Serious LGBTQ

[jumpluff]

Hello! I suppose I identify with this thread. I'm pansexual (and pangender/genderqueer) and I'm not partial to any specific genders. However, I thought I was straight until I was 19 years old! It took weeks of introspection and "Would I...?" to realize I was just sexually complicated.

Anywho, I'd like to gush a little here about a recent experience at Anime Boston this past week, as well as ask a question. Though I've come to terms with my sexuality over 2 years now I hadn't actually made a connection with a guy. I was able to meet a stranger and make a connection, and I made a friend at the con. I ended up flirting with him over the weekend! It was a big step for me. I was at the con with a friend I've known since middle school but that was the first time he saw me act that way with a guy as well, and it felt like a big step to feel comfortable in my skin around people who knew me from long before I came out.

Which brings me to my question for the LGTBQ people here! Do any of you have friends you made from before you came out that you still feel weird about being yourself around? Terrible wording, I know. But in my case, I have friends from when I thought I only liked women, and now that I know I like people I still feel shy around being comfy with guys when I'm around old friends who haven't seen it or aren't used to it. Rather, I'm not used to being that way around them I'd say ^^

I've been out on the internet as long as I've been comfortable with it (12 with some, 13–14 with everyone... I'm 20), which is a very long time and encompasses all the people I still have any contact with. Offline I haven't had many close friends, although I had a few friendship groups in primary school. In high school I was in the misfit clique, I suppose (i.e. goth/emo girls + me—three of us were queer and embarrassingly obsessed with Japan for various reasons), and I was the first person one of them came out to. So she was the first person I came out to offline, and I felt very normal around her. She ended up in a relationship with the other girl that continued past high school, and that girl was bullied quite a lot for being a lesbian and moved to an all-girls' (lol) Anglican school I used to attend, so it was normal for us to discuss all kinds of aspects of it.

When I dropped out we fell out of touch sadly, but I still have my best friend from primary school. While my mom and my brother know I'm queer, I've never told her and it's never come up in conversation. I do feel awkward around her sometimes when our conversations become very heterosexual, especially since I'm not very sexually inclined; I'm interested in her romantic life, but I feel very uncomfortable discussing the attractiveness of male celebrities and so on, or her pressuring me about showing no interest in boys. (I think up until this point she's just assumed I'm a late bloomer, since I've been reclusive most of my adolescence—hi, heteronormativity).

I don't feel comfortable telling her because I'm afraid she'll jump to the conclusion I'm interested in her and that would be painfully awkward; we have very sororal relations and she's a very good friend and I'd hate to create that awkwardness because I'm not sure she would fully understand. I believe she would accept it, but that it would be strange to her, so yeah. I also feel like it's something so natural about me that I hate to draw specific attention to it, but that's just me.

Congratulations on figuring out more about your identity and meeting people!

 

[Th!nkPi]

I see what you mean jumpluff. It was weird telling one of my guy friends who I felt wouldn't understand, but I also felt like I was lying if I didn't tell him. Luckily for me people do change and grow up with time and he was cool about it. Funny enough, my gay friend had a harder time accepting it than my straight friend. For a moment, he gave me crap for it because he wanted to make sure I wasn't saying it to feel included or special. -____- He apologized afterwards though. I suppose I understand the defensiveness of his position, but even if someone says they're something and then changes their mind I don't bar curiosity. Sexuality is fluid.

I hope you're able to tell her one day, but I'm sure you don't want to ruin the friendship you have with her. Perhaps you can gauge how she acts around other women who aren't straight, as a basis for how she'd react to you. It seems like you're doing fine without telling her though ^^'

And thanks a lot for the last comment. Um...the same guy I'm talking about legit confessed to me yesterday that he liked me, so I'm in a whole tizzy of emotions >< But it truly is a big step for me, and perhaps I'll have the opportunity to date someone before actually establishing a relationship. It'll be fun :D

 

[EV]

Random tangent...
I just have to say from where things were on the Internet when I was in high school, I think overall representation and acceptance have truly improved. IIRC, and it has been ... 10-12 years?, so when I was like 15-17, the only place you could really have a conversation with other gay people was in a chat room on AOL or something and even then it was usually for random roleplaying/chat sex stuff. I logged in just to talk to other LGBTQ+ people because there really was nowhere else.

