Folks, we here at Smogon obsess over the most esoteric competitive minuta. It’s time that we dive into what really matters.
This new game had all sorts of quality characters, perhaps the best crop we’ve ever received. It’s important we discuss which is the most viable. Below I’ve provided you with a list with the correct answers. That said, please feel free to post your own thoughts on the cast before double checking with my answer key.
OFFICIAL Pokemon Legends: Z-A Character POWER RANKINGS
HONORARY MENTION: CORBEAU
I know people are in love with this jackass. I acknowledge his skills with a human ladder. I just can’t vibe with this dude, no matter how hard I try. The game keeps insisting he's a good guy. I don’t know why we’re so casually overlooking that he maintains a system that manipulates people into taking out predatory loans.
I’m an American. My country is already full of people being preyed upon by endless scams and debt. I look at ESPN for 30 seconds and I see four sports gambling apps. Every online shopping portal has some “pay it in four” crap. I am surrounded by financial vultures already and it’s too close to home, even if they don’t have a cool Scolipede. Being suddenly saddled with debt I didn’t incur is a living nightmare. I also don’t like that he runs a syndicate that vaguely ascribes people easily manipulated into debt as scum. E-rated Yakuza doesn’t hit for me, sorry.
The name’s also weird: Corbeau. I get that its french for crow. Just, you can’t keep claiming to be generous when it’s this apparent you’re hogging all the vowels.
#5 MABLE
Look, I’ll be honest. X and Y were great Pokemon games contemporaneously. I played like 600 hours of it, most of it in that first three month span on release where I absolutely choked it down. It ruled. I don’t know why we’ve all gone through a mass psychosis and forgotten that the first quarter of that game’s release was unreal fun.
With that said, I could not tell you hardly any of the names of the Team Flare administration. Lysandre’s a freebie, sure. I only remember Xerosic because of his meta-relevant trading card. I could not tell you a single name of any of the women in visors before this game if I tried. They made so little an impact in fact that I first thought Mable was a brand new character. Nope! She’s one those cult members, and she rules.
Finally, a professor who starts yelling when I enter a room. Every time we’re in front of her, I can feel the coffee and stress coursing through her veins. I’m not even going to mention her Pokédex missions suck and that the Hisuians figured out engaging Pokédex requirements like 160 years ago. She needs a break. She’s already under a house arrest equivalent. I’m just going to be a nice bright spot in her life, and maybe she might knock down the shiny charm battle requirements. She’s great. Not to mention, Mable continues the proud tradition of naming professors after trees, if you’re dyslexic.
#4 EMMA
It is so funny watching people react to Emma on a first playthrough. People are smitten by her adorable design, or worse, and thoroughly enjoy her presence. Then, she leaves, and it all falls apart. Every drop of her charm evaporates one spagetti-dropping footstep at a time as she Naruto runs away.
Why is this animation in the game? Is it a reference to something? Honestly the Emma side story in XY is so incentiveless in terms of actual gameplay benefit I barely remember completing it. I do remember the cartoon short where she kicks the snot out of her Espurr, however, for which she receives bonus points.
Also isn’t her weird plug suit thing like the vehicle by which she was mind controlled for a whole ass side story? Why are you casually wearing it doing detective work? Whatever, get past your trauma however you need. Just keep that cute as hell beaming smile and please don’t engage in any rapid locomotion.
#3 IVOR
Ivor and the Fists of Justice have such a great meta gag going already. You’re introduced to them almost the same way you’re shown N and Team Plasma in Black and White, a misfit group awkwardly disrupting the piece. Mentally I filed The Fists away as “oh they’re the evil team of this game”. Nope. Turns out they weren’t being weirdos in public for nefarious purposes. They’re just weirdos, led by Ivor, a man reciting heroic dialogue as often as he’s screaming at maximum volume.
He’s even got the little Falinks backpack on him hinting towards his mega! Isn’t that exciting, knowing what’s in store and going “oh wow, mega FALINKS is about to drop”!? No? You looked at all the new megas before the game came out? Have you considered waiting until Christmas to open your presents?
How can you not love Ivor? I have never met a man so excited to damage public property. I wish him well, as well all the smart phone inhabiting Rotom he’s made homeless. Can’t wait until the anime gets him voiced by Patrick Warburton.
#2 NAVEEN
Naveen didn’t shine as remarkable at first. He came off as passable, another source of endless textboxes to trudge through. Whatever, this curry joke would be repeated seven times before the game’s over and I’d forget him like the heard of other Kalos rivals before him.
Then, it happened. Everything changed in that moment. I’ll never forget where I was on that fateful day, when a second Iono hit the franchise. Naveen is not defined solely by his dislike of nasty-looking food. He’s a chat member. He’s a long-gone chat member.
