Struggling with depression

[RODAN]

I'm not great at typing long posts, or being formal or anything just a fair warning.


Recently I came out to my mom as having relapsed back into depression, if you know me you know I have struggled with it a lot in the past, to the point of suicidal tendencies. This time isn't as much about me wanting to end it, more like me not finding joy in the things i previously enjoyed anymore. I am extremely apathetic towards everything.

This is probably due to the fact that I have been living at home with my parents, barely leaving the house or interacting with people outside of my family. I feel alone, which is why I spend so much time posting on the forums here and talking on IRC. Because it gives me this illusion of having real life friends. Not to downplay the friends I've made on this site, as they are extremely genuine friendships that I will hold dear forever.

Another thing that is pretty blatantly obvious if you hang around me long enough is that i'm fat. I am very fat, and it is extremely hard for me to do anything with my life, even if I had the motivation to do stuff - I fear that my body could just give out on me at any given moment. I live in constant fear of injury, I will not get a drivers license for this reason. And it is extremely scary for me to even grasp the concept of buses.

I don't want this to be a pity party or anything, but I felt that since this site has helped me so much in the past that I would ask: How do you cope with depression?

Consider this an early 7k I guess

xenu, internet Shaka Brah Mr.E THE_IRON_...KENYAN? shade antemortem zorbees faint Exeggutor and other members of #weeb. And my other friends cookie CaptKirby Jibaku and the rest. I just want to say thanks for everything. Here's to 7k more I guess (although if that happens assume my problem hasn't been solved!)

 

[Acklow]

Love you RODAN :)

 

[billymills]

I come on irc and hang out with equally depressed people.

:(

 

[faint]

Stay strong, buddy. We need those tough times in life so that we know when the good one's come around. (paraphrasing Bob Ross)

 

[shade]

you're an all round good bloke, we got your back lad

 

[cookie]

See a doctor. Depression isn't something to fuck with, or something you can just 'snap' out of (you probably know this already but I'm also pre-empting any smart-asses and ignorant well-wishers). Losing weight will also help you feel more comfortable and confident in your own skin, which will go a long way in getting out and doing stuff. Boredom and repetitive environments brought on by being stuck at home only make matters worse.

As for how I deal with depression, well, I wouldn't say I have depression - but I do regularly fall into 'ruts' where I am less passionate and/or productive, and generally a bit more of a cunt to be around than usual. I've learnt over the years that these phases come and go, and having a routine or a responsibility to force me to do *something* (even if I don't feel much better for it afterwards) helps immensely to help me ride out the ruts. If nothing else it keeps my mind occupied because dwelling on my own mental state does not help at all.

I have seen first-hand in myself and my family how depression or depressive tendencies manifest. One such manifestation is being crippled by fear of failure or not having the energy to deal with setbacks or lack of progress, stopping you from making your first steps. Example: you're fat, and it will take time to lose that weight and get healthy. And it will be difficult: your body initially won't be used to being pushed so hard. But that is fine. Everything takes time, everyone fails. The small steps you take at the start are what lead to bigger changes in your life. But even if small steps are all you can ever manage, then that is still infinitely better than having done nothing at all.

Finally: see a doctor. I cannot emphasise this enough. Depression is an illness to be managed and treated. You wouldn't sit at home letting cancer eat away at you, so why would you let depression do the same thing.

 

[vonFiedler]

The fatter you are, the easier it is to lose weight very quickly. This is because the more you weigh, the more calorie intake you need to maintain weight. Just regulating your calorie count in a day to 2000 calories, which can actually feel like a lot of food, should melt pounds off of you. I know you're autistic, so if you start counting calories, weighing your food, and doing the math, you should be able to obsessively get a handle on this. It will get to a point where you're still fat and it becomes hard to lose more weight, but at that point you might have lost 50-80 pounds, and that WILL fell amazing regardless. This is what worked for me anyway.

