I am a man
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how you've grown
- Thread starter ivar
- Start date
Not much, people still think I'm going to walk into a classroom one day and start shooting up the place.
You probably shouldn't dislike your mom for being a mom.
that's fairly normal. don't be in too much of a rush to grow up though, how ever much you dislike it you are and will be reliant on your parents for some years to come.
i think about this a lot. like, a lot.
this time last year i was not in a very good way. addicted to stims, selling drugs, homeless, just come out of an abusive relationship, in a new and very miserable relationship, barely any contact with my family. my routine was thus: wake up, take drugs for 3-7 days straight with no sleep, commit a variety of petty crimes during this time (mostly shoplifting from the local tesco; it was a game that i'd steal something cool every time i went). i was contemplating prostitution as a means to support myself. it was quite a close-run thing. there were maybe 3 days out of every fortnight, maybe, when i wouldnt get fucked up on stims and i'd just try and sleep it off and recover for a few days before i dived in again. i'd go and stay at my exes house for a few days whilst i did this so he could look after me. i did a lot of bad things when i was on drugs.
my mental state was terrible. lots of drugs and bad things had taken their toll - moving away from home, end of 2 year relationship, death of father, dying grandmother. i don't know how i thought, really. i was paranoid and bitter and i knew that i was killing myself by doing all this (but the childish whining adolescent in me thought that was TOTALLY FINE THAT'S WHAT I WANT ANYWAY CRUEL WORLD etc). i never really admitted that i was addicted to drugs. i knew it but i didn't know it. i didn't know if i wanted to save myself and pull things back or what. there were a lot times when i had physical problems re: drug use (infections, weight loss to 6st2, chest pains) and i knew this was irreparably fucking my life and body u[ but i carried on doing it anyway just because i had nothing better to do.
i do know how i acted - i was vile. i'd fuck anyone over as soon as look at them if it suited me. i cheated on, err, everyone. i was probably triple-timing at one point. i hated everything. especially me. in one month from now this time last year i will be sectioned and held in a psychiatric ward for the first time.
what the difference a year makes, ey. now i have my own flat, i seem to be making things work with the boy i've been into for years (we've been together six months! good lord) and i've managed to not even come close to shagging anyone else, i've stopped taking the easy choice and fucking people around because it was a bit easier for me. i still smoke weed; more than i did then even, but i don't do stims anymore. i tried MDMA for the first time in six months the other weekend and it just wasn't my bag anymore. i'm loads more chilled now and have interests in things other than drugs - cooking, football. my relationship with my family is 100% better and i've stopped wanting/trying to top myself. yeah!
this time last year i was not in a very good way. addicted to stims, selling drugs, homeless, just come out of an abusive relationship, in a new and very miserable relationship, barely any contact with my family. my routine was thus: wake up, take drugs for 3-7 days straight with no sleep, commit a variety of petty crimes during this time (mostly shoplifting from the local tesco; it was a game that i'd steal something cool every time i went). i was contemplating prostitution as a means to support myself. it was quite a close-run thing. there were maybe 3 days out of every fortnight, maybe, when i wouldnt get fucked up on stims and i'd just try and sleep it off and recover for a few days before i dived in again. i'd go and stay at my exes house for a few days whilst i did this so he could look after me. i did a lot of bad things when i was on drugs.
my mental state was terrible. lots of drugs and bad things had taken their toll - moving away from home, end of 2 year relationship, death of father, dying grandmother. i don't know how i thought, really. i was paranoid and bitter and i knew that i was killing myself by doing all this (but the childish whining adolescent in me thought that was TOTALLY FINE THAT'S WHAT I WANT ANYWAY CRUEL WORLD etc). i never really admitted that i was addicted to drugs. i knew it but i didn't know it. i didn't know if i wanted to save myself and pull things back or what. there were a lot times when i had physical problems re: drug use (infections, weight loss to 6st2, chest pains) and i knew this was irreparably fucking my life and body u[ but i carried on doing it anyway just because i had nothing better to do.
i do know how i acted - i was vile. i'd fuck anyone over as soon as look at them if it suited me. i cheated on, err, everyone. i was probably triple-timing at one point. i hated everything. especially me. in one month from now this time last year i will be sectioned and held in a psychiatric ward for the first time.
what the difference a year makes, ey. now i have my own flat, i seem to be making things work with the boy i've been into for years (we've been together six months! good lord) and i've managed to not even come close to shagging anyone else, i've stopped taking the easy choice and fucking people around because it was a bit easier for me. i still smoke weed; more than i did then even, but i don't do stims anymore. i tried MDMA for the first time in six months the other weekend and it just wasn't my bag anymore. i'm loads more chilled now and have interests in things other than drugs - cooking, football. my relationship with my family is 100% better and i've stopped wanting/trying to top myself. yeah!
Wow, akuchi! You always have some of the most interesting life stories; I'm happy to hear you have found your way and that your current relationships are going good!
