I apologize in advance if this thread seems overly selfish. This thread is merely an attempt at a coping mechanism, because I'm not sure where else to go since I won't be able to get psychological help at the time being.
For a bit of background, you might want to read this IRC log, where #Pokemon saved me from having a mental breakdown.
For those of you who don't want to read all of a massive IRC log, here is the gist of it.
When I was 8 years old, due to a near death experience, I actually read the bible, thought "wow these are basically just fairy tales, most of this stuff could not possibly be based on 100% reality". Because of losing faith in the afterlife, I eventually had a serious mental breakdown, and my life was never the same after that.
Due to my grandmother almost dying (she thankfully seems to have gotten better though), and plenty of other serious stuff that's happened over this year, I started thinking about life, death, the ultimate fate of humanity, and even the fate of the universe. All of these except for the last one are VERY dangerous lines of thought for me, as they deal with my greatest fears. Lately, I've been getting to a state that is somewhat close to when I had a mental breakdown at age 8, and I'm trying to avoid such a thing. Here are a few of the things that are torturing me, that I've been trying to escape for years (hell, one of the reasons I joined Smogon was to escape these personal demons!)
1. Ceasing to "exist" after death. This is EXTREMELY scary to me. The things that make life worth living to me are being able to think (especially about the universe on a grand scale or an extremely tiny scale), and discovering more about how the universe works. Sure, I may not technically "care" after I'm dead, since I won't exist anymore, but just the mere thought of never being able to think again fills me with an intense sense of dread every day.
2. I feel like the average lifespan of a human being is far too short for me to see the things I most desire in life. For example, due to the size of the universe, exploration of the galaxy is totally unfeasible in a human lifetime. I mean, as far as we currently know, the observerable universe has a diameter of around 92-96 BILLION Light years. On a slightly depressing note, due to the rate of the universe's expansion (which is accelerating), it'd be impossible to entirely explore the universe even if one was immortal. Still, There are things closer to home that likely won't happen in my lifetime either, such as contact with an alien civilization, colonizing the solar system, etc. Hell, I even wonder if stuff like a quantum theory of gravity will be established in my lifetime...
3. This one might be sorta silly, I fear that humanity will never become a space faring species. We have enough anti science problems on our planet currently, with stuff like climate deniers, NASA's massive budget cuts, etc. In a way, I feel like we as a species will never even TRY to leave the planet, and may end up destroying ourselves before we get to that point. In a way, I guess I fear that we may fall into the fermi paradox hypothesis that civilizations end up destroying each other before they start exploring their galaxy, and I'm not sure if there is much I can do about that.
There is a lot of other fears related to this existential crisis I can probably talk about later, but currently can not articulate clearly. I may talk about these fears as discussion goes on and helps me put them into words more clearly. I apologise that this thread focuses on mostly myself, but again, I am using this thread as a coping mechanism.
So I'm wondering people… how do you think I can cope with this? Is there anyone else here that can relate to my existential crisis? I need to find a way to cope with this soon, because if I don't, I'll never be able to pull myself together to pursue a career in Science that I desire so much (or anything else really), as this existential crisis has crippled me mentally.
Oh, one last thing I want to note: PLEASE DO NOT DERAIL THIS THREAD WITH POLITICS AND RELIGION DEBATE. Again, sorta selfish, but that kind of stuff won't help mentally, and isn't really the goal of this thread.
For a bit of background, you might want to read this IRC log, where #Pokemon saved me from having a mental breakdown.
[13:40] <&@afkmon> so... how do you guys deal with the futility of life, and the insignificance of humanity?
[13:41] <%Acedia> I ignore it
[13:41] <%Acedia> or try to
[13:41] <%Mocirano> i play haxball
[13:41] <&@afkmon> man I sure wish I could use Pokémon to ignore that like I used to
[13:41] <&@Milkis> by putting more importance in yourself so you dont care about futility and insignificance from a grander perspective
[13:42] <&@afkmon> but its not working for me anymore
[13:42] <&@Milkis> ez
[13:42] <&@Milkis> k gotta go to work (last day of work, yay)
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[13:44] <%Mocirano> is this #pokemon or #philosophy
[13:44] <Aurora> [23:40:11] <<&afkmon>> so... how do you guys deal with the futility of life, and the insignificance of humanity?
[13:44] <Aurora> 42
[13:44] <%Acedia> I suppose you could try learning something new
[13:44] <%Mocirano> Aurora mate
[13:44] <%Mocirano> gday
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[13:44] <%Acedia> g'day fren
[13:44] <Aurora> nice accent
[13:44] <Aurora> i have now heard you speak
[13:45] <&@afkmon> lol, I'm glad humor exists or else I would have been in a mental asylum years ago, muttering useless factoids about the universe to myself
[13:45] <Aurora> i will work on my mocirano impression
[13:45] <%Mocirano> oh you saw the hedgehog
[13:45] <@sad_yilx> MARIO MARIO
[13:45] <@sad_yilx> MAYRoKRATT
[13:45] <%Mocirano> send a vocoroo of your impression of me pls
[13:45] <@sad_yilx> unpekunpekunpekunpekunpekunpekunpekunpekunpekunpekunpekunpek
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[13:45] <@sad_yilx> ugh wrng chat
[13:45] <%Mocirano> yilx are you tired
[13:45] <&@afkmon> yilx Im at the point where I could not even wring enjoyment from Super Mario Galaxy 2
[13:45] <&@afkmon> Im in a pretty bad place atm
[13:46] <@sad_yilx> yes i am very tieed
[13:46] <@sad_yilx> what hapen :(
[13:46] <&@afkmon> a place that I haven't been since... I was around 8
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[13:46] <&@afkmon> yilx long story short, I may end up losing my last grandparent soon, but that isnt the reason for my state
[13:46] <@sad_yilx> oh dear :(
[13:47] <@sad_yilx> i last my last grandparent 2 years ago...
[13:47] <@sad_yilx> i know hw it feels
[13:47] <@sad_yilx> but getting to the point whats up
[13:47] <&@afkmon> it made me start thinking about life and death, and then of course that leads in my mind to the futility of life and the insigfgance of humanity in our universe
[13:47] <&@afkmon> the visible universe is around... 95 billion light years
[13:47] <&@afkmon> there is much more to the universe that we can't see, and will never get to due to the universes's expansion
[13:47] <@sad_yilx> god damn it tmon lol
[13:48] <@sad_yilx> live in the moment and not concern about anything past our oozon layer imo
[13:48] <@sad_yilx> youi could always leave al egacy behidn
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[13:48] <&@afkmon> places that are impossible for humanity to reach even if we were immortal
[13:48] <&@afkmon> what use is a legacy? the sun will become a red giant some day and either roast the entire planet or engulf it
[13:50] <Irysa> there's no inherant greater purpose or meaning or relevance to the you as an indivdual, humanity as a whole, our planet, or the universe
[13:50] <Irysa> you make your own meaning of your own life
[13:50] <@sad_yilx> well
[13:50] <@sad_yilx> you dont know
[13:50] <@sad_yilx> if something would happen
[13:51] <@sad_yilx> that change everything
[13:51] <@sad_yilx> for all you know
[13:51] <Irysa> thats the same as not knowing if it won't happen
[13:51] <Irysa> using that as a philisophical standpoint is kinda flimsy
[13:52] <&@afkmon> yilx that just makes me even worse for the reasons Irysa just stated
[13:52] <Irysa> i can't tell you anything other than you have to decide what merits you find in reality
[13:53] <&@afkmon> also yeah Irysa, this may be part of the problem here
[13:53] <Irysa> for me, I've decided that life has enough experiences that are worth being there for.
[13:53] <Irysa> that I'm comfortable with trying to carry on
[13:53] <&@afkmon> the entire thing Ive based my life around
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[13:54] <Irysa> well if it makes you feel any better, I had a somewhat similar epiphany when I was younger
[13:54] <&@afkmon> are three things, that are a major reason why I dramatically fear death
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[13:54] <&@afkmon> 1. I want to gain as much knowledge about the universe as possible
[13:55] <&@afkmon> 2. I wish for humanity to leave earth behind, and to pass the great filter (the same one from the fermi paradox)
[13:55] <&@afkmon> btw by universe I mostly mean the universe's mechanics
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[13:57] <&@afkmon> oh sorry 2 is both 2 and 3
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[13:57] <&@afkmon> but umm yeah I had a similar thing happen when I was 8
[13:57] <&@afkmon> and what happened there was
[13:57] <&@afkmon> thinking the way Im thinking now
[13:57] <&@afkmon> caused a serious mental breakdown, my parents had to withdraw me from school for weeks, and I had to see a psychologist
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[13:59] <&@afkmon> I really, really do not want to go through that again
[13:59] <&@afkmon> but I can't really stop my mind
[14:00] <Irysa> I can't really give you any concrete advice on that beyond generic escapism, which I what I do in those kinds of circumstances.
[14:00] <&@afkmon> yeah Ive been trying that lately
[14:00] <Irysa> most people can usually just force those kinds of thoughts out if preoccupied enough.
[14:01] <&@afkmon> I cant even find joy in Mario or Pokemon anymore
[14:01] <Irysa> there are bound to be more things you haven't experienced yet
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[14:01] <&@afkmon> (I know that may seem silly, but theres a reason Ive stuck to things like that: if I dont, these thoughts come back)
[14:01] <Irysa> no, its not silly
[14:03] <Irysa> Although before I say more, is that just to do with your association with them from prior, or the general more lighthearted tone?
[14:03] <Irysa> because if it's the latter, there are plenty more out there, and if it's the former, then that's a completely different problem
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[14:05] <&@afkmon> probably the former
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[14:07] <Irysa> do you really feel those are the only positive experienes you can bring up an association with?
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[14:09] <&@afkmon> no
[14:09] <Rushan> what happen
[14:09] <&@afkmon> but I feel like the rest of them are having much less of an effect on me
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[14:10] <&@afkmon> firestorm Im trying to prevent a mental breakdown
[14:10] <&@afkmon> if I cant prevent it by today, Im probably going to have to see a psychologist
[14:10] <&@afkmon> and go away for a long time
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[14:12] <Irysa> if you can't take any enjoyment out of anything at all, you're probably clinically depressed.
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[14:12] <&@afkmon> oh I know that, I take medication for that, but this is a very very different feeling than that
[14:13] <Irysa> mmmm, you take antidepressants?
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[14:13] <&@afkmon> I have been for around 5 years
[14:13] <Irysa> I've been offered those a lot but I've always refused them.
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[14:13] <Irysa> I don't trust them, but its not my place to say what you take
[14:13] <Irysa> and you're probably somewhat dependant on them now anyway
[14:14] <&@afkmon> yeah. see this isnt the "I don't find joy any more for unknown reasons" kind of thing I expererinced before
[14:14] <Irysa> yeah sorry
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[14:15] <&@afkmon> this is feeling more like an intense feeling of dread, an existinstal crsis of sorts
[14:16] <&@afkmon> the same thing that happened when I was 8
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[14:18] <Irysa> well I'm not really in a position to tell you how to change thought processes or give a solution
[14:18] <Irysa> if you absoloutely don't want to go into therapy again
[14:18] <Irysa> then focus on that as a counter
[14:18] <Irysa> because I don't know you well enough to know of any other strong feelings you have
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[14:19] <Irysa> on the other hand that might be a bad idea if you just worry yourself sick thinking about it
[14:19] <Irysa> sorry, I didn't think that response out very well
[14:19] <&@afkmon> its alright
[14:19] <&@afkmon> its not your fault
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[14:22] Nick change: Melee_Teleportwo -> Ike
[14:23] <&@afkmon> I apologise #Pokemon, but can I continue to talk about this?
[14:23] <&@afkmon> something I just realized is that when this happened when I was 8 years old, it happened a rather isolated enviroment
[14:24] <&@afkmon> late at night, and when my parents found me, I was apprently competely non responsive to outside stimuli
[14:24] <Irysa> having people to talk to is a good thing, but I'm barely an accquaintance so someone else is probably in a better position than I am
[14:24] <Irysa> to give any advice
[14:25] <+DHR> Go ahead man
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[14:27] <+DHR> :(
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[14:27] <Irysa> if you want something to just talk about
[14:28] <Irysa> would it be prudent to ask about what you were talking about before WRT space and knowledge
[14:28] <Irysa> in more detail I mean
[14:28] <&@afkmon> wrt?
[14:28] <Irysa> with regard to
[14:29] <Irysa> [14:58:09] <&afkmon> 1. I want to gain as much knowledge about the universe as possible
[14:29] <Irysa> [14:58:45] <&afkmon> 2. I wish for humanity to leave earth behind, and to pass the great filter (the same one from the fermi paradox
[14:29] <&@afkmon> oh
[14:29] <&@afkmon> tbh Im not really sure there was a time
[14:29] <&@afkmon> I was deaf for the first few years of my life, and I also have a form of high functioning autism.
[14:30] <&@afkmon> when I was finally able to talk at around... late 3 to early 4 years old, the first things I would talk about were stars in the sky
[14:30] <&@afkmon> the first books I read were closely related to astronomy
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[14:31] <&@afkmon> I mean its hard to really recall much from before I could talk lol
[14:31] <@Ike> you could probably look for the essential experience behind those things that draws you to them
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[14:31] <@Ike> a completely random example, but it could be going beyond your limitations or what not
[14:31] <&@afkmon> the closest thing I could ever think of is "I probably thought about numbers"
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[14:31] <@Ike> so you can recreate that sort of thing in other areas
[14:31] <Irysa> so you think you've always felt that way?
