Craigslist is not the only option. It's a horrible place to look if you don't havw finesseI have like twenty sites in mind that are better options. Pm me and ill give a list. And for gods sake, make sure you ask somebody about the online person you meet. Be suspicious of everything and don't get easy
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Seeking advice on coming out / not coming out to friends and family
- Thread starter Flamewheeler
- Start date
Hard to reply in this thread without repeating all the great advice everyone has given, but I figure another voice of support is never a bad thing! Like others have noted, our generation is very homo-friendly; it seems harder finding someone who isn't comfortable having a gay friend than the opposite. Coming out to the generation of our parents/aunts/uncles is where the anxiety mostly lies imo, so I wanted to offer some advice from experience about keeping those relationships strong during what can be a trying time.
Firstly Id like to highlight the already mentioned importance of not going through the process alone. Having at least one close friend who knows and you can speak candidly with is invaluable, whether you are asking for advice, complaining, crying, venting, whatever. You never know what direction a parent's reaction can send you reeling, so its helpful to have someone in your corner.
Secondly, if it is not accepted right off the bat, be patient. It is obvious but also helpful to remember that its normal for parents to be shocked and not understand immediately. I think most believe that they have a heterosexual child until told otherwise, and after thinking that for x amount of years it reasonably takes awhile to get used to a new reality. Most were raised with different values in a different time, and coming to grips with having a gay child can take time.
That being said, be confident and don't waver in your quest for them to love and understand. My parents took the news very harshly and never endeavored breach the subject for almost 2 years, both with me and between themselves. They were deathly afraid to say the word “gay”, barely whispering it if they ever felt it was necessary to use. I fear this is a pretty common thing: parents “know” they have a gay child but really prefer pretending they don't, or worse, hope that ignoring it will make it go away. This is annoying and can plant a huge unresolved elephant in the middle of every room and conversation you share, which is why I advise striving to keep the dialogue alive. This is not to be spiteful or incite them, but to show that its not a topic to be afraid of and cement in their minds that this is who you are, not just some phase you'll recover from.
For me, opening up the discussion each time was often just as nervewracking as coming out the first time, there was lots of crying and yelling, and it sometimes felt like we were just talking/arguing in circles. Regardless, the goal is to keep them thinking about it and facilitate not just their acceptance, but an understanding and comfort level that allows them to remain engaged in your life without feeling like there always this taboo issue. I think I made a mistake in letting my parents deny my sexuality for so long, and it only deepened their resistance and hatred of the fact. This might not be the way everyone chooses to approach it, but for me the alternative was them shutting down and never evolving their perception of what it means to have a gay son. In the end it boiled down to one fact: it is a relationship with another man, not a woman, that will give me a happier and more complete life. Any parent who wishes those things for their child will eventually come around to acceptance and the larger logic that was there all along: homosexuality ain't nothing but a pronoun change.
This advice of course should be tailored to the climate of your particular situation, you don't want to overload them, and certainly don't want to anger your father to the point of violence. Sincerely hope it doesn't come to violence, but as others have said you obviously can't stand for that and should both report it and get out of harm's way. It seems an unfair burden that the gay child may have to help the parents through the coming-out process and not the other way around, but I truly believe simple conversation can make all the difference in maintaining a healthy relationship with them. With any luck yours will choose to be active in understanding of their own accord.
I guess all this advice is post coming-out, so I apologize if you don't find any of it immediately helpful! If you do reach a comfort level with your sexuality where you choose to identify as gay, remember that coming out is something most every gay person has to go through. You are not alone, its a shared experience. Being nervous and scared is normal, and there is literature you can read yourself or suggest to your parents/family if you're feeling stuck. Move at your own pace, ask for help and support when you need it, blah blah blah all that cliché stuff that actually works and you can come out the other end a happier more confident person with one less burden on your back! Good luck!
Firstly Id like to highlight the already mentioned importance of not going through the process alone. Having at least one close friend who knows and you can speak candidly with is invaluable, whether you are asking for advice, complaining, crying, venting, whatever. You never know what direction a parent's reaction can send you reeling, so its helpful to have someone in your corner.
Secondly, if it is not accepted right off the bat, be patient. It is obvious but also helpful to remember that its normal for parents to be shocked and not understand immediately. I think most believe that they have a heterosexual child until told otherwise, and after thinking that for x amount of years it reasonably takes awhile to get used to a new reality. Most were raised with different values in a different time, and coming to grips with having a gay child can take time.