As for the op:
Yes, I definitely think about how I have grown as a person and how my personality has changed over time. When I do, it usually makes me reminisce somewhat about old friends that I've lost touch with over the years, which in turn USUALLY causes me to reconnect with them in some way, either going to a concert or going to one of our old haunts.... I always find it fascinating how you can reconnect, to some extent, with your past through various people (especially those people who were only a part of your life for that particular period). I usually find that I have this picture in my mind of them, of how they were when I knew them well, and when we reconnect later in life and start to talk (or even sometimes just seeing each other can be such a staggering difference). I guess... it's weird how life moves on. Not just your life, but the lives of the people you've touched and/or have had the opportunity to have experiences with. That's probably one of my biggest draws to looking at my past self. I mean, my mom can get bitter with her: "I used to..."; but so far I'm pretty happy overall in life, and I don't dislike the person I am today, so looking at the past isn't usually a negative thing.
The other thing that I find myself doing a lot, is wondering what I'll regret in the future. A little over a year ago I lost someone who was really super important to me. I was EXTREMELY close to them as a child/young teen, but as I got older I grew apart from them; by the time I decided to reconnect with them, it was a little too late to make any significant difference in the outcome of their life. I've TRIED to take it as a learning experience and am proactively trying to make sure I don't have the same regret with other people in my life, but I also recognize that I can't see the future, and there's bound to be something.... but sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Anyways, tl;dr: yes, I definitely look back at my "previous" selves. :)
As for the op:
Yes, I definitely think about how I have grown as a person and how my personality has changed over time. When I do, it usually makes me reminisce somewhat about old friends that I've lost touch with over the years, which in turn USUALLY causes me to reconnect with them in some way, either going to a concert or going to one of our old haunts.... I always find it fascinating how you can reconnect, to some extent, with your past through various people (especially those people who were only a part of your life for that particular period). I usually find that I have this picture in my mind of them, of how they were when I knew them well, and when we reconnect later in life and start to talk (or even sometimes just seeing each other can be such a staggering difference). I guess... it's weird how life moves on. Not just your life, but the lives of the people you've touched and/or have had the opportunity to have experiences with. That's probably one of my biggest draws to looking at my past self. I mean, my mom can get bitter with her: "I used to..."; but so far I'm pretty happy overall in life, and I don't dislike the person I am today, so looking at the past isn't usually a negative thing.
The other thing that I find myself doing a lot, is wondering what I'll regret in the future. A little over a year ago I lost someone who was really super important to me. I was EXTREMELY close to them as a child/young teen, but as I got older I grew apart from them; by the time I decided to reconnect with them, it was a little too late to make any significant difference in the outcome of their life. I've TRIED to take it as a learning experience and am proactively trying to make sure I don't have the same regret with other people in my life, but I also recognize that I can't see the future, and there's bound to be something.... but sometimes that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Anyways, tl;dr: yes, I definitely look back at my "previous" selves. :)
Well, the only photo evidence I can come up with is from the ancient archive, which only extends so far back. Still, let's take a look at how the last partial decade has been:
Earliest picture of myself I can find. This was taken at an anime convention, circa 2002 (I can't honestly remember). I was just out of high school, so I was around 18 at the time I guess.
Fall 2004, during my trip with my dad and sister back to Scotland. Standing outside the cottage we used to live in. I was still wearing low-power glasses at the time. Age: 20
This is somewhere in the vicinity of February 2006. I had long since ditched the glasses because they were nearly pointless, and my gf at the time had convinced me the "(BAN ME PLEASE) flip" was a good idea for my hair.
Now we're getting toward the end of my long undergrad career, circa early 2007.
Finally escaped college, and embarked on the adult life. This is in late summer of 2008, when I first started dating Christina and my best friend and his wife still lived on the east coast
December 2009. A little tanner, considerably better dressed, and engaged Christina ^_^
Taken on October 9th, 2010 (my 26th birthday) while visiting friends at WVU.
Most recent picture I can find at the moment (since facebook won't let me save images and I'm on my work computer), taken on my trip to Seattle the week after Christmas 2010. You can begin to see the extra weight I've gained since moving to New Jersey last year.
Anyway that pretty much sums it up. If I come across any older pictures (or very recent ones) I'll throw them into the mix. I don't think I've really changed all that much, but maybe y'all see something I don't.
Earliest picture of myself I can find. This was taken at an anime convention, circa 2002 (I can't honestly remember). I was just out of high school, so I was around 18 at the time I guess.
Fall 2004, during my trip with my dad and sister back to Scotland. Standing outside the cottage we used to live in. I was still wearing low-power glasses at the time. Age: 20
This is somewhere in the vicinity of February 2006. I had long since ditched the glasses because they were nearly pointless, and my gf at the time had convinced me the "(BAN ME PLEASE) flip" was a good idea for my hair.
Now we're getting toward the end of my long undergrad career, circa early 2007.
Finally escaped college, and embarked on the adult life. This is in late summer of 2008, when I first started dating Christina and my best friend and his wife still lived on the east coast
December 2009. A little tanner, considerably better dressed, and engaged Christina ^_^
Taken on October 9th, 2010 (my 26th birthday) while visiting friends at WVU.
