Classic CopyPastas

How to make your very own Schlagenheim!!
Step 1:
Jesus Christ has been reincarnated. His name is Morgan Simpson. Locate him at your local Waffle House.

Step 2:
You need exactly 2,590 seconds of his time, so buy him approximately $2,590 worth of Waffle House menu items. He will then agree to drum on your Schlagenheim. This is worth it

Step 3:
Put Morgan in any studio in Detroit, Michigan with a drum set and a slightly radioactive Monster energy drink. Ask him to just go bonkers improvising rhythms, the more disjointed the rhythms the better. The entirety of your Schlagenheim will be built off of these recordings.


Step 4:
ocate the grave of famous Czech novelist Franz Kafka at The New Jewish Cemetery in Žižkov, Prague. Place one (1) cockroach drenched in lighter fluid on his tombstone. Light the roach on fire and a tiny replica of Kafka will rise from the ashes. Ask this little guy to write 9 short stories, but only direction you can give him is "Brexit, but horny"

Step 5:
Locate Ricky Gervais. Ask him to read the mini Kafka's short stories while doing an outdated Asian-American accent. (no shade to Greep, just always what he sounds like to me lmao). Speed and pitch those voice recordings up by 1.75% or so and then add them to the mix

Step 6:
Gather a vast assortments of just ridiculous musical instruments including (but not limited to):
- Russian Guitar
- Wah-wah
- Finger cymbals
- Guiro
- Bongos
- Clavioline
- Chromatic accordion
- Pedal steel
- Rain stick
- Castanets
- Objects (actual credited instrument on this album)
- Flute
- Wood block
- Triangle
- Trash can

Step 7:
Divide all of these instruments into 9 separate U-Haul truck hooked up with microphones. Drive the loaded truck on a gravel road in hell. Zig zag the entire time while consistently increasing and decreasing your speed, slamming the breaks constantly. Add these recordings to your mix

Step 8:
On your laptop, play a scene of your favorite Oscar-winning actress screaming and crying due to some sort of distressing situation. Record that screen w a Samsung phone made no later than 2001. Play that recording on your laptop speakers and rerecord again with that samsung. Play that rerecording from your laptop speakers and rererecord with the phone. Rinse and repeat until you have a rererererererererecording of the original scene and add that to the 7th track of your Schlagenheim

Final Step:
Now you have the music!! But theres one more task to create a true Schlagenheim. Find a local pond that has been ravaged by corporate pollution and catch the most carp malformed carp you can find. Put this carp in a blender until it forms a thick, liquid-y texture. Feed this substance into a vinyl record pressing plant and press the first copy!

Congratulations!!!
You have created a brand new post-avant-nu-punk-metal-wave album! Too bad your Schlagenheim will never be as great as the original, because I genuinely think the qualities that make Black Midi's debut album so bizarre and addictive could never be replicated, no matter how much money you spend at Waffle House
 
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Quite frankly, those that want an outright ban are LAZY. They don't want to try different solutions because that would require you to do actual work, which many of these ban-hungry people refuse to do. Work ethic isn't their strong suit, I put it? You don't just reject all other options because they might take a bit of time to test. Did Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. stop protesting because he was met with resistance in Selma and Montgomery? No, he valiantly continued to practice his cause and his efforts have allowed us to live peacefully today.
 
What is E=MC2 is consistent with all of SPACE. Consider TIME AND time dilation ON BALANCE. Regarding WHAT IS E=MC2, c squared CLEARLY (AND NECESSARILY) represents a dimension of SPACE ON BALANCE. Consider what is THE EYE ON BALANCE, AS TIME is NECESSARILY possible/potential AND actual ON/IN BALANCE; AS ELECTROMAGNETISM/energy is CLEARLY AND NECESSARILY proven to be gravity (ON/IN BALANCE). Great. I have mathematically proven the fourth dimension. What is GRAVITY is, ON BALANCE, an INTERACTION that cannot be shielded or blocked. The stars AND PLANETS are POINTS in the night sky ON BALANCE. Great.
 
