Bottling things up

[Lee]

By which of course, I'm referring to emotions.

tl;dr life story coming up.

For the past few years I've been suffering from a severe case of emotional constipation and just recently things have all came to a head and I feel I really need to get it off my chest lest I end up exploding in a fit of bottled up rage like that character from Me, Myself and Irene. And since my emotional constipation has led to me being so shit at talking to people irl, this seems like the best place.

As some of you will no doubt know, I've had problems with my right knee since I was about 14. These problems developed and worsened and without going into too much detail, ultimately left me depressed and with an eating disorder at 17. I isolated myself from the world and just 'existed' for a year. There's really no other term to describe it. When I came out the other end of that tunnel and began studying at college, I felt like a much stronger person but I can't help but feel it's also had a lasting negative impact on me.

Put simply, I convinced myself that emotions were a sign of weakness. I'd often criticise my male friends when they showed too much emotion. "You big fucking girl," I'd say. At college, I earned the nickname of 'Machine' or 'Robot' and whilst the bulk of this was probably due to my tendency to outright win every physical contest I participated in, it had a lot to do with the fact that I'd give nothing away emotionally...no signs of affection, anger, frustration, remorse...nothing. I just got on with it. I can't help but feel that this has served me well in my sporting pursuits which is probably why I've been so reluctant to do anything about it but it has left my social life as something of a train-wreck. At first I thought my problems were only in my head but when I take a step back and look at how this effects my interaction with people, I can't help but be concerned.

- People often tell me I'm ignorant when this is never my intent. It's fine on the internet because I can put time into my responses but irl it's always difficult for me to relate to people and I'll usually try to avoid talking to people in case I put my foot in my mouth.

- I've had no worthwhile lasting relationships with a member of the opposite sex. Go figure. I have no problem at all when it comes to talking to girls but when it comes to talking about certain things, I'll usually do my best to get out of there which of course makes me look like a dick.

- Last year my grandma died. She's easily the closest person to me that I've lost and it just feels kinda wrong that I never cried about it. I went along to the funeral and the wake and despite the fact that the majority were crying, I didn't even feel the urge to shed a tear. I did love her dearly and I was sad but...no tears, nothing. This makes me feel kinda guilty and I probably should have spoken to someone about it because I'm fairly new to the whole mourning thing but as you're probably beginning to understand by now - I don't talk about my feelings to anyone. Ever.

So as you can probably guess I'm a bit of a loner. I have a few close friends but I keep the majority of my friends at arm's length. I've never had a problem with this arrangement...I like being alone. But spending all that time alone gives my mind a lot of chances to race around and spread doubts and shit. But I was able to shrug off all these doubts because I knew that I was edging ever closer to my dream of joining the Army as a Paratrooper. I knew that everything would be just perfect once I got there and I'd be able to begin a whole new lease of life.

I tore through the initial entry tests, breaking the course records in the 2 mile run and the Multi-Stage Fitness Test. I was awarded the 'Best Student' award following a weeks stay at a military base down South. I aced my interviews and was told I'd be able to begin my training in January. They subsequently withdrew that offer after seeing my medical history and requested that I go for further tests in Edinburgh. No problem I thought.

The doctor took one look at my knee:

'Come back in November,' he said. Instant heartbreak right there. I explained to him that I've had no problems with my knee for nearly a year now and that the discoloring is a side effect of the treatment - it will always look like that. He assured me it's just a precaution and that there was nothing he could do.

All I can say is that it's a long train journey back to Newcastle when you've just had your life shit on. I don't know if I've relayed the feeling of anguish as well as I'd hoped but this is a major thing for me. Imagine you're a kid on Xmas Eve and then Santa pops down the chimney and tells you he's left your presents at the North Pole and will bring them along in nine months time. How the fuck am I supposed to survive for nine months? So how did I react to this? Trash my room? A week-long drinking binge maybe? Perhaps another bout with depression? Nope; absolutely nothing. It's been almost a month now and I've kept it all bottled up, just like I do with every-fucking-else. This can't be healthy and I'm seriously starting to question my sanity. I've had a persistent headache lately and I'm beginning to think it's related.

Is there anybody else in a similar state of mind? Am I just being overly-dramatic and need to man the fuck up? How should I start confronting my emotions? How do you confront yours? Should I see a psychologist or something?