 

[faint]

Don't drink your calories either. I went from over 350 pounds to 190 primarily by eliminating soda from my diet and eating more balanced meals. I've been the same weight (+/- 5 lbs) for a little over 4 years now.

 

[CaptKirby]

well I hope I added more joy by suggesting things than I took away by berating xD

 

[sunny004]

Depression is something that nobody should have to go through; yet too many people do.

Unfortunately, not much in life will come around from doing nothing. (One can dream, though :P). If you heed cookie's advice (I advise you do so), your doctor may say the same thing as I am, but your current position, both mentally, and physically, won't change if you don't change anything. I'm not trying to say you should completely overhaul everything that you do in life, but you may find that small lifestyle changes have a big impact on your overall well-being. Take it one step at a time. Maybe start with something trivial that you can make a habit of, like faint said above, making an effort to cut sugar and fat levels out of your diet, or maybe walking around the block or up and down your street every morning. Eventually, a walk turns into a run, and you could eventually run a marathon! As long as you don't do anything reckless, you shouldn't really have to worry about injuring yourself. Plus, injuries always heal in the end. :)

You can do it; you just need to believe that you are able to take control of your direction in life, and take the first step.

Hope this helps!

 

[theangryscientist]

i'm not well versed in stuff like this, so i can't really give you any advice; that said, i hope things start looking up for you in the near future

 

[toshimelonhead]

Having gone through some of this myself, feel free to PM me if you have any questions on depression.

 

[nLTk]

To preface, opening up on Smogon is a difficult thing to do, so I will commend you for that.

After reading your post, I believe (but will not assume) that you're experiencing symptoms similar to mine. For me, these feelings will come in waves. For nights, I would stay up feeling as if there was a cloud of apathy shadowing me everywhere I went, and would stop eating and working. This would probably last for a few weeks or so. But they never really lasted, and went away after a while. I began to notice a pattern: I became depressed when I didn't have anything to do (home from school, break in work, etc.). What helped me was to keep myself busy. I did this in various ways; through school (then work), exercise, and personal projects. Candidly, I did not struggle with my weight, but I abused alcohol, which certainly didn't help, and had to beat that through personal means. But for the most part, I improved by consistently keeping my mind busy and body at use.

I'm not trying to give you an "instruction manual" per se, just trying to explain how I coped personally. To reiterate what cookie said earlier: see a doctor. There is simply no substitute for expertise in an area as serious as mental health. You shouldn't feel guilty/ashamed/scared to let people know how you feel, there are definitely people who want to help you. Again, I cannot emphasize this enough, there are people who sincerely want to help. I don't know you personally, but I wish you the best as you take this head-on. I'm sorry for the essay, but I sympathize with people who are in difficult situations similar to mine. Best of luck, you are most certainly not alone.

 

[blarajan]

i don't live your life nor know what you're experiencing but i think your depression will improve if you increase your access to more experiences, and your self esteem will improve if you take control of your weight. obviously losing weight is easier said than done but for the sake of your life i feel that the amount of time and effort you put in towards losing weight is an investment for a future where you actually enjoy living

there are some very easy things you can do to lose weight too. i was never super "fat" but i did manage to drop from 195 to 158 (i'm 5'10'') doing extremely minimal exercise. weight loss almost entirely in the kitchen

1) if you drink soda, just replace it with diet dude, some zero calorie sodas taste fantastic like cherry diet pepsi (current addiction), diet mountain dew, diet crush orange, cherry coke zero, fresca, etc. i also highly recommend getting a soda stream and some liquid water flavorings and going ham. soda replacements were key for me
2) genuinely find a vegetable you like and eat the fuck out of it. raw veggies are the ultimate low calorie snack, and just use like honey mustard or a zero calorie ranch as a dip and you're good to go
3) truly just eat stir fry all the time because it's cheap as fuck, healthy as fuck, and goes good on everything
4) this is a rule at my house (i don't live at home at the moment but one of my little sisters does and my parents are both fat): junk food once a week, it is only purchased that one time. they slip up every once in a while but since you live with your mom, just get her to be more strict with the groceries she purchases and the meals she make. ask her to help you be healthy
5) cycling. cycling is the easiest exercise to do while sitting down and messing on your computer. you can just get a little pedal thing to put under your desk and just move your legs while you're on the computer. calories are calories. they're kind of like this http://www.amazon.com/DeskCycle-Exercise-Pedal-Exerciser-White/dp/B00B1VDNQA
6) if you want even more easy calorie burning, buy into this thing. applying cold absolutely works https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/cool-fat-burner-burn-500-calories-with-no-diet#/