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
 
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Burger king foot lettuce. The last thing you'd want in your Burger King burger is someone's foot fungus. But as it turns out, that might be what you get. A 4channer uploaded a photo anonymously to the site showcasing his feet in a plastic bin of lettuce. With the statement: "This is the lettuce you eat at Burger King." Admittedly, he had shoes on.

But that's even worse.

The post went live at 11:38 PM on July 16, and a mere 20 minutes later, the Burger King in question was alerted to the rogue employee. At least, I hope he's rogue. How did it happen? Well, the BK employee hadn't removed the Exif data from the uploaded photo, which suggested the culprit was somewhere in Mayfield Heights, Ohio. This was at 11:47. Three minutes later at 11:50, the Burger King branch address was posted with wishes of happy unemployment. 5 minutes later, the news station was contacted by another 4channer. And three minutes later, at 11:58, a link was posted: BK's "Tell us about us" online forum. The foot photo, otherwise known as exhibit A, was attached. Cleveland Scene Magazine contacted the BK in question the next day. When questioned, the breakfast shift manager said "Oh, I know who that is. He's getting fired." Mystery solved, by 4chan. Now we can all go back to eating our fast food in peace.

Revived at the request of BP
 
I faked it. I reverse engineered pokemon gold, silver, and crystal source code and intentionally made the programming super incompotent as a joke. I did it in assembly, my favorite programming language, as a gag. I then proceed to do that 600 more times with very minor tweaks to the translation also as a joke. i then wrote code by iwata that wasn't incompotent as a joke. i also made a new bad gameboy emulator as a joke. I then drew hundreds of sprites ranging from barely started to completely finalized and wrote dex entries and fake moves for everything as a joke. I also wrote hundreds of fake emails, you guessed it, as a joke. i also intentionally programmed in bugs, made fake bug reports, and refused to address the bugs all for a laugh. and i did this in six languages as a joke. you all fell for it.
 
I saw chaos at a grocery store in Los Angeles yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.

The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly.
 
[05:48] <Somalia> NO
[05:48] <Somalia> FUCK THIS
[05:48] <Somalia> i swr to god
[05:48] <Somalia> us ee randoms
[05:48] <Somalia> using the supidest shit ever
[05:48] <Somalia> ppl using jelliecent energy ball
[05:48] <Somalia> why
[05:48] <Somalia> the fuck
[05:48] <Somalia> do they
[05:48] <Somalia> tired of this shitass game
 
found this on the official pokemon forums

This used to be a pretty good game… it was MY game… but now, it has become completely Unbalanced and Unfair. The Pokemon Company keeps rolling out more and more CHEATER cards every year and every year it just gets worse and worse. Thier app is horribly bugged, and it even allows people to straight up CHEAT. Things like GX Attacks that somehow don't register as GX Attacks, so they never get used up and when players learn of it, they exploit it to no end. And they allow Toxic Players who don't care about the game at all to play in the most Toxic was because they very cards they make are Toxic. Messaging the Pokemon Companies Support Team does nothing. It's always just, "you might not hear back from us about this issue," and nothing ever get's fixed. They have no desire nor plans to fix anything in Expanded and it shows. They don't care about the game at all, all they care about is tricking us out of our money and I'm sick of it.
 
Saw the QB, I have lost all faith in the council.It might have been worth the ban? Yes, but maybe no. There was no furry at all, this wasnt Regieleki, which god speed and perfect coverage.
Impatient and disrespectful to the playerbase, taking away any chance of opposition or critique.
No longer a council, now its the OU Monarchy
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From someone discussing Terapagos' ban.
 
let's say someone is coming at you with a chainsaw, and the only things you have to defend yourself with are either a hairbrush or a peanut donut. generally, they're probably going to be equally effective, maybe the hairbrush slightly more in a few cases, but ooh baby, if your attacker happens to have a peanut allergy, you are going to be happy you had that donut. now peanut allergies aren't guaranteed to be encountered in a sample size of ehhhh about 900 people but honestly only like 40 chainsaw welding freaks, but peanut allergies happen to be surprisingly common among the select couple of people that can also withstand or even absorb your incredible lightning magic- ok so also you have like, just wickedly powerful lightning magic in this metaphor but it's like, the donut is for... it's like uh... i lost the metaphor. what were we talking about.
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Apparently this was supposed to be about Ancient Power Regieleki.
 
