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ivar said:
i think that given a large enough population, despite differences between people, most can be categorized into people you like and people you don't and people you really like. being "fake" (please stop using that annoying term like it actually means anything) popular will cause you to meet those same amount of people as being totally authentic and for real. at the end of the day, me the empty popular guy compared to the brown family friends guy probably have the same amount of valued friendships, despite the differences in approach. and i probably have a lot more acquaintances to boot, meaning i have more diverse options for going out and getting girls (and yet i am on smogon regularly :p) and still have good friends. and so many of these "be yourself" kiddos who talk about how popularity is so overrated seem depressed and unsatisfied with their lives. and somehow i'm in the wrong.
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please explain how associating yourself with other people because you're acting different gives you friends. Because if they don't know you it will come back and snap at you one day. What you're talking about there is popularity. Popularity is different to having friends mate.

You want friends? be yourself.

You want to be popular? I don't think you can "make" yourself popular. It's just in some people's gene's to be naturally talented in some areas (sports, humour, w/e).

Although almost people I know irl would call me popular, I'd take friends over them any day. A popular guy might get a few girlfriends for a few weeks maybe. Someone with a real friendship is capable of a longer lasting relationship. If you find yourself in a load of shit one day, being popular isn't going to bail you out, having friends is.

that's my view anyway

Edit: read your post again, and in no way does being popular give you more opportunities. You like someone and want to get to know them, that's up to you and your balls to go and do it, not "being popular gives you access to more people" bullshit. Being popular might make it easier, admittedly
 
As ranking old timer (i think?) The thing to do it just be yourself. the most popular people are the ones who are confident in themselves and who are real. Just KNOW your an amazing person and others will be drawn to that. make no appologize for being yourself and just do it :)
 
lord berserker have you considered that the op doesn't care about anything YOU post? anyways, that's not good point on either of our part considering neither of us has a clue as to what the op is taking seriously or not.

honestly being yourself is just BAD advice. being yourself doesn't lead to a more satisfied life, it's impossible to even understand (what is being myself even mean?), it's vague and pointless advice. striving for popularity has tangible benefits and the only thing stopping anyone from actively pursuing it is fear of superficiality--another made up, romantic concept, like "true love" and lots of other advertisement bull such as "the good ol' days".

popular people generally are happier. who doesn't want to be happy? but then it becomes a matter of being the right kind of happy, which is totally absurd. what does that even mean? it makes no sense.

you guys also need to calm down. i'm offering an alternative perspective instead of tired "be yourself" advice. just because it is unorthodox doesn't mean you have to have a hissy fit.

how about EXPLAIN HOW TO BE YOURSELF. it's not some easy thing to do because not everyone clearly understands who they are, especially in the adolescent formative years. can you do it? and even if you can, can you verify that you are right? i doubt it. there is no remotely scientific model (not even for philosophical or psychology standards).

also, explain how being yourself leads to the promise land of fulfillment WITHOUT begging the question. begging the question is circular reasoning, meaning your conclusion is a restating of a premise. so you might say that being yourself leads you to having true friends. but how does that lead to fulfillment. because true friends are real. but how does something that is real lead to fulfillment or anything worthwhile? because you are being yourself, which is just begging the question.

so if there's nothing tangible to understand from it and it is philosophically uninteresting, then why bother with being your "true self". how do you even know if you are being your true self? you could think you are but maybe you're wrong. who knows. best example is christian homosexual males who take straight counseling advice... they think they are on the road to their true, heterosexual selves, but are they really? they are probably wrong and are seriously underestimating the biological disposition toward a particular sexuality.

basically, being yourself has no tangible and measurable benefits, it's impossible to describe how to achieve a state of "true self", it's possible to fudge up being your "true self", and nobody really understands truly what it even means given it's such a vague concept. and in what universe would this be considered good advice?

