How have your past girlfriend/boyfriend relationships been?

Objection said:
This baffles me. You're saying that a non-physical relationship is not the right kind of relationship, but why?

EDIT: Accent, if MrIndigo knows all, then he knows a reason for the above statement being true other than "MrIndigo knows all".

EDIT2: *points at sig*
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Relationships have, fundamentally, a biochemical component as well as a personality component; when you don't have the former, the relationship tends to collapse, either because one or both parties lose interest, or they meet someone with whom they DO have a physical attraction. If you don't have the latter, then the relationship tends to become aggravated by the fact the people don't actually like spending time with each other, and can often become aggressive.

Both components are equally important for a "relationship". I know this from observation. That said, relationships aren't compulsory. You can lead a fulfilling life without actually needing one.


Bologo said:
Right now, I don't have any intention to get into a relationship. However, I secretly have a crush on one of my really close friends who's been close friends with me since we were both 4 years old. While I don't believe in that "friendzone" crap at all, I do believe that if one is going to intiate a relationship with a really close friend, they should be looking for a long-term relationship, or it should not happen at all.
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I agree; this is something I've been discussing with a friend of mine who's been considering it, and I think you have it right. A short-term fling might be enjoyable while it lasts, but it is what will almost certainly make the friendship too awkward if it doesn't last/work out.

I'm guessing it's probably a better idea to just go to university single anyway, since I'm hopefully going to meet a lot of people there, and hopefully some of those people will include girls.

lol anyway, tl;dr. Thanks for reading if you did.
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I would not say it's essential, but it's certainly a convenient attitude to have.
 
chaos said:
Every meaningful relationship I've had has come out of a good friendship, including the one I am in currently (3 yrs). I know a lot of people who give "advice" like this, and most of them don't do too well themselves, or are unnecessarily macho about everything in life.
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There's a difference between being 'friends' and being 'friend zoned'. If, in terms of your friendship, you guys are equals and have lighthearted fun with each other, there's no reason a relationship cannot develop.

From what I've seen of my best friend and roommate (they're different people), being 'friend zoned' results from a great deal of supplication to the girl, in combination with clinginess, in the hope that the girl will like him. The day that a story like that ends well is the day a Swampert can counter a Celebi, aka never.
 
mtr said:
There's a difference between being 'friends' and being 'friend zoned'. If, in terms of your friendship, you guys are equals and have lighthearted fun with each other, there's no reason a relationship cannot develop.
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What MTR said.

If you enter a friendship with the intention of steering her feelings into dependence and then a relationship, then you're basically a manipulative prick and are being dishonest about your intentions. You're not equals and not developing a real relationship because you're basically lying to her about who you are and what you want to be.

If you're friends with someone because you wish to be friends with them, feelings can and occasionally do develop. If you're reading this and going "yes!" or otherwise are glad that your arrangement might result in a relationship, you're doing it wrong.

From what I've seen of my best friend and roommate (they're different people), being 'friend zoned' results from a great deal of supplication to the girl, in combination with clinginess, in the hope that the girl will like him. The day that a story like that ends well is the day a Swampert can counter a Celebi, aka never.
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Choice Band Ice Punch can knock off a hefty chunk.

This idea behind dating is basically the entire premise behind Heartless Bitches, a pretty neat website.
 
I really hate my libido, especially since I feel like I'm just giving into primitive, stupid, irrational urges that tell me that having sex and reproducing is a good thing; it doesn't help that wanting to have sex is also a "norm" of some sort, probably because societies that aren't focused around sexuality tend to be replaced by those that are. It's something I'm powerless to control.

If it were up to me, I'd take some sort of pill or surgery that would just permanently disable my sex drive, but current chemical castration methods seem to cause all sorts of bad side-effects, in addition to not having any permanent effect.
 
pmjc said:
I really hate my libido, especially since I feel like I'm just giving into primitive, stupid, irrational urges that tell me that having sex and reproducing is a good thing; it doesn't help that wanting to have sex is also a "norm" of some sort, probably because societies that aren't focused around sexuality tend to be replaced by those that are. It's something I'm powerless to control.

If it were up to me, I'd take some sort of pill or surgery that would just permanently disable my sex drive, but current chemical castration methods seem to cause all sorts of bad side-effects, in addition to not having any permanent effect.
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Do you masturbate much?

I'm oversimplifying a bit, but maybe you should more often, at least for now. I used to be incredibly frustrated with my sexual desires, until I incorporated masturbation more often as an outlet. It's more than possible that you've already tried the obvious solution, in which case, if it's debilitating and you feel your sexual urges are a battle between your rational thought and irrational desire, you may wish to see a psychologist.

