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Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread
- Thread starter Rollout Shuckle
- Start date
The implicit question of how to have good mental health while accepting reality for what it is is a good one, one I'm still fighting with. I'll post some of my developing answers. Maybe you'll find them useful, maybe you won't.
1) I believe that life is usually worth living, and that most lives have much good in them, even if they also have much suffering. In devoting ourselves to understanding reality, we should devote ourselves to understanding the evil and the good, and both parts can be legitimately difficult to cogitate over and accept. Reconciling these is hard–part of what this process entails is having some good mental days and some bad mental days, I think. But a valuable lighthouse to me is that I'd rather have a world with human life than one without that, because so much goodness does spring from humanity, and from so many having the chance to live.
2) I'm not going to stop the presence of (all) evil in the world. Logistically, it's not in my power anyway, and that can be valuable in it's own right to learn, but it's not my main point. Even if I could consign myself to the hypothetical infinite torture matrix in exchange for destroying evil, I wouldn't do it. It's not fair or right to expect someone to abnegate to such an extreme extent, to destroy themselves, for anything. I have a nasty streak of self-abnegation, and it made me realize I didn't value my life and myself enough. (My refusal to demand self-destruction goes both ways – if someone is suffering so horribly enough, and they had the choice to end the world and free themselves from pain or do nothing, I (hopefully) wouldn't judge them for picking the first option. As I am not suffering to that extent, it is important for myself to acknowledge what's fair for people in position, too.)
3) Regardless of what the correct way to understand and process the world is, I acknowledge there is hope inside me that is just part of who I am. Even when the world gave me the most suffering, that remained true, and that hope was a huge part of what saved me. Even in a world where atrocities do take place, I'm going to smile sometimes–again, not always–and I am slowly learning to accept that.
The reason why a lot of people "need" online communities in order to have some sort of emotional understanding of themselves is because connection and attachment are vital to humans. People cannot survive without some sort of attachment to someone or something- hence why online communities can be addictive. Addictions form from the basis of coping mechanisms that have become maladaptive. Since we humans need connection and attachment to survive, a lot of people place the attachment onto online communities where it is possible to meet many people within minutes. Think about how easy it is to join a Smogon Discord server and instantly start chatting about the recent tier shifts, or how easy it is to check on your groups of Smogon friends and join in on posting memes with them. On one hand, you have connection and attachment being a need for humans to survive, and on the other hand you have platforms who give those exact two things extremely easily. This is the equation of why a lot of people tend to use online communities to fill these needs, but over time they can become maladaptive.
Social skills are indeed a skill. Much like any other skill they need to be trained and practiced. If you go on a date and say the wrong thing to them, then they can easily just cut you off. Someone approaches you in real life and says that he likes your shirt, but you have no idea what to say back to him. Thanks? No, that's too bland. I like your shirt too! Nah, I don't actually like his shirt- I think it's actually quite ugly. I got it from Target! Nah, there's no way he actually wants to know where I got it from, he's probably just saying it to be nice or something. There are tons of ways to socialize with people in real life, but in general it is a lot more complicated compared to online where you don't even need to respond to something if you don't feel like it- you can just close Discord or Smogon and respond another time. Having social skills in real life is extremely hard and anyone who tells you otherwise has had years and decades of experience with it. Subsequently, people who only rely on online communities to fulfill the need of connection and attachment will have their social skills atrophy in real life just like how you would lose your gains if you stopped going to the gym and started eating McDonalds every day. This is what I mean by social skills being an actual skill that people should not take for granted. It takes practice to become good at interacting with people and being a good conversationalist in real life.
To answer your question, I personally do not think that people who are attracted to online communities are social misfits just because they use platforms like Smogon and Discord to feel a sense of belonging. The truth is you are only really a social misfit if you label yourself as one and act accordingly by isolating yourself in the real world. In real life, everyone has their individual quirks just like how your friends on Smogon and Discord are different too. Everyone is unique, or in other words, fucking weird- and that's OK. Part of why interacting with people in real life is also learning that we are all, well, fucking weird, and taking pride in that. No one is normal. Everyone has done something stupid and has problems. Everyone has likes, dislikes, and preferences. Developing social skills in real life takes time and practice and finding your circle can be harder compared to online communities where theres a lot less pressure. However, the basis for good social skills is to be comfortable inside your own skin. You need to develop a strong sense of self and take pride in just being you to interact with people in real life. And as long as you're a good guy, the people who matter aren't going to rag on you for no reason.
At the end of the day online friends are a good form to fulfill the connection and attachment need somewhat, but it's hard for them to fulfill that need completely because they just aren't physically with you in real life. Online friends can be great and trustworthy, but you need to find places that you belong in real life as well.
If I were you, I would start by being there for yourself and loving yourself. Try to be kind to yourself and take pride in who you are. You'll eventually find people you mingle with in real life just like you do in Smogon even if they aren't the people you hang around right now.
Because:
This in particular, not knowing who you are, highlights the exact root of the problem of these questions:
None of the answers to the questions matter because they're not things you can control. The only things you can control in this world are to try as hard as you can and to control the things that you can control like your mental and physical health as well as supporting your loved ones. You can't control whether or not your friends secretly hate you even though you desperately want to. You can't control whether or not life has any meaning besides duty, you can't control whether or not this is even real. But this is the thing, you don't need to know the answer to these questions to start building a fulfilling life- one in which you put meaning into. And the ironic thing is that life just does not have any overarching meaning because we are just human and that's all we ever will be, and in order to have meaning in our lives, we have to use our values to guide us to create them.
I find that we don't figure out who we are by doing things and entering situations that we might fit into, we figure out who we are by trying again and again to get the things we personally want and to take pride in learning even when things don't work out. Let your values guide you and ask the warm thing inside your chest what it wants. That is your humanity. We do not need to be doing something to have an identity, we are human beings and have an identity by just existing. To put it into perspective, the scientific answer as to why literally any of us exist is just sex.
What you are going through sounds like depression. There are diagnoses of depression in the DSM-5 you can look up, but apathy and lack of empathy are two common side effects of the condition. I would take some time off and look into why you are depressed because depression is usually a result of people not being their true selves. Finding a place of belonging in real life just as you have done on Smogon may be harder, but it is far from impossible and starts with you reclaiming your identity as a person who exists and has every right to do so. Keep in mind you don't have to cut off your Smogon friends in order to find fulfillment in real life, you can maintain a good balance and be happy with both online and real life friends. However staying off Smogon for a while to rebuild your life may be the right thing to do if it is sapping too much time and energy that could be used for other, more urgent things at the moment. Smogon and its people will always be there for you when you are better.
