Eeveelution Pokerap

By Th!nkPi. Art by Bummer.
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Hold up, sun! Let the Umbreon in.
Imma shed some Moonlight on the power within.
Your Swords Dance game is your ultimate doom.
I play dirty my dude, 'cause when I walk in the room
I call it Foul Play. Whoops! I dented your strat.
I'm taking over my man. It's 'cause you got no tact.
As a matter of fact, I'm backing up my team.
I Wish a sweeper would try to crush my dreams!
'Cause when I Toxic, I rock this. Come touch this Special D, shit
I'm wallin' like a rock. Whattup! You keep fallin' like a top. Get up!
Protectin' all my comrades and leavin' haters so mad,
I guess my trainer's so glad that I spanked yo sweeper so bad!


Don't messpeon with my Espeon.
'Cause my OU tricks will finish you quick.
You're chasing me and pursuing my butt
like I don't pass batons when I'm stuck in a rut.
Bitchin' 'bout switch-ins, always predictin' yet missin',
and you're still hittin' with mittens like Pokébitches in kitchens.
I keep storing. I'm whoring all of my stat boosts. In Hoenn,
I take down Swampert and Golem with all my Grass Knots, I'm soarin'
over the Scizor like "damn, my HP Fire is glam!"
Mind my calmness. I'm on this. Don't be so Psyshocked. I am
the inner core of my groupies. I hold my own and I do me
so please do you, fellow homies. Flex all your strength and come show me!


Let it go.
This battle was over before it began.
I hate to be so cold, but the truth must stand.
Just look. You're frozen.
How could you match up?
You're all shaking with fear, so how could you catch up?
I'm spittin' fire and ice. Call me Robert Frost.
You can't battle when you know the war is lost.
My breath is scary. Don't bother boostin' all of your stats.
It's critical you realize you can't win with that.
You'll throw rocks of stealth, but I'm not afraid of your boulders.
I'll leave your team in a Blizzard and give them all the cold shoulder.


Pokémon hustlin',
Pokémon tusslin',
and my Leafeon's musclin'
while your jimmies stay rustlin'.
I guess Speed doesn't matter
when I'm a hybrid attacker.
I'll take a hit or two, come back,
and watch reality shatter.
You fought. You thought you had a chance to win.
I may be Never Used but never doubt my Defense again.
I'll ring a Heal Bell and tell my team the status is lifted.
Watch out for the comeback! The battle just shifted.


Let me tell you a story peons!
A roarin' Vaporeon
phazed the rebels. She shuffled.
She's not afraid of a scuffle.
You see, she rests with the best
because next turn be impressed.
Hydration cured her while Kyurem
tried hard to ensure her arrest.
Shakin' off all the enemies,
Scaldin' foes and detesting, see
she could care less for bulky types.
She just stalls with her Toxic might!
Massive health is her saving grace.
She's in OU, her rightful place.
She's a goddess. You want a taste?
Say it straight to her godly face!


Zipping past the opponents,
Zapping ass in the moment,
he's making paths in the zone and
he's breaking bad 'cause he owns it.
He might as well be on Speed
when he's scoutin' moves in the field.
He's sizing up all his threats
but none of his moves ever yield.
When you're thinking you got this
he switches volts on a whim.
You're sweatin' and frettin', wond'rin'
who's next after him?
With GyaraJolt he's BoltBeamin',
hot on his feet and you're steamin'.
With HP Ice he's a demon.
Farewell Garchomp! He's just teasin'.


In Gen V they all doubted me,
yet I knew so undoubtedly
I'd come back with a vengeance.
I said I'm back and I meant it!
So take a seat and look up.
You look so scared and shook up.
But I think I know the reason, it's
my fantastic Flare Blitz! Shut up
and marvel my magic.
My sweeps are nasty and tragic.
I got Guts and I've had it!
I'm gonna blaze like an addict.
Superpower my powers
and let me Bite you, devour
your checks and counters. I'm lethal,
so screw those ungrateful people!


Ayooooo, 'mons! It's the ultimate entrance.
Angel from the sky, I'm a true godsend. Since
the early times, Pokémon weren't ready for this.
Dragons ruled the land, it wasn't 'til Gen 6
that I made a debut, and epic trainers like you,
yea you and all of your crew, the ones who choose to refuse
that all the Dragons are bomb, so let's show 'em a fuse.
Let's use the Fairy-types to show 'em that they're yesterday's news!
I'm talkin' Moonblast. I'm talkin' bout a Draining Kiss.
I'm talkin' 'bout the Dragon moves that always miss.
They call me Illveon, 'cause frankly all my skills are sick.
It's disgusting how busted my Fairy typing is.
Don't quit on me. I've waited an eternity.
Yeah, I know that y'all have never really heard of me.
I was biding and hiding, letting the dragons reign
so I could come out and devastate the whole metagame!


Now that you're well informed
of all eight forms of my scorn,
fear me and all of my power!
A new era is born.
Next time you're standing before me
don't be so quick to claim victory.
Im adaptable, son.
Don't mess with EEVEE–LU–TIONS!

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