ARE YOU TIRED OF GHOSTS?

DO YOU EVER WISH YOU COULD GO UP A FLIGHT OF STAIRS WITHOUT BEING TOLD "GET OUT... GET OUT..."

HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH THE SILPH SCOPE. THE REVOLUTIONARY PRODUCT WHICH ALLOWS YOU TO SEE GHOSTS IN PLACES YOU NEVER COULD BEFORE.

WITH JUST TWO EASY STEPS YOU CAN REVEAL GHOSTS OF ANY SIZE. JUST EQUIP IN YOUR PACK AND PRESS A. IT'S THAT EASY.

FORGET USING FORSIGHT. YOU DON'T NEED A MOVESET FULL OF SUPPORT MOVES!

BUT I'M NOT DONE YET! IF YOU CALL IN THE NEXT 30 MINUTES, I'LL EVEN THROW IN THE POCKET-SIZED DEVON SCOPE! IT CAN REVEAL INVISIBLE OBJECTS YOU NORMALLY COULD NEVER SEE.

FOR A PRODUCT THIS GREAT YOU WON'T PAY 100, NOT 200, NOT EVEN 300 DOLLARS! IN FACT, THIS GREAT DEAL CAN BE YOURS FOR ONLY $19.95! THAT'S RIGHT! JUST $19.95! SO CALL RIGHT NOW. OR I'LL HAUNT YOU FOREVER.

1-800-781-7529
 

Mario, the Idea vs. Mario, the Man​

Everyone knows Mario is cool as fuck. But who knows what he's thinking? Who knows why he crushes turtles? And why do we think about him as fondly as we think of the mystical (nonexistent?) Dr Pepper? Perchance.

I believe it was Kant who said "Experience without theory is blind, but theory without experience is mere intellectual play." Mario exhibits experience by crushing turts all day, but he exhibits theory by stating "Lets-a go!" Keep it up, baby!

When Mario leaves his place of safety to stomp a turty, he knows that he may Die. And yet, for a man who can purchase lives with money, a life becomes a mere store of value. A tax that can be paid for, much as a rich man feels any law with a fine is a price. We think of Mario as a hero,but he is simply a one percenter of a more privileged variety. The lifekind. Perchance.
 
Gen 9 has proven that Smogon has crossed the line.

The sheer amount of quickbans present in the early gen 9 meta has shown that Smogon has completely relinquished any hope of letting the metagame settle and develop naturally. Usually I had respect for smogon and their bans seem reasonable, but when Chien-Pao was banned and then not a few minutes later Espathra was also banned, I knew something was off. At this point the competitive Pokemon community needs to reflect on the organization the worship blindly and realize that maybe banning things isn't always the best way to deal with them. They never consider nerfing any pokemon to fit the meta game better, but they're completely ok with modifying the game with HP percentage and sleep clause? Seems like smogon can just pick and choose whatever they want and we're just sorta expected to shut up about it, I guess. I remember pokebattle back in the day trying to provide a smogon alternative, but it never went anywhere. I wish we could see that same ambition again, and maybe this time we can have an established competitive Pokemon authority that instead of banning things, modifies mons or lets the metagame develop naturally. What are your thoughts on this?
 
