Don’t worry bro take things slowly. If you need a talk feel free to pm :) .
-
Welcome to Smogon! Take a moment to read the Introduction to Smogon for a run-down on everything Smogon, and make sure you take some time to read the global rules.
Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread
- Thread starter Rollout Shuckle
- Start date
Well, I fixed that drama. Mostly. Still have some salt, though.
That must be a lot to take and carry every day. Depression takes a lot from you mentally to where you just feel unmotivated to even do things you would find excitement in. Don’t feel sorry for telling your story We’d rather you come here than keep it balled up inside. There isn’t much I can say to immediately make you feel better but I do offer my thoughts and prayers. Don’t give up on your goal there is always minor setbacks. Make small challenges for yourself how long can you go with this amount of calories etc and if you fall short make the challenge again and try to exceed the previous day streak. I am a personal trainer so feel to ask for tips of need be. Don’t give up you’ll reach your goal you are only in the drought keep pushing through to your harvest. Best of luck to you!
When I started dedicating myself to various self-improvement efforts, when it came to diet I mostly resolved myself to eating healthier and slightly smaller portions without signficantly changing my diet. First and foremost, by far the most important, was cutting out the soda. Don't drink your calories if you can help it, drinks don't sate your appetite although an occasional glass of fruit juice or some milk with your cereal won't kill you. I'll try to graze before lunch at work if I'm hungry instead of eating a full breakfast on weekdays, and likewise I'll try to avoid the midnight snack if possible and wait out bedtime through slight hunger.
The short version of my diet is basically this: small snack for breakfast, moderate lunch for work, small snack before exercise class, full dinner, small midnight snack. Eat one plate for dinner instead of two and I can make room for some sweets, like a bowl of ice cream or some cookies. Sometimes I won't eat breakfast or a midnight snack, and then I either get to bank those calories toward slow-but-steady weight loss (maintenance at this point but I digress) or it means I don't have to feel bad about eating snacks pushed on me by friends / family / coworkers that day.
I mean, maybe you don't need my in-depth fitness advice but the point I'm trying to make is that you don't have to be very precise at all with your calorie counting. Just don't gorge on junk food between meals and you're well on your way. Like one cookie won't kill you, but don't allow the taste of that first one to entice you into eating half a dozen of 'em. Portion control is the name of the game.
Weight is much more about diet than it is exercise, although if you start lifting then building muscle will force your body to passively burn more calories over time. If you can't push past your initial anxieties to join exercise classes, which I highly recommend for socialization as well as motivation purposes once you start going (you won't want to disappoint your classmates by bailing or half-assing the workout), you should look for ways to incorporate exercising at home into your existing activities. I keep my dumbbells by my PC and just periodically bust out a set between browsing web pages, that's my entire weightlifting routine. Maybe you can jump rope or get a machine that lets you work on cardio and you just do it while watching shows instead of sitting, effectively multitasking.
I read stuff on the Internet and just don't know who to believe or what is strictly correct. So many people seem to have things figured out, and here's dumbass, failure me who just can't always make up his mind. Some things I take a stance on, but I can be flexible outside that.... ugh... Sick and tired of all this shit.
Some years back I decided to get on a diet and have now managed to lose more than 30 kgs, but I would have never been able to make it alone. My advice is to contact a professional to work on a new plan that fits you. Your post moved me to tears, I wish you the best. Never give up, work to get what you deserve.
Hello, everyone
Decided to make a post here, as I have been reading through this thread in the last couple of days and do emphatize everyone who shared their experiences. It also kind of shocked me to come by messages of players I find cool. I want to leave a footprint. I care
My childhood was fine, I don't recall anything bad. Haven't dragged any friends from those days, but I don't care. During elemtary school I started getting some low self-esteem problems, because of dumb kids, but eh, what can you do? Wouldn't get invited to parties and got bruised every now and then, maybe because I was overweight? Nah, can't be. I have always acted dumb and been the clown; I used to love making people laugh. I didn't do it to become popular, there's no such thing as a whole "school society" in grades first-eighth, in Italy. I guess that backfires, especially if you can't contain the freak that you are! Haven't dragged any friends from those days, but it's not a shock, I had none. Except for a dude I recently met again. Recently, yeah, as in before COVID-19. We fell out of touch, I lost the mobile I had his number saved on. There's social media, but I never looked for him again. Back to the overweight thingy, I don't think that affected my social as much, but it would give light to some weird interactions, that definitely hit my morale and self-esteem (I used to start crying during classes for no reason and I hide it or make up something). This also bloomied into precocius self appearance concerns that I have been carrying to this day. Overall, I was a pretty messed up kid. Middle school was a relatively intense time. My father lost his job; money were not a concern, as my mother has a stable and profitable one. My dad was really nervous those days.
Going back a little, I haven't told you everything about those bruises I talked about earlier. My dad (and I guess myself too) is a really weird guy. He would make jokes at me all the times and that really stressed me as a kid. He would throw in a joke about my appearance too sometimes and that really hurt. So yeah, he had lost his job, he was nervous, I was nervous: I could not stand him anymore, he was too much of a dick, he would do nothing but watch tv all day. Tv was turned up to maximum all the times, it would get in my hears, scratching my inside and making me go nuts. I would destroy my bedroom, mess with my face and hair, try tearing myself apart with my hands, every night I would start screaming and crying. One day I got into a fight with my dad. I started screaming at him and he threw some metal thing at my face. It hit me on my right eye brow, making me bleed. I still got my eye brow "burnt" today. I looked at myself in the mirror for some instants and eventually screamed super hard, I was about to turn super saiyan. I jumped on him and started beating him until I got on his leg. I kicked it many times and very hard, in the end he layed on the floor saying nothing and that was it. I can't remember what happened after all of that. This violence peak lasted for a few weeks I think. All the interactions I had with my dad made me more fragile overtime. It would take nothing to make me cry and used to do it very often during classes for whatever thing. A comment about my hair being too long, about my weight, about my nose, about my voice, anything would hit me like a truck. I don't think I should say or even immagine something like this, but maybe it made my teachers pull the trigger and make fun of me more often, or maybe it was just my head messing with me, making me suffer more and think I was a target even tho every other kid had their fair share too. My days at school were fun overall, maybe because I was far from my dad? He really kept stressing me out for a long time. Probably not, tho. I actually fell in love for the first time during those days, being rejected, of course, but I got to say, what's more fun than being a desperate lover? I also made some very good friends, two brothers I am close to even today and two other guys, who I "ganged" and had a lot fun with. We fell out of touch, again, I lost the mobile I had everyone's numbers on just before COVID-19 happened. Thankfully I have been able to reach them and we should meet soon.
Well...what about my mom? During those years she got ill with breast tumor and this stroke everything. She was kept in hospital for some time, and I remember the days spent there, the times waiting for her while she was under chemotherapy and falling asleep in the waiting room, the relatives coming by, the hugs I gave her while she was layed on that damn hospital bed. I think this period really changed me. I just became a lot calmer, I could compare myself to ash after the fire has expired. I still couldn't stand my dad or myself even, but I just wouldn't be as active as I once was.
