Serious Depression

I've skim read this thread. Observations:
It seems to be mostly people sharing their own experiences. That's cool
Mental ill health seems to be more common amongst us nerds sadly. :(

As someone who has managed to stabilise their own mental state, I'll share a guide in a form you are more likely to enjoy - a teambuilding guide ;)
At the moment it's a screenshot from a discord chat, so i'll write it up properly if there is sufficient demand.
 

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I’m one of those unfortunate introverted people who are tasked with dealing with not only depression, but with (social) anxiety too. Spend time around people and you get anxious, spend time away from people and you let your mind wander which ultimately leads to you wallowing in your own depression at 3AM.

My own coping mechanism has been to stop myself from thinking too much, mainly by gluing myself to video games/simulators such as Minecraft and Showdown. The ultimate downfall of this coping mechanism, however, was that I ended up procrastinating so much in an attempt to avoid thinking at all that I put off all work within my own life.

I think my own depression stems from just thinking about the future and what is to come (not going to list anything here as it definitely won’t help anyone else who’s depressed and is reading). Not really sure what I’ll end up doing with my life because my outlook on life changes daily; some days I’ll find the will to get out of bed and out the house, and on other days I’ll just lie there for the entire day as I’m too afraid of the world to go outside.

However, looking at the OP really does put things into perspective: I’m lucky for what I have and should always try to think about that when I’m down as opposed to thinking about what I don’t have. Life gets better.
 
I guess it's a good thing that no one's posted in this thread so far in 2018. But all good things must come to an end because I have some stuff I want to get off my chest. I've posted in this thread before back at the very bottom of the first page if you want to know what was on my mind way back then(about 1.5 years ago as of the time of this post). But yeah, my depression is weird. **ALSO, BEFORE YOU READ, I WANT TO NOTE THAT I MIGHT SOUND LIKE A DEPRESSED PIECE OF SHIT BUT I NEVER ONCE TOOK AN ATTEMPT ON MY LIFE OR AT EVEN SELF HARM SO DON'T WORRY! IT'S JUST MY EMOTIONAL WELL BEING** Like I said before:
I have two parents still together
I have no family problems regarding drugs/alcohol
I don't have any traumatic family or friend death experiences
So why am I depressed? Well, in my original post, I said it started when I was around 13. But I don't honestly think that's accurate. In fact, I'd say it started when I was around 11/12(6th grade). Like I said before, I was homeschooled from kindergarten until I was a freshman in high school. As you can imagine, this will have caused a bunch of problems down the road but let's step back to 2011/2012. I'm in 6th grade. My parents introduce a new homeschooling program. This new program that's different than how I was taught K-5 and it's really fucking hard because of the ridiculous amount of homework I'm assigned every day in every class. I was stressed as fuck. I'm only 11 when the school year starts. My parents get pissed when I start slacking off on homework I didn't do(To tell you the truth I don't know how anyone can possibly do that much homework and keep up), and stuff but they passed me anyway because they had the authority to do that and wanted me to graduate high school in 2018. It gets worse in 7th grade. This is when I start getting addicted to porn. I know some people have different beliefs about how bad porn really is, but my parents hammered Christian beliefs into me my whole life so I felt like I was a disappointment for getting into it. I just turned 13 when I got caught. This feeling of being a disappointment, along with my stress at the time from the aforementioned homework load worsens my depression. Eighth grade was not as bad because not as much happened that year minus the same homework load I've had since sixth grade but I was still quietly addicted to pornography. Freshman year and I'm FINALLY out of the house and into the real world...Except in a charter school where most kids go because they got kicked out of the school they attended or had problems with that school etc and there were people that got held back many times, and druggies, and juvenile delinquents, etc....yay. This is the school you send your 14 year old to begin high school? Granted, my classes were piss easy but did you ever consider the social situation? Whatever. I did NOT want to be homeschooled again but being sent to this school again as a sophomore sounded like hell. So God listened...but He threw me for a loop and told my entire family to move halfway across the country to a state where NONE of our family has EVER been to. Oh boy won't these next 3 years be fun... I thought. And I was right. The place where we moved is not very welcoming to "out of staters" as they're referred to. It's not easy to make friends in general if you're not from here. Let alone, someone like me who's struggled making friends his entire life due to his shy nature due to being homeschooled. And yes, I have struggled to make friends. The friends I have made, I've been bad about talking to, and affiliating with because of my depression turning me into an isolationist. All of the events I described have created an individual who hates talking to people, just goes through the motions, and feels like a disappointment.
But it's not just situational stuff either. I hate myself because, like I've mentioned, I feel like a failure. I have had high expectations all my life. I should have much better grades than I do, but because I am god awful at math, and even worse at taking any standardized math test(including the SAT) I feel like I won't amount to much. And this is coming from the son of a woman who was the valedictorian of her high school class of a decent size school and majored in math in college. Not to mention, the aforementioned pornography addiction I got myself into in junior high(BTW the last time I watched porn was 9th grade and I'm in 12th as of this post). And because my parents are Christian, they hate that I swear. I don't do it in front of them and I try to tell them that it's a respect thing that I don't swear in front of respected adults/authority but they won't hear it.
But I can't feel this way forever. I'm 18. I'm a senior in high school, and after June 12th, I'm effectively a college student. Why should I be starting college as a depressed bum? That's why I'm trying to get better. But it's not easy. I appreciate any advice I have to improve my emotional state.
**AND IF YOU ARE DEPRESSED YOURSELF PLEASE DO NOT DO ANYTHING DRASTIC AND GET HELP! I WAS DUMB AND KEPT IT TO MYSELF SO DON'T DO WHAT I DID AND TELL SOMEONE LIKE AN ADULT OR A THERAPIST**
 