[14:31] <@Ike> like working out or whatever
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[14:32] <&@afkmon> probably Irysa, at least as far as I can possibly remember
[14:32] <Irysa> That's actually somewhat interesting, most people usually have parts of their life where their thinking gets reshaped significantly to have a strong focus like that
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[14:32] <&@afkmon> I already work out melee mewtwo, though thats less to do with getting my mind off of things
[14:32] <&@afkmon> because if anything working out causes me to think at a more rapid pace
[14:33] <Irysa> I'd make a nasuverse quip but I don't think it's appropriate
[14:33] <&@afkmon> (I pretty much have to work out, it increases my rate of thinking)
[14:33] <Irysa> unless you're in the mood for just banter at this point
[14:33] <&@afkmon> nah just say it
[14:33] <&@afkmon> I don't think anything anyone can say could make me feel worse at least!
[14:33] <Irysa> sounds like your Origin is "Space"
[14:33] <Pwnemon> what if i told you that your mom was dead
[14:33] <Pwnemon> and i wasnt lying
[14:33] <@Ike> lol
[14:34] <Pwnemon> would that make u feel worse
[14:34] <Pwnemon> ???
[14:34] <&@afkmon> nope
[14:34] <&@afkmon> its sorta selfish in a way Pwnemon
[14:34] <Pwnemon> huh.
[14:34] <&@afkmon> but Im in that strange state
[14:34] <Pwnemon> what if i called u a fucking dick-ass no life forever alone (BAN ME PLEASE)
[14:34] <&@afkmon> thats a higher opinion than what I think of myself atm
[14:35] <Pwnemon> /i will break you/
[14:35] <Pwnemon> oh
[14:35] <@Ike> pwnemon its too late
[14:35] <@Ike> is the point
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[14:35] <&@afkmon> you cant break whats already broken
[14:35] <Pwnemon> why r u broken
[14:35] <@Ike> read up
[14:35] <Irysa> well I may as well ask now
[14:36] <Irysa> in the context of this conversation, do you actively want to talk about yourself and your situation, or are you just looking for something to attempt to preoccupy yourself with
[14:37] <&@afkmon> Im not sure
[14:37] <&@afkmon> I may just be attempting to delay a mental breakdown
[14:37] <@Ike> jc why do you care about science
[14:37] <&@afkmon> because I didnt have the means to last time
[14:38] <&@afkmon> its because science is pretty much the entire point of existing to me
[14:38] <@Ike> yeah that's jsut going in a circle though
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[14:38] <@Ike> why is it like that for you?
[14:38] <Pwnemon> o ok i read up
[14:38] <&@afkmon> life is pointless, and humanity is extremely insinifgigant in a universe that is at the very least, 95 billion light years
[14:38] <Irysa> the universe's objective insignificance
[14:39] <Irysa> doesn't mean that nothing can have significance for the individual
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[14:39] <&@afkmon> to me, the only thing that can truely bring joy to me, and isn't just a form of "escapsim" in my mind, is learning as much about the universe as possible, and finding some way for humanity to free itself from the shackles of earth
[14:39] <Irysa> if you think that the pursuit of knowledge is an admirable trait that you want to continously aspire to
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[14:40] <Irysa> then the universe doesn't have to give its blessing to that
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[14:41] <@Ike> how does your grandmother figure into this love of science
[14:41] <@Ike> if science is the center of everything for you
[14:41] <@Ike> but your grandmother is the trigger for this whatever
[14:41] <&@afkmon> she made me start thinking about life and death again
[14:41] <@Ike> gotcha
[14:41] <&@afkmon> and that is a VERY dangerous line of thinking for me
[14:42] <Irysa> do you think you need a discernable result for it to be worth it?
[14:42] <&@afkmon> Irysa: it may be less about "the universe giving a blessing" and more about "the univerese inhibting that"
[14:42] <Irysa> do you loathe the prospect of going that far and us barely ever scratching the surface
[14:42] <&@afkmon> yes
[14:43] <&@afkmon> especially cosnidering the horrors of mortality
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[14:43] <&@afkmon> and this is going to probably sound dumb as all fucking hell but
[14:43] <Irysa> I would argue that the journey is more important than the destination
[14:43] <&@afkmon> I don't really have much faith in humanity anymore
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[14:43] <Irysa> don't worry, most people don't
[14:43] <&@afkmon> I truely wonder if we will ever pass the filter
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[14:43] <%Acedia> as an individual, probably
[14:44] <&@afkmon> if we will ever go on to truely explore the universe
[14:44] <%Acedia> when you look at science though, the destination ends up mattering more than the journey
[14:44] <&@afkmon> dont get me wrong, I find the journey extremely important too
[14:44] <Irysa> That's if you entirely focus on the science itself and ignore everything that was a part
[14:44] <Irysa> of it surrounding it
[14:44] <&@afkmon> a major part of the reason I so strongly fear death is because of losing the ability to think about the universe
[14:45] <Irysa> A man working towards his dream who didn't realise it lived his life working towards his dream, that's something great in itself
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[14:45] <Irysa> hmm
[14:45] <@Ike> tmon
[14:45] <@Ike> tpp
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[14:45] <@Ike> given enough time
[14:45] Action: Milkis__ slaps afkmon
[14:45] <@Ike> we can do anything
[14:45] <Milkis__> are you done being existential yet
[14:45] <Milkis__> ?
[14:46] <&@afkmon> no, its getting worse tangerine. not as bad when I was 8 yet though
[14:46] <&@afkmon> when that happened
[14:46] <Irysa> I actually endorse your line of thinking for entirely different reasons
[14:46] <&@afkmon> I was competely unresposnive
[14:46] <&@afkmon> my parents thought something terrible had happened to me
[14:46] <@Ike> tmon where did the bad man touch you??
[14:46] <Milkis__> ok
[14:46] <Milkis__> do you want to talk about it
[14:46] <%Acedia> rofl ike
[14:47] <Milkis__> i honestly think it's just one of those things you just get used to
[14:47] <&@afkmon> about what happened when I was 8? sure I guess. maybe that can help so I can avoid it again
[14:47] <Milkis__> like its ok to be insignificant
[14:47] <&@afkmon> rofl melee mewtwo, maybe you could say fear touched me
[14:47] <@Ike> oh god
[14:47] <@Ike> this explains
[14:47] <@Ike> the mirc logo fetish
[14:47] <&@afkmon> actually though my dad admited that
[14:47] <&@afkmon> he seriously thought someone molested me at first
[14:48] <Milkis__> o.o
[14:48] <&@afkmon> when they actually found out the reason for that, they were fucking shocked tbh >_>
[14:48] <Milkis__> OKAY TMON
[14:48] <Milkis__> LETS TALK PHILOSOPHY
[14:48] <Milkis__> well 8 year olds dont get existential crisises
[14:48] <&@afkmon> ok so what happened was
[14:48] <Irysa> you'd be surprised Milkis
[14:48] <Irysa> kids who are terminal
[14:48] <Irysa> grow up...really fast
[14:48] <Milkis__> mmmm
[14:48] <Milkis__> yes
[14:48] <%Acedia> man when I was 8 my biggest worry was not being able to catch lugia
[14:48] <Irysa> kids have an incredible capacity to learn given the circumstances
[14:49] <&@afkmon> oh I didnt realize that irysa
[14:49] <Milkis__> rofl acedia
[14:49] <Milkis__> Irysa: there's always exceptions
[14:49] <Milkis__> like people learn certain things at certain ages
[14:49] <Irysa> I don't think it's fair to dismiss what he said happened to him when he was young though
[14:49] <&@afkmon> ok you guys better be prepared, this is a very long and sorta crazy story
[14:50] <Milkis__> there's some things that you should belearning in childhood that people don't, and those people who dont learn it are people who we can generally say had bad childhoods
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[14:50] <Milkis__> dude i'm always prepared when i'm talking to you
[14:50] <Milkis__> go nuts
[14:50] <&@afkmon> ok
[14:50] <&@afkmon> so when I was 8
[14:50] <&@afkmon> that was when my asthma started rearing its ugly head
[14:50] <@Ike> rofl
[14:50] <@Ike> that's an amazing response
[14:50] <&@afkmon> and started causing serious problems
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[14:51] <&@afkmon> now I didnt get told this till much later but apprently
[14:51] <&@afkmon> I was regarded as some sort of... progidy or something when I was 8
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[14:52] <&@afkmon> I was apprently reading at a very high level, and pretty much wanted nothing to do but 1: read as much as I could about the universe, and 2: play mario (yeah some things dont change lol)
[14:52] <&@afkmon> so I know some basic stuff that my little mind could comprehend
[14:53] <&@afkmon> stuff about how the universe expands, the big bang theory, and I TRIED to understand stuff like general realtivity, and quntum mechanics was still a pretty serious mindfuck to me
[14:53] <&@afkmon> anyways I digress
[14:53] <&@afkmon> there was a point where I was hosptalized
[14:53] <&@afkmon> because my asthma had gotten so severe, and medication so ineffective that I was gasping for air
[14:54] <&@afkmon> and had to have a tube shoved down my trachea or something like that. my memory is foggy there because it scared me so much :(
[14:54] <Milkis__> o.o
[14:54] <Milkis__> go on
[14:54] <&@afkmon> when I came back to school 2 weeks later, I wasnt the same. apprently, I didnt play with any of my friends, and had become very very quiet
[14:54] <&@afkmon> what I do remember is that
[14:54] <&@afkmon> this is when I started reading about death
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[14:55] <+DHR> afkmon: quantum mechanics is a mind fuck for most adults, let alone a child :|
[14:55] <&@afkmon> when I thoguht about it, I thought
[14:55] <&@afkmon> "what proof is there that an afterlife exists?"
[14:55] <%Acedia> when I was 8 division was a mindfuck for me
[14:55] <%Acedia> let alone quantum mechanics
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[14:55] <&@afkmon> I didnt really apply sicence to religious thinking
[14:56] <Pwnemon> what proof is there that your MOM exists
[14:56] <&@afkmon> and that started a really serious downword spiral
[14:56] <Pwnemon> oooooooooooooooooooo
[14:56] <&@afkmon> I then thought "so if there is no afterlife, I wont exist after death"
[14:56] <Pwnemon> so dont die, ez
[14:56] <Irysa> did your upbringing have any specific religion to it
[14:56] <&@afkmon> "I will no longer be able to think about the universe, or follow more discoveries"
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[14:57] <&@afkmon> yes Irysa, but I'll get to that soon, my parents drastically changed their raising of me later
[14:57] <%Acedia> I suppose your issue comes from the thought that death is the end of your whole existence, and not just your life
[14:57] <&@afkmon> anyways, at first, I used to have a strange form of escapism by trolling sunday school
[14:57] <&@afkmon> asking stuff like "if god can do anything, why cant he make a rock so heavy that he cant life it" sort of stuff
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[14:58] <&@afkmon> so I got in trouble there, and my dad figured "nah sunday school probably sucks for you, we're pulling you out"
[14:58] <+DHR> wtf that got you trouble?
[14:58] <&@afkmon> my memory is sorta getting foggy again except for the part where it happened
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[14:58] <Irysa> that's kind of funny because my father's actually a pastor and i had some similar experiences
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[14:59] <&@afkmon> I had been thinking about life and death, and stuff similar to what Im thinking about now every night for a while
[14:59] <Milkis__> [09:58] <afkmon> asking stuff like "if god can do anything, why cant he make a rock so heavy that he cant life it" sort of stuff
[14:59] <Milkis__> you were one of those kids
[14:59] <Milkis__> :(
[14:59] <&@afkmon> but then one night it became way too much for me
[14:59] <Milkis__> sounds like you're pretty afraid of death though
[14:59] <Milkis__> which makes a lot of sense
[14:59] <Milkis__> cause you've had near death experiences
[15:00] <&@afkmon> I realized the futility of life, lack of signfgiance of humanity
[15:00] <&@afkmon> and most of all
[15:00] <&@afkmon> realizing that I would probably never live to see most of my dreams come true
[15:00] <&@afkmon> I fucking snapped
[15:00] <&@afkmon> I become almost 100% unresponsive to the outside world
[15:00] <+DHR> :(
[15:00] <+DHR> afkmon: have you ever had an IQ test?
[15:00] <Milkis__> have you read
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[15:00] <Milkis__> hikaru no go
[15:00] <&@afkmon> "outside" being anything outside my mind
[15:00] <Milkis__> ?
[15:00] <Milkis__> what kind of goals
[15:00] <Milkis__> do you have
[15:00] <&@afkmon> never heard of it
[15:01] <Milkis__> ok read hikaru no go
[15:01] <Milkis__> and pay attention to sai
[15:01] <&@afkmon> tangerine, that may be part of the reason
[15:01] <&@afkmon> my goals are impossible without immortality
[15:01] <Milkis__> like what kind of goals are they
[15:01] <Milkis__> play every mario game that will ever exist?