The fact that you can express these kinds of sentiments on a website primarily devoted to competitive Pokemon battling is quite liberating and fascinating, maybe because that's just my experience with the Internets. I can't imagine how it feels to someone just coming of age right now, who will grow up in a far more accepting society and will face far fewer hurdles to fitting in (I hope, unless certain segments of our political system continue to roll the clocks back around the country). Or how it feels for someone who had NOTHING like this growing up and felt so alone. And of course I speak of this as a kid growing up in the PNW of America. I don't speak for anyone else but myself.

 

[Th!nkPi]

I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiments! But the fight is far from over I'd say and I feel like there are tons of teens and adults out there still dealing with some brutal treatment. On the internet acceptance has improved, and some countries more than others as well. But a lot of other countries are still in peril over sexual orientation issues so if there's anything we can do with our newfound freedom on the internet it's to drive support for LGBTQ rights and bring attention to those who are getting the shit end of the stick, geographically speaking. If even 5 mins, spend a little time looking at what you can to help out teens in other countries who battle the same type of issues we had on the internet about a decade ago. One personal fave site of mine is kinseyconfidential.org, they usually have a tons of great links for anything regarding sexuality (which includes the politics and whatnot).

 

[EV]

I just think it's ridiculous that it's even a political "issue". Like, fuck off it's my life. Why the fuck should anyone else get to vote on that??

/Eevee Rage

 

[Rotosect]

Until very recently I thought that you should refer to transgender people using their birth gender until someone called me out on that, telling me it was a rude thing to do.
In 28 years of my life nobody told me such a thing, and to this day the very thought of addressing a transgender person without using anything other than their birth gender still sounds unnatural to me, even though I mean no offense to them. Then again I have never met any transgender person until recently so I guess this is what happens when you're ignorant/confused about the issue.

Still, as I said, this sounds weird to me because it feels like my brain is telling me "You know this person was born male and you're trying to tell me she's female? Are you stupid or what?".
I suppose people who were labeled as "homophobic" underwent a similiar transition in the years when homosexuality shifted from "mental illness" to "acceptable" status.
Bottom line is not all discrimination is intentional, sometimes it's just a natural response from your own mind.

 

[Woodchuck]

Keep in mind that you cannot separate the "natural response from your own mind" from the responses you have been conditioned with by society.

 

[Th!nkPi]

I struggle with the transgender thing. I feel split, because on one end I respect people's choice to identify with whatever gender they want. On the other end, I can be given shit for saying the wrong pronoun unintentionally, just to find out the same person a year later now switches back to identifying as the original gender they were born with and I'm just like WTF you give me hassle when I say one, then you go change it a year later, make up your damn mind! It's happened to be me before and I start getting sick of it. I've come to learn that some transgender people are reasonably patient and others are simply prude (for lack of a better word) about the gender pronoun situation.

At this point I just use the person's name over and over, even if they find it annoying that I repeat it and avoid using pronouns. The confusion of switching back and forth and the frustration of some transgender people who are flaky in how they identify is too much for me to handle.

 

[Shiny_Tyranitar]

Th!nkPi, most transgendered individuals do not just flip names and pronouns for shits and giggles. I'm sure there are some out there, thanks to the explosion of trans-species, trans-ethnic, trans-fat fads on tumblr. But, I have never met a transperson who flippantly de-transitioned. I can only recall one person, a transman, who decided to "de-transition," and that was because of a shitty family situation. He's now living on his own, and very comfortably male (proving that he always identified as male, and it was his family that made him decide to "change back").