MrIndigo said:
Wow, that -IS- a neat website.
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I KNOW RIGHT??? Changed my life forever, yo.
 
Some of their stuff is a bit dumb, like most of the "I'M NOT BITTER" material suggests that they are, in fact, bitter. They also are against sexist humour on the grounds that it's something you shouldn't make fun of, but my belief is that there is nothing in the whole of existence that should be immune from humour. But if you don't read too far into it, it's got a lot of the basic stuff right.

@pmcj: What Chris is me said is a good start re: masturbation and also talking to a counsellor or GP (I'm fairly sure you can get nonpermanent low dosage libido suppressants). One other thing to consider is that if you're of pubescent age, the discord is probably exacerbated by the hormonal flux in your body and brain at the moment, which means that once they settle, you'll be able to normalise your sex drive and get it under a more rational control.
 
I feel like such complete and total shit right now. I don't even feel like posting, but I know if I don't say something now, I probably never will, and I could probably use the advice of more rational-minded people.

Remember that girl, Jennifer, the one who I told how I feel and she apparently forgot about it, and then we were supposed to meet up in real life? Well, after a short delay (her father was quite sick), we finally set a time for me to head up this past Sunday, the 17th. I was to head up, spend the night, and come home tonight. I was hoping to finally ask her out sometime before I left for home.

Well, I did go up there early Sunday morning, and we spent the day at her place, and then earlier today we went to see Avatar (awesome movie btw, definitely recommend it), and then we went to Moe's Southwest Grill before heading back to her place so I could pick up my stuff and head home.

And that's it. Moments came, and then they passed. Not once was I able to muster up the courage to ask her. I feel like such a coward, and it wasn't helped by the fact that it's a 2.5 hour drive back home, and the more I kept thinking about it, the worse I felt. It got to the point where I felt like I had deceived her by not telling her how I feel, like I had done something horrible to her, and I had to shut away all my emotions so I wouldn't lose focus on my driving. I don't feel quite that bad anymore, but I still feel terrible, I'm pretty sure a lot worse than if I had just asked her and she rejected me. I don't know why I feel this way, though; it's not like this is the first time I've ever not said something to a girl (my first crush I didn't say anything to for over 4 years, and we had lived in the same town). And obviously it's not because of rejection, because I never even asked her. But even though I reason things out like this again and again, the hurt won't go away...

Is this obsession? I tried not to think of her as much more than a possibility, and I thought I already knew what an obsession was from previous experience, and this doesn't feel anything like that time. There were times, though, when I'd look at her and just think, "God, she's beautiful" or I'd want to wrap my arms around her and just hold her, or other stuff like that, but I'd quickly stamp it down and tell myself I can't let my feelings develop like that unless and until we're actually going out. Is it too late? Am I already obsessed, even though I've been trying to avoid that exact thing? Is this love? Aaaaahhh, it's so confusing...
 
I'd say the car ride back is you obsessing over your own failure more than her, though you also seem infatuated by her in general. You're obsessed with every little detail of what looks like your own missed opportunity. It's hard to discern how much of that is perfectionism and dissapointment in yourself and how much is pure feelings for her. It's probably not love. I think. Who cares if it is anyway?

If you want any chance of sleeping at night rather than sitting and staring up wondering what could have been, you'll write a letter pretty much just like your post, without the self doubt. (I was driving back and knew i made a huge mistake by not bringing this up in person, the stuff at the end describing how you feel when you see her, etc etc) I think you owe it to yourself to do that.

I know nothing about the background of your situation though. And I'm kind of sleepy. Godspeed.
 
But that's the thing that confuses me. I've never had this problem with missing an opportunity before. And it's not likely that we're never going to talk or see each other again; we've been friends for more than seven years now, and I don't see any reason for it to stop now. So it shouldn't be because there won't be any other opportunities.

I don't know... Maybe I should just stop trying to analyze it and just do what you said. At least a letter feels more personal than a message on Facebook or email...
 
MagicMaster87 said:
But that's the thing that confuses me. I've never had this problem with missing an opportunity before. And it's not likely that we're never going to talk or see each other again; we've been friends for more than seven years now, and I don't see any reason for it to stop now. So it shouldn't be because there won't be any other opportunities.
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Do you want what you're putting yourself through right now to stop right now?

Then you should write her a note, or give her a call and let the results just happen. Do SOMETHING.
 