PS. No sympathy please, I've had enough of that shit and it's such a backwards emotion because it only serves to make the recipient feel even worse. ?_?

 

[diinbong]

I've never had this problem; my emotions have always been somewhat...fluid, in a sense that they just kind of happen and go whether I want or not. I'm no psychology expert, but I don't think that that's what you need. It sounds like you just need to let it out, and that there's something blocking that. But I don't want to fuck with your life since I honestly don't know what to say -- keep pushin?

 

[Olie]

Sigh... I can totally relate to this, dude.
this is probably tl;dr, but whatever
These past few (3-4) weeks have been absolutely torturous for me. It all started when my brother who is 7 years old started acting up at school. He's been sent to the office, had an in school suspension, but so far nothing has been helping.My Mom and Dad are denying that it is ADHD and are not putting him on any pills or anything of the sort My parents are also two of the busiest people I've ever known. For some reason, they believe that they can BOTH work on their masters and keep up full time jobs while also taking care of my brother and myself. They get home at about 7pm and leave for work at 7:30. I head to bed at 11, so I see my parents for maybe 4 hours a day on a weekday. On the weekends, they devote almost all of their time to finishing their Final projects while I watch my psychopathic brother.

Now, I honestly love my brother; I play Pokemon with him, he watches me play on shoddy, and he spends the weekends in his room playing his DS. I've had several days off this month, but unfortunately, my brother did also. My parents have decided that it was a good idea to suddenly remove my brother entirely from electronics in an effort to help his behavioral problems, and I mean every fucking electronic device in the house. He is banned from playing his DS, banned from the computer, and banned from playing the Wii. His TV is also limited to about 3 hours per day, and he absolutely goes insane over this. He is basically like a hard Drug addict, and electronic devices are his Heroin. He spends every fucking day slamming my door, trying to break my ipod and DS, and not to mention trying to snap my laptop in half while dropping it on the floor repeatedly. He is screaming, crying, and lighting matches while I have to spend every hour of my day watching him closely. Obviously he is bored but I can't really take him anywhere fun to occupy his time with no car and about 20 bucks in my pocket. Since the 15th, I've spent about 7- 15 hours a day watching my little brother at home. Where are my parents in this? At work, or in the basement working on their masters. Do they care? No, they know we should be focusing on Schoolwork and sleeping, and a 17 year old guy can handle it after all. Growing up in Ukraine, they had very little, so fancy electronics don't mean much to them. But considering I bought both of our DSes, my Ipod, my Laptop AND my Wii, you can see that I would be fucking pissed off if I cannot use them in front of my brother or if they broke, which is basically all the time.

Don't get me wrong, I love my parents very much, but they are honestly putting the wrong priorities ahead of them. My Dad said he'd buy a second car for several months now, yet nothing is coming. My mom is PISSED OFF at everyone. She is constantly crying about everything that is going on in our lives, and sometimes I can't help but join her. I've been very sick this past week (it's -20 here, what do you want), so naturally I'm not feeling much better. I spend about 2 hours outside everyday walking to and from school while also picking up my brother from the bus stop. My schoolwork is slipping due to me waking up earlier to drop my brother off, and the time I spend after school is largely spent supervising my brother making sure he does his homework, but I haven't started smoking or Drinking again (thank God, I don't need another thing to worry about).

There are honestly times when I want to beat the living hell out of my brother for always pissing me off, and I'll admit, I have hit him a few times, but nothing too hard. Even as I type, My dad is sleeping on my bed while my mom is on the computer and my brother is watching a bit of TV before bed. I spent today making little valentines for my shoddy buds frankly because I want them to feel happy, hoping it would rub off on me. I want to just release my emotions in one big explosion, but I have to maintain my sanity as best I can. I don't really know what to suggest, but you do in fact have to let go of your emotions. We are human after all. Have you never had a person piss you off so much that you were tempted to beat the fuck out of them? In my case I cannot do anything to my brother, since well.. he's my brother. What has maintained my sanity is... Smogon actually. It's a bunch of guys talking about a lot of things that make me laugh, wonder and discuss, none of which I have really been doing recently, so it's nice to keep up a daily routine of sorts regardless of the fact that your life is a living hell.

btw Lee, you're not a bitch if you have to cry sometimes. You are a bitch however if you choose to show no emotion for other people's suffering. I cry because of my parent's and my brother's misfortunes. My parents have no time and all of them are just not happy anymore.