Yun is a diet HNK character masquerading as a Street Fighter character, whenever I fight Yun I realize I am trapped in the jaws of an unimaginable beast and no matter the outcome, it is Yun’s world and I am living in it. I am comforted with this realization by the fact that Yun’s world is not the worst to live in. When he activates his Fuck You It’s My Turn To Win Condition his combo routes and damage are actually really cool to watch. When you die to Yun, it’s a spectacle. Chun subjects you to cock and ball torture for a minute and a half until she gets her special Nepo Baby juice and gains the ability to shove a giant boot up your asshole by pressing crouching medium into you eating shit with the lamest combo of all time into another reset into probably another combo, or if you’re unfortunate enough soul to be subjected to her without another bar of Bullshit Jelly that most would call meter, you will have to be subjected to the unholy realm of treachery that is having to play neutral with Third Strike Chun all over again, left to rot in the same saddening outcome like a colony of ants circling around each other until the heat of their bodies completely consumes them as they die from exhaustion, with that horrifying release signifying Chun getting another stick of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Talent Margarine. Every second Chun Li is on the screen you are an unwelcomed species that made the mistake of daring to try and pick a cooler character instead of succumbing to the cold dark clutches of being swaddled in the arms of the top of the tier list. Every single minute spent with Chun Li is a scathing reminder that no matter how hard mankind tries to control their worst aspects, they will always come creeping up from where they least expect to find it, there to destroy every bit of good they’ve built at the snap of a finger. It doesn’t matter how interesting, sick, complex, or hype your character is, they’ll never be as uncaringly powerful as the unholy matrimony that is Chun Li’s game design. I don’t give a fuck if Yun is just as bullshit, at least he isn’t a craft of the underworld like this cop is. FUCK HER
 
r/stunfisk in a nutshell

When “unfortunate” doesn’t begin to describe my series when the homophobic Ferrothorn yells “CAN YOU GUYS NOT READ” and “Midladder is the worst place on Pokémon Showdown” with its Absol and Eevee as it loses a game against Iron Mugulis and Regitube with the LIVE WO-CHIEN REACTION but is walled by a shitmon and is ZUBL at best but then 8 fucking ground types and IRON FRAUD who is WASHED and Bunnelby who is almost worth using in NU walk in but get OHKOed by Dusknoir Ice Punch and the Iron Tail Espeon, as well as the Chi-Yu Overheat boosted by Quick Claw Torkoal which clashes with the Dracovish Fishious Rend supported by Rain Dance Gallade as the “STRONGEST FISH OF TODAY VS THE STRONGEST FISH OF ALL TIME” but then they are stopped by the Zekrom Kick, Meganium who has HUGE POTENTIAL now, Fire Blast Aggron, Duraludon (when it gets Eviolite it’ll be really good guys!!!) in Little Cup and Tera Bug Roaring Moon with them FAKE MAGIC GUARDS and it all happens in an edited Showdown Replay, a cool comic, AND a JJK manga panel edit because this Gen’s UU is this Gen’s OU and it’s Garchover and Landover and Tyranitover while Smogon loves Stall and made people not abbreviate Chien-Pao as CP and Paradox Pokémon get new abilities!!! How does this and Blunder, who exclaimed “Good Heavens would you look at the time!” before sacking a shitmon with Black Sludge Bisharp for Iron Valiant affect the meta?
 
Berks said:
for your posting consideration, a classic:

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my words. You think you can get away with saying shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. You didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
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imagined this is a tf2 soldier voice and if anyone else hasn't they're lying
 
i am a heron. i haev a long neck and i pick fish out of the water w/ my beak. if you dont repost this comment on 10 other pages i will fly into your kitchen tonight and make a mess of your pots and pans
 

SCP-173 Copyright Notice​


The image used in the SCP-173 article is the art piece "Untitled 2004" by Izumi Kato. The photograph was taken by Keisuke Yamamoto. All rights are reserved by the artists.

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The sculpture, its likeness, and the photograph have not been released under any Creative Commons license. Only the text of this article is released under Creative Commons. This sculpture and its likeness may not be used for commercial purposes under any circumstances. Izumi Kato has graciously chosen to allow the use of the image of "Untitled 2004" by the SCP Foundation and its fanbase for non-commercial purposes only.

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