I think a call is probably the best; letters, like emails, are indirect communication which means you will beat yourself up for the whole time between sending and receiving the reply. A call is direct, and it will put you at ease.

A call saying "Hey, look, I wanted to ask you this when we were out, but I forgot/couldn't bring myself to/didn't get chance; I really like you, do you want to go out sometime?"

Simple and direct, get it over with quickly. It is not uncommon for the "potential" for the rejection to have more of a psychological impact than a rejection itself. You will be happier asking and failing, than having the lost possibility hanging over you for the rest of your years.
 
MrIndigo said:
You will be happier asking and failing, than having the lost possibility hanging over you for the rest of your years.
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I agree with this 100%. There have been loads of times where I've approached guys and basically expressed that I liked them. Although it was never with a very long-time friend, I've always felt better after rejection just because "I didn't have to wonder what if" if I had never asked them out/told them that I had a crush on them. Even if your friend isn't interested in you the way that you are in her, since you've been friends for so long, at least what she can do is appreciate how you feel about her, but you two can still stay good friends. But I mean, since it seems like you may be interested in something more, let's hope she'll reciprocate rather than just stonewall you!

And I agree with MrIndigo as well about giving her a call opposed to writing her a letter or something. All the while you're waiting for the letter to send, or waiting for a response, you'll just be going nuts and possibly even regretting doing anything at all. Also, calling her and expressing yourself gives her no time to like, "think of how she really feels" or just confuse herself into replying to you in a way that doesn't adequately express her true feelings. You've been friends forever, surely a call can't be that awkward!
 
I'm totally thirding the opinion of a phone call. She'll be able to hear you actually saying the words to her... It's a lot more personal. If you really don't want to do that, then I'd say a letter is your next best bet. Letters are awesome to receive as is, and getting one that's really sweet from a guy is just screaming 'chick flick' lol.

But I wouldn't beat yourself up about not asking her out... I mean, there will be another chance. Lemme tell my lovely story and then I'll go back to this:

So, the guy I was talking about earlier.... well... it finally happened =) We went on a couple dates and stuff and he just asked me out the other night. It was amazing. I'm soooo happy. Like... I can't even describe this. We have so much in common... similar goals, morals, interests, just everything. And the fact that we even ended up together in the first place is awesme in itself. But I won't bore you all with theological discussion.

Now, yeah, that doesn't seem to pertain to MagicMaster's predicament, but lemme explain. He put off asking me out for two weeks, and I still said yes. You can wait for an opportune moment, you can go crazy and do it this very second... whatever. It's not like whatever feelings she may have will change within the next hour that you need to be on a mad rush to ask her out. If it's driving you insane, tho... just do it. Good luck~
 
I am reaping the rewards of letting my guard down to the right person.
I'm in a currently 2.5 year long relationship with a wonderful woman who's in love with me and all my little quirks.
It's pretty fantastic to be honest.
I can tell her absolutely anything and totally trust that she'll take it to heart.
She makes even my shittiest days brighter just by living.
Although love is blind, she's freakin' gorgeous.
She always makes me laugh when she knows I need it.
And my favorite part of being with her is that she inspires me to be the best person I can be.

She even plays Pokemon with me. :>
Guess what she sent me when I was away for a half a year.
Yeah that's right, Blue Version.
I totally nicked my Squirtle for her.
I love love love my lady. :)
 
RaptorEngineer said:
I am reaping the rewards of letting my guard down to the right person.
I'm in a currently 2.5 year long relationship with a wonderful woman who's in love with me and all my little quirks.
It's pretty fantastic to be honest.
I can tell her absolutely anything and totally trust that she'll take it to heart.
She makes even my shittiest days brighter just by living.
Although love is blind, she's freakin' gorgeous.
She always makes me laugh when she knows I need it.
And my favorite part of being with her is that she inspires me to be the best person I can be.

She even plays Pokemon with me. :>
Guess what she sent me when I was away for a half a year.
Yeah that's right, Blue Version.
I totally nicked my Squirtle for her.
I love love love my lady. :)
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Dude, you found yourself the right girl for you :)

I have a few interesting flings, but no actual relationships seeing how I just could never "click" with anyone. I can think of a few girls I've been around though. Most that had any sort of effect on me were in the past two years suprisingly, everything before that was a non-factor and was generally the most failed parts of my life.

First, we have Katy. I was 15 at the time, in 10th grade(making me 17 at the moment), and she was 17. I was basically way ahead of everything, and she was really nice and generally she always gave me hugs and whatnot, and helped me become a bit more confident, and I helped her with classwork, but it never got far. Not a relationship, but we did go see a movie once. Interesting to say the least.