Everything that falls out of Naveen’s mouth the entire rank F chapter is some of the funniest stuff in a Pokemon game. The observations about stream culture are way too pointed for where it is. The whole chapter he’s a walking library of letourneau. God, they even give you a generic otaku super fan for him to rag on. Canari almost feels like a vehicle to tell jokes with Naveen, where I’d expect things the other way around given she’s way more marketable. Naveen is the best surprise in this game, and I hope his oshi keeps reading his supas.
#1 JACINTHE
Folks, this is it. This is the fabled peak fiction. She's the best character in the whole game. An out of this world design with the most unhinged personality makes Jacinthe the queen of the whole franchise overnight.
“But sir!” I hear you begin. “Didn’t you just snub Corbeau from a ranked slot for hitting too close to home for real world social issues?” I did. Corbeau’s goons phone you to get what he wants. Jacinthe hijacks the holographic social infrastructure to personally project herself right in front of your face while you’re busy killing rabid wildlife. One of these is tangible and the other is a fairy princess demanding to get her way while keeping the sweetest smiling face on the whole time. I expected a crack at some point, for her to come up and show her real side, but nope. She’s just assaultingly cordial demanding insane things the entire time. She’s just that perfect.
Then you actually fight her. If a sequel to X and Y wasn’t already tossing you back to 2013, here’s some goddamn electro swing. Take a flying Clefable while you’re at it, why not. Just a shame it’s only one fight-NOPE. Jacinthe isn’t satisfied with a pedestrian single battle. No, you’re listening to her sick beat like six more times doing her special mission, as if you weren't already blasting it on replay in your headphones and car speaker.
We have not even touched upon Lebanne, the Sheer Heart Attack to Jacinthe’s Killer Queen. Lebanne should easily be ranked here in the top 5. It’s hard not to love a woman this constantly pushed to her limit. Her finally snapping and throwing lizards at you ruled. She did all this while wearing a maid outfit. The problem is, in detailing her, I’d have to detail Jacinthe, who is obviously number 1, and doesn’t deserve her name sullied in a place other than the top. Thus, Lebanne’s ranking is dragged up here as a sidenote. Don’t worry, Lebanne would have wanted it this way, after being instructed to want it by Jacinthe.
I can only hope she’s as spoiled with screentime as Cynthia in other pieces of the Pokemon media engine. After making 1025 of gaming’s most iconic characters, most of which you all know the names of far better than your coworkers, Gamefreak finally invented the best character. Here’s hoping Gamefreak knows what’s good for their revenue stream for the next game and includes Jacinthe again, and maybe a second, somehow more lavender Jacinthe.
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Please feel free to comment below about how good Jacinthe is, thank you.
This new game had all sorts of quality characters, perhaps the best crop we’ve ever received. It’s important we discuss which is the most viable. Below I’ve provided you with a list with the correct answers. That said, please feel free to post your own thoughts on the cast before double checking with my answer key.
OFFICIAL Pokemon Legends: Z-A Character POWER RANKINGS
HONORARY MENTION: CORBEAU
I know people are in love with this jackass. I acknowledge his skills with a human ladder. I just can’t vibe with this dude, no matter how hard I try. The game keeps insisting he's a good guy. I don’t know why we’re so casually overlooking that he maintains a system that manipulates people into taking out predatory loans.
I’m an American. My country is already full of people being preyed upon by endless scams and debt. I look at ESPN for 30 seconds and I see four sports gambling apps. Every online shopping portal has some “pay it in four” crap. I am surrounded by financial vultures already and it’s too close to home, even if they don’t have a cool Scolipede. Being suddenly saddled with debt I didn’t incur is a living nightmare. I also don’t like that he runs a syndicate that vaguely ascribes people easily manipulated into debt as scum. E-rated Yakuza doesn’t hit for me, sorry.
The name’s also weird: Corbeau. I get that its french for crow. Just, you can’t keep claiming to be generous when it’s this apparent you’re hogging all the vowels.
#5 MABLE
Look, I’ll be honest. X and Y were great Pokemon games contemporaneously. I played like 600 hours of it, most of it in that first three month span on release where I absolutely choked it down. It ruled. I don’t know why we’ve all gone through a mass psychosis and forgotten that the first quarter of that game’s release was unreal fun.
With that said, I could not tell you hardly any of the names of the Team Flare administration. Lysandre’s a freebie, sure. I only remember Xerosic because of his meta-relevant trading card. I could not tell you a single name of any of the women in visors before this game if I tried. They made so little an impact in fact that I first thought Mable was a brand new character. Nope! She’s one those cult members, and she rules.
Finally, a professor who starts yelling when I enter a room. Every time we’re in front of her, I can feel the coffee and stress coursing through her veins. I’m not even going to mention her Pokédex missions suck and that the Hisuians figured out engaging Pokédex requirements like 160 years ago. She needs a break. She’s already under a house arrest equivalent. I’m just going to be a nice bright spot in her life, and maybe she might knock down the shiny charm battle requirements. She’s great. Not to mention, Mable continues the proud tradition of naming professors after trees, if you’re dyslexic.