not only that, but i honestly think it's impossible to not be yourself. after all, you are yourself. even if you shmooze people by being disingenuous, you are still being yourself, which is a sophist or crook politician, or yeah a shmoozer obviously. so if we are always ourselves how is this good advice? clearly the op was being himself since we can't help but be ourselves (assuming you prescribe to my theory here) and it wasn't working for him and obviously hasn't been working for A LOT of people.

or how about someone with ZERO friends. period, not even acquaintances. so he is not being his true self? what if he is a functioning autistic who wants friends and he can't help but be his true, friendless self? will that advice be any good? obviously this doesn't apply to the op, but it's a criticism of the advice so many people give that being yourself applies ubiquitously. like seriously are you guys still in pre school or something? are you not AT ALL cynical about the dirty underbelly of humanity? it is a disgusting thing and only very recently has it made some reforms, but the dirt of our ancestor's natures of inhumanity is always lurking. so why is it so hard to believe that the best way to make friends is not according to who you are, but your social status, your good looks, your appreciated skills and talents, etc?
 
Perhaps it is you who is not being the cynic? People can usually tell when you're "faking it" and reject you because most people simply do not have the acting capabilities to put on a false persona. I will cite Sprinkles as an example. Although he is very friendly, he really does try to hard. I personally have no problem with him, but were it not for his trying to be popular he might actually be. Similarly, if you follow around the popular kids making jokes and dressing like them, they will eventually hate you for your lack of originality. In order to fit in you must stand out, and usually doing and saying what you want will make you stand out. If it does not, acting the opposite way will only dig you further into social isolation. Does this mean that all people are not capable of rendering a new self and abusing the new persona? No. Some people are, but the majority of people cannot so easily manipulate people. The OP obviously cannot use your means of gaining friendship or he would have already used it, as such cunning typically is gained naturally, not through the advice of someone over the internet.
 
ivar said:
or how about someone with ZERO friends. period, not even acquaintances. so he is not being his true self? what if he is a functioning autistic who wants friends and he can't help but be his true, friendless self? will that advice be any good? obviously this doesn't apply to the op, but it's a criticism of the advice so many people give that being yourself applies ubiquitously. like seriously are you guys still in pre school or something? are you not AT ALL cynical about the dirty underbelly of humanity? it is a disgusting thing and only very recently has it made some reforms, but the dirt of our ancestor's natures of inhumanity is always lurking. so why is it so hard to believe that the best way to make friends is not according to who you are, but your social status, your good looks, your appreciated skills and talents, etc?
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That's me. And I agree 100% with this. Some people just aren't meant to have friends, they're not what other people expect from a friend. I know about 3 people who might be considered my friends. I haven't spoken to any of them in about 2-3 months, so some might just consider them acquaintances.
On the other hand, someone like me, who might not be meant to have friends, also doesn't care about getting any. People always say "Be yourself" and that's what I always do. And Nobody likes that lol. I could care less if people like me or not though. I've never really had many friends and I don't think I need them.
Internet people don't count. I know plenty of people online that are friends. There's just something about real life that people don't like about me. It might be that IRL, I can't just stop and think about what to say for as long as I want. IRL people expect fast iteraction, online I can take my sweet time, and they think i'm AFK or I can tell them I'm AFK when I was actually thinking of something to say. Another thing that I have Online that I don't have IRL is "lol" I can reply with "lol" to just about anything. IRL I can't just say three letters. So most of the time when I don't know what to say I just don't say anything and I'm thinking to myself: "So what the fuck do you want me to say? Nobody cares about that." That might make me a horrible person, but again, I don't care about it, nor do I care what other people think about it.
 
ivar, by be yourself we mean don't pretend to like / dislike things because of what the group you're trying to hang out with might think. The group you're trying to hang out with probably isn't the one you should be hanging out with.

As for happy, as I mentioned before, your method works in the short-term during the few years you're in high school if status is what makes you happy.

The example of a gay man who takes "straight counseling" is exactly what you're trying to promote. We're arguing against that.