If I was a flavor of coffee, it would be "Depresso"!

Heh.

bad pun. Okay so I am depressed and I'm making this thread in large part to ask people how they cope with depression they have or had, but also to provide a place for other depressed people to vent their feelings and /or just have someone to listen to them. So feel free to post in this thread.

As for me? Well looking back I think my depression started two years ago when my dad died:[ I really loved him a lot and apparently he died from sort of heart thing because he didn't check in with his doctor so he didn't know it was going to happen. We were going back from Modell's and everything with football gear when it happened, and found out at home. Utter devastation. I can remember most of the details even now. Not having a parent around to nurture you as a child is really harsh, i mean especially at adolescence when so much shit is happening anyway. My mom is usually at work too, so it's like, fuck. I've only begun to realize the extent of my depression yesterday, BUT its been there in some form since basically august 2014, when he died.

so yeah there's my story, feel free to post
My own dad died in a similar way a couple years before the OP's, November 2012 from a heart attack following a brief illness. I was 11 years old in the 6th grade and my dad was supposed to be picking me up from school that day, but I was surprised when my step-dad's car showed up instead. He drove me home in silence without telling me what happened until I got home.

The past 5 years have been difficult as all hell, but currently I'm doing better than I have in a long time, doing pretty well in school after having to be pulled out of school for 2 years following his death, and homeschooled. I'm a junior in highschool and I have hopes of getting into Pre-Med after senior year.

I've dealt with mental illness from anxeity, manic mood swings, and depression my whole life, and I'm always willing to listen to anything anybody wants to share.
 

