how you've grown

[Chou Toshio]

I grew up a lot in highschool by painfully learning the lesson that "People are important. Without people, you can't accomplish anything by yourself." Also, even if you do, if you don't respect people, you'll never be acknowledged no matter how incredible your achievements. In other words, you have to treat others well. My Mom always said, "you can win the battle but lose the war." It took me a long time to figure out what that meant.

At first I became really focused on improving my social skills, learning to "act" more humbly, and how to show respect for people-- it a way it was a facade, but I really wanted to learn how to treat people well while still being confident and genuine. Eventually "pretending" gave way to genuinely respecting. To me, rather than learning to humble myself-- it was easier to learn to appreciate the amazing things about other people, and let those feelings through. People really are amazing.

I used these skills to turn myself from the isolated prick everyone on my wrestling team hated, to the captain of the team that revamped the whole team's attitude, and left a team that would continue winning repeated state championships every year after I graduated (too bad I didn't get to be on such a team myself! doh!). It all starts at the base-- learn about the people. What do they do? Why do they want to do it? What are their motives, interests? Show you care, and people care in response-- for instance, I made detailed mental profiles of every member of the team, including all the middle school wrestlers that would succeed me after I graduated, and trained with/hung out with the majority of them outside practice and off-season.

After graduating from highschool, I learned to appreciate people even more. In college, I studied abroad several times, in Europe and mostly throughout Japan. I gained a great respect for culture, for seeing how "the other person" does things, and matured some more with that appreciation.

After awhile, I realized Smogon, too, was a group of people that I was around and cared about. Instead of just being in auto-pilot, acting like a douche who cared little for the site, I decided to be serious in caring about Smogon. Really, Smogon is just like any other group-- if you show "you care," and ask "what can I do for you," doors will eventually open. It's not a bunch of cold elite pricks; you just have to care enough to care.

I still have a lot of things to focus on.

Actually, one of my biggest strengths is also my biggest weakness right now-- I "appreciate" folks too much. I have pretty inflated self-confidence, and my "method for being humble" is basically to see the best and highly appreciate the best in other people. Rewording this in a bad way-- I tend to over-inflate my expectations, and impress those expectations on others. People feel a lot of pressure and stress to try and live up to the incredible portrayal I make of them, because I blow up the value of their good aspects too big. Basically, I have a way of stressing people out because their self-confidence doesn't live up to my "belief" in them.

This is my biggest weakness as a leader, and I have to learn to keep myself in check to be more of a "realist." Always more to work on... eh?

 

[Ada]

I rarely look back nowadays. But when I do, it’s so that I can relive some of the happier moments of life, only a little though. For days where things just doesn’t seem to be going my way. Occasionally, I might think up some embarrassing moments, but not because I’m a masochist or anything like that – if anything, I’m more of a martyr. When I look back, I realise that I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. It’s pretty weird; I liked myself a lot more back then, the past me ten years ago had the most potential I think (I had plans of world domination). I was also hell of a lot nicer back then too, partly due to my sheltered upbringing I guess. But rest assured that all of that was in the past.

Sometimes, I do envy others and want to be more normal like them, but when I think about it - had I been anyone but me, I wouldn’t have had all the amazing experiences and memories that make me who I am, and for that, I’m grateful. The only thing I regret is not trying out all the possibilities in life; I can’t unlock the secret ending :(

The present me, is an optimistic person, having hopes for the future but also living in the moment and enjoying life as it comes along. I think Mr. H puts it best: “The world ends with you. If you want to enjoy life, expand your world. You gotta push your horizons out as far as they’ll go”. So yeah, I’m working at becoming a better person, someone really amazing, so much so that the me ten years later will look back and think: “Wow, I was pretty amazing even then, huh?” or something like that. Anyways, I’ll leave it at that :)

This pretty much sums up my thoughts:

”Okay, imagine that there’s a huge famine all across the globe.”

“A famine? …Sorry, too far out. I can’t imagine it.”

“Maria, you’re a pest. Just shut up and listen okay? The idea is that I want to be the kind of jerk who could kill Pooch and eat him if it got like that – to a point where there was really nothing left to eat anymore – and not feel anything. Of course I don’t mean one of those half-baked jerks who’d shed a little tear afterward and then go put up a tombstone and whisper to it, ‘I’m so sorry it had to be this way, Pooch, but thanks to you maybe the rest of us will survive.’ I’m not talking about the kind of person who’d take a little chip of bone and make it into a pendant and wear it wherever she went. I want to be able to just laugh and say, ‘Wow, that Pooch sure was delicious!’ and I want to be able to feel really calm as I say it, and if possible I don’t want to feel any regret or any twinges of conscience, you see? Of course that’s just an example.”

 

[Raikage]

I experienced my first real crush, realized hormones are fucking powerful as hell. Think I've learned a lot from the experience, especially regarding relationships.

 

[Zystral]

Everytime I think about my past I realize that there have always been things I've picked up, never gotten good at and abandoned. It happens all the time.
It's why I've never really built a lasting relationship with anything let alone anyone.
I remember when I used to play the violin. I was decent, but I realized that I was far from good. So I gave up.
I tried studying hard to be an academic prodigy. But I realized that it would take too much work to be noticable. So I gave up.
I moved onto a variety of other hobbies and past-times which I just "gave up on".
It's why I hate thinking back about the past. Why I can't develop as a person.
It's why I went to boarding school, in the pitiful attempt to find meaning.
It's not working so far.

