Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

[Ardy]

hello everyone

its currently 3am and Im being kept awake by my neighbours very loudly having breakup sex, which isnt relevant but is pretty funny imo.
a lot has happened recently. As I've mentioned here before, my boyfriend is doing a semester abroad. Its actually been going okay. I miss him tons, and the no sex part is p hard but we've been keeping in touch lots, we've been communicating, and we've been doing e-sex, which isnt my favorite thing but its something. I trust him a lot, more than I've ever trusted a partner before, but even then those old insecurities come creeping back up on me. Sometimes I genuinely dont understand why hes putting so much effort into this relationship. I dont feel like anything special, I dont see what I give him that any other girl couldnt. Im so glad he is btw, this is not a criticism of him obviously, but Im just overwhelmed by sadness and loneliness a lot, and its worse these past few weeks because I had to change therapists and I havent been able to find a new one yet and hes just been so loving and caring and supportive even though hes an entire continent away and Im just overwhelmed by love for him. But Im also overwhelmed by guilt. I've stopped as far as music is concerned. I dont want to do bands anymore, I dont want to have to deal with lead singers or petty fights or having a show go wrong because the drummer drank too much. Just before I quit my last band, we played a show in brooklyn, and it was one of the best nights of my life, but also just opened my eyes to how much I love playing live in spite of my band members, and not because of them. That said, I wanted to put out a solo album. But thats going slow, and its halted altogether recently as my depression has gotten worse. Adding to this, Im unemployed at the moment, living off savings and some money I scrap together by doing odd jobs and stuff. I've got stuff lined up in the future, as Im going to beginning working as a coder for a crypto firm in a couple weeks, but I dont know. It just makes me feel so guilty that my boyfriend is so amazing, and hes going to come back to a girlfriend who has no motivation or career prospects. It makes me feel awful to do that to him. But I genuinely cant seem to change on my own, and with the whole therapist fiasco I dont know what to do. I want to get better, but I dont know how, and I just seem to keep on getting worse. I dont even have a friend irl to talk to about this anymore. I've drifted apart from all my friends, or theyve drifted apart from me. It is my fault, for letting depression do that to me, but it doesnt make it any easier to bear, and Im just. so lonely sometimes. And I keep counting down the days until my boyfriend comes back, but dreading what he's gonna think of me when he does come back.

Thank you all for listening, goodnight and i love u

 

[antemortem]

hello everyone

its currently 3am and Im being kept awake by my neighbours very loudly having breakup sex, which isnt relevant but is pretty funny imo.
a lot has happened recently. As I've mentioned here before, my boyfriend is doing a semester abroad. Its actually been going okay. I miss him tons, and the no sex part is p hard but we've been keeping in touch lots, we've been communicating, and we've been doing e-sex, which isnt my favorite thing but its something. I trust him a lot, more than I've ever trusted a partner before, but even then those old insecurities come creeping back up on me. Sometimes I genuinely dont understand why hes putting so much effort into this relationship. I dont feel like anything special, I dont see what I give him that any other girl couldnt. Im so glad he is btw, this is not a criticism of him obviously, but Im just overwhelmed by sadness and loneliness a lot, and its worse these past few weeks because I had to change therapists and I havent been able to find a new one yet and hes just been so loving and caring and supportive even though hes an entire continent away and Im just overwhelmed by love for him. But Im also overwhelmed by guilt. I've stopped as far as music is concerned. I dont want to do bands anymore, I dont want to have to deal with lead singers or petty fights or having a show go wrong because the drummer drank too much. Just before I quit my last band, we played a show in brooklyn, and it was one of the best nights of my life, but also just opened my eyes to how much I love playing live in spite of my band members, and not because of them. That said, I wanted to put out a solo album. But thats going slow, and its halted altogether recently as my depression has gotten worse. Adding to this, Im unemployed at the moment, living off savings and some money I scrap together by doing odd jobs and stuff. I've got stuff lined up in the future, as Im going to beginning working as a coder for a crypto firm in a couple weeks, but I dont know. It just makes me feel so guilty that my boyfriend is so amazing, and hes going to come back to a girlfriend who has no motivation or career prospects. It makes me feel awful to do that to him. But I genuinely cant seem to change on my own, and with the whole therapist fiasco I dont know what to do. I want to get better, but I dont know how, and I just seem to keep on getting worse. I dont even have a friend irl to talk to about this anymore. I've drifted apart from all my friends, or theyve drifted apart from me. It is my fault, for letting depression do that to me, but it doesnt make it any easier to bear, and Im just. so lonely sometimes. And I keep counting down the days until my boyfriend comes back, but dreading what he's gonna think of me when he does come back.

Thank you all for listening, goodnight and i love u

I gotta say I have a roommate, an upstairs neighbor, and a next door neighbor that all have loud, rhythmic sex at sporadic times most days of the week, so I know what it’s like to not be able to focus or sleep lmao

Also glad you’re talking about this and I think it’s important. I’m not sure if this aligns perfectly with your relationship since my partner and I are open, but I’m in a long distance relationship of nearly 2 years and still have random waves of anxiety/paranoia about why they’re still with me, if I’m satisfying them enough emotionally, etc. Never-ending “what-ifs.” I usually talk myself away from that space by reminding myself how much I bring to a relationship—that goes for platonic relationships and familial btw—and if someone isn’t satisfied with me, they’ll me know. Or I can quite simply ask if my anxiety is that possessing.

