How have your past girlfriend/boyfriend relationships been?

[Fishy]

I don't understand it at all, she loves me and acts like she's my girlfriend yet she doesn't want to be my girlfriend.

This really reminds me of my ex boyfriend, Dominic. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but towards the end of our relationship (the third, FINAL break-up) he still wanted to be with me, but in public, he wouldn't even show that we were still somewhat together. In a group of friends he wouldn't want to be seen with his arm around me, but when we were alone in his room he'd ask me to have sex. Yeah I ended that shit right there and then, I couldn't believe his audacity.

Point is, although your case seems far less severe and the gender roles are switched, perhaps in Lindsey's mind, she can see you more often since you're just a friend, and not like, the "social desegregated" boyfriend? What I mean by that is like, she doesn't have to think about you as THE BOYFRIEND outside of her circle of friends, and perhaps her parents will think the same way. If she says she still loves you, it may not be entirely that she's worried about you not committing to her (although she could be a little bitter about you mainly breaking up with her for things that were mostly out of her control), but that really isn't a huge issue to squabble over for too long. Honestly, if you two are acting as if you're still dating, and at least stay exclusive with one another in those regards, I wouldn't necessarily (for now!) complain about how she doesn't want to be "your girlfriend."

I think that you're more worried about the label itself, so that your relationship bears some sort of seal of legitimacy. Although I'm not telling you to just backseat this whole issue, enjoy the time you can share with her now, doing the things you can do with her. However, if it goes on for a while without her talking/making any effort to say that she'd like to be your girlfriend because she indeed loves you, I'd say put your foot down. Labels aren't everything, but you don't need a label for everyone else. You don't even need it if can just be discussed/understood that you two love each other, and don't want anyone else in the way that you want each other. Sigh, I dunno. GIRLS ARE FICKLE THINGS, but if you feel the need to, just tell her that you can either be just friends, or a pair of people in romantic love. She can't have her cake and eat it too! (as in acting as if she's in a relationship with you but not willing to believe that she is)

 

[mtr]

God, did he even sound like he was worried about getting fucked? mtr, I really don't understand why you think all relationships automatically need to revolve around sexual relations.

Don't kid yourself Fishy, sexuality is an important part of human relationships. Not all of it, but a substantial part nonetheless.

Regarding Obsessed's post: well, you can't love someone in the technical sense of the word without spending quality time with them, so he had to be infatuated with this interest of his, and infatuation is ALWAYS based on lust.

He seemed quite adamant that there was a 0% chance, and the only way that's true is if the person has a different sexual orientation, so I assumed that's what he meant.

 

[BigPDaMonsta]

you can't love someone in the technical sense of the word

what the hell does this mean?!

 

[mtr]

what the hell does this mean?!

Ok, stay with me here. People say things like "I love you/her/Shoddy Battle" all the time without meaning it. I mean, you can say that you're in love with the girl you stare at in Bio, but that isn't really love, that's just lust. In the technical sense of the word, love is something that goes deeper than "Hollywood love", or lust.

 

[MrIndigo]

Ok, stay with me here. People say things like "I love you/her/Shoddy Battle" all the time without meaning it. I mean, you can say that you're in love with the girl you stare at in Bio, but that isn't really love, that's just lust. In the technical sense of the word, love is something that goes deeper than "Hollywood love", or lust.

I'm with you on this, but not that you can't love someone in the technical sense of the word (which is what you said above, and appears to be contradicted by what you say here).

 

[Rocket Grunt]

"
The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear.

"

-Stephen King (The Body)​

 

[BigPDaMonsta]

"
The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear.

"

-Stephen King (The Body)​

<3

 

[Obsessed]

Regarding Obsessed's post: well, you can't love someone in the technical sense of the word without spending quality time with them, so he had to be infatuated with this interest of his, and infatuation is ALWAYS based on lust.

He seemed quite adamant that there was a 0% chance, and the only way that's true is if the person has a different sexual orientation, so I assumed that's what he meant.

I didn't spend quality time with him, but I have observed his behavior (it is not as creepy as it sounds). The guy has an amazing personality. Smart, funny, sensitive, confident, charismatic, carefree, and on top of that he is also an atheist like me. Him being tall, handsome, tan, and muscular is simply a bonus. So yeah, it is part infatuation, but also something more.

I'd also like to say that the "tap on shoulder, nod to the bathroom" scene is not something I'd ever be into.