Most recent picture I can find at the moment (since facebook won't let me save images and I'm on my work computer), taken on my trip to Seattle the week after Christmas 2010. You can begin to see the extra weight I've gained since moving to New Jersey last year.
Anyway that pretty much sums it up. If I come across any older pictures (or very recent ones) I'll throw them into the mix. I don't think I've really changed all that much, but maybe y'all see something I don't.
waterbomb, has anyone told you that you became considerably more handsome
I was a stubborn little kid that didn't take kindly to authority figures and always wanted to be bigger and stronger than anyone else and thought I was smarter than everyone.
Now I'm still like that except I realized I'm not the strongest person or the smartest, but I still believe I have the potential to be and strive for that everyday. And I feel I have a slight predisposition for achieving that. I'm also very competitive and introverted, and generally hateful of a lot of people and don't take very many things seriously unless it helps make me better than people. I do joke a lot though and have been told I'm very funny and strange, so I'm not a complete ass, I'm just pretty selfish.
Now I'm still like that except I realized I'm not the strongest person or the smartest, but I still believe I have the potential to be and strive for that everyday. And I feel I have a slight predisposition for achieving that. I'm also very competitive and introverted, and generally hateful of a lot of people and don't take very many things seriously unless it helps make me better than people. I do joke a lot though and have been told I'm very funny and strange, so I'm not a complete ass, I'm just pretty selfish.
I don't want to lecture or patronise you or anything, since we're the same age and stuff and you're a good guy, but I think Vincent is right about your mom. It can be hard for some mothers to let go of their children because they're protective motivated by some pretty powerful love, which is a good thing, not that they're possibly overprotective (and considering I still can't leave the house by myself at seventeen, let me tell you about overprotective :p), but that she loves you and wants to protect you. I'm sure as you've been growing she's realised she's going to have less and less control of you, since you're nearly done with high school, and hopefully it wouldn't be a horrible shock for her if you tried to compromise with her on things. e.g. when you went to the connection tour, did you go by yourself? If you're open to rationally discussing her reasons for letting you do and not letting you do things, she's more likely to see you in an adult view, though of course some things you will naturally disagree on, she's your mother and they exist solely to disagree with you.
I'm pretty sure that while her overprotectiveness would be fucking annoying, it's motivated out of love, so try not to begrudge it too much. If you have a decent relationship with your mother, even if it's fraught with usual tensions (since they can be so tense and stuff), cherish it. I'm not saying every day should be Mother's Day, but she's trying to care for you, her valuable son, and you'd feel it so much worse if she neglected you, trust me. I'm js, look on the bright side of her, maybe? :] I don't think it's worth resenting your mother so much over something like this, though I don't want to push my values onto you. It's just that I went through the same thing.
ETA: akuchi, that made me feel really warm and fuzzy to read, heh. It's a great relief to see things have turned around for you and I hope you can keep making a better life for yourself. Good luck!
[19:31] <+Fishy> i think i'm getting more freckles on my arms
[19:31] <+Fishy> or i notice them more when i am in the sun ebcause my skin is fucking iridescent
11[19:31] <&BeauJacques> thats possibly a bad thing :/
[19:32] <+Fishy> nah I am concious about funny moles and all that
[19:32] <+Fishy> nothing is raised
11[19:32] <&BeauJacques> oh
11[19:32] <&BeauJacques> i was going to say to watch this
11[19:32] <&BeauJacques> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4jgUcxMezM
[19:33] <+cookie> that could be a good thread
[19:33] <+cookie> what would you tell your younger self
11[19:34] <&BeauJacques> great thread idea
[19:34] <+cookie> i'd say 16-yo me but smogon is pretty young lol
11[19:34] <&BeauJacques> thats 10+ years for me
11[19:34] <&BeauJacques> so what would you tell yourself 10 years ago
[19:34] <ChillMurray> dear younger wer: don't bother going to college
11[19:34] <&BeauJacques> on man, 10 years ago i was just about to finish high school