Maybe because everything now revolved around my mother's conditions and my dad was focused on that too. I think this made my family closer, a ill, isolated family still, but closer. After my mother was dismissed my life got back to normal, but something was different: I would not get angry as often, but I was sad all the times, even at school, I would shut up more. My mother also had no hair! And I tried to help her when doing chores. Summertime has always been weird for me, I just always hated going at the beach, just not being able to enjoy the experience. My mother loves going at the beach tho, so we would get in fights often. The few times I hit the beach I would be worried about what other would think of me and my body. The fear of being considered miserable or simply judged divoured me all the times and has been until recently. Depresson got me, my whole first year of high school was spent saying nothing or letting my freak-self get out time to time, staying at home. I made some really great friends who even invited me in their homes time to time, but I was still alone, trapped under the rule of my anger and how miserable I was, hidden in my sadness.
My life hit a turning point on a valentines day: I confessed my love to a girl, had even brought her a rose. After that, I got no response and we just hadn't been talking anymore. A straight no would have made me suffer less. I was going to get killed by my miserability, I wouldn't stop crying all day and every day. For the first time in my life, I really started hating myself. Going back, I sure did exagerate, bringing a rose to a girl I almost never talked with, but yeah, weird people will do weird things. After that, I asked my mom if I could join a gym to become better looking, a classic. I must say that it really changed my life, not because I actually got better looking, but because I saw a light, self improvement. We also contacted a nutritionist, got on a diet and slowly started losing weight and gaining muscle. It has been a few years since then and have now lost something over 30kgs, but the way was and is long and hard. I have been crying often still, but my morale has been improving overall. I have been getting into new things: drawing, different sports, reading. I think the only way to save ourselves is giving it all whatever happens, let curiosity do its thing and looking at that light very far away. I am still drown in anger and miserability, but my little and true self is putting up a stubborn fight. About my concerns, my dad is ill: he suffers of diabetes and it has been killing him for a long time. He is just almost not able to walk anymore and has given me and my mom some scares. He has got some heart problems and was operated a year back. Sadly, he won't stop drinking coffes and smoking. His head doesn't work as well. Even after all the horrible things that have happened, I love him. Deep inside he is a nice guy. I do think he suffers of schizophrenia at this point, my mom is going to make him have a medical check. I am very worried about him. I know that I am going to come home from school and get a bad new, that I will wake up one night to the worst, that I will get some more scares before it happens. I know he won't change, I know he won't work on himself, maybe because of our past, I can't trust him anymore. I recently got mad at him because he won't take care of himself and it actually was going to happen again, he got a statue in his hand and was about to throw it at my face. Nothing bad happened, but yeah, my dad just doesn't know better. He grew up getting beat by his mom, while my grandpa died when he was 16, which really killed his soul. His brother died recently of diabetes, he just wouldn't assume his insuline anymore. These are the reasons he is like this now. These are the reasons I forgive him. Everyone has a reason to be forgiven. I forgive myself, but I can't stand the way I get randomly angry at times and really should try to work on that, before I really fall into some schizophrenia illness or something. Please forgive everyone who hurt you, we really all are one big family. Forgive yourselves and give attention to that little self trying to save you. I also got to say that I now love hitting the beach, maybe because I don't get as tired, maybe because I don't worry about myself as much anymore; but yeah, if you work on yourself, many more ways will open. I wish the best of luck to everyone
Decided to make a post here, as I have been reading through this thread in the last couple of days and do emphatize everyone who shared their experiences. It also kind of shocked me to come by messages of players I find cool. I want to leave a footprint. I care
My childhood was fine, I don't recall anything bad. Haven't dragged any friends from those days, but I don't care. During elemtary school I started getting some low self-esteem problems, because of dumb kids, but eh, what can you do? Wouldn't get invited to parties and got bruised every now and then, maybe because I was overweight? Nah, can't be. I have always acted dumb and been the clown; I used to love making people laugh. I didn't do it to become popular, there's no such thing as a whole "school society" in grades first-eighth, in Italy. I guess that backfires, especially if you can't contain the freak that you are! Haven't dragged any friends from those days, but it's not a shock, I had none. Except for a dude I recently met again. Recently, yeah, as in before COVID-19. We fell out of touch, I lost the mobile I had his number saved on. There's social media, but I never looked for him again. Back to the overweight thingy, I don't think that affected my social as much, but it would give light to some weird interactions, that definitely hit my morale and self-esteem (I used to start crying during classes for no reason and I hide it or make up something). This also bloomied into precocius self appearance concerns that I have been carrying to this day. Overall, I was a pretty messed up kid. Middle school was a relatively intense time. My father lost his job; money were not a concern, as my mother has a stable and profitable one. My dad was really nervous those days.
Going back a little, I haven't told you everything about those bruises I talked about earlier. My dad (and I guess myself too) is a really weird guy. He would make jokes at me all the times and that really stressed me as a kid. He would throw in a joke about my appearance too sometimes and that really hurt. So yeah, he had lost his job, he was nervous, I was nervous: I could not stand him anymore, he was too much of a dick, he would do nothing but watch tv all day. Tv was turned up to maximum all the times, it would get in my hears, scratching my inside and making me go nuts. I would destroy my bedroom, mess with my face and hair, try tearing myself apart with my hands, every night I would start screaming and crying. One day I got into a fight with my dad. I started screaming at him and he threw some metal thing at my face. It hit me on my right eye brow, making me bleed. I still got my eye brow "burnt" today. I looked at myself in the mirror for some instants and eventually screamed super hard, I was about to turn super saiyan. I jumped on him and started beating him until I got on his leg. I kicked it many times and very hard, in the end he layed on the floor saying nothing and that was it. I can't remember what happened after all of that. This violence peak lasted for a few weeks I think. All the interactions I had with my dad made me more fragile overtime. It would take nothing to make me cry and used to do it very often during classes for whatever thing. A comment about my hair being too long, about my weight, about my nose, about my voice, anything would hit me like a truck. I don't think I should say or even immagine something like this, but maybe it made my teachers pull the trigger and make fun of me more often, or maybe it was just my head messing with me, making me suffer more and think I was a target even tho every other kid had their fair share too. My days at school were fun overall, maybe because I was far from my dad? He really kept stressing me out for a long time. Probably not, tho. I actually fell in love for the first time during those days, being rejected, of course, but I got to say, what's more fun than being a desperate lover? I also made some very good friends, two brothers I am close to even today and two other guys, who I "ganged" and had a lot fun with. We fell out of touch, again, I lost the mobile I had everyone's numbers on just before COVID-19 happened. Thankfully I have been able to reach them and we should meet soon.
Well...what about my mom? During those years she got ill with breast tumor and this stroke everything. She was kept in hospital for some time, and I remember the days spent there, the times waiting for her while she was under chemotherapy and falling asleep in the waiting room, the relatives coming by, the hugs I gave her while she was layed on that damn hospital bed. I think this period really changed me. I just became a lot calmer, I could compare myself to ash after the fire has expired. I still couldn't stand my dad or myself even, but I just wouldn't be as active as I once was.