PDC

enuma elish
is a Team Rater Alumnusis a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Smogon Media Contributor Alumnusis a Past WCoP Champion
i'll bite

i've been depressed for about 7 years now. since i was in 6th grade. what provoked me to actually write about this now is really just a small annoyance - finding out a girl i'm interested in is dating somebody else - but the immense feelings of loneliness that correspond with such an arbitrary subject really makes me think that it's time to talk about it.

so yeah, i've been depressed for as long as i can remember being anything but a child. it happened one day in the winter of 6th grade. i don't know "what" happened, but i know that i just started feeling different one night. i couldn't explain it. it was like this cloud was over me and the world was permanently dreary. i remember i got pizza that day, and even after getting pizza i couldn't feel better. i vomited later that night and was actually glad i did, because it made me feel better. as if i could blame my bad feelings on that pizza i was allergic to. it didn't make me feel better for long. for the entirety of middle school - freshman year i pretty much thought about killing myself every single day. i was too much of a narcissist even back then to actually do it, and i don't think i ever would kill myself no matter the circumstance, but the thoughts were still there. they still bothered me constantly and always just...were there. it's hard to explain. i remember wondering if i'd kill myself in the summer because i'd be so bored that i would have nothing to do. even today i still am afraid of situations where i could "do it" because as some visceral level i'm afraid that i just might jump off the rocks or throw myself out the car. i would never actually do it, but i think about it a lot.

i haven't been happy in a long time. i've been excited, but in reality all i ever feel is anger, sadness, complacency, or excitement. honestly i don't even know what happiness even remotely feels like anymore. it feels weird to write this sentence out, but that's the truth. i don't know what it means to be more than excited over a joke or a good grade. and the lows are the worst. if i do bad on an assignment i'll feel as if i'm having a break down and get immensely depressed for an hour or two. the smallest things set me off, and i don't really know why. sometimes i'll get irrationally angry over things, or irrationally sad. anger that makes me want to punch holes into everything i see, or just fucking scream.

my living situation isn't bad, nor are my grades. i'm doing fine. but everything else, especially socially, seems to be such a burden. people like me. i've never been somebody that was hated. but i don't really...."do" anything with anybody else. i hang out with people in the lounge, but i don't want to go out. i talk to people in classes and keep in contact with hs friends, but i don't ever go out. i just stay in my dorm all day. and that loneliness is incredibly annoying. that loneliness is probably the reason this arbitrary realization regarding that girl set me off to write this post; just a small thing makes me feel like such garbage. something is wrong. i'm pretty high-function, i can go out and act like a normal person and talk on discord like a normal person but that doesn't mean much when in reality i really do feel terrible half of the time. not even terrible, actually. i just feel neutral. that might even feel worse. because feeling terrible means you feel something at all, and really all i ever feel is neutrality, anger, or excitement, or tension. or anxiety.

i've always been able to laugh and help people with their problems, but this is one which i really just can't seem to solve. i'm supposed to be the advice guy who is smart and knows how to deal with relationships, but in reality i'm just a pathetic individual. i have no initiative with relationships. i'm afraid people won't like me. i don't like doing new things ever. i feel like complete trash sometimes and there is never anything i do about it. i'm terrified of rejection, annoyed by social gatherings (but at the same time want to be apart of them), and am pissed off by everything sometimes. if i do one thing wrong socially i'll dwell on it for days.

for those reading that know me - i'll be fine. i've been fine for nearly a decade now. but sometimes, like tonight, i just get very disappointed with who i am and what i do. it bothers me. it really does. i hate feeling this way but don't care enough to change it. i probably won't bother going to a therapist because that means i have to deal with my parents knowing. i just needed to talk about it. even some of my best friends on this site don't know how i feel, despite talks i've had with them over depression before.

it's hard to articulate how i feel especially typing this up so late at night. i'm just tired of it all really.
 

Taylor

i am alien
is a Top Team Rater Alumnusis a Forum Moderator Alumnusis a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Battle Simulator Moderator Alumnus
What I don't understand about depression is that it is treated as an illness, and I agree. But we ourselves are made to feel bad about the causes for our depression, like we made bad choices and did not make full use of our time to make things better. If you go for treatment there is always a reason for why you are depressed, whether it be social/work/financial/relationship troubles and what we don't realize is that the involvement of others plays a huge role on our depression.