As to getting pronouns right, most of the time, transpeople know when it's a sincere mistake and when there's malice. With me, it bothers me a lot when my family gets name and pronouns wrong. I have been out and on hormones for 2.5 years, lived full-time as a girl for two years, changed my name, everyone in society sees me as female... I guess, how long should I have to wait for them to get it right? Or others? Of course, even if it is a mistake, that doesn't make it hurt any less, and when you look at it from our perspective, it's no less offensive. The worst thing someone can call me isn't a "(BAN ME PLEASE)" or a "(BAN ME PLEASE)," it's "he" or "him." I doubt a black person would if a white person "slipped up" and called him the "n-word" be as forgiving as cis-people expect trans-people to be. And I further doubt nobody would expect him to be. The reason being the same between trans people and black people in this example; those "mistakes" as cis-people like to call them, are moments of brutal honesty for us. We hear the wrong name/pronoun and we realize this person just told us how they truly see us, and not how we are or wish to be perceived.

I think this article outlines how important pronouns are: http://laurustina.com/the-honey-and-vinegar-of-pronouns/

 

[Th!nkPi]

Truth is, this person was very adamant about it at first. They were born a girl, but didn't feel girly at all and planned to get a sex change. They were intelligent, in their last year of high school and very committed to their identity. I would have been an absolute jerk to have put them down or anything of that sort for their decision, and as far as I saw they were fully committed to it.

A year later and some time to think in college and they were lost. They resorted to feeling genderqueer, all of a sudden being ok with coming off as girly some days and guyish other days. I mean, I can relate to the pull of feeling a mix of masculine and feminine traits. Some days the pull is stronger to one side than it is the other too. I don't want to fault them for that.

I feel like it's very easy to get pronouns right when the person is wearing their identity both inside and out. It's like someone who's born a guy identifying as a female, and wanting to be referred to as she, yet does nothing to change their masculine image. In many ways they act like, dress like, and come off as a guy, and yet they are keen on being referred to as a woman. That is where it confuses me, and even as I say this I feel I sound shallow, as if there was a way to materialistically express one's identity, and I can the feel the inner me cringing over the implication of a gender binary, but like...if you're physically confusing me then my head is going to go bonkers and I'm going to slip up every now and then. I think when it comes down to it, this is how I feel about all transgender folk:

I will do my best in making you comfortable as a transgender person, but you need to do your best in helping me get comfortable with the transition as well. If you give me shit for making an honest mistake I'm only going to feel more stressed out when I'm around you, and I'd rather avoid you than to feel nervewracked every time I address you. Understand that I spend my entire life associating someone's sex with a pronoun, not gender, and that my mind is rooted in the visual associations of those words. Mistakes will happen, and you aren't the only one who feels uncomfortable with it afterwards.

 

[Demoness]

Which brings me to my question for the LGTBQ people here! Do any of you have friends you made from before you came out that you still feel weird about being yourself around?

Th!nkPi
Yeah, I do. Figuring out I was transgendered made me realize that I was in love with my closest friend. Basically, he pulled me out of a horrible period of hatred and depression I was stuck in at 11th grade, and at that time, I didn't have (or realized that I had) romantic feelings towards him: I just considered him a really close friend that was much more accepting of my shows of affection then anyone else I knew. When I realized that I had romantic and sexual feelings towards him, my initial reaction was to tell him, but now I don't think it is such a good idea. I'm not afraid of him not wanting to be with me the same way I do; I can handle not having him as a lover. What I am scared of is if I tell him that I love him, It will cause this awkward tension in our friendship that I don't want. He most likely won't say it or show it to me clearly, but I know him well enough that I will be able to tell if he feels awkward to be around him. The problem with not telling him is that it will feel awkward for me being around him. I will just feel so stressed out talking to him, knowing that I am trying to hide how I truly feel about him, and I won't be able to stand living with that either.

