Depression

[RaikouLover]

I love you Smogon, for being the only place I can just vent and not feel completely stupid or make a further ass out of myself. But I'm really trying to figure out if I am really depressed, or if my psychologist is just telling me this to get me to take drugs. I hear they diagnose people pre-maturely alot.

But anyway, I have been feeling like complete shit for most of college now... and even showed signs in high school I think. Naturally we have our ups and downs, but nothing that lasts this long. Let me be more specific...

I don't feel sad all the time... in fact I feel happy at times, albeit it only for a few hours at a time. However, for about the past year I have felt a general looming emptiness... like my life has no direction and I'm trapped in this void. I was once a confident person, yet now I have serious self-esteem issues stemming back to this overwhelming feeling of shame. I've been talking to this girl for a few months, and despite how much she tells me she likes me and shit, I retract even though deep down I love her. She tries to hold my hand when were out... and again, something keeps me from letting her do it. I'm in the best physical shape of my life... I run 3 times a week for at least 3 miles, and play basketball and lift weights on 2 more days out of the week. After I do it, I feel a brief sense of happiness, but it wears off very quickly so I think its really just endorphins and not me.

But to the more important things... school and family. My parents just got divorced four months ago after living with me (I am the only) happily for 19 years. My GPA has dropped from a 3.25 last year in engineering to a 2.8. Yes, it is supposed to get harder, but I went from getting all As and Bs for a whole year to straight Cs and Ds in one sudden semester. The work load has gotten a little harder, but not to the point where I just can't manage it anymore which is what happened. I have no out on weekends, I just study more... which burns me out and makes the semester seem like a 15 week long single week, rather than 15 straight weeks. So when I'm burnt out I have trouble concentrating both inside and outside the classroom to the point where sometimes I miss a class. We all miss classes, but after I miss one, the shame and embarrassment of missing that first class makes me miss subsequent classes to the point where I may end up going for a week, then skipping for two. I mean people shouldn't care right? But I can't help but think that everyone doesn't look at me when I am one of 3 black people in a lecture hall of 60. Its gotten to the point where I am so far behind in my work, that my psychologist has recommended that I completely withdraw from the semester on a medical leave (which would not affect my financial aide status or GPA). However, in my curriculum doing so would mean I would probably have to stay an extra year, or at least an extra semester because of how semester-sensitive engineering course offerings are. Then I have to live with the embarrassment of not graduating with all of my classmates and getting over the fact that I feel like I've failed.

Then, its 70 degrees out and not a cloud in the sky and everyone is out on the green on campus sitting outside sunbathing and playing football and frisbe. So I've been taking long walks the past few days to try to soak in the nice weather hoping it would affect my mood and it doesn't. For some reason watching everyone having fun and seeing couples together just makes me feel worse about myself.

I guess the main point is that... there are so many things in my life that make me feel like shit that it makes me feel like a walking pity pot.. which because of my personality and the way I was raised just makes me want to hate myself even more because I hate people who mope and bitch all the time about how bad life is. My psychologist says that this is a reoccuring depressive cycle in which males get upset for feeling like shit.. which makes them feel like shit, which makes them upset again. And to top it all off, things that I used to be able to do for fun like Pokemon, soccer, and other things, just don't give me the same pleasure and fun that they used to. Almost to the point where I feel like nothing can bring me out of this funk..

 

[Morm]

I'm kind of in a similar mode myself. I've done things to mitigate it; I thought to myself about the things in life that I really am unhappy with and targetted two of those for a short term move (as in less than 1 month to change it) and one of them for a longerish term.

Also, go get yourself laid if you have someone you can do that with. The endorphins will help.

 

[Staraptor Call]

That does sound like clinical depression, RL. I'm no expert, but I would say that the pills are the best option.

 

[panamaxis]

I probably won't be of much help, but getting with this girl might help your general mood a lot.

 

[LoveDensity]

I probably won't be of much help, but getting with this girl might help your general mood a lot.

I deal with problems like family, too in addition to friends and other unsatisfactions. I agree that getting with the girl will help. Not only will it be nice just to be with a girl, but its very nice to talk with your significant one. In general, talking helps a lot.

 

[Hipmonlee]

Is this the most inappropriate advertising ever?

Anyway, I remember from my experience of depression, the thing that sorta helped me the most was a story an old dude who played in an orchestra told me about his own wife, who struggled with depression for a long time. Anyway, apparently when she decided to accept that depression was part of her nature, and she would remain depressed for the rest of her life, was when she finally managed to get past the problem.

