Serious My mom is antisocial and doesn't have any friends

[Nix_Hex]

This is going to be one of my longer posts on this forum, and I trust this community enough to confide in you feelings that are very personal. Thanks ahead of time for reading through this.

My mom used to have a ton of friends, and a social life. Her best friend, Georgia, lived a couple miles from us, and our two families did everything together. My sister was best friends with her daughters, and her husband had a lot in common with my dad, and they all loved me [I was the baby of everyone] so I have a ton of fond memories spanning almost all of my childhood into my teens of this family. In the early 2000s, both my mom and Georgia got divorces, and stood side by side, always there for each other. Still, my mom sunk into depression; but then in 2004, she met a guy who was mutual friends with her co-workers, and he was the perfect match for her. Someone from the midwest, a lot more conservative than my dad, and an overall nice guy. They married in 2005, and my sister got married a few months later. Georgia attended both weddings, so it seemed like they were solid friends.

A few years passed by and I started thinking "man, I haven't seen Georgia in a long time" so I asked my sister what was up because my mom isn't truthful to me with her feelings (unless she's getting on my case of not living up to everyone's expectations, turning down a job designing radars for navy submarines). According to my mother, at my stepdad's birthday party, Georgia had flirted with him. Knowing that my mom always assumes the worst possibility of any situation, both my sister and I knew that she was delusional and was ultimately full of shit. Alas, they became estranged, and haven't met up yet despite several attempts on Georgia's part to get together and hash out whatever the hell is going on. A lady who was like a second mom to me and fierce friends with my mom for almost two decades suddenly disappeared from my life.

After that time, my stepdad revealed his true self. He's not abusive, in fact he loves my mom deeply. The thing is, despite being an overall good guy, treating my mom like a queen and providing for her, he has his faults like all of us. He is a not-so-closet racist, making backhanded remarks about people's ethnicity. He is extremely conservative and watches Faux News for hours a day. My mom has become very antisocial, and has gone from having open-minded, moderate political views and being very welcoming to people of all races and religions, to a person with a ton of prejudices that seem very unnatural for the woman who raised me (sometimes I wonder if she really harbors these feelings or if she is putting on a show for my stepdad). This is a lady who once welcomed a very nice young Indian man at the university where she works, who she had only known for a few days, into our home for a family meal. She is a very good cook, and made authentic Indian food for the occasion. My sister and I had never met any Indian people before, both attending small private schools with mostly white people (and a few first generation Mexicans), and we would have never met an Indian person during our childhoods. That hospitality and tolerance has disappeared.

Over time, she has isolated herself from all of her previous friends; her only friends are the couple who introduced her to my stepdad, another co-worker and his wife, and high school friends who live 1800 miles away. I miss the days when my mom had friends, was open minded, and wasn't glued to Fox News or crying on the floor (literally) over a black Democrat being re-elected for president.

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After years of watching my mom slip back into depression and become a recluse, I recently walked into the closet of my childhood bedroom to get a look at all of my old video-game boxes and grab some college textbooks that I had left there. Also inside the closet were many boxes labeled "photos." I looked up and saw another box --- marked "Georgia." I didn't have time to get a look inside, but having a box full of what were likely memoirs of their friendship gave me a lot of hope! I had tried to contact Georgia two years ago, texting her a few minutes after I got engaged, with no response (I recently found out it was a landline lol). In the past few months I have found myself thinking about Georgia and her family, reliving fond memories of a previous life. I talked to my sister about it and she encouraged me to give her a call; so I did.

I totally caught her by surprise, but she was so excited to hear from me. We updated each other on ours and our family's lives. To give you a perspective on how disconnected our families became, she didn't know that I got a bachelor's AND a master's, nor did she know that my sister was sinced divorced, remarried, moved to Colorado, or that she has a daughter. A lady who was so close to my mom for so many years literally knew nothing about our lives over the past decade. It confirmed to me that there was literally zero contact between the two of them. Georgia had tried several times during that time to get together, but my mom turned her down time after time.

