RPSI Round 1 - 9 short stories by yours truly.
Juan, the illegal immigrant from Cuba, had a master plan. He would cross the border from Mexico (all foreigners are the same, so no whining about Cuba and Mexico not being the same) by...train! Hidden in a wagon full of missile launchers, weapons of mass destruction and blood thirsty mercenaries, he was feeling pretty good. But then a man came and asked him for a ticket, which he didn't have. The man responded by blowing up the whole wagon. Looks like Juan didn't think his careful plan all the way through - obviously The Little Engine That Could had foreseen this all along.
The Little Engine wins.
Even though CaptKirby does not know emotions, he definitely shat bricks when facing a zombie Tyrannosaurus Rex that is immune to every method of death conceivable, and even the inconceivable (note by the editor: you forgot the no glitches no loopholes fox only final destination part). Luckily, he had just what he needed to outrun him: cheese and sugar, JUST out of reach. This allowed him to stay ahead of the Tyrannosaurus Rex, who was unable to keep up. Said Tyrannosaurus Rex died of exhaustion. See what I did there?
CaptKirby wins.
We have a peaceful citizen, let's say John, who has two prized posessions. His lemon-juice-thrower, and a chia pet the side of Utah. It just so happened that when he was at work, his chia pet managed to locate his lemon-juice-thrower and turned it on. It was addicted to its juices within an instant. Now, all the sour juice caused his cheeks to shrink, his face to wrinkle and his eyes to tear, so he ended up drying up and dying.
Lemon Juice Thrower wins.
The MyrhBusters were facing a new task: proving there is not a single mirror floating aimlessy in space. This was hard, as they had to build a rocket that could actually explore the whole universe, to eliminate all possible locations of an aimlessy floating mirror. They tried anyway, but then the mirror ended up floating into their airlock, jamming their control system. They all died. The last thing they saw was the reflection of their own angry faces.
Space-traveling Mirror wins.
Communist Megatron stood in front of an army of young Russian citizens. He explained to them, the method to the success of a communist country. First, you must add all the young potential citizens together. Then, you must substract all their pessimism, prevent division and multiply their success. Recursion was never part of the equation.
Communist Megatron wins.
On a hot summer day, Jack Nicholson just happened to be on the roof of his mansion, solving a crossword puzzle. He mumbled. "Two vertical, the square root of minus one...and it can't have letters...hmmm" He spent all his afternoon thinking. Completely puzzled, but sure he would be able to solve it if he just kept devising possibilities, he decided to head down to his kitchen to get some ice cold drinks. Still in deep thought about the crossword puzzle, he forgot about how narrow his spiral staircase was. He took a misstep, fell and broke his neck. The square root of minus one set it up, but the spiral staircase delivered the final blow.
Spiral Staircase wins.
We could take it no more. There was no other way around it. Once, Firebot was a clean place, but now there is shit on it. A lot of shit. It's several layers thick, and the diamonds in there won't be found. We have no choice. We will require...a toilet big enough to flush Africa. Because that's how much we have to cop with.
And so, we built a toilet the size of Africa together. When it was done, we wasted no time, and pressed the flusher, ready to be relieved of all the shit. But...nothing happened! We do not have enough energy to flush everything! All hope was lost, and we were about to drown in all the shit when suddenly, a star rose above the faeces. "PLEASE! EVERYONE! SHARE YOUR \o/ WITH ME!" said cyzir_visheen. And so we all did, and with the energy cyzir gathered, the toilet managed to flush all the shit from Firebot, and we were all happy.
Except cyzir, he spent all his energy and collapsed.
Giant Toilet wins.
"In the left corner, MACHAMPKIRBY! This powerful creature knows like no other that showing muscle is the best way to intimidate opponents. In the right corner, the cast of street fighter in the old west! The cast seems to be in the majority, but...what's happening there?" MachampKirby starts talking, and the cast is covering their ears. "It seems they are uncapable of processing all this useless information and ranting! Yes, the cast is fleeing! MachampKirby is victoriouS!"
147 country tortures win.
"CAMERA? LIGHTS? ACTION!" says the director, and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson gets ready to exclaim his catchphrase, when suddenly he is interrupted by a mysterious voice. Or five.
"Night 1 - Earth!"
The director looks around confused.
"Night 2 - Fire!"
Dwayne doesn't know what he's hearing either.
"Night 3 - Wind!"
"WHO IS STEALING MY GODDAMN-"
"Night 4 - Water!"
"WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN"
"Night 5 - Heart!"
With that, a bunch of workaholic mafia hitmen run in and shoot everyone.
workaholic mafia hitmen win.