You mention you don’t have a lot of motivation/career prospects, but let me blow your mind:

being an artist doesn’t fucking work like that

artists don’t always have prescribed schedules

artists don’t always know what your career outlook is on a long-term basis

your artistic inspiration comes in seasons and it’s probably better to embrace that rather than reject the reality of it

Obviously none of those ideas shake hands with capitalism and call it a day… I have to grind to make it in my city, so please don’t think I’m being tone deaf. All I’m trying to say is you deserve to be patient with yourself because you are an artist, and an artist that does want to drop a solo album, and an artist that will drop a solo album, but not if you think you’re a failure for not releasing it according to someone else’s expectations.

Just do that shit and if your boyfriend is worth anything, he’ll help you get there rather than anchor you to your insecurities.

Went to the gym yesterday, as the mask mandate in my area was lifted last weekend. This was a big goal for me cause I had really slacked on exercise throughout the pandemic, just doing the minimum for stress relief and not anything more. So basically, after a year and a half of no real HIIT type exercise, I am today finding out I have sore muscles in places that I had forgot existed. I also did not injure myself the first time back to the gym, which isn't that impressive at my age, but it was something I was anxious to avoid.

Welcome back to the gym, I gotta ask if it was nerve-wracking throwing yourself back into what’s usually a confined space with a lot of people you don’t know exerting? I’ve steered clear for the last couple of years for the same reasons as you and can still barely bring myself to being okay with entering one now, let alone spending an extended period of time.

 

[Myzozoa]

Welcome back to the gym, I gotta ask if it was nerve-wracking throwing yourself back into what’s usually a confined space with a lot of people you don’t know exerting? I’ve steered clear for the last couple of years for the same reasons as you and can still barely bring myself to being okay with entering one now, let alone spending an extended period of time.

I went around 3 pm in the afternoon, so the off hours. The gym I go to is p crowded most of the time, but in the late afternoon the main area I work out in is empty so I didn't find myself getting anxious or nervous about being around people. I felt more 'awkwardness' about being unsure about the protocols around using equipment and cleaning up after myself than any close quarters anxiety I think.

I don't know if I am actually okay with going to the gym, I tend to be v evidence based when it comes to things like pandemics, and I don't think the CDC, WHO, and many local governments have been responsible in the past when deciding if mask mandates should expire. But while I've been avoiding the gym to minimize my risk of spreading the virus I haven't been doing a good job dealing with stress physically, and so I'm thinking like "How long can I do this? I've been doing it a year and a half, and it's probably more risky for me and the people in my life for me to not go to the gym." and trying not to think about whether the 'nadir' of the virus in my area is real or not. Just being honest.

 

[Siggu]

I... don't know what, or why, but something's stressing me out. Since around last week, when I started a two-week vacation, I randomly feel my breathing getting heavier, my heart beating faster and a headache popping up, and just as it comes, it leaves.

I might be watching something as simple as a video to suddenly get the aforementioned feeling, and them disappearing without even going to do something else.

 

[fx]

I... don't know what, or why, but something's stressing me out. Since around last week, when I started a two-week vacation, I randomly feel my breathing getting heavier, my heart beating faster and a headache popping up, and just as it comes, it leaves.

I might be watching something as simple as a video to suddenly get the aforementioned feeling, and them disappearing without even going to do something else.

I am not a doctor by any means and am not qualified to give medical advice, but in my experience this sounds like a panic attack or at the very least the start of one. There's could be something in the back of your mind you are anxious about and, if you're like me, potentially avoiding. Do you know of anything that could be causing that feeling?

 

[antemortem]

I... don't know what, or why, but something's stressing me out. Since around last week, when I started a two-week vacation, I randomly feel my breathing getting heavier, my heart beating faster and a headache popping up, and just as it comes, it leaves.

I might be watching something as simple as a video to suddenly get the aforementioned feeling, and them disappearing without even going to do something else.

I am not a doctor by any means and am not qualified to give medical advice, but in my experience this sounds like a panic attack or at the very least the start of one. There's could be something in the back of your mind you are anxious about and, if you're like me, potentially avoiding. Do you know of anything that could be causing that feeling?

In addition to this possibility, if you started drinking caffeine or alcohol, or you ingest/smoke THC to any degree, your anxiety can randomly spike and you won’t even notice what’s happening. I had similar problems for a couple of weeks in January while I was neck-deep in a 6-week long production; I was drinking at least 1 and sometimes 2 coffees during the day and eating an edible at night to sleep, and I was having nightmares and at least 1 panic attack I can vividly remember… just before cutting off my caffeine intake LMAO

So just re-evaluate what’s going into your body, what things you might be repressing like fx mentioned… see where it takes you

 

[Mova]

Hello, until a few situations in class where I had breakdowns and one of my professors noticed, I wasn't sure where to get counseling from the university or how to handle it. Due to the uni being on spring break, I cannot get a hold of them right now. However, I'm not doing too bad in terms of grades, but I feel like I'm having a hard time being in class.

I have been forced into solitude on top of that, and even my family seems to despise me without remorse. I cannot move out until I graduate even though my parents are insisting I do if I defend myself from them badmouthing me. Should I stomach what they're saying or tell them to fuck off?

 

[Siggu]

In addition to this possibility, if you started drinking caffeine

More like having black tea for breakfast and afternoon snacks every day for... how long, 20 years?

Might have something to do...