I hate looking back and realizing how many wrong decisions I've made, and how I wish I could fix them. I hate thinking about the ideal situation and what I'd've done. I hate knowing that I have too many regrets.
The biggest flaw a flawed person can have is knowing they're flawed.

I hate being philosophical and thinking deeply about things.

That's why I'm the heartless cunt I am today, I guess. The only pleasurable memories I have are of a time when I used to be nice and friendly, not selfish and cold. It's nice to reflect on the good times; it's the only reason I have for such memories anymore.

It's nice to see everyone else in this thread has had positive growth. I'm jealous.

 

[His Eminence Lord Poppington II]

to not recognize one is flawed is arrogance. so i'd say self-acknowledgement of the fact is actually pretty positive, we all have regrets, it's normal, and it's extremely likely we have a lot of them. you're still young, there's no need to be so bitter. self-reflection is great and all, but one should still be reminded to live in the moment and enjoy themselves.

i hope you'll move on zystral, try and find a new perspective or outlook.

 

[Alchemator]

Heck where to start here? Probably by turning off this Carpenters music. Ok, now what? I've definitely changed a lot over the years, though I can't always pinpoint where I've changed.

Since being a small child I've always been outshadowed by my sister, who is a year older than me (so 16, and you perverts can go away), in absolutely every facet. In a lot of ways that still holds true, but I've definitely discovered some niches for myself in life, and I believe that that's the way forward in terms of satisfaction. Hey look, my structure's falling apart. Oh well, never mind.

As a kid I was always a very smiley child, for no reason. Every photo you'd see of me would feature me smiling, despite some minor dental problems that I have. While I expect that all brains function in this way, my memories of that time were always very happy, because I had very little to worry about. I don't want to be arrogant and call myself extremely intelligent, but by a young age I had already immersed myself in literature, and I was able to enjoy most things in life without any sort of repercussions.

A particular person who shaped this happy little life for me was my grandad, who whenever I was at his modest flat on the corner he'd go out on a limb to cater for me (on one occasion giving up his dinner so I could have it, which prompted me to quite like vegetable soup [though to be honest it was more like minestrone but whatever]). I remember running down the street from my playgroup (is there an American equivalent? School-type place for kids aged ~3) down to his house, pretending to be characters from Thomas the Tank Engine.

So one day when I came home from nursery (the next level up from a playgroup) my family were all sitting solemnly in the front room, and I was happy to see them all as, y'know, a little kid would be. But then I noticed that one person was missing. And my dad sat on the floor and said this,

"Granda Morris has gone, and he's gone for a very long time. Just remember that he's in a very happy place now."

Apparently I was inconsolable, and the fact that simply writing about the fact that he's dead still brings me to tears even now I guess is a testament to the impact that this had on me. A few years later, when I could understand things, I was told that he had died from lung cancer, and my dad had been sitting right next to him as he died.

I think the biggest lasting effect from his death has been my complete disillusionment with religion. He was a very religious man until he became very ill (and I observed innocently as he went from healthy to using a walking stick, and then not walking at all), at which point he abandoned religion. After all, what was this God doing for him? Carry your cross and follow Him, bullshit. Bullshit. And you know, this is the one issue on which no-one can dissuade me, not even the incredibly faith-driven school I attend. Though this is all slightly off-topic.

After this, I was no longer the grinning child that I once was. I became more reserved, and more cynical of everything. I preferred to play by myself more than with others, and this was the first point that I began to exercise my imagination. I was prone to exploding into fits of rage at absolutely anything, whether it be the inability to do a sum or being provoked by another person. While I never have been a muscular guy (quite the opposite actually) I really did come down on people hard. That inability to control myself continued for many years. This really wasn't helped by me being the easy stereotype to pick on - nerdy, ginger, specs, the list goes on. The teacher I had at that time disliked me too.

That said, I wasn't oblivious to the situation that I was in, and opted for a career choice that I had ironically (go a few more words and you'll see why) joked about when I was a lot younger - comedian. Now while making wisecracks might not get you into the best social situation, it really helped me. I relaxed a lot more, and people accepted me (though it was more me accepting them, since I had shut them out). By the time I reached high school (the faith-driven one I mentioned earlier) I was confident in my abilities, but not arrogant. I had a certain drive behind me, and that led me well through my earlier years.

I think if you've read my 2k then you already know my Smogon origins, but during my time here a switch flipped inside my head, and this is one of those moments where "I can't always pinpoint where I've changed". I suddenly became more tolerant of other people, and I think it was by embracing the kind of ideology that Chou mentioned in his post. Previously I had categorised people by their negative attributes, rather than their positive ones. This attitude has given me a lot of success (by my low standard) in the social scene. Self-deprecating humour tends to go down well.

Around that time I had my first crush, which lasted for a year (which is the actual length, not an exaggeration) during which I did everything in my power to win her. Nothing worked though, and I was pretty depressed when I got rejected (the rejections marking the start and end of the crush). She later went on to become a whore. Yeah, harsh.

I floated around aimlessly for quite a while, and this brings us back quite neatly to the thoughts on finding a niche which I mentioned at the beginning. I didn't have anything that anyone else couldn't do better (awkward sentence). After embracing writing though, I settled into a comfortable rut - oxymoron is intentional, you might know what I mean. But since life works as it does, a rut is more like a trench before going over the top.