Maybe because everything now revolved around my mother's conditions and my dad was focused on that too. I think this made my family closer, a ill, isolated family still, but closer. After my mother was dismissed my life got back to normal, but something was different: I would not get angry as often, but I was sad all the times, even at school, I would shut up more. My mother also had no hair! And I tried to help her when doing chores. Summertime has always been weird for me, I just always hated going at the beach, just not being able to enjoy the experience. My mother loves going at the beach tho, so we would get in fights often. The few times I hit the beach I would be worried about what other would think of me and my body. The fear of being considered miserable or simply judged divoured me all the times and has been until recently. Depresson got me, my whole first year of high school was spent saying nothing or letting my freak-self get out time to time, staying at home. I made some really great friends who even invited me in their homes time to time, but I was still alone, trapped under the rule of my anger and how miserable I was, hidden in my sadness.
My life hit a turning point on a valentines day: I confessed my love to a girl, had even brought her a rose. After that, I got no response and we just hadn't been talking anymore. A straight no would have made me suffer less. I was going to get killed by my miserability, I wouldn't stop crying all day and every day. For the first time in my life, I really started hating myself. Going back, I sure did exagerate, bringing a rose to a girl I almost never talked with, but yeah, weird people will do weird things. After that, I asked my mom if I could join a gym to become better looking, a classic. I must say that it really changed my life, not because I actually got better looking, but because I saw a light, self improvement. We also contacted a nutritionist, got on a diet and slowly started losing weight and gaining muscle. It has been a few years since then and have now lost something over 30kgs, but the way was and is long and hard. I have been crying often still, but my morale has been improving overall. I have been getting into new things: drawing, different sports, reading. I think the only way to save ourselves is giving it all whatever happens, let curiosity do its thing and looking at that light very far away. I am still drown in anger and miserability, but my little and true self is putting up a stubborn fight. About my concerns, my dad is ill: he suffers of diabetes and it has been killing him for a long time. He is just almost not able to walk anymore and has given me and my mom some scares. He has got some heart problems and was operated a year back. Sadly, he won't stop drinking coffes and smoking. His head doesn't work as well. Even after all the horrible things that have happened, I love him. Deep inside he is a nice guy. I do think he suffers of schizophrenia at this point, my mom is going to make him have a medical check. I am very worried about him. I know that I am going to come home from school and get a bad new, that I will wake up one night to the worst, that I will get some more scares before it happens. I know he won't change, I know he won't work on himself, maybe because of our past, I can't trust him anymore. I recently got mad at him because he won't take care of himself and it actually was going to happen again, he got a statue in his hand and was about to throw it at my face. Nothing bad happened, but yeah, my dad just doesn't know better. He grew up getting beat by his mom, while my grandpa died when he was 16, which really killed his soul. His brother died recently of diabetes, he just wouldn't assume his insuline anymore. These are the reasons he is like this now. These are the reasons I forgive him. Everyone has a reason to be forgiven. I forgive myself, but I can't stand the way I get randomly angry at times and really should try to work on that, before I really fall into some schizophrenia illness or something. Please forgive everyone who hurt you, we really all are one big family. Forgive yourselves and give attention to that little self trying to save you. I also got to say that I now love hitting the beach, maybe because I don't get as tired, maybe because I don't worry about myself as much anymore; but yeah, if you work on yourself, many more ways will open. I wish the best of luck to everyone
This is gonna be kinda long and rambly but w/e
I had a mental breakdown a little over a 2 months ago. I no call no showed to work, my boss called my parents, and my parents ended up having to threaten to call the police to take me to the hospital in order to get me to respond. I ended up packing out of my apartment and staying with my uncle that night, and the next day I moved back to my parents where I’ve been since. I took temporary leave from my job.
I did a residential program for 10 days and I did a 2 week php program that ended mid august. Purpose of the former was to confirm mental health diagnoses and the latter to get back in touch w various life skills (DBT, for those who are familiar).
I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, autism spectrum disorder (high-functioning), and ADHD-inattentive before, and the residential program confirmed these. The former two I was diagnosed my sophomore year of college (a little over 4 years ago) and the latter two about 15 months ago.
It’s kind tough to describe the mental state I enter when I had that breakdown. It’s not the first time I’ve been in that place and probably won’t be the last. I enter this like fugue state brought on my intense anxiety and I feel trapped, unable to move or deal with anything, and unable to reach out for help. That day before this breakdown was fine. That night I have trouble sleeping. 10 pm turns into midnight turns into 2pm turns into 4am. At this point I have two options— stay up all night or scrounge together an hour of sleep. From where I’m at, latter seems undoable—I will almost certainly sleep through my alarm, and I’ve already had tardiness issues brought upon by poor sleep hygiene. I can get through the day by allnightering it but I’d already done this once a few weeks back, and I ended up being super late the next day due to my exhaustion. From my perspective, I’m gonna have issues either way and I’m already at the end of the line, as my boss told me. I spiraled and it led to the events of that day.
While it turns out my diagnoses were already known, ive learned a lot about how they impact my life and whatnot. Depression and anxiety, as it turns out, is not “inherent” within me like it can be with others. Rather, it is like this side effect of my lack of executive functioning brought on by my ASD and ADHD. As the psychologist at residential described it, anxiety and depression are almost interlinked with folks on the spectrum who are high functioning. It’s often the result of being different, feeling different, and having more difficulty managing life compared to others. I’ve also learned how much my ADHD has affected my life. Small things like constantly misplacing my keys or phone to big things like not being able to plan or organize my life.
Scientifically, from my understanding, adhd stems from an underdeveloped frontal lobe, which is responsible for organizing, prioritizing, etc. the frontal lobe will release adrenaline corresponding with urgency. And this understanding has been fascinating to me. I’ve had tardiness issues with literally everything my whole life, and my parents have berated me in the past for my inability to handle anything with a proper sense of urgency. There are certain thoughts I’d say that create action, and others that are merely observations. As an example—if one were to realize they were sitting on a nest of hornets, one would be inclined to stand and immediately move out of the way. If one were to realize that there’s a full moon outside, that doesn’t necessarily create need for action for someone. And this learning has been helpful for understanding how my brain works and how my adhd medication works. It explains why I might feel thoughts like “I need to leave at this time to be on time for work” with the same urgency as “the weathers ok today”. Stimulants like addy or vyvanse create additional adrenaline, which is why when those hit I am flooded with the need to get things done.
Ive had plenty of time to take inventory of what I’ve dealt with. At my core, what I’ve struggled with most is shame and willfulness. Ive resented myself for being different, struggling socially, struggling w executive functioning, almost my whole life. It’s also, in hindsight, the main reason I’ve abandoned the church— it’s impossible to reconcile “you are fearfully and perfectly made” with that amount of resentment and anger. And what made my life hell 2-3 months ago was my willfulness and inability to cope with my conditions. I tried to brute force my way thru life and when things weren’t working it made things feel even worse. Whole weekends were spent not leaving bed and weekdays were spent dreading the possibility of oversleeping and being late for work again. I spent a lot of time being angry about myself and every instance of messing up (can’t make myself do laundry, get to work on time) made me spiral and self-isolate even more.