 

[Keem]

Hello! I'm back to update my life after a series of events from yesterday,I'll keep it short because I don't want to make this a giant wall of text,so here goes: So yesterday my dad got mad at my sister for well not taking out the trash when she was working (she does virtual work) and he didn't tell me to do it because it was about 8:00 PM so it was pretty late and in the area we live at being a kid at night is basically a deathwish,he ended up hitting my sister for not taking out the trash and when my mom stepped in he hit her as well,that was her breaking point and since I don't want this to be a long post she kicked him out of the house in a nutshell and just about 2-3 hours me and my mom had a chat about my dad's behavior and how he was a hypocritical cheater and manipulator and just all around weird and abusive man (you will know why I called him weird if you have seen my last post before it got snapped) and my mom told me how he has hit her before and here cones the part where I wish I was never born. So before i was born my mom and dad were about to go their separate ways BUT I was born and like I said to keep this short i was very sad to hear that in a nutshell my mom could have been happy in her life if I was just never born I just feel guilty for my existence,but on the brightside I do feel happier he is gone he made me feel uncomfortable etc.


More: I know in my last post before it was snapped I made my sister look like the agonist of my life (and she still kinda is) but after she saw me be vulnerable and sad she was more lenient towards me and we have bonded since then. But after these events I just really wish I wasn't born my mother could have been so happy and wouldn't have to attempt to sustain all of the abuse just for me.

 

[ironwater]

Hello! I'm back to update my life after a series of events from yesterday,I'll keep it short because I don't want to make this a giant wall of text,so here goes: So yesterday my dad got mad at my sister for well not taking out the trash when she was working (she does virtual work) and he didn't tell me to do it because it was about 8:00 PM so it was pretty late and in the area we live at being a kid at night is basically a deathwish,he ended up hitting my sister for not taking out the trash and when my mom stepped in he hit her as well,that was her breaking point and since I don't want this to be a long post she kicked him out of the house in a nutshell and just about 2-3 hours me and my mom had a chat about my dad's behavior and how he was a hypocritical cheater and manipulator and just all around weird and abusive man (you will know why I called him weird if you have seen my last post before it got snapped) and my mom told me how he has hit her before and here cones the part where I wish I was never born. So before i was born my mom and dad were about to go their separate ways BUT I was born and like I said to keep this short i was very sad to hear that in a nutshell my mom could have been happy in her life if I was just never born I just feel guilty for my existence,but on the brightside I do feel happier he is gone he made me feel uncomfortable etc.


More: I know in my last post before it was snapped I made my sister look like the agonist of my life (and she still kinda is) but after she saw me be vulnerable and sad she was more lenient towards me and we have bonded since then. But after these events I just really wish I wasn't born my mother could have been so happy and wouldn't have to attempt to sustain all of the abuse just for me.

I'm sure your mother is more than happy to have you so don't feel that way. These family issues really suck, but I hope you'll feel better now Nez. Take care!

 

[Ema Skye]

Since my last post here (almost a year ago), I've started going to therapy regularly (beginning in November), and the experience has been life changing. I've had six or so sessions, including one today, and I feel through this experience, I am learning so much more about myself, while gaining the skills needed to recognize my triggers and understand neural pathways. If you are on the fence and can afford a therapist, I highly recommend it.

Therapy hasn't fixed my situation (TLDR: my professional life tanked after reason job loss, internalized it as my failure and ran away for half a year; personally, had a queer awakening while living with a highly religious family), and I didn't expect it to. I thought I'd be paying to cry on a guy's couch for an hour, but I feel almost like I'm taking a psychology course given everything I am learning about how the mind works. I leave their office every time feeling like I've put more pieces in a puzzle, like things are finally starting to make sense.

By the end of the first session, I had someone tell me that "things have been hard", which was the first time I have felt like anyone even tried to understand me. By the third, we had determined that I have C-PTSD, in addition to my other mental health history (anxiety, depression and probably ADHD, but that last one is for another time!), and yet despite this growing list, I don't feel a sense of shame about it, or a sense of lower self-worth, because this is who I am. Not to mention I am now completely sold on meditation as a mental health pillar, and will now be designating time in my day for it. If you want an app to try it out, I highly recommend Medito (and it's free!).

Today in session, I left feeling an immense sense of pride in myself, which I almost never experience. We did some exercises uncovering how I, despite my intense social anxiety, project collective errors or mistakes as solely my fault to absolve other people of guilt. Further, due to that social anxiety, I look for other options to make myself seem worthwhile to a group (such as being 'the funny one' or 'the smart one', because I was never 'the cool one') and change parts of myself or my personality to appear more desirable to other people, yet I thrive independently. Today I left feeling like a kickass human being because I am me and I am awesome, and I feel like I actually had some kind of inner awakening. Instead of hating this part about myself, I have an idea as to why it's a part of me and what I can do to tame it. One of my favorite books on anxiety, and mental health in general, is 'First, We Make the Beast Beautiful". The title draws from the Chinese proverb where a beast must be first appreciated before it can be tamed, and I feel like I am making my beast(s) beautiful by appreciating how much they contribute to who I am.

My only regret is that I didn't do this sooner, because you think of the stereotype of the therapist and it seems uncomfortable (amongst other words). But this stuff works, and I hope me sharping my experiences will hopefully help some of you make the decision, should you be able to afford it. I won't claim that it fixed me (because we are all works in progress, and never really become complete), but this is genuinely one of the best decisions I've made in my life.

 

[scorbunnys]

I know I posted before but I went through so much shit after it and like I just need a place to get everything out of my chest (I may regret it later but it's something I need to do)

Warning: addiction and mental health problems (ie: stress, anxiety), so it may be triggering for some

2021 was fucking shit, like the worst year of my life by far and this year ain't going well either.