Again, we are all speaking from experience. You attained happiness during high school by being a poser. People talked behind your back and called you a douche, but you didn't care because you didn't hear them. They were "below" you. After high school, you had no contact with those people and made new short-term friends you'll lose in the near future. They won't be there for you when times are tough down the road and they'll probably not even think about you when a career opportunity comes around because you were just another guy they smoked weed with - nobody noteworthy. If that worked for you, good for ya.

The rest of us followed the "be yourself" mantra that we've been saying in this topic and it has worked out pretty well. After all, if I were like you I would never have had my friends introduce me to competitive Pokemon and I wouldn't be posting here now!
 
If you're into sports... does your school have any teams? Or even clubs? Get in on that-- if your teammates see your worth and enthusiasm, they'll bro it up with you and begin to catcall to you in the halls (probably with a wonderfully inane sports-nickname if you earned one), that kind of thing. One of my friends was very quiet and "dorky" but as soon as he started rocking the soccer team, he was chumming it up with the dudes, it was neat.

Anyway, involving yourself in activities, clubs, etc, is all good. You're right about just randomly talking to people, but laugh, be accessible, that kind of thing. Hard to explain. Be a liiittle more gregarious than you might on your own. I call it 'selective exhibitionism'. Choose the situations where you can stick out and stick out well-- also shield any and all embarrassment. I make a damn fool of myself a lot, but if you learn to find it hilarious it gets better, lol
 
The best way to make friends and a great impression is to have great social skills. Most people put more value on communication than they think. Being a Psychology/Sociology major I know of a study that was done to see how people treat someone with a facial deformity. Long story short, an actor had his face temporarily stained and spoke very meekly towards others. These people were actually avoiding him and if they did talk to him it was short responses. However, on another test the actor talked like he normally did and engaged in conversations with others. By speaking loud, clearly, and with full confidence the people looked past the "deformity" and were engaging in conversations with him.

I guess what I am trying to say in all this is to just focus on communication better. Be able to input your own opinions about a certain topic instead of just jumping on the bandwagon. It is important to be yourself, of course, but do not try to be someone you are not because it is a pain to maintain. Don't try to befriend only the "Jocks" or the "Preppies" because you will be severely limiting or even missing out on true friends.

Just treat everyone the same and just get your name around the different social groups, and finally find one you fit into perfectly.
 
My main problem is that when I'm with a new group of people, I get really shy and I don't make a good first impression
 
Ok, heres what you should do.
Be yourself, don't go for being popular as the first thing you want to do in high school. Make a small group of friends, like really good friends you can trust, and make them like you. And if you call the other Indian people in your school "nerds" it makes you seem egotistic, and not many people will like that. Maybe they are pretty nice people, going after making friends with popular people will make you seem like a wannabe.

I have never been a fan of being popular. I was always myself and that usually worked, I have a good group of friends that I hang around alot. Then other people come in and become my friends. It usually works out that way.
 
You know what? I shared the exact same predicament as you once upon a long time ago in a not so far away city that isn't a kingdom. Seriously, its like looking in a mirror, about five or so years ago for me. I am an Indian-American (1st gen), I'm rather shy, I enjoy playing sports, I'm a closet Pokémon fan, and was perceived to be a study-heavy, socially awkward nerd archetype.

The thing is, I do differ in the fact that I retain some of India's culture within me. My parents are Christian though, so I don't observe/follow many of the Hindu-inspired traditions/customs/holidays. However, I was brought up in a tri-lingual home (Telugu, Hindi & English) and was taught to speak all of those languages, utilizing correct grammar (for the most part, I such at English grammar to this day. I blame it on society) and such. I eat Indian food on a daily basis and frequently go to Indian church gatherings on important holidays.

So, coming where you are from, I only have to say this. Don't try to be cool dude. Just be who you are. Are you the study-heavy type? Go for it, don't be forced into it via stereotypical assumptions or parents. Putting on facades for the entertainment of the masses is just a stupid way to hurt your self-esteem and eventually leads up to a grand fall for all to witness. Either way, the friends that you will amass under your facade aren't your true friends, just people who like your fake life.