Yeah, it sorta made me realise what your doctor was saying. I was upset because of some deaths of people close to me, and I didnt like feeling that way. When I couldnt stop those feelings, I sorta panicked at the idea I would feel that way forever, and it was that panic that sorta created a cycle of unhappiness. When I decided to not worry about the fact that I'd feel this way long term, the feelings actually disappeared entirely.

But you know, I dont pretend to know what you are going through or to be a psychological expert, so I dunno if this advice will be any help. It is just what helped me.

If you think your studies are being adversely affected by this then perhaps you should take some time off. Just make sure you dont just sit on the internet all day when you do..

Have a nice day.

 

[Koala929]

I didn't read the whole text, but considering from you're position you just have that general depression.

Depression can come in diffrent levels [or for the sake of my deceny, I'll refer to them as severities]. The more severe the more trouble[d].

You may want to look at your family history, as depression can be genetic.

Some of us Smogoner's here have it too, I have it.

Just try to focus on the good things. That's what I try to do. I also do stuff to take my mind off of it.

 

[jumpluff]

That does sound like clinical depression, RL. I'm no expert, but I would say that the pills are the best option.

I disagree, although there will always be controversy over this. I'm in both the 'pills are not a quick fix in almost all cases' and 'I have only ever had terrible experiences with pills' camps. I've been taking Prozac and friends for years, kind of low dose (40mg but I'm fifteen and kind of conservative doctor), but I suffered pretty bad side effects as far as mood and nausea went until I adjusted after weeks, and I find they at best just take the edge off the anxiety. After I adjusted from my dose being doubled last time from 20->40, I found that helped for awhile, but in the end it began to wear off. Recently it was considered raising my dose to 80 and/or institutionalising me because I have become extremely unstable. RL, I hope you don't end up like this, but I am confident (and also hope that) you will pull out of this. All I can be is depressing as I have been depressed ever since I was nine years old and have had anxiety problems for ages. (By the way, every person in my house is diagnosed with at least one mental illness and is on a prescription. My father in particular has taken an entire pantheon of pills and they either completely zombify him [no matter how you adjust the dose] or make him quite aggressive.)

Pills will not fix your self-esteem issues. Working on your confidence will, because I am pretty sure from what you're saying that this stems from some kind of ingrained inferiority complex, and all pills can do is support you while you fix the problems in your life. As for taking medical leave for a semester? There is nothing at all strange or shameful about that. It is not failure to defer your studies because you have met an obstacle. And that's all you ever have to say to anyone. There are plenty of reasons someone could take medical leave for a semester, and that might end up being the best option (staying at home is boring as fuck and can be worse though, trust me, I have been isolated from people for years now, and one year I probably left the house like five times due to homeschooling and overly protective parents). Doing something with yourself might distract you though, if you can constantly engage yourself and bring yourself, no matter how hard it might seem.. If you take a medical leave imo go do something else that keeps you out, as it is the best environment for someone depressed (you don't have to be like majorly busy or anything, that's just stressful.) And this girl, if you love each other, use her support. Don't become dependent or anything, but if she cares about you, she should be there for you, and if you intend on having her as a major part of your life, you can't hide from her. Make her aware of why you're distant and that you need her support and assistance while you work out your direction and problems with yourself.

 

[foibles]

I didn't read the whole text, but considering from you're position you just have that general depression.

Depression can come in diffrent levels [or for the sake of my deceny, I'll refer to them as severities]. The more severe the more trouble[d].

You may want to look at your family history, as depression can be genetic.

Some of us Smogoner's here have it too, I have it.

Just try to focus on the good things. That's what I try to do. I also do stuff to take my mind off of it.

or just focus on koala's avatar.

like hip, I don't claim to be an expert on depression, but in my personal experience, socializing a lot always makes me feel better.

 

[y2zipper]

I can't speculate on whether or not your clinically depressed because I'm not qualified to do so. I'm more in the pill's don't work camp.

I think a lot of your issues are caused by one root issue: you just need a break. Getting burned out on school and doing too much work aren't healthy for you. In fact, the same thing happened to me in high school: I took a weekend job and it just made life suck. You always need some kind of escape. I'd suggest picking up a hobby, ideally one that will put you in social situations, like a fraternity or something along those lines. Taking a day a week off or taking some time to get out of your house and go to school will go a long way towards making it not as brutal. Everybody takes breaks, and most people take breaks more than they work, so it's nothing to be ashamed of.