Anyway Ive managed to accept the fact that I have no chance with him. It sucks, but there's nothing I can do about it. As Dromiceiomimus said, I just had to deal with it.

 

[Fishy]

There are many lovely people in the world, but it's better to look forward to those you can discover more about than long for those you wish you had a chance to do so with!

 

[Rocket Grunt]

this might sound stupid, but is there anyone who does not like to refer to old girlfriends and boyfriends as exes?
ever since ive heard the term ive hated it
even if it was a rocky breakup, even if you'll never see or speak to this person again
even if you want to cross them out of your life forever
there was a time that you cared about them, and i hope that they cared for you the same way
and it sounds sad to think that these feelings never existed
i just think that the word ex sounds so dismissive and lonely

 

[TaiCrunch]

usually it's the easiest thing to say, but what do you call them?

 

[Rocket Grunt]

i just say my old girlfriend, or she and i used to go out

i'm sorry if it sounds finicky or dramatic or weird
i just believe somewhere deep in your heart its possible to dredge up the feelings you once had

fuck it i dont know

 

[TaiCrunch]

nah that's actually some pretty good reasoning rocket grunt.

i won't get into any stories since some of them are pretty long and just piss me off, but the majority of my relationships have always ended in disaster. i tend to either attract crazies or attention whores that expect me to give up my self-respect to make them happy, or i end up just having really really bad timing.

that said, recently i met this girl who is just incredible. she's smart, funny, beautiful inside and out, really sweet, super laid-back, she totally gets me, doesn't expect the world from me but appreciates when i try, and makes me want to do all the sweet romantic stuff i normally wouldn't do for other women out of fear of being screwed over later. basically she's perfect.

but the thing is (haha of course there's a catch, that's why i'm posting here), there's kids involved. she had one back in high school who's like 5 now. and she's five months pregnant with another one from her recent "exes"/old boyfriends/guys she used to go out with. :p the first kid is cool, she and his dad have long since worked things out. but the one she's pregnant with now has a different father, and i really don't want to possibly be caught in the middle of some baby daddy drama. but i'm thinking maybe it's worth it for the sake having something perfect with her. anyone have any input?

 

[Rocket Grunt]

i think its really brave of her to be having a second baby, especially after the situation with the first one. if you are brave too, i think that it'll be no problem as long as you two can see the relationship lasting. i still think the concept of having children is really scary, and i know that if i had ever gotten a girl pregnant i would always be there for them, whether or not the mother and i were on good terms. i'd be fucking mrs. doubtfire if i had to, because i think when it gets down to it you can be in and out of someone's life like the seasons change, but if you wind up creating another life, that's a little piece of you and little piece of them and if i were that child i would want to grow up knowing that my father and mother cared about me even if they could not be around one another.

sorry haha, im digressing. i guess what i'm traying to say is that as long as there's a will, there's a way.
good luck buddy.

 

[TaiCrunch]

the one she's having now wasn't exactly planned either, but i see what you're saying. that's pretty much the only answer i wanted to hear, it's just more motivating to see someone else think the same way. thanks man.

 

[ivar]

taicrunch it might be a rewarding experience but i only seeing it ending up in abject misery. that's a lot of baggage. a child or even several is more manageable but a pregnancy from a recent ex bf is an invitation to trouble. obviously it's impossible to predict the future, and i barely know the context of the situation, but at the least i can say it is not an ideal setting for a romantic relationship. even assuming an ideal setting most relationships end up as one to two month footnotes in you life... so the question is... is the risk of having your life worsened worthwhile, especially for something that is probably not going to end up as rewarding and loving long term companionship?

i doubt anything anyone has to say on smogon will make up your mind but you did ask for input so here it is!

 

[Fishy]

there's a fine line between realism and pessimism, but you could at least try to not totally submit to the latter

anyway, TaiCrunch, the fact that you're even considering staying with this girl knowing that she's 5 months pregnant (and so noticeably pregnant!) is pretty just, wow. it makes me like you a lot, both from just a person-stand point and a woman one, I guess. i doubt many (especially) young women are confident in their ability to be in any type of dating scene when they're carrying the child of a past boyfriend, and like rg said, it would be very brave of you indeed to stay with her.

sure, ivar has "made points" about the repercussions of being with a girl who will be having a child in 4 months time, especially her second child, but like, goddamn. also i'm assuming you and the girl are in your like, early-middle twenties, judging by the high school/now five year old child? so ivar, i think you can lay off a little as far as considering the children "baggage"; they're emotionally mature and I'm sure TaiCrunch has no naive beliefs about raising children, if it eventually came down to that from your staying with her up to that time, and past!

so OKAY, when it comes down to it, you should ultimately choose to stay with this girl because of who SHE is, as a person, and not just as a mother already. although you can hardly ignore the fact that she IS a mother, and already has a child of five. but you said you like the kid; cool! whatever, who knows if you have younger siblings/nieces/nephews, you seem to be A-OK with the situation.