I found the only reason I get upset about myself is because of the position I am, which is not necessarily all my fault because I want to do well for myself and the ones I love but can only work with the tools at my disposal. Our surroundings and our belongings and who we are as a person determine how we go about life and how we feel about ourselves, when the people in our lives are also a cause for whether we are happy or upset about something. They either make it worse, or better. So you can get support for each of these difficulties we face in our lives but depending on how it is treated determines how well we go about beating it.

If there is someone who can understand you and your problems as well as you do and can offer helpful suggestions to make things better, then you're on the right track. That is key. You can tell yourself you won't let it get to you and if everyone around you in your life does not comply, it won't help. I have told myself I am fine with what I have, but everyone else plays either a positive/negative part in my life so they have a huge effect on my feelings and so forth.

I tell myself though how much worse things can get in our lives that it keeps me from letting it eat me up alive. Depression should be treated immediately and by: loved ones, professionals and the right people in a caring environment.
 
What I don't understand about depression is that it is treated as an illness, and I agree. But we ourselves are made to feel bad about the causes for our depression, like we made bad choices and did not make full use of our time to make things better. If you go for treatment there is always a reason for why you are depressed, whether it be social/work/financial/relationship troubles and what we don't realize is that the involvement of others plays a huge role on our depression.
That's not really how it works.
 

Soul Fly

IMMA TEACH YOU WHAT SPLASHIN' MEANS
is a Contributor Alumnus
that one evening where you are glad for the fact that you are alive has become so much rarer. I think in a depressive state this is something you need to keep working towards. Don't give in to the voices which call you worthless.
 
(In response to the part of Taylor's message that Aladyyn quoted) Every situation will vary. In a lot of cases the illness comes out of the blue whilst others can be caused by something underlying which the person may not realise until they go to treatment. However, in my experiences, Practitioners and Therapists that I have been lucky to have are very understanding and don't try to delve deep or pin the blame on anything if either; the person doesn't want to disclose information or if they are confident that the source of the Depression wasn't necessarily an event or a specific situation etc.

Though that's just what I have been exposed to, apologies if I misinterpreted this
 

Exeggutor

twist
is a Live Chat Contributor
Yes, it is. They want to know why you have got this illness so they know what is best to treat it. What's the reason for you going to doctor if you haven't got one?
It's called a mental illness because it's caused by a mental pattern, it doesn't have to be something external of yourself. People's depression can be caused by outside sources, but in many cases it isn't and it's as it says on the tin. The idea that people always have an idea of what causes their depression when they seek help is ignorant at least and actively insulting at most.
 
Yes, it is. They want to know why you have got this illness so they know what is best to treat it. What's the reason for you going to doctor if you haven't got one?
My Doctor was able to provide me with suitable medication that worked despite me not providing a reason given the symptoms I was experiencing, if you don't have a reason for the illness I don't really think that should be a reason to ignore GPs all together, though I get some of them may approach the appointments differently to others and if you have bad experiences with them in the past maybe it just isn't for some people? or perhaps the other party didn't handle it well
 
Things have gotten a bit better for me, taking it easier in terms of courses to avoid burn out again; but there are days, where I genuinely feel like I'm a waste of space, and that numbness is the best I can aspire to. It can be hard to find motivation for anything on those days, but I try to soldier on. Therapy's been useful, it's hard to break bad patterns; I feel like even though I can socialize, there are only a few people I'd rather do it with, and if I don't have them around, staying in my room is something I like more. Part of it stems from being scared of making and losing friends as I get older, and part of it is just not having anymore energy to expend chasing people who I won't know in a year. I don't feel as bad as I did at the end of last year, and I feel strangely apathetic. I still do however have panic attacks, mostly stemming I suppose from my own insecurities; but I'm trying in my own way to turn things around, I'm tired of having my life be the same monochrome, dreary blur it's been for years. I'll make this year something worth looking back on with pride, so I don't have any regrets down the line. Somewhere along the way I stopped enjoying life, and started going through the motions, feeling hollow and numb. I want to be worth knowing, and remembering so I'll live my life to fullest. It's hard to think of your life as your "own", there are always obligations and aspirations on your shoulders, but I want to live for myself. I want to find a reason to be around, and be something more than the sum of my parts.