That being said, be confident and don't waver in your quest for them to love and understand. My parents took the news very harshly and never endeavored breach the subject for almost 2 years, both with me and between themselves. They were deathly afraid to say the word “gay”, barely whispering it if they ever felt it was necessary to use. I fear this is a pretty common thing: parents “know” they have a gay child but really prefer pretending they don't, or worse, hope that ignoring it will make it go away. This is annoying and can plant a huge unresolved elephant in the middle of every room and conversation you share, which is why I advise striving to keep the dialogue alive. This is not to be spiteful or incite them, but to show that its not a topic to be afraid of and cement in their minds that this is who you are, not just some phase you'll recover from.
For me, opening up the discussion each time was often just as nervewracking as coming out the first time, there was lots of crying and yelling, and it sometimes felt like we were just talking/arguing in circles. Regardless, the goal is to keep them thinking about it and facilitate not just their acceptance, but an understanding and comfort level that allows them to remain engaged in your life without feeling like there always this taboo issue. I think I made a mistake in letting my parents deny my sexuality for so long, and it only deepened their resistance and hatred of the fact. This might not be the way everyone chooses to approach it, but for me the alternative was them shutting down and never evolving their perception of what it means to have a gay son. In the end it boiled down to one fact: it is a relationship with another man, not a woman, that will give me a happier and more complete life. Any parent who wishes those things for their child will eventually come around to acceptance and the larger logic that was there all along: homosexuality ain't nothing but a pronoun change.
This advice of course should be tailored to the climate of your particular situation, you don't want to overload them, and certainly don't want to anger your father to the point of violence. Sincerely hope it doesn't come to violence, but as others have said you obviously can't stand for that and should both report it and get out of harm's way. It seems an unfair burden that the gay child may have to help the parents through the coming-out process and not the other way around, but I truly believe simple conversation can make all the difference in maintaining a healthy relationship with them. With any luck yours will choose to be active in understanding of their own accord.
I guess all this advice is post coming-out, so I apologize if you don't find any of it immediately helpful! If you do reach a comfort level with your sexuality where you choose to identify as gay, remember that coming out is something most every gay person has to go through. You are not alone, its a shared experience. Being nervous and scared is normal, and there is literature you can read yourself or suggest to your parents/family if you're feeling stuck. Move at your own pace, ask for help and support when you need it, blah blah blah all that cliché stuff that actually works and you can come out the other end a happier more confident person with one less burden on your back! Good luck!
Tophway, thank you for that long and thought-provoking post! It does make me feel better to know that there is others like me in my same, if not worse, situation. For the past few days, this has been on my mind. Everytime I look at a family member I'm close to, I feel like I could just do it then and there, but then my mind races, thinking about the consequences.
It's kind of weird that you mentioned that because my older sister went through a gay phase where she decided she liked girls. My mom never hated her or anything, but she did think it was gross. But for her, it was just a phase so it just kind of died out. I guess that's helpful for me now that I think of that to see the reaction of my family. No one got mad or hated her in any way.
Just because I need to vent: I have some family in town from out of state and I stayed late, along with my bro, visiting with them at my Aunt's house, so my bro gave me a ride home. Well, on the way, he and his girlfirend somehow got into a conversation having something to do with gay people. So, he says, "I hate gay people." My heart just shrunk and my attitude immediately changed. And I thought to myself, will he hate me? It just hurts to think that someone I am so close to could eventually not be so close anymore. It's saddening and I think I need to tell someone. I'm pretty sure who I know will be my first "victim".
It's kind of weird that you mentioned that because my older sister went through a gay phase where she decided she liked girls. My mom never hated her or anything, but she did think it was gross. But for her, it was just a phase so it just kind of died out. I guess that's helpful for me now that I think of that to see the reaction of my family. No one got mad or hated her in any way.
Just because I need to vent: I have some family in town from out of state and I stayed late, along with my bro, visiting with them at my Aunt's house, so my bro gave me a ride home. Well, on the way, he and his girlfirend somehow got into a conversation having something to do with gay people. So, he says, "I hate gay people." My heart just shrunk and my attitude immediately changed. And I thought to myself, will he hate me? It just hurts to think that someone I am so close to could eventually not be so close anymore. It's saddening and I think I need to tell someone. I'm pretty sure who I know will be my first "victim".
I'm not going to bother reading the rest of the thread right now.