On Friday he was fine, by Tuesday his life support machine had been switched off. Somebody of my age, at my school (we shared a gym class in fact) contracted Meningicoccal (sp.?) Meningitis and passed away. Naturally such an event promotes a great deal of introspection, but there was very little in my situation to be had. Of course, it brought up memories of my Grandfather, but I recognised that others were feeling the pain more than I was, and decided to support them instead of focussing on myself. Selfless it may seem, but in the long-run that experience has really benefitted me in terms of getting to know other people, and learning a lot about how people work in general.

Just a couple of days ago, and ASB people will know about this (though not the actual situation), a friend of mine committed suicide. I guess I'm still in shock, so feel free to have this account of how someone else dealt with it while I run on something like adrenaline. Hollywood would have it no other way too, as the person about whom I'm going to talk is my current love interest, though I suspect of myself that it's more a need to have a goal than actual love. Anyway...

It turns out that these two were in a relationship, and nobody knew. I sat there as she imparted to me everything about how she loved him so much, and that she'd never get over him. Once again I had to be supportive, though he was a close friend of mine. I guess this is just what I'm destined for haha. Really it was a kick in both of my testicles, since obviously my infatuation LOVE is unrequited, aswell as coming to terms with his death. This happened almost exactly a month after the death of my colleague I talked about above.

I suppose I'll drift off the beaten track for a little while.

I'm not very good at judging what people think of me (look at my record of teenage angst for proof), and I can determine to an even lesser extent what people at Smogon think of me. Regardless of our personal relationship however (that is, me and you, the reader. If we don't have one then let's chat), a common theme seems to be that people think I'm a lot older than I actually am. If you don't know, I'm 15. PKGaming thought I was 19 and a former English teacher of mine considered me 30, but that's besides the point. I guess that this is the result of the experiences that I've had, and while I think that they've improved me as a person I'd still go back to those days when I smiled all the time (no I mean it, all the time!).

So after that rambling life story, what do I see inside myself? I see pain that has made me stronger, and that there's a long way to go before I reach who I am.

Well, if I'd thought of that sentence earlier then we'd be sitting with a much shorter post I guess. I hope you enjoyed it.

 

[JCH979]

Good thread.. makes me think of a lot of things.

 

[LeviLamprey]

I may only be 14, and not a very exciting person, I am somewhat different (in mostly bad ways) and my story is more engaging than perhaps a handful of people's. I've never had a normal life. My Mum has chronic fatigue and back pain, I have chronic fatigue, and my Dad (who has never been with my Mum since I was born) is a stingy prick who denies being gay, and speaking completely unbiasedly is the most ugly (inside and out) person I know. When I was young (5-8) I lived in a very small tin roofed house in a judgmental rural community with a (by first world standards) very poor mother and a non-supportive father. I was terrified of spiders, especially after I awoke to a huntsman on my upper chest (:o) and loved reading more than anything else, having started at the age of 2. I was a weirdo in every sense of the word, and while my overstressed and short tempered Mum did everything she could, my nerdy characteristics and utter lack of friends ended in my leaving my first school after being picked up and thrown by an obese Year 6 boy into the concrete. While I suffered no broken bones etc., it had gone on even amongst teachers, and during Religion classes (I was not 100% supportive of THAT MAN IN THE SKY) it resulted in my leaving. This meant I was a largely unhappy child with few peers to talk to and my best friend being my mother. We travelled a lot after I left to Sydney and places along the way, but it was in Sydney that I remember: sleeping in a room and looking at the purple haze of the sky while hearing the mewling of my Mum's friend's psychotic cat, exploring the Australian Museum's 'backstage' with some friendly staff (one of whom I still know, a diabetic parasitologist :P DId you know a kind of fly larva is dying out because Africans no longer sleep a ground level so they can't enter their mouth and feed during the night?). My life was brought down again as I transferred to a Christian College (damn lack of available schools) where I was put into Sixth Grade at the tender age of 7, but my (later diagnosed with mental problems)teacher complained I was molesting the girls in my class (I was 7 for goodness' sake) and I was put down into Year 2 with my childhood friend Malory and did work of a higher year level separately). I persevered for 3 years, getting sick, remaining with few friends, being bullied by all the boys and some of the girls, struggling to find a place in such a harsh and cruel environment. Depressing, yeah. My dog Stumpy died. It was my wake-up call. I got more involved in life, remembered more things and took an active passion. I was annoying in my efforts to make friends and bombardment of facts upon passersby: who wants to hear how many anuses a box jellyfish has??? It succeeded in part. I enjoyed taking care of chickens and still continued to read like mad. But when my Mum's doctor (not the one who sexually assaulted her, whose name can be found by entering 'Doctor Reeves Bega Valley Butcher Case' into Google) said our allergies were too bad and we had to move to Melbourne, it all cam ecrashing down. i didn't want to. Please no! But it happened. There was a lot of other stuff that transpired like our neighbour's bush burning war, my Mum's two boyfriends she had over the time but I won't enter into that. I started at Box Hill High School aged 9 and 7/10. It was this time where my anxiety disorder and the bullying I was suffering really came out. I got angry at my Mum all the time, pulled hair out, refused to do my homework even though I got great marks, struggled with Maths, had no friends for half a year, argued, got ill, was lonely and all by myself in the world. An amazing psychiatrist, Susan Breton from NY, sorted it out. But she had to leave and return home to America before I recovered. Anyway, things went uphill form there: I was still despised and a troll, and twice I stole but felt so bad for it I turned into a paragon of virtue. I had a friend, and in Year 9 life was far better. Aged 11/12, I was much younger, but found some long-term friends in Year 7 as well as my 15 year old friend in Year 9. I was a geek. I was weird. One of my friends had a stifling crush on me. But I got great marks. I enjoyed Science and English.