[19:34] <+cookie> i dunno what i'd tell my 16-yo self
[19:34] <+Fishy> 10 year old self: don't spend money on habbo hotel
[19:34] <ChillMurray> hahaha
11[19:34] <&BeauJacques> i would have so much to say
[19:34] <+cookie> i don't think he'd trust me
[19:35] <+cookie> or would ignore what i have to say
[19:35] <ChillMurray> dear 10 year old self: ffs only one move per type on your pokemon
11[19:35] <&BeauJacques> lol
[19:35] <+cookie> lol
[19:35] <ChillMurray> flamethrower/fire blast/fire spin/fly is NOT a viable charizard set
[19:35] <+Fishy> hahaha
[19:35] <+Fishy> 10 year old self: swords dance does NO damage
[19:35] <+cookie> but seriously, even the bad stuff that happened
[19:35] <+cookie> i wouldn't try to avoid
11[19:35] <&BeauJacques> hell no
11[19:36] <&BeauJacques> i wouldnt try to change history
11[19:36] <&BeauJacques> i would try to encourage myself to try MORE
[19:36] <ChillMurray> yeah the bad shit needed to have happened for me to be who i am today
[19:36] <+cookie> i could tell my 16-year-old self not to down that half a bottle of whisky
[19:36] <+cookie> *rum
11[19:36] <&BeauJacques> lol
[19:36] <khoa> fuk naw my history sucks
[19:36] <ChillMurray> although if given the chance i'd totally do a new game + of my life
[19:36] <khoa> i would so change it
[19:36] <+cookie> but i know that i would eventually end up drinking myself to vomit at some point
11[19:36] <&BeauJacques> i would new game + and then take on lavos right at the beginning
11[19:36] <&BeauJacques> totally
11[19:38] <&BeauJacques> if i were to start over with current knowledge, itd be ten years ago lol
11[19:38] <&BeauJacques> right before college
11[19:38] <&BeauJacques> id get so much fucking ass
[19:38] <ChillMurray> yeah same
[19:38] <ChillMurray> well not that part
[19:38] <ChillMurray> i wouldn't have gone to college
[19:38] <ChillMurray> tbh all i feel like i've gained from the experience is $45k in debt
[19:39] <ChillMurray> and some personal insight
11[19:39] <&BeauJacques> and a piece of paper with your name on it
[19:39] <ChillMurray> yeah that makes a decent placemat if i get it laminated
[19:39] <ChillMurray> at the very least i would have gone to community college for a year
[19:39] <ChillMurray> so i could figure out What the Fuck I Want to Do With My Life
[19:39] <+cookie> yeah i couldn't even tell me to do anything different about uni
[19:40] <+cookie> despite hating my uni in fresher year things worked out better than imaginable
11[19:40] <&BeauJacques> i would just tell him how to act cooler at parties
11[19:40] <&BeauJacques> i used to be such a (BAN ME PLEASE)
[19:40] <+cookie> hmm
11[19:40] <&BeauJacques> i would be pissed off about no girls talking to me, so instead of talking to them id go sit in a chair and sulk
[19:41] <+cookie> rofl
11[19:41] <&BeauJacques> i actually thought id get attention
[19:41] <+cookie> i'd tell him that the people you meet at school largely mean nothing
[19:41] <ChillMurray> wait that doesn't work?
11[19:41] <&BeauJacques> amen to that
11[19:41] <&BeauJacques> lol
[19:41] <ChillMurray> no wonder i haven't gotten laid in 5 years
[19:41] <+cookie> my group of friends from school are still pretty close
[19:42] <+cookie> so it happens
[19:42] <+cookie> but in my case i just never clicked with most of the people there
11[19:42] <&BeauJacques> i actually made a lot of good friends in college, but mostly because of the fraternity
[19:42] <ChillMurray> i had good friends but they graduated last year since i'm a super senior
[19:43] <+cookie> even the people i considered to be proper friends
[19:43] <ChillMurray> but we've kept in touch
[19:43] <+cookie> one of them became a different person after starting uni
[19:43] <+cookie> i think i'd warn him of that
11[19:43] <&BeauJacques> yeah cookie, id warn him about who isnt worth the time
11[19:43] <&BeauJacques> maybe
[19:43] <ChillMurray> nagh
[19:43] <ChillMurray> you've got to make those mistakes
11[19:43] <&BeauJacques> yeah, i really wouldnt say much
[19:43] <ChillMurray> i kind of wish i'd made more though
11[19:44] <&BeauJacques> i would just instill more confidence in him
[19:44] <+cookie> nah what i'd do is warn him to soften the blow
[19:44] <ChillMurray> i got scared by the mistakes i did make
11[19:44] <&BeauJacques> because im brimming with that shit now
[19:44] <+cookie> he was a really good friend until uni
[19:44] <+cookie> and then something happened
[19:44] <+cookie> i don't get it
11[19:44] <&BeauJacques> sucks :(
[19:44] <+Fishy> half the girls i graduated with are either sluts or got pregnant
[19:44] <+Fishy> so maybe they're just all sluts
[19:44] <ChillMurray> if i could say one thing it is that passive-agression is a fucking terrible strategy for anything