I had a rough few months where it was really hard to even be alive and face the issues I was dealing with. There were days were I'd be at a crossing and see a bus in front of me and think, "what if I just walked right into it? what would change?". I guess due to cowardice and fear, I never really acted upon those thoughts. Nothing could motivate me or give me purpose, my grades slipped, I lost all my friends, there were days where I wondered why I was even alive if my existence was so bleak and empty. My major gave me no joy, my classes flashed past me, and by the end of the day I'd be in an alcohol induced daze in my room, waiting for the next pointless day to arrive. I stopped caring for myself completely, my temper would frequently flare, I cut off family and the few friends who even thought i was worth checking up on. I honestly did not know what to do, I'm lucky my semester ended when it did, otherwise I don't know what would have happened.

I've been alone, and isolated from friends either via drifting away or life happening; and it's really difficult to push myself to make more relationships that especially at this stage of my life might be fleeting, but it's better to have and lose friends than to lock myself in my dorm and ignore my flaws and problems. It's easier for me to dwell on my issues with self-esteem and confidence, than it is for me to actively take steps against them; but if I never try to introspect and fix my issues, then they'll always be around, constantly simmering away underneath the surface.

To that end, I pose an open question: how do you cope? how do you deal, with these growing pangs? with loneliness, loss of purpose? I'm sure I'm not the only one dealing with this; a fresh new perspective will do me, and others some good so don't hesitate to answer.
 
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To that end, I pose an open question: how do you cope? how do you deal, with these growing pangs? with loneliness, loss of purpose? I'm sure I'm not the only one dealing with this; a fresh new perspective will do me, and others some good so don't hesitate to answer.
Occupying my mind with something extra like pokemon or league or social activities online for example and be too immersed in things about it, even if I dont get much or any enjoyment off it, I can keep my mind off the bad. The drawback is caring too much about what you're not supposed to and whenever I stop to think about life things dont go well, so that "int irl" escapism is not exactly ideal. I usually dont feel lonely when I'm with friends and doing things with them, especially online ones, but I feel very lonely without them and its understandable why do we isolate ourselfes sometimes, I've vanished a bunch of times but it's not a good thing to do at all, the healthy and pleasant social interaction does wonders to the mind, even if these feel like it will be a burden beforehand. I lost my count at how many times I was invited to stuff but didnt want to talk to anyone at all and then accepted off not wanting to upset the friends and then it ended up being something very pleasant for me too. It's not like isolating yourself is a crime against others so if there are people you really like and you are isolated from right now, do talk with them again, it's a good thing. You do deserve people's care and kindness if they give that to you, dont let your mind say otherwise and take it.

I feel for you and can relate to pretty much everything, and you seem to be in the right path of recovery: you're in teraphy and its great that you're very self aware of your feelings and mood, that trait took me a while to get since im a goddamn rollercoaster irl, I still am overly reactive to the environment and what people think (or sometimes what I think they think..). We already know how we feel and what we should do to improve our mental health and find some purpose, but there's no motivation to do anything because of the situation or mood disorder itself, wich is a catch 22 and it's completely okay to feel that way, but it's something we can overcome and have to in order to recover.

Cynism and disregard for everything can be a big trap for getting worse, they seem to be the clear truth sometimes and it's completely understandable why we may act like that, but they aren't correct, things can always improve given time and taking the right steps, they have improved for a lot of people in many different ways.