Despite this, the principal's and some of my teachers' actions resulted in me leaving the school for a newly built Science School. The next year I arrived, only to find...it wasn't yet built, only Year 10s were currently trialling, our bag areas were in the Microbiology Lab at Monash University and the teaching SUCKED. I left after 5 weeks but I DID gain a laptop from it at least! I had learnt how to be friendly, endearing, and, while still thoroughly out of my depth, I had gained the ability to be likeable as well as compassionate (according to others, not me).

I finally wound up at my local highschool, which has turned out to be the best option for me anyway. I could walk to it! The view was beautiful! And there were SURE to be people at it! At the start, I was a terribly shy just-13 year old enrolled in Year 10 as well as Year 11 VCE English and Biology. The demands were great. I got stressed. And my teachers were mostly idiots (except for Maths and Creative Writing). But as I aclimatised, I got involved and my marks became consistently A+ standard. I joined the Band, Drama, Environment Club and Anime/Manga Club, made some at-school-only but very close friends and picked up my education properly for the first time ever! My two half-sisters who lived with my Dad were often thought about and I always miss them, but that wss not exactly discouraging. I was STILL a bit trollish, but my Mum supported me through the MANY hiccups of the public school (no mater how good, someone like me will always run into trouble against a rigid and awful system). But there was also bad, and my personality became less energetic and more...dead. So much work. Much of it meaningless. My Mum's now ex-boyfriend was and is depressed but she kept taking him back because she loved/loves him (dawwww). She began life modelling to help with the money constraints. She made a friend called Alison who I can say nothing about but: she is awesome! Modelling got her friends! (lol) And we weren't poor poor anymore: now we can afford to eat meat more than once a week and go on walks or out for dinner ocassionally.

By the end of the school year, I had been ill no less than 32 times (this was documented by my doctor), had invited no less than 0 friends to do anything with me, and had holdiay homework looming ahead. But my first SUCCESSFUL SCHOOL YEAR! I seconded Maths and Biology, topped Creative Writing, did well in English, German and Art. In the end I didn't take away much: all I have in my life is school, really. But I had emotionally developed: nobody ever accused me of being nasty, I was able to help people without expecting a reward, think about world issues properly, feel compassion for others and form friendships. The holidays were my advent into Smogon. At last, a place to resume my love of Pokemon! I had adored Gen 3 and Gen 4 and now there was Gen 5, a welcome distraction form life's mundanity. I dived in to lurking and reading, and while my posts often lack/ed substance, I was learning for myself. I even formed friendships with some American users: ALbinoloon, chocolate-kipp and ToastTyrant13. Holidays were refreshing:Tasmania was amazing and dynamic, and not one second was wasted. Aside from Wineglass Bay and other common attractions, we walked up the Devil's Gullet, went on various small bushwalks, and developed physically! :P Since then, I've managed to keep fit and fairly strong (carrying a 10-20 kg pack and speedwalking for 2.5 km to school and back is no mean feat!). I went to my Dad's partner's Mum's for Christmas, where some nasty events transpired. My Dad hit me so I rung Mum and told her. She called the police and voila they left straight away because it was nothing huge to anyone except me. My Dad swears I snickered as I turned away and went inside: well, to that I say, bah humbug! But Christmas was fun and I got MY BELOVED CAMERA! I took so many photos: it allowed me to store tangible memories, and sentiment is one of my less positive traits! I taught my sister to swim in fairly deep water and we swam down a channel (eventually landing on some oyster rocks...ouch), I ate food, played with family like an innocent 13-year old should when no peers are aroundd to judge his juvenility (and believe me, my voice sounds awful...my vocal chords have NOT changed much). Then I went on a beach holiday with the rest of my family: my Mum's side excluding my Mum, for the sole purpose of seeing my cousin Nathan, who is my best friend so to speak (though I see him maybe twice a year). My family were a big bag of right-wing dismissive bitches but I didn't care. And then this year started (I cut out all the boring/personal details and it's still this dull? Wow.)

First term was a NIGHTMARE. I may have in-class friends, and more than before, but my age gap did distance me a bit and while it has been my best acheiving year for everything but Maths the workload piled up to ILLEGAL amounts. I can't describe it. Hectic (only Australians can comment), out-of-my-depth busy, unreasonable, fraught with demands of awful teachers. One was a Cofagrigus corpse (Psych), another couldn't tell murein from chitin (Biology), another was pedantic and fussy and smelt awful (MM), another was lovely but slightly boring (Chem) and another was helpful but waffly, young and demanding (English). The whole time it was endless work. I had no time for games, play, reading, anything. But all this effort gave me my now-steeled work ethic and motto: 'When things get worse, pretend to be fine.' A bad motto but one that is true for me. I managed to do well blah blah etc. The holidays were homework-packed and a few nights I stayed up extra-late to finish everything. But I was back with my cousin who was always there, and even in the half of my break when I was with my Mum's side of his family (the a-holes) and got Fibreglass in me I was enjoying myself (and suffering from mild narcolepsy). After this, a brief visit to Dad, and many photgraphs later, I was hoem. This term hasn't been so bad. Yet. But I have enough friends in school, am liked and known by many people, have the ability to feel emotions for other people and be a nice, if annoying and high-pitched character (most people also say I'm modest but I think they just overestimate me). I can help others out too, and even though I'm argumentative I know all the fuss and bother (what I described was the less bad parts) will be worth it. Unless I get run over. And Smogon, as embarrassing as it sounds, has been one of my motivations to keep going to the end of each day. As well as photography, my mother, and my own weirdness. Plus my dog. And so um yep.