basically i'm all about easy weight loss and those are some very easy things you can do to just increase the calories you burn while minimizing the calories you consume. it's really not the "best way" to lose weight, but at its core weight loss is calories in being less than calories out, so who gives a fuck if you increase your aspartame or do something else. if the pounds drop, the pounds drop, and the above little suggestions are an extremely lazy way to lose weight that i dropped 40 lbs with (minus step 6) when i wasn't even fat

gl bud

 

[Mr.E]

I've done enough of bitching about my life on IRC lately, I won't rehash it here for everyone else. I mostly do the same shit in my free time, I just hang out online and play games. Hope doesn't keep me going because I have no hope, I mostly just don't give a shit because I know I'm personally fucking awesome. Fuck everyone else who doesn't think so and my circumstances are beyond my control, so I try not to waste too much time dwelling on it. I simply try to enjoy what I can make out of my free time and robotically go through the rest of the shit.

 

[Cresselia~~]

Depression, Diabetes and Dementia are often cluttered together, and recent studies suggest that ingesting too much sugar can lead to depression.
What you can do before seeing a doctor is to reduce the amount of sugar you intake.

But I agree with cookie-- clinical depression is not something you can snap out of. As it is caused by a deficiency in ... I think it's dopamine.
It's not caused by being a pessimistic person or anything like that.
It's not your fault.

Don't be too worried though. A lot of people on Smogon have depression too. You are definitely not alone.

 

[Souf]

Ah, this is an interesting topic.

As someone who struggles with depression myself, I think I have a decent grasp on the subject matter. I'll start with my story and go from there. There's a lot to tell, so I'll probably be all over the place, so bare with me.

some stuff

Since my mother's passing in 2008, I basically become a completely different person. I broke relationships with most everyone that I know at the time because I didn't want anything bad to happen to them. (It was a weird mental complex at the time. I was 12-13, so I thought I was cursed or some shit.) For years, any time someone would even mention my mother or my mother's name, I'd become really emotional and even start crying at times. My father worked nights into days, so during the daytime when I was awake he'd be sleeping. I only really saw him on weekends (as if he was divorced with my mother lol). At that point, I never really knew my father at all and vice versa. My mother was someone who I could talk to about anything. She was my therapist for my plain, insignificant problems at the time. So, at the time of her passing, I was left mainly alone. I had no one. I'd spend my days brooding and just miserable. The whole situation with my mother included a neurologist basically saying, "she's not ever getting off life support, her brain will never return to the state it was once in, might as well end it now." At the time, it was my father, my brother, my aunt, uncle, and I in a small waiting room. When this was told to us, everyone basically broke into tears immediately. I, however, ended up staring at the ground aimlessly for what felt like an hour. This is where things started taking a nose dive for me.