I hope I helped in some way and best of luck man.
 
hello congregation.

i have been lurking on this thread since a while know, i dont know how to say this but it made me feeling a bit less lonely seeing people talking about things im curently living, but i never had the guts to post because i have a huge problem of self-confidence and i have a lot of troubles to talk about how im feeling, my emotions ect.

i'm a 19 yo n.e.e.t, i've been feeling really sad, lonely, it is like there is a cloud above my head, i have a lot of troubles to see the world in a positive way anymore, and i'm having a lot of troubles to enjoy things that i used to enjoy, or just enjoying new things despite trying to look at it in a "positive" way which become harder and harder while the time goes.

everyday 4 questions are in my mind:

- who would regret me if i would end my day?
- am i even doing positive/noticeable things?
- what am i gonna let behind me besides vague memories of a quiet and inexpressive man?
- is my life actually worth it?

four question that haunt me basically whenever my mind isn't focused on something.

i'm not talking to anyone regularly since a while, being locked in my room playing pokemon, watching movies, listening music has been my quotidian since a while now, not because im enjoying it, but only because it keeps my mind focused on something to pass the time, otherwise i think i'll become crazy.

internet has been the only way i felt confident while talking to someone else since i'm 12 i think, but since some time i've been mean to my online friends without any reasons and without wanting to.

i'm looking for a job since more than a year, but i have a huge lack of motivation and i have a lot of troubles to find qualities/things that are worth mentioning about myself, so everytime i tried, i got rejected and this made me feeling worse and worse, and i feel like im stuck in a vicious circle until i'll find a way to motivate myself which is probably the thing im working on the most actually but finding something motivating is really hard with how im feeling.

the worst thing about this is that i have a little brother and i have been a really bad example for him which makes me cry everytime i think about him. as i've been in really bad terms with both my dad and my mother i'm living at my aunt house until i find a job, but i know that my presence has been heavy since i moved here. im feeling like a parasite.

i have been thinking about ending my day almost everyday since now 2 years, but i know it isn't the solution and im going to start seeing a specialist soon because i want to go out and enjoy the life as i used to when i was younger, and speaking about how i feel to someone could be the way to start i think.

writing that post has been really hard because english is not my native language and as i said at the begining i have a LOT of troubles to speak about my feelings, but after lurking since so many time i felt like i needed to post in it, it could only be positive for myself, and after finishing my post i feel lighter, like if there is a weight that flew away.
 
I'm glad I found this thread, particularly PDC 's post. My loneliness has been a lot more pronounced recently, and my last two nights have just been sleepless introspection. I wrote this this morning.

What makes longterm depression related to loneliness so scary is the fact that it's rooted in the reality of who you are as a person.


Depression isn't like anxiety, where you can assuage your feelings by reminding yourself they're irrational. You become conscious both of the reality of the world around you and the reality of yourself. It's so sad that I'm coming to grips with my loneliness and actually accepting it as something that's going to be part of my life. I'm introverted by nature, and while I have amazing friends back home, I just can't relate to anyone. It just makes the feeling of loneliness so much more pronounced knowing that this is who I am by nature, I'm an introverted thinker, and that's not going to change. I realize how grateful I should be to have friends, but they can't be around 24/7, and the loneliness, and the depression associated with that loneliness, will always creep back. I realized that one of the ways I cope is by learning and consuming information, but that just further alienates me from other people. I have incredible knowledge of music, sports, history, and politics, but by delving into these pursuits I just further isolate myself from the people around me. Because I'm introverted, this is how I cope, and it's a cycle that's only going to keep repeating. I should be happy that this is how I cope, but my coping is just going to further more loneliness and therefore more depression. Fuck.

Why does loneliness make me depressed when I'm so happy being alone?
 
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I'm glad I found this thread, particularly PDC 's post. My loneliness has been a lot more pronounced recently, and my last two nights have just been sleepless introspection. I wrote this this morning.

What makes longterm depression related to loneliness so scary is the fact that it's rooted in the reality of who you are as a person.