Thanks for reading this pile of crap.

P.S. This image OH GOD
http://www.google.com.au/imgres?img...=134&ty=156&page=1&ndsp=25&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0

 

[Eggbert]

I really like this thread. In fact I almost started tearing which hasn't happened in a long time. Just though I'd say that!

Anyways I was really really happy as a kid until about middle school. I was way too rotund, arrogant, and overconcerned about school to the point where I didn't want to talk to many people anymore. Then it kinda flipped after some sad stuff happened in life and I stopped caring at all. Then I realized that god is probably a fantasy and I had problems finding a happy purpose in life. I missed it when I was a little kid and I was ignorant to all of this. But then I just chilled out a bit. Started going for thinking walks, trying to appreciate things like nature and it helps me alot. Lost like 20+ pounds, started being more friendly to people. I'm at the stage now where I'm trying to pull myself out of the crappy teenage years. I think most people I talk to, which is alot alot more, consider me nice. I try to listen and empathize with people now. It's working, but I still hate this whole school/society thing alot. It really drags me down as I can't enjoy learning the things I like.

I do realize there are alot of common phases; Similar trends throughout this thread. The best thing to do if you are sad it to find ways of happiness though small things and adapt to the shit that we have to deal with rather than avoiding it. I've found that it is 100% possible to be happier and appreciate things even if you don't believe in a god, despite what reverend might say. Smogon/pokemon is one of things that I spend alot of time on as it gives me something to constantly think about ("yea I can't wait to getting around to building that gyarados team!")

Very theuraputic.

 

[Xav]

When I was a kid (<6) I was a very happy child, always running around and jumping on shit. Even after 2 years of hospitalisation due to spinal cancer and a further year learning to walk again I was still happy. But in recent years it has all changed. While I am grateful late I am alive, given no chance of survival, the physical deformities I have been left with will stay with me forever.

People assume that because I look different that I must have some mental imparement as well, I am a bit sick of hearing "really?!?" all the time. I don't have friends to talk to, it is hard when people just stare, or look away or change direction when I approach. I am not invited to social events, people may talk to me at school but that is as far as our interactions go. That is why I like Smogon, you don't judge me, assume I am different and this has been a very comforting safe haven when everything else is shit. While I may put on a nonchalant facade, it does hurt when randoms say things or shout from a distance.

I'm in year 11 now, everyone is choosing their future plans. My Mum wants me to be a doctor or a surgeon, but I wouldn't put my life into my hands. I don't have hope or aspirations I want to achieve, I don't know how I want my life to pan out, I'll just deal with it when it happens.

I sure am a lot different than I was, except that I still believe I am tremendously humerous whereas other do not. It has been nice to talk, until the next talk about your past/problems/etc thread I shall return to my humble lurking.

 

[Mr. Hadwick]

Fuck, reading this has made me think about my grandmother's death.
She died when I was eleven years old, I didn't go to her funeral.
What a selfish little prick I was.
If there's one event in my life I wish I could redo, it's that one; I still tear up thinking about how I disrespected her memory.

So I guess I've grown to be less of a little asswipe, thankfully.

 

[Destiny Warrior]

even when I was a young, I was a bit of a nerd(rather than going to play, I'd sit with my granddad and he'd touch me simple things from books). I don't really remember much of my early childhood, and my basic memories start from when I was in first grade. I was the guy who'd sit in the front of the class, and know most of the answers(not exaggerating, even back then I was a total nerd). This kind of kept a lot of students away from me for like half a year, until one broke the ice and I got to make friends with a whole bunch of people. When I went to third grade, one of my granddads(the other one) died, but back then, while I "knew" what that meant, I didn't fully "understand", and was like that for two to three years. This was also a showcase for times to come, when I had to drink a cup of coffee(some custom I believe), and when I was done, in five minutes I had to go and puke. I've never managed to take coffee since.

Moving on, around this time I began to love junk food, and was a reaaaaaaaaaaally whiny kid when it came to them. This persisted for like half a year, after which I kinda weaned off them after I taught myself to not hanker after things. It was a childish thought, but since then I've tried not to want something too badly, because my experiences earlier in life because of my friends and my recurrently falling ill(including a surgery for appendicitis) taught me to try not to want things too big, because I'd either not get them or I'd get them with a whole lot of drawbacks attached.

Things still went fairly smoothly till sixth grade, where my friends started to get more violent, more loud-mouthed, and more likely to make crass jokes, as happens to a lot of people(at leats where I live). I kind of withdrew from them because I am just naturally repulsed by those kind of jokes, and I was made fun of for it. I was also teased for my fear of water, which had shown itself during swimming lessons. I was basically made fun of for close to everything I did, and all the silly jokes my friends made began to really irk me off. Thus, when I had to move house, and thus change schools, I was actually kind of happy about this.