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[15:02] <&@afkmon> rofl, that would be awesome because I could just imagine what mario games would be after Im dead
[15:02] <&@afkmon> ok this is part of it
[15:02] <&@afkmon> [14:58:09] <&afkmon> 1. I want to gain as much knowledge about the universe as possible
[15:02] <&@afkmon> 10:29 <Irysa> [14:58:45] <&afkmon> 2. I wish for humanity to leave earth behind, and to pass the great filter (the same one from the fermi paradox
[15:02] <Milkis__> :D
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[15:02] <Milkis__> hrmmm
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[15:02] <&@afkmon> one of the impossible goals is to see science's journey "end"
[15:03] <&@afkmon> I realize that is especially crazy considering the nature of science
[15:03] <Milkis__> science's journey will never probably end
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[15:03] <&@afkmon> probably not
[15:03] <Irysa> it will if we all nuke each other
[15:03] <&@afkmon> but what hit me so hard then, and what is sorta hitting me now
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[15:03] <&@afkmon> is that mortality means I will experience an incredbily small fraction of the journey
[15:04] <&@afkmon> I recall one of the things that was making me snap was
[15:04] <&@afkmon> thinking about how fucking gigantic the observable universe is
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[15:04] <&@afkmon> I know now its around... was it 95 billion light years? I dont recall the figure that was given out back in 2000
[15:05] <&@afkmon> but thinking about that made me realize
[15:05] <&@afkmon> just how much I will never know
[15:05] <&@afkmon> how many worlds I will never get to see...
[15:06] <&@afkmon> something that especially hit me hard back then, that doesnt hit me nearly as hard now though
[15:06] <+DHR> We as a human race will never get to see
[15:06] <&@afkmon> was how the expansion of the universe
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[15:06] <Milkis__> heh
[15:06] <Milkis__> well
[15:06] <&@afkmon> means that there are parts of the universe that would be IMPOSSIBLE for us to see even if we were immortal
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[15:06] <Milkis__> ok
[15:06] <Milkis__> read hikaru no go
[15:06] <Milkis__> and pay attention to sai
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[15:06] <Milkis__> that's ltierally the best advice i can give you
[15:06] <&@afkmon> that doesn't hit me as hard now because I can at least say "well that almost doesn't exist even if it does"
[15:06] <Milkis__> given your situation
[15:07] <Milkis__> i think you will resonate with it
[15:07] <Milkis__> a lot
[15:08] <&@afkmon> hmm, I'll certainly do that later
[15:09] <&@afkmon> "Hikaru no Go (ヒカルの碁?, lit. "Hikaru's Go") is a manga series, a coming of age story based on the board game Go written by Yumi Hotta and illustrated by Takeshi Obata with an anime adaptation. The production of the series' Go games was supervised by Go professional Yukari Umezawa (5-dan). The manga is largely responsible for popularizing Go among
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[15:09] <&@afkmon> the youth of Japan since its debut,[1] and in other areas such as China, South Korea, Taiwan and the United States."
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[15:09] <&@afkmon> that sounds interesting to me. one of my old coping mechanicms was
[15:09] <&@afkmon> that totally out there fermi paradox hypothesis
[15:09] <&@afkmon> that part of the reason the milky way has not been colonized by an advanced civization already
[15:09] <&@afkmon> is because they turned to virtual reality
[15:09] <&@afkmon> in a way
[15:09] <&@afkmon> I hoped that life itself was a cruel game
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[15:10] <&@afkmon> oh I forgot to finish that story of what happened 14 years ago...
[15:10] <&@afkmon> I dont really remember too much of what happened but
[15:10] <&@afkmon> my parents told me that
[15:10] <&@afkmon> when they took me to a psychologist
[15:11] <&@afkmon> I was extremely unresponsive to pretty much anything he said
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[15:11] <+biggie> yo tmon
[15:11] <&@afkmon> till he brought up astronomy (I think my parents told him to mention that)
[15:11] <&@afkmon> and apprently I broke down in tears and just blurbed out everything I was thinking of
[15:12] <&@afkmon> and I fucking shocked the hell out of everyone in the room
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[15:12] <Milkis__> lol
[15:13] <Milkis__> didnt shock me
[15:13] <Milkis__> :D
[15:13] <&@afkmon> then, my parents told me to wait in the car, because they had to talk to the psychologist alone
[15:13] <&@afkmon> my dad told me much later that what happened was
[15:14] <&@afkmon> my mom started crying, saying that this is "our fault"
[15:14] <&@afkmon> because they directly encouraged me to absorb as much knowledge as possible, because I loved it, and they figured that having a smart kid is a good thing
[15:14] <&@afkmon> after that incident, they treated me totally differently
[15:15] <&@afkmon> my parents had some odd new rules such as "you cant spend more than 2 hours on homework" or "you must go outside for an hour a day"
[15:15] <Pwnemon> why cant my parents have those rules
[15:15] <Pwnemon> fuckin asshats
[15:15] <&@afkmon> now that I think back to it all
[15:15] <&@afkmon> I guess its sorta strange when my dad would say stuff like
[15:15] <+DHR> afkmon: they were just trying to protect you :(
[15:15] <Irysa> you never went over about what effect religion had on your upbringing
[15:16] <&@afkmon> "son, stop doing homework. go play that new mario game"
[15:16] <&@afkmon> oh yeah
[15:16] <&@afkmon> Irysa: I think the thing that kept me stable was the promise of an after life
[15:16] <&@afkmon> I used to go to church a lot
[15:16] <&@afkmon> most of my family is catholic
[15:16] <&@afkmon> granted my parents weren't... exactly tradtional catholics
[15:17] <Milkis__> i think they just wanted you to have more fun
[15:17] <Milkis__> haha
[15:17] <&@afkmon> (my dad quit the republican party because of the homophobia stuff. one time he scolded me for saying "thats so gay" because apprently when he was a young adult, a friend of his commiited suicide because he was gay)
[15:17] <Milkis__> like sure you find absorbing knowledge fun
[15:17] <&@afkmon> yeah that is what they wanted Tangerine
[15:17] <Milkis__> but that's not how a "normal" kid has fun
[15:18] <&@afkmon> lol this almost reminds me of how
[15:18] <+DHR> Well im not sure thats true Milkis__
[15:18] <&@afkmon> I used to watch nova a lot as a kid
[15:18] <+DHR> I read a lot when I was little too
[15:18] <+DHR> on a lot of similar things to tmon
[15:18] <&@afkmon> and my dad would be like "dont you want to watch cartoons?" after the whole incidint
[15:18] <+DHR> I just never reached the point of a crisis
[15:18] <&@afkmon> I wonder if this is also the reason (combined with the whole asthma thing)
[15:19] <Milkis__> well dhr you're also probably not a normal kid :)
[15:19] <&@afkmon> that my parents used to fucking spoil me rotten with video games at one point
[15:19] <Pwnemon> we're on a pokemon site
[15:19] <Pwnemon> are any of us normal kids
[15:19] <&@afkmon> tangerine, I was always the kid in school who had "all 3 consoles" lol
[15:19] <Pwnemon> i fuckin hated that asshole
[15:19] <Milkis__> lol
[15:19] <Pwnemon> WHY DO YOU NEED A PS2 AND AN XBOX
[15:19] <Pwnemon> __THEY ARE THE SAME SYSTEM__
[15:20] <&@afkmon> I actually didnt have an xbox though but that was my decsion :P
[15:20] <&@afkmon> (I have all 3 consoles now though, thats my parents fault I cant go back)
[15:20] <Pwnemon> lol
[15:20] <&@afkmon> but uhh anyways
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[15:20] <&@afkmon> Irysa: thinking about how there was no proof of an afterlife
[15:20] <&@afkmon> was a major factor in the whole thing
[15:21] <Pwnemon> so tmon if we could summarize your problem here...
[15:21] <Pwnemon> 1) you only find meaning in life in something where it's impossible to achieve perfectino
[15:21] <Pwnemon> 2) youre a perfectionist
[15:21] <&@afkmon> one of the things I blurted out was something like "I cant believe in an afterlife, everything in the bible is outrageous and full of bizzrare, fictional magic"
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[15:21] <&@afkmon> tbh I think my parents actually reacted
[15:21] <&@afkmon> very well to that
[15:22] <Pwnemon> your parents sound like very loving and awesome parents tbh
[15:22] <+DHR> Milkis__: you are not the first person to say that
[15:22] <&@afkmon> they decided to not bring me to church any more (and apprently thought of some bs excuses for the rest of the family)
[15:22] <&@afkmon> and they just
[15:22] <&@afkmon> didnt bring up the topic with me anymore
[15:22] <&@afkmon> because they knew it freaked me out
[15:23] <&@afkmon> yeah Pwnemon, they were. thats probably why their divorce hit me so hard 5 years ago
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[15:23] <&@afkmon> tbh the divorce plus the whole "I am probably going to die soon" thing
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[15:23] <&@afkmon> is what got me to join Smogon
[15:23] <&@afkmon> hmm now that I think about it
[15:23] <&@afkmon> I think joining Smogon was sort of a gut reaction to avoid another similar mental breakdown
[15:24] <&@afkmon> it sure worked for 5 years at least!
[15:24] <Pwnemon> lol
[15:24] <&@afkmon> also yes I am a perfectionist at times
[15:24] <+DHR> Hey man, people on the internet can be surprisingly accepting
[15:24] <&@afkmon> I use to have problems later in school because
[15:25] <Electrolyte> I've found that people on the internet are more accepting than people irl
[15:25] <&@afkmon> I would refuse to turn in assignments because I felt like "they werent ready yet"
[15:25] <&@afkmon> also dhr and Electrolyte: hell yes
[15:25] <Electrolyte> afkmon, I don't think there's anything wrong with being a perfectionist
[15:25] <&@afkmon> I was constantly bullied in elementary school and middle school because of my focus in science
[15:25] <Pwnemon> yeah so i mean that makes there be two ways to solve your problem
[15:25] <&@afkmon> Electrolyte: I took it to a harmful extreme though
[15:25] <Electrolyte> but I also know people that are so obsessed that it gets in the way of their health and ability to do things
[15:25] <Pwnemon> 1) find meaning of life in other things
[15:25] <&@afkmon> I used to do stuff like
[15:26] <Electrolyte> ah so you're extreme
[15:26] <Pwnemon> 2) accept imperfection and embrace it
[15:26] <&@afkmon> lol I told this story a while back but
[15:26] <&@afkmon> in 6th grade we had to do a horror story for enligsh class
[15:26] <&@afkmon> (by while back I mean 2 weeks ago)
[15:27] <&@afkmon> I did this crazy fucking story that involved near light speed travel and the extinction of the human race because of an alien race that dramtically misunderstood us
[15:27] <&@afkmon> and then at the last minute I realized
[15:27] <&@afkmon> "oh fuck I forgot to explain why this alien race didn't colonize the milky way"
[15:27] <&@afkmon> so I almost threw my god damn story in the garbage in front of my teacher
[15:28] <&@afkmon> so he grabbed it and was like "why arent you turning this in
[15:28] <&@afkmon> I explained it while he was reading it and he was like "whatever heres your A+"
[15:28] <+biggie> Mocirano a shit
[15:29] <&@afkmon> also Pwnemon I think the problem with 2 might be to me
[15:29] <&@afkmon> death is the ultimate imperfection so to speak
[15:29] <%Mocirano> wow where did that come from
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[15:29] <&@afkmon> there is no getting around death
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[15:29] <Pwnemon> isnt your problem more that death comes before you do all you want to do
[15:29] <%Mocirano> https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/t1.0-9/10172655_1520021808224472_581376410_n.jpg
[15:29] <%Mocirano> biggie
[15:29] <%Mocirano> rate and guess age
[15:30] <Pwnemon> her face is bad af
[15:30] <Pwnemon> 5/10, 19
[15:30] <&@afkmon> yeah exactly pwnemon
[15:30] <&@afkmon> see when I was little, I was totally ok with that
[15:30] <&@afkmon> because I figured
[15:31] <&@afkmon> with the afterlife, I'd still learn everything SOME how
[15:31] <&@afkmon> with that illusion shattered, it sent me through a downward sprial I never really recovered from
[15:31] <Electrolyte> this is so deep
[15:31] <Electrolyte> I was brought up as a christian but
[15:32] <Electrolyte> sometimes i still entertain the idea that heaven might just be something different
[15:32] <Pwnemon> yeah tmon i think theres a point in everyones life when they have to come to grips with a thought like that
[15:32] <&@afkmon> I may be an atheist (or agonistic, I dont really like thinking about that kind of stuff), but very few people would be delighted to learn of an existance of an after life than me
[15:33] <&@afkmon> tbh this effected me in some other ways too
[15:33] <&@afkmon> for example every since then
[15:33] <&@afkmon> I actually feel really bad when I say, squash a bug
[15:33] <&@afkmon> because it makes me think "i just eradicated a living thing's existance"
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[15:33] <Electrolyte> that's an interesting thought
[15:33] <&@afkmon> it also gave me a really strong hate of war
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[15:34] <Electrolyte> but, by bringing up the example, are you implying that you'd want an afterlife for animals too?
[15:34] <&@afkmon> yeah totally
[15:34] <Electrolyte> I wouldn't be against it, I just never thought of it that way
[15:34] <&@afkmon> I will probably be extrememly sad when my dog and cat pass away
[15:35] <%Mocirano> who wouldnt?