As far as your social issues go, the only way you get rid of them is by putting yourself in situations where you have to overcome whatever issues you may have. If you're not that confident, try getting a job or doing an activity that requires you to talk to people. This will be uncomfortable for you at first, but it can help you become a better person. I used to not be a confident person, but I started doing martial arts, and eventually started teaching. It required me to talk to people, present in front of a group, and has really helped me with a lot of my issues.

 

[THE_IRON_...KENYAN?]

I have clinical depression and the pills worked for me.


I personally take Zolof along with a lot of my other family members.

 

[Scofield]

Well, I'll only be addressing the school issues, since everyone else has the psych stuff covered. I'm in engineering. Engineering is hard. 2.8 isn't bad if you can maintain it (I think 2.6 is a bare minimum for most jobs, 3,0 and you're golden). I'm graduating in 2 months and I have 2.8, and I'm not excessively stressed about it. It does get harder, and you should be able to get some consistency with your studies eventually. You have to remember not to get burnt out. To avoid this, I take occassional vacations and go visit my family on the weekends maybe once a month. Every weekend I take at least one day off. When you're doing nothing but studying, it does nothing but make you depressed. You just gotta learn to have a little fun sometimes or you're not going to be properly motivated to do the work.

As for being one of only 3 black people in your classes, that shouldn't be that big of a deal. I think there's only 1 or 2 black people in any of my engineering classes, but honestly, I don't think that is anything you should be intimidated by, or even worried about.

As for missing classes, it can be a slippery slope. One semester I started missing class and before you know it, I was consistently sleeping in. However, when you make an effort to go, and it becomes a habit, it becomes harder to miss class. Just don't miss class. Just go and everything else should work itself out from there.

Ugh, I don't feel like I was able to properly convey everything I meant and had to say, but this is the best I can do at the moment, I'll probably post again though.

 

[Thorns]

I cannot relate in any way, because I am a cheerful teenager on a permanent sugar high, but after reading jumpluff's post I can agree on just saying 'fuck you' to regular life and go do something. Depression (or stuff like it) can be caused by an 'emptiness', which can be filled by something awesome like surfing or swimming with dolphins (I'm writing this in front of the TV and the ads are getting to me)! Or, since Americans don't have dolphins, you could go to an amusement park?
Seeing that girl more sounds like a good idea too.

good luck man

 

[Rody]

I don't know such thing as depression
I only know stress ;_;

 

[Altmer]

As with everything: meds help for some people, for others they don't. Most important is seeing someone and trying to find out the root cause of your problems and work with that. Don't just think pills are a magic trick. Not saying they can't work; just saying you need to watch what you're doing and be honest with yourself. If I were you, I wouldn't directly hit up a shrink, you can always do that later if it's necessary, the first thing I would do is talk to a counsellor or psychologist and go from there. Your campus probably has those available for everyone. Go there, see if they work for you, if not find a different counsellor.

As for me, I've never suffered from depression as much as just from no self-esteem and no motivation. The thing that I use to get through every day is to make me realise I have skills and I can use them to become someone. It's not about taking sick leave because if you're really sick taking leave is always justified. Just make sure you use the time off to combat the problems you have. That's all man.

Cheers.

 

[akuchi]

As with everything: meds help for some people, for others they don't. Most important is seeing someone and trying to find out the root cause of your problems and work with that. Don't just think pills are a magic trick. Not saying they can't work; just saying you need to watch what you're doing and be honest with yourself. If I were you, I wouldn't directly hit up a shrink, you can always do that later if it's necessary, the first thing I would do is talk to a counsellor or psychologist and go from there. Your campus probably has those available for everyone. Go there, see if they work for you, if not find a different counsellor.

As for me, I've never suffered from depression as much as just from no self-esteem and no motivation. The thing that I use to get through every day is to make me realise I have skills and I can use them to become someone. It's not about taking sick leave because if you're really sick taking leave is always justified. Just make sure you use the time off to combat the problems you have. That's all man.

Cheers.

There's not really anything I can say that Altmer didn't already.
The tricky thing about pills is they're only really worth it if you need them (assuming you're unlucky and get some of the more irritating side effects - I can only speak from personal experience. I'm hypersensitive to serotonergic medication, so as most meds have that I tend to spaz out a bit on them and puke a lot - not worth it personally unless I really can't get out of bed in the morning).

Personally, I'd take the time off. Not graduating with your friends sucks. I'm now two years behind my year group - most of them will be in their final year of university by the time I start (this september). But you've got to think long term, really long term - finishing school this year ain't going to help shit if you didn't do as well as you could because of head issues, and it's certainly not going to get you anywhere if you have a mental breakdown as a result.