Come high-school, you will acquaint yourself with everyone in the school and will be generally friendly with everyone. Don't stress it, getting to befriend/acquaint yourself takes time.
 
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You can get good at sports by practicing. It's like this with everything. Practice, practice, practice. Also, don't try too hard to be 'cool' or whatever, people notice.
 
You might want to take a closer look at the posts in your thread that was just closed, various good points were brought up.
 
You seem to be missing what makes the people on the sports teams have more friends than you: they spend a lot of time with people who enjoy the same types of things they do. It's not "ooooh, he's so muscley, I want to be his buddy". Being a nerd isn't necessarily a bad thing; just find other nerds who enjoy what you enjoy. Don't feel "intimidated" or anything if other members of the group seem to have a much closer bond already, that'll come with time.
 
Personally, if it's high school level, you might not have the chance to join the team, unless you start working out starting now. To join football in Freshman year, the school enrolled us in a football camp (big, angry, black men yelling at us while we ran and carried weights.) Everyone that made it through the regimen was accepted into the team. I'd suggest exercising/working out starting now and trying out next year.

Pertaining to respect, you don't need to be on a sports team to gain it. Lots of my friends aren't on sports teams yet carry themselves as respectable individuals in my school.
 
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listen awhile and find out what people are talking about, what they like. friends are easier to make when you share the same interests. and if you don't know what they're talking about go find out, you might like it too. and first impressions will fade

good luck; you have a whole 3 pages of people trying to help you out :toast:
 
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I checked your locked thread and def you dont need to try that hard. If you think sports would make you into a "respectable" person, then you got some issues to work with within yourself. You don't want to be labeled as a "nerd," but then you are one shy kid.

I dunno in high school, shit just came naturally to me. Although I was pretty shy during 9th grade because I was still getting to use the environment. I did play for my school team in 9th grade (bench warmer), but I was one of the most instrumental players on the team during 10th grade as a PG. I found that 10th grade, I was just more chill with shit and started to gain more confidence because I just wanted to have fun and expressed myself to other ppl in what I thought was fun. Sure, basketball boosted my rep, but I was able to perform in high levels because I was very confident in myself. I didnt have to worry about other things. You just have to stop worryin about too much shit. People aren't as scary as you think. People love confident ppl and you 4real need to start opening up. Stop being shy and have fun expressing yourself. Hell, you are labeled as a "nerd" so you one smart kid, go help out some chicks with some tutoring or something lol.

Oh one more thing, unless you naturally athletic in size (height, weight, body composition, etc), you aint gonna be good in those sports quick. It takes a lot of yearly dedication (played basketball since elementary school to be good now) especially if you wanna be a star on it. Over the years of dedication, you just find out what works and what dont. You refine, in this case basketball, your shooting motion, footwork, etc. As you play more basketball games, your IQ also builds up so you can get a better sense of the field of basketball knowing how/when to pass a ball, play good team defense, improving transitional/man-man d, finding your teammates, etc.
 
Being cool is a stereotype, you don't want false and glorified popularity, without any substance to back it up.

Just be yourself and work on your personality, if you are sure of who you are then i'm sure others will identify with you. You don't look for friends, you get friends when you least expect them, and the best way is to talk to people.

For sports, practice makes wonders. Almost anyone can play sports at an acceptable level if they compromise and work on it. Of course, you have to play sports for the right reasons (because you like them, not to impress others).
 
Trying to be someone other than yourself gets really irksome after about an hour.

Really, if you just be who you are you should come out at the end of the day with at least a couple of freinds. And hey, you just get more freinds as you go along!
 
Have you heard of the saying "i'd rather be hated for who i am, than liked for who i am not" ?

Your life is about you: if people have a problem with that, then seriously fuck them. You will get respect for standing up to shit like that.