I guess the one thing I can take out of this whole thing is that I finally know that I do still want to have a relationship with someone, but that still just feels like a hollow victory...

 

[Minwu]

Berserker Lord

why don't you try talking about the parts of your relationship that you love right now to him? see what he thinks of that

 

[Th!nkPi]

Th!nkPi
Yeah, I do. Figuring out I was transgendered made me realize that I was in love with my closest friend. Basically, he pulled me out of a horrible period of hatred and depression I was stuck in at 11th grade, and at that time, I didn't have (or realized that I had) romantic feelings towards him: I just considered him a really close friend that was much more accepting of my shows of affection then anyone else I knew. When I realized that I had romantic and sexual feelings towards him, my initial reaction was to tell him, but now I don't think it is such a good idea. I'm not afraid of him not wanting to be with me the same way I do; I can handle not having him as a lover. What I am scared of is if I tell him that I love him, It will cause this awkward tension in our friendship that I don't want. He most likely won't say it or show it to me clearly, but I know him well enough that I will be able to tell if he feels awkward to be around him. The problem with not telling him is that it will feel awkward for me being around him. I will just feel so stressed out talking to him, knowing that I am trying to hide how I truly feel about him, and I won't be able to stand living with that either.

I guess the one thing I can take out of this whole thing is that I finally know that I do still want to have a relationship with someone, but that still just feels like a hollow victory...

My friend told me a common thing LGBTQ people go through is falling in love with an unsuspecting best friend and battling the feelings that go with it. I don't think there's foolproof advice for this kind of situation and I've never really had this pain growing up. My only thought is that it's better to come out with it when both people are older and particularly when they're both out of school.

One thing I can assure you is that regardless of sexual orientation friends drift away from each other as they get older and go through college and whatnot. Growing distance betweem friends will happen unless you actively rope them into your life. If the pain becomes too much though it's better to confess. It hurts too much to hold that in on your own. This is the same friend that pulled you out of despair before, and I'm sure they could do the same for you even if they're the cause of it. It's better to be on a path to healing then to continue a path of torturing yourself and enduring the unnecessary pain.

I think it's a good thing you shared that here though. Perhaps you can get different perspectives, or maybe even advice from someone who's been through it :)

 

[Demoness]

Minwu and Th!nkPi
Yeah, I think doing a little blend of both of your ideas is the best option I have. I'm going to tell him because I don't need another thing in my life to constantly cause me stress.

jumpluff
I would say that it would be a good idea to tell her that you are queer. If she is pressuring you about not showing any interest in guys, and that is making you feel uncomfortable, then you should explain to her that you are not interested in guys. Of course, that does come with the huge risk of her jumping to conclusions, but if you two have been best friends for a long time, she should be able to realize that you are not romantically or sexually interested in her. Of course,I do understand what you say about not wanting to risk causing a large amount of awkwardness, so I guess if you are fine with handling the conversation when it goes into areas that make you feel uncomfortable, you could just not tell her. Of course, I don't know nearly enough to give much better advice, but I would personally tell her if I was in your situation.

 

[jrp]

I'm gay, but I'd rather just stay celibate like I have been over the past 5 years than ever have to deal with the consequences of coming out or getting into a relationship in the first place.

that's basically how I've always felt. I didn't come to terms with it until i was 18 and at this point I don't want to have to deal with the consequences of letting people irl know about it besides a very specific few.

 

[dkkc19]

I'm gay, but I'd rather just stay celibate like I have been over the past 5 years than ever have to deal with the consequences of coming out or getting into a relationship in the first place.

What are the consequences of getting into a relationship?

Excuse this personal question, but where do you live? Would there be so many people against you if you come out? And you can be in a relationship without coming out, fuck what other people think just be happy.