In my new school, stuff went fine for a year and a half. After that, I found the same kind of crass jokes which were thrown about in my old school, but I didn't care too much, since people were making them in general rather than targeting anybody in particular. Towards the latter half of my eight grade though, the old snake popped up again, and I once again became the target of their jokes. It continued in the next year as well, and is still on this year as well. It actually got worse, because now I attended some extra classes for the big exams and stuff, and this teasing continued there and people there got roped into the stuff as well.

It was kind of hard for a bit, because it became kind of hard to get help from friends when I needed it without a few of those jokes being made as well, and I pretty much "gave up" on the whole idea of having a wonderful reputation among my friends, because frankly, it was impossible. I could sit and ignore their teasing without issues(the junk food issues earlier proved to be helpful because I had managed to discipline myself into saying "no" to things, and to not ask for things as soon as I saw them), but it kind of battered at my self esteem however hard I tried to not let it.

I can consciously make myself not care, but it still makes me feel a bit hurt. I think over the years, I've gone from wearing my heart on my sleeve to being a lot more withdrawn, and far less likely to even ask for something if I want it out of fear of ridicule by even adults(which has happened before). I'm glad I've learned to do everything consciously, and develop a strong sense in real life of what to do, so that I can rest easy that I won't do anything stupid.

/me ends rant

 

[jumpluff]

Chou: I was blown away by how well you expressed things I could relate with in this post, particularly about categorising other people by their positive traits.* I think you're a fantastic person with many interesting things to say and I love seeing you post on Smogon more, so I'm happy you've come to contribute to the site and forums loads as well! You seem very self-aware and positive; I got a huge respect boost for you reading that post.

*I actually find it really uncomfortable to think of people in a wholly negative way now. Like, judging people can be fun, not gonna lie, but as a child I was pushed away for being different by a lot of others (when I was five, I just wanted to make friends, you know?) and so I started pushing them away too for being different to me, and I became simultaneously devastatingly insecure and infuriatingly arrogant, looking down on others and finding them hard to relate to. I'm still aware of people's bad traits, of course, but I think I've regressed a bit mentally in that I try to think only the best of them anyway while knowing they can be kind of annoying. But I also consider it a bit of progress in how I look at people, so it's a mixed bag. I know that because I like liking people and tend to develop massive admiration for them, I could be putting too much pressure on people to meet the expectations of them that don't really exist in my head, and I do worry about that. I don't want people to feel like I am pressuring them to be different just because I have high opinions of them; I know that when people disillusion me, it's usually my problem, not theirs, and I have to adjust my expectations of them accordingly.

I like people now, even if I don't like socialising much (I'm pretty withdrawn and quiet offline). I've mellowed out a lot lately, which is mostly a good thing, but my tongue is acerbic as ever irl so I think I haven't lost my pepperiness. I'm just using it better nowadays! And like in my original post, I must reiterate that I have so much to be grateful for.

Zy: I was sad reading your post, and I could empathise. I'm sorry that I don't have much to say that could console, because it took me years to work through that feeling of helplnessness too, but I hope you can work through it your own way. There are lots of things to say but I'm sure you already know all of them, because you said 'the worst thing for a flawed person to be aware of is their flaws', which suggests to me you've already done a lot of thinking about this, and the conclusions you arrive at like that aren't beyond you. I disagree with that for the reason Poppycock (? sorry if I'm wrong) said, that it's a good thing to be aware of your own flaws, but when you're like that, you're hyper-aware of them, and what you need to be aware of are your own good traits. You know the problem, and when you find the answer, you will slowly come to believe it, and that's when the depression starts to lift.

Just a note that even if you are never prodigiously in possession of one single skill, having lots of skills is just as impressive and quite possibly more useful. I know it's not so easy to just say 'I can accept not being the best at this', because I'm a perfectionist too, but if you still find things like violin fun, you should pursue them.

Xav: I don't know you, but I totally get what you mean by the internet being a safe haven. The internet is pretty much the most judgmental arena I can think of but in most places like Smogon you will be judged mostly only if you are a genuinely annoying poster, not for things like physical appearance, which makes it much easier to express yourself. Congratulations on getting over your cancer and learning to walk again; I can't imagine it but I know it must certainly have been a feat.

 

[LonelyNess]

This last year has been a huge growing experience for me.

It's weird looking back on the last year of your life and thinking to yourself that it was the biggest tragedy you've ever known. But seriously, fuck May 2010 - May 2011.

I ended last May on top of the world. I had just finished my Sophmore year of College, I had (who I thought was) a really awesome girlfriend, I had a decent enough job at Chuck E. Cheese's working with people I liked... I had it all, IMO.

I had probably one of the best summers of my entire life. Every day was just awesome. Hanging out with my gf doing anything, had enough money in my pocket to do whatever I felt like, went to the VGC, was lined up to be promoted at my job. The world was my oyster.

Then came the beginning of Fall and for whatever the reason I got it in my head that I would be happy if Summer stayed going forever. I'd never much liked school and at the time I couldn't see the end and I just wanted out... I wanted to "have fun" with my life rather than do something that I saw as a chore, a hassle. So, I took a hiatus... one that was supposed to be only a Semester.

Well, this didn't set too well with my parents, so they forced me to find an apartment since if I wasn't going to school they sure as hell weren't going to foot the bill for my living expenses. But, I just said whatevs... I had a decently paying job and I worked out a budget. I could live on my own easy. So I moved out of my parents in the middle of September. Life was so good. I even got a great new job at a call center making $12/hr working 40+ hours a week. I was pulling in >$500 a week, much much more than my living expenses were. I had an even better job, a great girl, and was taking -just- enough time off school to re-energize myself for the Spring semester.