[15:35] <&@afkmon> man this reminds me of the time in 6th grade
[15:35] <&@afkmon> in global studies we had to do this thing called a power point on world issues
[15:35] <&@afkmon> and I chose the "choose your own topic"
[15:35] <&@afkmon> so I chose human trafficking
[15:35] <&@afkmon> and horrified the entire class
[15:35] <Pwnemon> lol
[15:35] <Electrolyte> lol
[15:36] <&@afkmon> with 100 power point slides of pure misery
[15:36] <Electrolyte> that's intense for a 6th grade class
[15:36] <&@afkmon> Electrolyte: some kids had to leave the class room
[15:36] <&@afkmon> one screamed because the final slide
[15:36] <&@afkmon> was about huaman trafficking in the united states
[15:36] <Electrolyte> D:
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[15:36] <cAsSiUsYt> did you get a good grade at least
[15:36] <Electrolyte> lol
[15:36] <&@afkmon> yeah
[15:36] <&@afkmon> I did
[15:36] <Electrolyte> wow nice
[15:36] <&@afkmon> to be fair
[15:37] <&@afkmon> I showed the teacher the power point in advanvce
[15:37] <Electrolyte> my 6th grade health class could not even handle the word "herpes"
[15:37] <&@afkmon> so he told the class room
[15:37] <%Mocirano> how old are 6th graders
[15:37] <&@afkmon> "this report covers a very serious and disturbing issue, those of you who have weak hearts are allowed to stay outside the classroom"
[15:37] <cAsSiUsYt> 11 i think
[15:37] <&@afkmon> wait fuck sorry this was 9th grade rofl
[15:37] <Electrolyte> 11->12
[15:37] <Electrolyte> OH
[15:37] <Electrolyte> ok lol that makes a difference
[15:37] <Pwnemon> lol one time in sixth grade i passed out in class
[15:37] <Pwnemon> because they had a video of a guy who got throat cancer
[15:38] <Pwnemon> so he had an open hole in his throat with a flap of gauze over it
[15:38] <&@afkmon> rofl Im crazy but even I didnt really grasp human trafficking when I was 11
[15:38] <Pwnemon> and he was like 'sometimes bugs fly in there"
[15:38] <&@afkmon> oh I did some some crazy shit in 5th grade though
[15:39] <Electrolyte> awwwgh
[15:39] <&@afkmon> I annoyed the science teacher cuz I wanted to talk about quarks and gluons
[15:39] <&@afkmon> and I wrote this one story
[15:39] <&@afkmon> that got a call to my parents cuz the main character commited suiciude
[15:39] <&@afkmon> lol I think I told this channel the contents of that story, it went something like
[15:39] <Electrolyte> wow
[15:39] <Electrolyte> that escalated quickly
[15:39] <Electrolyte> 5th grade science story about quarks and gluons and suicide
[15:39] <Electrolyte> that is a story I want to read
[15:39] <&@afkmon> it was called "pod people"
[15:40] <Pwnemon> my parents got a call from the school one time when i was in kindergarten
[15:40] <&@afkmon> ok lol I can tell you about the story I wrote, Im gonna keep it short though
[15:40] <Pwnemon> because we had to sing this song that was like "hooray for kindergarten" but i fucking hated kindergarten
[15:40] <Pwnemon> so instead i sang "hooray for butt-garten"
[15:40] <&@afkmon> apprently people itc last time were shocked I wrote it in 5th grade or something >_>
[15:40] <Electrolyte> dude kindergarten was the worst
[15:40] <&@afkmon> anyways, I wrote this story called pod people, and it was heavily inspired by the fermi paradox
[15:40] <Electrolyte> I took scissors and gave my friend a haircut
[15:40] <Electrolyte> and my teacher actually got mad
[15:40] <Electrolyte> like wtf free service ??
[15:40] <+DHR> Mocirano: would wreck
[15:41] <&@afkmon> so in this story
[15:41] <&@afkmon> this kid finds this weird, crashed ufo like thing in the forest
[15:42] <&@afkmon> he opens it up
[15:42] <&@afkmon> and he finds a dead, alien thing
[15:42] <&@afkmon> he burries it
[15:42] <&@afkmon> goes into the ship
[15:42] <&@afkmon> and this wire thing latches onto his head
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[15:43] <&@afkmon> and then, he finds himself in a TOTALLY different world than earth
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[15:43] <Electrolyte> this is the quarks / gluons / suicide story right? lol
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[15:43] <&@afkmon> a more... peaceful looking place, a place that was almost like the perfect combonatiojn of technology and nature
[15:43] <&@afkmon> Electrolyte: sorta, the quarks / gluon thing was an amusing ancedote, this is about the suicide story
[15:43] <Electrolyte> ah
[15:44] <&@afkmon> so anyways, the kid looks at his hands and makes a startling discovery
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[15:44] <&@afkmon> he now looks like one of the aliens
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[15:45] <&@afkmon> I dont remember what he did in this part besides
[15:45] <&@afkmon> talking to aliens, trying to learn their culture, etc
[15:45] <&@afkmon> he finds out where his "home" is
[15:46] <&@afkmon> oh yeah btw throghut this part, the other aliens are like "wtf how do you not know this stuff"
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[15:46] <&@afkmon> anyways, he talks to his "family", and explains what happens
[15:46] <&@afkmon> and the family is fucking horrified
[15:46] <&@afkmon> and one of the alien kids is like "YOU KILLED DADDY"
[15:46] <&@afkmon> as it turns out
[15:46] <&@afkmon> that "alien" was NOT dead
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[15:46] Nick change: Aaron|Away -> Aaron
[15:46] <&@afkmon> this species is so advanved
[15:47] <&@afkmon> that they life in these virtual reality pods that search for raw material to keep them going
[15:47] <&@afkmon> because real life is far too cruel
[15:47] <&@afkmon> the kid accidently murdered the alien
[15:47] <&@afkmon> in the civialization that has not experienved murder in eons
[15:47] <&@afkmon> by eons I mean think... thousands to millions of years
[15:47] <&@afkmon> this throws the alien society in complete disaray
[15:47] <&@afkmon> they have NO coping mechanisms for death
[15:48] <&@afkmon> there is no "justice system"
[15:48] <&@afkmon> because this civialization essecitaly lived in a utopia
[15:48] <&@afkmon> some aliens even go as far as detaching themselsves from their pods (I think I implied that this would kill them)
[15:48] <&@afkmon> so in the end
[15:48] <&@afkmon> the kid detattches himself
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[15:49] <&@afkmon> writes a note, and then hangs himself
[15:49] <Electrolyte> @.@
[15:49] <&@afkmon> comitting suicide because
[15:49] <&@afkmon> he was so horrified that he just doomed an entire civialization
[15:49] <&@afkmon> over just one mistake
[15:49] <&@afkmon> yeah that got a call to my parents lol
[15:50] <Pwnemon> lol
[15:50] <Electrolyte> wait but
[15:50] <Electrolyte> he didn't kill the alien
[15:50] <Electrolyte> it died from the ufo crash
[15:50] <Pwnemon> it wasnt dead
[15:50] <Pwnemon> till he detached its pod
[15:50] <Pwnemon> and put it on
[15:51] <Pwnemon> pls
[15:51] <Milkis__> lollol tmon
[15:51] <&@afkmon> oh sorry I might have forgot to explain that part
[15:51] <Milkis__> yeah, i think you think about death a lot
[15:51] <&@afkmon> yeah the kid killed the alien when he detached it / burried it. it was ONE of those things
[15:51] <Milkis__> and scared of it
[15:51] <Milkis__> :p
[15:52] <&@afkmon> yes I am
[15:52] <&@afkmon> I didnt even write the story because of death consciously though
[15:52] Nick change: Fagtron -> Fagtroff
[15:52] <&@afkmon> I wrote it because
[15:52] <&@afkmon> I dont really like writing fiction and I decided the only way to make it fun was to involve the fermi paradox somehow
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[15:52] <&@afkmon> and I was thinking "oh man that vr hypothesis is so nuts, how could one kid fuck that all up"
[15:53] <Electrolyte> that actually
[15:53] <Electrolyte> sounds like a REALLY great story
[15:53] <Electrolyte> like
[15:53] <Electrolyte> I would watch a movie of that
[15:53] <Pwnemon> yeah honestly
[15:53] <Pwnemon> lol
[15:53] <Pwnemon> that could totally be a movie
[15:54] <&@afkmon> I dunno it was probably like 6 pages hand written or so
[15:54] <&@afkmon> I am very bad with longform fictional content
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[15:54] <&@afkmon> I could never see myself writing a book about any kind of fiction
[15:54] <Pwnemon> yeah but if someone else adapted it
[15:54] <Infinity> It could have daily life in it.
[15:54] <Infinity> World building.
[15:54] <&@afkmon> I would never enjoy creating a massive world, I much prefer creating small vauge worlds to explore an idea
[15:55] <Infinity> Then introduce that part of the story.
[15:55] <&@afkmon> hmm...
[15:55] <&@afkmon> I somewhat had this feeling before but
[15:55] <&@afkmon> I wonder
[15:55] <&@afkmon> if taking up writing short stories could somewhat help stave off this impending doom feeling I usually have
[15:56] <&@afkmon> I'd like to note that the things Im feeling atm
[15:56] <&@afkmon> I have been thinking of for 14 years straight
[15:56] <&@afkmon> I just used various forms of escapism to avoid losing my sanity
[15:56] <&@afkmon> (smogon, partculary Ubers, being one of them)
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[15:56] <Infinity> Try thinknig about...
[15:56] <Infinity> Your legacy.
[15:57] <Infinity> That makes some people really never die in theory.
[15:57] <&@afkmon> oh no ifiniy that doesnt work with me
[15:57] <&@afkmon> due to several factors such as
[15:57] <&@afkmon> how atm I really doubt humanity will live long enough to leave the planet
[15:57] <&@afkmon> thus there will be no legacy left when the sun becomes a red giant
[15:57] <&@afkmon> and either fries the planet or engulfs it
[15:58] <Milkis__> there'll be nothing left when the universe ends
[15:58] <Milkis__> so?
[15:58] <&@afkmon> ok tangerine I will admit, I have ONE small hope about that
[15:58] <&@afkmon> its small buuuut
[15:58] <Electrolyte> people with religion have it easy, afkmon
[15:58] <&@afkmon> I DID read a lot about the end of the universe tangerine
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[15:58] <&@afkmon> and I got the disticnt impression that
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[15:58] <&@afkmon> we really dont know wtf is up with that
[15:58] <Milkis__> lol
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[15:59] <Milkis__> i dunno
[15:59] <Electrolyte> we barely understand the beginning
[15:59] <Milkis__> i think instead of clinging to hopes
[15:59] <Infinity> Just blame Stealth Rock.
[15:59] <ProClifo> hi
[15:59] <Milkis__> you just need to make peace with it
[15:59] <&@afkmon> like I recall us knowing only a bit more about the end of the universe than the fermi paradox
[16:00] <&@afkmon> I will admit though
[16:00] <&@afkmon> heat death is scary as fuck
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[16:01] <&@afkmon> also you guys know how
[16:01] <&@afkmon> I like to joke about becoming a cyborg?
[16:01] <&@afkmon> there is truth to that. as much as I hate mortality
[16:01] <&@afkmon> I ESPECIALLY HATE
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[16:01] <&@afkmon> how small the human lifespan is
[16:02] <@Limi> i keep reading morality
[16:02] <&@afkmon> 70-100ish years freaking sucks
[16:02] <Pwnemon> yeah i think the goal is really
[16:03] <Pwnemon> to find happiness in "pointless" things
[16:03] <Pwnemon> because if you want to get existential enough, there is really nothing ever that would have a "point"
[16:03] <Pwnemon> even if we managed to outlive ou rplanet
[16:03] <&@afkmon> yeah, part of the problem is that it stopped working
[16:04] <Electrolyte> I in particular don't really care much for the end of the world
[16:04] <Electrolyte> but I do admit
[16:04] <Electrolyte> a wall-e kind of spaceship would be terrific
[16:04] <&@afkmon> Im gonna admit this is part of the reason why I dont just hop on PS and go crazy with weird Uber teams, and instead try to plan teams out. I was hoping planing teams more througotly (thats somthing I never did in gens 4-5 lol) would bring that spark back
[16:04] <&@afkmon> it hasnt for either Ubers or Battlespot
[16:04] Nick change: Mocirano -> MOCIRANO
[16:04] <&@afkmon> this is gonna sound dumb as all fuck but
[16:04] <&@afkmon> today when i couldnt even enjoy MARIO
[16:05] <&@afkmon> I knew something had gone seriously wrong =/
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[16:05] <&@afkmon> Electrolyte: what I always wanted was that ship from cosmos
[16:05] <&@afkmon> I fucking wish that existed
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[16:07] <&@afkmon> you know Tangerine the more I think about it
[16:07] <&@afkmon> the more that I think your life about the whole near death experience defining me
[16:08] <&@afkmon> if that never happened, god who knows what I'd be like
[16:08] <&@afkmon> maybe I'd be one of those weirdos who are really smart but INSIST on intelligent design in the science classroom :P
[16:08] <&@afkmon> or maybe I would have had a breakdown at a different time I dunno
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[16:10] <&@afkmon> ok
[16:10] <&@afkmon> I wanna thank you guys
[16:11] <&@afkmon> I'm still in a very very bad place, but I dont think Im gonna have a mental breakdown today at least
[16:11] <&@afkmon> Im probably just gone be really quiet today, you all gave me a lot to think about!