The path to recovery and building a better life is not easy at all and can be one of the hardest things you will do in your life. Sometimes you will have great days, sometimes you will have not-so-good days. Remember that even on days where you feel down and hopeless, it will pass. In the end, even if today wasn't the greatest, start striving for a better tomorrow by doing what you can.
You're a blessed soul, nothing in life can hurt you more than your own thoughts.
And ofcourse you're real friends can be found online, speaking for myself ive literally traveled across the world with people i've met on the internet.
Hope you reach out if you need to,
Bless
Hi. I'd like to put some baggage down, but also to give some advice for people who've had something like what I've gone through happen, and to not repeat my mistakes(probably not the best advice or the most unique, but it's something at least). It's probably incoherent, but maybe that's how venting works. Also, this will discuss suicide, and a whole lot of grief.
It's been about a year since my friend committed suicide. Now, I've known this person since 7th grade when I moved to where I live now. And not only was this in the beginning of high school, it was only about 2 months in freshman year. I remember having a lot of guilt. Guilt of seeing the signs, yet not doing enough to save her, or not being the best friend to her(I'm not exactly a saint), or just letting things get as bad as it did. It was a lot, especially when I wasn't even 15. Plus, I sort of did have feelings for her(she liked my friend, so I never decided to tell her, though she at least knew about my feelings for her, and just never reciprocated. Only learned that part a couple of weeks ago). Months went by, and you could say I had gone obsessed in a way. It was really bad, especially with my only ok grades, and being in my brother's shadow didn't help. I had lost control in 9th grade, especially since I had classes with her. One was math(sat right next to her), and my language class(there used to 3 students, but it became 2 students including me). By the end of the year, I was mentally exhausted, and just not in the right headspace(just a reminder, drinking alcohol is really bad. Trust me, it's not your friend). I saw many people just not care, or make jokes over it, and I sorta...gave up I guess. To be fair, there were like 4-5 deaths that year overall, so maybe people were too busy thinking about other stuff. It was hard, seeing everyone move on so easily, so I figured there was just something wrong with me. So I kept my goofy silly facade up, not only for them, but for myself in a way, so I wouldn't go completely coo coo for cocoa puffs.
During summer break, my dad got me into working out, like going to the gym and stuff. He even got coaches for me to work along with. At first, I was relatively reluctant. But overtime, I started to be a lot more excited to go to the gym, even if I wasn't the strongest or getting ripped, I was at least happier than before(when you hit rock bottom, you can only really go up). I started to get into my hobbies, like my violin, and video games(I think that's why I've loved this community, it made me feel at home almost). Travelling with family to Japan was really nice as well. I managed to take a lot of pictures on that trip(it helps with stress), and having really good food(crab will always be the GOAT).
Then, around July, my grandmother, who already had dementia, died from something in her lungs. I figured that I would be apathetic, but turns out, it really did some stuff. But after the funeral and all that, I conquered that grief, and I felt...relieved? It's an odd feeling, but I wasn't depressed, so that was neat.
Now that school has started, sophomore year has been a lot better. My classes are fun, and I enjoy being with my classmates. Rugby has been really nice to practice for, and I've genuinely smiled after practice with satisfaction. Now that a year has passed, I'm not crying or grieving like I was. But now, I'm someone who's silly and unhinged yeah, but also kind, and hopeful.
I'm noticing how long this message is so I'm gonna try to keep my advice short and concise. If anyone has gone or is going through what I have, DON'T LOSE HOPE. There will be a way out I promise you. I don't want anyone to feel like they need a bottle, or something else to keep them distracted. Maintain the mindset that there's always another shot, and hang onto hope, you'll really need it sometimes when times are rough. When you have time, EXPLORE YOURSELF. Find or refine hobbies, go to the gym, just find something that'll keep you motivated to do something. Even if there's little results, even if it fails, you still did something that you felt was important enough to do, and that might be good enough. Another thing, BE WITH FRIENDS. I can not emphasize enough how important that is. Being with people and just having a laugh or two may be all you or someone else needed. As long as you're honest with them, and have a safe space, there will be results I can't quantify, but it will be apparent. TAKE THINGS AT YOUR OWN PACE. At least for me, I never really got the chance to really rest and fully move on, since school really decided to move at a breakneck pace, it was hard for me to truly get over everything while there were tests and homework to study and work for. For this though, I advise that people find their own ways of coping, and to see what fits for their needs. DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO BLAME YOURSELF. I swear, I should've learned this way before than I did. It's ok to feel guilty or regret, but it's not ok when you start to have that guilt be your only guide in life. Take the time to reflect on yourself. Even if you could've done something more, you don't have to feel like it's your fault. At the end of the day, you weren't the one that made them do what they did, and they would not want you to feel that way at all.
As of now, I've been contemplating doing something in the psych field. Be it psychologist, psychiatrist, psycho whatever. I made a promise with myself that I'd get all the requirements I needed, and that I'd help at least one person, to empower them, to give hope, so I can look to before, and feel that I made my friend proud, and I'm not giving up now.
If anyone has finished reading through this whole tangent, I'd like to thank you for even paying attention, and especially for finishing. I'll keep on doing my best to make people feel better, and to give a reason to have hope.
I miss you Emily. I hope you're in a better place now.
It's been about a year since my friend committed suicide. Now, I've known this person since 7th grade when I moved to where I live now. And not only was this in the beginning of high school, it was only about 2 months in freshman year. I remember having a lot of guilt. Guilt of seeing the signs, yet not doing enough to save her, or not being the best friend to her(I'm not exactly a saint), or just letting things get as bad as it did. It was a lot, especially when I wasn't even 15. Plus, I sort of did have feelings for her(she liked my friend, so I never decided to tell her, though she at least knew about my feelings for her, and just never reciprocated. Only learned that part a couple of weeks ago). Months went by, and you could say I had gone obsessed in a way. It was really bad, especially with my only ok grades, and being in my brother's shadow didn't help. I had lost control in 9th grade, especially since I had classes with her. One was math(sat right next to her), and my language class(there used to 3 students, but it became 2 students including me). By the end of the year, I was mentally exhausted, and just not in the right headspace(just a reminder, drinking alcohol is really bad. Trust me, it's not your friend). I saw many people just not care, or make jokes over it, and I sorta...gave up I guess. To be fair, there were like 4-5 deaths that year overall, so maybe people were too busy thinking about other stuff. It was hard, seeing everyone move on so easily, so I figured there was just something wrong with me. So I kept my goofy silly facade up, not only for them, but for myself in a way, so I wouldn't go completely coo coo for cocoa puffs.
