CAP 13 CAP 2 - Part 14 - Pokedex Entry Submissions

[Mafeking]

Here is my Final Submission.

Necturna, the Pale Sage Pokemon.

White: Necturna lurks amongst the trees of dense forests. Its vine is a fierce weapon, but Necturna only strikes when it senses danger.
Black: A spectral form of the woes of the forest, Necturna protects the surrounding nature from further harm.

Justification (Species Name): Edited to become two words, despite my personal tastes. However, I feel "Pale Sage" works because ghosts are often described as "pale" and it also gives notice to Necturna's white coloring. "Sage" works as a double-meaning by drawing images of both a spiritual force and the plant, which is often used as a medicinal herb (adding to Necturna's protective nature).

Justification (White): Didn't edit a whole lot here. "Lurks" subs in for "shadows" because it allows for a greater Ghost-type feel instead of the portrayed Dark-type vibe that I was getting. The vine portion notes its high Attack power, its role as a guardian in that it isn't too vicious, and throws in the "Forewarn" ability by sensing danger.

Justification (Black): Didn't change anything here. I'm really happy with this. Really think I conveyed the Grass/Ghost typing here and also Necturna's guardian role.

--SUBMISSION END--

Black: It can be heard chanting eerily in the night. It is rumored that it can communicate with the dead.

One thing of note here is that, though it obviously contains fangs and is capable of using them, Necturna's artwork appears to lack an actual mouth except for the sewn-on one in the dress. As such, perhaps notating that it chants telepathically would be a good idea? After all, its DW ability is Telepathy (doesn't do the same thing but you know what I mean by the relationship) and that could be a flavor thing?

White: Necturna's jaws are capable of consuming both its prey's body and its spirit.

This might be overboard and would take too long / too many words to convey, but perhaps noting that it eats the body and the spirit via separate actions would be good? Eating the body with the vine's physical mouth and absorbing the soul through her arms or even the eyes on the dress? I like this one though.

I'm sorry if "eerily" might seem a bit complex, but when Dusknoir uses "pliant" and Dewott uses made up words like "scalchop," I feel justified in using it as a descriptor!

If "eerily" is considered too complex then I don't want to know what reading level kids these days are on. (Assuming we're going on the standard that it's typically younger kids who play Pokemon [though not competitively!].) Besides, "Ominous Wind" is an attack name, and ominous is probably less well known than eerily.

 

[Tortferngatr]

Necturna: Vine Maiden Pokemon pun on Shrine Maiden.

White: Shrines and gardens kept by Necturna will remain eerily green and beautiful long after others crumble and wither. They communicate with spirits from the afterlife.
Basically Necturna's backstory.
Black: Tests on Necturna's abilities have confirmed that it reacts strongly to images and icons, channeling great power from the afterlife to guard them. Woe be unto the robber who enters a Necturna-guarded shrine.
A hint at Sketch.

 

[remetagross]

Final submission:
Necturna, Dusk Pokemon
White: One can see them wandering nearby damaged forests after a storm or an inferno. They are said to embody the nature's mourn.
Black: A Necturna was once seen draining life from a young willow until it dried up to make a dead bramble flourish again.

 

[Unitas]

[B]Final Submission.B]Necturna[/B]

The Sixth Sense Pokemon

White: This pokemon has a strong relation ship with the dead. It is said she can see the dead on the Earth.

Black: Necturna sometimes gives people the power to see the dead. This is how we see ghostsFinal Submission.

 

[Son_of_Shadoo]

Final Submission

Species: Flora Spirit Pokémon.
Black Dex: It has been used by mediums for hundreds of years to lure the spirits of the dead to séances.
White Dex: Its sweet aroma is said to be able to reach the afterlife and the wandering spirits within.

Notes: "It" is used as the pronoun for the same reasons as FlareBlitz. I agonised over the name before concluding that Flora Spirit was the best way to convey both types at once. Ditto the dex entries. Black focusses on its use by people, White focusses on the more natural aspect of it (ie the aroma). I felt this was somewhat comparable to Opelucid City, which in Black is incredibly futuristic and developed, whereas White is in much more harmony with nature (Black City/White Forest is also a valid comparison).