#4 EMMA
It is so funny watching people react to Emma on a first playthrough. People are smitten by her adorable design, or worse, and thoroughly enjoy her presence. Then, she leaves, and it all falls apart. Every drop of her charm evaporates one spagetti-dropping footstep at a time as she Naruto runs away.
Why is this animation in the game? Is it a reference to something? Honestly the Emma side story in XY is so incentiveless in terms of actual gameplay benefit I barely remember completing it. I do remember the cartoon short where she kicks the snot out of her Espurr, however, for which she receives bonus points.
Also isn’t her weird plug suit thing like the vehicle by which she was mind controlled for a whole ass side story? Why are you casually wearing it doing detective work? Whatever, get past your trauma however you need. Just keep that cute as hell beaming smile and please don’t engage in any rapid locomotion.
#3 IVOR
Ivor and the Fists of Justice have such a great meta gag going already. You’re introduced to them almost the same way you’re shown N and Team Plasma in Black and White, a misfit group awkwardly disrupting the piece. Mentally I filed The Fists away as “oh they’re the evil team of this game”. Nope. Turns out they weren’t being weirdos in public for nefarious purposes. They’re just weirdos, led by Ivor, a man reciting heroic dialogue as often as he’s screaming at maximum volume.
He’s even got the little Falinks backpack on him hinting towards his mega! Isn’t that exciting, knowing what’s in store and going “oh wow, mega FALINKS is about to drop”!? No? You looked at all the new megas before the game came out? Have you considered waiting until Christmas to open your presents?
How can you not love Ivor? I have never met a man so excited to damage public property. I wish him well, as well all the smart phone inhabiting Rotom he’s made homeless. Can’t wait until the anime gets him voiced by Patrick Warburton.
#2 NAVEEN
Naveen didn’t shine as remarkable at first. He came off as passable, another source of endless textboxes to trudge through. Whatever, this curry joke would be repeated seven times before the game’s over and I’d forget him like the heard of other Kalos rivals before him.
Then, it happened. Everything changed in that moment. I’ll never forget where I was on that fateful day, when a second Iono hit the franchise. Naveen is not defined solely by his dislike of nasty-looking food. He’s a chat member. He’s a long-gone chat member.
Everything that falls out of Naveen’s mouth the entire rank F chapter is some of the funniest stuff in a Pokemon game. The observations about stream culture are way too pointed for where it is. The whole chapter he’s a walking library of letourneau. God, they even give you a generic otaku super fan for him to rag on. Canari almost feels like a vehicle to tell jokes with Naveen, where I’d expect things the other way around given she’s way more marketable. Naveen is the best surprise in this game, and I hope his oshi keeps reading his supas.
#1 JACINTHE
Folks, this is it. This is the fabled peak fiction. She's the best character in the whole game. An out of this world design with the most unhinged personality makes Jacinthe the queen of the whole franchise overnight.
“But sir!” I hear you begin. “Didn’t you just snub Corbeau from a ranked slot for hitting too close to home for real world social issues?” I did. Corbeau’s goons phone you to get what he wants. Jacinthe hijacks the holographic social infrastructure to personally project herself right in front of your face while you’re busy killing rabid wildlife. One of these is tangible and the other is a fairy princess demanding to get her way while keeping the sweetest smiling face on the whole time. I expected a crack at some point, for her to come up and show her real side, but nope. She’s just assaultingly cordial demanding insane things the entire time. She’s just that perfect.
Then you actually fight her. If a sequel to X and Y wasn’t already tossing you back to 2013, here’s some goddamn electro swing. Take a flying Clefable while you’re at it, why not. Just a shame it’s only one fight-NOPE. Jacinthe isn’t satisfied with a pedestrian single battle. No, you’re listening to her sick beat like six more times doing her special mission, as if you weren't already blasting it on replay in your headphones and car speaker.
We have not even touched upon Lebanne, the Sheer Heart Attack to Jacinthe’s Killer Queen. Lebanne should easily be ranked here in the top 5. It’s hard not to love a woman this constantly pushed to her limit. Her finally snapping and throwing lizards at you ruled. She did all this while wearing a maid outfit. The problem is, in detailing her, I’d have to detail Jacinthe, who is obviously number 1, and doesn’t deserve her name sullied in a place other than the top. Thus, Lebanne’s ranking is dragged up here as a sidenote. Don’t worry, Lebanne would have wanted it this way, after being instructed to want it by Jacinthe.
I can only hope she’s as spoiled with screentime as Cynthia in other pieces of the Pokemon media engine. After making 1025 of gaming’s most iconic characters, most of which you all know the names of far better than your coworkers, Gamefreak finally invented the best character. Here’s hoping Gamefreak knows what’s good for their revenue stream for the next game and includes Jacinthe again, and maybe a second, somehow more lavender Jacinthe.
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Please feel free to comment below about how good Jacinthe is, thank you.
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