During summer break, my dad got me into working out, like going to the gym and stuff. He even got coaches for me to work along with. At first, I was relatively reluctant. But overtime, I started to be a lot more excited to go to the gym, even if I wasn't the strongest or getting ripped, I was at least happier than before(when you hit rock bottom, you can only really go up). I started to get into my hobbies, like my violin, and video games(I think that's why I've loved this community, it made me feel at home almost). Travelling with family to Japan was really nice as well. I managed to take a lot of pictures on that trip(it helps with stress), and having really good food(crab will always be the GOAT).
Then, around July, my grandmother, who already had dementia, died from something in her lungs. I figured that I would be apathetic, but turns out, it really did some stuff. But after the funeral and all that, I conquered that grief, and I felt...relieved? It's an odd feeling, but I wasn't depressed, so that was neat.
Now that school has started, sophomore year has been a lot better. My classes are fun, and I enjoy being with my classmates. Rugby has been really nice to practice for, and I've genuinely smiled after practice with satisfaction. Now that a year has passed, I'm not crying or grieving like I was. But now, I'm someone who's silly and unhinged yeah, but also kind, and hopeful.
I'm noticing how long this message is so I'm gonna try to keep my advice short and concise. If anyone has gone or is going through what I have, DON'T LOSE HOPE. There will be a way out I promise you. I don't want anyone to feel like they need a bottle, or something else to keep them distracted. Maintain the mindset that there's always another shot, and hang onto hope, you'll really need it sometimes when times are rough. When you have time, EXPLORE YOURSELF. Find or refine hobbies, go to the gym, just find something that'll keep you motivated to do something. Even if there's little results, even if it fails, you still did something that you felt was important enough to do, and that might be good enough. Another thing, BE WITH FRIENDS. I can not emphasize enough how important that is. Being with people and just having a laugh or two may be all you or someone else needed. As long as you're honest with them, and have a safe space, there will be results I can't quantify, but it will be apparent. TAKE THINGS AT YOUR OWN PACE. At least for me, I never really got the chance to really rest and fully move on, since school really decided to move at a breakneck pace, it was hard for me to truly get over everything while there were tests and homework to study and work for. For this though, I advise that people find their own ways of coping, and to see what fits for their needs. DON'T FEEL THE NEED TO BLAME YOURSELF. I swear, I should've learned this way before than I did. It's ok to feel guilty or regret, but it's not ok when you start to have that guilt be your only guide in life. Take the time to reflect on yourself. Even if you could've done something more, you don't have to feel like it's your fault. At the end of the day, you weren't the one that made them do what they did, and they would not want you to feel that way at all.
As of now, I've been contemplating doing something in the psych field. Be it psychologist, psychiatrist, psycho whatever. I made a promise with myself that I'd get all the requirements I needed, and that I'd help at least one person, to empower them, to give hope, so I can look to before, and feel that I made my friend proud, and I'm not giving up now.
If anyone has finished reading through this whole tangent, I'd like to thank you for even paying attention, and especially for finishing. I'll keep on doing my best to make people feel better, and to give a reason to have hope.
I miss you Emily. I hope you're in a better place now.
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In recent times I've become naturally zen like "nope not disrupting me, i know that other option".
but i will say i noticed the only thing that makes me angry/harp on too long/annoyed it happened/etc is when people undercut/back alley/or just do some shady disrespectful stuff.
i live off treat people how you wanna be treated, feeling disrespected is an immediate "You're dead to me," moment and that's the one time in recent times I have to kick back the demons of when I was still letting everything hold me.
but i will say i noticed the only thing that makes me angry/harp on too long/annoyed it happened/etc is when people undercut/back alley/or just do some shady disrespectful stuff.
i live off treat people how you wanna be treated, feeling disrespected is an immediate "You're dead to me," moment and that's the one time in recent times I have to kick back the demons of when I was still letting everything hold me.
I haven't been watching this thread for that long but I think it's time for me to actually use it.
I am not happy with my life and I cannot remember the last time I actually was, maybe when I was like 12-14 years old. At least back then, I can remember that shit wasn't all too bad back then. I've been struggling since 15 with trying to find meaning in my life and depression, I don't like calling it the latter because it's not an official diagnosis by any medical professional but it's a good blanket term to use because I lacked happiness within myself. Back at 15 years old, I think I was suffering from extreme levels of boredom. My life felt incredibly mundane. Going to school, coming back home, playing League of Legends or Pokemon Showdown, sleeping, rinse and repeat. I was also having family issues and I've always had strict parents so even the stuff I wanted to do was stopped for me. I felt as if I had no freedom to actually do what I wanted to do and I was just stuck in a rut. Around the latter part of that year (2017), I started my Pokemon youtube channel which was one of the few things I enjoyed doing and even now, it's still one of the few things I enjoy doing.
Fast forward to 22 years old and what has changed? Well, I'm fitter, I've become much more sociable and I've gone through many life experiences good and bad in the last 7 years but at the same time, I'm an university failure, I'm stuck at a job that constantly makes me finish late hours into the night and from that, my free time being reduced leads to stuff in my life that I enjoy doing to be put on the backburner. I love making videos, I love going to the gym, these two will probably never change for me but what time do I have to do these consistently? Not a lot. I upload here and there but going to the gym is always being impeded by my job. Now you'll probably ask me "just find a new job" but it's easier said than done. I'm basically stuck in retail and if I actually wanted to get an industry job, I don't even have a degree. I have a minor qualification like a Diploma, basically a consolation prize for how shit I did but I'm not getting anything with this let's be honest. So until I'm able to get some extra qualifications on the side, I'm going to be stuck in retail, probably getting unreasonable hours and it's harder for me to actually do what needs to be done to progress in my life.
Even at this point, I'm not even too sure I want to head into the IT sector. I was doing a Computer Science course at uni which like I said, I failed. I had a passion for it and now after the 4 years I've endured at uni, that passion is nowhere present. What else do I have going for me? Nothing, to be honest. I really have nothing else that I want to do so even if I have to do these extra qualifications I mentioned above, it's not even like I want to do them, I just have to in order to keep my options open but I'm not going to be happy about it. Maybe I should just accept "well I'm stuck doing something I don't really want to do but if it gets me a good job that pays well, then at least I'm not broke anymore". Is this a good mindset? Who knows, idc if it is or not but it's what I've decided on. A passionless person doing the thing he no longer has any passion for, it's a funny thing. I would love if I could just make a career out of Youtube videos but it's not a likely endeavour and I've still stuck to the mindset that making videos has always been an enjoyable hobby and I'd rather not have to force myself to make them as my main means of survival you know?