Overall, I’ve made some progress the past 2 months. I’m back in the office at a different location squatting with my parents, who have been very supportive throughout this. I am very privileged to have my parents be this effective of a support net for me. I’ve changed my adhd meds from addy to vyvanse at a psychiatrists rec and it’s made dealing with adhd, in a holistic manner, and building better sleep habits easier. The biggest thing that’s changed/helped me is I have come to some form of acceptance with this. I have ASD and ADHD and that’s the way it is. I can spend my life angry about it or I can deal with it. There are, in my opinion, actual benefits from being neurodiverse in this manner, even if the trade off isn’t worth it. If you don’t know what radical acceptance is, check it out—practicing this skill has significantly improved my life in many different areas.
There are still things to be done. I will need to be very rigorous about planning and organizing my life, for the rest of my life, if I want to live independently. Doing so has definitely been the biggest challenge, as my brain is naturally wired to reject anything that does not feel interesting to do in the moment. Having this experience helps keep me motivated, at least— I know what’s gonna happen if I don’t prioritize my well-being, and it’s not good.
I suppose I’m writing this because I believe openness and vulnerability is the best way to combat shame. I know a few folks in the community saw me and results of how I was doing, particularly if you were on my nupl team—the manager going awol during playoffs is def not a good look. Nonetheless many of you have been indirectly helpful and i have derived meaning from many friendships and conversations I’ve had on this site.
TLDR: fuck off and read the post
I had a mental breakdown a little over a 2 months ago. I no call no showed to work, my boss called my parents, and my parents ended up having to threaten to call the police to take me to the hospital in order to get me to respond. I ended up packing out of my apartment and staying with my uncle that night, and the next day I moved back to my parents where I’ve been since. I took temporary leave from my job.
I did a residential program for 10 days and I did a 2 week php program that ended mid august. Purpose of the former was to confirm mental health diagnoses and the latter to get back in touch w various life skills (DBT, for those who are familiar).
I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, autism spectrum disorder (high-functioning), and ADHD-inattentive before, and the residential program confirmed these. The former two I was diagnosed my sophomore year of college (a little over 4 years ago) and the latter two about 15 months ago.
It’s kind tough to describe the mental state I enter when I had that breakdown. It’s not the first time I’ve been in that place and probably won’t be the last. I enter this like fugue state brought on my intense anxiety and I feel trapped, unable to move or deal with anything, and unable to reach out for help. That day before this breakdown was fine. That night I have trouble sleeping. 10 pm turns into midnight turns into 2pm turns into 4am. At this point I have two options— stay up all night or scrounge together an hour of sleep. From where I’m at, latter seems undoable—I will almost certainly sleep through my alarm, and I’ve already had tardiness issues brought upon by poor sleep hygiene. I can get through the day by allnightering it but I’d already done this once a few weeks back, and I ended up being super late the next day due to my exhaustion. From my perspective, I’m gonna have issues either way and I’m already at the end of the line, as my boss told me. I spiraled and it led to the events of that day.
While it turns out my diagnoses were already known, ive learned a lot about how they impact my life and whatnot. Depression and anxiety, as it turns out, is not “inherent” within me like it can be with others. Rather, it is like this side effect of my lack of executive functioning brought on by my ASD and ADHD. As the psychologist at residential described it, anxiety and depression are almost interlinked with folks on the spectrum who are high functioning. It’s often the result of being different, feeling different, and having more difficulty managing life compared to others. I’ve also learned how much my ADHD has affected my life. Small things like constantly misplacing my keys or phone to big things like not being able to plan or organize my life.
Scientifically, from my understanding, adhd stems from an underdeveloped frontal lobe, which is responsible for organizing, prioritizing, etc. the frontal lobe will release adrenaline corresponding with urgency. And this understanding has been fascinating to me. I’ve had tardiness issues with literally everything my whole life, and my parents have berated me in the past for my inability to handle anything with a proper sense of urgency. There are certain thoughts I’d say that create action, and others that are merely observations. As an example—if one were to realize they were sitting on a nest of hornets, one would be inclined to stand and immediately move out of the way. If one were to realize that there’s a full moon outside, that doesn’t necessarily create need for action for someone. And this learning has been helpful for understanding how my brain works and how my adhd medication works. It explains why I might feel thoughts like “I need to leave at this time to be on time for work” with the same urgency as “the weathers ok today”. Stimulants like addy or vyvanse create additional adrenaline, which is why when those hit I am flooded with the need to get things done.
Ive had plenty of time to take inventory of what I’ve dealt with. At my core, what I’ve struggled with most is shame and willfulness. Ive resented myself for being different, struggling socially, struggling w executive functioning, almost my whole life. It’s also, in hindsight, the main reason I’ve abandoned the church— it’s impossible to reconcile “you are fearfully and perfectly made” with that amount of resentment and anger. And what made my life hell 2-3 months ago was my willfulness and inability to cope with my conditions. I tried to brute force my way thru life and when things weren’t working it made things feel even worse. Whole weekends were spent not leaving bed and weekdays were spent dreading the possibility of oversleeping and being late for work again. I spent a lot of time being angry about myself and every instance of messing up (can’t make myself do laundry, get to work on time) made me spiral and self-isolate even more.
Overall, I’ve made some progress the past 2 months. I’m back in the office at a different location squatting with my parents, who have been very supportive throughout this. I am very privileged to have my parents be this effective of a support net for me. I’ve changed my adhd meds from addy to vyvanse at a psychiatrists rec and it’s made dealing with adhd, in a holistic manner, and building better sleep habits easier. The biggest thing that’s changed/helped me is I have come to some form of acceptance with this. I have ASD and ADHD and that’s the way it is. I can spend my life angry about it or I can deal with it. There are, in my opinion, actual benefits from being neurodiverse in this manner, even if the trade off isn’t worth it. If you don’t know what radical acceptance is, check it out—practicing this skill has significantly improved my life in many different areas.
There are still things to be done. I will need to be very rigorous about planning and organizing my life, for the rest of my life, if I want to live independently. Doing so has definitely been the biggest challenge, as my brain is naturally wired to reject anything that does not feel interesting to do in the moment. Having this experience helps keep me motivated, at least— I know what’s gonna happen if I don’t prioritize my well-being, and it’s not good.
I suppose I’m writing this because I believe openness and vulnerability is the best way to combat shame. I know a few folks in the community saw me and results of how I was doing, particularly if you were on my nupl team—the manager going awol during playoffs is def not a good look. Nonetheless many of you have been indirectly helpful and i have derived meaning from many friendships and conversations I’ve had on this site.
TLDR: fuck off and read the post
Hello Nol,
I am sorry to read all of this, have my Love and my Strength! I am pretty sure things will go uphill again. But to put some anxiety off of you, you won't bother anyone, if people are close to you, that means they go with you through the highs and lows in your life, and I am pretty sure they will do that, as you would do for them. Friendship isn't always happy, sunshine, brightness, but also accepting that your friends can fall into a bad time but this is the time in which we help each other out because we are friends. I truly believe no one close to you would feel bothered or pressured at all. They will have an open ear for you! I can relate to some of your feelings you've explained here pretty well. This is almost like I have written this. Just let me tell you one thing, If you want to reach out, want to vent, want to talk, we are all here for each other and this includes you. If you want to vent private, my DMs and my Discord are always open for you!
I hope you find a way through this and please do not feel alone, we are all here for you, even tho we aren't neighbors, or livin' close to each other, but this is where this amazing thread comes in place. You always can reach out and vent and we will listen to you!
