I can relate to you to an extent. I have no idea wtf I am doing in my life.
man, the last time I've hung out with someone was the day school ended last year, and that was basically her inviting me to her house and then we really didn't do anything for 3 hours and just fell asleep then I left in the morning.
only one person talks to me with any sort of frequency and frankly I think that's out of boredom. for as much as my parents would deny it I honestly think that not even they would notice any difference in their life if I were to cease existing - maybe they'd be a bit sad though but they're the only ones I think.
All right, try to make some friends. Really. Don;t ask me how Im not good at it either, but at least I have some.
everything in my life feels empty and without any reason behind it. I play guitar and am kinda decent I guess, but that's not because I enjoy it. it's a drag to practice, I hate playing in front of people... I don't even know why I do it. I guess to say I don't entirely waste my life. I get really good grades in school but they're not the best... I get straight 99%s but I'm always in the shadow of the people who get straight hundreds, or my 4.66 GPA takes a total back seat to the people who are in 6 classes that offer AP and have a 5.0. at this point my grades feel like a standard rather than something anyone actually cares about me doing - my parents ask me what's wrong if I have a 96 in a course.
I play the violin, but i never practice and violin classes are boring. I don't mind playing in front of people, but am not particularly fond of it (I do it mostly to be able to say I can play the violin tbh). When I lived in the US I was always recognized for my good grades, but after skipping a grade and moving to India, no one really recognized me for that. I didn't know anything in class, so i couldn't even look smart. No one still appreciates my intelligence, because while I still get top grades, people think about the other people who try to act smart in class AND get good grades. People say I'm stupid and that they are better, even though I beat them in every test. My parents, on the other hand, are like most Indian parents, telling me that whatever grade I get isn't good enough and that I shouldn't compare myself to the rest of my class, etc.
I don't even know what to do. I have no clue why I am even lifting weights at this point. no matter how strong I get I'll always be miserable with all of the fat on me. I'm doing nothing that makes weight lifting relevant to sports performance. fuck, the one thing I enjoy doing - competitive golf - has turned into a miserable activity for me because instead of it being fun I have no mindset except getting to the top of the professional ranks and there's not a soul alive including me who believes I can do it.
I lift weights too, and I can actually see the difference it makes. All right , you are fat. So? Being heavy but strong, thats good for a lineman in Football, right? No one would call me thin (but no one would call me fat). I play basketball, and am a starter on the varsity team in 10th grade. I should be happy, but no one respects my talent. It usually means I am stuck being on the same team as the worst players in he class against the batch of semi-decent people, and am forced to pass to them to make them feel good, let them fail miserably at both offense and defense and let the other team get a 10 point lead, start scoring every possession on my own, then put up with the bad players complaints that I don't pass the ball. Its annoying, since everyone always gangs up against me when playing and If anyone but my team wins it gets rubbed into my face for the rest of the year, regardless of how many times I beat them. However, the difference between me and you is I like basketball. Its my refuge. When I get annoyed, mad, sad, anything, I can just go to the court and shoot. If someone else is there, play against them. It makes me feel good. Always. Its the one thing I am never sick of. However I am no where near good enough to be playing college ball (yet), which means I can't stick with Basketballl for the rest of my life as a profession, but thats the only thing that interests me.
I don't even know why I do anything. there's nothing I want to do any more. there's nothing I enjoy doing. my life feels like a bottomless pit of loneliness and worthlessness. I can't sleep, I can't enjoy music... and what else is there for me?
Ok, what do you enjoy doing? if the answer is nothing, try stuff out. Don't be content with this, see if you can find something you can do and like. stick with it. keep trying, you'll find something.