[19:45] <+cookie> yeah i don't care any more, i have bigger problems in life to deal with
11[19:45] <&BeauJacques> very true wer
[19:46] <+cookie> i'd tell me to stop trying so hard on smogon! lololol
11[19:46] <&BeauJacques> hahaha
[19:46] <+Fishy> i would tell me to not spam the album thread
[19:46] <+Fishy> fufu
11[19:46] <&BeauJacques> i am fairly certain that in the future, we have discovered time travel
[19:46] <+Fishy> actually I would tell myself to get on the forums earlier and actually contribute
11[19:46] <&BeauJacques> but everyone realizes there is no point in using it
[19:46] <+cookie> lol dm
[19:48] <+cookie> oh
[19:48] <+cookie> oh
[19:48] <+cookie> i'd tell me not to bottle up anger
[19:48] <+cookie> and actually go sick on that kid
[19:31] <+Fishy> or i notice them more when i am in the sun ebcause my skin is fucking iridescent
11[19:31] <&BeauJacques> thats possibly a bad thing :/
[19:32] <+Fishy> nah I am concious about funny moles and all that
[19:32] <+Fishy> nothing is raised
11[19:32] <&BeauJacques> oh
11[19:32] <&BeauJacques> i was going to say to watch this
11[19:32] <&BeauJacques> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4jgUcxMezM
[19:33] <+cookie> that could be a good thread
[19:33] <+cookie> what would you tell your younger self
11[19:34] <&BeauJacques> great thread idea
[19:34] <+cookie> i'd say 16-yo me but smogon is pretty young lol
11[19:34] <&BeauJacques> thats 10+ years for me
11[19:34] <&BeauJacques> so what would you tell yourself 10 years ago
[19:34] <ChillMurray> dear younger wer: don't bother going to college
11[19:34] <&BeauJacques> on man, 10 years ago i was just about to finish high school
[19:34] <+cookie> i dunno what i'd tell my 16-yo self
[19:34] <+Fishy> 10 year old self: don't spend money on habbo hotel
[19:34] <ChillMurray> hahaha
11[19:34] <&BeauJacques> i would have so much to say
[19:34] <+cookie> i don't think he'd trust me
[19:35] <+cookie> or would ignore what i have to say
[19:35] <ChillMurray> dear 10 year old self: ffs only one move per type on your pokemon
11[19:35] <&BeauJacques> lol
[19:35] <+cookie> lol
[19:35] <ChillMurray> flamethrower/fire blast/fire spin/fly is NOT a viable charizard set
[19:35] <+Fishy> hahaha
[19:35] <+Fishy> 10 year old self: swords dance does NO damage
[19:35] <+cookie> but seriously, even the bad stuff that happened
[19:35] <+cookie> i wouldn't try to avoid
11[19:35] <&BeauJacques> hell no
11[19:36] <&BeauJacques> i wouldnt try to change history
11[19:36] <&BeauJacques> i would try to encourage myself to try MORE
[19:36] <ChillMurray> yeah the bad shit needed to have happened for me to be who i am today
[19:36] <+cookie> i could tell my 16-year-old self not to down that half a bottle of whisky
[19:36] <+cookie> *rum
11[19:36] <&BeauJacques> lol
[19:36] <khoa> fuk naw my history sucks
[19:36] <ChillMurray> although if given the chance i'd totally do a new game + of my life
[19:36] <khoa> i would so change it
[19:36] <+cookie> but i know that i would eventually end up drinking myself to vomit at some point
11[19:36] <&BeauJacques> i would new game + and then take on lavos right at the beginning
11[19:36] <&BeauJacques> totally
11[19:38] <&BeauJacques> if i were to start over with current knowledge, itd be ten years ago lol
11[19:38] <&BeauJacques> right before college
11[19:38] <&BeauJacques> id get so much fucking ass
[19:38] <ChillMurray> yeah same
[19:38] <ChillMurray> well not that part
[19:38] <ChillMurray> i wouldn't have gone to college
[19:38] <ChillMurray> tbh all i feel like i've gained from the experience is $45k in debt
[19:39] <ChillMurray> and some personal insight
11[19:39] <&BeauJacques> and a piece of paper with your name on it
[19:39] <ChillMurray> yeah that makes a decent placemat if i get it laminated
[19:39] <ChillMurray> at the very least i would have gone to community college for a year
[19:39] <ChillMurray> so i could figure out What the Fuck I Want to Do With My Life
[19:39] <+cookie> yeah i couldn't even tell me to do anything different about uni
[19:40] <+cookie> despite hating my uni in fresher year things worked out better than imaginable
11[19:40] <&BeauJacques> i would just tell him how to act cooler at parties
11[19:40] <&BeauJacques> i used to be such a (BAN ME PLEASE)
[19:40] <+cookie> hmm
11[19:40] <&BeauJacques> i would be pissed off about no girls talking to me, so instead of talking to them id go sit in a chair and sulk
[19:41] <+cookie> rofl
11[19:41] <&BeauJacques> i actually thought id get attention
[19:41] <+cookie> i'd tell him that the people you meet at school largely mean nothing
[19:41] <ChillMurray> wait that doesn't work?