 

[Enkidu]

I actually have felt just like you, I recently got over it though.

It was the start of my Junior year in high school, My father was a cocaine addict who constantly stole/did drugs and squandered the fortune his family gave him. He went from making 2500 american $ a week to not being able to hold steady job for more than 2 weeks at a time. The day my finals started at the end of my tenth grade year, my parents had a giant fight outside right outside my grandmothers front lawn ( we were staying with her because my father could no longer afford us a place to live ) I ended up having to walk to school, which took about 2 and a half hours. With that state of mind, I didn't do quite as well as I wanted to, some scores that should have easily been 100's/99's were 90, 91.

Thats when my depression started to sink in, and it lasted all the way until the middle of my senior year of high school. ( at the moment I'm a college freshman )
I guess you'll need some backtory though, sorry its kinda tl;dr

Ever since I was little my parents could never hold anything together, I've lived in 8 different towns, 14 different houses/motels/apartments/shelters and been homeless 3 times. But you know what? I said Fuck them, I'm still alive and thats good enough for me, I've got two younger brothers and they deserve to have a decent childhood and at the age of 16 I forced my parents through a combination of brute force and manipulation of child services to keep them in the same area ( New paltz new york ) for the last 3 years. And even after all of that I was still myself, still a regular person, but after that fight I slowly started to withdraw myself from my emotions, I figured they weren't necessary for what I was trying to do. I literally slept through life until mid senior year, when I realized that by suppressing your emotions, your getting rid of more than that. Humans have a need to feel, and no matter how much I studied, got near perfect marks in school or the like, that I would never grow up until I could learn to control my emotions. Not just lock them away or suppress them, but mature enough to know when you need to feel, and when you have to man up and get over the trivial stuff.
Obviously there are things I am not saying, but it's rather personal, too much for a pokemon forum.

And my friend, that is not trivial at all, you should be angry, anxious, worried and excited all at once. You have to let it out, which is alot harder than it sounds. Once you've suppressed your emotions to that point it takes alot to come back . I had a friend who constantly pushed me forward, showed his support even as I pushed him away ( or kept him at an arms length as you said ) but because of him I was able bring my emotions back, not the fake ones that I used to let people know I was "normal" but actual feeling it, actually opening myself up.

Is there anybody else in a similar state of mind? Am I just being overly-dramatic and need to man the fuck up? How should I start confronting my emotions? How do you confront yours? Should I see a psychologist or something?

Confronting your emotions is alot easier than actually experiencing what you need to, once you do that ( at least for me ) the healing if you will was almost instant. Its such an odd thing to ask and reply to. The only way I got over it was because of my friend, he got me to really open myself up to another person ( something I had not done before ) and it really helped me.

Sorry If I did not help, and sorry for posting my own life story, but on the internet its ass they say " pics or it didn't happen."

 

[thetorsoboy]

Honestly, I don't see much wrong with not showing emotion, I just think that you're approaching it the wrong way.

Perhaps try to keep it a little more personal? I mean, I guess you already do, but try treating others better, maybe with a kind of artificial emotion, maybe just act like it?

 

[FM]

Meditate and part with your emotions, live in the moment ;D

 

[klarth]

What the fuck? All this advice is hideous. If you really want to get the rage off your chest you should do something destructive and/or self destructive.

- Go for a run when you're stark naked in the middle of the night
- Get a baseball bat and run past cars and set them off.
- Shoplift
- Get drunk and try to get laid
- Experiment with drugs
- Cut yourself
- Delete your diamond/Pearl save file
- Get skype, pay for credits and call up random places and troll them over the phone (this one ALWAYS puts me in a better mood)
- Do some graffiti. Not tagging bullshit, I cut out a stencil, I usually have someone to help me and I spraypaint at 3:30am.

You not showing emotion is really being a bigger girl than well, an actual girl. You're so afraid of letting other people see who you are and what you are feeling that you retreat inside a cocoon of self pity and repression.

If you want to release some of the tension that is building up in your head and stressing you out do something that gets your blood pumping and releases adrenaline. I love being scared/excited and you will too.