[13:41] <%Acedia> I ignore it
[13:41] <%Acedia> or try to
[13:41] <%Mocirano> i play haxball
[13:41] <&@afkmon> man I sure wish I could use Pokémon to ignore that like I used to
[13:41] <&@Milkis> by putting more importance in yourself so you dont care about futility and insignificance from a grander perspective
[13:42] <&@afkmon> but its not working for me anymore
[13:42] <&@Milkis> ez
[13:42] <&@Milkis> k gotta go to work (last day of work, yay)
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[13:44] <%Mocirano> is this #pokemon or #philosophy
[13:44] <Aurora> [23:40:11] <<&afkmon>> so... how do you guys deal with the futility of life, and the insignificance of humanity?
[13:44] <Aurora> 42
[13:44] <%Acedia> I suppose you could try learning something new
[13:44] <%Mocirano> Aurora mate
[13:44] <%Mocirano> gday
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[13:44] <%Acedia> g'day fren
[13:44] <Aurora> nice accent
[13:44] <Aurora> i have now heard you speak
[13:45] <&@afkmon> lol, I'm glad humor exists or else I would have been in a mental asylum years ago, muttering useless factoids about the universe to myself
[13:45] <Aurora> i will work on my mocirano impression
[13:45] <%Mocirano> oh you saw the hedgehog
[13:45] <@sad_yilx> MARIO MARIO
[13:45] <@sad_yilx> MAYRoKRATT
[13:45] <%Mocirano> send a vocoroo of your impression of me pls
[13:45] <@sad_yilx> unpekunpekunpekunpekunpekunpekunpekunpekunpekunpekunpekunpek
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[13:45] <@sad_yilx> ugh wrng chat
[13:45] <%Mocirano> yilx are you tired
[13:45] <&@afkmon> yilx Im at the point where I could not even wring enjoyment from Super Mario Galaxy 2
[13:45] <&@afkmon> Im in a pretty bad place atm
[13:46] <@sad_yilx> yes i am very tieed
[13:46] <@sad_yilx> what hapen :(
[13:46] <&@afkmon> a place that I haven't been since... I was around 8
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[13:46] <&@afkmon> yilx long story short, I may end up losing my last grandparent soon, but that isnt the reason for my state
[13:46] <@sad_yilx> oh dear :(
[13:47] <@sad_yilx> i last my last grandparent 2 years ago...
[13:47] <@sad_yilx> i know hw it feels
[13:47] <@sad_yilx> but getting to the point whats up
[13:47] <&@afkmon> it made me start thinking about life and death, and then of course that leads in my mind to the futility of life and the insigfgance of humanity in our universe
[13:47] <&@afkmon> the visible universe is around... 95 billion light years
[13:47] <&@afkmon> there is much more to the universe that we can't see, and will never get to due to the universes's expansion
[13:47] <@sad_yilx> god damn it tmon lol
[13:48] <@sad_yilx> live in the moment and not concern about anything past our oozon layer imo
[13:48] <@sad_yilx> youi could always leave al egacy behidn
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[13:48] <&@afkmon> places that are impossible for humanity to reach even if we were immortal
[13:48] <&@afkmon> what use is a legacy? the sun will become a red giant some day and either roast the entire planet or engulf it
[13:50] <Irysa> there's no inherant greater purpose or meaning or relevance to the you as an indivdual, humanity as a whole, our planet, or the universe
[13:50] <Irysa> you make your own meaning of your own life
[13:50] <@sad_yilx> well
[13:50] <@sad_yilx> you dont know
[13:50] <@sad_yilx> if something would happen
[13:51] <@sad_yilx> that change everything
[13:51] <@sad_yilx> for all you know
[13:51] <Irysa> thats the same as not knowing if it won't happen
[13:51] <Irysa> using that as a philisophical standpoint is kinda flimsy
[13:52] <&@afkmon> yilx that just makes me even worse for the reasons Irysa just stated
[13:52] <Irysa> i can't tell you anything other than you have to decide what merits you find in reality
[13:53] <&@afkmon> also yeah Irysa, this may be part of the problem here
[13:53] <Irysa> for me, I've decided that life has enough experiences that are worth being there for.
[13:53] <Irysa> that I'm comfortable with trying to carry on
[13:53] <&@afkmon> the entire thing Ive based my life around
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[13:54] <Irysa> well if it makes you feel any better, I had a somewhat similar epiphany when I was younger
[13:54] <&@afkmon> are three things, that are a major reason why I dramatically fear death
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[13:54] <&@afkmon> 1. I want to gain as much knowledge about the universe as possible
[13:55] <&@afkmon> 2. I wish for humanity to leave earth behind, and to pass the great filter (the same one from the fermi paradox)
[13:55] <&@afkmon> btw by universe I mostly mean the universe's mechanics
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[13:57] <&@afkmon> oh sorry 2 is both 2 and 3
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[13:57] <&@afkmon> but umm yeah I had a similar thing happen when I was 8
[13:57] <&@afkmon> and what happened there was
[13:57] <&@afkmon> thinking the way Im thinking now
[13:57] <&@afkmon> caused a serious mental breakdown, my parents had to withdraw me from school for weeks, and I had to see a psychologist
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[13:59] <&@afkmon> I really, really do not want to go through that again
[13:59] <&@afkmon> but I can't really stop my mind
[14:00] <Irysa> I can't really give you any concrete advice on that beyond generic escapism, which I what I do in those kinds of circumstances.
[14:00] <&@afkmon> yeah Ive been trying that lately
[14:00] <Irysa> most people can usually just force those kinds of thoughts out if preoccupied enough.
[14:01] <&@afkmon> I cant even find joy in Mario or Pokemon anymore
[14:01] <Irysa> there are bound to be more things you haven't experienced yet
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[14:01] <&@afkmon> (I know that may seem silly, but theres a reason Ive stuck to things like that: if I dont, these thoughts come back)
[14:01] <Irysa> no, its not silly
[14:03] <Irysa> Although before I say more, is that just to do with your association with them from prior, or the general more lighthearted tone?
[14:03] <Irysa> because if it's the latter, there are plenty more out there, and if it's the former, then that's a completely different problem
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[14:05] <&@afkmon> probably the former
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[14:07] <Irysa> do you really feel those are the only positive experienes you can bring up an association with?
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[14:09] <&@afkmon> no
[14:09] <Rushan> what happen
[14:09] <&@afkmon> but I feel like the rest of them are having much less of an effect on me
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[14:10] <&@afkmon> firestorm Im trying to prevent a mental breakdown
[14:10] <&@afkmon> if I cant prevent it by today, Im probably going to have to see a psychologist
[14:10] <&@afkmon> and go away for a long time
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[14:12] <Irysa> if you can't take any enjoyment out of anything at all, you're probably clinically depressed.
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[14:12] <&@afkmon> oh I know that, I take medication for that, but this is a very very different feeling than that
[14:13] <Irysa> mmmm, you take antidepressants?
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[14:13] <&@afkmon> I have been for around 5 years
[14:13] <Irysa> I've been offered those a lot but I've always refused them.
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[14:13] <Irysa> I don't trust them, but its not my place to say what you take
[14:13] <Irysa> and you're probably somewhat dependant on them now anyway
[14:14] <&@afkmon> yeah. see this isnt the "I don't find joy any more for unknown reasons" kind of thing I expererinced before
[14:14] <Irysa> yeah sorry
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[14:15] <&@afkmon> this is feeling more like an intense feeling of dread, an existinstal crsis of sorts
[14:16] <&@afkmon> the same thing that happened when I was 8
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[14:18] <Irysa> well I'm not really in a position to tell you how to change thought processes or give a solution
[14:18] <Irysa> if you absoloutely don't want to go into therapy again
[14:18] <Irysa> then focus on that as a counter
[14:18] <Irysa> because I don't know you well enough to know of any other strong feelings you have
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[14:19] <Irysa> on the other hand that might be a bad idea if you just worry yourself sick thinking about it
[14:19] <Irysa> sorry, I didn't think that response out very well
[14:19] <&@afkmon> its alright
[14:19] <&@afkmon> its not your fault
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[14:23] <&@afkmon> I apologise #Pokemon, but can I continue to talk about this?
[14:23] <&@afkmon> something I just realized is that when this happened when I was 8 years old, it happened a rather isolated enviroment
[14:24] <&@afkmon> late at night, and when my parents found me, I was apprently competely non responsive to outside stimuli
[14:24] <Irysa> having people to talk to is a good thing, but I'm barely an accquaintance so someone else is probably in a better position than I am
[14:24] <Irysa> to give any advice
[14:25] <+DHR> Go ahead man
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[14:27] <+DHR> :(
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[14:27] <Irysa> if you want something to just talk about
[14:28] <Irysa> would it be prudent to ask about what you were talking about before WRT space and knowledge
[14:28] <Irysa> in more detail I mean
[14:28] <&@afkmon> wrt?
[14:28] <Irysa> with regard to
[14:29] <Irysa> [14:58:09] <&afkmon> 1. I want to gain as much knowledge about the universe as possible
[14:29] <Irysa> [14:58:45] <&afkmon> 2. I wish for humanity to leave earth behind, and to pass the great filter (the same one from the fermi paradox
[14:29] <&@afkmon> oh
[14:29] <&@afkmon> tbh Im not really sure there was a time
[14:29] <&@afkmon> I was deaf for the first few years of my life, and I also have a form of high functioning autism.
[14:30] <&@afkmon> when I was finally able to talk at around... late 3 to early 4 years old, the first things I would talk about were stars in the sky
[14:30] <&@afkmon> the first books I read were closely related to astronomy
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[14:31] <&@afkmon> I mean its hard to really recall much from before I could talk lol
[14:31] <@Ike> you could probably look for the essential experience behind those things that draws you to them
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[14:31] <@Ike> a completely random example, but it could be going beyond your limitations or what not
[14:31] <&@afkmon> the closest thing I could ever think of is "I probably thought about numbers"
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[14:31] <@Ike> so you can recreate that sort of thing in other areas
[14:31] <Irysa> so you think you've always felt that way?
[14:31] <@Ike> like working out or whatever
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[14:32] <&@afkmon> probably Irysa, at least as far as I can possibly remember
[14:32] <Irysa> That's actually somewhat interesting, most people usually have parts of their life where their thinking gets reshaped significantly to have a strong focus like that
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[14:32] <&@afkmon> I already work out melee mewtwo, though thats less to do with getting my mind off of things
[14:32] <&@afkmon> because if anything working out causes me to think at a more rapid pace
[14:33] <Irysa> I'd make a nasuverse quip but I don't think it's appropriate
[14:33] <&@afkmon> (I pretty much have to work out, it increases my rate of thinking)
[14:33] <Irysa> unless you're in the mood for just banter at this point
[14:33] <&@afkmon> nah just say it
[14:33] <&@afkmon> I don't think anything anyone can say could make me feel worse at least!
[14:33] <Irysa> sounds like your Origin is "Space"
[14:33] <Pwnemon> what if i told you that your mom was dead
[14:33] <Pwnemon> and i wasnt lying
[14:33] <@Ike> lol
[14:34] <Pwnemon> would that make u feel worse
[14:34] <Pwnemon> ???
[14:34] <&@afkmon> nope
[14:34] <&@afkmon> its sorta selfish in a way Pwnemon
[14:34] <Pwnemon> huh.
[14:34] <&@afkmon> but Im in that strange state
[14:34] <Pwnemon> what if i called u a fucking dick-ass no life forever alone (BAN ME PLEASE)
[14:34] <&@afkmon> thats a higher opinion than what I think of myself atm
[14:35] <Pwnemon> /i will break you/
[14:35] <Pwnemon> oh
[14:35] <@Ike> pwnemon its too late
[14:35] <@Ike> is the point
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[14:35] <&@afkmon> you cant break whats already broken
[14:35] <Pwnemon> why r u broken
[14:35] <@Ike> read up
[14:35] <Irysa> well I may as well ask now
[14:36] <Irysa> in the context of this conversation, do you actively want to talk about yourself and your situation, or are you just looking for something to attempt to preoccupy yourself with
[14:37] <&@afkmon> Im not sure
[14:37] <&@afkmon> I may just be attempting to delay a mental breakdown
[14:37] <@Ike> jc why do you care about science
[14:37] <&@afkmon> because I didnt have the means to last time
[14:38] <&@afkmon> its because science is pretty much the entire point of existing to me
[14:38] <@Ike> yeah that's jsut going in a circle though
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[14:38] <@Ike> why is it like that for you?