Stay strong! <3
Have you talked to your doctor since they recommended you to lose weight? It seems like you might be developing an eating disorder over it - some of the experiences you've been describing could be telltale signs. It's important to remember that weight loss isn't your end goal here; your health is. I'd recommend talking to your doctor about the problems you've been having with food if you haven't already.
Perhaps the new option of having a new therapy and along with it a new therapist can help you - Don't rule it out yet. You are such a wonderful human being and you should give yourself the chance and option to try this new option out. I am really glad your dad made you go to the doctor and that you will see help now! Don't give up! I know all too well it's easier said than done, but it is worth to battle for yourself and your mental health.
I can totally relate to that, one day everything is good and on the very next day the depression hits and makes an impact, the insecurity gets really high and I can imagine how uncomfortable you feel in your skin, in your body, in your mindset.
I think you have achieved quite a lot - You are an incredible artist and a wonderful human being. That alone is such a massive achievement in life. And I value that a lot. Everytime I see something from you it makes me smile and happy. You contribute more to the world than you might think. You contribute that people are happy, you contribute with your hobby, and you contribute in making alot of people happy on this website. You definitely are a very committed and passionated human being, with wonderful personality traits.
You should really give yourself the chance with that therapy, and I hope for you that everything goes well and If you want to reach out - even when it is only for a rant - we are all here with you, on your side!
Hi bro, you're really young, you'll likely know better days. First of all, it's very likely that your loved ones care about you, in fact if they didn't care about you, they would ignore you and wouldn't particularly want you to look after yourself, to go to the doctor. And honestly, accomplishing your teenage years isn't really a concept that makes sense to me. There is nothing to accomplish, you don't need to have a checklist and you have plenty of time to do it most of the times. You put too much pressure on yourself, or others put too much pressure on you.
Otherwise I'm the moody / chaotic type too, I know how annoying it is.
In my experience, dark thoughts increase when you're running on empty, and it's a vicious circle because it's harder to concentrate, and some activities that require high concentration are more difficult. I'm not going to advise you to get involved in art as you obviously already are, according to your badge. But it's important to be able to cope with the dark periods: have you tried a more "manual" activity? I'm thinking of cooking, crafts, for example? Keeping your body busy can sometimes distract your mind from negative thoughts as you are concentrating on a task that doesn't require as much intellectualization as art. Meditation can also help.
Oh and also, never regret what happens, even if it goes wrong. I also regretted a lot of things when I was about your age, and it's only 3 or 4 years later that I understood that it was useless. Sometimes you want to do the right thing, or do it differently, but you just don't have the experience to make it right. It's done, full stop. And you're allowed to screw things up when you're young. I think we forgive ourselves better with hindsight.
And continue with the therapy of course, it may be useless with this particular doctor but at least it will give you useful information to draw on, and then you never know, it may work.
Anyway, life doesn't mean much sometimes. You can be happy for a long time and one day an event destroys all your equilibrium in one go, just as you can be unhappy all your life and have luck on your side at one point, and everything changes. Just because you've been sad for a while doesn't mean you're doomed, far from it. Chance often balances things out in the end.
I try to suggest practical ideas, I'm notoriously bad at moral support, sorry if that's not what you're looking for. I hope it gets better anyway! :)
Last edited:
Wanted to drop in and say you’re not alone, things WILL get better, and to remind yourself you are good enough because you’re YOU. Even if you find that cheesy, it’s 100% true.
I would recommend to everyone in this thread to get counseling if possible. It will be free in most cases if you are on your parents insurance or your own.
I also recommend getting a psychiatrist. Again, insurance will cover many of them.
I would still be depressed if it wasn’t for both of those. Please do yourself a favor and take that first step.
If you have any specific questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. I would prefer you to post in the thread linked below so other people can see since I guarantee someone will have the same question or otherwise gain something out of the Q&A, but if it’s too personal, please DM me.
https://www.smogon.com/forums/threads/giving-back-ama.3691331/#post-8985684
I would recommend to everyone in this thread to get counseling if possible. It will be free in most cases if you are on your parents insurance or your own.
I also recommend getting a psychiatrist. Again, insurance will cover many of them.
I would still be depressed if it wasn’t for both of those. Please do yourself a favor and take that first step.
If you have any specific questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. I would prefer you to post in the thread linked below so other people can see since I guarantee someone will have the same question or otherwise gain something out of the Q&A, but if it’s too personal, please DM me.
https://www.smogon.com/forums/threads/giving-back-ama.3691331/#post-8985684
The gosh awful thing in my head is acting up again. Why can't it just fucking die? I never signed up for it.
You want me vent about it? Probably won't happen anytime soon. It's extremely private and would ruin me if I where to make it public. (Most people wouldn't think it's bad or abnormal though.) I need to do something about it, though...
Last edited:
Congratulations on the weight loss! The body-image issues you're feeling are extremely common in individuals that lose/gain weight and can take a long time to go away. Many times they come alongside eating disorders, which based on your post sounds like you may have some form of. Like most types of mental health issues, therapy can be very helpful here. I was very obese as a teenager and lost a full-sized adult in weight in 2 years right before I started college. I certainly felt better after the weight loss and knew I wasn't the size I used to be, but I still felt fat and didn't know a life where I wasn't obese. I struggled to eat in front of people, particularly those I didn't know, and it caused me to develop different forms of unhealthy eating habits. Fortunately, I sought help with therapy and found methods to help me put my situation into perspective instead of hyperfocusing on things like my BMI.
It's been over 10 years since I lost that weight and I wish I could tell you everything is fine and that I no longer have these thoughts anymore, but I'd be lying. The last 18 months have been taxing and I put on some weight for the first time since I was 18. While the amount of weight I put on pales in comparison to what many people would classify as significant, my past experiences have caused my brain to look at this more negatively. In many ways I feel like I have failed myself and the promises I made myself. I'm now back to worrying about how others perceive me, having anxiety in social situations that I'd normally be fine in, etc. Those that I have shared this with tell me everything that I already know, with the most common response being that I'm being too hard on myself and need to consider the outside pressures I had/have pushing on me to cause this. Eating, as you probably know, is comforting and a form of stress relief for many. Very few people get to the size they are without some larger issue that needs dealt with. Anyway, my point in sharing this with you is not to tell you that help is impossible and that you'll always feel this way, but that it can be a long journey. If you hit your goal weight tomorrow, I could promise you that you'd still have many of these same feelings. Just know that you're not alone in feeling the way you are. I am still looking for a therapist but in the talks I have been able to have with mental health professionals over the last year, I have been told the two biggest things they're hearing about are body-image issues and social anxiety, which when you consider the current state of the world, is very unsurprising. I'm not telling you to blame the world for all of stresses, but perhaps we could both give ourselves a little bit of wiggle room and forgiveness of the situation we've found ourselves in.