 

[DougJustDoug]

In general, I think many of the dex entries submitted in this thread are trying too hard to be dark and macabre. Yeah, I get that Necturna is a Ghost-type and the entry is going to be slanted that way. But don't try so hard at it. Subtlety is far more effective than in-your-face evil awesome sauce.

These are a few that stood out to me:

Necturna

The Essence Pokemon

Black: This ghastly Pokemon is said to be able to communicate with spirits. When in the location of a past great tragedy, it shudders violently.

White: An alluring Pokemon that communicates with spirits and senses strong emotion. She uses these abilities to escape predators and evil humans.

The Black entry is the great one here. The White entry needs to be reworked completely.

Necturna, the Pale Sage Pokemon.

White: Necturna lurks amongst the trees of dense forests. Its vine is a fierce weapon, but Necturna only strikes when it senses danger.
Black: A spectral form of the woes of the forest, Necturna protects the surrounding nature from futher harm.

This is the best combined pair in the thread that I have read. They relate together quite well. The wording is just right too. Fix the spelling typo.

 

[capefeather]

While I appreciate well-crafted, stand-out writing in the dex entries as much as anyone else, I feel that most of the entries that have been marked as "standing out" have some flaws that I just can't let go of. For example, Temperantia's Black entry is great without any context, but it references the wrong ability. As for Deck Knight's... yeah, I can't vote for that one. Doug and Wyverii have pointed out the flaws in the other submissions they highlighted already. I'm sure they can be fixed etc. but I would like to make sure that they are fixed.

I think some of the mentioned submissions can be combined into something like:

Black: It lives in dense, desolate forests. Visitors who mistreat Necturna's habitat are never seen again.

White: It is guided by deceased spirits. It weeps when it forsees great tragedy.

Maybe this could be a serious submission, idk. It might be kind of a problem that it's just synthesized from other people's ideas, so I guess people can just treat this as a suggestion...

 

[Rising_Dusk]

I don't mind macabre. One thing I've noticed about BW is that they took gruesome to a whole new level with dex entries via soul stealing, mummification, eating humans, and God knows what else; it doesn't surprise me with this CAP because Yilx made specific secondary art that emphasized the devious and terrible nature of Necturna. For that reason, I'll humor some of the more terrifying entries. I do think Doug makes a very valid point, however; a lot of the entries thus far are really pushing it and/or getting really long and overly descriptive. Wyverii explained sufficiently that long does not mean good, and that you really want to use simple words for dex entries. Keep all of these comments in mind, as they're really important. At the end of this thread, I will pick a slate of my favorites, and with so many selections, there's no doubt that things will get overlooked. This means that appealing to me should be your first priority.

Things that I am not okay with:

• Blatantly referencing Sketch or CAP 2's ability to mimic the powers of others. You might walk a very fine line by using 'channeling' as some means to gain new powers, for instance. Consider this a general warning.
• Referencing the wrong abilities (Anticipation instead of Forewarn, for instance), or referencing the Dream World ability in the Pokedex entry.
• Blatantly referencing other Pokemon too significantly in the Pokedex entries.
• Typos of any kind in entries.
• Poor grammar.

I came up with a set to serve as an example of the sort of thing I'm looking for:

Necturna, the Forest Spirit Pokemon

Black:
The vine that rests on Necturna's head serves as a conduit between it and the spirit world. It has a mind of its own.

White:
Necturna will often embrace humans tenderly only to slowly devour them with their jaw-like bodies.

