There is such thing, if you continuously become friends with people you want rather than asking them out. Friendship very rarely transforms into romantic feelings, and dependence never does. Stop it.
I wouldn't necessarily think it's being "macho". I think it's simply one too many times that a girl says "I'd rather be friends." If that means that she'd rather stay friends or if she's just looking for an excuse to say no, the end result is the same: Friend Zone Paranoia.
Every meaningful relationship I've had has come out of a good friendship, including the one I am in currently (3 yrs). I know a lot of people who give "advice" like this, and most of them don't do too well themselves, or are unnecessarily macho about everything in life.
Yeah, I think the friend zone is an illusion created by two things, depending on the person:I wouldn't necessarily think it's being "macho". I think it's simply one too many times that a girl says "I'd rather be friends." If that means that she'd rather stay friends or if she's just looking for an excuse to say no, the end result is the same: Friend Zone Paranoia.
You don't know that for sure. I've had friends that I'd consider closer to sisters than potential girlfriend and I wouldn't date them because it would change the dynamic too much. I fully agree with the rest, but the bolded part isn't always true.Yeah, I think the friend zone is an illusion created by two things, depending on the person:
a) An excuse to not ask out people they're friends with, because they fear rejection or whatever.
b) More commonly, getting turned down by friends and then assuming it's because they're friends that they said no. Protip: They said no because they weren't interested in you, not because they were your friend.
That's still not you turning them down because they're your friend, at least how I'm reading it. You're not interested in them in a romantic fashion; so you wouldn't date them.You don't know that for sure. I've had friends that I'd consider closer to sisters than potential girlfriend and I wouldn't date them because it would change the dynamic too much. I fully agree with the rest, but the bolded part isn't always true.
I think you would be right to say no if she was to ask you to the next dance, but I doubt it will happen; she probably feels similar to you.Oof, strange topic. Well seeing as it was only a little while ago since my first/only. Its a pretty weird story, I was a Fresh. (HS) and she was a Soph., and it just happened that we both needed Homecoming dates. I had seen her before in my german class, at first I thought she looked kinda weird (truth be told she looked like she could be related to me...) and come October this other girl who talked to us both convinced me to ask her to the dance and, of course, me being the most socially awkward person you don't know, I asked her in front of a bunch of her friends. It was more of a mumble as I'm not really that outspoken. About two weeks after that I asked her out, still not really knowing what kind of person she was, nor did she know me. I was the definition of a lame and boring boyfriend, not having a clue on what this stuff was all about, so I only really talked to her at school or online (not once on the phone).
So that continued to about the end of the summer, and there we were, back to school. I had decided to be more proactive, but it was like every time I asked if she wanted to go somewhere, she had plans already. About three weeks before she ended it, I knew it was coming, not only did things seem different, but sooner or later it was gonna have to break off (she was a year older than me...). She started talking to me less and less, and would ignore my messages online, which was torture because my mind will just take those things and play them up to no end. At that point we stopped hugging, but it never was really a physical relationship. I just can't bring myself to initiate contact, I wouldn't be able to live with myself should I ever disrespect a girl, honestly that scares the sh*t out of me. So one day in november at school, we were in the same free period, she just said it wasn't gonna work, that she didn't want my high school experience to be crazy and the sorts of stuff. Now thoughtful sure, but I can usually tell when someone is lying to me, just one of many things I never told her (I tend to keep things to myself).
I don't really talk to her now, she still tries to talk to me every now and then. There is another dance coming up where the girls ask the guys, and, me being bored thought up the idea that she might ask me. At this point I'm not sure what I would say (let alone if she even does), but its leaning to a no. It was a fun year, and I wouldn't take it back if I had the chance, I definitely learned from it. I still tend to keep to my own, and just try to be nice whenever I can. Where I go from here, who knows, now that I think about it, I am only a Soph.. I'm not gonna complain though, I've got the academics down, and I have the goal that I'm going to do what ever I want to do after High School. I am a lucky bastard too, as I put the least amount of effort possible yet this stuff (math and science) still comes easy to me.
