Almost 2 years ago, I decided to make a post here. It was during a time in my life where everything I had fell apart. I lost my friends, had no money, had my mother mock me about suicide, lost my girlfriend, and was told I was going to be homeless. Something like this should never be experienced by a kid so young. I say kid more so because I was. I never really got out and did much of anything. I was contempt with pushing away responsibilities and trying to enjoy life. This ended up setting me on a path I wasn't ready for...and still am not. I had to go through abuse, and severe panic attacks. I was able to sleep, breathe or think. I never could find a way to escape my own self-torture. There was no silver lining, there was no happy ending, just pure suffering and a kid wanting to just ignore all of this and feel safe again. I moved into a laundry room of one of my mother's friends. Was told it would only be a few months before we would be back to having our own place. Little did I know how sad this really was. My mother's credit was destroyed so no one wanted to accept her. Her friend and his mother were abuse and mentally hurt me even more than I was. Threatening to call police and kicking me out on the street if I didn't lock my mother up in a mental hospital and be their kid now. Got to a point where they would physical abuse me to. They had no respect or care for me. They treated me like shit, but I had to accept it and go along with whatever so that I could have some roof over my head. I found out the first day when I got there that they were also being evicted...so the thought of finally getting some security in my life was gone again. As time went on, I tried so hard to find a place. Each one seemed so welcoming and supportive. But later regretted us or offered me something I couldn't accept. I went to a shelter, trying to find some safety. But they wanted me to quit my job and join their group. A group where a bunch of kids under the age of 22 were allowed to sleep at night and where they would offer food and some form of way to help them if they needed school. The fact is it was all just very depressing. They had kids sleeping on the floor all day until they had a chance to be given a bed to sleep in at 9pm. And then at 6am were told they need to leave. You had food that was left out all day and was cold. And they didn't treat you with much respect or care. They treated you as if you were a number...not a kid. Whilst all of this is happening in my life. I still has a job, a job which was my only ticket to freedom. This was back when we didn't have to wear masks and I was forced to smile and be happy, even though I wasn't. Because I would get reported if I looked sad or crestfallen. (I work in a nursing home so were suppose to be in good spirits for the residents to feel safe) I luckily was able to get another one of my mother's friend to help me. They allowed me to stay in a broken down camper from the 1970s if you wanted an idea of the model. And it ended up not having windows and was crawling with rats. These rats would eat, steal, crew anything of mine. They would run on me when I sleep, and I was just depressed. I tried therapy and it didn't go well at first when all of this started. But I found a therapist that would end up making me feel better. I looked forward in life a bit...until I was told one day they would be leaving. So then came the never ending cycle of trying to find a new one, one I felt worked. But it was never the same. My emotions were never gonna be the same they were when I first opened up to someone like I did the first time. Throughout all this, I ended up saving money. I went from having $0 to having $11,000 to my name. I felt so proud of myself, I was planning to take my DMV tests to help me to get a car and then life had other plans. Natural disaster after natural disaster. Fires, Wind, Ice...I ended up loosing so much money having to live out of hotels. And as soon as things started to mellow down, my mother gets robbed. Loses her car and a lot of what she owned. So I helped out, still seeking that security and love I was deprived. But never got what I was looking for in return. So I reached out to my father, someone I haven't seen in years. Hoping he would help. Sadly his solution was I should join the air force. Again wasn't what I was looking for... As time went on I end up getting a text from my ex. And this leads us talking and hanging out again. Things go well, I was finally getting to a point where I felt as if I was with someone who understood me. This lasted only so long. Before it went back to the way it was. My mother who wasn't being the best mother at this point stole my credit card and basically used all my money I had left. So I was back to where I was when I started. I didn't think I'd be at a point where I would be making another one of these posts today. But here I am. I definitely have changed from all this, I've done my fair share of suffering. I got a message from my ex today though, telling me about how she's engaged. That's something you don't really expect to see. I tell her how I'm happy for her, but she ends up going on a little tangent where I'm still a psychopath, how I ruined whatever we had together and how we were able to be friends, but never anything more than texting...I've know her for 7 years now. Dated a long time during that. She always made me happy, made me feel secure. She was always my silverling. But 2 years ago losing her was where this all started. She broke up with me and started dating this guy. His morals were there. But had tendencies to flip out and be horrible person. Her and I at this point still had feelings for each other, as the break up was still recent. But this guy kept spending time with her, until it got to a point where she was devoted to him. He talked to me about how I was invited to their wedding and could come visit them. I tried to take the high road at first but it didn't last. She kept inviting me to hangout with them and all they would do was flirt...so yea I wasn't happy. The guy and I started talking and he's telling me to move on, find religion and that she is all his. I couldn't take much more of that and told him what I really thought about him. And he freaked out and kept torturing me about it. How he was gonna marry her and ended up saying how if he ever saw me he would kill me. So ya, I go to her to talk to her about this and she sides with him and rest is history. Not really sure what to think. I loved her, still really care about her. She's at a point in life where she's doing what makes her happy. It doesn't feel right, anyone that knows her says so. But they continue to support her. And as much as it pains me, knowing everything and dealing with what I have at the same time. I try to suck it up and support her choice. She's an amazing person and someone who I know wants to be happy. I want her to be happy, and during all of this I'm going through I still try to support her and thank her for being a huge part of my life. Sometimes its just hard, hard to let go of those we love and care for.