[14:38] <Pwnemon> o ok i read up
[14:38] <&@afkmon> life is pointless, and humanity is extremely insinifgigant in a universe that is at the very least, 95 billion light years
[14:38] <Irysa> the universe's objective insignificance
[14:39] <Irysa> doesn't mean that nothing can have significance for the individual
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[14:39] <&@afkmon> to me, the only thing that can truely bring joy to me, and isn't just a form of "escapsim" in my mind, is learning as much about the universe as possible, and finding some way for humanity to free itself from the shackles of earth
[14:39] <Irysa> if you think that the pursuit of knowledge is an admirable trait that you want to continously aspire to
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[14:40] <Irysa> then the universe doesn't have to give its blessing to that
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[14:41] <@Ike> how does your grandmother figure into this love of science
[14:41] <@Ike> if science is the center of everything for you
[14:41] <@Ike> but your grandmother is the trigger for this whatever
[14:41] <&@afkmon> she made me start thinking about life and death again
[14:41] <@Ike> gotcha
[14:41] <&@afkmon> and that is a VERY dangerous line of thinking for me
[14:42] <Irysa> do you think you need a discernable result for it to be worth it?
[14:42] <&@afkmon> Irysa: it may be less about "the universe giving a blessing" and more about "the univerese inhibting that"
[14:42] <Irysa> do you loathe the prospect of going that far and us barely ever scratching the surface
[14:42] <&@afkmon> yes
[14:43] <&@afkmon> especially cosnidering the horrors of mortality
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[14:43] <&@afkmon> and this is going to probably sound dumb as all fucking hell but
[14:43] <Irysa> I would argue that the journey is more important than the destination
[14:43] <&@afkmon> I don't really have much faith in humanity anymore
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[14:43] <Irysa> don't worry, most people don't
[14:43] <&@afkmon> I truely wonder if we will ever pass the filter
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[14:43] <%Acedia> as an individual, probably
[14:44] <&@afkmon> if we will ever go on to truely explore the universe
[14:44] <%Acedia> when you look at science though, the destination ends up mattering more than the journey
[14:44] <&@afkmon> dont get me wrong, I find the journey extremely important too
[14:44] <Irysa> That's if you entirely focus on the science itself and ignore everything that was a part
[14:44] <Irysa> of it surrounding it
[14:44] <&@afkmon> a major part of the reason I so strongly fear death is because of losing the ability to think about the universe
[14:45] <Irysa> A man working towards his dream who didn't realise it lived his life working towards his dream, that's something great in itself
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[14:45] <Irysa> hmm
[14:45] <@Ike> tmon
[14:45] <@Ike> tpp
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[14:45] <@Ike> given enough time
[14:45] Action: Milkis__ slaps afkmon
[14:45] <@Ike> we can do anything
[14:45] <Milkis__> are you done being existential yet
[14:45] <Milkis__> ?
[14:46] <&@afkmon> no, its getting worse tangerine. not as bad when I was 8 yet though
[14:46] <&@afkmon> when that happened
[14:46] <Irysa> I actually endorse your line of thinking for entirely different reasons
[14:46] <&@afkmon> I was competely unresposnive
[14:46] <&@afkmon> my parents thought something terrible had happened to me
[14:46] <@Ike> tmon where did the bad man touch you??
[14:46] <Milkis__> ok
[14:46] <Milkis__> do you want to talk about it
[14:46] <%Acedia> rofl ike
[14:47] <Milkis__> i honestly think it's just one of those things you just get used to
[14:47] <&@afkmon> about what happened when I was 8? sure I guess. maybe that can help so I can avoid it again
[14:47] <Milkis__> like its ok to be insignificant
[14:47] <&@afkmon> rofl melee mewtwo, maybe you could say fear touched me
[14:47] <@Ike> oh god
[14:47] <@Ike> this explains
[14:47] <@Ike> the mirc logo fetish
[14:47] <&@afkmon> actually though my dad admited that
[14:47] <&@afkmon> he seriously thought someone molested me at first
[14:48] <Milkis__> o.o
[14:48] <&@afkmon> when they actually found out the reason for that, they were fucking shocked tbh >_>
[14:48] <Milkis__> OKAY TMON
[14:48] <Milkis__> LETS TALK PHILOSOPHY
[14:48] <Milkis__> well 8 year olds dont get existential crisises
[14:48] <&@afkmon> ok so what happened was
[14:48] <Irysa> you'd be surprised Milkis
[14:48] <Irysa> kids who are terminal
[14:48] <Irysa> grow up...really fast
[14:48] <Milkis__> mmmm
[14:48] <Milkis__> yes
[14:48] <%Acedia> man when I was 8 my biggest worry was not being able to catch lugia
[14:48] <Irysa> kids have an incredible capacity to learn given the circumstances
[14:49] <&@afkmon> oh I didnt realize that irysa
[14:49] <Milkis__> rofl acedia
[14:49] <Milkis__> Irysa: there's always exceptions
[14:49] <Milkis__> like people learn certain things at certain ages
[14:49] <Irysa> I don't think it's fair to dismiss what he said happened to him when he was young though
[14:49] <&@afkmon> ok you guys better be prepared, this is a very long and sorta crazy story
[14:50] <Milkis__> there's some things that you should belearning in childhood that people don't, and those people who dont learn it are people who we can generally say had bad childhoods
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[14:50] <Milkis__> dude i'm always prepared when i'm talking to you
[14:50] <Milkis__> go nuts
[14:50] <&@afkmon> ok
[14:50] <&@afkmon> so when I was 8
[14:50] <&@afkmon> that was when my asthma started rearing its ugly head
[14:50] <@Ike> rofl
[14:50] <@Ike> that's an amazing response
[14:50] <&@afkmon> and started causing serious problems
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[14:51] <&@afkmon> now I didnt get told this till much later but apprently
[14:51] <&@afkmon> I was regarded as some sort of... progidy or something when I was 8
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[14:52] <&@afkmon> I was apprently reading at a very high level, and pretty much wanted nothing to do but 1: read as much as I could about the universe, and 2: play mario (yeah some things dont change lol)
[14:52] <&@afkmon> so I know some basic stuff that my little mind could comprehend
[14:53] <&@afkmon> stuff about how the universe expands, the big bang theory, and I TRIED to understand stuff like general realtivity, and quntum mechanics was still a pretty serious mindfuck to me
[14:53] <&@afkmon> anyways I digress
[14:53] <&@afkmon> there was a point where I was hosptalized
[14:53] <&@afkmon> because my asthma had gotten so severe, and medication so ineffective that I was gasping for air
[14:54] <&@afkmon> and had to have a tube shoved down my trachea or something like that. my memory is foggy there because it scared me so much :(
[14:54] <Milkis__> o.o
[14:54] <Milkis__> go on
[14:54] <&@afkmon> when I came back to school 2 weeks later, I wasnt the same. apprently, I didnt play with any of my friends, and had become very very quiet
[14:54] <&@afkmon> what I do remember is that
[14:54] <&@afkmon> this is when I started reading about death
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[14:55] <+DHR> afkmon: quantum mechanics is a mind fuck for most adults, let alone a child :|
[14:55] <&@afkmon> when I thoguht about it, I thought
[14:55] <&@afkmon> "what proof is there that an afterlife exists?"
[14:55] <%Acedia> when I was 8 division was a mindfuck for me
[14:55] <%Acedia> let alone quantum mechanics
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[14:55] <&@afkmon> I didnt really apply sicence to religious thinking
[14:56] <Pwnemon> what proof is there that your MOM exists
[14:56] <&@afkmon> and that started a really serious downword spiral
[14:56] <Pwnemon> oooooooooooooooooooo
[14:56] <&@afkmon> I then thought "so if there is no afterlife, I wont exist after death"
[14:56] <Pwnemon> so dont die, ez
[14:56] <Irysa> did your upbringing have any specific religion to it
[14:56] <&@afkmon> "I will no longer be able to think about the universe, or follow more discoveries"
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[14:57] <&@afkmon> yes Irysa, but I'll get to that soon, my parents drastically changed their raising of me later
[14:57] <%Acedia> I suppose your issue comes from the thought that death is the end of your whole existence, and not just your life
[14:57] <&@afkmon> anyways, at first, I used to have a strange form of escapism by trolling sunday school
[14:57] <&@afkmon> asking stuff like "if god can do anything, why cant he make a rock so heavy that he cant life it" sort of stuff
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[14:58] <&@afkmon> so I got in trouble there, and my dad figured "nah sunday school probably sucks for you, we're pulling you out"
[14:58] <+DHR> wtf that got you trouble?
[14:58] <&@afkmon> my memory is sorta getting foggy again except for the part where it happened
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[14:58] <Irysa> that's kind of funny because my father's actually a pastor and i had some similar experiences
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[14:59] <&@afkmon> I had been thinking about life and death, and stuff similar to what Im thinking about now every night for a while
[14:59] <Milkis__> [09:58] <afkmon> asking stuff like "if god can do anything, why cant he make a rock so heavy that he cant life it" sort of stuff
[14:59] <Milkis__> you were one of those kids
[14:59] <Milkis__> :(
[14:59] <&@afkmon> but then one night it became way too much for me
[14:59] <Milkis__> sounds like you're pretty afraid of death though
[14:59] <Milkis__> which makes a lot of sense
[14:59] <Milkis__> cause you've had near death experiences
[15:00] <&@afkmon> I realized the futility of life, lack of signfgiance of humanity
[15:00] <&@afkmon> and most of all
[15:00] <&@afkmon> realizing that I would probably never live to see most of my dreams come true
[15:00] <&@afkmon> I fucking snapped
[15:00] <&@afkmon> I become almost 100% unresponsive to the outside world
[15:00] <+DHR> :(
[15:00] <+DHR> afkmon: have you ever had an IQ test?
[15:00] <Milkis__> have you read
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[15:00] <Milkis__> hikaru no go
[15:00] <&@afkmon> "outside" being anything outside my mind
[15:00] <Milkis__> ?
[15:00] <Milkis__> what kind of goals
[15:00] <Milkis__> do you have
[15:00] <&@afkmon> never heard of it
[15:01] <Milkis__> ok read hikaru no go
[15:01] <Milkis__> and pay attention to sai
[15:01] <&@afkmon> tangerine, that may be part of the reason
[15:01] <&@afkmon> my goals are impossible without immortality
[15:01] <Milkis__> like what kind of goals are they
[15:01] <Milkis__> play every mario game that will ever exist?
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[15:02] <&@afkmon> rofl, that would be awesome because I could just imagine what mario games would be after Im dead
[15:02] <&@afkmon> ok this is part of it
[15:02] <&@afkmon> [14:58:09] <&afkmon> 1. I want to gain as much knowledge about the universe as possible
[15:02] <&@afkmon> 10:29 <Irysa> [14:58:45] <&afkmon> 2. I wish for humanity to leave earth behind, and to pass the great filter (the same one from the fermi paradox
[15:02] <Milkis__> :D
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[15:02] <Milkis__> hrmmm
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[15:02] <&@afkmon> one of the impossible goals is to see science's journey "end"
[15:03] <&@afkmon> I realize that is especially crazy considering the nature of science
[15:03] <Milkis__> science's journey will never probably end
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[15:03] <&@afkmon> probably not
[15:03] <Irysa> it will if we all nuke each other
[15:03] <&@afkmon> but what hit me so hard then, and what is sorta hitting me now
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[15:03] <&@afkmon> is that mortality means I will experience an incredbily small fraction of the journey
[15:04] <&@afkmon> I recall one of the things that was making me snap was
[15:04] <&@afkmon> thinking about how fucking gigantic the observable universe is
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[15:04] <&@afkmon> I know now its around... was it 95 billion light years? I dont recall the figure that was given out back in 2000
[15:05] <&@afkmon> but thinking about that made me realize
[15:05] <&@afkmon> just how much I will never know
[15:05] <&@afkmon> how many worlds I will never get to see...
[15:06] <&@afkmon> something that especially hit me hard back then, that doesnt hit me nearly as hard now though
[15:06] <+DHR> We as a human race will never get to see
[15:06] <&@afkmon> was how the expansion of the universe
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[15:06] <Milkis__> heh
[15:06] <Milkis__> well
[15:06] <&@afkmon> means that there are parts of the universe that would be IMPOSSIBLE for us to see even if we were immortal
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[15:06] <Milkis__> ok
[15:06] <Milkis__> read hikaru no go
[15:06] <Milkis__> and pay attention to sai
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[15:06] <Milkis__> that's ltierally the best advice i can give you
[15:06] <&@afkmon> that doesn't hit me as hard now because I can at least say "well that almost doesn't exist even if it does"
[15:06] <Milkis__> given your situation
[15:07] <Milkis__> i think you will resonate with it
[15:07] <Milkis__> a lot
[15:08] <&@afkmon> hmm, I'll certainly do that later
[15:09] <&@afkmon> "Hikaru no Go (ヒカルの碁?, lit. "Hikaru's Go") is a manga series, a coming of age story based on the board game Go written by Yumi Hotta and illustrated by Takeshi Obata with an anime adaptation. The production of the series' Go games was supervised by Go professional Yukari Umezawa (5-dan). The manga is largely responsible for popularizing Go among
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[15:09] <&@afkmon> the youth of Japan since its debut,[1] and in other areas such as China, South Korea, Taiwan and the United States."
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[15:09] <&@afkmon> that sounds interesting to me. one of my old coping mechanicms was
[15:09] <&@afkmon> that totally out there fermi paradox hypothesis
[15:09] <&@afkmon> that part of the reason the milky way has not been colonized by an advanced civization already
[15:09] <&@afkmon> is because they turned to virtual reality
[15:09] <&@afkmon> in a way
[15:09] <&@afkmon> I hoped that life itself was a cruel game
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[15:10] <&@afkmon> oh I forgot to finish that story of what happened 14 years ago...