Well, thats my story, sorry for the read I guess, I tried to refrain from typing to much (story of my life...). I liked getting this all out though. ;)
Okay, so I don't want to sound overly harsh, here, but there are a few things I want to note here.*applauds above poster*
That is a touching story. I would befriend you if we went to school together, but that's because i try to be either everyone's friend or everyone else's enemy.
So since i better stay on topic:
My one and only Relationship is still ongoing. I am Currently a senior in high school, and so is she, but she is 8 months older than I am. but that is just a detail. how we met is the interesting part... *ripple to past for flashback*
8th Grade, I knew everyone, but no one liked me. so i decided to build a friendship with someone who had a similar mindset to mine. at the time, my current hobbie was Yu-Gi-Oh. so I found people who played, and talked to them. one person in particular introduced me to another, and i started hanging out with him, sitting next to him to talk at lunch and whatnot. one day, we moved tables, to sit next to more of our friends, and one of the girls at the table was Crying. so we spent the lunch Consoling her for her recent breakup. by the end of that lunch period, I was in love, but afraid to say something, for the same reasons that Krank above me was. so i put it behind me.
*move forward to Homecoming. Freshman year*
I'm alone, but i figured i'd go to the dance and see if i can't just talk to my friends. Turns out that she had gone for the same reason. so I talked to her and her friend the whole night. her friend and i had exchange AIM names, and through her i got a hold of the girl of my dreams. I started talking to her, and found out that her mom had some stupid rule about not dating until a certain age or w/e, but we decided to try it out anyway. this was one week after homecoming, September 29, 2006. and we are still happily together, both still virgins (I don't want to be the one to spoil someone's innocence) and I plan on proposing to her once i get the money, and the time in my schedule, but seeing as how I am the current President/founder of our schools gamer club, and I'm in the top Choir in the school, I don't see that happening for a long time. But i do love her.
pretty good? holy understatement batman ;)my current relationship is pretty good and it's the only one that's lasted over two months
Are you my long-lost twin or something? Because this is basically me.My problem is that I'm both shy (afraid of rejection), romantic (highly idealistic when it comes to love) and have extraordinarily high expectations (I don't see the point of courtship that doesn't have a long-term stable relationship as the end-point). There are times when I smother my girlfriend with love, and she's very loving and devoted to me. But it's just me, my default response to "girl I like" is "cuddle her and shower with kisses and walk hand-in-hand everywhere" than "take her to a movie and see what develops".
Not in the kind of relationship I would be seeking if I were seeking one.Just remember; it's not a bad thing to want/enjoy sex or to be physically attracted to someone. Indeed, it is an essential part of any healthy relationship (though not the only essential part).
Then you're not seeking the right relationship; physical attraction is as essential as emotional attraction, even if you don't plan to have sex.Not in the kind of relationship I would be seeking if I were seeking one.
Looking back on that, It isn't really how I intended it to come off. Its not really that I'm scared, its more of a shy/nervous/excited wreck when I think about it/ go in for 'the kill'. On a side note, however, I thought she was very attractive, though very awkward-looking when playing sports. ;)I think you would be right to say no if she was to ask you to the next dance, but I doubt it will happen; she probably feels similar to you.
The paranoid worry about disrespecting a girl is something I think is very common with nerdy boys, and at it's worst it can make guys feel guilty about being sexually attracted to someone, and so they only pursue girls (or guys) they're not attracted to, which usually creates a series of short-lived disfunctional relationships.
Call me cynical, but I don't think seeing the second guy again is going to fix anything. He clearly has a bunch of personality issues, and while things might go well at first, it is likely that he will eventually lapse back into similar attitudes and behaviours. The reason he came back is probably not from any care for you, but simply loneliness and a lack of anyone caring for him.Let's see....
I've had some of the awkwardest, most unusual relationships with the three guys I've ever "dated."
I never really count the first one as a boyfriend. We were both in sixth grade and mutually "liked" the other. There was no kissing involved (we were what, eleven?), but lots of hugging and just talking to one another. He was actually the person that got me into competitive Pokemon. That particular relationship ended when I found out that he spends six months of the year in Florida with his other parent, almost 2000 miles away from here.