 

[evan]

As someone who has gone through a very, very similar situation, I have to recommend you take your therapist's advice and take the medical leave if your grades start dropping. Trust me, taking medical leave and leaving your GPA fairly intact is so much better than being told by your school that they don't want you anymore. That will only make things worse. Don't worry about not graduating with your friends or the stigma associated with missing a year.

I can't give any advice on pills, i don't trust them myself, but definitely don't let it hurt your GPA too badly or you'll find it even harder to get back into school.

 

[CaptKirby]

I love you Smogon, for being the only place I can just vent

This is what livejournals, xangas, facebooks, myspace, et cetera are for, at least to me.

 

[RaikouLover]

Thanks for all the responses guys. I'm meeting my school psychiatrist again tomorrow, and I will be packed up and ready to leave by Thursday. The thing is, my father doesn't know anything since we have elected not to tell him for right now, so I don't know how I will do that.

As for the situation with the girl... as much as I like her, her feelings are not reciprocated towards me. She only likes me as a friend despite the way that she acts. For example, she doesn't go to my school anymore, but she lives in Philadelphia, which is only an hour train ride, but she comes down several times a month usually on the weekend to visit everyone. Shes been here since Thursday, and I've only seen her that one time for a whole five minutes. She said "I will make sure your okay Erik I promise" and said that we would go out to dinner and stuff but I haven't heard from her in about 36 hours. Not even a text to see how I'm doing...

 

[Xia]

Take the advice of a former/current depression victim. Pills are, like stated above sometyhing that works for some but not all. I didn't react well to the pills (I'm only 17, so suicide was a constant thought with them), so I was taken off of them very quickly. The thing that really kept me from going off the deep end was reaching deep down and finding something that I could obsess over when the moods got really bad. That, and I got more religious than I had ever been.

I'm not telling you to go join a church or find a habit that you can't break (drugs, cutting, and punching yourself are all things I tried, trust me they don't work), just find what takes your mind off of things and do them.

The emptiness for me really went away when I started gearing my life towards good grades. It was a healthy habit former and provided me with a positive response.

And frankly, bringing a girl into your life right now might be a little risky. When I tried that, I ended up repulsing her from me, becasue she couldn't understand the reason why everything in my life just seemed like it didn't fit right. We ultimately ended up breaking up, and that only drove me deeper into the unhealthy outlets that I was using as coping mechanisms (ie. the cutting, drugs, and self-abuse).

Really, just look for the cause of the depression, and come to terms with the fact that it can't be changed. Don't try to hide your moods from the people you love, and if you have to release your anger/sadness/whatever, make sure you can't regret what you do later.

 

[NightFalcon]

Alright time to help straighten this out if possible. I will say that I have gone through serious depression before and I know what you're going through. My parents are also divorced and I have been depressed since 7th grade- I am now a Junior in High School and although I can be happy at times but more than anything I am still just depressed.

I really would say try to do new activities or things alone those lines. Usually if you live the same boring life cycle as

WAKE UP: School
After School: Play Basketball/work out for an hour, go home do homework. Maybe use internet or watch some TV and then go to sleep.

Although this may not be your exact schedule, commonly it can follow along these lines. The unhappiness stems from feeling like your life is just the same thing over and over again, and the best way to really fix that is to make new goals for yourself and try new things in life. Aim for goals like say getting a girlfriend. Start talking to that girl more and really show interest, try to get connected with her more, let her know that you are there and that now you do want something more. Maybe talk to some of those people that you see are out in the field during that 70 degree weather and the people that play frisbee. Make new friends, maybe play frisbee with them, or go out to eat with them at places. Be a lot more social than you are right now because if you aren't social this just leads to a complete downward spiral. Make it a point to visit both your Mom and your Dad and talk with them a lot. If they talk about the divorce don't take sides neccesarily but just sit there and listen to both their sides of the story.

As for school I know what it's like to try and get motivated. It can be very hard as it has been for me for the past 5 years or so because ever since 7th grade(when the depression really sunk in) I have mainly gotten nothing but F's. Get up every morning and try to smile as much as possible even if you feel like you have nothing to do it for. If nothing else smile because you are still alive, that you are going to college, that you are TRYING to do SOMETHING with your life. Try to go everyday because if you do then it becomes a habit- and a good one at that.

I have so much more to say. I really need to re-edit this later.

 

[VaderPhish]

I think that you need to find something to fill the emptiness in your life. Pills may work but they may not work. In many cases it can make your situation worse.

For me, I have struggled with depression for much of my life. Whether I was worried about death or contemplating suicide, I was in a wreak. My feelings have been more due to shame and guilt than anything else. Usually I did not even do anything bad.