However, there was some light at the end of the tunnel. So one morning, while I was at school early (my brother would drop me off early every day) and just brooding in the cafeteria sitting at a table alone, I was confronted by someone. She was a lunch aide at the school. I'll refer to her as J. I guess word had caught on about my mother (this was before her actual passing; btw if you want the full story, feel free to pm me on irc. I'll probably be too busy to do so, but w/e) and she wanted to talk. Now at the time, I was just an overweight kid who was extremely shy and quiet. Even before the whole thing happened, I was never outgoing or talkative, sorta just there lol. So, idk how it started, but we ended up talking about soda and how she has a lot of it in her house or something like that. (Looking back, this was kinda silly) So, she and I became 'friends' in a sense and it eventually grew a lot. It eventually cultivated to her becoming the most important person in my life. She's been like a mother to me since then. I usually go to her house about twice a week nowadays and if I ever have issue, I'll talk to her about it. There's been conflict with this at times. My father, basically, has been jealous of this woman at several points in the time that I've known her. (There's times when I want to spend a certain holiday with she and her family [I'm always invited to such events] and he will not approve / get mad with me) He's a big proponent of the "blood is thicker than water" saying. He'll say he understands what she means to me, but that's not true. No one knows that but me. To sum up that relationship: basically, if someone like her didn't turn up in my life, I wouldn't be alive at this point. She gave me life, a reason to continue living after my mother's passing. She became basically a surrogate mother for me and helped steer me on the right track.

So, most mentions of my father in this story thus far haven't been very good. He and I usually think pretty similarly on things, but he thinks for the short-term usually and I the long term. One day on a 'vacation' (I call this a 'vacation' because I didn't want to go because it was a week before finals and college was dumping on my face) in Florida, he and I had quite the falling out. Basically, over two things. One, he didn't like how I was treating his girlfriend at the time (wife now). And two, he didn't like how I was spending Christmas Eve with J and her family. Looking back, I now know that I treated most everyone terribly at the time. I knew I was gonna fail a class for the semester (this is another fun story too, another time though. A really, really bad time.), and I couldn't stop stressing over it. To sum it up quickly, the professor was a 70+ year old military vet who was a terrible teacher of physics and just plain rude, racist, berating, humiliating, condemning, belittling (you get the point). Basically, I had been bullied by a professor (other students too). Felt like old times when I was bullied in middle school, too. (For those wondering why I didn't drop that class, I couldn't. I wouldn't have enough credits to maintain my scholarship, so it was a lose-lose for me) I was just a truly, truly miserable human being at the time. An emotional wreck. So regarding the second reason, I had much more of a relationship with J than my father at the point. Still do. And at that age, 18 or w/e I was, do I really need to spend the holidays at home? It was purely a case of my father not recognizing her family as family to me. Basically we had a loud, loud argument with him threatening to throw me out my house if I didn't come to like his girlfriend (of 2 years). I absolutely broke down at this point. I locked myself in a bathroom for like 6 hours. I couldn't believe that my own father cared more about his girlfriend of only two years than me, his son of 18. If my terrible time at that college wasn't bad enough, this just crushed me emotionally. If there was anything in that bathroom I could have used to harm myself physically, I would have. I had said earlier that I usually am good with thinking in the long term. I couldn't think of a solution at that moment. Right now, I can't fathom how worthless I felt at that moment. Now, of course, J has an opinion on my father. Her opinion mostly consists of ill-feelings toward him mostly because he declined multiple offers for family counselling after my mother had passed. I had no idea of this and when I found out, I got really mad / sad about it too.

We'll fast forward a bit to today. There's a story that I could tell of events that happened in the last year (people like CrashinBoomBang, Harsha, Ciele, Mizuhime, Nails, The Wolf, among others all know this story) but I'll omit that from this. It was not pretty. So, my dad married his girlfriend at the time. I have plenty of qualms with her and her family, but it's whatever. After losing all motivation for schooling, I figured I need to start working to make some $$$, and I did. Currently, I do not make much. It's something at least. Student loans, bills and more bills keep stacking each month. When I started working, it was actually really nice. I enjoyed my co-workers, my manager was nice, the boss was eh but whatever, and I was fine doing what I was doing (still do). After a while, it's started to take a toll on me and the slight smile I had would start transitioning into a :|. That's basically where I am right now. Not too bad, but not happy at all, really.

Guess I'll give some "advice" or something.