11[19:41] <&BeauJacques> amen to that
11[19:41] <&BeauJacques> lol
[19:41] <ChillMurray> no wonder i haven't gotten laid in 5 years
[19:41] <+cookie> my group of friends from school are still pretty close
[19:42] <+cookie> so it happens
[19:42] <+cookie> but in my case i just never clicked with most of the people there
11[19:42] <&BeauJacques> i actually made a lot of good friends in college, but mostly because of the fraternity
[19:42] <ChillMurray> i had good friends but they graduated last year since i'm a super senior
[19:43] <+cookie> even the people i considered to be proper friends
[19:43] <ChillMurray> but we've kept in touch
[19:43] <+cookie> one of them became a different person after starting uni
[19:43] <+cookie> i think i'd warn him of that
11[19:43] <&BeauJacques> yeah cookie, id warn him about who isnt worth the time
11[19:43] <&BeauJacques> maybe
[19:43] <ChillMurray> nagh
[19:43] <ChillMurray> you've got to make those mistakes
11[19:43] <&BeauJacques> yeah, i really wouldnt say much
[19:43] <ChillMurray> i kind of wish i'd made more though
11[19:44] <&BeauJacques> i would just instill more confidence in him
[19:44] <+cookie> nah what i'd do is warn him to soften the blow
[19:44] <ChillMurray> i got scared by the mistakes i did make
11[19:44] <&BeauJacques> because im brimming with that shit now
[19:44] <+cookie> he was a really good friend until uni
[19:44] <+cookie> and then something happened
[19:44] <+cookie> i don't get it
11[19:44] <&BeauJacques> sucks :(
[19:44] <+Fishy> half the girls i graduated with are either sluts or got pregnant
[19:44] <+Fishy> so maybe they're just all sluts
[19:44] <ChillMurray> if i could say one thing it is that passive-agression is a fucking terrible strategy for anything
[19:45] <+cookie> yeah i don't care any more, i have bigger problems in life to deal with
11[19:45] <&BeauJacques> very true wer
[19:46] <+cookie> i'd tell me to stop trying so hard on smogon! lololol
11[19:46] <&BeauJacques> hahaha
[19:46] <+Fishy> i would tell me to not spam the album thread
[19:46] <+Fishy> fufu
11[19:46] <&BeauJacques> i am fairly certain that in the future, we have discovered time travel
[19:46] <+Fishy> actually I would tell myself to get on the forums earlier and actually contribute
11[19:46] <&BeauJacques> but everyone realizes there is no point in using it
[19:46] <+cookie> lol dm
[19:48] <+cookie> oh
[19:48] <+cookie> oh
[19:48] <+cookie> i'd tell me not to bottle up anger
[19:48] <+cookie> and actually go sick on that kid
I basically worked out I'm an arrogant dick
Why thank you! I haven't quite gotten on DM's level yet though :(
In Smogon terms, I've gone from lurking the 2010 pretty girls thread to lurking the 2011 pretty girls thread.
In real life terms, I've fallen for another girl again (this seems to happen on a four year cycle co-incident to me graduating from one school to another) who rejected me and I've been emo again ever since. I guess I'm the me I was four years ago, in part.
In real life terms, I've fallen for another girl again (this seems to happen on a four year cycle co-incident to me graduating from one school to another) who rejected me and I've been emo again ever since. I guess I'm the me I was four years ago, in part.
Well, I decided I wanted to post in answer to the OP myself instead of just replying to other posts, but I was kind of in a rush in the morning, so I started writing a draft instead. Like akuchi, I think about this a lot: about other people, and about myself (I'm very introspective). I think it's a good thing to reflect on yourself a lot as long as you don't get too withdrawn and shut everything else out! It's nice to think that I've been growing and will continue to grow in lots of ways.
I'm actually in hospital right now waiting for some pretty major surgery, and I'm not sure if I'm just in some divine state of pre-operation tranquillity or I've experienced an uplifting attitude change because of the circumstances I'm under (I've got a life-threatening brain tumour, non-malignant but it's rather large and pressing on my brain stem, and the operation to remove it is in less than 24 hours now). I'd guess it's a good deal of both. As an early adolescent I was a really bitter person because of being disabled, unhealthy, treated like shit at home and school, and so on. Teenage angst and depression are both quite common but my health problems really depressed me and I resented the circumstances of my life on a daily basis. Hospital has made me appreciate the health I do have (I lost the hearing in one ear permanently because of the tumour c. December, and I've adjusted quite well to that; I'm blind in one eye and deaf in one ear but they're on opposite sides, at least! I can hear traffic from the left and see it from the right), that I am young and not dying and have prospects in life, and the chronic pain caused by my muscular problems hasn't been too bad over the months. I'm not seriously looking at the prospect of an imminent death, which would be just depressing. Naturally, being in a hospital, I do think about death a lot here, but I don't dwell on it. I've been trying to keep an upbeat attitude and think about the possibility of my life improving when they remove the tumour, since it made me very ill throughout March and April (the medication in hospital is helping me be more cheerful about it, since I'm not feeling too sick on a day-to-day basis anymore, and as a sickly person, that's what really makes the difference).
What really has set my thoughts apart recently from the thoughts of the past—the ones dominated by bitterness, selfish resentment, and negativity—is the gratitude. As I've grown older and more mature (I know I have a long way to go, but I've come a long way too!), I've reflected a lot on the many blessings in my life. I've always hated Australia, but I have the prospects of changing that: of finding somewhere nicer here or abroad to live, and it's better to live here than a lot of places. My disabilities may impede me from the career I initially chose (a virologist), but they don't impede me from something I'm equally passionate about, even more capable of, and presently working towards: computer science. I have had very difficult relations with my family in the past and even though I'm sort of just... existing alongside my father, I've started to trust my mother a bit more again and rely on her for her support in hospital. (Mother's Day was very emotionally powerful for me, actually.) I've developed a big appreciation for my friend and my family who came all the way to my hospital (I'm not at the local one b/c the local one lacks a neurosurgery ward and such facilities) to be here for me. I'm grateful for small pleasures, like long hot showers (the hospital shower isn't that bad because I have my own room and I can sit down with one of those movable shower head things, since I get dizzy when I stand up) and vanilla yoghurt and reading and plush toys. I'm grateful for my friends and people I respect and having my life culturally enriched.