I had originally wanted to make Necturna the 'spirit siren' Pokemon, which lured Pokemon and people to their deaths in the forest via its song. Then I realized that Necturna learns neither Sing nor Perish Song, and so pursued other venues. I think it is important to make note in a dex entry that there is a strange vine on its head, and to also address its other physical notions. That's why the Black entry talks about the vine and the White about the lower body jaw on Necturna. This creates a healthy dichotomy of interesting factoids about the Pokemon without having one detract from the other like so many other entries posted thus far. Lastly, the simple English makes it easy on the eyes and mind, despite conveying a particularly gruesome fate for the unlucky humans that encounter it in the wild without defense. This is very common in dex entries, as can be seen on Cofagrigus and Chandelure, both BW Ghost-type Pokemon of similar demeanor.

 

[Mafeking]

@Doug: thank you so much for the comments, especially for catching the spelling error. It's been edited. A product of late-night shenanigans, I assure you.

@RD: are you referring to my entry with the comment concerning wrong abilities? I'm aware that mine could be construed as Anticipation over Forewarn but I fail to see how the reference is more than minute? Ignore this if you weren't referring to me though :)

 

[bugmaniacbob]

I do think there are some things that it is possible to take too seriously

------
Final Submission

Necturna, the Clairvoyant Pokemon

Black: Necturna will only ever choose one friend, but will guard that friend with their lives. They will take on that friend's mannerisms as if they were their own.
White: It has the power to sense the future. When it does so, its arms undulate and its head rocks from side to side in a kind of dance.
------

I do think that some people are going a bit overboard on some of the entries, what with the soul-stealing and the life energy taking and whatnot, but hey, doom and gloom has always been the fashion for CAP entries. Maybe once I'd like to see a humorous entry win here, but I'm certain nobody would slate or, if they did, then vote for it, not to mention that Game Freak seem to have had an absolute sense of humour failure when writing the BW Pokedex entries, so perhaps it is justified.

As I doubt mine will be slated, I'll just say good luck to whoever does make it to the next stage and hopefully there won't be any brain-eating entries on the slate... hopefully.

 

[Rising_Dusk]

@RD: are you referring to my entry with the comment concerning wrong abilities? I'm aware that mine could be construed as Anticipation over Forewarn but I fail to see how the reference is more than minute? Ignore this if you weren't referring to me though :)

The word 'shudder' is a very good word, don't get me wrong, and very appropriate, but it is misplaced when our ability is Forewarn and not Anticipation, which exactly uses the word shudder. Yours has it 'sensing danger', which is totally fine, but some others very closely relate to Anticipation by having Necturna shudder, which I'm not okay with. That difference is pretty clutch for me.

Also, P.S. Since this thread is going so well, and lots of things are still being developed, I'll leave it open for at least another day. Woo.

Addendum (READ SUBMITTERS)

I want to make note of something that everyone should pay close attention to. A lot of in-game, nay, most in-game Pokedex entries make minimal use of complex word modifiers. These word modifiers I'm referring to are powerful adjectives and adverbs like 'ghastly' or 'gruesome' or 'macabre' etc. It's totally okay to use one or two in a Pokedex entry, but more than that and you're actually detracting from your entry. Some entries don't need them at all. For instance, why must the vine on her head be described as a fierce weapon, mafeking? Why not just a weapon? And Temperantia, why must she be an alluring or ghastly Pokemon? Those modifiers are actually hurting the entry, I feel. There are lots of other examples from other submissions that I can't think of offhand, but should be culled. Be mindful of this, as it can easily break an otherwise very solid entry when used incorrectly.

 

[Mafeking]

Fierce was intended to convey the base 120 Attack stat, but I definitely see your point about unnecessary complexity.

 

[capefeather]

Going to try this one more time.

Species: Spirit Plant Pokémon

Black: The vine on its head is the main body. The rest is a flower used to lure in spirits to consume.

White: It made a pact with the spirit world to hunt down souls in exchange for rain.

EDIT: I've decided to put my two WIPs next to each other for comparison purposes. Maybe I'll fuse them together eventually or something... (Also changing the original WIP a bit)

Black: Its human-shaped flower draws Pokémon away from danger. It uses its many eyes to scope out its surroundings.

White: They are said to guide Pokémon spirits to the afterlife. They manipulate their shadows to protect themselves.