Get help. Don't try to tackle depression by yourself, it doesn't work. It will never work. Go visit a psychiatrist and see what they think you should do. If you don't like what one says, go see another until you find a plausible solution that suits you. I wish I could do this nowadays, but I typically don't have time in my day. I regret it every day of my life. Always do what will make you happiest in the long run.

Re: Losing weight. Around February of last year, I was significantly overweight and I wanted to make a change. After just a few minutes of shoveling snow one day, I ended up fainting. I went inside tried to get sugar / water inside of me. After a few min, I went back outside and fainted again. And again. This was a big eye opener for me. Obviously, you should know when you're overweight. This made it very clear to me. So from this point on, I started to lose weight. In about three months, I lost about 30 lb; ~13% of my body weight. It was a cool feeling to fit into pants that didn't fit me. After a while, I was dragged by my father to visit a personal trainer (he was going to train with him too). The first four sessions, I was near fainting each and every time. Felt like I was having a heart attack. I didn't want to continue doing it because why the fuck would I want to feel that way after a workout every time. After continuing at it, I eventually had a workout session that didn't make me feel shitty. I actually felt good for a change. So I kept at it, and I noticed that I was starting to not feel as shitty in my normal life. When I work out, I find that the plain, insignificant problems that plague me are nonexistent as I focus on lifting things up and putting them down. It could be just me, but this has helped me a lot in the last year. If you have any weight-loss questions, feel free to msg me.

Re: Suicidal thoughts. If you're ever feeling this way, talk to someone or do something to take your mind off it (i.e. something you enjoy doing). Never let these thoughts brood in your head. It doesn't have to be anyone irl, either. I talk to people on irc about my problems all the time (they know who they are) and it helps a lot.

Re: IRC friends giving the illusion of real life friends. I don't find it as an illusion at all. The people who I interact with are real people, even if they have a different facade than their real lives. I've met a few IRC friends (ie ium and Sam, maybe even Sweep tomorrow :o) and even other internet friends irl. They're real people. I'm usually more likely to talk to one of my close friends on IRC before I go and talk to someone irl first. That's just my preference and their opinions mean nothing less than anyone else's.

 

[Nails]

Depression is a bitch. I'm struggling with that one myself, I'll leave that to other people to help with.

Weight loss is just a process that requires persistence. If you want to do it, Just Do It. Everything you do adds up, be it negative or positive. Doing something about your weight definitely helps with depression too.

We're here for you man.

I feel like this post might come off as insincere or something because it's so short but I just don't know what to say really.

 

[Ender]

100% find a good psychiatrist.

Mental healthcare is important and as has been said, depression is something to take seriously and talk to a professional about. And it absolutely sucks, but it is something that can be treated and/or managed. It also may present with other psychiatric or medical co-morbidities that only a mental health professional will be able to identify and help you with. Hang in there and please please please see a psychiatrist!

 

[Max. Optimizer]

For starters, I'd like to say that it's in my opinion a shame that the term of "depression" is still some sort of a "taboo" in our self-proclaimed tolerant modern society.
Sadly, there's a far bigger plethora of people struggling with depression out there than one would have originally assumed. Unfortunately the vast majority of the concerned people doesn't want to talk about it because they fear that they might get labeled as "weak", let alone not even get taken seriously in the first place.

Sadly, a horrendous amount of people still confuse "having a serious depression" with "just having a bad day", which is the reason why I am perceived that we need to raise awareness about this omnipresent societal illness.
Furthermore it doesn't come as a big surprise that this sort of problem becomes increasingly ubiquitous in a world with both such a hectic every-day life and such a demanding society.

The important thing however is that: you shouldn't blame yourself for what has happened to you.
You shouldn't feel "guilty" in any possible way, since it isn't your fault.

There's a German proverb saying that both "Insight and acceptance are the two first steps towards recovery", so accept the undeniable fact that you currently have this problem, but always bear in mind as well that it's both not your fault and that there exist possible treatments offered by various professionals like psychiatrists.