At this point, I don't even know what else to say to be honest. I kinda just feel like I'm living my life like a NPC atm, just living through the moment, stuck in a continuous cycle which I'm not going to break out of anytime soon. I just want to stop feeling this way and be happy with my life but there is just a lot against me. Some people have told me that I shouldn't view myself as a failure but I'm genuinely am for failing university. I've also heard people tell me it's not the end all be all but the facts are simply the facts. I let down a lot of people and most importantly myself and that's just something I have to carry. I feel behind my peers, whether that's people already making 6 figures or a slightly older dude already on the international property ladder or just seeing people I went to school with graduating and they've set themselves up for the long term.
All I can say right now is that I'm doing what I can, maybe I can look back at this in 5 years and laugh at how I was feeling from a better position but the present now is a long and arduous journey, one that's going to be difficult, but at this point, what part of my life hasn't been difficult?
I am not happy with my life and I cannot remember the last time I actually was, maybe when I was like 12-14 years old. At least back then, I can remember that shit wasn't all too bad back then. I've been struggling since 15 with trying to find meaning in my life and depression, I don't like calling it the latter because it's not an official diagnosis by any medical professional but it's a good blanket term to use because I lacked happiness within myself. Back at 15 years old, I think I was suffering from extreme levels of boredom. My life felt incredibly mundane. Going to school, coming back home, playing League of Legends or Pokemon Showdown, sleeping, rinse and repeat. I was also having family issues and I've always had strict parents so even the stuff I wanted to do was stopped for me. I felt as if I had no freedom to actually do what I wanted to do and I was just stuck in a rut. Around the latter part of that year (2017), I started my Pokemon youtube channel which was one of the few things I enjoyed doing and even now, it's still one of the few things I enjoy doing.
Fast forward to 22 years old and what has changed? Well, I'm fitter, I've become much more sociable and I've gone through many life experiences good and bad in the last 7 years but at the same time, I'm an university failure, I'm stuck at a job that constantly makes me finish late hours into the night and from that, my free time being reduced leads to stuff in my life that I enjoy doing to be put on the backburner. I love making videos, I love going to the gym, these two will probably never change for me but what time do I have to do these consistently? Not a lot. I upload here and there but going to the gym is always being impeded by my job. Now you'll probably ask me "just find a new job" but it's easier said than done. I'm basically stuck in retail and if I actually wanted to get an industry job, I don't even have a degree. I have a minor qualification like a Diploma, basically a consolation prize for how shit I did but I'm not getting anything with this let's be honest. So until I'm able to get some extra qualifications on the side, I'm going to be stuck in retail, probably getting unreasonable hours and it's harder for me to actually do what needs to be done to progress in my life.
Even at this point, I'm not even too sure I want to head into the IT sector. I was doing a Computer Science course at uni which like I said, I failed. I had a passion for it and now after the 4 years I've endured at uni, that passion is nowhere present. What else do I have going for me? Nothing, to be honest. I really have nothing else that I want to do so even if I have to do these extra qualifications I mentioned above, it's not even like I want to do them, I just have to in order to keep my options open but I'm not going to be happy about it. Maybe I should just accept "well I'm stuck doing something I don't really want to do but if it gets me a good job that pays well, then at least I'm not broke anymore". Is this a good mindset? Who knows, idc if it is or not but it's what I've decided on. A passionless person doing the thing he no longer has any passion for, it's a funny thing. I would love if I could just make a career out of Youtube videos but it's not a likely endeavour and I've still stuck to the mindset that making videos has always been an enjoyable hobby and I'd rather not have to force myself to make them as my main means of survival you know?
At this point, I don't even know what else to say to be honest. I kinda just feel like I'm living my life like a NPC atm, just living through the moment, stuck in a continuous cycle which I'm not going to break out of anytime soon. I just want to stop feeling this way and be happy with my life but there is just a lot against me. Some people have told me that I shouldn't view myself as a failure but I'm genuinely am for failing university. I've also heard people tell me it's not the end all be all but the facts are simply the facts. I let down a lot of people and most importantly myself and that's just something I have to carry. I feel behind my peers, whether that's people already making 6 figures or a slightly older dude already on the international property ladder or just seeing people I went to school with graduating and they've set themselves up for the long term.
All I can say right now is that I'm doing what I can, maybe I can look back at this in 5 years and laugh at how I was feeling from a better position but the present now is a long and arduous journey, one that's going to be difficult, but at this point, what part of my life hasn't been difficult?
Not sure how everyone else’s mental health is today, but 2024 really is the year that keeps giving, huh? My mental health has taken an absolute battering this year.
Today I looked at the news and just went back to sleep, my first thought was “nah, I’m done. Time to get a therapist”.
Today I looked at the news and just went back to sleep, my first thought was “nah, I’m done. Time to get a therapist”.
I’m going to be honest, my mental state is at an all-time low. I just haven’t had motivation to do anything; not anything at all. But I’ve got so much going on, and I feel like I’m letting everything good just slip away.
The only positives in my life right now are my family and dog. I hardly have friends, unless friends are everyday bullies. I feel alone and secluded, but thankfully I have a safe place. And it’s here.
I feel like I’m slipping into depression, and I just need a way to escape. And I just come here and I feel better. The community is amazing (“sMoGoN iS sO tOxIc” no it isn’t shut up) and people are just all around kind.
Just pouring my heart out here, but yeah, thanks for reading
The only positives in my life right now are my family and dog. I hardly have friends, unless friends are everyday bullies. I feel alone and secluded, but thankfully I have a safe place. And it’s here.
I feel like I’m slipping into depression, and I just need a way to escape. And I just come here and I feel better. The community is amazing (“sMoGoN iS sO tOxIc” no it isn’t shut up) and people are just all around kind.
Just pouring my heart out here, but yeah, thanks for reading
My Dad's (RIP) birthday coming up and it always makes me a lil somber, i use to be legit depressed so I'll take that progress via time... that said it was an off day and fall/early winter always reminds me of him and it was such a nice New York fall day today, everyone was home, my brother burst out the RC car and tripped our dog out with it running around the back yard - successfully pooped the pooch tho lol.
Net win day, now I'm just gaming and i'll probably go chill with them to smoke or something later but just a nice relaxing day.
Net win day, now I'm just gaming and i'll probably go chill with them to smoke or something later but just a nice relaxing day.
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Depressed.
Lost my first ADV PL game and let every down.
Lost my chance to be in the Top 100 of GSC again.
Lost a ton on Gen 1, can't get ahead in Gen 4 Ubers, people harassing me in chat, my Orre Cup team sucks, and I feel like a fucking failure.
I already know people are just going to tell me the same shit, "pLaY tHe GaMe To HaVe FuN!!!!!! StoP dOiNg It If It MaKeS yOu UpSeT!!!!!!!!!"
I've heard it, just tired. Tired of coming to people to vent about this, sick of feeling like an outcast, sick of feeling like a failure.
I just needed some place to vent about all this. Crying and sniffling typing this all out. Might regret it, idk. Just fuck me I guess.