 

[Wyzra]

I don't believe it is healthy in any case to simply bottle up your feelings. I think a good outlet might be a psychologist, someone to talk to. My girlfriend finds that very helpful, as she is someone who can't stand to have her feelings ignored and sometimes her friends and family (including me) simply don't understand or can't relate. She says that is very satisfying. I visited one once, personally I found it difficult to express my true feelings. I usually just ended up talking about obvious stuff that was going on in my life without feeling understood at all.

Something else may be to write a diary and read old entries occasionally. When I feel like I need to express my feelings I get this urge, although I haven't really kept to it consistently. You can explore your thoughts and feelings this way, and also refer back later to try to understand the bigger picture in which everything fits together.

Whatever you do, make sure you have some kind of healthy outlet for your feelings. Don't keep them locked away, you'll go crazy.

 

[akuchi]

Depression is just a.. state of mind? So it's got nothing to do with the whole 'serotonin, noradrenaline, dopamine' thing (or an unbalance of any of these chemicals? Please.

Anyway - I'd suggest livejournal, in all honesty. Sounds daft, but I can attest that it's way better than psychologist. You sound a little like me in the 'eloquent on the net, stunted IRL' thing - I can't talk about my emotions IRL but my weblog gives me somewhere all my own to just reflect on what I'm doing.

 

[Morm]

Hate to say it Lee, but I don't empathize with you one bit. It's pretty common to bottle your emotions and let it fester like a mental illness, it's what men do. One thing that may help is talking to friends online- you don't have to look them in the eye and see their reaction but you can still talk to someone.

 

[Havak]

Don't post fucking ridiculous shit like cut yourself, that just leads to worse problems. Lee also can't delete his Diamond / Pearl Save File.

Lee, you probably know that I've been in a somewhat similar situation to you for the passed year or so. I hate doing nothing all day, but I feel there's really not much I can do about. This is why I'm online so often, using my free time to help Smogon. If I wasn't a member of Smogon or the competitive Pokémon Community, I'd have almost nothing to do at all, every day of my life. I know that's sad, but I've gotten used to it now. But I must say, 'getting used to it' is one of the worst things you can do as well ._.

Try to keep yourself busy as much as possible, I'm not sure what you could really do, but perhaps trying to spend more time with friends would be a good thing to do? Get used to being around other people more. I know you like to be alone, and so do I. But I'll see friends every week, and my girlfriend quite a lot too. I know you don't have the latter, but you'll only gain it through more socializing anyway.

As for the part about your grandma, I don't think you should feel guilty at all. People deal with things in different ways, just because you don't cry about it doesn't mean you loved her any less (or that your way of 'dealing with it' is wrong). When my grandad died, I didn't cry until something eventually set me off at the funeral. My mum even asked prior to this "Did you love your grandad?". This kind of hurt, and I replied to her with the different people, different ways thing. She understood, people understand, you should understand.

The only way you can get along with people easier, become more in touch with feelings or get a girlfriend is through interacting with people more often. It could be hard, but this is a situation where 'getting used to it' will obviously help. I'mm assuming you'll have little else to do with your time for the next 2/3 of a year, so see your friends more often, make more friends if you can. Keep busy, perhps actually look for a part-time job to take up a bit of time and allow you to get out more.

And most of all, don't become me lol.

 

[Komodo]

This seriously reminds me of myself. I hardly show any emotion or reaction to most things.

 

[Caelum]

klarth - go back to firebot or whatever troll land you come from, idiot. Nobody cares if it's "just the internet" if someone has a problem, you don't make a joke out of it and tell him to cut himself. stop being a douche bag.

I'm not going to summarize whatever issues I had since I'd rather help Lee =(

These problems developed and worsened and without going into too much detail, ultimately left me depressed and with an eating disorder at 17.

Been there for a period, feel into a depression based on a lot of family issues / deaths / etc. did some drugs / alcohol abusive shit and nearly ruined the best thing in my life right now (relationship). I honestly don't feel like bringing it publicly up but just a taste of my background with that.