As the French thinker Pierre Corneille once formulated: "Le temps est un grand maître, il règle bien des choses", which translates to "Time's a master, but it also let's things happen", the treatment is of course not an overnight success and can take several years. Don't rush things, feel free to take your time.

Furthermore, don't feel ashamed to ask for help.

Losing weight would however be a great first step into the right direction. By taking a closer critical look at the ancient Roman saying of "Mens sana in corpore sano", which translates to "A healthy mind in a healthy body", it already becomes clear that both the body and the mind are closely interlinked. You don't need to become super athletic or anything, but a healthier body would help you recover a lot faster.

In conclusion: It isn't too late yet to change your situation. Take all the time that you might need to get the help you need. I can tell you from my very own experience that a recovery is possible even though it might take a while. However, do not "force" things, because that would turn out to be rather counterproductive.

Other than that, I hope I could inspire you with these words and wish you a lot of strength and persistence.

 

[Seth_]

I know what are you feeling. Not like I'm fat or I don't have friends but I had problem like that in past when I was younger, like 12 and had no friends. I was different, whelp I'm still different but I came across this and now I have quite good life.

Overall you problem, and lots of people problem is that you only feel that way. No one else feels same thing. That's nonsens. Everybody has life failures and trust me, everybody feels terrible sometimes. Probably even more people feels same like you than you are thinking.

And also I know something that might help you. Find your passion. It don't have to be something huge. It only have to make you happy and maybe bring closer to people.

Easiest way is reading books. I love reading book, I love talking about books it's just fantastic! Have you ever read "Dune"?

Other way might be sport or psychical activity. You might think that you won't like it, but trust me, you cannot not like psychical exercises. Scientist proven that this free the endorphin in your brain. In internet there are a lot of tutorials, even for beginners and you can easily find something for yourself. And remember you don't have to be Schwarzenegger, it's enough to do exercises for 5-15 minutes every day.

Y'know you can try art, it's not too late. You might try to brew beer, you may want to learn new stuff. Life is full of interesting things to do, and even if you are fat and lonely you always can find something to do, something what allow you to feel like successful human being!

 

[fairytale]

Just repeating what was said before but yeah go see a doctor if at all possible. I was medicated when I was 13-15 and it balanced me out enough that I usually didn't think about killing myself anymore. It wasn't great but it helped. I eventually stopped taking my meds, some stupid teenage decision I somehow rationalized. It was bad news and I eventually spiraled into a much more crippling depression that I never addressed until I was 19. I got back on medication and it improved my mental state tremendously. I'm 22 now and my mental state has ranged from okay to great ever since. The second time was different though for a few reasons, but chief among them was I coupled my medication with working out to help fight my depression. It helped immensely. Apart from the physical and chemical changes that come along with regular exercise, I think the most important thing was the sense of autonomy it gave me; I knew I was taking an active role in making my life better, whereas before I felt that my life was depending on a pill. I never would think that negatively towards anyone else, but its hard not to be so critical of yourself, especially when you're depressed. Anyways, what I was trying to emphasize is that it doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you integrate something that will make you feel better about your life and situation into treatment. It doesn't have to be exercise but that would definitely probably be good to work into it if you are unhappy with your weight. I hope things get better for you.

 

[v]

I want to make a flippantly unkind comment but ill wait

 

[jumpluff]

I'm sorry to hear you're not doing well again RODAN.

I feel like everyone else covered the weight stuff very well (avoid liquid calories, diet >>> exercise especially at beginning where you lose lots just from calorie regulation, etc.), and cookie's advice to see a doctor is dead on. I just wanted to add that I know you've had metabolism problems from medication that caused the initial weight gain, which really sucks, I know how horrible and lethargic it makes you feel. Combined with depression killing your motivation and joy from things there can also be underlying psychological habits like boredom eating that might be adding invisible weight or making it harder for you to shake the weight, it's easy to surround yourself in things to do I've found and harder to do them when you're depressed. So I would consider focusing on eliminating that with a therapist if you think that's possibly there. Definitely talk about your depression in general with a therapist though. I wonder if it is also possible for you to see a physiotherapist because of your situation, so that you can figure out what is safe to do? (Swimming?)

