Warning: the below text is HUGE.
In my previous job I met a woman that I am going to call Mary. She seemed nice and fun enough. She took the subway to go home like me so we talked quite a bit. We became more and more good friends as time passed and she even told me some personal things such as her husband cheating on her little before they got married. Son of a bitch.
He is not a monster by any means but I can't say I think he is very good of a man either. He is sexist and kind of an asshole towards her. Mary and I even had conversations about divorce and all and she always made sure she was not getting one. Her motives are mostly religious and that it would crush her mother's heart. It is fine, that is her business.
One day she told me she had a crush on me and wanted a kiss. I was thrown aback by that. Not even in my wettest dreams I would imagine such a thing. She was very insecure about that and felt bad too, said she was crazy and didn't want to lose my friendship. The problem is: she is married. I wasn't acquainted with her husband then so there was no real deterrent to giving her a kiss.
One thing that bugged me is that we had previously had a conversation on adultery. My thoughts then are still the same: if you cheat on your partner you break your word and that is unforgivable. I know I am a hypocrite.
At any rate, we kissed. It is probably important to note that that was my first kiss. Yes, I was 22 and only then kissed for the first time. The reason I am revealing that will become apparent later. She said it was quite a good kiss so yeah I can live with it lol. That was in mid March.
We continued to have our escapes and smuggle-wuggles whenever possible on the days that followed. It is very evident I was only using her for my bodily needs but I liked to think it was reciprocous so all was good.
One thing that bugs me is that I never felt a warm, fuzzy feeling around her. I felt very comfortable and, say, unshackled. This never changed. I think I never really had a crush or anything and now I feel guilty for that.
We grew more and more attached to each other, both as friends and as lovers. Today I can assure you she is the sweetest and most understanding person I have ever met and is someone I care a lot about. I felt I could talk about anything with her and so did she. We shared our views, hopes and fears on many subjects and had deep respect for each other.
We never hold any illusion on our relationship, though. We knew from day one it had no future and agreed that either one could terminate it at any time. One thing that pissed me off is how she constantly reminded me of that and that she wanted me to get a real girlfriend. I am still not sure why she mentioned it so often.
I was always very honest on the fact that I couln'dt have a girlfriend at the time. You see, I simply had no free time to dispense a girlfriend the attention I think a girlfirend deserves. I told her if she divorced AND stayed with me, it would be alright but told her not to divorce TO stay with me because of the aforementioned hinderance. Again, she said she had no intention of divorcing.
But Mary is an insecure woman. She even told me she is deathly afraid of being alone. In my view, that is the biggest reason for her not divorcing, much bigger than the others. I told her that was bullshit, she was a beautiful and interesting woman and the opinion of others don't matter. She got better with time, I like to think it was in part my words of incentive but perhaps it was the simple fact a guy was giving her the attention she needed and that boosted her confidence. But it doesn't matter, she was taking bolder decisions and I was glad for that. She even cut her hair short! Hey, it was a big deal for her and I felt very proud.
As you can see, part of me wanted her to divorce her husband but at the same time I know it'd be unfair to give her false hopes. This is probably because, damn, she was the first woman to ever like me, I was in a rush of feelings I had never experienced. Good thing I was still thinking with the correct head.
Eventually we had sex and I lost my virginity. Yeah, wecome to life, I am late to the party, etcetera. She said I did well, which was a huge ego boost. Well, after years watching porn, you should have taken mental notes of SOMETHING lol. We became even more attached after that (pun intended). Her being so understanding was crucial for me here. I suffer from premature ejacutalion (yes, many revelations in this thread) and she didn't seem to be bothered by it, said it could be worked around. I can't even begin to tell you how improtant that was to me. You see, as I got older, I was more and more assumed to be experienced and good at this kinda thing. And still, she broke no sweat. I will be forever grateful because of this.
In early June I quit my job and started an internship. Good thing for the career I suppose but mostly to situate you in time. Shortly afterwards her aunt was diagnosed with cancer and Mary started to break down. Her family, not even her husband, was being very supportive so I flew to the rescue. I left her cry on my shoulder.