So, in a way I've gone in a very different direction from my previous WIP, however the essence is more or less the same. The entries can be malevolent and such, but I agree with a lot of the comments in that it's very possible to go overboard. I've put in a bit more apparent malevolence in this WIP, but overall, it's still not meant to be completely malicious. It has reasons for why it does what it does. I think it still sounds a bit awkward, so any comments are greatly appreciated.

The contradiction attempt is gone (it got too complicated just trying to explain how the vine might be the "real essence" of Necturna), but the idea that the vine is the real "main body" is one that appeals to me, and it probably appeals to others as well. I mean, it actually makes a lot of sense. With White, I have suggested a reason for Necturna's soul-consuming ways. It's intended to be a subtle reminder that this Pokémon *is* a plant, and it *does* need rain and such for nutrition.

 

[Wild Eep]

Birkal insists I give this a shot. This is not a final submission.

Necturna, the Nature Spirit Pokemon

Black: Necturna thrives even in complete darkness. Researchers have developed medicine from the poison in its thorns.

White: Necturna lives in the darkest areas of the forest. It consumes the souls of people who threaten its habitat.

(*Emboar and Cryogonal also have 13 character species names)

 

[Quanyails]

Update: I felt that the Black entry was, actually, quite too short, so I took a brainstorm and changed it quite a bit. Opinions?

(Final Submission)

Necturna: Flytrap Pokemon

Black: In case of danger, Necturna will manipulate the plants around it as a form of defense. It then returns the favor by making the plants flourish.

White: It becomes lonesome in the forests it resides, so it acts like a lost maiden to lure in travelers.

To the ratings!

• LouisCyphre: With the edits that've been made since you first submitted it, I feel the entry's a lot clearer and pokemon-like. :)
• Unitas: Relationship is one word, unless you're saying Necturna owns ships. I don't really like using 'Earth' in the entry, since the pokemon world is separate from real-life. Also, 'we' is unprecedented in entries (I think), so saying 'This is how humans' or 'This is how people' might work. But overall, I'm not too comfortable with it.
• FlareBlitz: Not too much to change, since they're good entries. Only note is that 'otherworldly spirits' is a bit of a mouthful.
• milo v3: You haven't taken any of my comments since I last wrote them.
• bugmaniacbob: I do like them, showing a side of Necturna unique to your entry. It only nebulously hints at Sketch, emphasizes Yilx's character for her, and shows her abilities.
• ikasu: The species name is still quite long, but the entries are fine! Nothing too technical I'd change.
• SubwayJ: Interesting, since the Black entry seems to say that Necturna feeds on negative emotions, but the White entry says that Necturna causes them. Not that that's bad (Excadrill has similar opposites), though they do seem contradictory to what character you try to give her.
• Son_of_Shadoo: For some reason, Cryogonal has a species name that's 13 letters long (Crystallizing). Does that give you any flexibility? The pokedex entries are good with their mix of history and ability.
• Temperantia: 'Ghastly' and 'alluring' put me off slightly. Most pokemon that are described as 'this pokemon' don't usually have an adjective in there. Additionally, the pokedex uses 'it' for entries, even for female-only pokemon.
• elementalpenguin: Good. The first does remind me a bit too much about Sketch, but it's not blatant, so it's acceptable.
• Kaprikorn: I like them. That's all I'll say. :P
• yaysnivy34: You're missing a period in the second entry. I do must wonder how Necturna can communicate with plants with her eyes on the 'skirt'. (Speaking of, Necturna's lower body isn't a true skirt, so it shouldn't be described as one if it's organic.)
• Crezblaine: I like the first white entry and the second black entry. The first black one seems a bit saturated in unnecessary words and the second white one, though interesting, don't compare. :P Also, 'wander' is the right word, not 'wonder'. You also have to adjust your species name, since it's quite long.
• Glacier Knight: Good similarities to real entries, relating their dedication to friends and the afterlife. I like them!
• Mafeking: The 'form' word in the second entry doesn't fit with me, since it's definitely a pokemon, and that word puts, actually, too much mystique to it.
• Metal Bagon: Entries are good.
• Birkal: The formatting of the White entry confuses me, as 'prey's body and spirit' fit more than 'its prey's body and its spirit'. Or maybe 'both the body and spirit of its prey'.
• Tortferngatr: Haaah, Vine Maiden. XD Best species name I've seen. The entries are quite long, though. Reduce the length a l'il?
• remetagross: Make sure to bold 'final submission'. But other than that, the entries are good. I don't think you need 'nearby' in the first entry.
• capefeather: Short but good. Better than your original entries with gratuitous use of other pokemon names. I do miss that use of 'draw', though, in the entry. :P
• Wild Eep: Well, researchers. You'd first have to explain the poison before any antidote is made, right? The White entry is good, though; nothing too off there.