I really think learning some life skills could be empowering for you though. Not saying this in 'it will cure your depression' but being active in what limited way you can will at least help while you work through depression itself. I'm sure you know going outside lifts endorphins. I understand very deeply your fear of injury; even sitting outside in the fresh air every morning to keep your sleep cycle regular and get some sunshine can help in my experience. That also helped me keep track of each day as a discrete period of time, which removed some of the meaningless of time passing. It sounds dumb but I get really unmotivated and depressed when I'm cooped up and I feel better when I go outside, but I hate going outside, so I have to find ways to do it that aren't abhorrent to me.

There's a real sense of accomplishment from learning these things, you feel a bit silly because many of your peers know these things but you also feel good because that's one more thing you're sufficient for yourself in, and you feel less alienated with society which is a huge thing that hurts with depression. It's a good way to develop what you have of executive functioning. I was so proud when I learned how bus routes work. I'm still scared of getting on buses because I'm scared I won't know when to get off at the right stop (asking the bus driver for help can get you a long way, at least here) but I'm learning. A lot of these skills you can look up to figure out how they work, like buses are made a lot easier by google maps and so on. The concept itself seems huge and daunting but you break it down into little things. You don't have to understand every aspect of the bus timetable or whatever, but you figure out each individual step and look up things in your area until you sort of build up a theory to test out. Things often seem huger mentally to tackle as a whole than as their individual, systematised bits. Learning to do chores and stuff like that has made me feel a little better and a little less scared of being alone. You can always start slow, I don't remember how populated your location is but if you could take very short journeys (that don't require lots of transfers, watching, or walking to stops) to even just go pick up things for your parents that would be a good start. A thing about this is you expand your comfort zone until you can't anymore, then you retreat a bit until you're ready to expand your comfort zone again, rinse repeat, like acclimatising to cold water in the ocean. I took the bus alone late at night the other day in an area I'd never seen before, and I was terrified because I lost my bus card and had no way to get home, and was shaking after I pulled it off. I feel ready again to take the bus for a short day trip to therapy on Tuesday, though, and I'm proud I managed to get home. In retrospect the terror is much less because I made it. Experience, etc.

I don't know that I really 'cope' with depression, but if getting by is coping, here's how I do it, tailored to my specific situation, because everyone's depression is idiosyncratic.

I've been in therapy for years (because I have some pretty bad secondary mental illnesses), I take anti-anxiety meds, I go to school because it adds structure and interest into my day, I listen to music that makes me happy, and I fall apart every time school stops for the year because I don't know what to do with myself, even though there are lots of things I mean to do. I have severe perfectionism problems and my combination of semi-random ideation and poor impulse control would be frightening if I had any serious regard for my life. I have found that having a routine is the most important thing for me and keeps me from indulging unhealthy thought patterns too often. I feel good on days I do something I deem 'constructive'. I have low standards for constructive, maybe? Constructive is basically 'I didn't spend the day staring at the ceiling wallowing in misery'. Maybe I finished a video game, or a lot of a video game, or finished a book, or met a personal goal like 'do my washing up' or 'clean up my desk', or I fucking coloured in, or it's something universally constructive like I finished my essay or computer or whatever. I lower my standards based on what I am capable of and what I need to do. I discovered when I was having severe dual withdrawals in November that I was barely cognitively functional, that I could not do anything I had planned like study or whatever. So I just coloured in a whole lot and cleaned my room and played sudoku (something that doesn't require much thought from me) and that felt like doing something, at least it was something I could look at and say 'I did something to improve my living standards' or 'I felt something [pleasure from the colouring in or sudoku] today'. Because I'm very introverted and have severe social anxiety and dissociative issues that affect my ability to talk to others, I consider maintaining my personal relationships a daily task (which might sound ridiculous to you but that is a standard realistically calibrated to my needs and abilities). So some days coming online and talking to somebody and showing them I care about them might be a goal.