Put simply, I convinced myself that emotions were a sign of weakness. I'd often criticise my male friends when they showed too much emotion. "You big fucking girl," I'd say. At college, I earned the nickname of 'Machine' or 'Robot' and whilst the bulk of this was probably due to my tendency to outright win every physical contest I participated in, it had a lot to do with the fact that I'd give nothing away emotionally...no signs of affection, anger, frustration, remorse...nothing. I just got on with it. I can't help but feel that this has served me well in my sporting pursuits which is probably why I've been so reluctant to do anything about it but it has left my social life as something of a train-wreck. At first I thought my problems were only in my head but when I take a step back and look at how this effects my interaction with people, I can't help but be concerned.

I'll admit, in real life, I do play the role of "guy's guy" a lot. But, I know there is a line. Yeah, I've cried in front of my friends over my life issues. We'll usually joke about it later, but you have to know that most people aren't going to judge you for that outside of just "the guy's" joking around. Are you just self-concious around others to show emotion? That you wouldn't fit the image of what you perceive yourself to be - or should be?

- People often tell me I'm ignorant when this is never my intent. It's fine on the internet because I can put time into my responses but irl it's always difficult for me to relate to people and I'll usually try to avoid talking to people in case I put my foot in my mouth.

Think of it like a child. Most of us did extremely inappropriate things as children, because we didn't know any better. We learned to become more appropriate in our responses through experience - learning what is and isn't appropriate. I hate to say it, but ultimately that's the only way you'll ever get over it. Either embarrass yourself or try to talk about all this shit with someone you are close to, someone that won't judge you (it should be obvious which option is better lol). Do you not have anyone in your life who you know you could open up about this and work through it? If you know there is even one person - I urge you not to hesitate. If it's hard to start the conversation, I'd honestly just suggest writing it to the person to get it started (like transposing your post basically). Starting the conversation can lead to a lot of places. If you honestly don't have someone you are comfortable doing that with, I truly do feel sorry for you (I know you said no sympathy but I'm actually trying to help!).

- I've had no worthwhile lasting relationships with a member of the opposite sex. Go figure. I have no problem at all when it comes to talking to girls but when it comes to talking about certain things, I'll usually do my best to get out of there which of course makes me look like a dick.

I'll be honest, you'll never have a meaningful relationship with a girl until you get over the idea of opening up (you have the looks man, come on get the emotion part down !!). Little things can even open up. Maybe you can find a girl who'd be willing to help you on this stuff (hey mine did). Honestly, find someone - a good friend. Your best friend (even if it's one of the guy friends who has never seen that side of you). If they are your friends. They'll listen to a concern. Again, write it out. It seems extremely stupid - I know. But, if your friends aren't complete fucking assholes they'll understand, and listen anyway. It's a good way to start something you don't want to talk about. I specifically suggest if because it's much easier for you to talk online (i.e. in writing) about this stuff.

- Last year my grandma died. She's easily the closest person to me that I've lost and it just feels kinda wrong that I never cried about it. I went along to the funeral and the wake and despite the fact that the majority were crying, I didn't even feel the urge to shed a tear. I did love her dearly and I was sad but...no tears, nothing. This makes me feel kinda guilty and I probably should have spoken to someone about it because I'm fairly new to the whole mourning thing but as you're probably beginning to understand by now - I don't talk about my feelings to anyone. Ever.

The shock of loss can easily supress mourning. Initially, this is perfectly normal actually. If you've lost someone incredibly close to you, you almost don't understand it. You reject it - however, most only do this for a period of time. However, you already having problems in that area I can see how you'd just not face it entirely.

So as you can probably guess I'm a bit of a loner. I have a few close friends but I keep the majority of my friends at arm's length. I've never had a problem with this arrangement...I like being alone. But spending all that time alone gives my mind a lot of chances to race around and spread doubts and shit. But I was able to shrug off all these doubts because I knew that I was edging ever closer to my dream of joining the Army as a Paratrooper. I knew that everything would be just perfect once I got there and I'd be able to begin a whole new lease of life.

Most people are "loners." I have plenty of friends that I can go party with if I'm bored, but I honestly could give a shit about those people. It's only the few close friends that matter to me so that's not an issue. Again, talk to them. It's your best best quite honestly.
There's more to life than a dream Lee. It's a huge part of life, but you have to realize it's not everything. Your own emotional shit is related to your dream but I'm willing to bet (I don't want to assume) there is a deeper history to it.