yo you have gotta get some space between yourself and playing lol, how you are as a player/how you play has 0 to do w irl, it's a game we play to relax, try and approach it that way
it's wrong of those dudes to harass you, but if the game itself feels horrible to play either cause of the community/you don't feel super into it, that's fine; it's not a job, and truth be told there are way better games out there to spend your time on: competitive or otherwise
never let losses/shit talk from insecure randoms online drive you into something you can't take back: hop offline and play something else/do something else for a while, if the game/the unnecessarily confrontational community etc make it unpalatable, don't force yourself to play
i randomly saw this but, stay well; feels shitty to know there are dudes who got nothing to do other than harass people online over an ages 3+ game of all things
it's wrong of those dudes to harass you, but if the game itself feels horrible to play either cause of the community/you don't feel super into it, that's fine; it's not a job, and truth be told there are way better games out there to spend your time on: competitive or otherwise
never let losses/shit talk from insecure randoms online drive you into something you can't take back: hop offline and play something else/do something else for a while, if the game/the unnecessarily confrontational community etc make it unpalatable, don't force yourself to play
i randomly saw this but, stay well; feels shitty to know there are dudes who got nothing to do other than harass people online over an ages 3+ game of all things
Oh wow, this is just sooooo shit to do what these people are doing, I am really sorry to read that. THIS definitely should not be tolerated on this site and I am pretty pretty sure that Aeonic will do everything to make you feel safe here again. This community should stick together instead of drifting apart into circlejerks or people whos aim is just to harass, backstabb, and snake people. It happens too much nowadays that backstabbing is sadly a hobby in life for a plethora of people same with harassments and other stuff like that. And I know how hard it is to maintain self-worth, self-esteem, confidence during such courses, especially if no recognition is being made towards your effort. I am sure you try your best and hardest to fit in and to improve but lemme tell you something, even the best the top of the top players didn't start as trophy or ribbon winners. Even they had their fair share of losses, but alot of people forgot that this was the case for a more than only two handful of top players. No one here started as a pro, expert, superb player, everyone here had their time to improve and alongside that with failing on that path, Failures per say aren't bad, everyone does, everyone can improve on them but a lot of people just don't understand that. Being harassed over that is just not alright and you should try to not let your self-worth define over such human beings and individuals here. They MAY BE better at playing but their personality is way worse, IF they even have a personality so to speak (I highly doubt when I read that). And to be very very honest a personality, good character always counts first like there is one thing which a person can't buy from tour records or plenty of likes and this is a personality. A personality is, what not everyone can proudly define themselves of. So stay strong headed, I know it's harder to do than it is said, but you can proudly say that you have something, which these people don't have and probably won't ever get! Just stay strong, with your head ahigh! You are more worth than these people. Don't let you drag down by them. Keep your passion. <3
PS: On another sidenote, if your aim is to get better, smogon has a tutor section the B101, where experienced contributors and players help you on your path and way to get to be a better builder / battler, maybe that is something to consider? Just an idea :)
I've been a long time lurker in this thread, only posting competitive content for the longest of times for an obscure cartridge tier. I've gradually transitioned to interacting on other parts of Smogon and reading these stories above makes me want to share my experiences in the hope that others can find comfort in the fact that they are not alone and there are things you can do. There will be a lot left unsaid for a variety of reasons. I'll spoiler the stuff about myself as it's just there to give context.
It took me being rock bottom to actually start turning things around. I think some of my problems stemmed from the fact that I would look at other people and compare where I was at and ask myself why couldn't I be like that? The fact is, everyone is on their own individual journey. I like to compare it to the epic journey in The Lord of the Rings, one of my favourite series. In LOTR, the Fellowship is composed of many amazing individuals that begin their epic quest together at the same time to Destroy the One Ring. Frodo, Samwise, Merry and Pippin are not the Tallest, Wisest, Strongest, the most Eloquent or the most Handsome. They are Hobbits after all that have never been out of the Shire and are more used to multiple afternoon teas than adventure. Yet they all the same go on their heroic journey all the same that is no less insignificant than that taken by any of the others.
At some point in my mid 20s I realised that I'm a loser, I have no friends, I have some serious trust issues, I probably have some brain issues, I have a stammer, I've never been in a proper long term relationship, I'm working some shit minimum wage dead end job, have no purpose or energy in my life and actually that is OK. I'm fine with that. I'll be that person over trying to be something I'm not, than struggling to run away or hate things that are out of my control either permanently or at least for this moment. Ever since that realisation that took me years to come to, I've been a lot better. Of course there are bad days, these things never really go away but I found that instead of a huge weight crushing down on me I could work on the little things that I felt were achievable over a series of years. To try fix everything, you shouldn't do that it's impossible it will just paralyze you. For me, I reconnected with an old friend and we ended up sharing a flat, I am soon to be working in a job that actually pays somewhat well. There is still a lot to do, there will always be doubts, but that's the point of an epic journey is it not :3
My story with Depression starts just under 20 years ago at the offset of adolescence. I've always known I was a little bit strange, I've had a multitude issues from birth that have affected me developmentally. To give an example of one, I was born unable to hear and therefore never learned how to speak the way that babies normally do through imitating the sounds around them. It was because of this that Doctors suspected that I would never be able to Read or Write. As you are reading this, I suspect that you have already guessed that this turned out to be untrue. Eventually thanks to the wonders of modern healthcare I was able to regain my hearing. That being said, it did take several years longer than usual to learn to read (I was several years behind most people) and I still to this day can barely do written handwriting and have a stutter. I played catch up for a large part of my schooling life. This probably would have been fine on its own, but my brain also has some problems with it. I suspect those who have interacted with me for long enough might have realised this. I do not like to self diagnose such things and have never gone to get an official diagnosis for a multitude of reasons so I will leave it at that. At age 8-10, this was fine, I knew I was a bit different but for the most part I just enjoyed life. I liked Pokemon Red and Blue, I'd collect the cards, I caught them all, well all the ones that didn't require me to have to trade with other people.
I went to Highschool and that is where everything changed. My family moved from the UK to Japan, the first of many a move in my teenage years. Japan is a wonderful country where I learned many things including Japanese, however 11 year old me took this badly. I explained above how I was a bit of a weird kid, but I did actually have one friend from my primary school in the UK. He didn't have Pokemon so I couldn't catch them all, but we would play Populous the Beginning, Runescape and shitty Miniclip/Newgrounds games on the PC, stuff on the Playstation together and watch anime that I downloaded using LimeWire. When I left, we didn't reconnect again until I was 24 and ended up living together but that's a story for a different time. From the Age of 11, it took me another 7 years to get another person even resembling a friend in real life which I managed for my last year of Highschool at the 7th School I'd been to.
I was reading the manga for Shakugan no Shana around the time of me starting school in Japan which had recently come out where these crimson beings would murder people and leave behind only slivers of the person's soul which would eventually fade away so that person would forever be forgotten by the living. At first I did try making friends, but I was pretty easy to give up and when it wasn't working out I stopped trying. I used to pretend to be one of these ghosts at school and see how long I could go without having to say anything or interact with anyone as I used to think I was slowly fading out of existence. I probably spoke less than 200 words the entire year. I hated my real life, I didn't like this unknown environment I was in and I saw it as this boss battle that I would have to fight every day except the next day I'd have to fight the same battle but with lowered Max HP forever. Even to this day, I have to take over six months off if I wanted to switch my job just because I am that resistant to new things. I prepare for these eventualities now, but younger me went in blind. My only solace was games, manga and anime. I particularly enjoyed this one online game I played, it was one of the more popular games at the time and its main benefit was that it was something that you could pour in every second of your day into. I'm not going to mention the specific game merely because I don't want people looking up how dumb I was as a 14 year old.