First of all, I'd like to start w/ saying that anxiety's been such a nuisance (to say the least) for me like everything's in my head, and its just so nasty. One of my anxiety's reasons is school, like I always get high af grades, but this year school's been quite complicated for me since even tho I'm still getting quite high grades, but it's just so hard to focus on the class and I've had around 2-3 panic attacks this week due to exams and shit, like it's just so unreal.

One of my anxiety's reasons is school. I always get high af grades, but this year school's been quite complicated for me since even tho I'm still getting quite high grades. It's just so hard to focus on the class and I've had around 2-3 panic attacks this week due to exams and shit. It's just so unreal.

Then I've been also dealing with an addiction for years.

Honestly, I don't really remember how it started or anything, I was just a kid back that time (9-10, idr), it was just a way to escape from my familiar problems (my dad's verbally abusive and it's just such a controlling person, whereas my mom is like, the other way around, she's comprehensive and such a domineering person, but I just don't want to be a problem for her, she's got so many problems already...).

Fortunately, I was able to stay stable for some time when I was a kid (I was like 10/11 when I started to be stable to an extent), like I just got bored and didn't found it cool anymore (it's not btw), until something came up...

So one year ago, I got friendzoned, and like while it's probably not the worst thing in the world, I just started to get depressed, especially since my family situation was like a volcano (unstable af) and I was unable to deal with it, like lots of shit was going on and I fell into bad habits, and so I fell into the addiction again, this time I was 100% aware what I was doing was wrong, but I just was unable to stop for more than two days, it was just so bad and I honestly think this is such a hopeless situation.

I also have been recognizing myself as a pansexual person, I just found myself to be quite fluid overall and I don't care about gender at all to be fair, but outside my mom, my family's quite homophobic (my grandma keeps shit talking LGBTQ+ people and my dad just says stuff like "oh god look at the way he/she's dressed, she/he's so gay!", y'all know, stereotypes) and honestly, I just don't want to have a 3 hour convo just to have someone criticizing me (my dad/my grandma/both).

I've been receiving therapy lately, but I just don't know if my therapist will be receptive enough to support me and I'm not 100% sure whether she'll tell my parents (the therapist).

Honestly, all of this is a mess since it's not ordered or anything, but like w/e I just don't care anymore, but yeah please take care!

 

[Finchinator]

You guys have no idea how many times I have been typing up a draft in this thread only to get cold feet; accepting that I have struggled with a couple of mental issues has been really hard for me personally. Accepting the impacts they have had on me and sharing them has been even harder.

We live in a world where everything is seen relatively-- just on Smogon we constantly engage in discussions about the best players and teams among ourselves, the best Pokemon and strategies in the games, and so much more. Obviously this is just the very tip of the iceberg. Our community is a microcosm of the whole world in this sense. We all compare ourselves to others with our experiences and outcomes throughout life just like we do on here. Nobody is immune to it, especially not someone like myself.

And at times this can be an amazing motivator. You do something and see that someone else did better, so you set a loftier goal for yourself. At other times this can be a form of reassurance. You do something and see that you are among the best, so you feel confident.

There are also a lot of times where it goes the other way. For me, I see so many of my peers on here and in life encountering situations I cannot even begin to relate to -- having people deny their identities, not being allowed a fair opportunity at things that should be fundamental to existence, and plenty of the other awful things going on in the world right now. So as someone who has a much more fortunate set of circumstances and is quite privileged, I saw spaces like this and even the mere thought that my struggles warranted a more thorough personal investigation to be something I did not really deserve.

And reading this now is so twisted because obviously everyone needs to take care of themselves, seek help when it is needed, and do what makes them happy. But for whatever reason, I held myself back for the longest time -- I mean through 2018 I definitely just thought I got "sad" sometimes and did not make much more of it when I really should have been more questioning because I was not in-touch emotionally -- and it all came to a pretty explosive boiling point throughout late 2019-2020.

I struggle with a couple of mental issues, but most of them stem from the colder season each year impacting my outlook on life and subsequently some of my actions/attitude -- there's a lot to unpack, including some things even I have not fully figured out yet, but I think we're all works in progress. I am not going to give super specific details about my experiences because I have stopped doing that on here, but I will make the points I want to make as I see fit.

The last couple of years have been particularly tough due to health starting to fail my family (and family is everything to me, so seeing this happen and the fleeting sense of "family is forever" is a pretty substantial burden), the inability to access the world fully during what should be the peak years of my life (covid has been awful to pretty much everyone I'm sure), and adjusting from the college lifestyle to working full-time (think we're all unique here, but obviously it's a major shift in lifestyle). I could have made things easier on myself by accepting the fact that I had problems earlier in my young adult life and seeking help before when I did, but I strung it along and denied it for the bulk of college and by the time I actually got professional help the pandemic was on our doorstep. Thankfully I have a supportive family and a good core of IRL (and a few on here) friends who are there for me and honestly this has allowed for me to figure out how I react to things, what I can do to control my own narrative, and really just maximize my happiness when possible and coping when not.

As of late, things have been particularly rough tbh. There have been a slew of health issues to those close to me IRL that, for a month or two, kept me down. I really just could not progress in life as much as I wanted to until I felt like I was able to focus fully on myself, which I really could not until I knew things were going to be ok (or, in an instance, not ok, but outside of my control). Things like this had me very paranoid every time I got a call from my parents/household/grandparents that something went very wrong. Living like that really is not a very healthy thing to do and the stress builds a ton. It also made my sleeping issues pop back-up again intermittently -- I have had stress-induced insomnia for the bulk of three years now, averaging anywhere from 3h-5h of sleep a night when it was really hitting me. Ever since I have been more active with work, it got a bit less bad, but there are still stretches, like earlier this year, where it really can mess me up mentally and physically.

