Azn parents

[McGrrr]

If you are not sure what Asian parents are like, click here.

I am graduating on July 16th with a 2.1 (upper 2nd class) BSc honours degree. For the benefit of non-Brits, a 2.1 is roughly B+ (3.5 GPA?). I would have, could have, should have achieved a 1st if not for x, y and z. That is not important. Though I made peace with myself months ago, my parents typically expect nothing less than a 1st class degree.

I have known my result for a week now, but only called my parents tonight. I am not sure what exactly I feared and I did not expect them to throw a fit or anything. I guess I just wanted to delay the feeling of guilt that pervades me now... though she tried, mum could not hide the disappointment in her voice. She seemed genuinely upset, and I feel awful because of all the opportunities and potential that I have squandered.

Rationally, a 2.1 is a good degree, and I am well spoken, confident, naturally intelligent and very employable; but it is difficult to hold on to those thoughts at this moment in time. I suppose the purpose of this thread is to get the above off my chest. Please reply if you can relate.

 

[TheSpinner]

I have asian parents too. Though, not nearly as strict as yours. I think I accepted a long time ago that, in the end, I have to live my life for myself. People naturally look to their parents for encouragement, validity, etc. Either way, I still think that the most important thing is to be happy with yourself. To be honest, I never understood my parents that well (now I feel that I do a bit more). They simply have a different set of values/ideals than me. There's really nothing to do, other then maintain a good relationship with your parents. I doubt they will be that disappointed with your GPA. If you're happy and content, that's what counts. And, in the end, a GPA is rather meaningless relative to success (if you're defining success by society's stereotype). It's even more meaningless relative to how happy you are with your life - which is what matters, no?

 

[Ancien Régime]

Actually a lot of non-Western parents (like mine) are like that, for better or for worse. On the one hand, I appreciate the high standards, on the other hand, I feel grades, etc are ridiculously overrated (hi that other girl gets all As but she's dumb as shit).

They also tend to underestimate how hard it is to make it through school, because they did have it tougher most likely.

I'm aspie so I sort of got a pass there though.

 

[Stathakis]

I'm agreeing with Ancien Regime on this. and I have to say that parents with very high expectations and standards can be a mixed bag. For instance, my parents ran such a tight ship throughout my early childhood that it's almost natural for me to put a very high standard of effort into everything I do, from sports to school to posting on Smogon. my dad used all his money to come from greece and lived through college on scholarships, eventually receiving two ph.d's and graduating in the top of his class, as well as acquiring 18 patents. this means that I have insanely high standards to live up to. While on the one hand it means that school is that much harder for me, it also means that I learn from an early age to put 100% into everything and not just coast through life. to be honest, I feel like the whole "super-strict parents" thing pays off, helping to teach me valuable things about effort.

 

[User 12783]

Actually a lot of non-Western parents (like mine) are like that, for better or for worse. On the one hand, I appreciate the high standards, on the other hand, I feel grades, etc are ridiculously overrated (hi that other girl gets all As but she's dumb as shit).

They also tend to underestimate how hard it is to make it through school, because they did have it tougher most likely.

I'm aspie so I sort of got a pass there though.

So true :( My parents are Asian as well, and they want me to be way smartr than them and expect nothing but As which is difficult to get a lot of times mostly because of the teachers, not you.

 

[tennisace]

So true :( My parents are Asian as well, and they want me to be way smartr than them and expect nothing but As which is difficult to get a lot of times mostly because of the teachers, not you.

Actually, my parents are not like this, but surprisingly aren't Asian. They want me to have an easier life than my immigrant grandparents did, so they push me to get good grades and get into a good school. It all has to do with their culture and upbringing. Also, my uncle is almost as smart as I am, but he screwed off in college, so my grandparents and parents are afraid I'm going to turn into him if I don't work my butt off and get valedictorian, which as it stands right now, would be close to impossible.

 

[Surgo]

Like the Jewish Mother, the Asian Parent can be a bit difficult to fully comprehend without having one or experiencing one first-hand. For the benefit of those who have neither, I'll describe my own admittedly brief experience.