 

[Metal Bagon]

Thanks Quan!

 

[Galladiator]

Final Submission

Necturna: the Spirit Trap Pokemon

Black: It is rumored to be the spirit of an ancient forest guardian. It uses the vine on its head to channel its mystical powers.

White: Necturna lives in seclusion, far away from the outside world. It instantly forms a bond with the first human it meets.

 

[milo v3]

milo v3: You haven't taken any of my comments since I last wrote them.

Yes I did I shorted the species name, put in the comma, and changed the she's to its. And this morning I edited the singular spirit into individuals.

 

[Quanyails]

Well, yes, those, but the error of plural-singular confusion still exists in your second entry: "They're formed from long dead plants controlled by a spirit" would mean one spirit controlling multiple plants. Hope that clarifies.

 

[ikasu]

I shortened the species name to the Mourning Pokemon which reflects the entries I submitted.

 

[Deck Knight]

Toned down my entry slightly. The concept is still the same, but life energy is used (as with Litwick) and the Black entry focuses more on the petals being more direct in draining life rather that the amusing innuendo, heh.

 

[Temperantia]

Final Submission

Necturna

The Essence Pokemon

Black: A Pokemon said to be able to communicate with spirits. When in the location of a past tragedy, it weeps.

White: This Pokemon has the ability to speak to spirits. Necturna are said to have a harder time trusting the living than the dead.

So, I took Doug and RD's criticisms to heart. I replaced her shuddering with weeping in the Black entry and took out most modifiers. Most importantly, I redid the White entry completely.
Instead of the generic filler I had before, I showed the loneliness that Necturna seems to be burdened with.

If anyone has any last criticisms, I'm open for improvement.

EDIT: I chose the species name as "Essence" because I thought it fit both the Grass and Ghost typing nicely.

 

[capefeather]

capefeather: Short but good. Better than your original entries with gratuitous use of other pokemon names. I do miss that use of 'draw', though, in the entry. :P

What about the modified versions of my first WIP, though? Birkal told me this:

<+Birkal> I feel that the black one is a little too "THIS IS HOW IT IS," while the second one takes a bit to digest (rain for souls, who is giving the rain, etc)

So I'm trying to reconcile that with your preference of the second WIP based on stuff I addressed in my new first WIP.

 

[Wild Eep]

With Galladiator's thoughts about the flow in the Black entry, as well as a bit more free time, I'm making another WIP.

Due to time, this is my Final Submission.

Necturna, the Nature Spirit Pokemon

Black: Necturna's thorns poison anything that approaches. Researchers have developed medicine from this poison.

White: Necturna lives in the darkest areas of the forest. It is said to consume the souls of people who threaten its habitat.

I've tried to get the black vs. white -> technology vs. nature duality in these entries much like it exists in many aspects of the games.

 

[yaysnivy34]

Final Submission:

Necturna

The Wilted Plant Pokemon

Black: The vines on its arms are capable of sucking souls from their bodies. However, Necturna is a kind Pokemon and will only do this when threatened.

White: Necturna is feared by gardeners, for Necturna will haunt them if they leave a flower to wilt. It can communicate with plants with the eyes on its skirt.