My main ways of avoiding the stress come through being productive because I love involving myself and I am a workhorse pretty much everywhere I go. IRL work has been a godsend for me at times because I am advancing my career/making money while also putting myself to the task, but sometimes the environment has been negative or I have received only critical feedback rather than positive feedback when I have been among the best in my position (which is just a testament to a subpar working climate at times) and that really brought me down as well when it was kind of my escape from all of the worry I carried around me elsewhere.

Overall, that's been a net positive just because I end up making it pretty hard to come to a negative conclusion with how much work I put in and the outcomes that come from it, but a lot of the time I wish it was not so tedious in the same vein. I don't know really -- there's a lot to it and that can be said for a lot of things that are worthwhile in life I feel, but without my work I would be going absolutely nuts a lot of the time, so I'm glad it is consistently there for me when I need a distraction at least.

And then there's Smogon, which is my true getaway from IRL's good and bad. Smogon has been my rock for years. I have loved it on here so much and I have made a ton of amazing friends that I want to keep for a long time, but it's also very true that Smogon has taken a major toll on me at times (mentally). I work my ass off regularly for virtually no physical benefit -- it has derailed countless weekends, important IRL experiences, and even made me lose focus during IRL work when pressing matters come up, but I know that I am contributing to something larger than myself, I know that I enjoy a lot (like seriously so much) of the work, and I know that I get satisfaction from making that difference. It's really tough because a lot of what I enjoy the most has been tethered to some of the more tedious, lose-lose aspects of things, too.

At the end of the day, my work on Smogon is truly one of the things I am most proud of because I can help better a large community with thousands of people from across the world that are brought together by one common characteristic -- being able to improve the experience of thousands of hobbyists is actually super rewarding when you get the job done. Being able to bring my contributions above-and-beyond with things like hosting the charity bowl, overseeing money tournaments, and so many other forms of community leadership I engage in will always be worthwhile to me. You can like me or not, but I have been and largely still am that guy around here in some spaces (obviously there's a whole network of amazing people that fit that description and this is not to take away from them, but I am not one to hide from the degree that I am involved) and that is not changing because I running OU so much and my recent involvements with tournaments have stirred up a ton of passion in me -- these are things I deem to be good investments of my time.

But all of this comes with far too much turmoil, borderline harassment, and negativity that has spiked recently and that is actually problematic for me (and many, many others in this community). It's been really upsetting seeing people seriously invested in the community (trolls will be trolls -- they're easy to spot and ignore) resort to blatant concern trolling that oftentimes fizzles into outright rudeness/insults, expecting top-notch professionalism from volunteers when there has never been professionalism in the arena previously, and just being outright negligent of dozens of hours worth of thankless contributions for the sake of making an offensive joke or driving home a largely uninformed narrative that (especially when the hivemind backs it without any deeper grasp on situations). Like not a single person who has been this way would ever dare act even close to this way IRL, but suddenly keyboard warriorship enables a secret extra gear of assholery that comes alongside no remorse? This concept alone bothers me, but it in practice has absolutely taken a toll on me both firsthand and secondhand.

This isn't just being said about/for me either as I have seen so many leaders, hosts, etc. be the subject of outright harassment in plain sight and so many people are just ok with this being the reality? Like holy shit this is disgusting and honestly I have been complacent to this myself for years until I realized the severity of the problem a while after I got OUTL -- the fact that it took me being in the driver's seat to realize this is actually something that bothers me about myself in all honesty, so I am sorry for that to my predecessors. And then there are the people who come at me to quit at every possible mention because I am enabling the current state of the community through this or not protesting for contributors to be compensated or not fighting for their specific reform in the community -- like why should I sacrifice what I enjoy for the sake of taking your stand? Some people just have things so backwards and their issues should not be what holds me back, but my state has absolutely made that the case and I am beyond sick of it. Overall, it's a shame that this place has had a negative impact on my own mental state at times (even though yes, it is without doubt still a net positive and I love what I do when it is not dealing with this nonsense) and I can only imagine the impact it has had on countless others, too.

Recently I have begun ignoring/not responding to a lot of things I previously did to cut out this nonsense and focus on what I really do enjoy -- it has been working absolute wonders. While I am still present, I view transparency from me as a privilege rather than a right and I view accessibility as something I can give out given my own feelings rather than supply on demand. Just basic stuff like going offline on discord and being a bit more distant/noncommittal in certain interactions has also gone a long way. Obviously I have a lot to offer and I want to offer it because I am having fun far more often than not, but when the "not" is happening and it is eroding away at my wellbeing, that's a problem and I need to remedy it, so this is my honest (and so far, successful) attempt at doing so.

At times I've definitely felt trapped between shortcomings in my experience with IRL work and on here while I was trying to escape from constant fear with other things in my IRL situation -- January was a really rough month for me in particular. But since then some of my family members have gotten better or situations have stabilized, even if they have not done so where I wanted them to. I am still not really at 100%, but I have a lot to look forward to IRL and even on here that's definitely helped.

I just worry about getting swept up in the same whirlwind of negativity again and struggling to find my way out -- shit always has potential to go bleak, but I am cautiously optimistic for the time, especially as the world opens up a bit and it approaches warmer season, which tends to lend me a bit more perspective. I am really going to try to hammer down some boundaries and focusing a lot more on myself/what brings me happiness rather overall, but this is a long process that I have been behind the curve on historically, so hopefully with more time/effort that can change. Moving forward I am positive and hopeful, but I still have tempered expectations -- we shall see.