Depression isn't like anxiety, where you can assuage your feelings by reminding yourself they're irrational. You become conscious both of the reality of the world around you and the reality of yourself. It's so sad that I'm coming to grips with my loneliness and actually accepting it as something that's going to be part of my life. I'm introverted by nature, and while I have amazing friends back home, I just can't relate to anyone. It just makes the feeling of loneliness so much more pronounced knowing that this is who I am by nature, I'm an introverted thinker, and that's not going to change. I realize how grateful I should be to have friends, but they can't be around 24/7, and the loneliness, and the depression associated with that loneliness, will always creep back. I realized that one of the ways I cope is by learning and consuming information, but that just further alienates me from other people. I have incredible knowledge of music, sports, history, and politics, but by delving into these pursuits I just further isolate myself from the people around me. Because I'm introverted, this is how I cope, and it's a cycle that's only going to keep repeating. I should be happy that this is how I cope, but my coping is just going to further more loneliness and therefore more depression. Fuck.

Why does loneliness make me depressed when I'm so happy being alone?
Well, when you’re alone, it’s just you and your thoughts. The voices in your head, whatever they may be. I’m also pretty introverted and like being alone, but you need to be with and interact with people, whether online or irl, to keep those depressing thoughts from lingering and festering in your own mind, with nothing and no one else to distract you or pull you out of the darkness.

The way I personally deal with any bouts of depression (which mind you, I’m a kid who probably hasn’t experienced half of what most people in this thread have), is to help people, and be that someone to talk to for someone else. My parents got divorced a couple years ago, and while I saw it coming from a mile away, my siblings were blindsided and devastated by it. They needed someone to talk to. Someone to trust. A semblance of consistency in their lives, that had just been flipped on their heads. So, I decided to be that cornerstone for them. That consistency. That anchor that will pull them out of the darkness, and get them back into reality. And with that, I honestly helped myself more than anybody. I know, then, that even through those bouts of depression, in those moments of self-loathing that I have more and more often, that I can’t leave. ‘Cause if I do, what’ll happen to my siblings? My parents? My family and friends? They keep me grounded just as much, if not more than I keep them. So, even in those times where I just don’t care about myself, about my life, and I think I mean nothing to the world, I know that at least I can help someone who does.

So, those are my ramblings on depression and stuff. I’m young, sheltered and uneducated, and I haven’t truly gone through what most people in this thread have, but hopefully this post holds at least a modicum of significance, and maybe even helps someone. Thanks for reading.
 
I'm glad I found this thread, particularly PDC 's post. My loneliness has been a lot more pronounced recently, and my last two nights have just been sleepless introspection. I wrote this this morning.

What makes longterm depression related to loneliness so scary is the fact that it's rooted in the reality of who you are as a person.


Depression isn't like anxiety, where you can assuage your feelings by reminding yourself they're irrational. You become conscious both of the reality of the world around you and the reality of yourself. It's so sad that I'm coming to grips with my loneliness and actually accepting it as something that's going to be part of my life. I'm introverted by nature, and while I have amazing friends back home, I just can't relate to anyone. It just makes the feeling of loneliness so much more pronounced knowing that this is who I am by nature, I'm an introverted thinker, and that's not going to change. I realize how grateful I should be to have friends, but they can't be around 24/7, and the loneliness, and the depression associated with that loneliness, will always creep back. I realized that one of the ways I cope is by learning and consuming information, but that just further alienates me from other people. I have incredible knowledge of music, sports, history, and politics, but by delving into these pursuits I just further isolate myself from the people around me. Because I'm introverted, this is how I cope, and it's a cycle that's only going to keep repeating. I should be happy that this is how I cope, but my coping is just going to further more loneliness and therefore more depression. Fuck.

Why does loneliness make me depressed when I'm so happy being alone?
Gonna throw it out there that gaming sessions can be helpful as you can recharge while your mind is still occupied.