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It just so happens that I have a knack for music, and Georgia has appreciated it since I was a child. For the past 3 years I have played bass for my church's worship team, frequently playing sunday morning services as well as enormous holiday services in Christmas Eve and Easter morning. I tried parent-trapping them on Easter, but it was very last minute and Georgia already had plans. I have a strong belief that I can bring the two together for the first time in 10 years just to see me play music. I really want this to happen; they would have no choice but to acknowledge each other's existence. I could invite everyone to brunch after service. This seems dangerous though; I know Georgia would totally be down for it, but my mom could go either way. Should I attempt this? If not, what can I do to re-unite the two, salvaging an old friendship and hopefully bring my mom out of her shell?

 

[Nix_Hex]

Honestly, the one bad thing I can imagine happening is my mom getting pissed off at me and having yet something else to be passive aggressive about ... and definitely never making contact with her again. But hey, I guess it can't get any worse than it is right now, right?

 

[GotR]

TBH I think the first thing on your list - before manipulating your mom and going behind her back to try and organise something - should be to sit down with her and talk shit out.

I know that sounds kinda confronting, but that's basically what it is. I also understand that having that kind of discussion with a parent is hard - parents have a tendency to be overbearing in their opinions, especially with their children, and can find it difficult to accept that their little boy/girl has group up into a responsible adult themselves. Both of my parents are like this, and it makes serious talks with them really intimidating, because I'm always worried they'll just lose their shit at me because they think they're always right rather than just listening to what I have to say.

Seriously though, from the tone of your post it seems like you're worried about your mom for a number of different reasons, but there's no way she's ever going to do anything about them if you don't let her know you're worried about it. If she sits down and listens, you've made some progress, and if she doesn't, then I highly doubt she's ready to meet a long estranged family friend.

Another thing to keep in mind: leaving the two of them to 'coincidentally' bump into each other probably won't work out well - even if you do go forward with the plan as it stands, I recommend at least introducing them ('Mom, you won't believe who else is here', whatever it might be) and hanging around for the first couple minutes to try to ensure civility. Your mother is probably less like to flip out if you're around to watch her.

And finally - I'd recommend talking to a family counselor or something similar. It's very difficult for you to give us an accurate view of what your relationship with your mother is like in a couple paragraphs, and we're a fucking Pokemon website, so our advise might be excellent or completely appalling - you really don't have a way of knowing, aside from common sense.

TL;DR: Talk to her, and look for professional help.

 

[Britanica]

Talk to your mom. My mom is actually very social and the opposite of me. She used to think something was wrong with me because I never really liked going out, going to the movies, going to parties, ect. Now that I am older she sees that I just prefer to be in the company of a handful of people or less at a time. Trust issues can play a factor but my point to sharing this is that it may seem like something bad to you until she helps you understand it.

 

[Nix_Hex]

TBH I think the first thing on your list - before manipulating your mom and going behind her back to try and organise something - should be to sit down with her and talk shit out.

I know that sounds kinda confronting, but that's basically what it is. I also understand that having that kind of discussion with a parent is hard - parents have a tendency to be overbearing in their opinions, especially with their children, and can find it difficult to accept that their little boy/girl has group up into a responsible adult themselves. Both of my parents are like this, and it makes serious talks with them really intimidating, because I'm always worried they'll just lose their shit at me because they think they're always right rather than just listening to what I have to say.

Seriously though, from the tone of your post it seems like you're worried about your mom for a number of different reasons, but there's no way she's ever going to do anything about them if you don't let her know you're worried about it. If she sits down and listens, you've made some progress, and if she doesn't, then I highly doubt she's ready to meet a long estranged family friend.