I know I'm severely irritable and have terrible mood problems when I'm depressed, so I try to be both gentler with myself and others. Lashing out just makes me feel worse. I know I'm emotionally repressed, so when things affect me I make an effort to let myself feel them and cry or whatever (before, I couldn't really cry), and try to honestly understand how I think at least once a week. I try to eat regularly without binging or eating a lot of junk food, because I feel sick and gross afterwards but I feel faint and barely existent when I don't eat. I'm very reliant on fruit and water. I developed a deep interest in things like skincare because I felt like shit about myself and because it motivated me to shower (which made me feel a little more human) for my cats or whatever. I know I can be very misanthropic, so I redirect those thought patterns. A lot of what I do is based around 'feeling okay for the day' rather than 'fixing my life' because that's how depression is. Low energy, low motivation, low enjoyment. Little steps. I spend time thinking and working to fix my life too and I go to school and therapy and practise new things with that in my mind, but depression works incrementally. You slide down until you pick yourself up and stop the slide, even if just a little. You can always stop the slide at least. Probably the hugest thing I do is find things to look forward to and do that, because I'm not good at living in the present. Whether it's a planned outing or a book release or -- when I was really bad -- going to the doctor so I'd get outside and break the monotony. That gives me motivation to keep going a little bit and an occasional infusion of positive feelings. I go to therapy every week and I am relentlessly honest about all the things I don't say or think about because I usually find them threatening to my mental wellbeing (more repression), because that is the only way to keep bashing away at the underlying depression.

Depression is chronic, so you have to beat it chronically. The one time since I was ten that I haven't been depressed, it was because I was happy both on a macro and a micro level. I could look at little things in my life and feel genuine satisfaction and appreciation, and I also didn't hate myself. I could live in the present and the near future both and be happy.

Take care of yourself and good luck. I'm glad to hear you can at least admit it even though I'm sad this is back, because one of the easiest psychological methods of hindering your progress when depression recurs it is deny that it could really be back out of fear. I hope you can remember when you were happier than this, because you'll have that to hold onto until you don't have to remember anymore. Sorry for super long post.

 

[Giagantic]

We are in the same boat in terms of Depression, I myself am dealing with severe Depression that is something that runs in my family on both sides. Though I don't consider myself fat, I am certainly not in a physical shape that I would prefer as someone that originally did wrestling and rugby plus worked-out in high school but now no longer since entering university.

At the moment my depression is probably at an all time bad despite being medicated (venaflaxine is my med, and it is a very bitchy medication as if you miss a single dose you will soon feel like you are spinning and experience constant headaches). Honestly, I have never experienced suicidal thoughts but that isn't anyone's fault, everyone experiences depression differently and should be dealt with on an individual basis. My depression as previously mentioned is related to my family but is also comorbid with my others issues that I will not mention but what I can say from experience is that excercise as others have mentioned helps immensely when dealing with depression. I know it is difficult due to being out of shape but even small bit of excercise can go a long way in balancing out the chemical imbalances that are often the reason why depression exists. Honestly, me even talking about Depression especially since I myself am going through it feels somewhat hypocritical but I will end this post by saying that I hope you can get through this period and come to see the world through eyes that aren't experiencing depression. It is a night and day difference between a life shackled by depression and one that isn't, and I hope that you can overcome the depression to see life in all of its vivacity.

Good luck and I hope you get better.

(I didn't write a ton but honestly, I feel similar to Nails, it is very hard for me to talk about my depression especially when you add to the fact that I have GAD *generalized anxiety disorder which was one of the issues I alluded to earlier, so basically it is hard for me to express all of the varied feelings I have in concerns to depression.)