I don't know where the fuck to go anymore, idk who to talk to.
Lost my first ADV PL game and let every down.
Lost my chance to be in the Top 100 of GSC again.
Lost a ton on Gen 1, can't get ahead in Gen 4 Ubers, people harassing me in chat, my Orre Cup team sucks, and I feel like a fucking failure.
I already know people are just going to tell me the same shit, "pLaY tHe GaMe To HaVe FuN!!!!!! StoP dOiNg It If It MaKeS yOu UpSeT!!!!!!!!!"
I've heard it, just tired. Tired of coming to people to vent about this, sick of feeling like an outcast, sick of feeling like a failure.
I just needed some place to vent about all this. Crying and sniffling typing this all out. Might regret it, idk. Just fuck me I guess.
I don't know where the fuck to go anymore, idk who to talk to.
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Whenever I have the “doom feelings” as I now call and recognise them, I have a few coping mechanisms that change my mood straight away.
First: five deep breaths. Oxygenate.
Second: decent sized glass of water. Finish it. Hydrate.
Third: whatever has annoyed me, upset me, etc etc - switch off from it, do something else.
If the latter is Pokemon or videogames, I highly recommend going on YouTube and putting something on - anything - like a comedy show, or similar. Take your attention away from it.
Fourth: give yourself time. I am, for example, working on several papers for my PhD. I recently wrote one and it was awful, I really messed up through rushing and I was so angry at myself. I have left it for two weeks and have come back to it. I feel better for having given it the space and I have been able to modify it to something I am happy with.
Fifth: anything that involves competition, aka a sport - put it down, come back to it when you’re calmer.
I’m sorry you’re feeling that way - hopefully some of the above might help. I have found having coping mechanisms and being able to self reflect and analyse, to be really useful in controlling my behaviours and mood.
This game sucks. There's an absurd amount of variance with some skill sprinkled in. Nobody bothers to understand anything that happens in a game because all that counts is whether you win or lose. And, it’s an extremely niche hobby that is essentially worthless to your life. So when people tell you to have fun with it, it’s something you should really take some time to ponder.
That being said, I think I understand where you’re coming from(trust me, more than I wish I did). We just want to win. We all want to excel at what we love. We just want to grasp that feeling of worth — that is to be human. Seeing you say you cried over this made me feel bad, especially since you seem to be my age.
First off, I think you should focus on one tier if you can, until you get the results you want there. Especially since you seem to be very competitive by nature, being all over the place isn’t going to help. You seem really into ADV. I’d recommend more of that since it’s an extremely active community and a very welcoming one as well (from my experience). The fact that you can juggle between all the tiers you listed is insane to me. Most gamers doing that are either extremely used to the game’s pattern recognition through past success or are just not taking things too seriously.
I have seen a lot of players grow over time by focusing on one tier, and it’s honestly amazing to watch because you get to see a real spark of personality, it is how i started playing too honestly.
I’m also not sure whether you really have a goal in mind with the game or if you’re just frustrated by losing. Either way, my real recommendation is to maybe try this video:
This is a video about shoonya meditation, which focuses on the death of ego. Everything in your post is spewing ego, like someone put a can of soda in a hydraulic press.
The meditation is only 10 minutes long (you can skip to 7:12) but I would recommend watching the whole video so you can better understand how it works. Of course anything that is convenient to you..
Take some time when possible to do the exercise, and then think about what you want from this game. Do you want people to think you’re good? Do you want to feel good about yourself? Do you just want to enjoy the feeling of winning? What is any of this bringing to you, really? What pushes you to keep going?
Try to respond with the first words that come to your mind. Talk to yourself for some time, maybe an hour or two.
We seriously don’t talk with ourselves enough. Not the self related to externals, but with the soul, with what you are feeling deep in there.
Anyway, if you come out of this with a path in mind, stick with it and feel free to PM me if you want any tips or teams in any tier, ill do my best to try to help when i can. I was going to PM initially, but i thought you may not see it + if this posts helps anybody else(i really love that meditation and do it frequently, love Dr K/healthygamer as a whole tbh can't recommend enough), that would be amazing.
I don’t know if I really helped with anything. I’m no therapist, nor can I express myself that well, just tried to talk about some of what has helped me. Of course, I’d also recommend considering therapy for any issues unrelated to the game if you feel you need support. I understand, though, if you feel hesitant about it. Wishing you and all others who have posted here the best
I once wrote about it but I noticed it again
I want things. When I get them, I am not very happy about it. I have a brief moment of joy, boredom and disappointment follow. The more I go through this, the shorter the joy becomes
It's to a degree where I kinda hope in the back of my head that I don't get what I want. Because it kinda feels better at this point to not get it
Big Ashley said it's basically just me rediscovering what Budha said but like, it still applies: I should stop wanting things with the expectation that they'll make me happy. If I divorce desire from expectations and just surf the waves, I'll probably be a lot better off. Not necessarily happier, because it's not the only positive way to feel, but just better
I want things. When I get them, I am not very happy about it. I have a brief moment of joy, boredom and disappointment follow. The more I go through this, the shorter the joy becomes
It's to a degree where I kinda hope in the back of my head that I don't get what I want. Because it kinda feels better at this point to not get it
Big Ashley said it's basically just me rediscovering what Budha said but like, it still applies: I should stop wanting things with the expectation that they'll make me happy. If I divorce desire from expectations and just surf the waves, I'll probably be a lot better off. Not necessarily happier, because it's not the only positive way to feel, but just better
My mental health had a reasonable boost today. I Can Call for a better world again. Good.
feeling the dad loss energy, im doing okay but have that "take a sec to let yaself feel energy" (his bday 12/9)
im almost mad i still let it get me year to year after he came and hugged me in a dream he appeared in and i woke up same position he hugged me on the edge of my be bed, mid cry (post eulogy) - but i know it mattered, and that was his message of "Goodbye/Thank you i love you" and whatever-isms in life handle these things let me see him for a reason. I almost feel im disrespecting his goodbye letting myself get sad; perhaps im way too hard on myself, but this time of year always gets me smh.
the whole family came up to me appreciating the eulogy, but i still miss him.
not tryna be sad but ofc its a thing you feel.
im almost mad i still let it get me year to year after he came and hugged me in a dream he appeared in and i woke up same position he hugged me on the edge of my be bed, mid cry (post eulogy) - but i know it mattered, and that was his message of "Goodbye/Thank you i love you" and whatever-isms in life handle these things let me see him for a reason. I almost feel im disrespecting his goodbye letting myself get sad; perhaps im way too hard on myself, but this time of year always gets me smh.
the whole family came up to me appreciating the eulogy, but i still miss him.
not tryna be sad but ofc its a thing you feel.