 

[emma]

this is not an AFD prank; i am actually stepping down from roa leader because simply put i am depressed as fuck. my mental health has been very volatile since the middle of february and it is now april. kept saying id wait to make a decision until i feel better but its been two weeks since i initially starting thinking about stepping down and i do not feel better in the slightest lol. my mental wellbeing is such a roller coaster - half the time i feel fine enough (usually while activity doing something like class or schoolwork (its depressing to say that doing not fun tasks and not having fun is when i feel the least bad lol)) and then the other half i am hardly a functional human being. i am trying to keep it together enough for school + other irl obligations which is already p hard and i absolutely not able to keep it together for anything smogon. when things go south for me smogon stuff is always the first to go and things have been south for a month and a half and i do not see it stopping soon lol. i rly cannot commit to anything on this website (leading, contributing, playing in tournaments) because one sec im fine and then the next i am sitting in my bed for two hours wishing i could be happy again.

this website has been p bad lately and honestly giving back to it is literally sabotaging myself lol. let alone i dont like playing pokemon anymore and now that this is actively making me upset continuing to put effort into contributing is like stabbing myself in the eyes lol. i am depressed, i dont like playing pokemon, and this website sucks -- being roa leader is simply not the move anymore lol. sorry i couldnt deliver when u entrusted me but i cant do it anymore :|

not sure what the plan is from here. i usually like talking to my friends but i only rly have like 3 close friends rn and all i do half the time is talk about how i am sad which nobody rly wants to hear constantly. im usually pretty busy and then when i have free time i have no idea what to do which just sucks so bad lol maybe i need some new hobbies.

just gonna try to log off for a bit -- hopefully i will be mentally stable enough to commit to playing in scl but who fucking knows lol. hopefully things lighten up in the summer without classes but knowing me im gonna waste all my free time being sad and then im going to hate myself even more. dont have any positivity to end on lol; ig it cant possibly be this bad forever and eventually i will feel like less garbage lol. cya around.

 

[faint]

tonight im gonna get buzzed and chill. hope everyone has a nice friday night.

 

[Mova]

Hello, until a few situations in class where I had breakdowns and one of my professors noticed, I wasn't sure where to get counseling from the university or how to handle it. Due to the uni being on spring break, I cannot get a hold of them right now. However, I'm not doing too bad in terms of grades, but I feel like I'm having a hard time being in class.

I have been forced into solitude on top of that, and even my family seems to despise me without remorse. I cannot move out until I graduate even though my parents are insisting I do if I defend myself from them badmouthing me. Should I stomach what they're saying or tell them to fuck off?

update on this situation: i guess i should stomach when they go back to badmouthing me. despite that, i've been feeling my best in a long time, even after going through a surgery on the hand i use!

 

[antemortem]

update on this situation: i guess i should stomach when they go back to badmouthing me. despite that, i've been feeling my best in a long time, even after going through a surgery on the hand i use!

So I can’t give you any therapeutical advice of course, but my therapists and I have always agreed that it’s best to seek some sort of assistance before it reaches a crisis point, i.e prevention > treatment mindset. If you know that the things your family will say will contribute to an emotional dogpile you’re already working through or anxious about potentially working through, don’t let yourself get to that point! Especially if help is at your fingertips.

That being said… if you know that saying something to them in response will put you in danger, take it on the chin until you feel safe. Wait until you get therapy or another form of assistance to figure out how to effectively set boundaries.

You know how to get set up with some sort of aid through your university now, right? Hopefully that’s already in motion…

More: I know in my last post before it was snapped I made my sister look like the agonist of my life (and she still kinda is) but after she saw me be vulnerable and sad she was more lenient towards me and we have bonded since then. But after these events I just really wish I wasn't born my mother could have been so happy and wouldn't have to attempt to sustain all of the abuse just for me.

You’re not responsible for what your parents decided to do before you were born. You didn’t ask to be born, you didn’t ask to be raised by both of them/for your dad to stay, so on and so forth. People fuck up and try to fix their mistakes, and maybe your parents were trying to make something work for your sake. You never know peoples’ intentions and cannot blame yourself for anything that’s happened in their lives, because they had entire lives before you were born that lead up to all the decisions made to give birth to you, keep you, raise you, etc. You belong here just as much as they do.

 

[Fishy]

yesterday i signed up for a gym again with lowlights and i made my body feel like jelly

i also slept for 9 hours!! that was super nice

i'm starving right now but i can't help buzzing a little on how improved my general mood is today, despite different instances of SLICING some jerks out of my life recently. i love lifting or moving heavy stuff and reaping the benefits, which includes those for my braaaain. which rly needs food

 

[Mova]

So I can’t give you any therapeutical advice of course, but my therapists and I have always agreed that it’s best to seek some sort of assistance before it reaches a crisis point, i.e prevention > treatment mindset. If you know that the things your family will say will contribute to an emotional dogpile you’re already working through or anxious about potentially working through, don’t let yourself get to that point! Especially if help is at your fingertips.

That being said… if you know that saying something to them in response will put you in danger, take it on the chin until you feel safe. Wait until you get therapy or another form of assistance to figure out how to effectively set boundaries.

You know how to get set up with some sort of aid through your university now, right? Hopefully that’s already in motion…

The surgery was a separate issue from any aggression at home: a cyst on my wrist looked gross and was difficult to hide, so this was something I planned out for two years. It just so happens that I've had more of my heart into my work when I temporarily lost my hand, expecting to be out of commission.