Most of all, I'm grateful for love and, well, gratitude, and being able to more closely perceive my happiness, instead of feeling aware in a detached but unimpassioned way that at least I'm not a starving Ethiopian AIDS orphan. When I get out of hospital, I've decided to start a journal project listing all the things I'm grateful for (I like digital and paper scrapbooking), from clear winter skies to having a close relationship with my mother, from modern neuroscience (I have so much respect for neurosurgeons) to libraries.
Each day, including the shitty ones, is a learning experience. Some I don't want, but I'm getting them anyway, so I may as well look on them as 'at least I'm glad that's over and done with'. I'm certainly not trying to submit to everything in life; I'm just trying to apply my emotions a bit more constructively about the things I can't really avoid, like having to have this surgery to save my life. I'm not passive at all and I thoroughly disapprove of the thought of it. I just prefer to think of myself as less futile atm.
In conclusion, I'm happier, working on my avoidance issues and self-esteem (I'm actually kind of a legit human being... hardly flawless but I'm definitely not as bad as I thought. Maybe it's a combination of / me or maybe it's my outlook, but things just improved!) have worked through a lot of my bitterness and negativity, and soon I'll be healthier (and back at university... had to defer this semester, unfortunately). And I'm going to keep growing. I guess to sum this up properly, things do get better. Seven years of depression is a long time and I'm still not over it and maybe it will always haunt me, but they get better, even if sometimes I think it was sheer willpower/survival instinct that pulled me through.
I wish everyone the best with their own lives! Sorry that this was so long, btw. ♥
I'm actually in hospital right now waiting for some pretty major surgery, and I'm not sure if I'm just in some divine state of pre-operation tranquillity or I've experienced an uplifting attitude change because of the circumstances I'm under (I've got a life-threatening brain tumour, non-malignant but it's rather large and pressing on my brain stem, and the operation to remove it is in less than 24 hours now). I'd guess it's a good deal of both. As an early adolescent I was a really bitter person because of being disabled, unhealthy, treated like shit at home and school, and so on. Teenage angst and depression are both quite common but my health problems really depressed me and I resented the circumstances of my life on a daily basis. Hospital has made me appreciate the health I do have (I lost the hearing in one ear permanently because of the tumour c. December, and I've adjusted quite well to that; I'm blind in one eye and deaf in one ear but they're on opposite sides, at least! I can hear traffic from the left and see it from the right), that I am young and not dying and have prospects in life, and the chronic pain caused by my muscular problems hasn't been too bad over the months. I'm not seriously looking at the prospect of an imminent death, which would be just depressing. Naturally, being in a hospital, I do think about death a lot here, but I don't dwell on it. I've been trying to keep an upbeat attitude and think about the possibility of my life improving when they remove the tumour, since it made me very ill throughout March and April (the medication in hospital is helping me be more cheerful about it, since I'm not feeling too sick on a day-to-day basis anymore, and as a sickly person, that's what really makes the difference).
What really has set my thoughts apart recently from the thoughts of the past—the ones dominated by bitterness, selfish resentment, and negativity—is the gratitude. As I've grown older and more mature (I know I have a long way to go, but I've come a long way too!), I've reflected a lot on the many blessings in my life. I've always hated Australia, but I have the prospects of changing that: of finding somewhere nicer here or abroad to live, and it's better to live here than a lot of places. My disabilities may impede me from the career I initially chose (a virologist), but they don't impede me from something I'm equally passionate about, even more capable of, and presently working towards: computer science. I have had very difficult relations with my family in the past and even though I'm sort of just... existing alongside my father, I've started to trust my mother a bit more again and rely on her for her support in hospital. (Mother's Day was very emotionally powerful for me, actually.) I've developed a big appreciation for my friend and my family who came all the way to my hospital (I'm not at the local one b/c the local one lacks a neurosurgery ward and such facilities) to be here for me. I'm grateful for small pleasures, like long hot showers (the hospital shower isn't that bad because I have my own room and I can sit down with one of those movable shower head things, since I get dizzy when I stand up) and vanilla yoghurt and reading and plush toys. I'm grateful for my friends and people I respect and having my life culturally enriched.
Most of all, I'm grateful for love and, well, gratitude, and being able to more closely perceive my happiness, instead of feeling aware in a detached but unimpassioned way that at least I'm not a starving Ethiopian AIDS orphan. When I get out of hospital, I've decided to start a journal project listing all the things I'm grateful for (I like digital and paper scrapbooking), from clear winter skies to having a close relationship with my mother, from modern neuroscience (I have so much respect for neurosurgeons) to libraries.
