'cause I really feel a need to open up man, the last time I've hung out with someone was the day school ended last year, and that was basically her inviting me to her house and then we really didn't do anything for 3 hours and just fell asleep then I left in the morning. only one person talks to me with any sort of frequency and frankly I think that's out of boredom. for as much as my parents would deny it I honestly think that not even they would notice any difference in their life if I were to cease existing - maybe they'd be a bit sad though but they're the only ones I think. everything in my life feels empty and without any reason behind it. I play guitar and am kinda decent I guess, but that's not because I enjoy it. it's a drag to practice, I hate playing in front of people... I don't even know why I do it. I guess to say I don't entirely waste my life. I get really good grades in school but they're not the best... I get straight 99%s but I'm always in the shadow of the people who get straight hundreds, or my 4.66 GPA takes a total back seat to the people who are in 6 classes that offer AP and have a 5.0. at this point my grades feel like a standard rather than something anyone actually cares about me doing - my parents ask me what's wrong if I have a 96 in a course. I don't even know what to do. I have no clue why I am even lifting weights at this point. no matter how strong I get I'll always be miserable with all of the fat on me. I'm doing nothing that makes weight lifting relevant to sports performance. fuck, the one thing I enjoy doing - competitive golf - has turned into a miserable activity for me because instead of it being fun I have no mindset except getting to the top of the professional ranks and there's not a soul alive including me who believes I can do it. I don't even know why I do anything. there's nothing I want to do any more. there's nothing I enjoy doing. my life feels like a bottomless pit of loneliness and worthlessness. I can't sleep, I can't enjoy music... and what else is there for me? fuck guys I don't know what to do any more.