I was crap at this game, but since I didn't want to interact with real life, I started to play this game more and learn and I got better and better. I started becoming one of the best, to the point where I'd actually get small amounts of money (nothing one could live off mind). What I actually got addicted to was not the game itself although I lived, breathed and dreamt of hypothetical situations in the game. Even though I taught myself how to read and write properly, how to code and wrote close to a hundred pages dissecting it at a theoretical level as a 15 year old just for a game, what I was actually addicted to was the way people looked and interacted with me through the computer screen just because I was good at this game that I never got from real life for a multitude of reasons and still have never had to this day. I used to play a persona on a forum not that dissimilar to Smogon that was not me but a different, more confident, more charismatic version of myself, whatever teenage me thought was cool at the time that I would later grow to hate. The more my stock went up in the virtual world, the more I resented the way I was in the real world, the way I looked, the way I sounded, how I couldn't think of anything to say or have anything to contribute to anything, that I couldn't achieve anything by just being me and I had to put on a mask and manipulate others into giving me the time of day and that it actually worked even to the point that it was how I lost my virginity.
It did save my life, but it also eventually ended up ruining it. I left my real life and went into this life so hard that I would spend 20 hours a day and often not sleep just playing one game and I would end up dropping out of School and Life. I spent nearly a year as a Hikikomori living off various savings until I ended up with no money whatsoever and no home. I do not want to mention what my plan was after I ran out of money. I continued to play as I slowly got myself back on my feet in my 20s. As with all games, they have a lifecycle. When Pay to Win features were introduced, all my work over 10+ years in terms of skill, dedication and game knowledge was made irrelevant under the storm of people willing to spend $10,000s just to say they won. So I quit. I have never had that feeling that I got from playing that game ever since and it still bothers me to this day sometimes that I have to live with the person I spent so long trying to escape. It was actually around this time that I joined Smogon, I know that I will never be good at Competitive Pokemon and that's Okay, I cannot risk the obsession I had just to be the best and get that cheap high and I've been pretty strict about not getting too involved and trying to just have fun. I've had other issues, such as one with drinking heavy amounts of Alcohol that resulted from me quitting and losing my purpose but I've mostly gotten over it. I could go through specific things that happened, but I slowly worked on myself for several years until this day where despite everything and really fixing nothing, I feel a lot better.
I can't say that I can relate to other people's issues, there are a lot of things that I haven't mentioned here, those to do with sexual assault as a minor and some of my trust issues merely because they are ancillary issues at least for me personally but for a lot of my life I have spent it so alone and continue to to this day so the relationship stuff in particular I can't really relate it to something I've experienced at all. I just want people to know they aren't alone in how they are feeling.
I went to Highschool and that is where everything changed. My family moved from the UK to Japan, the first of many a move in my teenage years. Japan is a wonderful country where I learned many things including Japanese, however 11 year old me took this badly. I explained above how I was a bit of a weird kid, but I did actually have one friend from my primary school in the UK. He didn't have Pokemon so I couldn't catch them all, but we would play Populous the Beginning, Runescape and shitty Miniclip/Newgrounds games on the PC, stuff on the Playstation together and watch anime that I downloaded using LimeWire. When I left, we didn't reconnect again until I was 24 and ended up living together but that's a story for a different time. From the Age of 11, it took me another 7 years to get another person even resembling a friend in real life which I managed for my last year of Highschool at the 7th School I'd been to.
I was reading the manga for Shakugan no Shana around the time of me starting school in Japan which had recently come out where these crimson beings would murder people and leave behind only slivers of the person's soul which would eventually fade away so that person would forever be forgotten by the living. At first I did try making friends, but I was pretty easy to give up and when it wasn't working out I stopped trying. I used to pretend to be one of these ghosts at school and see how long I could go without having to say anything or interact with anyone as I used to think I was slowly fading out of existence. I probably spoke less than 200 words the entire year. I hated my real life, I didn't like this unknown environment I was in and I saw it as this boss battle that I would have to fight every day except the next day I'd have to fight the same battle but with lowered Max HP forever. Even to this day, I have to take over six months off if I wanted to switch my job just because I am that resistant to new things. I prepare for these eventualities now, but younger me went in blind. My only solace was games, manga and anime. I particularly enjoyed this one online game I played, it was one of the more popular games at the time and its main benefit was that it was something that you could pour in every second of your day into. I'm not going to mention the specific game merely because I don't want people looking up how dumb I was as a 14 year old.
I was crap at this game, but since I didn't want to interact with real life, I started to play this game more and learn and I got better and better. I started becoming one of the best, to the point where I'd actually get small amounts of money (nothing one could live off mind). What I actually got addicted to was not the game itself although I lived, breathed and dreamt of hypothetical situations in the game. Even though I taught myself how to read and write properly, how to code and wrote close to a hundred pages dissecting it at a theoretical level as a 15 year old just for a game, what I was actually addicted to was the way people looked and interacted with me through the computer screen just because I was good at this game that I never got from real life for a multitude of reasons and still have never had to this day. I used to play a persona on a forum not that dissimilar to Smogon that was not me but a different, more confident, more charismatic version of myself, whatever teenage me thought was cool at the time that I would later grow to hate. The more my stock went up in the virtual world, the more I resented the way I was in the real world, the way I looked, the way I sounded, how I couldn't think of anything to say or have anything to contribute to anything, that I couldn't achieve anything by just being me and I had to put on a mask and manipulate others into giving me the time of day and that it actually worked even to the point that it was how I lost my virginity.
It did save my life, but it also eventually ended up ruining it. I left my real life and went into this life so hard that I would spend 20 hours a day and often not sleep just playing one game and I would end up dropping out of School and Life. I spent nearly a year as a Hikikomori living off various savings until I ended up with no money whatsoever and no home. I do not want to mention what my plan was after I ran out of money. I continued to play as I slowly got myself back on my feet in my 20s. As with all games, they have a lifecycle. When Pay to Win features were introduced, all my work over 10+ years in terms of skill, dedication and game knowledge was made irrelevant under the storm of people willing to spend $10,000s just to say they won. So I quit. I have never had that feeling that I got from playing that game ever since and it still bothers me to this day sometimes that I have to live with the person I spent so long trying to escape. It was actually around this time that I joined Smogon, I know that I will never be good at Competitive Pokemon and that's Okay, I cannot risk the obsession I had just to be the best and get that cheap high and I've been pretty strict about not getting too involved and trying to just have fun. I've had other issues, such as one with drinking heavy amounts of Alcohol that resulted from me quitting and losing my purpose but I've mostly gotten over it. I could go through specific things that happened, but I slowly worked on myself for several years until this day where despite everything and really fixing nothing, I feel a lot better.
I can't say that I can relate to other people's issues, there are a lot of things that I haven't mentioned here, those to do with sexual assault as a minor and some of my trust issues merely because they are ancillary issues at least for me personally but for a lot of my life I have spent it so alone and continue to to this day so the relationship stuff in particular I can't really relate it to something I've experienced at all. I just want people to know they aren't alone in how they are feeling.