Don't come out when you are still dependent on your parents if there is a significant chance they will disown you. Yup, it means you'll have trouble dating in high school, but you probably would anyway. You just can't take that risk though. It could really ruin your life. If this isn't the case, then you have a very misleading OP.
Don't come out to many of your friends either. Word gets around. A few trusted people should do it.
Don't come out when you are still dependent on your parents if there is a significant chance they will disown you. Yup, it means you'll have trouble dating in high school, but you probably would anyway. You just can't take that risk though. It could really ruin your life. If this isn't the case, then you have a very misleading OP.
Don't come out to many of your friends either. Word gets around. A few trusted people should do it.
I concur. This is one of, if not the most important pieces of advice I've seen in this thread.
On another note, I can relate to your situation Flamewheeler, I to have(had) apprehension to the reaction that I'd receive if I told anyone that I was gay. I didn't have many friends in real life, certainly not any that I would trust with this piece of information. I did have a few select friends online that I trusted and all of them except one accepted me. The person who didn't accept was..very religious.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm facing stability and after a very long period were I analyzed my family reaction to homosexuality (dropping hints, like do you support gay marriage?) I don't have fear that I'll be rejected. The family members that I think would have a problem with my being gay are ones I'm close with to begin with.
Will I tell my family? I think sometime soon, but I have a very good inclination that they know that I'm gay anyway.
Please take a strong note of what Chris is me said and come out when you feel ready. I think though, that you'll be able to trust a close friend with it. You should have a very good gauge of which friends will accept you wholeheartedly. Even if you tell one person, the relief that you'll feel from that may give you the strength and assurance that others will accept you as well.
Take care, and please update the thread if anything occurs o.o
Maybe I'm not the best person to comment because I'm in a very similar situation myself but I'd like to say that you really shouldn't consider coming out unless you know your own sexual orientation. You know what I mean? The first step is becoming comfortable with yourself then I think coming out to other people will be easier. Also don't feel too pressured like that it's your responsibility to come out to your family or something. Just take it really slow and I suggest starting with a really trustworthy girl friend or gay friend (if you have one... I personally have a few).
Well, just for a reference to everyone: my plan is to come out to a specific friend first and then the rest will follow.
@ Diinbong: I agree with you completely; I mentioned earlier in the thread that I wasn't exactly sure what I was (gay or bi), but I was absolutely positive that I was either or. It's always cool that you mention a close girl friend because that's my first choice. xD
@ Diinbong: I agree with you completely; I mentioned earlier in the thread that I wasn't exactly sure what I was (gay or bi), but I was absolutely positive that I was either or. It's always cool that you mention a close girl friend because that's my first choice. xD
If you're in serious risk of your parents being anything but accepting of you, "the rest" is not a safe option. I can't overstate this enough.
Well, earlier I decided that "the rest", being my family, I guess, would come after I establised my independence. I've recieved that advice numerous times in this thread and I decided to follow it. So, that's something neither you or I have to worry about.
Lol, sorry if i wasn't clear (probably didn't even mention it xD), but I am going to be in my sophomore year of college this fall. So, no high school anymore! ^_^ And yes, I do live in the south, Florida to be accurate.
Edit: Ok, I didn't get directly to replying because well, there was a lot to read. So, I'm going to adress all of this back-nforth coversation as a whole because they are all connected pretty much.
Ok, I thank Priori, Firestorm, and Popemobile for defending me on this, but I am not accusing Relictivity of attacking or anything. I see your point of view relictivity, but I have to say that I too disagree. I don't think repressing these feelings is going to help me in any way. I have done this in the past with other situations and I can only say I feel regret. I still think about them and I don't think there is anything that can make me "un-think" them. Things happen and confronting them is something I have learned to do with many situations in my life. I've been taught to face things head-on and not to cower in fear. This may be on a larger scale, in my eyes anyway, but it's the same concept. Just hiding this for the rest of my life is only going to hurt me, but that's just how I feel because I can't really tell...I can't predict the future...And obviously, I don't feel that being gay is wrong, just that I know it may be to others. That's why it is so hard for me to confront it. I already have confidence issues, so being rejected, especially by those close to me, is a huge fear of mine.
Also, I was going to vent earlier, so this seems like a good time. My sister used to have a similar issue, but she never hid it. While she is in a completely different situation entirely, I still think I should share.