I think it's a bit worse when you do fulfill your parents' expectations. I have a good Chinese friend whose family moved to Rhode Island when he was very young. He probably fulfills the description of child prodigy because he graduated college (with degrees in Biology, Chemistry, and Mathematics -- barely missed Computer Science) when he was fourteen. He would go on to a Ph.D program in Biology, only to drop out because he found that he really hated it. And who can blame him? Look at his age.

His parents never really forgave him for it (and some of the choice father->son words and actions that happened there I would never repeat), even after he later went into a Masters program in Computer Science at Brown. It was at this point in his life that I took a trip up to Providence to visit him in real life for the first time. I ate breakfast at his family's house, and the experience was...enlightening, to say the least. The ridiculous and almost nonstop criticism from his parents over breakfast was ridiculous. I cannot quote anything because it has been approximately five years since the event, but they very clearly wanted to control their son's life. Maybe not every aspect, but a lot of them.

I noted after breakfast that "that was fucking ridiculous" (or something like that -- it's been five years). The controlling nature was one thing, but all the criticisms over breakfast, when a friend and, to them, a stranger, was eating at their table? Unbelievable. In response, he told me that it was fairly common to Chinese families.

Now admittedly this is a single incident, so it should not be taken to be indicative of Asian Parents as a whole. However, I do not hesitate to post it as a description of such due to the fact that my friend said that a lot of Chinese families were like that.

 

[hbdragon88]

Ehhh...I don't know how minority I am, but my Chinese parents haven't come down super hard on me for grades. I graduated high school with a 3.5 GPA, currently holding a 3.69 in college. But likewise, they aren't super enthusiastic or slapping me on the back when I string together some good semesters (first semester senior high school, spring and fall 2007). Whenever they come down on me it's for other reasons (clean up room, get a job, make things organized) unrelated to my academic performance.

I've never qutie tried to seek out why; I'm the third child, with two older sisters. I don't know if were hard on my sisters and then lightened up because they read somewhere that it's not encouraging to be so strict, etc. or whether I get more slack because I'm their only son (as I understand it, they really wanted a son). Or maybe my sisters fulfilled their aspirations, leaving me to be free to perform however I want.

 

[Generik92]

Indians are considered Asians?

 

[Brawley]

Yes they are, also my parents are exactly like those in the video, . I have all honors classes and a Gifted and Talented class, anyways last semester got all A's. except for a one B, and my dad said I'm an idiot, and would be working at Taco Bell. >_>

 

[BARILLIAN]

Perhaps I should be more proud of my parents, huh.

I (or my sister for that matter) was never scorned over intelligence, however, there was a set amount of "effort" they deemed necessary for us to show and they didn't care much about the end results after this was satisfied.

Being the legendary slacker I am (My grades are shitty (3 range) too, nowadays, since I'm still slacking. My maths teacher told me I had the worst handwriting he has seen in 15 years - I am so lazy that I simply write the first three letters and draw zigzags for the rest. I highly doubt anyone in Smogon can suprass me in taking it easy in school-related matters. ) I was scorned even if I got good grades because I was getting them without substantial effort.

My sister's grades were relatively worse than mine (Though still good) but she was never questioned about it because she, unlike me, did study and do her homework (Something I rarely do even now. )

And yes, my parents are asian.

 

[animenagai]

lol these stories are really just commonplace in chinese families. growing up in hong kong, you probably wouldn't think twice about it unless you had lots of western friends (which i did so bite me :D). the chinese argument is that it is always for your own good. chinese ethics aren't about human rights and personal freedom but human responsibilities and doing your part. chinese parents believe that their responsibility is to push their child academically so he/she will succeed later in life, and the child's responsibility is to try as hard. to the chinese, they are not stepping out of line or being unreasonable at all, not even close. they are doing what they think they have to do.

 

[omgthatkid]

I think there's a definite line that you can cross into getting better grades.
I get all A's right now (I'm in High School) and I don't study very much. I think the reason I do so well is because of how I think which translates into me understanding something better and more easily than other people. You did do well, and I congratulate you. But my point is that some people focus too much on "studying" when I think the best way to get the best grades is how you learn rather than how much time you spend on what you learn.