DEVIL'S ADVOCATE: so yeah, babydaddymamalamajama drama, i guess if things get too stressful in that department, she can (at least somewhat) understand why you may not want to continue things with her? either way, I think you should give it a shot! it'd be wrong to avoid pursuing anything with her because she's already got a child/pregnant with her second, and if things don't turn out well, i hope that you won't regret deciding to stay with her anyway, and can cherish a sure to be memorable and educating experience! (if she won't be, imagine how impressed your wife will be with your child rearing skills????)

 

[Rocket Grunt]

also remember to strap your shit
just in case

seriously

 

[ivar]

children are baggage and very heavy baggage, especially if they aren't your own. regardless of maturity it is a difficult thing to prepare for, especially when it is thrust upon you unexpectedly, especially at mid-twenties (if even... 5 years out of high school is early twenties). having children can be a rewarding experience despite the baggage, but it must be well-thought out. kinda liking the kid just isn't enough: you have to be a father figure. that's a lot of responsibility.

im not saying don't go for it necessarily but you've got to be diligent. taking risks is good but only if they are smart risks. if this girl is really special i say go for it, but just because she is agreeable (have things in common) does not make her the love of your life per say. it has to be a carefully thought out decision, and it is my personal diagnosis that it does not turn out well, but taicrunch's diagnosis can be very different, and that's good as long as it is well thought out.

and my pessimism is not unwarranted. most relationships do not result in love or marriage or anything significantly long term, even if you seem to have a lot in common initially. for the most part, we pursue relationships because the benefits (sexual satisfaction, potential for deeper satisfaction) outweighs the risk (emotional pain, short and unfulfilling romance). but in this scenario the risk seems to outweigh the benefit. so many things can go wrong that can be very emotional damaging not just to taicrunch, but her, the kids, and those daddies. im pessimistic because the probabilities edge toward a tragic outcome.

but if you really think this girl is something else then go for it. i don't know how you feel or know the girl myself so i can't really say but you do have some soul searching to do i think. although based on your post you seem to just think she is pretty ideal rather than "oh wow i am in love".

 

[TaiCrunch]

yeah i mean, the kid thing itself really isn't a big deal. i live in a military town so a huge majority of women my age (early twenties) are pregnant or have had children. kids don't scare me, in fact i work with them during the summer teaching swim lessons and being a lifeguard.

ivar, no your pessimism isn't unwarranted at all, normally i'm incredibly cynical about the thought of a relationship, but in the couple months we've known each other this girl hasn't ever made me really doubt anything like that, which is a feat in itself. the only thing that worries me is this pregnancy: the guy has pretty much already forgotten about her and presumably doesn't care too much about the kid. so i just don't want to feel like i'll be responsible for raising her (that's not to say i won't be there for her, i think every child needs a male role model), but i'm pretty sure that won't happen since she has family in town and all that. mainly i'm worried about the guy just randomly showing up again and her deciding she wants to be with him because of the baby.

but ignoring that, which is the only issue, yes i want to be with her because of who she is. we make each other happy just by being ourselves. at first i thought maybe i'm thinking too much with my heart, but after reading your response fishy, maybe that's not a bad thing. so thanks guys, i'm going for it. we have a date saturday night. :D

lol rocket grunt, double wrap tap!

 

[Rocket Grunt]

my heart has fucking broken and i dont know what to do

i really needed to talk to someone today and i couldnt find anyone

 

[TaiCrunch]

smogon is here for you rg :[

 

[mtr]

smogon is here for you rg :[

Be careful about saying that, if you say what you're thinking about in #smogon, you'll have the shit flamed out of you.

I'd advise talking to someone here in private, messaging someone you already know on #smogon, most people here are willing to listen and give you advice if you're in trouble.

 

[TaiCrunch]

but isn't #smogon a bit different than the context of this thread?