In regards to the home situation itself, I have been stomaching any disrespect they give to me based on assumed gender. I've been doing fine otherwise.

 

[antemortem]

yesterday i signed up for a gym again with lowlights and i made my body feel like jelly

i also slept for 9 hours!! that was super nice

i'm starving right now but i can't help buzzing a little on how improved my general mood is today, despite different instances of SLICING some jerks out of my life recently. i love lifting or moving heavy stuff and reaping the benefits, which includes those for my braaaain. which rly needs food

How have the last few days since you started affected your mental?? If you can even tell the difference yet that is

The surgery was a separate issue from any aggression at home: a cyst on my wrist looked gross and was difficult to hide, so this was something I planned out for two years. It just so happens that I've had more of my heart into my work when I temporarily lost my hand, expecting to be out of commission.

In regards to the home situation itself, I have been stomaching any disrespect they give to me based on assumed gender. I've been doing fine otherwise.

What’s this work you had to adapt to without your hand?

 

[Adeleine]

musings and such, a bit stream-of-consciousness, but hopefully pretty lucid, but i've been known to talk in riddles. hidetagged due to being longo

every so often i think about coming back here to post. i usually don't do it, as evidenced by the, uh, lack of posts. i grasp onto some truth that could be useful or fun to share, but then it becomes ingrained and sticks out in my mind less as i move onto the next thing. but this time i'll actually post. prolly. given that i'm writing here, it seems pretty likely, and all this uncertain text will feel kinda silly assuming i actually do post. poster moment.

speaking of "moving onto the next thing", for a long time i've been looking for the answer of who i am. on my best day, it's someone euphorically happy with the life she's living. and on my worst, it was someone who felt so distanced from the world that she had to consciously choose continued existence. but both of these answers are only describing the contexts and details surrounding who i am. they aren't the real answer.

i've thought a lot about this and will give one momentary mulling among many. they say culture doesn't feel weird when you're in it, and my above contextualization of finding my identity may suffer from the same lack of outside perspective. who says there has to be one real answer? who says i have to know it? who says i can know it? i have assumed these parameters to be true, but why?

the theme that keeps coming back to me in my self-analysis is vulnerability. it's something i struggle a lot with. i have a hard time accepting my vulnerability to other people in particular. when i do acknowledge vulnerability and it's a good kind (think like comfort), i sometimes desperately try to maximize the sense of... that role? of belonging? something or other. and when it's a bad kind of vulnerability, it cuts me up inside like nothing else.

a big takeaway i've found is that i've been repressing myself real real deep for a long time, and with one visible motive: not burdening other people with having to deal with me. it sounds like a silly mental paradigm when i spell it out like that in a vacuum, but it's one i haven't been able to dispel, and there's reason for that. part of the reason is my eccentricity: those of you familiar with me may understand i'm an odd sort, if you haven't grasped it from this very post. but even that understanding exists after my unconscious and sometimes conscious self-repression. i seem to often end up as an "outcast among outcasts" so to speak. for a simpler and lower-stakes example (i'm acutely aware gender and sexual identity is not everything and am only providing one example), i consider my gender identity somewhere between female and demigirl, my sexual identity ace but definitely gray-ace, and my romantic identity pan/omni but heavily leaning lesbian. being queer is already unusual, but even within that sphere i occupy complicated and divergent positions on gender/sexual/romantic identity. and i'm still leaving out critical details that make the first two in particular considerably more complex. (as one might guess, finding people i deeply relate to/would consider role models is/was a heck of a challenge.)

observations can be made on that specific situation and the broader reality, that of me being "abnormal", it underpins. am i overly valuing rigid labels, out of a desire for stable structure or out of not knowing any better? is it healthy and/or sincere to use "different" as a significant part of one's identity? does the thought of abandoning stable structure, past habits, or a self-identification of "different" make me "vulnerable" in ways i'm not comfortable with? i've certainly thought about these questions. but i've also thought of questions that might be even better. like: what are the root of these situations?

one that has jumped out to me is my relation to religion. right now, i'd put myself somewhere along the lines of theist or deist, but i used to be a real for sure protestant christian as a kid, it being how i was raised and all. i didn't grow up in some intense fundy household. my parents are pretty liberal, and while my grandmother is real fundie, we all are aware of it and in disagreement. still, my past experience with religion shows ways in which my head got messed up, whether caused by the religion or no. i was a real literal kid, so the conceit of christianity as i knew it was "believe in jesus = good result after death, being a good person means wanting good outcomes for others, so being a good person means wanting others to believe in jesus." those of you familiar with these brain traps might recognize this as an extremely detached and impersonal way of defining "good person". this definition comes in part from a place of empathy, of wanting good for others, but it only actualizes that empathy on a surface level. all that matters is just changing one opinion in a person's head, not getting to know them or forming deep bonds or nothing.

as i said, i'm not necessarily saying this dangerous root is religion's fault. those weaknesses might've been where my head went regardless of religion. as kids, we don't know as much about the world, ourselves, and interacting as others, yeah? we make mistakes, all that jazz, and this is the sort of mistake that literal, precocious, well-meaning, and flawed kid me would make. still, this open-mindedness about my own role doesn't mean i'm not bitter about the idea of shallow interpersonality and the warped self-role that took root in my mind. there's this webcomic i like where a kid who got raised real fundy starts to learn the flaws in her conception of the world, and at one point she goes something like "it's like i got raised wrong on purpose, as some sort of cruel joke". i don't feel like i got raised wrong, on purpose or otherwise. no parents are perfect, but i have a lot to thank mine for. and yet, that statement really made me stop and relate to something pretty hard: not to being raised wrong, but to starting out on a wrong foot in a way, whatever the cause of that may be. i've made a lot of strides in my interpersonality and communication and self-understanding, but it's been painfully clear i've been fighting against a history of weakness in these areas, and there is still a ton of room for improvement.