It took me being rock bottom to actually start turning things around. I think some of my problems stemmed from the fact that I would look at other people and compare where I was at and ask myself why couldn't I be like that? The fact is, everyone is on their own individual journey. I like to compare it to the epic journey in The Lord of the Rings, one of my favourite series. In LOTR, the Fellowship is composed of many amazing individuals that begin their epic quest together at the same time to Destroy the One Ring. Frodo, Samwise, Merry and Pippin are not the Tallest, Wisest, Strongest, the most Eloquent or the most Handsome. They are Hobbits after all that have never been out of the Shire and are more used to multiple afternoon teas than adventure. Yet they all the same go on their heroic journey all the same that is no less insignificant than that taken by any of the others.
At some point in my mid 20s I realised that I'm a loser, I have no friends, I have some serious trust issues, I probably have some brain issues, I have a stammer, I've never been in a proper long term relationship, I'm working some shit minimum wage dead end job, have no purpose or energy in my life and actually that is OK. I'm fine with that. I'll be that person over trying to be something I'm not, than struggling to run away or hate things that are out of my control either permanently or at least for this moment. Ever since that realisation that took me years to come to, I've been a lot better. Of course there are bad days, these things never really go away but I found that instead of a huge weight crushing down on me I could work on the little things that I felt were achievable over a series of years. To try fix everything, you shouldn't do that it's impossible it will just paralyze you. For me, I reconnected with an old friend and we ended up sharing a flat, I am soon to be working in a job that actually pays somewhat well. There is still a lot to do, there will always be doubts, but that's the point of an epic journey is it not :3
At first I thought it was all bullshit. People getting better and stuff. I'd laugh ironically and say "this is crap, I just want this all to end". But now I think I'm feeling better. Therapy has helped me a lot. Crossfit and gym too. And gaming (thank you Celeste, Hollow Knight, Undertale, Pokémon, Digimon, Smash, etc.). And music. And my family and friends. After struggling for a long while, I think I'm feeling a tad better. I think I remember how it feels to be happy again. I love you all so much, my friends (specially the ones from the NU room*. I'd tag you all here but idk, I'm kinda embarassed lol. not in a bad way, in a funny way. the way that makes you wanna smile), thank you for helping me through tough times. I'm still battling against depression, but I finally feel like I'm winning.
*ps: i think you're gonna see this katy, so thank you so much for being my friend. you've saved me many times. i love you very much. :)
i wanna cry but this time it's happy crying xD
*ps: i think you're gonna see this katy, so thank you so much for being my friend. you've saved me many times. i love you very much. :)
i wanna cry but this time it's happy crying xD
Does anybody here have OCD? my mental state has been in shambles since June because of intrusive thoughts, and after doing research in 90% sure I might have OCD considering how much it lines up with not only my current issues, but stuff that happened in the past, even as recent as a few weeks before these major intrusive thoughts began
Last edited:
Don’t you ever feel you just so overwhelmed that’s how I feeling now. After this year starting off things changed. After finally move forward after my dads death last year I had some peace in the beginning of this year. Then a few months ago I tore my Achilles’ tendon after playing basketball a favorite hobby of mine (besides mons and working out) made me feel I had the worst luck ever…I was out of work for two months due to this injury cost me so much money and hurt me financially. Although better I’m still not yet 100. But now my mom is having an episode again (she has schizoaffective disorder) and she doesn’t wanna take her meds. This is really the icing on the cake im just so tired it’s like a never ending cycle. I plead with my mom to take her meds and she becomes hostile. It’s affecting me mentally to the point where I feel the only way to get away is to cut her off or take my life. I already feel worthless. My girlfriend is the only thing making me happy. Yesterday we celebate her birthday but I couldn’t be 100 percent happy because I worry about my mom. Ik just so depressed I don’t find much excitement in life anymore.I try to be happy and make others smile but deep down I’m not ok either. It’s hard to remain strong sometimes. It’s been such a long time since I actually had a peace of mind. I just don’t know how much longer I can do this. From when I was young…from my father not being around due to excessive alcohol addiction , to homelessness, to my mothers mental illness it’s like I can’t never catch a fucking break.
Hello,
i have a OCD; It's called compulsive cleaning disorder, which means, that I am always doing wayyyy more than I actually should do when I clean up my apartment. It's coupled with a fear / phobia to bacterias and other infectious things, which makes that even worse.
It makes me clean up my apartment a lot + I desinfect it always multiple times, before I clean it up and also after I'm done with cleaning I desinfect it again, multiple times. Coupled with the bacteria phobia, I cannot go out like a usual person can. I cannot touch objects without me having basically multiple layers of desinfecting towls as a protection to bacterias.
I also clean up and wash my hands a lot of times, probably more than others do. Like very excessive and very long.
I seek psychotherapy because of this and it calmed a bit down recently, and I hope it will stay that way. The best thing you can do is try to get a specialist / good therapist in this case to get a proper diagnosis and proper treatment, as OCD can be very hard to control otherwise.
And ye OCD can lead to a lot of things, it goes wayyyy beyond that, it can make the general life very difficult that it can lead to depressions, anxiety, and other symptoms.
Well I definitely have depression and anxiety
I don't know if I have a specific obsession. Sometimes I get intrusive thoughts about things as small as me not being able to visualize things perfectly, sometimes it's about major things like my sexuality and my most recent thoughts. I suppose my compulsion would be me trying to "fix" the obsession. Get rid of the intrusive thoughts, which eventually becomes an obsession in of itself. Other compulsions are just doing anything to distract myself from the intrusive thoughts, which can become detrimental because it's the only thing I want to do, which impacts my socialization, school, and other stuff. If I'm gonna be honest that might be the main reason I got so big into Pokemon. It served as a major distraction to me just because there's a lot of stuff to do relating to it. Play the games, collect cards, watch the Anime, come up with new Pokemon ideas, play competitively, etc. It's hard for me to run out of stuff to do compared to other distractions
My mom has OCD, but I still don't think she'd let me get tested. I asked if I could get tested for ADHD (something else I think I may have) and it took me telling her that my friend and barber for her to consider bringing it up with my doctor on our next visit (I'm a cancer survivor so I have to get checked up every now and then). I'm just gonna wait until I'm 18 and go see a psychologist myself, if I have the money that is (thanks America)
Last edited:
I hope you get the chance soon to let yourself get treated or diagnosed. It's very important to know what else you have besides the OCD, because that is very vital for coming up with a plan to treat that in a therapy, I really really hope your mom lets you get tested about all these things, especially as a cancer survivor she should in my opinion get everything going to make your life even better, as you have been going through enough in your life already.
And I can understand you having the heavy thoughts of distracting yourself with anything you can, I would be like that too, if Im being honest, since dstractions in such cases are always the best way to basically cope with the situation. I for myself distract me alot with youtube videos, documentaries, and things like that. I hope that you feel better soon, despite the healthcare system in america sucks, but I do really hope you will find someone who can help you, and your mom will help you in this case. She should not be that stubborn, she should be helpful and supportive and I can understand If you are sad about this situation.
But stay strong, there is always a light on the horizon and if you want, my PMs are always open for a vent and such!