And then October came.

FUCK October.

I came to find that my girlfriend had been cheating on me for weeks. I caught her finally when I noticed her car at her ex-boyfriend's house. She and his family had gone out of town to Silver Dollar City for the day... even though she told ME that she was with her family there. From there ensued a long, long argument where she said that she loved us both and was waiting for one of us to "screw up" essentially, at which point she'd dump the offender to be with the one who didn't. Out of principle (once someone cheats, it's over), I broke up with her... even though I didn't really want to, because I loved her.

And thus started one of the deepest depressions I think I've ever been in. From the months of October - January, I slowly got more and more depressed, brought on from regret over the breakup, as well as wanting to move on. I guess I'm a pretty pathetic individual because not even a month after breaking up with her I said I wanted to get back together. She said she was still with the person she cheated on me with so she didn't have any interest in me... but then around December he broke up with her and she came back to me wanting to get back together... but at that point I was snubbed / jaded by her rejection of me that I told her to fuck off. I should have just left it there, but then in January I did something incredibly stupid at work, I told off a client who was pissing me off on the phone and hung up on him after saying some... tasteless things. Well, a manager was monitoring my call and apparently you can't call a client a "fucking moron" without getting fired. After getting fired, I turned to my ex for some comfort (when you're in a slump, you look for whatever comfort you can get). Unfortunately for me, my rejecting her in December caused her to beg and plead with the original guy she was with to get back together, except this time she got pregnant with him. So obviously when I asked her if she wanted to get back together, there I stood rejected again.

And during all this, I was trying to find SOMETHING to make me happy... I got in a really really bad habit of spending money on shit I didn't need. I bought new speakers for my car, a big new television, all of the video games I ever wanted... Needless to say all of my expendable income that I should have been saving so that I could go back to school in January was going towards worthless shit. So I didn't go back to school for another semester.

So to summarize, there I was at the tail end of January... Alone, rejected, fired, out of school, and pretty much broke. I had enough money that I could exist for a little while... so I did just that... I just kind of "existed". The entire month of February I spent wallowing in self pity doing absolutely nothing. I had no motivation to get a new job, I had no motivation to interact with anyone. I just existed. This was definitely the lowest point I think I've ever been in my entire life. I wouldn't say that at this point I wanted to kill myself because I've always been sort of an optimist, but broad general questions about suicide like "how would I even do it" and "I wonder how long it would take for someone to find out" started popping in my head more often.

This scared the shit out of me.

Enough so that I guess it pseudo-popped me out of my funk... enough to at least get a job. I've always been good at getting jobs so within a week of mass applying I had a position at the Walmart Deli working less than full time, for significantly less pay than my old job. This was the first week of March

Well, not having a job doesn't pay well, so I was behind on things like rent / electric bill / other expenses to the point where due to late fees, my cost of living increased... and with the lower hours / lower pay of my new job... let's just say that I was barely getting by in terms of my bills. Many days I simply... didn't eat, or my entire day's worth of food consisted of Ramen, because I needed to save money. I've pretty much been wasting away for the last two months.

And then I did something so unbelievably idiotic I can't even put it into words.

I quit my job a week and a half ago.

So many people called in two Saturdays ago that I was literally the only one who showed up for work, and the store manager wanted me to work a 15 hour shift, alone, without any aide. I refused and demanded that either someone be reassigned to my area to help me, or have the deli shut down for the day. Well, he refused both requests and gave me an ultimatum that I would either work the shift or I could quit. Despite the fact that I need money and need a job, in a fit of rage, I quit.

I immediately went home and started mass applying to places like I did in March... except it's been a week and a half and I haven't gotten a new job yet. And my end of the month bills are starting to arrive. This wouldn't be such a bad thing, but... if I can't pay my bills, I can't get a new job. My phone service is set to shut off on the 21st which means I won't be able to receive phone calls for interviews. My internet is set to shut off on the same day too... and after that it's pretty much gg in terms of getting a job in my current state. Not to mention soon i'll have June rent to pay, and my electric bill, and car insurance.

At this point I don't foresee myself getting out of this hole Ive dug for myself, which will result in me having to go beg my parents for help. I have pretty much resigned myself to that outcome. I literally have $60 to my name, and no prospects. I can foresee the next 3-4 months being very, very terrible for me while I rebuild my life. However, despite the fact that... well... I'm pretty much fucked at the moment, throughout this last year, I do feel I've learned a thing or two about life.

I've learned that the real world is just that: it's fucking real. My ISP / Phone Service Provider / landlord / insurance company - they don't give a fuck about what state you're in. They want their money and they want it on time. I will not make the mistake again of underestimating the "realness" of the world. It's serious business, and one or two bad choices can result in a chain reaction of events until you're reduced to shit.

I've also learned that you need to be grateful for the stuff that you have when you have it. I lost a lot of shit this year by thinking I could get something better and throwing away what I had. Threw away my college education. Threw away two good jobs. Threw away so much... I am not saying that striving for more is a bad thing, but contentness with what you have is something everyone should exercise.

Another thing I've learned is that: you're never out until you just give up. It took me exactly a week to get a job after I finally pulled myself out of my funk in February. If there's a will to get something done, there's a way. I'll get a new job now just like I did back then. I will never, EVER, let myself get wrapped up in self pity like I did in February.

