I am posting this here because I feel I have no where else to post.
When it comes to competitive pokemon, this game was a decent way to escape from the real world. While it doesn't sound like a bad thing, if it involves an obsession, it can become destructive and fatal to the human spirit. This game is all I think about. I think about at work, I think about it when I sleep. I think about what I want to bring next vs my opponent, I think about what I'm doing for teammates in team tours, I think about what others think of me, etc. All I do is consistently think about this game. I can't help it. I've put so much work into this obsession, yet at the end of the day, my work was rewarded minimally and I feel minimal pleasure from it. I do not get paid of my work nor paid to play. I am treating this like an actual sport that I play. I consistently work on teambuilding, thinking of strategies and plays vs another human being and trying to beat them. Why do I put in all this work for nothing? Because I love the game, yes? It is fun to do on your spare time as a child who isn't working, but for an adult, you forget that you have bills to pay.
I have wasted a bunch of my time here on this site that I shut out the real world. I am a 22-year-old male, however being online on Smogon, I feel as if I'm a child. On this site I act insecure and immature. I also became something evil. Zamrock, the individual I have created in this community, developed into a system to feed anger, greed, resentment, and being egotistic. When something outside of my control happens, my actions toward the innocent become traumatic and hurtful. Could be something simple like hax on the ladder or something I had control over but was too angry to make the right decision. I've cause a lot of pain on people here and that pain has reflected back on me and how I think. The pain from insulting others, feeling a sense of astray in specific places, and doing the wrong thing for my own self pleasure. None of you deserve these actions from me. I'm only angry at the unfairness this game possess, but I can never hate anyone. However, all of this lead to me feeling unhappy.
I do not blame anyone for this, I only blame myself and my lack of self control. I continually tell others that I am going to change, but yet no change was seen by me. I'm tired of lying about this matter as I feel if I mess up again, I will be isolated. I never show these traits outside of this website. When online, you feel like a God, because you can do anything and say anything on the Internet without getting into trouble. As a child, I feel this was the only way to fit in. When I say "work my way up" in the community, I had to show a sense of aggression to get what I want, even if it means hurting someone else. My aggression may have gotten me into 2 SPL finals, a POT Ribbon on Pokemon Online, a WCoP Trophy, as well as many team tours where my name is permanently placed, however even with my success, I feel no sense of accomplishment as it was damaged by my negative actions and negative feelings.
It is very hard to apologize to the ones I hurt because I only feel it'll just be naked words, not a words of meaning. Do not fret as I will make sure I will not cause harm to anyone else on Smogon. I will not ask forgiveness from you all, it will be your choice on that matter. Just understand that my favorite game of Pokemon has been associated with the negative to me. I'm now trying to terminate my negativity to focus on something more worth while and to be happy again. It has become a point in my life where I do not find enjoyment in this game anymore. I decided to move on and find something more positively fitting to acquire change. I will use my talents for something else more important than this, to create personal wealth and hoping to make the world a better place. I cannot do that here on Smogon. I do not wish to live the life of Zamrock anymore.
I am here to announce to the TDs that I am giving up my playoff spot for this OLT, because today I decided to retire from competitive pokemon as a whole. You may give my sacrificed spot to the next available sub with full permission. I will not be playing in tours anymore.
This is a hard decision for me because this is a change, and change is very hard. I'm trying to cure an addiction. Pokemon is a drug in my eyes: I crave the immediate mental pleasures the game delivers and feel a sense of belonging and escape from my real world problems. This addiction needs to be controlled by me and I need to get away from the source of my addiction. It is time for me to take my aggressive traits to the outside and use it to fight my obstacles in life as if they were opponent in the finals. I hope you all understand, especially to my friends here on this site as you will be dearly missed. Continue you strive to the top as you were before, as you will only breed success.
Before I leave, I want to also announce that there is a short message pastebin in my status message. This message contains a way to have access to all of my teams, which I have no use for anymore but I know someone else here will. Look into it if it interests you.
It was an honor to participate in high-level events with all of you, and I hope I gave you enough of my worthy competition.