Next week she broke up with me. The one thing that shouldn't have happened came to be: she realised she was falling for me. Since it was our agreement, I had no right to claim and accepted it stoically. I was, however, a little sad. I understand that such sadness may have been legit or only because I had lost my only means of sex. I am trying to be objective here, at the end of the day I am still human and still a man, and the flesh is weak. But let me tell you how delightfully ironic it is to hear "you are perfect and I love you and because of that we must part ways".
That was just the introduction. Now my problem begins.
It's been about two months since and I am starting to miss her a lot. It's even ridiculous. I think about it everywhere, everytime. When I am at work, when I am at university, when I am trying to sleep... I keep telling myself it is my body missing her, not my heart. But, damn, what do I know? I keep having these sexual and other fantasies and I feel like an idiot for that. It is over, move on, I tell myself, it is only your sex drive.But I will be damned if I don't want her back.
Mary and I have a friend in common who I will call Ana. The three of us are good friends and she knows everything. She is mostly a friend of Mary, though. One of these days we were talking about Mary and she told me one thing that only now is having a disturbing effect on me: Ana said that probably if I assured Mary I'd be there for her she'd divorce. That is quite a bit of responsibility.
One more thing: earlier today I learned that her aunt (the one with cancer) is getting worse. And her relatives are being complete dipshits about it. "It is psychological" they said. Ah, fuck you, seriously. I was enraged. I was asked to give her support and I certainly will as soon as possible, probably today. I will try to get Ana into it, too. At this time, Mary's well being is my priority zero and I will forsake whatever is needed to see her well even if it means being swapped to the gay friend ladder.
History lesson is over. Now, what has been on my mind.
Mary's marriage sucks. I've known that from the beggining. They've been married for three or four years and both have cheated on each other. That is just wrong. She said she still loved him despite his treachery but much less than before. I don't believe that. She is just used to having someone there when she arrives home and can't imagine her life without it. Like I said, she is very insecure.
But damnit, what next? Is she going to wait for her mother to die so she can divorce? Is she going to wake up in ten, fifteen years and realise how empty her marriage has been. I don't believe she is happy in her marriage.
The worst is that I can't tell her that. That'd be giving false hopes and generaly screwing her mind and spirit. I can't do that. I wish I could.
What Ana told me is making me nervous. Do I possess such power? Can I really have her back so easily? I know I have no right to do that. The marriage is a very big deal to Mary, I can't simply ignore that.
Part of me wants to simply say "I love you" but that'd be the easy way out. What do I know? Do something stupid and blame it on love? I am not that low.
Trying to get her back would blow her mind. Bad. She is too good of a person to disregard my feelings and she would inevitably suffer, be it for her husband, for me or for herself. I can't ignore that. At the same time, I can realisticaly picture me doing so. This is horrible. I don't want to desire a person only for bodily needs and ignore her feelings. I fear I might have become something I hate.
One thing I've considered is to engage in another relationship and see if I can placate this feeling. There is a problem though: this is the hardest thing in the world for me. I am perhaps a love-shy person. That is to say I am HORRIBLE at dealing with the opposite sex. I can't. I've tried and I just can't. I become incredibly anxious, nervous, irritable. I can't even talk, a huge lump forms in my throat. But I am aware that blaming it on some random psychological disorder is lame and the easy way out, even though I do identify with some of the "symptoms". But it could be self-suggestion.
I realise that everything I said may very well what I WANT to think, that is, the reality as I dream it. Yes, I second guess myself a lot. Being an objective and pragmatic person has its shortcomings, it seems.
And then there is the small possibility of Mary wanting to come back to me. I've made a point to myself of not accepting it so easily. Pride, yes. But what for? She'd probably fall for me again and break up.
I don't know what to do. My guts tell me to try and convince Mary to come back but my brain tells me this is wrong. At any rate, this is something I needed to talk and organizing this mess of thoughts in words has helped imensely in calming me down. If you read until here, I greatly appreciate it.