Also there is no "get rich quick option" in this sort of thing. Being in a soccer or athletics team doesn't instantly make you popular. What you will often find in this sort of thing, is that it can take ages to build up popularity or respect, and only seconds to lose it all.
 
You do realize that after high-school, you will most likely have limited contact with the people you so greatly want false affection from? That is, if you have any contact with them at all. Remember, fawning over the "popular" people/groups in your school will provide you little to nothing in your preparation for life ahead. High-school only lasts four years, and most people enter it with a generally gregarious attitude to others, or stick to their own groups/selves. When you leave, you'll be introduced to hundreds, even thousands, of other people. Strive for the future, not the past and present. You'll probably end up making a fool of yourself if you join a team for the sole purpose of becoming popular. It's not like we haven't seen those people in our respective schools. We have eyes, ears, and a mind as well (as do your peers.)
 
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I disagree with doing something primarily to become popular. You should do something because you enjoy it. If it makes you popular, that's just an added bonus.

That being said, I'm an athlete so I can probably help with your dilemma. The first thing you need to do is figure out what position you want to play in each sport. For basketball it's pretty simple. If you're tall (6 foot+ range) your best bet is center. If you're short, (below 5' 10"), probably your only hope is point guard. If you're in between, probably a forward (if your school uses them). Once you figure that out you can start getting ready.

A point guard's job is primarily to pass the ball to the real shooters (either to a forward for an outside shot, or to the center for a lay-up). You need to keep your eyes on everybody on the court while dribbling the ball and be able to make good passes, while also having at least a moderate ability to shoot the ball. To practice being a point guard, I would suggest dribbling drills (one handed dribbling, switching hands, eventually learning how to spin round, etc.), mixed in with passing drills (get a friend and do chest passes as well as bounce passes and go over in your mind when you would use each of them). Take a few shots (especially three point shots), but don't be overly concerned with that. Mostly focus on being a good passer and a leader. You need good ball control to be a successful point guard.

For playing center, really your main job is to be big. You won't be taking many shots from further than about 2 feet from the basket. For forward you really just need to practice your lay-ups and focus on your defense, because that's the center's main job. They count on you to block shots in the paint (the painted area near the basket), and they count on you to overpower the other players. That means you need to be strong. Also, get used to the method of catching the ball from the point guard, taking one dribble TOWARDS the basket, and then jumping towards the basket to score. That's your bread and butter.

For playing forward, really, just practice your shooting. ESPECIALLY the three point shots. You are their go-to-guy when they need points. You really shouldn't be passing unless you can not get a clean shot off. Dribbling is still fairly important, since if you can't get a good shot off from the key or the three point line, they'll expect you to drive to the basket (dribble towards the basket strongly and quickly to set yourself up for a better shot.

What to work on for ALL positions: defense and running. Defense is important at every position. Keep your arms out and stay low. You should be trying to swat at the ball with one hand while trying to block potential passes with the other. Also, no matter what position you play, HUSTLE is key. After you score or the other team (or your team) gets the ball, you need to HUSTLE down to the other side to set up. The only exception for this is when the point guard dribbles the ball down on offense. Only then will you be taking your time because you need to let your team set up. That should be enough t get you by, your coach can go over the finer points of the game.


Now football... that's a completely different beast. Football has a LOT of possible positions to play. I won't go over what to practice until I get some specifics on you. I need to know if you're big or small (both tall and strong/fat), if you're fast or slow, if you're god at catching, how smart you are, how fats you think on your feet, and if you are good at throwing and/or catching. Also if you have strong legs, that helps at a lot of positions, but also has a couple positions all to itself (punter, kicker).

I will tell you this, though. No matter where you play you NEED to be strong, and you also need to be able to run for extended periods of time at most positions.


I must say, now is NOT the time to be learning a sport. Chances are pretty slim you'll make a high school team with no prior experience unless they are awful, in which case I don't know why you want to join the teams anyways. You really shouldn't even bother unless you genuinely enjoy the sports.
 
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