I tore through the initial entry tests, breaking the course records in the 2 mile run and the Multi-Stage Fitness Test. I was awarded the 'Best Student' award following a weeks stay at a military base down South. I aced my interviews and was told I'd be able to begin my training in January. They subsequently withdrew that offer after seeing my medical history and requested that I go for further tests in Edinburgh. No problem I thought.

STRONG LEE (sorry couldn't resist). Congratulations though.

'Come back in November,' he said. Instant heartbreak right there. I explained to him that I've had no problems with my knee for nearly a year now and that the discoloring is a side effect of the treatment - it will always look like that. He assured me it's just a precaution and that there was nothing he could do.

Obviously a major blow to you. On a related note though, why the fuck would he say November? I have absolutely no idea how the medical examination system works in terms of military things in England, but that seems like a poor judgement call and I'm being rather generous. Is there anyway for you to seek a seperate opinion since that's a pretty sketchy call in my opinion. Granted, I don't know the whole history of you knee problems but after all this time, november is just bizarre. If you don't mind my asking - what exactly is the treatment (if you want to keep it personal you can just PM me or just not answer at all lol)?

All I can say is that it's a long train journey back to Newcastle when you've just had your life shit on. I don't know if I've relayed the feeling of anguish as well as I'd hoped but this is a major thing for me. Imagine you're a kid on Xmas Eve and then Santa pops down the chimney and tells you he's left your presents at the North Pole and will bring them along in nine months time. How the fuck am I supposed to survive for nine months? So how did I react to this? Trash my room? A week-long drinking binge maybe? Perhaps another bout with depression? Nope; absolutely nothing. It's been almost a month now and I've kept it all bottled up, just like I do with every-fucking-else. This can't be healthy and I'm seriously starting to question my sanity. I've had a persistent headache lately and I'm beginning to think it's related

See my response about your grandmother.

Is there anybody else in a similar state of mind?

Been there. Although, admittedly for less duration of a time.

Am I just being overly-dramatic and need to man the fuck up?

Lee, what does man the fuck up mean? You mean stop being a whiny bitch about your problems? I'll tell you straight up - it's not always bad to be a whiny bitch when you have serious problems. It's not negative. It's not a problem. Anyone who says it is just a dick. It's horribly cliche, but it takes a "real man" to actually not be afraid of his emotions. Cut the shit Lee, you are better than that - and you know it.

How should I start confronting my emotions?

Talk with people. Talk with those close friends you mentioned. Do the introductory letter thing just to get the conversation going. Even just easing into it is a start. If you never start confronting even little stuff, how can you confront big things like your life dream being shitted on or your grandmother (or anyone you love) dying? You never will be able to. That's no way to live Lee. Just tell your friends that you have this problem - it'll probably be hard enough to do that, but you have to force yourself almost. Tell them, not to give you shit about it if you want to talk about something. It's likely they would give you shit since they are just guy's and think it's not a big deal, once they realize it is, if they are actually friends, they should support you and back you up.

How do you confront yours?

Everyone is different, but talking helps when you have trouble. I can promise you that.

Should I see a psychologist or something?

Depends. I personally think psychology is bullshit in purely scientific terms, but if it works for you it works. Maybe the professional setting would give you a more comfortable place to talk about it; I don't know. Try talking it out with friends first, if that doesn't seem to help then try a few sessions. The worst that could happen is that it was a waste of time, but it could be helpful so "why not?"

good luck Lee.




PS: I still can kick your ass in a fight you little bitch :)

 

[spankthemonkey]

The thing I have bottled up inside me is my hate for feminine and my homophobia. It's what makes me feel like I'm sexist and it feels like there's no cure. Meh, I guess it kind of helps to express your feelings.

 

[Lee]

Thanks for all the replies guys...I was a little worried as to how this would be received but it's a relief to see that so many people can empathise and that I'm not just totally stupid.

Doesn't it feel good to just let it out? It does to me.

Ha, you have no idea. It's taken a load off my mind the past few days :)

@ olie, that sucks. My little brother is a douche too (and I don't just mean that in the generic 'i dislike my little brother' kind of way...the guy's only 14 and has already been kicked out of two schools and arrested like a dozen times). It's so fucking frustrating when they treat you like shit and you can't do anything about it because he's like half your size. Just keep telling yourself that he'll come out of it one day and be your little brother again...we all went through phases as children.