In my previous job I met a woman that I am going to call Mary. She seemed nice and fun enough. She took the subway to go home like me so we talked quite a bit. We became more and more good friends as time passed and she even told me some personal things such as her husband cheating on her little before they got married. Son of a bitch.
He is not a monster by any means but I can't say I think he is very good of a man either. He is sexist and kind of an asshole towards her. Mary and I even had conversations about divorce and all and she always made sure she was not getting one. Her motives are mostly religious and that it would crush her mother's heart. It is fine, that is her business.
One day she told me she had a crush on me and wanted a kiss. I was thrown aback by that. Not even in my wettest dreams I would imagine such a thing. She was very insecure about that and felt bad too, said she was crazy and didn't want to lose my friendship. The problem is: she is married. I wasn't acquainted with her husband then so there was no real deterrent to giving her a kiss.
One thing that bugged me is that we had previously had a conversation on adultery. My thoughts then are still the same: if you cheat on your partner you break your word and that is unforgivable. I know I am a hypocrite.
At any rate, we kissed. It is probably important to note that that was my first kiss. Yes, I was 22 and only then kissed for the first time. The reason I am revealing that will become apparent later. She said it was quite a good kiss so yeah I can live with it lol. That was in mid March.
We continued to have our escapes and smuggle-wuggles whenever possible on the days that followed. It is very evident I was only using her for my bodily needs but I liked to think it was reciprocous so all was good.
One thing that bugs me is that I never felt a warm, fuzzy feeling around her. I felt very comfortable and, say, unshackled. This never changed. I think I never really had a crush or anything and now I feel guilty for that.
We grew more and more attached to each other, both as friends and as lovers. Today I can assure you she is the sweetest and most understanding person I have ever met and is someone I care a lot about. I felt I could talk about anything with her and so did she. We shared our views, hopes and fears on many subjects and had deep respect for each other.
We never hold any illusion on our relationship, though. We knew from day one it had no future and agreed that either one could terminate it at any time. One thing that pissed me off is how she constantly reminded me of that and that she wanted me to get a real girlfriend. I am still not sure why she mentioned it so often.
I was always very honest on the fact that I couln'dt have a girlfriend at the time. You see, I simply had no free time to dispense a girlfriend the attention I think a girlfirend deserves. I told her if she divorced AND stayed with me, it would be alright but told her not to divorce TO stay with me because of the aforementioned hinderance. Again, she said she had no intention of divorcing.
But Mary is an insecure woman. She even told me she is deathly afraid of being alone. In my view, that is the biggest reason for her not divorcing, much bigger than the others. I told her that was bullshit, she was a beautiful and interesting woman and the opinion of others don't matter. She got better with time, I like to think it was in part my words of incentive but perhaps it was the simple fact a guy was giving her the attention she needed and that boosted her confidence. But it doesn't matter, she was taking bolder decisions and I was glad for that. She even cut her hair short! Hey, it was a big deal for her and I felt very proud.
As you can see, part of me wanted her to divorce her husband but at the same time I know it'd be unfair to give her false hopes. This is probably because, damn, she was the first woman to ever like me, I was in a rush of feelings I had never experienced. Good thing I was still thinking with the correct head.
Eventually we had sex and I lost my virginity. Yeah, wecome to life, I am late to the party, etcetera. She said I did well, which was a huge ego boost. Well, after years watching porn, you should have taken mental notes of SOMETHING lol. We became even more attached after that (pun intended). Her being so understanding was crucial for me here. I suffer from premature ejacutalion (yes, many revelations in this thread) and she didn't seem to be bothered by it, said it could be worked around. I can't even begin to tell you how improtant that was to me. You see, as I got older, I was more and more assumed to be experienced and good at this kinda thing. And still, she broke no sweat. I will be forever grateful because of this.
In early June I quit my job and started an internship. Good thing for the career I suppose but mostly to situate you in time. Shortly afterwards her aunt was diagnosed with cancer and Mary started to break down. Her family, not even her husband, was being very supportive so I flew to the rescue. I left her cry on my shoulder.