[15:10] <&@afkmon> I dont really remember too much of what happened but
[15:10] <&@afkmon> my parents told me that
[15:10] <&@afkmon> when they took me to a psychologist
[15:11] <&@afkmon> I was extremely unresponsive to pretty much anything he said
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[15:11] <+biggie> yo tmon
[15:11] <&@afkmon> till he brought up astronomy (I think my parents told him to mention that)
[15:11] <&@afkmon> and apprently I broke down in tears and just blurbed out everything I was thinking of
[15:12] <&@afkmon> and I fucking shocked the hell out of everyone in the room
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[15:12] <Milkis__> lol
[15:13] <Milkis__> didnt shock me
[15:13] <Milkis__> :D
[15:13] <&@afkmon> then, my parents told me to wait in the car, because they had to talk to the psychologist alone
[15:13] <&@afkmon> my dad told me much later that what happened was
[15:14] <&@afkmon> my mom started crying, saying that this is "our fault"
[15:14] <&@afkmon> because they directly encouraged me to absorb as much knowledge as possible, because I loved it, and they figured that having a smart kid is a good thing
[15:14] <&@afkmon> after that incident, they treated me totally differently
[15:15] <&@afkmon> my parents had some odd new rules such as "you cant spend more than 2 hours on homework" or "you must go outside for an hour a day"
[15:15] <Pwnemon> why cant my parents have those rules
[15:15] <Pwnemon> fuckin asshats
[15:15] <&@afkmon> now that I think back to it all
[15:15] <&@afkmon> I guess its sorta strange when my dad would say stuff like
[15:15] <+DHR> afkmon: they were just trying to protect you :(
[15:15] <Irysa> you never went over about what effect religion had on your upbringing
[15:16] <&@afkmon> "son, stop doing homework. go play that new mario game"
[15:16] <&@afkmon> oh yeah
[15:16] <&@afkmon> Irysa: I think the thing that kept me stable was the promise of an after life
[15:16] <&@afkmon> I used to go to church a lot
[15:16] <&@afkmon> most of my family is catholic
[15:16] <&@afkmon> granted my parents weren't... exactly tradtional catholics
[15:17] <Milkis__> i think they just wanted you to have more fun
[15:17] <Milkis__> haha
[15:17] <&@afkmon> (my dad quit the republican party because of the homophobia stuff. one time he scolded me for saying "thats so gay" because apprently when he was a young adult, a friend of his commiited suicide because he was gay)
[15:17] <Milkis__> like sure you find absorbing knowledge fun
[15:17] <&@afkmon> yeah that is what they wanted Tangerine
[15:17] <Milkis__> but that's not how a "normal" kid has fun
[15:18] <&@afkmon> lol this almost reminds me of how
[15:18] <+DHR> Well im not sure thats true Milkis__
[15:18] <&@afkmon> I used to watch nova a lot as a kid
[15:18] <+DHR> I read a lot when I was little too
[15:18] <+DHR> on a lot of similar things to tmon
[15:18] <&@afkmon> and my dad would be like "dont you want to watch cartoons?" after the whole incidint
[15:18] <+DHR> I just never reached the point of a crisis
[15:18] <&@afkmon> I wonder if this is also the reason (combined with the whole asthma thing)
[15:19] <Milkis__> well dhr you're also probably not a normal kid :)
[15:19] <&@afkmon> that my parents used to fucking spoil me rotten with video games at one point
[15:19] <Pwnemon> we're on a pokemon site
[15:19] <Pwnemon> are any of us normal kids
[15:19] <&@afkmon> tangerine, I was always the kid in school who had "all 3 consoles" lol
[15:19] <Pwnemon> i fuckin hated that asshole
[15:19] <Milkis__> lol
[15:19] <Pwnemon> WHY DO YOU NEED A PS2 AND AN XBOX
[15:19] <Pwnemon> __THEY ARE THE SAME SYSTEM__
[15:20] <&@afkmon> I actually didnt have an xbox though but that was my decsion :P
[15:20] <&@afkmon> (I have all 3 consoles now though, thats my parents fault I cant go back)
[15:20] <Pwnemon> lol
[15:20] <&@afkmon> but uhh anyways
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[15:20] <&@afkmon> Irysa: thinking about how there was no proof of an afterlife
[15:20] <&@afkmon> was a major factor in the whole thing
[15:21] <Pwnemon> so tmon if we could summarize your problem here...
[15:21] <Pwnemon> 1) you only find meaning in life in something where it's impossible to achieve perfectino
[15:21] <Pwnemon> 2) youre a perfectionist
[15:21] <&@afkmon> one of the things I blurted out was something like "I cant believe in an afterlife, everything in the bible is outrageous and full of bizzrare, fictional magic"
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[15:21] <&@afkmon> tbh I think my parents actually reacted
[15:21] <&@afkmon> very well to that
[15:22] <Pwnemon> your parents sound like very loving and awesome parents tbh
[15:22] <+DHR> Milkis__: you are not the first person to say that
[15:22] <&@afkmon> they decided to not bring me to church any more (and apprently thought of some bs excuses for the rest of the family)
[15:22] <&@afkmon> and they just
[15:22] <&@afkmon> didnt bring up the topic with me anymore
[15:22] <&@afkmon> because they knew it freaked me out
[15:23] <&@afkmon> yeah Pwnemon, they were. thats probably why their divorce hit me so hard 5 years ago
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[15:23] <&@afkmon> tbh the divorce plus the whole "I am probably going to die soon" thing
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[15:23] <&@afkmon> is what got me to join Smogon
[15:23] <&@afkmon> hmm now that I think about it
[15:23] <&@afkmon> I think joining Smogon was sort of a gut reaction to avoid another similar mental breakdown
[15:24] <&@afkmon> it sure worked for 5 years at least!
[15:24] <Pwnemon> lol
[15:24] <&@afkmon> also yes I am a perfectionist at times
[15:24] <+DHR> Hey man, people on the internet can be surprisingly accepting
[15:24] <&@afkmon> I use to have problems later in school because
[15:25] <Electrolyte> I've found that people on the internet are more accepting than people irl
[15:25] <&@afkmon> I would refuse to turn in assignments because I felt like "they werent ready yet"
[15:25] <&@afkmon> also dhr and Electrolyte: hell yes
[15:25] <Electrolyte> afkmon, I don't think there's anything wrong with being a perfectionist
[15:25] <&@afkmon> I was constantly bullied in elementary school and middle school because of my focus in science
[15:25] <Pwnemon> yeah so i mean that makes there be two ways to solve your problem
[15:25] <&@afkmon> Electrolyte: I took it to a harmful extreme though
[15:25] <Electrolyte> but I also know people that are so obsessed that it gets in the way of their health and ability to do things
[15:25] <Pwnemon> 1) find meaning of life in other things
[15:25] <&@afkmon> I used to do stuff like
[15:26] <Electrolyte> ah so you're extreme
[15:26] <Pwnemon> 2) accept imperfection and embrace it
[15:26] <&@afkmon> lol I told this story a while back but
[15:26] <&@afkmon> in 6th grade we had to do a horror story for enligsh class
[15:26] <&@afkmon> (by while back I mean 2 weeks ago)
[15:27] <&@afkmon> I did this crazy fucking story that involved near light speed travel and the extinction of the human race because of an alien race that dramtically misunderstood us
[15:27] <&@afkmon> and then at the last minute I realized
[15:27] <&@afkmon> "oh fuck I forgot to explain why this alien race didn't colonize the milky way"
[15:27] <&@afkmon> so I almost threw my god damn story in the garbage in front of my teacher
[15:28] <&@afkmon> so he grabbed it and was like "why arent you turning this in
[15:28] <&@afkmon> I explained it while he was reading it and he was like "whatever heres your A+"
[15:28] <+biggie> Mocirano a shit
[15:29] <&@afkmon> also Pwnemon I think the problem with 2 might be to me
[15:29] <&@afkmon> death is the ultimate imperfection so to speak
[15:29] <%Mocirano> wow where did that come from
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[15:29] <&@afkmon> there is no getting around death
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[15:29] <Pwnemon> isnt your problem more that death comes before you do all you want to do
[15:29] <%Mocirano> https://scontent-b-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/t1.0-9/10172655_1520021808224472_581376410_n.jpg
[15:29] <%Mocirano> biggie
[15:29] <%Mocirano> rate and guess age
[15:30] <Pwnemon> her face is bad af
[15:30] <Pwnemon> 5/10, 19
[15:30] <&@afkmon> yeah exactly pwnemon
[15:30] <&@afkmon> see when I was little, I was totally ok with that
[15:30] <&@afkmon> because I figured
[15:31] <&@afkmon> with the afterlife, I'd still learn everything SOME how
[15:31] <&@afkmon> with that illusion shattered, it sent me through a downward sprial I never really recovered from
[15:31] <Electrolyte> this is so deep
[15:31] <Electrolyte> I was brought up as a christian but
[15:32] <Electrolyte> sometimes i still entertain the idea that heaven might just be something different
[15:32] <Pwnemon> yeah tmon i think theres a point in everyones life when they have to come to grips with a thought like that
[15:32] <&@afkmon> I may be an atheist (or agonistic, I dont really like thinking about that kind of stuff), but very few people would be delighted to learn of an existance of an after life than me
[15:33] <&@afkmon> tbh this effected me in some other ways too
[15:33] <&@afkmon> for example every since then
[15:33] <&@afkmon> I actually feel really bad when I say, squash a bug
[15:33] <&@afkmon> because it makes me think "i just eradicated a living thing's existance"
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[15:33] <Electrolyte> that's an interesting thought
[15:33] <&@afkmon> it also gave me a really strong hate of war
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[15:34] <Electrolyte> but, by bringing up the example, are you implying that you'd want an afterlife for animals too?
[15:34] <&@afkmon> yeah totally
[15:34] <Electrolyte> I wouldn't be against it, I just never thought of it that way
[15:34] <&@afkmon> I will probably be extrememly sad when my dog and cat pass away
[15:35] <%Mocirano> who wouldnt?
[15:35] <&@afkmon> man this reminds me of the time in 6th grade
[15:35] <&@afkmon> in global studies we had to do this thing called a power point on world issues
[15:35] <&@afkmon> and I chose the "choose your own topic"
[15:35] <&@afkmon> so I chose human trafficking
[15:35] <&@afkmon> and horrified the entire class
[15:35] <Pwnemon> lol
[15:35] <Electrolyte> lol
[15:36] <&@afkmon> with 100 power point slides of pure misery
[15:36] <Electrolyte> that's intense for a 6th grade class
[15:36] <&@afkmon> Electrolyte: some kids had to leave the class room
[15:36] <&@afkmon> one screamed because the final slide
[15:36] <&@afkmon> was about huaman trafficking in the united states
[15:36] <Electrolyte> D:
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[15:36] <cAsSiUsYt> did you get a good grade at least
[15:36] <Electrolyte> lol
[15:36] <&@afkmon> yeah
[15:36] <&@afkmon> I did
[15:36] <Electrolyte> wow nice
[15:36] <&@afkmon> to be fair
[15:37] <&@afkmon> I showed the teacher the power point in advanvce
[15:37] <Electrolyte> my 6th grade health class could not even handle the word "herpes"
[15:37] <&@afkmon> so he told the class room
[15:37] <%Mocirano> how old are 6th graders
[15:37] <&@afkmon> "this report covers a very serious and disturbing issue, those of you who have weak hearts are allowed to stay outside the classroom"
[15:37] <cAsSiUsYt> 11 i think
[15:37] <&@afkmon> wait fuck sorry this was 9th grade rofl
[15:37] <Electrolyte> 11->12
[15:37] <Electrolyte> OH
[15:37] <Electrolyte> ok lol that makes a difference
[15:37] <Pwnemon> lol one time in sixth grade i passed out in class
[15:37] <Pwnemon> because they had a video of a guy who got throat cancer
[15:38] <Pwnemon> so he had an open hole in his throat with a flap of gauze over it
[15:38] <&@afkmon> rofl Im crazy but even I didnt really grasp human trafficking when I was 11
[15:38] <Pwnemon> and he was like 'sometimes bugs fly in there"
[15:38] <&@afkmon> oh I did some some crazy shit in 5th grade though
[15:39] <Electrolyte> awwwgh
[15:39] <&@afkmon> I annoyed the science teacher cuz I wanted to talk about quarks and gluons
[15:39] <&@afkmon> and I wrote this one story
[15:39] <&@afkmon> that got a call to my parents cuz the main character commited suiciude
[15:39] <&@afkmon> lol I think I told this channel the contents of that story, it went something like
[15:39] <Electrolyte> wow
[15:39] <Electrolyte> that escalated quickly
[15:39] <Electrolyte> 5th grade science story about quarks and gluons and suicide
[15:39] <Electrolyte> that is a story I want to read
[15:39] <&@afkmon> it was called "pod people"
[15:40] <Pwnemon> my parents got a call from the school one time when i was in kindergarten
[15:40] <&@afkmon> ok lol I can tell you about the story I wrote, Im gonna keep it short though
[15:40] <Pwnemon> because we had to sing this song that was like "hooray for kindergarten" but i fucking hated kindergarten
[15:40] <Pwnemon> so instead i sang "hooray for butt-garten"
[15:40] <&@afkmon> apprently people itc last time were shocked I wrote it in 5th grade or something >_>
[15:40] <Electrolyte> dude kindergarten was the worst
[15:40] <&@afkmon> anyways, I wrote this story called pod people, and it was heavily inspired by the fermi paradox
[15:40] <Electrolyte> I took scissors and gave my friend a haircut
[15:40] <Electrolyte> and my teacher actually got mad
[15:40] <Electrolyte> like wtf free service ??