On Topic:
I think I have the opposite situation of you.
My parents are kinda used to me getting very good grades, so it's not so exciting anymore for me to come home with a good report card.
I think I care more about my grades than they do.
My little brother is getting a not so stellar report card (average, ew), and my parents aren't getting on him because I guess they don't care enough. As long as we're doing moderately well, my parents don't care too much about the grades we get.

 

[Surgo]

chinese parents believe that their responsibility is to push their child academically so he/she will succeed later in life

It always seemed to me like they were trying to make up for their own failure at life through their children. But that's patently false because my friend's dad was really successful.

 

[Hipmonlee]

If you want a blatantly unqualified psychological justification, then it makes sense that in a huge country where most people are poor, the chances of being successful are very slim. So if working hard can take you from something like a 1% chance of being successful to a 2% chance that is a huge boost.

But in America the middle class is huge, so your chance of being successful might be like 50% or something. So if working could change that to a 60% chance, that is still nothing like as worthwhile as it is for a Chinese person.

A lot of people from non first world countries are often seen as greedy or obsessed with money by westerners, but that is really because they have to be.

Have a nice day.

 

[omgthatkid]

If you want a blatantly unqualified psychological justification, then it makes sense that in a huge country where most people are poor, the chances of being successful are very slim. So if working hard can take you from something like a 1% chance of being successful to a 2% chance that is a huge boost.

But in America the middle class is huge, so your chance of being successful might be like 50% or something. So if working could change that to a 60% chance, that is still nothing like as worthwhile as it is for a Chinese person.

A lot of people from non first world countries are often seen as greedy or obsessed with money by westerners, but that is really because they have to be.

Have a nice day.

Ahhhh, yes, good point.
But the Middle Class is sadly shrinking in our (American) Society.
That gave us the power before....but now our country is becoming polarized. Now "rich or poor" is more common. =[

 

[Flash_gearz]

My parents aren't quite as bad, but they are like that. I think it is mostly, because they want me to be sucessful in life later. They really got pissed at me for saying that intermediate grades don't count, even if they know it. I went thru 8th grade, and ended up with a 4.0 average on average classes(not GT, but not idiot classes) If I went into GT, I would have gotten something similar to that. But really, what they think more about is appearence, and my work ethic. They really don't trues me(along with half my friends) for no reason. I give absolutly nothing untrust worth to people...unless I'm kidding, which imo is obvious. So they think I'm always getting in truble, and lying, when I joke around with them.

 

[Sovereign]

My parents actually used to be really strict too (azn), but the second I started high school, they just let me do whatever I wanted.

ps: I still graduated ranked inside the 5% though

 

[Elbow Cancer]

I don't know your parents personally, but consider another potential facet of the Asian disappointment (not that I am justifying them pushing that onto you):

In Chinese culture, the eldest son tends to get the good stuff. My grandfather saved up a lot of money for my uncle (his eldest) to immigrate to the US, but then he declined after graduating HS. Those savings fell to my father, the second in line. From there, things changed. My dad seemed more like the eldest, especially to his four younger siblings. When I was born (I am the eldest in my family), I received ridiculous amounts of attention. Throughout my life I could probably do no wrong in their eyes. To keep this part of the story short, on the last day my grandfather was alive in the hospital after a stroke, he managed to communicate that he wanted to see me, not my elder cousin (and not out of spite or anything, it was just one of his last wishes).

It was only then that it occurred to me that I, the grandchild who was the recipient of his inheritance, mattered more because his hopes were placed onto me. There's a strong desire in a lot of Asian parents and grandparents to see their progeny succeed because they believe they're inadequate if the opposite happens. With my remaining set of living grandparents, I've learned they feel that if their children succeed, it all but secures good grandchildren, which is the icing on the cake before they die.

Hipmonlee has the right idea. Take this sort of pride in the family, then magnify it for the immigrant experience: In my family, one side lost everything to the Japanese in WWII, and the other side lost everything to the Communists. The crawl back up is a brutal one, and the families that immigrate are the ones with the willpower and desire to go back to the top. It's not necessarily that Chinese people are all anal about grades... just the ones you see struggle to get out of their personal hellholes.

 

[Peanut-Lover]

This looks like a funny show - I wish we got it here in the states. Unfortunately, we are flooded with idiotic shows.

Though, I already knew - in my school, its almost all Asian and high standard people (like myself) and low-lifes from the boondocks for equal oportunites programs.