In that same year, I basically had a fun little fling with this girl, Stephanie. Nice girl, ended up moving in that year sometime in October. She was... different, but I didn't mind that much. I actually ended up asking her out for the first time ever and succeeding, and went to see a movie, seeing how I couldn't think of anything. Dances and whatnot. She ended up actually committing suicide sometime in March due to some major family issues, and apparently some jerk at our school pushed her over the edge and sent some very ugly hate mail which I accidentally received. I didn't think anything of the suicidal statements. She wasn't very confident with herself unfortunately and had some self-esteem issues. Frankly, this resulted in me actually wanting to bludgeon this guy, but instead I revealed the emails to her parents and ended up getting this guy charged for provoking suicide(apparently you can actually get charged if you are found to have caused someone's suicide).

Let's go forward to my 11th year. Basically, I get accepted into this relatively new program, that mixes college courses and high school courses, and only so many people are accepted in, 180 or so? Basically a mix of the worst and best year of my life so far.

A few weeks in, I ended up finding this binder left unattended, and in the front cover was a collaboration of random video game pics and such. One in particular caught my eye, the Team Fortress 2 sniper. I literally quoted a line from a "Meet the Sniper" video, and the girl that owned the binder walked in, and said that for now I'm her new best friend. Sweet :D

A bit later, she tells me her name is Christy, and before I knew it, we talked a LOT. I still have some MSN logs, some texts, and some Steam logs stored for no reason even though we don't talk much anymore. The kicker to this came soon afterwards: She was apparently more interested in a guy who lives 12 hours away and met this guy a month after me. WHAT THE FUCK?!
I wasn't sure how this even worked, but I'd roll with it and see where it went. We played a lot of games outside of school, whether it be TF2 or SSBB. Lots of hugs and whatnot, yay :D. Although the weird part of it was some of the shit in the chats. There was so much weird topics, but most of it ended in her revealing sexual stuff, like what she ended up masturbating with, like wiimotes or whatever, or the fact she revealed her "Darkest secret" so to speak. I lost interest after some time.

There was also this other girl, Gabby. Same boat, only not as dirty, and I had a lot more in common. She lived on a farm, I live on one usually for one month a year. She really was a foil to what I was at the time. I was usually dark and just depressed, but she cheered me up. I won't go into so much detail, but she is just awesome. Shame we don't talk much anymore :3

If there's one thing I learned from these past few years, you really learn a lot of life lessons. Yeah, I've had my string of failures over the years, but you learn from them.

But, to get to the point, I pose a question: What do you want out of a relationship? Not love/sex or those trivial matters, but what do you want from a relationship?

For me, it would be someone to learn from. Live and learn, live and learn.
 
Personally, my ideal relationship is being with someone that I can never fully know. I want to keep learning about them throughout my life, and never cease being surprised or amazed by them. I'd actually prefer not sharing TOO much in common with someone at first, since it makes me more intrigued to learn more about the guy. One of the most important personality traits I look for in a guy is a cohesive sense of humor, with me. That, and having the guy accept that I'm a little insane and loving me anyway.

Aesthetically speaking, I am obsessed with teeth, a guy's smile. Not to say that I won't give someone the time of day if I don't enjoy their smile, but if I never see you smile, then I probably never get to see you laugh!--something I do almost excessivey. I also appreciate someone who takes care of themselves, isn't obese, has good hygeine, etc.

As far as sex goes, I don't really worry that much about like, gauging who I date by if I'd want to fuck them, necessarily. Still, I don't think I could date someone for very long if I couldn't enjoy sex with them, just because I am human like everyone else and need to be satisfied every way possible. I don't masturbate, so I never really crave sex at all outside of a relaionship. I mostly love sex because of the way it makes me feel so close to my boyfriend, and how it's something I can't and don't share with anyone else.

Also guys that play pokemon are totally hot, duh.
 
Demo-Kun said:
But, to get to the point, I pose a question: What do you want out of a relationship? Not love/sex or those trivial matters, but what do you want from a relationship?
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All I want is a really, really good friend for life. A lot of this love-related stuff seems overhyped, and given that a non-physical relationship is supposedly nothing more than a friendship, I'd almost go so far as to say I am incapable of actually loving another person. I guess the most important thing however is someone whom I can trust to be completely honest with me - to me, the godawful truth is better than a lie designed to protect my feelings.

EDIT @m0nkfish: I don't have any gender preferences.
 
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