@ enkidu, see - that's the kind of post that makes me think I'm being over-dramatic...you've clearly gone through a lot more than I have. Thanks for the advice and good luck.

@ klarth, that is such a pussy list. I bust out half of those activities before breakfast.

Anyway - I'd suggest livejournal, in all honesty. Sounds daft, but I can attest that it's way better than psychologist. You sound a little like me in the 'eloquent on the net, stunted IRL' thing - I can't talk about my emotions IRL but my weblog gives me somewhere all my own to just reflect on what I'm doing.

I'm definitely going to look into that. This thread has convinced me that I really should use the internet as a soapbox more often...I seldom even make facebook status updates ffs. Thanks akuchi, I was very keen to see what you had to say as I've come to recognise you as some kind of Smogon Psychologist for whatever reason!

@ Havak, it's almost creepy how similar we are sometimes...

@ caelum, thanks for such a thorough reply and I promise I'll take it into account when we meet and I beat you up you jerk!

Are you just self-concious around others to show emotion? That you wouldn't fit the image of what you perceive yourself to be - or should be?

I'm really not sure - I've never thought of it like that...I just assumed that that's the way I am and it's as simple as that. I'm gonna think about this and probably edit something in later.

I can think of one friend who I can talk to about this shit, I'll probably bring it up next time we're drinking (dutch courage etc!).

On a related note though, why the fuck would he say November? I have absolutely no idea how the medical examination system works in terms of military things in England, but that seems like a poor judgement call and I'm being rather generous.

As I understand it, the army insists that you're symptom-free of any injury for a full year before you begin training. I honestly insist that I have been asymptomatic for that length of time but I didn't actually get the medical all clear until August 08 so I won't be symptom-free in their eyes until Aug 09. After that they insist that I do a three month fitness diary to prove that my rehabilitation is going well and the injury isn't causing any more problems etc. I know it's their job and they're just following procedure but it's so fucking frustrating to be treated like some kind of invalid when I'm as fit as I am atm.

what exactly is the treatment

Corticosteroid injections every two months, bit of physio, lots of painkillers and plenty of rest.

 

[Morm]

Physio is horrid, just hope they don't rape you as bad as I'm being raped.

also resting is fun, you should make sure to have a nice, warm English ale at your side when you do.

 

[Doomsday]

hey, I don't know if this will help you since we all react differently to drinking, but you know what truly makes me feel alive? having a drink with my friends and just blabbering about all the kinds of shit that bothers me everyday. I am blatantly honest when i'm slightly drunk and fearless to say what's on my mind at the moment. I treasure all the deep conversations I had with my pals (who i've gotten closer thanks to alcohol, im sure) and I'm fully aware that I wouldn't be able to spew even one quarter of all I say were I sober.

maybe you already tried this, I dunno. this is a really shallow/obvious advice but it's all I can say right now :(

 

[Morm]

hey, I don't know if this will help you since we all react differently to drinking, but you know what truly makes me feel alive? having a drink with my friends and just blabbering about all the kinds of shit that bothers me everyday. I am blatantly honest when i'm slightly drunk and fearless to say what's on my mind at the moment. I treasure all the deep conversations I had with my pals (who i've gotten closer thanks to alcohol, im sure) and I'm fully aware that I wouldn't be able to spew even one quarter of all I say were I sober.

maybe you already tried this, I dunno. this is a really shallow/obvious advice but it's all I can say right now :(

dude I'm the exact same way. Going for a pint with your friends is one of the best experiences ever, especially on wing night :P

 

[Bourbon]

hey, I don't know if this will help you since we all react differently to drinking, but you know what truly makes me feel alive? having a drink with my friends and just blabbering about all the kinds of shit that bothers me everyday. I am blatantly honest when i'm slightly drunk and fearless to say what's on my mind at the moment. I treasure all the deep conversations I had with my pals (who i've gotten closer thanks to alcohol, im sure) and I'm fully aware that I wouldn't be able to spew even one quarter of all I say were I sober.

maybe you already tried this, I dunno. this is a really shallow/obvious advice but it's all I can say right now :(

Doomsday is totally right. You need to be telling your real friends how you feel, not Smogon. Not only will you feel a lot better about yourself, but you'll also grow a lot closer to your friends. I'm sure they'll appreciate getting to know you better as a person.