If you're still at school/uni then there should be groups that revolve around the interests you mention, so they can act to mitigate loneliness rather than increase it. If you're out of the education system it can be a bit harder, but there are still ways of connecting with people that have similar interests. The key thing is finding a group (or individual) that can meet up locally. That's down to a bit of research, but there are some sites that can help. For instance, there's a site meetup.com that might be useful (never actually used it tho so idk), and there may be other sites that also work. To meet up with individuals you could even try dating apps and just say you're looking for friends, as most of them allow for that use (some even explicitly include it as a feature- Bumble springs to mind, but again I haven't used the bff mode). Actually I just googled friend finder apps, there are a bunch available but idk about any of them
 
hey everyone - I don't deal with depression anymore and I never actually have, but I've been through awful anxiety that was caused by traumatic experiences and I still deal with PTSD

to make a really long story short, I went through issues with my parents, like alcohol abuse, drug use, and emotional abuse, alongside a long list of other stuff. for some reason, the words that were thrown at me by people never made me depressed, just anxious. but the thing is, feeling anxious always weighs down on you so much, that your thoughts are always not clear because you're worrying so much all the time. being anxious is honestly a pretty similar feeling to being depressed - it feels like there's always a cloud of shit you have to worry about always above you and you can't ever go 5 minutes without worrying about something like "fuck, I wonder if my dad's drinking at home right now" alongside other shit and it just never goes away, literally ever, and it's so annoying and debilitating that it's hard to live with. it also does other shit, like impact your social life and skills, trust in other people, and the ability to make friendships. does this sound similar to depression to you? in reality, the 2 are closely related and they often cause each other, i.e I'm depressed because I'm anxious all the time. also, if it's your parents that are making you anxious or depressed, and you tell them it's because of them, they get all offended and won't take you to get help anywhere. and if you're a male, you're told to man up and take it like a man, so you never get support and you deal with it alone until the people or thing causing it goes away, and that often takes months or years to happen, which was the case with me.

then you just want everything to go away so badly and in those moments I knew what it meant to truly want to not be on the planet anymore, and for everything to go away, and it's hard to fight those thoughts and feelings that come up, like "no one would care if I'm gone" and as a kid in 5th - 7th grade there's only so much you can do and say to change your life situation because the people in control of your life don't want to change themselves for the better and for you.

pretty long ramble and I basically just repeated what other people in the thread have been saying, but I just wanted to get my thoughts out for anyone who wanted to read
 
I didn't think I'd be posting here again for a while but do you guys ever experience days in which you feel hopelessness is higher than usual whilst mood is way, way lower than usual to the point even internet company is difficult?

For no reason I could explain (aside from maybe my eating...) I'm experiencing that pretty heavily atm, can't really figure a way to shake out of it so residing in music for now and ignoring pretty much everyone I usually talk to...

I'll probably be okay later as I'm going out to see people but... any tips on coping/distracting in the mean time?
 
Usually when I see myself down and feeling that way I try to force myself out because I know I can be very prone to downward spirals and dissociation even. If you don't feel that it's too bad for you to have those moments - and being honest, sometimes it can be good to have that kind of moments to meditate and reflect, to try to understand what's going on - you could try some kind of more "active" art besides music or try to be more in contact with nature not in a new age way but in the Heidegger way.

Maybe going to a museum or an exposition if there's this kind of thing close to where you live or seeing a play, even if it is a bad one (they usually are lol). Going to a walk in the park or fishing can also be a very good way to keep a troubled mind clean. Basically, if you go out and try to just feel something else, maybe you won't think about yourself or your problems. Usually it works for me when I have to do things alone, maybe it can help you too.
 
Just had an entire group of friends (10+) tell me that they've secretly hated me since we met and only kept me along cause I'm funny / good at video games but now they're sick of me. They all unfriended me online, in games, and on just about every platform we shared but they kept me in the group chat / discord so they could mock me.

Apparently this hate comes from a lie one of them told about me that two of them know is a lie but think it's funny to go along with.

I was doing so well with being positive and enjoying being social but now I'm kind of just done with friendships for a while.
 
I wake up from horrific dreams feeling a sense of abandonment and loss. I don't know how to battle these feelings. All social desires have been drained from me. At this point, I feel as if nothing in this world has much if not any meaning.
I'm afraid and I don't know what to do.
 

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