I have had to interface with many parents who question why their children cannot take College Level courses until their sophomore year, and even then, they are limited to Bio/Chem (Gateway Program - switch from Bio to Chem so as to facilitate the Genetics and Anatomy/Physiology Courses), and World History. The parents come in asking why integral calculus is not offered freshman year, followed by an insult to the tune of "you sir, as head of the math department are a poor excuse for a chairman - you should push the students to do more in the first weeks of high school. Spine-less idiot!"

I love the mindset, and will be teaching my children statistical analysis and triginometry/unreal numerical theory in the first grade, hopefully.

First I will find wife who supports and fails to interfere - I have two people in mind, one that looks like her in the movie (thats for real, btw).

 

[Aint No Sunshine]

I'm not Asian at all, but my parents were like that. They absolutely freaked when I got a 3.89 GPA my junior year of high school. But I never gave a fuck about grades.

 

[X_Presumptuous]

I live in a city with a very densely packed Asian population. I read somewhere ( probably Wikipedia, haha ) that it's the city with the highest Asian to "everything else" ratio in North America, even over the one in the United States.

So all this stuff is really familiar to me, despite that neither of my parents are actually of the race --- differences between Canto/Mando, Bubble tea, academic expectancies, etc., are all very typical to me.

I remember at a friend's house once, I had watched my friend's mother spout off for about a half hour about how she ( the friend ) had gotten four one hundred per cents in a row on her Mandarin exams except for the fifth, which was a ninety nine.

She was literally frothing at the mouth in fury as she went on about how she was going to talk to the "PRINNN-SI-POH" about it, and that it was "DEH TEE-CHAH"'s fault, rather than her daughter's. "UNNACCEPTABOH!" The whole time I just quietly giggled maniacally to myself as my friend whined, "Why do you have to be so Asian?"

This probably would have been a surprise to me had I not already been exposed to it for most of my life. I think it's a mixed blessing for the Asian kids to grow up surrounded by so many of their own race --- they're less able to slack off because there are so many other kids getting good marks ( where I live, not even a low A is acceptable anymore, it has to be over 90% and you have to be in the International Baccalaureate program my school offers ) and thus more pressure. But it also allows them a way to put up with it --- "Asian failing" is a popular term and they joke about it a lot to make it better for themselves.

But I don't think it's a phenomenon exclusive to Asians parents to want to control and criticize parts of their children's lives. I think it exists in many parents of all ethnicities, but manifests in different ways. For example, the coach dads who go hard on their boys if they don't win the tournament or the crazy theatre moms that are never happy with their kid's monologue.

My mother used to live a very wealthy life until my grandmother died with no will left behind, and so she and the rest of my family are very picky about self-presentation. At the table, I'm watched like a hawk to make sure that I eat like a prince at all times: keep your head up you're not a dog disattach your arm from the table stop making noises with your soup keep your legs together that’s not where the fork goes what are you doing blah blah blah blah. So I really don't think this parental pickiness thing is any way exclusive to Asians; it simply manifests differently based on society and upbringing.

/end superlong post

 

[keloggsequent]

i am asian and so are my parents.

and i admit that i have really bad grades in school but my mom doesn't really seem to mind. but that might be because i rarely talk to her or even show her my grades. i do tell often tell her that i am doing shit in school during the school year though.

i think shes really fucking cool

 

[Bixby]

My parents are not Asian but they do hold me to higher standards. Definitely not as bad as some of you though. I can get B's but if I have a C they are constantly bugging me to bring it up or I will be grounded. Without them though I probably would not be in Honors or I would not work as hard.

 

[Firestorm]

I'm a little lucky in that lately my parents have grown a lot more slack. I don't really even tell them my grades for university as they've just stopped asking really. I do remember in grade 4, when we first started getting letter grades, I got 3 As and was all proud of it. Came home, my mom was basically like "that's it?" and I was pretty crushed =( Grew up a bit and I just go with trying as hard as I want to. Usually I could try better, but as long as I get a grade I believe I deserved, I'm happy. Currently going with a 3.3 GPA (B+) so I'm happy. I'm just trying to stay above 3.0.

X_Presumptuous do you live in Richmond, BC?