I wish depression worked the way it does in movies.
I wish that the Hollywood facsimile of mental illness we're exposed to time and time again was all that it was--this solvable, beatable sickness. I wish my depression gave me an attractive air of melancholy rather than making it almost impossible for me to do basic things. I wish that I didn't have such trepidation showering in the morning because I don’t want to walk by a mirror and be exposed to what my brain determines is a disgusting, insufficient human being.
I wish my depression inspired me to write poignant verses about existential pain and ennui. Instead, it fills my brain with an impenetrable fog that robs me of the only skill of mine I've ever had any cause to be proud of, making me feel even more useless than before.
I wish my depression made me brooding and handsome rather than neurotic and insecure and constantly sure that everybody I love thinks I'm worthless. I wish my depression could be cured through true love or sunshine or finding my calling in life, because I've tried all those things and I'm still as empty as before. I wish that I was able to successfully defeat it with tablets instead of having dealt with their miserable side-effects, because feeling unlike yourself all the time is supposed to be better than the alternative.
Depression is a vile thing that lives in my brain, a cancer eating me alive from the inside out, and there is nothing I can do to stop it, only slow it down. It is a thing one fights with doctors and pills and support groups and oneself with the sure and certain knowledge that it will win anyway. Depression is an upward slope with no peak in sight. People talk about a battle, a struggle, like it's something that can be beaten, like there is anything brave or noble or heroic about it, like it is anything other than sick and twisted and ugly; something that corrupts everything it touches. If this is a fight, it is against a vastly superior, better-equipped enemy: a fight against impossible odds. If this is a fight, I'm losing. If this is a fight, I've lost.
I wish depression worked like it does in movies. Instead, it is the reason I sometimes lie in bed for six, eight, twelve hours at a time just mindlessly staring at the ceiling, unable to get up even though I'm hungry and haven't eaten in days, even though I know I'd feel better if I read a book or took a shower or did quite literally anything at all. There's something very uniquely dehumanising about spending an entire six hours thinking to yourself, "my laptop is right next to me, I could open it and watch Netflix until I feel better," but being unable to do even that because the fog is so thick you've forgotten how to make your muscles work. It feels like being trapped within your body. It feels like being subhuman. It feels like not being alive.
I wish my depression made me the dashing, albeit pale hero of a novel about star-crossed lovers or sparkling vampires, but it doesn't—it makes me violently angry, makes want to tear the skin off my own body because I am so repulsed with everything about myself and feel like I deserve to be punished for existing; makes me want to get into a car in the middle of the night and drive it off a cliff because it feels the world would be a better place without me; makes me want to destroy every personal relationship I've ever built because I feel I don't deserve love or affection or attention or happiness or humanity. Depression tells me, over and over and over again in the voices of everyone I've ever known and loved and wanted to love me back, that there is nothing redeemable about me, not one thing; that the only thing I can do to improve the world is take myself out of it. It tells me that every minute of every day and I'm somehow meant to find the strength to ignore it. I cannot think of anything more cruel and tantalising than that.
Depression is a death sentence, slow and painful and impossible to escape. The day I was told I was clinically depressed, I heard the cell door clanging shut behind me and knew I would never be free of this. I have known for quite some time that this would be the thing that kills me. They say we have biological clocks inside of us. This is mine: a ticking in the back of my head even when I'm happy, even on my best days, even when life is good, reminding me that there is a cancer inside of me, eating me alive from the inside out, and that one day there will be nothing left for it to devour, no good or bright or beautiful thing left for it to take, and that will be the end of me, an entire lifetime of pain too late.
It'll drive me mad one day, probably.
It's driving me mad, probably.
It's driven me mad, probably.
Everyone dies and everyone is dying and I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself. I don't feel sorry for myself at all, because part of being depressed is being absolutely certain that there must have been something you did, some inherent defect of the self, to make you deserving of this. I dream of finding mine and gouging it out of me, excising it like one does a tumour, a clean cut of the scalpel, making sure to get every last bit around the edges so that it can never grow back. But I know that will never happen, because the truth is that depression isn't a tumour—it's toxin spreading through my veins with every beat of my heart, and the only way to end it is to make my heart stop.
I wish depression worked the way it does in movies. I wish I could write this without knowing that it will make people a little more fearful, a little more distant, a little more disgusted than they already are. I wish depression was turning your pain into art and sad songs making sense, but it's not; it's a life where there are no sad songs because there is no music at all, nothing beautiful, nothing poignant, no soul to anything. Depression is soullessness. Depression is the absence of anything other than absence. Depression is an immeasurable abyss that you can't see the bottom of. Depression is a cancer eating me alive from the inside out, reducing me to nothing.
I wish depression worked the way it does in the movies.