Anyway, I think that the medical leave is a good decision. I think you have to tell your father that in the end, it will be better to have a good/decent G.P.A and be behind your friends than to not. Of course, I understand that it will be harder in theory to actually tell him that.

 

[Darkvirus]

few things to say im in exactly the same boat (well close) my parents split up about 5 years go (im now 19) which if im honest I saw coming and it effecting me to a level but eventually I became fed up of the same life so stopped studying in school started staying in just about every night being very unsocial in the real world and this continued till about 2 years ago when I was 17 I had finished school and was moving onto 6th form (A-levels for those Americans who don’t understand) I quit after about 3 months of that because I couldn’t take it any longer same people same school same crappy life I wanted to get out of. I just kept feeling worse and worse not to mention I was getting fatter and fatter which was not helping me at all with a lot of people I knew taking the piss constantly, eventually me my mum and her new husband(who I got on with so he isn’t a factor in any of this) moved house form where I grew up about 3 miles away as she needed to downsize and couldn’t afford to keep the one we had which I was ok with as was closer to the city for going out ect if I ever did not that I had any real friends left or that’s what it felt like as I grew apart form my best friend I grew up with as he started to get into drugs a bit. meaning I was feeling even more alone and eventually my mum kicked me out after many arguments, so was forced to move from one side of England to the other into a place I hated there was just nothing there after about 6 months of doing nothing I managed to get onto a college course ( which this year I would regret greatly) and got a shitty job working in the worse place possible (McDonalds -_-) at college there was 2 people I talked to in my group and one eventually quit after 6 months or so meaning I had one person left to talk to who to be honest was a idiot but eventually made friends with 2 others from the other group doing the same course who I almost never saw outside college due to it being hard to as I lived about 10 miles outside Bristol and they both lived the other side so was hard doing some of that time I started doing martial arts again ( tae kwan do) and made 2 friends form that I would see once every 2 months if I was lucky outside of training so still no social life I was still in a boring cycle of college and get home and go on pc or work and then get home and go on pc. So next college year comes around and I start level 2 of my course out of 3 so im thinking ok this year should actually make me think ( last year was on level one due to getting a E in English GCSE meaning I was in the "dumb" group so both groups form last year was put into one for this year BAD IDEA me and my 2 friends in that group where always the target of everyone else to try piss off for no reason and our tutor was a complete dick the kind of guy you just want to slap constantly until get gets some common sense so eventually got moved group with my friends ( one kind of snuck in which was kind of funny) so yah start to get on with other in the group obviously there are some dicks in there as always so instead of targeting me personally they target my motorbike and completely fuck it up only Friday I got it fixed (it was unrideable for about 1 month which cost a fair bit in bus fair and lifts with my dad) during this time I had lost my job at McDonalds as my manage was fed up with my "attitude" so I said
"How’s this for attitude" and walked out never to return even though I was one of the hardest workers in there as most of the others just messed about non stop I was the one to leave but after about 4 months or so I managed to find a new Saturday job working in a shop which is nice and easy. This whole time I was always thinking I want to go back home to Norwich I don’t like it here at all im too far away from everything to do anything which wasn’t good as it still kept me in the who go to college go home on pc go to work go home on pc life that I had until recently when I seam to have changed a fair bit about 1 month ago I had my dads house to myself for a week as he and his partner had gone on holiday for a week and I LOVED IT the freedom it gave me to do whatever I had to rely on myself for that week and it felt good so now in one months time I moving back with my mum in Norwich for a maximum of 2 months tog et a job and get my own place which will be my escape from my boring repetitive life of nothingness. What you need to do is find your escape and hopefully you will start to enjoy life again as I am hoping this will do it for me (allot more went on due to girls ect but that make this post even longer and I cant be bothered as its going to be bad enough due to all spelling and grammar already)

 

[ultimifier]

i would suggest going to a doctor and getting some pills. From here there are two scenarios

1. if they work, then you have a way to get rid of your depression as all depression is is a chemical imbalance in the brain. The pills counter-act that imbalance and revert you to your "normal" self. If you like them, keep using them and they will most likely increase your grades, confidence, etc.

2. If they dont work and you still don't feel better, stop taking them. Try different things. Try doing activities that work the mind. PLaying chess, doing sudokus, etc. are fun and also give a feeling of self appreciation, at least for people like me.

all in all, i know plenty of people who have clinical depression and some who even have bipolar disorder, and its impossible to tell because pills actually help a LOT

 

[Ultimasamune]

Just wondering, do you have anxiety issues as well, as that combination usually indicates some latent genetic issue.