I know you're in college but I'm sure you can save up 20 dollars sometime and go out for a few beers. If you have a job, that is. Do you? If you don't, get one.

I hate having a job with a passion, but it makes you appreciate your free time SO much more. I'm one of those people who hates having accomplished nothing in a day. I actually loathe my days off because I know all that will happen is I will sleep in, play video games, hang out with some friends and inevitably end up playing video games with my friends. Now that I have a job I not only have less free time, but when I do, I enjoy it because it's a rarity, and I have some money to spend to do something fun.

So anyways in summary my advice is

-Open up with some friends
-Busy yourself (seriously you won't have time to sulk)
-Set some goals other than the paratrooper thing. Small ones, just to take up that nine month wait. Such as, "I will make a new friend today" or something else you have trouble with.

 

[Chill Murray]

If you can't open yourself up to friends or people on the internet, you might want to try a shrink. They're pretty good about this kind of shit, and they can help you to open up elsewhere in life.

 

[Caelum]

@ caelum, thanks for such a thorough reply and I promise I'll take it into account when we meet and I beat you up you jerk!

We'll see, army boy. Don't get too cocky now just because you have a little basic training now. I'm still gonna kill you >:O

I can think of one friend who I can talk to about this shit, I'll probably bring it up next time we're drinking (dutch courage etc!).

Liquor works as a nice way to get your loosened up lol. Try not to rely on it get your emotional shit out otherwise you are still in the same problem though =(

As I understand it, the army insists that you're symptom-free of any injury for a full year before you begin training. I honestly insist that I have been asymptomatic for that length of time but I didn't actually get the medical all clear until August 08 so I won't be symptom-free in their eyes until Aug 09. After that they insist that I do a three month fitness diary to prove that my rehabilitation is going well and the injury isn't causing any more problems etc. I know it's their job and they're just following procedure but it's so fucking frustrating to be treated like some kind of invalid when I'm as fit as I am atm.

I see. That's a huge bummer =(. Not much else to say really.

Corticosteroid injections every two months, bit of physio, lots of painkillers and plenty of rest.

I'm honestly surprised the doctor didn't know that the blue / black discoloration would be a result of that since that's an extremely common side effect.

Anyway, good luck Lee. When I come to England this year (I am actually!) I'm gonna find you (btw - don't bring military grade weapons to the fight, that's cheating!).

 

[Fishin]

One thing I try to do when I have a similar problem (and I know this may sound lame) is keep things in perspective. 9 months is a huge time to wait for something big, but in the end the net effect on your life is very small, and the wait WILL end. On the other hand, I don't think I've really had anything I've anticipated nearly as much as you with this, so it's hard to directly compare, but that's the best advice I have.

 

[Morm]

We'll see, army boy. Don't get too cocky now just because you have a little basic training now. I'm still gonna kill you >:O

Lee is a deadly weapon. I wouldn't be surprised if he crushes your head between his mountainous abdominal muscles.

Lee also try to remember that you have ALOT going for you, aside from your prestigous modship on a pokemon forum :P. You're one of the best guys I've had the priveledge of talking to; if you ever get blue, you have some very good friends on here that would ceratainly love to hear about your issues, myself included, and then bestow upon you our wisdom...or at least we can make you laugh by telling you how great your legs must be from the running.

 

[Deck Knight]

It's kind of funny Lee, when I tried to join the Coast Guard they took a look at my medical history and I got screwed because I had a horrible disease when I was a little kid (3-5) and I had asthma that didn't dissipate until around age 13. I was just really small for my age for the most part.

So as a result, I can't even lend my intelligence or skills to the government, at least not in a military capacity. I was hoping to go to Officer Candidate School. It's a shithole out here in MA for jobs, so I'll need to get some luck quick or the staties will be after me because of our ridiculous health care or else mandate. Sure, they spend like punch-drunk sailors and squander every red cent they've ever coerced out of anyone, but it doesn't stop them from sending me a bill if my employer-tied health insurance disappears when my employer does.

Anyway, I don't tend to show emotion around other people either. I generally just act polite and friendly and pay attention, and that's about it. As far as when I'm alone, anger's pretty much the only thing I feel. I'd rather be angry than sorrowful, since anger can at least be channeled productively. WoeFest '09 every time I'm contemplating something isn't my style. Lamentation is a drag anyway.