having to dig in and improve from this weaker self-position reminds me of another reason, besides eccentricity, behind my difficulties with avoiding repression and accepting vulnerability. sometimes, interacting with others is the only way to improve these weaknesses, yet while you interact with them, you expose them to your weaknesses. in those cases where i've been willing to make myself vulnerable, i've oftentimes felt been less socially competent or thoughtful or wise than others, which has caused friction and hurt, and that's not even getting into serious failures of mine. as i've become more socially aware, understanding how my weaknesses affect others has often made me feel inferior and anxious. it's my responsibility to be socially competent when having serious social interactions, and what does that say about me if i'm a liability who can't pull their own basic weight, am i right?

but that's a bit overly pessimistic, isn't it? i've come to believe so. growing is good, and accidental pain to others is a pretty unavoidable part of life. further, i have things people like about me, given that sometimes people talk to me more than one time! i won't embody all of these desired attributes at once, but i can make a positive difference in others' lives in more ways than explicit sacrifices with the explicit purpose of helping them. being myself can be enough, so long as i don't use that as cover to avoid responsibility for my smaller and serious failures, and i acknowledge that continual improvement on my weaknesses is part of who i am.

still, though, i must be careful of framing "being myself" as something that can be valuable to other people. just like everyone on this earth, my existence has inherent value of its own, and i'm the only one who can truly let it flourish. ugh, i'm still talking in this detached-morality coating–see how pervasive this stuff gets? anyway. i'm getting kinda tired of compromising how i feel about myself in reaction to what's "normal", what draws attention for deviating from what's expected. i know that even this compromise has potential for quite "abnormal" behavior, but i'm fed up with how much i'm compromising myself. i'm getting deeper and deeper looks into parts of myself i never would've accepted or actualized this much a mere couple of years ago, and internalizing and actualizing these parts makes me feel just so happy. i'm not going to give that up, and i'm not going to give up chasing more.

if anything jumps out to you here, feel free to engage or ask me questions here and in discord... i just can't promise i'll respond. it might be too personal, i may not enter the right mood for good talking about it, or i might just be too drained and busy. nothing personal, i promise. if you're close, i'll of course respond, but no pressure for you or anyone else to reach out, sincerity mode, i genuinely do feel good about the future

a bonus question for making it this far: Will You Snail?

 

[Fishy]

How have the last few days since you started affected your mental?? If you can even tell the difference yet that is

i've become more focused on stuff that makes me feel good, like the buzz after exercising, but especially i've been able to hmmm... let it ride, as it were. easier to shift focus from stuff that isn't serving me NOW

and ive been eating a LOT
more than anything i love the feeling of soreness, it's tangible proof that i put some serious effort into using my body in different ways, and that acts as a feedback loop of good mental feelings about how i've treated my body and why that makes me happy!~~

 

[AJ]

little rant

Hi again, I'm Drew! and im actually saying fuck it to punctuation bc im lazy. last time i was here this thread was called depression. i appreciate the name change bc mental health is so much more than just depression. this thread title is nice and inclusive and just radiates better vibes imo.

so ive been dealing with depression and anxiety for a long time but i just suffered through it and didnt reach out for help. but then this crazy thing happened and i got a girlfriend which is my first serious relationship. and its honestly shocking how different your life gets when you have someone who loves and cares about you (that isnt your parents) glued to your hip 24/7. so now im going to seriously get in therapy this summer. i also just started taking anti depressants (took my second pill just now)

this shit is scary af. yes im trying to take better care of my mental health but its really scary. like what if it doesnt work? what if i dont improve? ive has some pretty serious depressive episodes where i've gone borderline suicidal. i just feel so low and sad like im just sinking in a pit of gooey sadness and shit. it fucking sucks. i just want to feel better and i hope i do.

ive almost broken up with my girl a few times and i dont know if its bc im depressed or bc the relationship isnt good. i love her but were long distance and that causes so many communication errors and fights. were living together this summer so hopefully we make it through stronger otherwise its over. weve been together 8 months and theres been a lot of highs and lows but its been overall a great experience. highly recommend a significant other to hold you accountable and make you better.

i really hope i improve. and i dont think im gonna hurt myself or end my life. i think its all uphill from here, i hope. anyway just briefly checking in. i hope all yall are doing fantastic and i love every single one of you. i love this community bc, for the most part, everyone is very accepting of everyone no matter any of their life decisions. were a huge melting pot of racial and gender identities and were just living life and playing pokemon. hell yeah to that brother

peace out folks <3

 

[Blaze]

Hey I’m back again and I’m doing much better than I have been before. I am taking medication for my depression but I feel I’m getting to the point where I may not need it soon. It took awhile but I feel I'm finally starting to find peace. Some pain still never go away but that’s ok because it’s part of life and that’s what I’m starting to realize. I do feel the worst is behind me and I will keep pushing and face whatever challenges ahead. Thanks for reading :)

 

[NaboGaming]

I have no friends, other than online friends. at school, i feel shunned, invisible, forgetable, unimportant. everyone else has at least 1 friend, except for me. nobody comes up to me, wants to talk to me. the most i get is a "hi" in the middle of the hallway. i need help, and i need to talk about this, so please...