I stayed single for a long time after that, and understandably so. I was always the weird, quiet kid before I joined my school's marching band. Even once I joined and came out of my shell so-to-speak, I was too much of a wallflower to interest guys much. Then, my ninth grade year, one of the new members started following me around and being ridiculously nice to me....this being significant because he was "the annoying, jackass, loner new-kid with no friends." About a month later during the annual trip the the local amusement park for a parade, he tagged along all day with my riding group. When it came to the ride that we were paired up on, a roller coaster no less, he put his arm around me for the whole ride....and sure enough screamed louder than I did. That was the beginning of a year-long relationship. To this day, he's the person I've "gone the farthest" with-- first kiss, first make-out, and a few other firsts. We stopped just short of actually having sex, mainly because we were fourteen at the time and we felt sort of awkward.
That relationship went great for the first ten months, but towards the end of the tenth month, he started smoking and went into a really, really bad depression. He started picking fights whenever he could and ignoring me completely some days. I was reluctant to give up on him because of a loyalty problem I have, but eventually one night he swore at me and said I was bitch for caring about his safety. Well...I was reduced to tears. I ended up breaking up with him a few days later, the day before his birthday. And even then, I was the only person that year to even say happy birthday. Shortly after that incident, he quit the band and basically fell off the face of the earth.
That one hurt, a lot. I spent a long time trying to recover from that mess. During this recovery, another younger band member started coming to me for advice and whatnot, since I had been friends with him for a long time beforehand. One thing led to another, and I dated him for about a week. It was short lived because I found out during that week that he was really a horny pig and was manipulating my hurt over my previous boyfriend to get me to do what he wanted. Honestly, I haven't talked to him since then. That whole mess taught me that relationships can seriously fuck up friendships.
Recently, however, the second boyfriend has started talking to me again. For one reason or another. He's apologized for the falling out, and even started wearing the dogtag I bought him for christmas during our relationship again. To be honest, I've even kissed him a few times since the communication began. I can't foresee this ending well, though....what does Smogon think?
And that's where I stand right now. ._.
tl;dr version- My relationships have ended shittily, but the best and most traumatic of those seems to be coming back up.
Call me cynical, but I don't think seeing the second guy again is going to fix anything. He clearly has a bunch of personality issues, and while things might go well at first, it is likely that he will eventually lapse back into similar attitudes and behaviours. The reason he came back is probably not from any care for you, but simply loneliness and a lack of anyone caring for him.
I pretty much agree with this, but I'd like to add that you probably could be a friend to him. That seems to be what he needs at the time... You can try to be friends with him without reinstating a relationship.Revisiting old flames rarely ends with happiness. I would cut off contact as best you can and try not to give him any ideas of getting back together.
This baffles me. You're saying that a non-physical relationship is not the right kind of relationship, but why?Then you're not seeking the right relationship; physical attraction is as essential as emotional attraction, even if you don't plan to have sex.
Oh, I was just as cynical. I honestly felt as thought I couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.....and given that he's roughly twice my weight and a full foot taller now, that is not very far. But as the communication went on, he started to tell me stuff that made a hell of a lot of sense regarding his personality issues; having one parent that really doesn't give a damn he's alive, abusive siblings, life-long health problems....I felt horrible.Call me cynical, but I don't think seeing the second guy again is going to fix anything. He clearly has a bunch of personality issues, and while things might go well at first, it is likely that he will eventually lapse back into similar attitudes and behaviours. The reason he came back is probably not from any care for you, but simply loneliness and a lack of anyone caring for him.
Revisiting old flames rarely ends with happiness. I would cut off contact as best you can and try not to give him any ideas of getting back together.
And so....that's exactly what I'm trying to do. ._.; I guess time will tell.I pretty much agree with this, but I'd like to add that you probably could be a friend to him. That seems to be what he needs at the time... You can try to be friends with him without reinstating a relationship.
Haha, band geeks rule. ;)Don't settle for less than what you deserve, though. I can relate to you being shy... I was quite the quiet person in high school until my junior year. I was even a band geek for 5 years, lol. It can be easy to say yes to the first guy that comes along and pays attention to you… just lemme say that its so much better to wait until you actually find a guy that you are truly interested in. It can be hard to let the old BF go- and I made that mistake just earlier this year by somewhat getting back together with him, and I don’t plan on making the same mistake again. It does you no good to beat a dead horse (haha).