! It's a shame I'm not in the market for defibrillators. Not a single person who sees her ceases to be mesmerized by her playful energy. For an Eevee lover, it's a dream come true, right?

Wrong. While Eevee may be enjoying the luxurious life, my life sucks Aspears. Everyday, at least one person walks up to me and compliments my Eevee on her looks. Then, with the straightest face possible, they have the Poké Balls to ask me, "which Eeveelution are you going to choose?" Yeah. I know. No, this isn't a joke. They look me in the eyes and ask me which form of evolution I'm going to pick and force her body to change into, suggesting one of eight disasters that'll completely demolish the amazing look she's gifted with in the first place. Could you imagine living your life that way? Could you see yourself waking up to people squealing every time they look at your Eevee, just to suggest you stick her with a rock and watch her instantly sprout three fins from her skull? Look, I'm not entirely sure what goes on in my Eevee's mind, but I'm almost certain she prefers not to watch her skin melt every time she plays in the water. I'm sure if you owned an Eevee you'd understand.

Luckily for Eevee, I'm a loving trainer. It's her decision whether or not she wants to evolve. Otherwise, I would've gone with the first suggestion I was given when I caught her. She'd probably be walking around looking like she lost a fight with a lion and a faulty outlet. She'd be a Jolteon, the Pokémon most likely to need a perm one day. It still boggles my mind that people love Jolteon. Eevee could look like that too without needing to evolve. I could dye her fur yellow and white, throw her into a pool of hair gel and get a group of giggly girls to shape the spikes. Is that really all that attractive? Sure, Jolteon is exceptionally fast. But it also looks like a fashion wreck. Just let Eevee sport a cute Choice Scarf and she can be fast too!

And don't get me started on Sylveon, pfft! Attention-seeking much? No one needs to wear two bows to look cute except Sylveon. Sylveon even refuses to be normal! With the ability Pixilate, every Normal-type move becomes Fairy-type, like a hipster that refuses to conform to the way everyone else battles. Sylveon turns every Hyper Beam into a sparkly beam of light so glittery she could vomit afterwards and still pretend she's adorable. I know it sounds pessimistic, but stop trying so hard, Sylveon. Only people obsessed with Fairy-type Pokémon will bother to acknowledge your existence.

As for Leafeon, it's a funny story. I stepped on a Leafeon once. Before you berate me for Pokémon abuse, understand it was asleep in a pile of leaves and greenery. I never quite understood why it didn't just sleep in a bed, or at least in a house. It wasn’t sunny that day, and the Leafeon chose the most inconvenient spot to slumber. It's as if when it evolved it traded a brain for the ability to blend in with foliage. I suppose it's not the best reason to hate Leafeon, but after spending weeks in the hospital, it was easy to develop a distaste for it. Taking the full brunt of a Leaf Blade is a lot more painful than one may think.

Now, if you haven't already figured out why Flareon is such a terrible Eeveelution I worry for your competence. For the sake of genuine ignorance, I'll spell it out for you: Flareon is demonic. Who in their right mind would own a bright red Pokémon, complete with beady black eyes and the power to singe people with nth-degree burns? Oh, excuse me for not mentioning the small white cornea. I guess it makes up for Flareon's ability to start forest fires. Its fur is ruffled beyond repair and there's nothing you can do about it. While my Eevee may be cute, she can also be moody. I would rather not give her the power to burn the house down when I try to give her a bath.

Espeon and Umbreon are just plain weird. To be frank, the average trainer wouldn't notice at first. One morning you'll wake up and notice your Espeon by the window. It'll be gazing at the sunrise. You'll think it's cute and stare at him for a few minutes, reveling in how majestic Espeon appears in the sunlight. But give it five minutes, and you'll notice something is off. You've been staring at Espeon this entire time, and he hasn't flinched. In fact, he hasn't even blinked. You feel a sudden chill go down your spine as you meekly call out his name. "Espeon? D-Do you want go for a w-walk?" Your heart tightens up as Espeon continues staring at the sun. "E-Espeon?" Several seconds pass by. Suddenly, Espeon's head slowly begins to turn ever so laterally. 90 degrees or so later Espeon stares at you with a blank expression, its empty eyes peering into your soul. You know the answer. Espeon isn't going anywhere. It's healing, and it will continue to do so every morning until it drives you insane. Alas, you'll never know true insanity until you have to sleep with your fully awake Umbreon performing the exact same ritual with the moon. Ugh. Espeon and Umbreon will always creep me out.

Then there's Glaceon. What a disaster. You could catch a cold hugging that Pokémon. Glaceon is the Canadian Eeveelution if you think about it. It wears a tuque on its head and is virtually useless in battles. I learn more moves being drunk at a club for the weekend than Glaceon does its entire life. If getting frost bite from contact isn't scary enough, the thought of surprising a Glaceon while hugging it should strike fear into you. You haven't felt pain until you've had an entire coat of fur turn into an array of icy needles piercing your flesh. Even if you manage to keep your distance from Glaceon, it's still an aggravating Pokémon. It'll create a diamond dust in the house out of boredom, and it's all fun and games until you get sick and spend the rest of your day in bed. Glaceon can control the temperature around it. Do you really want to risk getting hypothermia in your sleep? You'd be better off releasing it into the Alps or trading it to a hiker. Glaceon is simply not worth it.

I'd never sacrifice my Eevee. She's too adorable! There isn't a single Eeveelution that's worth changing her cuteness, regardless of what anyone else may tell you otherwise. Trust me, I would know. It's not easy owning an Eevee.

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