I've grown a lot when it comes to relationships too, I think. If I had just been a stronger individual and not went crawling back to my ex within a month of breaking up, or rejected her when she came back to me, and then went BACK to her after that... a lot of my depression I think would have ceased to exist, which would have fixed a lot of my problems. I won't make that mistake again. I really feel that unless you're a one-in-a-million couple, once it's done the first time, it's done for good. There's no going back to someone who's hurt you, because there's always going to be that resentment and that jaded feeling. Not to mention there's the potential for multiple rejection, which hurts like crazy.

And lastly, I've learned something that I think everyone needs to learn: I'm not hot shit. I quit school, moved out of my parent's house, got fired from a job, QUIT another job... all because my head told me something it's been telling me all my life - "you're better than your current situation, you don't need your current situation, FUCK your current situation" - despite the realities. I am not hot shit. Despite my "intelligence", I am just as susceptible to making terrible TERRIBLE decisions as the dumbest people I know. One edge I guess I've got on them though is the ability to recognize this and to grow from it.

When I quit school last September, my Dad told me it was a mistake and would only beget more mistakes, but if I was going to make mistakes, better it be when I'm 20 years old rather than when I'm 30. In my head I thought I wasn't making a mistake and he was just overreacting, but now... with 20/20 hindsight... I can see he was most definitely right. The last year for me has just been one constant mistake on my part and I am bound to make new ones in the future, however, I refuse to make the same ones again.

I need to grow up a lot still, but I think it's safe to say I've grown more in the last year than I have in the last 5.

 

[VKCA]

Oh my fucking god this thread is sooooo good
I wish I had more time to read it

Fuck I'm skipping physics to read it that class is fucked now anyways.

A variety of posts that I have read bits of have made me want to
I don't know
Hand out hugs or something.

 

[zyrefredric]

Try looking through the family album. You look at your pictures starting from a baby, into toddler, a young child, an adolescent, adult, middle aged, then old (if you're lucky), then reallllly old (if you're unlucky). I'm not sure about other people, but in my case, somewhere through that series of pictures, a drastic change occurs! My 2nd and 3rd grade picture could have been of two different kids!

 

[mixmaster.mewthree]

I hear so many stories about girls cheating on guys, and it makes me wonder if some guys are just a bad judge of character and end up finding shitty girlfriends, or if most girls truly do cheat on guys? It makes me a little paranoid!!

 

[Ouro]

TL;DR

Became more outgoing, stopped judging people by outward appearances, let go of my inhibitions, diversified my interests.

I really want to post what I wrote up in MS Word but its so freaking long :(

 

[jumpluff]

I hear so many stories about girls cheating on guys, and it makes me wonder if some guys are just a bad judge of character and end up finding shitty girlfriends, or if most girls truly do cheat on guys? It makes me a little paranoid!!

And it works the other way around too.

Ouro: Just post it, worst case somebody has to scroll down a little further, but I'm sure I'd at least read it!

 

[az]

or just put it in hide tags, either way no real harm done

 

[Chou Toshio]

Thanks a lot Jumpluff :)

I myself was blown away by Lonelyness' post. It really is a harsh reality out there, and reading the posts by Jumpluff and Lonelyness highlight the difficulties beyond the rose-tinted glasses it's so easy to put on.

It's strange to say this but... it's so easy to be aware of the difficult realities people face, and not really "care" about them until it's someone close to you, and you are recognizing that individual directly.

 

[ivar]

i noticed recently that it becomes a lot more difficult to hate people when you realize that they are actually, as is often the case, well-rounded individuals. and if you knew more than a few superficial tidbits about someone's life, more often than not you would change your perception of that person

this thread reminds of that seemingly obvious bit of truth that we all have a tendency to overlook--reading all these stories about how people change, grow, and whatnot. interesting stuff--and though i hate to be kitsch, thanks for being brave with your heartfelt and honest anecdotes, posters of smogon

 

[Rayquaza2233]

Some of the stuff in here is... I dunno how to explain it. It HAS A LOT OF MAGNITUDE is what I'm trying to say, but that's not grammatically correct.

I was going to post about me discovering my crush is going to prom with someone else and how that changed my outlook on life, but after reading posts like LN's I don't think I have the frame of reference to comment on that sort of thing anymore.

 

[Chou Toshio]

Smash, sounds like you're quite young still :O

Just wait to keep spreading those wings :D

 

[His Eminence Lord Poppington II]

keep chugging along lonelyness, it sounds like you've attained wealth of experience. smash, it sounds like you are just a procrastinator! (just like everyone else) do not worry, it is a normal thing. my friend is in his penultimate year (end of, actually) of high school and he persistently does not do his work, his extended essay is two months late and his CAS (creativity action service, basically 150 cumulative hours of the aforementioned) is far behind! it is important to stay on top of things, and if you feel things are falling apart i would say stop and think for a little while, ask some of your classmates if they are feeling the same way. perhaps you may find that others are doing even worse! ultimately, highschool is all about barely meeting deadlines, being stressed, and finding time to have fun.

edit: social rankings of nerd, jock, whatever, are bullshit; given, you have cliques, but one should not think that it is a form of hierarchy in the slightest. admittedly, that may be due to my school where we don't really do that kind of shit, but this is honestly what i believe. you have your own friends, other people have theirs, groups can, and will, overlap.