[15:40] <+DHR> Mocirano: would wreck
[15:41] <&@afkmon> so in this story
[15:41] <&@afkmon> this kid finds this weird, crashed ufo like thing in the forest
[15:42] <&@afkmon> he opens it up
[15:42] <&@afkmon> and he finds a dead, alien thing
[15:42] <&@afkmon> he burries it
[15:42] <&@afkmon> goes into the ship
[15:42] <&@afkmon> and this wire thing latches onto his head
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[15:43] <&@afkmon> and then, he finds himself in a TOTALLY different world than earth
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[15:43] <Electrolyte> this is the quarks / gluons / suicide story right? lol
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[15:43] <&@afkmon> a more... peaceful looking place, a place that was almost like the perfect combonatiojn of technology and nature
[15:43] <&@afkmon> Electrolyte: sorta, the quarks / gluon thing was an amusing ancedote, this is about the suicide story
[15:43] <Electrolyte> ah
[15:44] <&@afkmon> so anyways, the kid looks at his hands and makes a startling discovery
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[15:44] <&@afkmon> he now looks like one of the aliens
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[15:45] <&@afkmon> I dont remember what he did in this part besides
[15:45] <&@afkmon> talking to aliens, trying to learn their culture, etc
[15:45] <&@afkmon> he finds out where his "home" is
[15:46] <&@afkmon> oh yeah btw throghut this part, the other aliens are like "wtf how do you not know this stuff"
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[15:46] <&@afkmon> anyways, he talks to his "family", and explains what happens
[15:46] <&@afkmon> and the family is fucking horrified
[15:46] <&@afkmon> and one of the alien kids is like "YOU KILLED DADDY"
[15:46] <&@afkmon> as it turns out
[15:46] <&@afkmon> that "alien" was NOT dead
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[15:46] Nick change: Aaron|Away -> Aaron
[15:46] <&@afkmon> this species is so advanved
[15:47] <&@afkmon> that they life in these virtual reality pods that search for raw material to keep them going
[15:47] <&@afkmon> because real life is far too cruel
[15:47] <&@afkmon> the kid accidently murdered the alien
[15:47] <&@afkmon> in the civialization that has not experienved murder in eons
[15:47] <&@afkmon> by eons I mean think... thousands to millions of years
[15:47] <&@afkmon> this throws the alien society in complete disaray
[15:47] <&@afkmon> they have NO coping mechanisms for death
[15:48] <&@afkmon> there is no "justice system"
[15:48] <&@afkmon> because this civialization essecitaly lived in a utopia
[15:48] <&@afkmon> some aliens even go as far as detaching themselsves from their pods (I think I implied that this would kill them)
[15:48] <&@afkmon> so in the end
[15:48] <&@afkmon> the kid detattches himself
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[15:49] <&@afkmon> writes a note, and then hangs himself
[15:49] <Electrolyte> @.@
[15:49] <&@afkmon> comitting suicide because
[15:49] <&@afkmon> he was so horrified that he just doomed an entire civialization
[15:49] <&@afkmon> over just one mistake
[15:49] <&@afkmon> yeah that got a call to my parents lol
[15:50] <Pwnemon> lol
[15:50] <Electrolyte> wait but
[15:50] <Electrolyte> he didn't kill the alien
[15:50] <Electrolyte> it died from the ufo crash
[15:50] <Pwnemon> it wasnt dead
[15:50] <Pwnemon> till he detached its pod
[15:50] <Pwnemon> and put it on
[15:51] <Pwnemon> pls
[15:51] <Milkis__> lollol tmon
[15:51] <&@afkmon> oh sorry I might have forgot to explain that part
[15:51] <Milkis__> yeah, i think you think about death a lot
[15:51] <&@afkmon> yeah the kid killed the alien when he detached it / burried it. it was ONE of those things
[15:51] <Milkis__> and scared of it
[15:51] <Milkis__> :p
[15:52] <&@afkmon> yes I am
[15:52] <&@afkmon> I didnt even write the story because of death consciously though
[15:52] Nick change: Fagtron -> Fagtroff
[15:52] <&@afkmon> I wrote it because
[15:52] <&@afkmon> I dont really like writing fiction and I decided the only way to make it fun was to involve the fermi paradox somehow
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[15:52] <&@afkmon> and I was thinking "oh man that vr hypothesis is so nuts, how could one kid fuck that all up"
[15:53] <Electrolyte> that actually
[15:53] <Electrolyte> sounds like a REALLY great story
[15:53] <Electrolyte> like
[15:53] <Electrolyte> I would watch a movie of that
[15:53] <Pwnemon> yeah honestly
[15:53] <Pwnemon> lol
[15:53] <Pwnemon> that could totally be a movie
[15:54] <&@afkmon> I dunno it was probably like 6 pages hand written or so
[15:54] <&@afkmon> I am very bad with longform fictional content
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[15:54] <&@afkmon> I could never see myself writing a book about any kind of fiction
[15:54] <Pwnemon> yeah but if someone else adapted it
[15:54] <Infinity> It could have daily life in it.
[15:54] <Infinity> World building.
[15:54] <&@afkmon> I would never enjoy creating a massive world, I much prefer creating small vauge worlds to explore an idea
[15:55] <Infinity> Then introduce that part of the story.
[15:55] <&@afkmon> hmm...
[15:55] <&@afkmon> I somewhat had this feeling before but
[15:55] <&@afkmon> I wonder
[15:55] <&@afkmon> if taking up writing short stories could somewhat help stave off this impending doom feeling I usually have
[15:56] <&@afkmon> I'd like to note that the things Im feeling atm
[15:56] <&@afkmon> I have been thinking of for 14 years straight
[15:56] <&@afkmon> I just used various forms of escapism to avoid losing my sanity
[15:56] <&@afkmon> (smogon, partculary Ubers, being one of them)
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[15:56] <Infinity> Try thinknig about...
[15:56] <Infinity> Your legacy.
[15:57] <Infinity> That makes some people really never die in theory.
[15:57] <&@afkmon> oh no ifiniy that doesnt work with me
[15:57] <&@afkmon> due to several factors such as
[15:57] <&@afkmon> how atm I really doubt humanity will live long enough to leave the planet
[15:57] <&@afkmon> thus there will be no legacy left when the sun becomes a red giant
[15:57] <&@afkmon> and either fries the planet or engulfs it
[15:58] <Milkis__> there'll be nothing left when the universe ends
[15:58] <Milkis__> so?
[15:58] <&@afkmon> ok tangerine I will admit, I have ONE small hope about that
[15:58] <&@afkmon> its small buuuut
[15:58] <Electrolyte> people with religion have it easy, afkmon
[15:58] <&@afkmon> I DID read a lot about the end of the universe tangerine
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[15:58] <&@afkmon> and I got the disticnt impression that
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[15:58] <&@afkmon> we really dont know wtf is up with that
[15:58] <Milkis__> lol
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[15:59] <Milkis__> i dunno
[15:59] <Electrolyte> we barely understand the beginning
[15:59] <Milkis__> i think instead of clinging to hopes
[15:59] <Infinity> Just blame Stealth Rock.
[15:59] <ProClifo> hi
[15:59] <Milkis__> you just need to make peace with it
[15:59] <&@afkmon> like I recall us knowing only a bit more about the end of the universe than the fermi paradox
[16:00] <&@afkmon> I will admit though
[16:00] <&@afkmon> heat death is scary as fuck
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[16:01] <&@afkmon> also you guys know how
[16:01] <&@afkmon> I like to joke about becoming a cyborg?
[16:01] <&@afkmon> there is truth to that. as much as I hate mortality
[16:01] <&@afkmon> I ESPECIALLY HATE
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[16:01] <&@afkmon> how small the human lifespan is
[16:02] <@Limi> i keep reading morality
[16:02] <&@afkmon> 70-100ish years freaking sucks
[16:02] <Pwnemon> yeah i think the goal is really
[16:03] <Pwnemon> to find happiness in "pointless" things
[16:03] <Pwnemon> because if you want to get existential enough, there is really nothing ever that would have a "point"
[16:03] <Pwnemon> even if we managed to outlive ou rplanet
[16:03] <&@afkmon> yeah, part of the problem is that it stopped working
[16:04] <Electrolyte> I in particular don't really care much for the end of the world
[16:04] <Electrolyte> but I do admit
[16:04] <Electrolyte> a wall-e kind of spaceship would be terrific
[16:04] <&@afkmon> Im gonna admit this is part of the reason why I dont just hop on PS and go crazy with weird Uber teams, and instead try to plan teams out. I was hoping planing teams more througotly (thats somthing I never did in gens 4-5 lol) would bring that spark back
[16:04] <&@afkmon> it hasnt for either Ubers or Battlespot
[16:04] Nick change: Mocirano -> MOCIRANO
[16:04] <&@afkmon> this is gonna sound dumb as all fuck but
[16:04] <&@afkmon> today when i couldnt even enjoy MARIO
[16:05] <&@afkmon> I knew something had gone seriously wrong =/
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[16:05] <&@afkmon> Electrolyte: what I always wanted was that ship from cosmos
[16:05] <&@afkmon> I fucking wish that existed
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[16:07] <&@afkmon> you know Tangerine the more I think about it
[16:07] <&@afkmon> the more that I think your life about the whole near death experience defining me
[16:08] <&@afkmon> if that never happened, god who knows what I'd be like
[16:08] <&@afkmon> maybe I'd be one of those weirdos who are really smart but INSIST on intelligent design in the science classroom :P
[16:08] <&@afkmon> or maybe I would have had a breakdown at a different time I dunno
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[16:10] <&@afkmon> ok
[16:10] <&@afkmon> I wanna thank you guys
[16:11] <&@afkmon> I'm still in a very very bad place, but I dont think Im gonna have a mental breakdown today at least
[16:11] <&@afkmon> Im probably just gone be really quiet today, you all gave me a lot to think about!
For those of you who don't want to read all of a massive IRC log, here is the gist of it.
When I was 8 years old, due to a near death experience, I actually read the bible, thought "wow these are basically just fairy tales, most of this stuff could not possibly be based on 100% reality". Because of losing faith in the afterlife, I eventually had a serious mental breakdown, and my life was never the same after that.
Due to my grandmother almost dying (she thankfully seems to have gotten better though), and plenty of other serious stuff that's happened over this year, I started thinking about life, death, the ultimate fate of humanity, and even the fate of the universe. All of these except for the last one are VERY dangerous lines of thought for me, as they deal with my greatest fears. Lately, I've been getting to a state that is somewhat close to when I had a mental breakdown at age 8, and I'm trying to avoid such a thing. Here are a few of the things that are torturing me, that I've been trying to escape for years (hell, one of the reasons I joined Smogon was to escape these personal demons!)
1. Ceasing to "exist" after death. This is EXTREMELY scary to me. The things that make life worth living to me are being able to think (especially about the universe on a grand scale or an extremely tiny scale), and discovering more about how the universe works. Sure, I may not technically "care" after I'm dead, since I won't exist anymore, but just the mere thought of never being able to think again fills me with an intense sense of dread every day.
2. I feel like the average lifespan of a human being is far too short for me to see the things I most desire in life. For example, due to the size of the universe, exploration of the galaxy is totally unfeasible in a human lifetime. I mean, as far as we currently know, the observerable universe has a diameter of around 92-96 BILLION Light years. On a slightly depressing note, due to the rate of the universe's expansion (which is accelerating), it'd be impossible to entirely explore the universe even if one was immortal. Still, There are things closer to home that likely won't happen in my lifetime either, such as contact with an alien civilization, colonizing the solar system, etc. Hell, I even wonder if stuff like a quantum theory of gravity will be established in my lifetime...
3. This one might be sorta silly, I fear that humanity will never become a space faring species. We have enough anti science problems on our planet currently, with stuff like climate deniers, NASA's massive budget cuts, etc. In a way, I feel like we as a species will never even TRY to leave the planet, and may end up destroying ourselves before we get to that point. In a way, I guess I fear that we may fall into the fermi paradox hypothesis that civilizations end up destroying each other before they start exploring their galaxy, and I'm not sure if there is much I can do about that.
There is a lot of other fears related to this existential crisis I can probably talk about later, but currently can not articulate clearly. I may talk about these fears as discussion goes on and helps me put them into words more clearly. I apologise that this thread focuses on mostly myself, but again, I am using this thread as a coping mechanism.
So I'm wondering people… how do you think I can cope with this? Is there anyone else here that can relate to my existential crisis? I need to find a way to cope with this soon, because if I don't, I'll never be able to pull myself together to pursue a career in Science that I desire so much (or anything else really), as this existential crisis has crippled me mentally.
Oh, one last thing I want to note: PLEASE DO NOT DERAIL THIS THREAD WITH POLITICS AND RELIGION DEBATE. Again, sorta selfish, but that kind of stuff won't help mentally, and isn't really the goal of this thread.
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