Anyway, somehow my Mom found out that she could possibly be dating this girl she is staying with. While my Mom disagrees, she did not say she hated her or anything of that nature. In fact, she said "I will love you no matter what", but she did also add that "God doesn't think it's cool" and my Aunt said "Same sex marriage is sin". ~.~ Either was, this felt reassuring, but doubt still runs through my mind because well, that's just me. I'm inching closer and I can feel it. These little hints are also helpful even though they don't know they're giving them to me (at least I hope not).
Thanks guys and I really do appreciate the advice and support. I'm pretty tired, but I figured I should respond, so good night now! =)
Deleted a bunch of posts. I know it was vaguely suggested we infract them in staff chat so I wanted to get them myself, since that'd be overkill as I don't see malicious intent.
That said, I think it's fairly obvious that's not the direction this is going(or should go, if I may commentate) and thus it is off-topic. Stay relevant, please.
Though man I'd loved to have thrown a 2 pointer there >_>
That said, I think it's fairly obvious that's not the direction this is going(or should go, if I may commentate) and thus it is off-topic. Stay relevant, please.
Though man I'd loved to have thrown a 2 pointer there >_>
o.O
This has been an interesting look at the community.
On topic:
You know, Adm Empoleon had an interesting notion. Went to America, screwed a girl, wasn't attracted to guys for a while. I recall this being in line with ... something I read somewhere (evolutionary theory, or psychology or something). That facing overpopulation, and surrounded by more males, you have a higher occurrence of gays. His all-boy school was the extreme of this. Yet when he moved outside his environment, he found that he could fall in love with a girl.
Food for thought: While you might not initially be attracted to girls, there's a chance you will if the right one comes around, or if an opportunity arises to enjoy one (internet 2D images are far from the real thing). The fact that you had crushes growing up supports this. If you're going to decide to be bi, try a girl for your first partner. You might end up changing your mind, and might avoid some conflicts with parents. If it doesn't work for you, at least you gave it a try.
I was wondering because it seems like a more liberal setting might be better suited to coming out. I go to University of Washington and there are tons of openly gay people and nobody tries to attack them for it. I thought perhaps you were still in high school and might seek a more nurturing setting upon entering college.
You should absolutely not rush coming out under that line of logic.
For one thing, you can't change your ways. It's being gay, not doing drugs or robbing banks.
Secondly, no they won't... if you don't date anyone, erase your browser history, and generally try to do a decent job of not dating anyone, people can and do stay closeted indefinitely. It's a terrible experience, but it's not impossible and is often the safest thing to do.
I honestly don't think most of the people in this thread realize how serious an issue coming out is.
This isn't supported by scientists. All leading medical and psychological organizations agree: Sexual orientation cannot be willingly changed by anyone. You may not be sure of your sexuality for awhile, and your preferences and self identity may change over time, but if you're 100% attracted to boys, being attracted to girls isn't really in the cards. Being from a single gender environment does not make this more or less likely.
hi flamewheeler. just posting to say goodluck with this, sucks parents can't always be understanding about everything =( i don't think it's necessary to come out to your parents or anyone yet if at all, so don't feel as if you have to. definitely don't rush yourself or put yourself under pressure. if you give it time i'm sure your feelings about this stuff will become apparent. labelling your sexuality when you're not certain of it isn't a smart idea, so yeah give it a good think, give it time and perhaps even try talking to people who are gay, bi or just that you find attractive. this might help you figure out what you "want".
good luck!
good luck!
Heh, Ace, you managed to put lots of things others have said very briefly and clearly...congrats for that! That's actually a good idea because I have a few (probably one) gay friend and she seems like the perfect person to talk to atm. I thank everyone who has contributed once again. I really do appreciate it and I plan to keep you guys updated.
So, I came out to my best friend a little while ago. She took it quite well, but doesn;t seem to believe it. She thinks that I need to have a serious relationship with a female before I can officially claim it. After all, I am pretty shy and I've only been with a handful throughout my life and have remained a virgin. But sex isn't what should seal the deal anyway imo. Just an update for you guys! Moving along slowly, but surely. =x
Just remember that it has taken a large portion of your life to come to terms with your sexuality, so obviously anyone you come out to may need some time to get used to the idea, especially if they aren't really too used to being around gay people already. Let her know that if she has any questions you'll be glad to answer them and leave it at that; she'll warm up to it eventually.
Chris is Me, I'm pretty sure that wasn't the point. She knows I'm not the "average" guy who tries to get in every girls' pants, but she also knows that I have feelings for this one girl, so like everyone else here, she wants me to absolutely know. I mean, that's what friends are for, right? Helping you think clearly?