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Okay so, the last time I posted here was about 9 months ago. Many, MANY things happened ever since. In particular, I realize by the month of July that I gained about 15 kg, mostly likely due to my medications.
This led to me starting to go to the gym on a regular basis, about 2 times a week.
I can't stress enough how GREAT of an idea this was. Ever since, I feel so much better than before. It's like day and night. When autumn started, I was really worried about a possible deterioration of my mental health, especially because it happened since the last 4 years on a regular basis. Well, it didn't happen, and actually I felt even better than during the summer. Also, going to the gym is really addictive, because I keep track of my progress and can see my numbers slowly but surely increasing, and oh boy that I like to see numbers going up on a weekly basis.
And on another positive note, my psychiatrist finally told me to stop some of my medication! Not all of them, but I'm on the road to be finally fully done with this part of my life.
We're all at different points of our life obviously, but yeah, not so long ago I thought I'd be under medication my whole life, given the fact that I was relapsing again and again. Turns out I was wrong. This is a message to everyone struggling with mental health issues. Don't ever give up. Really. Your life matter, and you'll eventually see improvements. It may not happen instantly, and maybe that you'll not see the improvements at the beginning, but in the end you'll be rewarded for not giving up.
This led to me starting to go to the gym on a regular basis, about 2 times a week.
I can't stress enough how GREAT of an idea this was. Ever since, I feel so much better than before. It's like day and night. When autumn started, I was really worried about a possible deterioration of my mental health, especially because it happened since the last 4 years on a regular basis. Well, it didn't happen, and actually I felt even better than during the summer. Also, going to the gym is really addictive, because I keep track of my progress and can see my numbers slowly but surely increasing, and oh boy that I like to see numbers going up on a weekly basis.
And on another positive note, my psychiatrist finally told me to stop some of my medication! Not all of them, but I'm on the road to be finally fully done with this part of my life.
We're all at different points of our life obviously, but yeah, not so long ago I thought I'd be under medication my whole life, given the fact that I was relapsing again and again. Turns out I was wrong. This is a message to everyone struggling with mental health issues. Don't ever give up. Really. Your life matter, and you'll eventually see improvements. It may not happen instantly, and maybe that you'll not see the improvements at the beginning, but in the end you'll be rewarded for not giving up.
I wanna quit, but smogon becomes the only place in my life I get a single amount of friendship, so after I leave what is still in for me?
OK, I created a whole persona which pretends to be the person I wanted to be, in all metrics of life I’ve failed now unemployed, very low income in my business and facing the hardships of life alongside me not being able to do anything meaningful.
I wish I stopped been a burden to everyone around, I dream about disappearing everyday, I have reached a level of apathy I didn’t think was possible and no amount of therapy will change the fact I am poor and a burden to my family and society.
OK, I created a whole persona which pretends to be the person I wanted to be, in all metrics of life I’ve failed now unemployed, very low income in my business and facing the hardships of life alongside me not being able to do anything meaningful.
I wish I stopped been a burden to everyone around, I dream about disappearing everyday, I have reached a level of apathy I didn’t think was possible and no amount of therapy will change the fact I am poor and a burden to my family and society.
You aren't any burden
If anything, we are here for you. Don't give up, you got this. Who knows, if you keep pushing, you might meet someone that will be that one. That one who will help you get back up and on your feet.
We don't want you to disappear
And you shouldn't be talking that way. One thing I learned from lots of experience is that a positive attitude helps with a positive outcome. So just try and see the good parts, and then I'm sure you'll make it somewhere great. Just keep pushing
The hobby of Pokemon is one that you should only engage in if it's serving your best interests. If you find yourself not enjoying the hobby anymore, you are well within your rights to quit or take a break as you need to. You have one life, and while I understand you might be feeling low at this very moment, life is full of high highs and low lows.
The holiday period is a very self-reflective time in which we tend to focus on the parts of ourselves we dislike heavily or where we fell short in our lives. I know words alone do not fix your situation but please take solace in the fact that you are not alone in that experience. Your existence is valuable and the world is better for you having existed.
With that said, I will offer you this: if you created a whole persona that allowed you to be the person you wanted to be on Smogon, take a moment to think on what is stopping you from being that person in your own real life. It might be intimidating or more difficult to do so, but there is no amount of money that will allow you to be a different person - the only barrier to change is in your own expression. That does not mean that there aren't challenges in doing this, but it does mean that if you found a way to become the person you wanted to be through your "smogon" personality, possibly there is a way for you to recreate that for yourself irl.
Apathy is more dangerous than depression in all facets, and I understand these are just words that a supposed internet stranger is typing on a screen. But we all have one individual life, and even in the face of apathy, there is a possible version of yourself in 5-10 years from now that wants to thank you today for not giving up.
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I'm still living down here working my new job. It's been all well and good and I'm grateful and everything but I've experienced my first few signs of slipping over the holidays. Yesterday I got very little done even though I was trying and today I just hard overslept and started the day late. Thankfully nobody really cares (yet), but it's still rattled me a bit. In grad school I was never very reliable but could be reliable for a little while and then I'd inevitably crack at some point. I'm worried that I'll straighten back up for a few months and then crack again in a few more months, in a context where it actually matters.
I wouldn't consider this a vent, more like a ramble; a write-down of my feelings right now where I see myself in this game. Mentally, in the past I've come here feeling worse, but I think things are getting better, and I'm happy for it. Though, I want to talk a little more again about my Competitive Smogon Singles experience.
I honestly can't fathom how I can ever achieve greatness, or be respected/liked in this game. Sometimes I'm on fire and I feel like I'm on top of the world, other days I'm just average, or below average, and that kills me.
Playing this game my whole life and having a love for it like I do, I'm very disappointed in myself that what I want for myself in it feels so far away. I'm 0-3 in Mushi League, still losing to people I should be winning against, my gxe in GSC sucks, and RBY is so incosistent and it feels like I'm playing roulette more than Pokemon.
I've been a VGC player since 2017 and I have a ton more success there, winning some small tournaments in my state and getting Top 4 in a Premiere Challenge once with teams that use Pokemon I actually want to use...and it's frustrating I can't get the same community/competitive experiences here. I get this is fully online and it's a different meta entirely made up by people who aren't even related to GameFreak at all, but I still have that nagging, irritating competitive drive to prove myself, and especially prove to others who really shat on me when I first came here and had gripes with the meta/tiering.
I want to believe this year will be better. I've only been playing singles for 6 months so I can't really be too hard on myself. Hey, I didn't expect to make it to the Top 500 on the RBY, GSC, and ADV OU ladders last year...but idk, is that really being "excellent" to this community?