 

[EV]

Everyone comes out in their own time, if at all. IDK, I don't feel like it's another person's place to question it or determine if it's beneficial to their well being. Gay/straight/bi or otherwise, it's not up to us what someone else wants to do, right? Which is what people in the LGBTQ+ community get mad about, right? Other people telling us what to do with our sexuality and lives.

What we really should be saying if we are in the position to offer advice is, "We're here if you need to talk."

And dkkc19, I'm not trying to administer this comment as some follow-up to yours to make your response into some example, per se. So please don't think I'm trying to criticize, I'm merely opining on your question: Would there be so many people against you if you come out? I would just hate for another person to feel pressured, because, speaking from personal experience, I've been there, too.

 

[KM]

The last couple posts have been really personally interesting to me as someone who's in the middle of coming out. I should start this post by saying that i'm extremely fortunate. I'm completely out online, and I'm out to my father (who basically straight up asked me), and two of my best friends, one of whom I came out to very recently. All of them have been wonderfully accepting and - more surprisingly - haven't pressured me to come out whatsoever.

However, it hasn't stopped me from having a ton of internal conflict. For the longest time, I felt like the root of my not wanting to come out was cowardice - that even though I rationally knew that it wouldn't be too big of a deal in school and in my family (for the most part), I was just too much of a pussy to say it. However, after a while, I realized the true connotations of coming out.

Straight, cis-gendered people do not have to come out. The reason I mention this is not to state that "ermg straighties have it so good wtf privelege", but rather to note a lasting acceptable trend in both the LGBT and straight communities. If a straight guy brings home his girlfriend at 16, it's expected - and it's pretty obvious why. For centuries, society has placed heterosexuality as what is normal and anything else as - at the very least - not normal, if not straight up detestable. However, the concept of publicly coming out, and telling the whole world that I like penis, just grates on me on an objective level. There are a couple of main concerns that I have.

• I will be defined by my sexuality. This is honestly one of my biggest fears. Although I am not the walking stereotype of a gay boy, I'm also not a picture of male heterosexual machismo. I'd much rather draw or play piano than I would play sports, I'm conscious of how I dress, 90% of my friends are girls. (DISCLAIMER: I'm recognizing stereotypes here, not enforcing them.) In essence, I'm "straight" enough that people who don't know me too well aren't immediately tipped off, and I'm "gay" enough that anyone who's really close to me has probably already guessed anyway. However, I feel as though if I come out publicly, I will suddenly become that one gay kid. I'm not looking to enter a relationship, I'm not craving random people to message me and go "my freind is gey you should totally hook up with him !@!!", and I'm not willing to be defined by my preferences. I feel like there's a very important distinction between being proud of one's sexuality and being defined by it, and I feel like that distinction isn't fully understood by society yet.
• Awkwardness. The rest of my family isn't all too socially conservative, but they're also not immediately accepting people. My father's incredibly cool with it, but my mother would at least struggle with it for a while. I'm sure she'd come to accept it eventually, I'm just not looking forward to the awkward conversations about making sure I know the dangers of anal sex, especially given that I plan on being celibate for a good while. My surviving grandparents are probably the biggest problem - they're both extremely religious and have a propensity to disown family members over trifles.
• Uselessness. At the end of the day, I don't feel like coming out is a personally necessary thing to do. Although love seems to be something that isn't really plannable, I don't count on being in a relationship, serious or otherwise, in the next couple years. I feel like the societal construct of being forced to declare one's sexuality to their friends, acquaintances and family is something that's more or less counterproductive to the overall push for equality. As long as "coming out" is a big deal, being anything other than a cisgendered heterosexual person will also be a big deal. Think about all the times in society when a person has to tell another person something serious. There are a couple of scenarios that spring to mind.
  • You're informing someone that someone is very ill or dead. (EX: Ms. Smith, I'm sorry to tell you, but you have breast cancer) OR
  • You're informing someone that you've committed a crime - either broken a law or gone against society's expectations. (EX: Dad, I got a boy pregnant) OR
  • You're informing someone that you're abandoning them physically, emotionally, or romantically (EX: I'm breaking up with you) OR
  • You're coming out.
• (Continuing last bullet). In other words, every other scenario like coming out is extraordinarily negative - you're relaying something bad to someone. Although the responses to coming out have the potential to be much better than the responses to the other scenarios, it doesn't change the fact that the act of coming out essentially defines it as a fearful, potentially disastrous revelation of a secret.