Each day, including the shitty ones, is a learning experience. Some I don't want, but I'm getting them anyway, so I may as well look on them as 'at least I'm glad that's over and done with'. I'm certainly not trying to submit to everything in life; I'm just trying to apply my emotions a bit more constructively about the things I can't really avoid, like having to have this surgery to save my life. I'm not passive at all and I thoroughly disapprove of the thought of it. I just prefer to think of myself as less futile atm.
In conclusion, I'm happier, working on my avoidance issues and self-esteem (I'm actually kind of a legit human being... hardly flawless but I'm definitely not as bad as I thought. Maybe it's a combination of / me or maybe it's my outlook, but things just improved!) have worked through a lot of my bitterness and negativity, and soon I'll be healthier (and back at university... had to defer this semester, unfortunately). And I'm going to keep growing. I guess to sum this up properly, things do get better. Seven years of depression is a long time and I'm still not over it and maybe it will always haunt me, but they get better, even if sometimes I think it was sheer willpower/survival instinct that pulled me through.
I wish everyone the best with their own lives! Sorry that this was so long, btw. ♥
the family is looking out for you jumpluff
i think i've accepted that there are other people in the world and that a lot of them aren't mindless lemmings
i have realised that the best way to grow is to accept everything as your responsibility. if i get complacent or start blaming people for my mistakes then i might as well go jump, because there is always someone better and they probably handle mistakes better than i do. i did extremely, extremely poorly in a music exam recently, to the point where i was pretty much broken down and lying on the snare drum in misery half way through the song. it's not going to happen again. who am i telling this to? is it just something as trivial as a botched performance or am i realising that i am not perfect child prodigy alex like all my teachers, relatives and doctors have told me
i think i've accepted that there are other people in the world and that a lot of them aren't mindless lemmings
i have realised that the best way to grow is to accept everything as your responsibility. if i get complacent or start blaming people for my mistakes then i might as well go jump, because there is always someone better and they probably handle mistakes better than i do. i did extremely, extremely poorly in a music exam recently, to the point where i was pretty much broken down and lying on the snare drum in misery half way through the song. it's not going to happen again. who am i telling this to? is it just something as trivial as a botched performance or am i realising that i am not perfect child prodigy alex like all my teachers, relatives and doctors have told me
1 week ago. I would have told myself to eat on thursday instead of trying to skul whiskey on an empty stomache.
Well one year ago i would have been half way through my first year of uni. I would have told myself to do a different course then and there instead of changing a year later than I should have.
And five years ago I would have told myself to pick better subjects for the HSC but I wouldn't have cared anyway.
As for personal stuff. I have matured quite a bit. I'm not a dick to my mum any more. I actually have a social life now. I hang out with people that aren't going to drag me down like I did in high school.
I'm actually liking life now. Something that is kinda new for me.
Still have things i need to improve though. I haven't talked to my dad and his side of the family in a very long time. Over half a year. I also lack the confidence to do crazy things like my friends do. They are bringing me out of my shell and I can almost talk to randoms.
I'll get there eventually. I'm about to settle into a course I enjoy which is a plus this is my last useless semester. I'll hate the debt i've built up but I'll get over it.
Now, i just need to get a job. Or budget. Both will work. I'd rather a job though.
Actually how do I go get a job when I'm 19 and have no experience? I don't want to work at maccas but i may have to.
Well one year ago i would have been half way through my first year of uni. I would have told myself to do a different course then and there instead of changing a year later than I should have.
And five years ago I would have told myself to pick better subjects for the HSC but I wouldn't have cared anyway.
As for personal stuff. I have matured quite a bit. I'm not a dick to my mum any more. I actually have a social life now. I hang out with people that aren't going to drag me down like I did in high school.
I'm actually liking life now. Something that is kinda new for me.
Still have things i need to improve though. I haven't talked to my dad and his side of the family in a very long time. Over half a year. I also lack the confidence to do crazy things like my friends do. They are bringing me out of my shell and I can almost talk to randoms.
I'll get there eventually. I'm about to settle into a course I enjoy which is a plus this is my last useless semester. I'll hate the debt i've built up but I'll get over it.
Now, i just need to get a job. Or budget. Both will work. I'd rather a job though.
Actually how do I go get a job when I'm 19 and have no experience? I don't want to work at maccas but i may have to.
It's cause he's whipped, that happens to the best of us. Sadly, the "shit is about to get extra real" angry gamer sweatpants get thrown out, haircuts and shaving becomes regular and soon enough you find yourself in line buying tampons and wondering "why did I ever stop playing counterstrike?"
I guess that describes me, i shaved like 4 times on my trip to see lanturn. That is honestly a record number of shaves per week in the last 5 years. ALSO no sweatpants, I think?
I'm still waiting for half of you to tell about how you came to sit on your throne as the prince of Bel-Air.
Good one Vineon
Lemme guess, you went to college?
Jealous?