I really take to heart that message in the anime about being the best like no one ever was. I want to EXCEL at a tier. Multiple, even. It feels possible with my experience and what I've seen in myself sometime, but sometimes I really don't know what is defined as "the best" here somedays. Tournament success? ELO? GXE? People always tell me different things. I just want a definitive end-goal that states what "the best" means here, and I want to be able to understand if it's possible.
And...I want to get there. I just don't know if with the amount of people I've met and heard about from the history of this site if it's possible with as much competition I see. Like I consider myself to be good at Pokemon, but have I mastered it, in and out, and can I consider myself a contender for one of the best yet? When can I see that?
I've played Melee for a long time, about 10 years, and it's brutal. Even when you learn all the tech and practice your heart out, you still get squashed like a bug in tournament, and it's harder now with the availability of Slippi for everyone. Yet, Melee still seemed a lot more obtainable as a goal to be the best in said-game. I used to tell my friend "All it takes is 10 sets with 10 people, and you're the EVO champion." Meanwhile, what does it take for excellence here, especially in specific generations?
Just wanted to get this off my mind. I'm hoping to just, further my experiences from here, and my skill by any means necessary. It's a repeating thought in my head with this game, and I figured writing it all out would help ease some tension headaches haha
I honestly can't fathom how I can ever achieve greatness, or be respected/liked in this game. Sometimes I'm on fire and I feel like I'm on top of the world, other days I'm just average, or below average, and that kills me.
Playing this game my whole life and having a love for it like I do, I'm very disappointed in myself that what I want for myself in it feels so far away. I'm 0-3 in Mushi League, still losing to people I should be winning against, my gxe in GSC sucks, and RBY is so incosistent and it feels like I'm playing roulette more than Pokemon.
I've been a VGC player since 2017 and I have a ton more success there, winning some small tournaments in my state and getting Top 4 in a Premiere Challenge once with teams that use Pokemon I actually want to use...and it's frustrating I can't get the same community/competitive experiences here. I get this is fully online and it's a different meta entirely made up by people who aren't even related to GameFreak at all, but I still have that nagging, irritating competitive drive to prove myself, and especially prove to others who really shat on me when I first came here and had gripes with the meta/tiering.
I want to believe this year will be better. I've only been playing singles for 6 months so I can't really be too hard on myself. Hey, I didn't expect to make it to the Top 500 on the RBY, GSC, and ADV OU ladders last year...but idk, is that really being "excellent" to this community?
I really take to heart that message in the anime about being the best like no one ever was. I want to EXCEL at a tier. Multiple, even. It feels possible with my experience and what I've seen in myself sometime, but sometimes I really don't know what is defined as "the best" here somedays. Tournament success? ELO? GXE? People always tell me different things. I just want a definitive end-goal that states what "the best" means here, and I want to be able to understand if it's possible.
And...I want to get there. I just don't know if with the amount of people I've met and heard about from the history of this site if it's possible with as much competition I see. Like I consider myself to be good at Pokemon, but have I mastered it, in and out, and can I consider myself a contender for one of the best yet? When can I see that?
I've played Melee for a long time, about 10 years, and it's brutal. Even when you learn all the tech and practice your heart out, you still get squashed like a bug in tournament, and it's harder now with the availability of Slippi for everyone. Yet, Melee still seemed a lot more obtainable as a goal to be the best in said-game. I used to tell my friend "All it takes is 10 sets with 10 people, and you're the EVO champion." Meanwhile, what does it take for excellence here, especially in specific generations?
Just wanted to get this off my mind. I'm hoping to just, further my experiences from here, and my skill by any means necessary. It's a repeating thought in my head with this game, and I figured writing it all out would help ease some tension headaches haha
im coming up on the 5 year, i dont like to call it something like an "anniversary" cus that suggests positivity, but the 5 year of my dads passing (Guess Memorial is the better word). He died 2 months to the day of his 66th bday, far too young 12/9/19 *2 months later* 2/9/20
The one saving grace was I'm glad he missed Covid, i dont think I couldve been restricted from him then even tho it was hard for me emotionally to see him then (as he was sick).
NOW I say that and it seems heavy handed, but oddly recently my energy in life (outside dealing with what we all have to on occassion) has allowed me not just personal, but mental, and life peace so im onto that and looking at it as maybe that's my dads gift to me pushing 5 years later.
i still cant believe that. it cant have been that long, life & time really has no concern for a soul, it just ticks on.
lil side remark my sister put on Jelly Roll's song "Still My Hero" earlier (which is essentially about passed loved ones/dads) and i was like "I think my game needs me, cus i didnt have emotion on my docket at this exact second" lol
The one saving grace was I'm glad he missed Covid, i dont think I couldve been restricted from him then even tho it was hard for me emotionally to see him then (as he was sick).
NOW I say that and it seems heavy handed, but oddly recently my energy in life (outside dealing with what we all have to on occassion) has allowed me not just personal, but mental, and life peace so im onto that and looking at it as maybe that's my dads gift to me pushing 5 years later.
i still cant believe that. it cant have been that long, life & time really has no concern for a soul, it just ticks on.
lil side remark my sister put on Jelly Roll's song "Still My Hero" earlier (which is essentially about passed loved ones/dads) and i was like "I think my game needs me, cus i didnt have emotion on my docket at this exact second" lol
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Hey guys, I’ve felt down in the dumps lately. After I broke up with my abusive ex, my social life was in tatters and I missed her. I had been doordashing instead of getting a real job, so I was pretty broke. Then, I got a job working at an inner-city school, and experienced the happiest few months of my life.
I went to work every day with a smile on my face. I’d started late, and they took weeks to get me into the system, so I was working 30-40 hours a week outside of class catching up on grading. I also wasn’t paid jack. Despite this, the students loved me and I was the first good teacher they’d had. I have a Masters in math and a lot of teaching experience from teaching for a few years at a university part time.
Then, on November 7th, disaster struck:
Please provide support or advice on the job search, or stories about overcoming other circumstances. I can handle the sobriety in a vaccuum, I have a lot of self control and won’t relapse.
I realized i had to break up with my abusive ex bc at the end, when I quit smoking, she was impatient and screaming at me constantly. And all I asked was that she have some patience and grace with me. I never complained once despite feeling in constant pain.
I’ll tryto respond to some of your guys’ later, so I can contribute because before this, I’d really improved my mental health. Starting from ground zero again is hard.
I went to work every day with a smile on my face. I’d started late, and they took weeks to get me into the system, so I was working 30-40 hours a week outside of class catching up on grading. I also wasn’t paid jack. Despite this, the students loved me and I was the first good teacher they’d had. I have a Masters in math and a lot of teaching experience from teaching for a few years at a university part time.