All of this said, I in no way want to be miscontrued as saying that anyone's coming out is a bad thing. It has the potential to be very healthy, regardless of the objective stupidity of it having to exist. For many people, coming out to others is in a way therapeutic - as if they're admitting to themselves their sexuality through telling other people. However, as someone who is fully conscious of their sexuality and isn't too rationally worried about the negative ramifications of coming out, am I obligated to announce to the world that I prefer one set of chromosomes over another?

 

[Th!nkPi]

Do you hide it? Do you come out and say it? Do you simply admit to it if one asks, and otherwise not mention it? There are all sorts of ways people deal with accepting their sexuality, and none of them are necessarily wrong. Do what's easiest for you and causes the least amount of problems.

 

[Demoness]

The thing is, you don't have to come out to the whole world. If you don't feel comfortable being public with expressing your sexual orientation, then you don't have to. Coming out doesn't mean that you have to announce to the whole world that you are gay/bi/trans/whatever: you can be as open as you want with it. If people define you based on the fact that you are gay, then they are honestly not the kind of people you should want to be with or know at all. Really, in the end, you should do what you believe is the best way to do things based on your experiences and personal beliefs.

 

[KM]

Do you hide it? Do you come out and say it? Do you simply admit to it if one asks, and otherwise not mention it? There are all sorts of ways people deal with accepting their sexuality, and none of them are necessarily wrong. Do what's easiest for you and causes the least amount of problems.

If anyone ever asked me point blank, and I felt as if they were being serious, and not just asking it in a douchey way, I would tell them for sure. Other than with my father, that actually hasn't happened though, weirdly enough.

The thing is, you don't have to come out to the whole world. If you don't feel comfortable being public with expressing your sexual orientation, then you don't have to. Coming out doesn't mean that you have to announce to the whole world that you are gay/bi/trans/whatever: you can be as open as you want with it. If people define you based on the fact that you are gay, then they are honestly not the kind of people you should want to be with or know at all. Really, in the end, you should do what you believe is the best way to do things based on your experiences and personal beliefs.

I would never be friend with someone who decides continually to define me purely on my sexuality. However, at the end of the day I don't really have a choice in knowing or not knowing these people, and I feel as though I can avoid their existence as people who define me that way if I don't publicly come out. Sort of circuitous, I know, but it makes sense to me.

Thanks to both of you for the support and for confirming what I guess I'd more or less already decided. I feel like there's this massive societal expectation within the LGBT community that you have this revelation and all of a sudden you come out of the woodworking as an "out and proud" member. It's comforting for me to know that you guys don't think it has to be that explosive of a thing; if we can get everyone to think that eventually that'd be a great sign ^.^

 

[Demoness]

Well, what I meant by "knowing" was I guess actually having social interactions with them that is more than just acknowledging their existence. For me, I wouldn't really care what some random passerby thought of me being transgender: they aren't going to be someone who I have to constantly see and interact with on a semi-regular at least basis, so I really don't care that much. Personally, I think it is a better way of viewing this, but I don't expect you to agree with me, and at the end of the day, you don't have to listen to me.

 

[elchupo]

I've struggled with my sexuality for a very long time. I don't mean in the "Am I straight/gay/bi" sense, I mean just struggling with accepting the fact that I'm gay and everything that entails.

I figured out around age 18 that I was essentially gay. I had a really hot girlfriend who turned me on but I was still thinking more about guys, which kind of solidified it for me. She was my last girlfriend. I'm 23 now and I've spent the previous 5 years in various states of acceptance, denial, questioning and confusion.