Next week she broke up with me. The one thing that shouldn't have happened came to be: she realised she was falling for me. Since it was our agreement, I had no right to claim and accepted it stoically. I was, however, a little sad. I understand that such sadness may have been legit or only because I had lost my only means of sex. I am trying to be objective here, at the end of the day I am still human and still a man, and the flesh is weak. But let me tell you how delightfully ironic it is to hear "you are perfect and I love you and because of that we must part ways".
That was just the introduction. Now my problem begins.
It's been about two months since and I am starting to miss her a lot. It's even ridiculous. I think about it everywhere, everytime. When I am at work, when I am at university, when I am trying to sleep... I keep telling myself it is my body missing her, not my heart. But, damn, what do I know? I keep having these sexual and other fantasies and I feel like an idiot for that. It is over, move on, I tell myself, it is only your sex drive.But I will be damned if I don't want her back.
Mary and I have a friend in common who I will call Ana. The three of us are good friends and she knows everything. She is mostly a friend of Mary, though. One of these days we were talking about Mary and she told me one thing that only now is having a disturbing effect on me: Ana said that probably if I assured Mary I'd be there for her she'd divorce. That is quite a bit of responsibility.
One more thing: earlier today I learned that her aunt (the one with cancer) is getting worse. And her relatives are being complete dipshits about it. "It is psychological" they said. Ah, fuck you, seriously. I was enraged. I was asked to give her support and I certainly will as soon as possible, probably today. I will try to get Ana into it, too. At this time, Mary's well being is my priority zero and I will forsake whatever is needed to see her well even if it means being swapped to the gay friend ladder.
History lesson is over. Now, what has been on my mind.
Mary's marriage sucks. I've known that from the beggining. They've been married for three or four years and both have cheated on each other. That is just wrong. She said she still loved him despite his treachery but much less than before. I don't believe that. She is just used to having someone there when she arrives home and can't imagine her life without it. Like I said, she is very insecure.
But damnit, what next? Is she going to wait for her mother to die so she can divorce? Is she going to wake up in ten, fifteen years and realise how empty her marriage has been. I don't believe she is happy in her marriage.
The worst is that I can't tell her that. That'd be giving false hopes and generaly screwing her mind and spirit. I can't do that. I wish I could.
What Ana told me is making me nervous. Do I possess such power? Can I really have her back so easily? I know I have no right to do that. The marriage is a very big deal to Mary, I can't simply ignore that.
Part of me wants to simply say "I love you" but that'd be the easy way out. What do I know? Do something stupid and blame it on love? I am not that low.
Trying to get her back would blow her mind. Bad. She is too good of a person to disregard my feelings and she would inevitably suffer, be it for her husband, for me or for herself. I can't ignore that. At the same time, I can realisticaly picture me doing so. This is horrible. I don't want to desire a person only for bodily needs and ignore her feelings. I fear I might have become something I hate.
One thing I've considered is to engage in another relationship and see if I can placate this feeling. There is a problem though: this is the hardest thing in the world for me. I am perhaps a love-shy person. That is to say I am HORRIBLE at dealing with the opposite sex. I can't. I've tried and I just can't. I become incredibly anxious, nervous, irritable. I can't even talk, a huge lump forms in my throat. But I am aware that blaming it on some random psychological disorder is lame and the easy way out, even though I do identify with some of the "symptoms". But it could be self-suggestion.
I realise that everything I said may very well what I WANT to think, that is, the reality as I dream it. Yes, I second guess myself a lot. Being an objective and pragmatic person has its shortcomings, it seems.
And then there is the small possibility of Mary wanting to come back to me. I've made a point to myself of not accepting it so easily. Pride, yes. But what for? She'd probably fall for me again and break up.
I don't know what to do. My guts tell me to try and convince Mary to come back but my brain tells me this is wrong. At any rate, this is something I needed to talk and organizing this mess of thoughts in words has helped imensely in calming me down. If you read until here, I greatly appreciate it.