Another thing to keep in mind: leaving the two of them to 'coincidentally' bump into each other probably won't work out well - even if you do go forward with the plan as it stands, I recommend at least introducing them ('Mom, you won't believe who else is here', whatever it might be) and hanging around for the first couple minutes to try to ensure civility. Your mother is probably less like to flip out if you're around to watch her.

And finally - I'd recommend talking to a family counselor or something similar. It's very difficult for you to give us an accurate view of what your relationship with your mother is like in a couple paragraphs, and we're a fucking Pokemon website, so our advise might be excellent or completely appalling - you really don't have a way of knowing, aside from common sense.

TL;DR: Talk to her, and look for professional help.

Thank you, your reason for not going ahead with this rashly is actually the thing I needed to hear most, I think. About this being a "fucking pokemon site"... you are right in that no one here is a practicing therapist (any who could potentially be left this site a long time ago), but i can't think of a better place to vent my frustration, especially because i've made so many friends here and it has been a huge part of my life for 7 years.

Talk to your mom.

b.. b... but... i don' wanna

 

[Hektor]

I'm fortunate enough to have never experienced this kind of situation myself, but let me tell you this: every mother should be so lucky as to have a child who cares as much about her as you do yours.

That said, you should make sure that you're squared away emotionally before proceeding with whatever plan of action you decide on. Even if you succeed, it'll be a hollow success if it comes at the cost of some or all of your mental health. It'll also enable you to support your mom all the better no matter what the outcome. Is there someone close to you, some kind of trusted counselor or adult outside of this whole scenario, that you could talk to about this? I'd definitely suggest asking someone more expert in interpersonal relationships/mental health how best to approach this issue with your mom.

The other main point that I'd like to make is this: no matter how hard you appeal/plead/work/etc., the only person who can change your mom... Is your mom. It may be that she needs help to start her journey of healing herself and her relationships, but only she can decide when and if she'll walk that path. By all means, raise your concerns! You have every right to do so! But don't expect to make her do a 180 and heal instantly.

That said, I'll be praying that your love will prevail over whatever's ailing your mother. All the best from a random stranger on a Pokémon forum!

 

[tehy]

it seems like what weighs on you most is that this person is out of your life rather than out of hers. maybe you can tell her that and tell her that this is why you wish she'd make up with this person, for you, so you can have this person back in your life.

 

[Nix_Hex]

it seems like what weighs on you most is that this person is out of your life rather than out of hers. maybe you can tell her that and tell her that this is why you wish she'd make up with this person, for you, so you can have this person back in your life.

My post does make it seem that way, but I want my mom to have friends -- and if she could make amends with the lady who was her best friend for many years, I think that would be a good step for her. Her depression predates this incident by a long-shot. The last time I've seen my mom genuinely happy was probably 23 years ago, and that's just how long it's been obvious on the surface.

 

[tehy]

ok

but you could also lie and say that's what it is about, if you're OK with that

 

[GotR]

ok

but you could also lie and say that's what it is about, if you're OK with that

Be careful lying. It's really tempting to just solve people's problems by fabricating what you think will help, and sometimes it works, but you usually don't feel good about it. And, of course, shit tends to hit the fan if they find out.

 

[tml]

You should start working on a screenplay

 

[Shinryu]

Eh worst case scenario, at least you have renewed contact with a family friend, so I say give it a shot. But yeah try talking it out first like the others have said. There could be some unknown personal reason your mom has avoided contact with an old friend, they could have broken apart long ago and only the friend is interested in trying to rekindle it.

 

[Joim]

I'm gonna echo that you should talk to your mom first, she could take very well or very badly that you reunite her with her friend without warning. It's too much of a risk and you clearly care a lot about het
It happens a lot of times that, when someone's absorbed in a relationship, they take their partner's tastes and opinions. But this can be to fulfill an empty within that existed prior to the relationship, it's hard to be an individual with your own train of thought when you struggle with depression. I'm sorry I can't be of help, but you can always hit me up on PS to talk! And good luck with your endeavours, you're a very good son.