I've only recently (like in the last few months) decided that I will come out, sooner rather than later. I think this is a big step for me because for the longest time, I didn't even entertain the idea. I hated (and still do hate, to some extent) the whole thing of "coming out". I didn't want to have to make it known that I was in anyway different than anybody else, to become part of some less "desired" portion of society.


I think this is partly because throughout my life, I've managed to escape detection, as it were, as a gay person. I think this is what I'm struggling with the most to be honest when it comes to my sexuality. I'm reluctant to let anyone know that I’m anything other than straight.


Another reason for my recent decision to come out is I've only realised just how much being in the closet is affecting seemingly every aspect of my life, from the big to the small. And in incredibly toxic ways. I've only realised how guarded I am when it comes to making connections with new people, for fear that they'll "know" or figure out that I'm gay. I'm worried about missing out on all the relationships that my friends are experiencing, not only missing out but also worrying about becoming accustomed to the loneliness. I've never been with a guy. I've had several experiences where it was close to happening but when push came to shove I just couldn't let them know that I was gay. Some of my friends are soon going to be closing in on 10 years of sexual experiences (of various degrees), and I've had barely any.


I suppose now that I've decided to come out, I’ll naturally work towards it, however slow. I do always chicken out and feel like I'm not “ready” but I don’t think I'll ever be “ready”. Right now, even though I've made this decision, it still feels like it’s going to be a while before I do (for better or worse).

 

[dwarfstar]

elchupo Regarding your feeling that it's going to be a while before you come out, the most important thing to remember is not to feel pressured to do it earlier than you're comfortable with. The more comfortable and sure of yourself you are, the better prepared you'll be emotionally to deal with any backlash that might come up (I don't know anything about the people you associate with, so it's all conjecture on my part, but you get the point). Good luck, dude. I hope all goes well.

 

[Rugi]

I've struggled with my sexuality for a very long time. I don't mean in the "Am I straight/gay/bi" sense, I mean just struggling with accepting the fact that I'm gay and everything that entails.

I figured out around age 18 that I was essentially gay. I had a really hot girlfriend who turned me on but I was still thinking more about guys, which kind of solidified it for me. She was my last girlfriend. I'm 23 now and I've spent the previous 5 years in various states of acceptance, denial, questioning and confusion.


I've only recently (like in the last few months) decided that I will come out, sooner rather than later. I think this is a big step for me because for the longest time, I didn't even entertain the idea. I hated (and still do hate, to some extent) the whole thing of "coming out". I didn't want to have to make it known that I was in anyway different than anybody else, to become part of some less "desired" portion of society.


I think this is partly because throughout my life, I've managed to escape detection, as it were, as a gay person. I think this is what I'm struggling with the most to be honest when it comes to my sexuality. I'm reluctant to let anyone know that I’m anything other than straight.


Another reason for my recent decision to come out is I've only realised just how much being in the closet is affecting seemingly every aspect of my life, from the big to the small. And in incredibly toxic ways. I've only realised how guarded I am when it comes to making connections with new people, for fear that they'll "know" or figure out that I'm gay. I'm worried about missing out on all the relationships that my friends are experiencing, not only missing out but also worrying about becoming accustomed to the loneliness. I've never been with a guy. I've had several experiences where it was close to happening but when push came to shove I just couldn't let them know that I was gay. Some of my friends are soon going to be closing in on 10 years of sexual experiences (of various degrees), and I've had barely any.


I suppose now that I've decided to come out, I’ll naturally work towards it, however slow. I do always chicken out and feel like I'm not “ready” but I don’t think I'll ever be “ready”. Right now, even though I've made this decision, it still feels like it’s going to be a while before I do (for better or worse).

If someone is truly your friend they won't care if you are gay or not IMO take this from someone who is friends with a lesbian, a disabled person and (dramatic music) a redhead.