And Thund, it's not the fact that she needs to warm up to it because we both know gay people. It's just that she wants what's best for me, and that I understand. Though last night was kind of weird because it's like she didn't believe I could be. And a good explanation of that would be because I said "I think I could be", so I'm sure that only gave her another reason to believe so, rather than a confirmation. I mean, she has told me before that when she first seen me she thought I was, but after getting to know she thought differently. And after all the years of denying it, I figured some people would have a little trouble.
Anyway, at dinner it was awkward. Apparently my bro's girlfriend thinks I'm feminine and could be, but she's thought that for a while. And for some reason, everyone at the table (my bro, his gf, and my best friend) questioned me, but my bro had my back even after I couldn't even conform for deny it. And after dinner was when I told my bf. She's not worried- she actually told me that the only way I would've freaked her out was if I asked "can I kiss you to see if I like girls" or something lmao. We talk about a lot, so naturally she would listen to my issues like I do hers.
Now, I just hope that this continues in a positive manner and I can truly get this sorted out. Thanks again guys!
And Thund, it's not the fact that she needs to warm up to it because we both know gay people. It's just that she wants what's best for me, and that I understand. Though last night was kind of weird because it's like she didn't believe I could be. And a good explanation of that would be because I said "I think I could be", so I'm sure that only gave her another reason to believe so, rather than a confirmation. I mean, she has told me before that when she first seen me she thought I was, but after getting to know she thought differently. And after all the years of denying it, I figured some people would have a little trouble.
Anyway, at dinner it was awkward. Apparently my bro's girlfriend thinks I'm feminine and could be, but she's thought that for a while. And for some reason, everyone at the table (my bro, his gf, and my best friend) questioned me, but my bro had my back even after I couldn't even conform for deny it. And after dinner was when I told my bf. She's not worried- she actually told me that the only way I would've freaked her out was if I asked "can I kiss you to see if I like girls" or something lmao. We talk about a lot, so naturally she would listen to my issues like I do hers.
Now, I just hope that this continues in a positive manner and I can truly get this sorted out. Thanks again guys!
Yeah, my mom wants what's best for me too but just hoping that "the gay" is gonna somehow go away and trying out girls isn't what's best for either of us. And "trying out girls" is the stupidest thing ever unless your either bi or curious (and in which case you like girls anyway) because a)you'll have no attraction to them whatsoever and b)it's leading the girl on.
It's not really all her fault though, you're beating around the bush. "I kinda sorta maybe think I'm gay." This is why I advocate people coming out when they're 100% prepared for it. You're going to have to confirm it rather than play the "I think" game.
My .02.
It's not really all her fault though, you're beating around the bush. "I kinda sorta maybe think I'm gay." This is why I advocate people coming out when they're 100% prepared for it. You're going to have to confirm it rather than play the "I think" game.
My .02.
Reading through this thread there really isn't much that hasn't been said. Since their isn't much I can actually add to help you, I guess I can at least retell my experiences.
I sort of figured out I was bi in a similar way to you, and eventually I just started to accept it. Luckily I have a family who wouldn't be bothered by my coming out, but for some reason I still don't intend to any time soon. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to have such a family.
But when I had accepted it, the first people I told was a group of LGBT's on a different forum I frequent, and then started telling a lot of the other people from the same site on Twitter and Skype. It is easier starting off with the friends you have online. As much as a lot of people online are immature, in good communities they tend to be very mature.
Then quite a while later one of my best friends came out to me, and I in turn did the same. I also came out to one of my flatmates, who also turned out to be bi. It's always good to have atleast a couple of people you have told. It means their is always someone to talk to, which really helps.
I sort of figured out I was bi in a similar way to you, and eventually I just started to accept it. Luckily I have a family who wouldn't be bothered by my coming out, but for some reason I still don't intend to any time soon. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to have such a family.
But when I had accepted it, the first people I told was a group of LGBT's on a different forum I frequent, and then started telling a lot of the other people from the same site on Twitter and Skype. It is easier starting off with the friends you have online. As much as a lot of people online are immature, in good communities they tend to be very mature.
Then quite a while later one of my best friends came out to me, and I in turn did the same. I also came out to one of my flatmates, who also turned out to be bi. It's always good to have atleast a couple of people you have told. It means their is always someone to talk to, which really helps.