Then, on November 7th, disaster struck:
I had been abusing hard drugs, in a large part because I was working all night and low on energy, but also because I was depressed from having zero friends and I do have a substance problem. The hard drug of choice for me is coke, which I was getting for very low prices.
After parent teacher conferences, I went out with a few other teachers. I was trying to impress them, and drank way too much. I don’t drink very frequently, but I was drinking way too much when I do.
At the third bar we went to, I got jumped. I did not do anything to cause this, I was grabbed from behind and choked out. Then thrown on the ground and called a homophobic slur. I’m a little gay and looked it that night. I messaged friends and asked to stay at their place, but they all turned me down. I decided to drive home instead. I did that more than I should have, but not that drunk.
On the way home, one of the other teachers was pulled over. Out of concern, and drunken stupidity, I pulled over too to make sure he didn’t get hurt. Another cop car came and I was obviously arrested. They found my coke and weed.
I yelled a bunch of slurs at the cop and when we got to the hospital, I tried to lie on the ground and call for help. The officer said I bit him, which I stg I didn’t.
I spent the next day in jail then my dad bailed me out. On Monday I was fired from my job after HR found out about the incident, potentially through the other teacher that was arrested.
He did not lose his job because he had just received a DUI.
Now, I feel very depressed. I am dreading working some dead end job that I will likely struggle to make friends with, and it’s humiliating to go from teaching to working a minimum wage tier job. I also am at an age where I want to start settling down and marrying, which is no longer a real possibility due to my financial class.
I’m currently on trial. I may lose my license, and in my city, there is no public transportation, so I will have to pay high fees to get an interlock in my car. I’m looking at a year and a half of probation.
I have mixed feelings about all this. I have gone one hundred percent clean since the incident. No more coke, weed, and alcohol at least. I still take Kratom which I’m praying won’t be on the drug test, and microdosing. But basically staying a more sober frame of mind.
I definitely feel like I deserved a punishment. But the worst thing I did to me was a DUI because I was more likely to hurt someone. And the other teacher was allowed to keep their job under the same circumstances minus the drugs. Even when I get this scrubbed off my record, it will be hard to get a teaching gig again.
And this isn’t really about the DUI but the coke. And the bullshit accusation I bit an officer. A cop in my city killed a pedestrian and got a fine.
And at the end of the day, I meant no harm. I just struggle with substance abuse, and instead of providing any help, I’m having the book thrown at me, and making my life harder. I’m glad I’m the most clean I’ve been in years, but being forced to work at McDonald’s or wtv I can find isn’t going to make it easier for me to stay that way. And if I breath wrong I get sent to jail.
And between being out of work, hospital fee from that night, lawyer fees, and everything else. I’m already in debt to my dad sm it’s gonna take ages before I earn enough that I’ll actually get to keep my money from my little paycheck
After parent teacher conferences, I went out with a few other teachers. I was trying to impress them, and drank way too much. I don’t drink very frequently, but I was drinking way too much when I do.
At the third bar we went to, I got jumped. I did not do anything to cause this, I was grabbed from behind and choked out. Then thrown on the ground and called a homophobic slur. I’m a little gay and looked it that night. I messaged friends and asked to stay at their place, but they all turned me down. I decided to drive home instead. I did that more than I should have, but not that drunk.
On the way home, one of the other teachers was pulled over. Out of concern, and drunken stupidity, I pulled over too to make sure he didn’t get hurt. Another cop car came and I was obviously arrested. They found my coke and weed.
I yelled a bunch of slurs at the cop and when we got to the hospital, I tried to lie on the ground and call for help. The officer said I bit him, which I stg I didn’t.
I spent the next day in jail then my dad bailed me out. On Monday I was fired from my job after HR found out about the incident, potentially through the other teacher that was arrested.
He did not lose his job because he had just received a DUI.
Now, I feel very depressed. I am dreading working some dead end job that I will likely struggle to make friends with, and it’s humiliating to go from teaching to working a minimum wage tier job. I also am at an age where I want to start settling down and marrying, which is no longer a real possibility due to my financial class.
I’m currently on trial. I may lose my license, and in my city, there is no public transportation, so I will have to pay high fees to get an interlock in my car. I’m looking at a year and a half of probation.
I have mixed feelings about all this. I have gone one hundred percent clean since the incident. No more coke, weed, and alcohol at least. I still take Kratom which I’m praying won’t be on the drug test, and microdosing. But basically staying a more sober frame of mind.
I definitely feel like I deserved a punishment. But the worst thing I did to me was a DUI because I was more likely to hurt someone. And the other teacher was allowed to keep their job under the same circumstances minus the drugs. Even when I get this scrubbed off my record, it will be hard to get a teaching gig again.
And this isn’t really about the DUI but the coke. And the bullshit accusation I bit an officer. A cop in my city killed a pedestrian and got a fine.
And at the end of the day, I meant no harm. I just struggle with substance abuse, and instead of providing any help, I’m having the book thrown at me, and making my life harder. I’m glad I’m the most clean I’ve been in years, but being forced to work at McDonald’s or wtv I can find isn’t going to make it easier for me to stay that way. And if I breath wrong I get sent to jail.
And between being out of work, hospital fee from that night, lawyer fees, and everything else. I’m already in debt to my dad sm it’s gonna take ages before I earn enough that I’ll actually get to keep my money from my little paycheck
Please provide support or advice on the job search, or stories about overcoming other circumstances. I can handle the sobriety in a vaccuum, I have a lot of self control and won’t relapse.
I realized i had to break up with my abusive ex bc at the end, when I quit smoking, she was impatient and screaming at me constantly. And all I asked was that she have some patience and grace with me. I never complained once despite feeling in constant pain.
I’ll tryto respond to some of your guys’ later, so I can contribute because before this, I’d really improved my mental health. Starting from ground zero again is hard.
So i spoke to being in a bit better space mentality wise (obv last post was about missing Pops, we all human in that regard but outside that) ive been enjoying a pretty level headed, relaxing, life allowing peace realm for last couple months (outside missing pops whos bday was 12/9 and he passed 2/9/2020) idk what exactly poked my demon: "the truth" - i dont look at my demon as more than reality (and yes edited the post (confused..unflushed? feels? took over prior lol) however:
Sometimes "trees" need burning down and sometimes you might need to be your own igniter to change things.
Sometimes life will slap ya upside the head just to see if you respond to see if you truly want/deserve that progress.
(late edit, i need to stop early morning posts, as typo more than i blink simply because im tired. lol)
Sometimes "trees" need burning down and sometimes you might need to be your own igniter to change things.
Sometimes life will slap ya upside the head just to see if you respond to see if you truly want/deserve that progress.
(late edit, i need to stop early morning posts, as typo more than i blink simply because im tired. lol)
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